.... good morning, rubberneckers........ I trust that you all are preparing for a lovely, pre-back-to-school morning of quiet reflection and/or fun frolics with your kiddies or significant peripherals.....
... as for me?.... no such luck, I'm afraid.....
.... for it has been handed down From Upon High that I am to spend the better half of today practicing my Ben Hur impersonation and manning an oar.....(.. the middle part of Ben Hur, of course.... goodness knows that I'd be absolutely dangerous in a chariot..)
... and so we're off to The Ocoee River where a rubber raft & roiling Tennessee waters shall stage today's scene......
..... my goodness....... were I feeling remotely Shakespearian this morning I would wax on and on about the majesty of Nature's tumult and the beauty of an obscuring turbidity...... but, no.... I'm off to search for sunscreen instead.....
..... hey, at least I know that I am a very, very hard person to drown!..
.... just look at those guys!...... I think the one way in the back at 1:11 even has an "Adventures Unlimited" baseball cap on!......
..... The Missus and I took a fieldtrip into town today to have her vehicle (Cary) serviced.... her service rate for Cary is about every 8,000 miles - which seems a bit whacky to me, but hey, I'm no mechanic.... anyhoo, Cary happens to be a 2004 Cadillac CTS-V with roughly 16K miles on him..... not that that really matters, well, except for the Cadillac part, but anyway....
.... so, we drive up to the Cadillac dealership where we bought Cary back in 2004 and the baldheaded guy behind the counter is animatedly chatting away on his cell phone about some luncheon engagement he's organizing with someone named Ted, another guy named Roger, and "Ed can't come because he's golfing in Niota"...... so after he finishes organizing his lunch, a sudden tsunami of deep-brooding glumness overwhelms him, and he turns to us......
.... needless to say, I was rather unimpressed with his attitude towards us as customers, his choice of hairstyles, and the fact that we had to wait even one nano-second while he laughed and giggled to some cretin about how Ed should have been at work today instead of sneaking off to golf while The Boss was in Daytona Beach for the week.....
.... anyway, I let the whole thing slide, tossed him the keys, and got out of there as painlessly as possible.....
.... so we lunched ourselves, wandered around Lowes, meandered around the grocery store, hit the folks at H&R Block for out yearly taxes, and basically killed time in town while waiting for Mr. Chromedome to call to say that Cary is ready....... after four hours, The Missus gave up hope and asked me to just drop her off at the dealership to wait so that I could run the groceries home before they spoiled in my trunk....
... but as I pulled into the parking lot, there sat Cary..... his platinum-colored paint hazed with the green East Tennessee pollen of early springtime, his V-series alloy wheels caked with a wintertime's worth of brake dust..... I was not amused that the fellow had not bothered to call us to let us know Cary was ready.........
..... folks, Cary is an American car..... serviced by an American dealership.... the very dealership where he WAS PURCHASED...... and to the best of my knowledge, isn't Cadillac supposed to be a "luxury" car?.... where's The Treatment that one would expect to get when you pull a 65K dollar car into a service center?.....a service center that you have visited LOYALLY for four years since purchasing the vehicle?.....
.... hey, I know that it isn't MY car.... it's hers.... and thus it is her responsibility to deal with the folks at the Cadillac dealership..... truly, it isn't my business - unless she asks me to intervene.....
.... but me?.... I drive a little convertible Audi A4 Cabriolet named Sylvia..... nothing fancy..... but she's cute, and I love driving her..... a beautiful little piece of 2006 German engineering..... I have her serviced regularly at the Audi dealership in Knoxville where they not only sell Audis, but also Porsche and Jaguars....
.... when I arrive there, I am treated very well.... I'm offered a rental car to use while they tend to Sylvia.... I'm offered free coffee, tea, water, or sodas if I choose to wait in the comfortable waiting room....... and if I choose not to risk driving a rental car, they'll have one of their mechanics drive me to the mall and then come to fetch me when they've finished with my car....... and not only that, but when I am finally reunited with my beloved Sylvia?..... she's still dripping from the washman's ministrations..... vacuumed, pressure-washed, and truly serviced... inside & out.... and she rolls off that dealership lot and into the Kingston Pike traffic looking like a million bucks...... and she only cost just over 45,000....... THAT is a service, ladies & gentlemen.........
.... so can you see a difference in the service that my Audi dealer gives me, and how the Cadillac Man treats The Missus??...... I certainly can......
..... sure, the Cadillac place is local - and it is definitely a pain in the ass for me to drive all the way to Knoxville for a service on the Audi - but you know what?..... I think it's worth it.....
.... and The President wants to bail out the auto industry..... well, I don't know if any attitude adjustments will ever filter down from The Manufacturer to The Dealer, but if that's the way they treat a Cadillac customer?..... I can't help but wonder how they'd treat the overworked salesman who shows up to get his Ford Taurus serviced.....
..... I just don't know... and yes, I'm in a bit of a bitchy mood..... but as of right now?.... well, Cary is slated to be paid off by the end of the year...... and if I had MY way, his ass is getting sold off and she's getting a Porsche..... it'd only be an extra 15-20K more than what she paid for Cary..... at least I know that they'll be treating her like a Queen every time she rolls it in for a check-up.......
.... if you're going to drop some serious cash on a car, the very LEAST that the manufacturer and dealer can do is seem THANKFUL that you bought their product.....
.... I have a feeling that any problems that the auto industry has aren't going to be solved by throwing wheelbarrows full of cash at them......
I haven't bought a new American car in a long time, specifically for the gripes you have laid out. The American Auto Biz is a complete joke. Personally, I blame the unions as much as management. Three or four generations of Michiganites making 75 bucks an hour to turn a bolt or drop in a seat? There is no hope for that particular clusterfuck. Yet another classic case of the cart before the horse come back to bite us all in the ass.
I bought a 04 350Z lease return two years ago with 35K on the odometer for a song and a dance. And based on it's performance to date, I'd buy 10 more just like it before I bought one American performance coupe.
Plus it's the same shit under the skin.
Pop the body off your A4 and swap a few logos here and there and it's a Skoda Superb or a VW Passat/Chinese Passat Lingyu or a Golf/Jetta Mk5, thanks to the VW Group's PL46 platform.
I had the opportunity the other day to inform a customer who was intent on being long winded about his bad ass, gangster black, supercharged Land Rover that it was indeed a product of Tata Motors of India, best known for the Tata Nano and a whole cornucopia of heavy trucks and buses
That was satisfying.
Bottom line? It's all junk, homes. Another 10 years and there will be no such thing as performance cars in America. Better find something you like, garage it and drive it on the weekends, and hit public transit or your bicycle or the hooptie 90s sedan you bought from the local used lot for transpo.....
I doubt its an issue but general FYI: I understand that the first gen CTSVs are prone to really noisy final drive half shafts if you really push the car. Apparently the design guys missed the mark on the torque figures for the LS6 Vette Z06 engine and under-equipped the independent rear. The 2006 cars hit showrooms with upgraded rear diffs and shafts, supposedly.
... thanks, Bitterman..... it was just a sour deal all the way around...... luckily, she doesn't push the V too hard...... and personally?.... I can't wait for her to get rid of it.......
I do the services myself because I'm cheap.
When I was looking for different vehicles, I did a lot of comparison shopping and it seemed to me that given what I want:
-Economy
-Cruise
-A/C
-variable wipers (more than just two speeds)
-remote mirrors
-and most importantly..cost
I ended up with a 2004 S-10 with a V-6 auto supercab.
This has more goodies and gets better milage than the Japanese competion. for a better price.
You know how I feel about German engineering. Your woman would fit nicely in a Porsche...hell, for that matter...so would you, but in these times the best rides are the ones that are paid for.
When I lived in Arlington, Va I bought a Dodge from the local dealer and I got the kind of service Eric gets from his Audi dealer. I remember having a rattle in the dash and the top mechanic spent an hour tracking it down and fixing it. Total charge was zip because the dealer said it should never have happened in the first place.
Later I moved to Maryland and bought a Dodge from the dealer there. The first couple of times I went the service was so bad and they didn't fix my reason for going so I called the district Chrysler manager and complained. After that I got good service but I think I must have been the only one. The point is that the first dealer is still in business and has been since 1923. The one from Maryland went out of business a couple of years later and I can guess why the one is still there and the other one not.
I never bought expensive cars but I also took care of the ones I bought and they served me well for the most part. I also only bought again from dealers who treated me right. Treat me wrong and you lost my business. No questions asked.
I have drove Dodge vans or pickups for nearly twenty years...and was always treated like royalty at the Dodge house where I traded near Tampa. But the Dodge house near where I live now to put it bluntly sucks! I was happy with the deal I got when I bought the Red ram there...hell, would not have bought it otherwise. But their service department slow and their service writers are damn liars. I will NEVER go back and I have informed them and Dodge of this fact.
My Toyota dealership gives pretty good service. The Lexus dealership treats people like your Audi dealership, like royalty. I love the Lexus dealership. Our Audi/BMW dealership treats people like crap. I told my husband, I'd have no issues if he NEVER bought another Audi just based on our crappy dealership.
I would not be surprised if I eventually buy my cars based on dealership treatment...
My BMW dealership is like your Audi dealership. And they always wash my car when they're done. German engineering and quality service.
When I was leaving on my Mississippi River trip my brother-in-law noticed that the splash pan under the engine on my Z3 was loose on one side. Stopped at a BMW dealership without an appointment. They fixed it in less than an hour at no cost to me. This was not the dealer where I bought the car. Tell Fiona to ditch the caddie and buy a BMW 3 series.
..... after a looooong night of rewatching "True Grit" for the thirtieth time last night, The Missus woke up in an absolute whirlwind of motion this morning.......
.... once I calmed her down (and after I thoroughly thrashed her at a game of Scrabble-over-Breakfast), she definitely needed to burn off some energy, so she decided that it was necessary for us to digest our buttered toast & pate while circumnavigating Eagle Glen afoot.....
.... I was dubious at first..... but eventually I grudgingly laid my plans aside and headed out with her for a walk......
.... at first, everything was peaches and cream.... (figuratively, of course, not literally - since we were walking, sweating, and generally exercising at the time).... but then the puddles we passed began yielding hundreds - or thousands - of tadpoles......
.... and they scurried here and there as we plodded past...... causing the very surface of many of the puddles to resemble those horrible Discovery Channel clips where the Great White leaps from the air after having mistakenly tried to bite a bit of seal-shaped carpet that was being dragged behind a boat by busy-body researchers.....
.... the horrible thing about the whole incident?...... just LAST WEEK one of those puddles was absolutely teeming with tiny little fish fry...... and today?..... nothing but churned up tadpole turds, murky water, and the large, bulbous, fleshy bodies of half-grown froglets wiggling to hide under sunken leaves that were half their size........ wha??..... what happened to the cute, baby fishies?!?......
..... tadpole dung, that's what......
.... I swear, it was a depressing scene....... almost enough to make me fashion myself a gig, and don my Petzl head lamp in a few months to harvest a few of those jumpy little creatures for the skillet.....
.... almost, that is..... but not quite enough....
... hell, I've seen where those slimy little bastards have grown up....... and that there is enough to quell the appetite of even the mightiest of carnivores.......
.. but still, they DO deserve some sort of karmic payback for having descended on those poor minnows with such a gnashful vengeance.... I mean, why can't we all just get along?!?........
...... however, I will say that all was not completely lost..... after today's day of sunshine?...... both the peach tree AND the teacup magnolia are in full bloom....... and they are stunning to see......
..... but I did imagine - as I made the last few strides up my driveway - that in some small, tiny way, those trees were not merely blaring & advertising to the world that they were ready to be bred as this Springtime rushes in on us........ but that they were somehow offering a little something up In Memoriam to those poor departed fishies.......
..... I suddenly found myself quite hungry for fishsticks, though, and scratched that itch as best I could once I was back inside the house.......
..... it certainly is true, though, you know?......The Lord surlysurely works in mysterious ways, boys & girls........
Animal Planet and PBS has about ruined people that was raised on concrete about the ways of nature. Sure..They'll show you lions takin' down zebras on the African plains and feastin' on'em or wolves takin' an elk to feed the pack and such.
Those are just the top end predators. The feasting goes on on a smaller scale (size wise)even in your own back yard. It's eat or be eaten out there.
Mother Nature ain't no sweet lady in a white gown with flowers in her hair. Mother Nature is a serial killer..
Heck man, you tricked me at the last moment about the fish... with the Lord surely works in mysterious ways... I would've sweared you were gonna say "The Lord giveth, and the the Lord taketh away"...
..... do those guys at 'MonsterQuest' ever actually find evidence of anything, or is that show simply the biggest tease since that whole Joel/Maggie thing on 'Northern Exposure'?..... I mean, giant eels in The Great Lakes?..... a giant octopus lurking out in the Pacific?...... Big Foot supposedly sighted in nearly every state?.... a friggin chupacabra in Texas?....... after an hour spent watching that crap, they never, ever find it!.....
... Jesus Christ, it's worse than spending 1990 to 1995 waiting for Joel to get Maggie damp enough to mount on prime-time TV......
... having said that, though, MonsterQuest is not without its moments..... for instance, I just overheard some bespectacled expert say, "the oceans are our last great wilderness.... with depths exceeding 30,000 feet, 97% of our ocean's & seas remain unexplored.."
.... 97%.... great, holy Mother of God, people..... why are those idiots hiding in the bushes in Saskatchewan, living on stale peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, and waiting in vain for a 9-foot Big Foot when there could be GODKNOWSWHAT swimming around in the middle of the Pacific Ocean?!?....
.... I know that I'm a bit excitable tonight, and I apologize.... it's just that I have always been a fan of all creatures, great and small..... sure, I hunt them & enjoy eating the occasional one, but I do love to learn about them as well..... I'm the guy who always gets the video bonus questions on 'Cash Cab' about critters.....
... even when I was just a pup, I wanted to be a zoologist..... (an aspiration that was quashed when I first caught sight of an elephant taking a dump at the Knoxville Zoo, but that's for another time.)..... but now?.... I can still see a spotted jungle cat and say, "ooohhh... that's an ocelot!"..... I've even been known to stop while channel surfing and surprise The Missus by saying, "wow!.... what a beautiful Malaysian Honey Bear!"..... her: "WTF is a honey bear?"......
.... so, yeah..... I know a bit about the animals that roam around this planet we share...... and while I am absolutely in love with the whole idea of Stanley wandering around Africa and the whole "Dr. Livingstone, I presume?", those days have passed now...... but I still do love the idea of wandering a jungle - clad in the finest khakis - just to see what is around the next corner....
.... but you know what?..... whatever I found?.... it most certainly isn't going to be a damnable Big Foot, Yeti, Vampire, or chupafriggincabra.....
... the mind boggles, truly....... and I suspect that - in all honesty - the vast oceans are the only place left on earth where we might find ourselves wandering around, exploring, and have the Honest Chance of double-checking our digital camera and screaming, "what the FUCK was THAT?"..... and "that" being a real something that we've never seen before.......
.... but then again, I haven't spent much time in California..... so I might be wrong on the digital camera thing.....
Oh yes, you'll definitely see things you've never seen before in California! Come on out, and I'll take you to Venice beach. There's definitely some unusual wildlife there. "What the FUCK was THAT?" would be putting it mildly!
Hell raised by DogsDontPurr on February 4, 2009 08:43 PM
Vague shadows and possible movement, guy shouting, "oh, look, did you see it, right there, right there" -- uh, no, sure didn't see any monsters! (Or anything else, thank you very much.)
Much more into Mythbusters. Those guys have some fun!
California, the final frontier. Home of Pelosi, Boxer, and Feinstein...Larry, Moe, and Curly too!!!
Hell raised by JihadGene on February 5, 2009 12:36 AM
I'm pretty sure the bespectacled dude said that 97% of the oceans were unexplored... but that's a mere typo... the point is made...
There are more things between heaven and earth than are dreamt of in our philosophy, but I'm pretty sure chupafriggincabras are not amongst them... nor are zombies... but we humans must have our myths. Leviathan lives! And I have eaten of his flesh.
Hell raised by Elisson on February 5, 2009 09:47 AM
... nice catch, Elisson..... like I said, I was excited last night and didn't pay attention......
Oh I wish I had enough patience to sit through those things - if only to end up with a blog post. But really about 10 minutes into the show, I want to throw things at the tv. Since that's a rather expensive way to show my displeasure and does nothing at all to remove said shows from television - I just don't watch them.
Hell raised by Teresa on February 5, 2009 02:20 PM
I got it on good authority. Female Bush Pilots ain't easy.
I've heard stories about big animals wandering the woods. Mostly cats, big black cats. I've talked to people who swear they've seen them. Okay, but animals leave spoor and in all my years in the woods, I ain't never seen a pug mark bigger than a bobcat's.
Though, there was a time on a muddy creek bank when I thought I'd struck dinosaur sign or the biggest damn wild turkey in the world. A few minutes later I busted out of the woods on a road in front of some guy's house. There was an Emu standing in his front yard. Well..there went my fifteen minutes of fame.
Henry Morton Stanley? Hell, he survived Shiloh. I figure everything he did after that was on borrowed time.
I've seen some odd stuff turn up in my camera, but it's usually after a visit to WalMars.
I've rarely made it through an entire episode of MonsterQuest. Now, Mythbusters... those guys have way too much fun. And I'll take Mike Rowe doing a Dirty Job any time I can.
Hell raised by LeeAnn on February 6, 2009 07:16 PM
Have you watched any of the BBC's Blue PLanet series? Sir David Attenborough (my hero) has the coolest job on the planet! Every time they filmed, it seemed they identified a new species. And the part where they found the LAKE at the bottom of the Pacific- complete with waves and tidal action- Holy Sheep Shit, Batman!
Hell raised by Holder on February 6, 2009 08:17 PM
.... much of this morning and afternoon has been spent attempting to clean out the closet here in the manroom/blogroom..... and so far, I sadly report, the operation has been a complete and utter failure... the resulting piles of junk have overwhelmed me..... and I now have to climb over a mountain of climbing, hunting, camping, and military stuff just to reach the safety of the blogroom chair........
..... it's absolutely amazing how much I managed to cram into that poor little closet..... and now all the crap that was heaped in the closet is scattered all over the couch, desk, and floor.... I have no idea what tangent that Tsunami of Optimism swung in on this morning, but it picked a poor target in little ole me.....
.... I mean, honestly, why do I even OWN a three-piece, sniper's ghillie suit?....
.... so..... apart from the old uniforms, hangers full of hunting clothes, boxes of cigars, baseball gloves, an old lava lamp, boxes of ammunition, a tree stand, backpacks, sleeping bags, headlamps & flashlights, thermarests, stoves, cooking utensils, a compass, ropes, first aid kits, boots, boxes of photographs, and my old collection of Playboys, I found three CASES of MREs & two cases of bottled water....
.... if I included the contents of the gunsafe in the garage?..... the AR-15, 30-30, .280, .44 magnum rifle, .22 magnum rifle, .22 rifle, the combat .12 ga, the pump .12 ga, and the two single-shot .12 ga?..... and that's not counting the handguns........ I'm figuring that I could easily outfit a full squad of rubberneckers - armed, ammo'd, camouflaged, fed, watered, and fairly well-equipped for a five day combat mission.....
... good god.... it is insane that I have this much stuff.... next October during the blogmeet here, I think I'll ceremonially hand out a set of cammies to everyone who shows up...... that'd make an interesting photo-op, I think.....
.... now I just have to start trying to organize all this crap and get it put back away...... I'm thinking a gin & tonic is in order.....
Surely you know that closets are like the TARDIS on Dr. Who. They live in a different dimension. The most amazing thing about them is not the amount of stuff you get out when "cleaning"...
No indeed. The truly amazing thing is, once you've culled the unwanted items and disposed of them, then returned the things you want to keep to their respective places... the closet is just as full as it was before you started.
It's a phenomenon I have often noted and have absolutely no way to explain.
Hell raised by Teresa on January 29, 2009 07:57 PM
I've still got the ballistic vest they issued me in the NPS back in the 90s because I don't have a ghillie suit. Better hang on to that one. Never know when it'll come in handy.....
In my opinion, Closets can help us a lot. People Especially womens like to have a closet. And we can organize the things well with these closets. Thanks for sharing.
- Rachel.
Hell raised by Closet on January 29, 2009 11:57 PM
Dibs on the ghillie suit! I think I'd look goddamned fetching in that unit.
Hell raised by Jim - PRS on January 30, 2009 04:42 AM
How's bout handing out lava lamps and vintage Playboys?
What, with the pages all stuck together? No thanks.
It's amazing. Take alla that crap out of the closet. Then try to put it all back in. You won't be able to.
Hell raised by Elisson on January 30, 2009 04:54 PM
I found that when my closet was full the best thing was to build a 16' X 32' tool and storage building complete with full length 5' deep porch for sitting upon........it's full...my closet is full and my blogspace is crammed full... and there is no room to sit on the porch.
I'm convinced someone is feeding this junk fertility pills and is multiplying like jackrabbits.
I could take a few of the MRE's off your hands however. I'll store them in the back seat of the Dodge Ram.
.... I mean, honestly, why do I even OWN a three-piece, sniper's ghillie suit?....
Because you might need it??? Sheesh - I hate to be obvious... ;) And only *you* could be dapper in a tux and a ghillie suit in the same evening...
Hell raised by Richmond on January 31, 2009 12:08 AM
I'm thinking Jimbo won't blend whilst walking in NJ in a ghillie suit.
If he has dibs on it, I call dibs on at least trying it on. I want to be able to say, 'I tried on a ghillie suit'! I bet none of the other Moms at our school can say that!
You wear the ghillie suit and I'll wear the pith helmet while carrying a lava lamp, and we'll show up at the Sleep Inn registration desk together and ask for the honeymoon suite.
We'll tell them we returned from Hawaii early just to see the annual "draher faher."
Hell raised by Jim - PRS on January 31, 2009 03:03 AM
..... Bette Davis & Joan Crawford, I just don't get it.... one of the classic movie channels is airing back to back flip-flops of their movies today.... one Davis, one Crawford, one Davis, etc.....
.... it is now 2:39PM and I have heard The Missus snuffling in the living room as the credits roll at least twice now.... as I said, I just don't get it....
.... currently playing is 'Possessed' and it's a real humdinger.... lots of screaming, shrieking, maniacal laughter, and crying...... I happened to walk through just as that Osborne fellow was laying out the pre-movie scoop.... "This performance - of a woman driven insane - is thought by many to be Joan Crawford's greatest role," he said.....
.... so on the one hand we have that egghead, Bette Davis.... no chin, completely popeyed, and over-pronouncing everything she says...... and on the other hand we have a woman with caterpillars stapled to her forehead, the square jaw of a lumberjack in drag, and whose best performances come from the fact that she was a psycho in real life and happened to be given roles that allowed her to let it loose on screen.....
.... Bette Davis & Joan Crawford, Jesus...... I just don't get it..... now Jane Powell, Liz Taylor, or Rita Hayworth?..... infinitely more watchable, if you ask me..... and with a lot less screeching....
An ex-boyfriend once described why he was attracted to the young Bette Davis:
"She has a touch of pig," he said.
Hell raised by HyperSexualGirl on November 28, 2008 03:23 PM
Yup - screeching is bad. Glad I *can't* even do that... ;)
Hell raised by Richmond on November 28, 2008 05:56 PM
..... wow, I hadn't thought of that.... that is an interesting idea, Hypersexualgirl...... I suspect that your ex may be right...... Bette definitely had a certain quality about her.. perhaps it was her eyes......
..... and Richmond, no!...... you are as quiet as a mouse!......
Well, apparently Elisson has a better grasp on Eric's social and vacatin' calendar then I do. Sumbitch ain't back yet. I'm, uh, glad, he was out of country when my team had is ass handed back to it in a helmet last Saturday night. Can't believe I stayed up to watch that assassination. But I did. I even "dvr'd" it. Glutton for punishment I reckon.
When I drag my stankin' ass outta here... I'm gonna miss the pleasant smell of gun oil, and ol' scotch. It's hard to beat that combo, 'cept for maybe bacon and eggs in the mornin'.
I hope he had a good time playin' jet setter. I'd imagine he's gettin' pretty good at it by now, but lordy lordy lordy, who in the hell wants to spend that much time in an airplane. That's a lot of time now. You've got to leave last week to get here by today.
I've had some fun, only told half my crabbin' story, 'cause, well, I guess my coherent thoughts were rendered useless after last Saturday night. Like I ever had any to start with... Havin' to face "Trojans" twiced on consecutive Saturday's could give a team a "Singapore Whore" complex. It has me... I want one. ;) Either one. Or both of 'em. It don't matter at this point.
I'm sure his return will result in "daily postings" of all things "good and right" with the world. Hell, in the end, that's why we stop by here ain't it? Hell, you can read "the news" all day long, and say WTF? Then, you roll through here and when he's not jet settin' somewheres, he describin' a sunset or sunrise like it's the first he's ever seen one. Or spiders screwin...
I am glad(kinda) that he stopped writin' 'bout squirrel copulation though. Anybody can look out their window and see one ... animal doin' another. Even if it's spiders...
Are you scared bitterman? I remember readin' somewhere around here, you two were quite the spider hunter-killers...
Lord knows what new torture implements he's learned of 'crossed the pond, but I bet he took notice of one or two. In case of emergency, of course.
Welcome back Eric, if you're in fact comin' back today. I think Elisson might be pullin' our collective chains on that one but what do I know. Maybe 11-1. Wishful thinkin' at this point.
Birthday present suggestions for Eric: Sarah Pailin Doll. He'll either treat it like a Voodoo doll, or worship it as the best damned librarian lookin' moose huntin' veep canditate in the worl'. Trust me, one of those is gonna be hotter than a early model StarWars figurine.
I reckon it's time for me to mosey on down the road...
This post in no way reflects the opinions of the owner of this blog. Especially if scribbled by 'Neck, but it might.
..... Redneck, you know that I love you...... but if I get a Sarah Palin doll in the mail, The Missus is gonna seriously kick your ass...... worse than USC did to your Buckeyes.......
Hell raised by Eric on September 18, 2008 06:32 PM
What Buckeye's? I haven seen them in a few big games.
Hell raised by RedNeck on September 18, 2008 09:23 PM
? Does that mean I can send it to her on your birthday and she'll kick your ass? (Especially if I address it "From Eric")... That'd be good readin' now.
Hell raised by RedNeck on September 20, 2008 10:43 AM
Well, I ain't lettin' 'em fly at my place. I'm savin' my best for JarHead palace. My best probably won't be good enough, but hey, when your 40+, you get used to that line. Probably in a similar way to a 3rd week BT Marine does in boot camp. Except without all the hollerin' and push ups.
If I offended any Marines with the JarHead term, I eternally apologize. I did not mean any such thing. JarHead was a local term I had to enquire about because, I did not get it either at my age. I spent many of my summers in Norf' Calina close to Jacksonville and had a grandmother who spoke her mind and was the antitheses of politically correct. God bless her soul. She taught me some damned good lessons growin' up.
It's true, you can rip a crabs arms off while pinnin' it down in the bottom of a tub with a six and a half ounce co-cola bottle. One at a time. I've seen her do it. With extreme prejudice. She threw back those cokes like I do Budweisers's so there was never a lack of coke bottles layin' 'round. Arms in one tub, bodies in the other. Now that's segregation...
She looked after us youngin's really good now. Candy, cokes, cakes, to our hearts desire. She was one hell of a woman. What the hell, she wasn't payin' the dental bill though.
Lord knows, I don't know when she took time to pee. I do know when she farted though. She'd whip my ass if she knew I was writin' this. When I get to heaven, which, lets be real here people, take a vote, which of you really thinks I'm goin' there. I'll get lost in the titty bar on the way up. Trust me on that one.
Anyway, back to the fartin' thing. After the day was done, everybody would be bedded down. I'd be in the "middle bedroom", mom and dad in the "front bedroom", grandma and grandpa in the "back bedroom". It'd get quiet. The sun takes it's toll on a body. It wasn't the Walton's. There wasn't no 'night grandpa, 'night grandma, etc, etc, etc. Granddaddy would rip one off. And he was spent. Next thing your heard... Man, I ain't sure how to describe this, but grannie would squeak two or three out. As a kid, I knew it was a fart, but, I didn't know what to compare that sound to. Now at an advanced level of stupidity, I do, it sounded like cats copulating. No, I don't think it was "that" kind of fart, just a regular pass wind thing that had an odd sound to it. Once that was over with, it was nighty night time. Cheese biscuits, grits, oatmeal and bacon in the mornin'.
I don't know where this "Dreams of Sugar Plums danced through his head" horseshit came from. Damned Yankees.... I want a cheese biscuit now, and I ain't lying...
Back to crabbin'. Granddaddy worked his truck stop. He owned it. He used to let me work there when I was a kid. That was hellacool. I could eat and drink my ass on. Yeah, I mean on. They didn't have microwave ovens back then. You put your cheeseburger in a glass box that got hot as hell, and when it went "ding"... your food was ready. Weights... we didn't buy weights for the crab lines at the bait store. We used, used spark plugs for that. Bait was chicken gizzards purchased packaged at the Piggly Wiggly.
Part two later if I can be semi coherent for that long...
This post in no way reflects the opinions of the owner of this blog. Especially if scribbled by 'Neck, but it might
'Bout time they fixed the comments on this blog. OK. Where's the beer cooler, man?
Hell raised by Cappy on September 10, 2008 05:25 PM
I grew up around Houston and spent many a day crabbing with chicken necks tied to some string. Watchig my Mon and Dad clean them was always fun. My Mom threw one across the room one day for not being dead yet and pinching her. She could have used that bit about the coke bottles. Imagine how pissed off I was when I got to Georgia and had to actually pay for crab.
Hell raised by holder on September 11, 2008 05:26 AM
Crabs and Coke..oh yeah!
Hell raised by JihadGene on September 11, 2008 08:16 PM
I related a story over at my place this afternoon, one that cried out for the SWG treatment...
...we were buying a few odds and ends up at Harry's, the local high-end farmers' market, when the Mistress of Sarcasm called my attention to a woman who was in the midst of committing an Antisocial Act...
...she had seen many a springtime come and go, this woman...well past her prime, you could say...stringy grey hair framing a face with a wan, yogurt-like complexion...an off-kilter look in the eyes, which were shielded by a pair of oversize welder's glasses...at first glance you would think "hmmm...something doesn't quite add up...a few olives short of a martini, this one..."
...the Antisocial Act to which I refer was no less than a gross violation of the Social Compact, rubberneckers...
...at the various and sundry prepared food stations scattered throughout the store, she would take a spoonful by way of camouflage...then she'd dive in to the trough with her fingers, grabbing the morsels and pressing them unto her cracked and stained lips...a quick lick of the fingers, then back for more...it was a revolting spectacle...
...I began to wonder. Was this a routine activity? A lifestyle choice? Was the woman hungry and penniless?
No matter. Dipping into the Public Food Trough with one's fingers is not merely nekulturny, it is downright unsanitary....and this woman looked like she and Personal Hygiene were not exactly on a nodding acquaintance...
...I called bullshit on her, rubberneckers, like a good citizen...by rights, I should have had her hauled off to the pokey as a public health hazard, but I am sometimes too kind-hearted for my own good...
...had I been the SWG hizzownself, I would have been tempted to show her my Cold Steel...lucky for her, he is still away, enjoying the mellow whisky and unctuous smoked salmon of the Highlands...and luckier for her, she was not dipping into the Indian Buffet...
...woe be unto her that fucks with Erics chicken korma...he'd take his weapon and deforma...
So I was bored and getting ready for bed when I posted the rant below at my site. Then it hit me. "Eric's out of town and I haven't posted any manboobs pictures in quite some time!"
Rather than damage any further his degraded image I decided to just cross-post the following from Shadowscope...
So I check and whaddayaknow, my keys still work! Even more amazing than that is the fact that I still had my password saved since I damn sure can't remember it. I know I am an uninvited guest this time but I never let that stop the party crashing.
Having my blood drawn seems to have turned into a full-blown goatfuck ordeal over the last few years.
The last few times I have gone they have had to stick me several times and after four or five times digging around in my arm with a needle they take it out of my hand. Shit, they can stick one right in a vein and no blood comes out.
Guess I am actually dead and just don't know it...
Anyway, I made sure to drink a big glass of water prior to going to bed last night and then drank two or three more when I got up this morning so that I wouldn't be dehydrated when they went to poke me.
Fuck all, it still took three times. Here's this woman digging around my fucking arm with a big old needle saying "tell me if it hurts". Shit, unless you rip something loose I'm not saying a damn thing, just get the blood.
She finally stuck one in the top of my hand and it came right out.
Either I need to go in and just slash away with my pocket knife to help them out or start drinking water like a week before hand. My arm is still sore where she jammed the gottdamned needle into my arm.
All to get my cholesterol checked so my Doc can renew my prescription next month. What a damned dog and pony show.
....
So I am still fighting the smoking. I cut down to almost nothing and finally quit for a couple of weeks and then started having one or two here and there. I have had a pretty hard month at work. Not an excuse but I guess working 17 days straight kicked my ass because I have purchased cigarettes twice.
Haven't had one in two days now and it sucks quitting again because I am going through the same damned withdrawals I went through last month. Doh!
I am starting to seriously consider getting hypnotized but I am afraid that I will come out of there barking like a chicken or whatnot...
I always try real hard to bleed easily for the nice nurse, so she doesn't have to go get Gerald. He's a 300 lb. defensive lineman looking dude that has a reputation of being able to get blood out of a friggin' turnip, which looks like a beet when Gerald is done with it.
Smoking: Try acupuncture. You''ll forget that smokes exist. And you won't bark like a chicken.
..... you know, it was ok to watch "Flash Gordon" when you were ten and it had just come out..... it might even have been ok to watch it when you were 16 and it first appeared on the big screen..... but to watch it when you are over thirty is just bone-crushingly surreal.....
.... a few notes....
1. I cannot believe that they ever let some hammerhead who was a main character in "Flash Gordon" end up playing James Bond..... good god, the horror..... that just isn't right, I'm sorry.... someone should be dragged off and shot for allowing that to happen....
2. What's up with the scorpion-thingy in the stump?...... when I was 8, that scene scared the shit out of me...... but now?...... what a bunch of dimwits...... like we're supposed to believe that there is a race of people out there with space travel, telepathy machines, and ray guns?.... and they still feel the need to make some young person stick his arm randomly in a stump containing a deadly scorpion-thingy to make sure he is "man enough" to live in a world that won't stand up to Ming The Merciless when they aren't 'standing up' in the first place?.... how the hell did those idiots survive before Flash showed up to 'save' them?.....
3. Those guys with the wings are just plain funky..... how do they fly around like birds when they never flap their damned wings?..... and hey, trust me, I've been WATCHING birds for the past three months...... you don't just hover around up in the sky when you're flapping like a bored Fatima of the Seven Veils holding a limp palm frond......... if there isn't a breeze, you plummet!.... plummet, I say!.......
..... and hey, any movie where Brian Blessed gets to wear a mini-skirt AND carry a sword is just plain odd...... don't get me wrong, I like Brian Blessed just fine..... I'm a fan....... he's a helluva actor...... and he can act "batshit-crazy psycho nutjob" better than anyone that I can imagine... he was brilliant in 'Henry V' with Brannaugh playing lead..... but to see him flashing those teeth of his and sporting those huge fake wings?....... let me just say, I could go the rest of my life without ever seeing Brian Blessed's bulging thighs again.....
4. ..... sorry, I still can't get Brian Blessed out of my head right now.....
5. ... ok, he's gone for a minute.... what's up with that elixir that they kept spoon-feeding Dale?..... so far, from all that I have seen in ANY science fiction flick EVER, that stuff has to be the greatest invention since the wheel....... "drink this, my dear..." ..... "will it help me to forget?"..... "no.... no, it won't.... but it'll help you to not mind remembering.."...... that's just kinky, folks..... deeply, deeply kinky......
6. .... why was Flash Gordon a football player?..... and a quarterback to boot?....... I protest that fact on behalf of every former baseball player on the planet....... you want someone to save the planet?..... pick a second baseman, a pitcher, or a catcher....... them's the facts........
7. ...... can you imagine what the band 'Queen' was smoking when the decided to do the soundtrack?..... good god...... sure, the music was ok...... but screaming "Flash!!... aHHHAAA" every thirty seconds for two hours just had to crush their artistic genius into teensy little bits of "I wanna die" dust......
...... sorry for the foul mood tonight, guys....... but hey, everything that I've said is the absolute truth...... and the truth shall SET YOU FREE!...... right?.......
..... so if you are so inclined to revisit that old flick from your childhood, a word of warning...... re-rent "Jaws" instead...... I know, I know.... but just trust me....... I hate scary movies as much as the next guy...... but in the long run, you will thank me...... it's always better to watch Richard Dreyfus fling chum, and lose the battle when comparing scars with The Captain than it is to have two decades of loving memories crushed by the awesome reality that is achieved by re-watching 'Flash Gordon' as an adult.........
.... well, tomorrow is the day of the coyote hunt.... it'll kick off around 8:30 in the morning..... I have a sneaking suspicion that my "hunting partners" will get bored fairly easily and I'll end up hiding in the bushes make wounded rabbit noises all by myself..... oh, and there is an 80% chance for rain..... I called them earlier (since they own the 3,000 acre property) to make sure that we were still a 'go' for tomorrow, and they mentioned the rain.... followed by something about, "we might just stay in the truck and shoot from there".....
..... that's cool with me, actually..... I volunteered to do the calling and let my cousin be the trigger-man.... he's been ill and this is mainly just a reason to get him out of the house and into the woods.... so hanging in the truck in a late-March drizzle will probably be good for him..... as for me, I'll be camo'd to the max and sopping wet by lunchtime...... oh, and I'm toting an old Winchester 12 gauge pump loaded with 00 Buck...... the "truck brigade" will have long, mean, scoped 7mm magnums.... ahhh, truth be told, I don't mind doing the grunt work.... a little rain, a little fog, and sneaking through the underbrush is good for the soul, I suppose.....
.... pictures to follow if I bag anything....... and depending on how soggy I am (even if I don't take a shot), I might provide photos tomorrow anyway..... just so y'all can see that I really DO get out of the house once in a while.......
... all in all, though, I am hopeful....... with rain, our scents will be covered a bit better than if it were dry and windy..... and we're approaching the end of their mating season...... so daylight activity is at a high right now...... every coyote in eastern Tennessee is looking for a hot meal and a hot date..... and if I can't pretend to be one, I might have luck at pretending to be the other.....
.... but what a way to go, eh?...... to come charging in like Patrick Swayze at the end of 'Dirty Dancing" because you think some redheaded hillbilly hiding in the underbrush is actually a sexed-up female that's ready for love?...... it's a purely evil thought, I know, but I do so love it....... yip! bounce! yip! yip! BLAM!..... no nookie for you, bird-dog..... you've just been well and truly had......
... more likely than not, though, I'll just end up sitting in a pile of leaves in the cool rain and catching a cold.... so, there is that.....
.... but the good news is, if I am successful, I plan to have whatever beast that ventures near enough to blast sent immediately to the nearest taxidermist...... y'all can pet it when you come for the barbecue in October......
You are going to be hidden in the woods making noises like the critters you are hunting... and a truck-load of men with big, loaded guns are going to be shooting in the direction of the noises?
What is wrong with this picture?
years back In was home on leave and went out one night with a family friend who had an eight track of wounded rabbit sound. He called up a couple of bobcats and some critter that had about eight inches between its eyes..and that is all I ever saw of it in the dim light..could have been a puma but when I hit with the flashlight and saw them eyes I was back in the pickup to fast to find out..just more than my .22 could handle
.... planning is currently afoot via telephone in the living room..... that yearly, traditional international call, ladies and gentlemen..... and if my tender ears do not deceive me, the current wind is blowing towards departing Tennessee on the 6th of May and arriving at our snug Grampian chalet after lunchtime (local) on the 7th of May.... tis a Wednesday, I do believe...... which means that we'll only have four days at The World's Smallest Hilton before heading back down the mountain to the seaside for the remaining six days....
... during those six days, I've requested only two things from the "vacation planners".... number 1 - the highest priority - is that I be allowed to lunch at least two consecutive days at 'Candy's" in Montrose.... a tiny, friendly, and extremely generous little hole-in-the-wall sandwich shop located just near where the highstreet narrows..... they do a Cajun chicken baguette that will curl your hair..... and their bacon baguettes are legendary.... my taste buds literally dream of those bacon (British bacon, not American bacon), cheddar, onion, and mayo works of art at LEAST twice a month.....
... secondly, I wish to visit Melrose Abbey - down in the Scottish Borders region..... I recently read about how the Black Douglas died while locked in battle with the Saracens as he attempted to take Robert the Bruce's heart to Jerusalem for burial..... and how the Bruce's heart was carried back from southern Spain and buried under the altar at Melrose Abbey..... that's just plain old-school hardcore, people, I don't care who you are...... and I want to walk the same grounds as those guys in the 1300s...... maybe even while munching on a luxurious treat from Candy's sandwich Shoppe......
..... perhaps I can persuade the Powers That Be that we should visit the location in Switzerland this autumn where an Irishman busted a cap in one of my GGGGGGGGGGrandpas back in 1664..... that'd be kinda interesting......
Very cool. I can't even get a vacation planned for 5 days in a row - yet you do this trip every year! I'm amazed. (maybe I need those vacay planners to get my husband to commit to some time off) LOL. I know you'll have a terrific time.
Lausanne? I have been there but much prefer St Gallen..http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/St._Gallen...
used to be a beautiful city and the surrounding country side the epitome of peace. I spent several different afternoons sipping beer or wine on the bank of a rippling brook watching Brown Swiss cattle on the other side watch me
..... I dreamt violent dreams last night and again early this morning, and I cannot understand why......
..... there are themes that run through them all that seem to tie them bindingly together.... but remembering back upon them during the early morning doesn't seem to pan them fully-out as the crisp light of day dawns.... but yet, they were.... and they are.....
.... I dreamed of the racked billiards balls being broken by a powerful breaker...... that 'crack' that you hear when everything explodes around you and chaos ensues......violence, pandemonium, misdirection, terror, anger, lustful action & reaction....... but even then, there was a certain calm that I felt when I sat upright in bed - sweating......
...... I've had that dream a hundred times before......
..... I got up and found myself a glass of water, checked the clock, and burrowed back under the covers...... and was asleep in five minutes.....
... the next two hours were filled with the strange, half-asleep dreams that woke me every ten to twenty minutes...... and at 7:15, I finally abandoned any thoughts of sleep and rose to greet the day....... cold, dreach, and misty..
...... but I awoke tired, angry, sad, and confused..... how is one supposed to function after a night spent dreaming like that?...... and why does a mind work in such ways in the quiet, pre-dawn hours?....... sure, I have been to scary places, but how do you reconcile that with what you wake up to?..... calm quiet, peaceful?....... but hey, check this out.......
..... if you sit on your floor with your legs out in front of you and raise your knees up so that they are nearly level with your pectoral muscles, lay your right arm forward across your knee...... so that the upturned elbow joint creates a fulcrum against your bent leg (at the knee)...... then reach out and press your wrist downwards with your other hand....... feel the pressure?...... feel the tightness of a bend that was never meant to bend?....... that is what I dreamed of this morning..... and it scares me every time that I think about it...... and I have no idea why that dream scares me so much.......
I kind of understand that feelingI broke somebodys finger once, because I applied pressure to it and bent it in a way that fingers are not supposed to bend, and I felt thoroughly skeeved by it, knowing full well what a human beings limitations are, and then crossing it.
Nightmares: I have them every now and then. The last one was a little less than a week ago, about these horrible thousand-plus year-old immortal half-human / half-werewolves. But I think Id rather have dreams good, bad, or WTF than not have them at all. They fascinate me.
I hope you had some restful shluffy last night.
(For what its worth, not that this would give you any consolation, whatsoever, but I just woke up from a nightmare that was about the worst Id ever hadugh.)
Hell raised by Erica on February 15, 2008 07:55 AM
When I was a kid I dreamed of tornados. Don't know why. My mother was terrified of storms. Maybe I got it from her. I'd see them coming toward me and I'd try to run away but regardless of where I'd run they'd follow me. The faster I tried to run it seemed the slower I moved as that huge black swirling maelstrom bore down on me...then I'd wake up. I had those dreams for years. As an adult, I've been through two tornados and dodged three more and I don't have those dreams anymore. Maybe they went away because the subconscious fear was replaced by reality. I don't know. Funny how the mind works.
Hell raised by Tbird on February 15, 2008 02:36 PM
Come to think of it...i had a freaky flood dream last night. It would probably help if we didn't read about sociopathic smokers.
When I have nightmares, or sometimes even just unsettling dreams, I try to realize that I am dreaming, and then conciously either wake up, or change my dream. Yes you can do that while dreaming, it usually takes some practice. Reminding yourself, each night as you lay in your bed before sleep, that this is what you will do in the event of a bad dream, usually works within a week or two, and continuing to practice it keeps it working when you need it. Once you start to get the knack of it you can actually chnage any dream you have both good or bad, so you can opractice on good dreams. It does not always work, but it is a big help.
As for most dreams, all I can say about them is that they are mind farts. Someone quasi famous once described them that way, and I agree for the msot part.
Sleep ever so tight, without a nary fright, all through the long night, until on the morn from dreams you alight.
All the best,
Glenn B
Hell raised by Glenn B on February 15, 2008 04:44 PM
look heah, that monster break ain't nothin' to worry about but if the sumbitch is sinking both the nine and the five on that break and you are playin' some five and ten you had better either wake up or go see a shrink!
Been dreaming more lately, after 4:00 AM and remember most of them. They're not bad. One recurring one I've had for years is that I'm about to graduate from college and suddenly remember a class I never attended. I hear that's pretty common.
Hell raised by Cappy on February 15, 2008 07:33 PM
I haven't remembered a dream in a long time... years, actually. I miss them.
.... I've just spent most of the evening reading from my "Gaming & Idling Miscellany" while Gershwin's tunes belted forth from the living room accompanied by gleeful peals of laughter.... "An American in Paris" and Gene Kelly have been the culprits, I'm afraid......
.... but you know, I've always liked ole Gene...... in my mind he was infinitely more masculine that Fred Astaire - that egg-headed Nebraskan who wouldn't have been crapola if it hadn't been for Ginger's fawning all over him..... and hey, while we're at it, Ginger Rogers just never did anything for me whatsoever... she was too square-bodied........ so this gentleman, dear readers, most definitely does not prefer blondes......
... but be that as it may, I was still shocked by the scene I was presented with when I wandered through to refresh my Scotch a few minutes ago..... for on the television was Mr. Kelly wiggling through the final scene of the movie and garnering 1000% of The Missus' attention..... I was shocked and awe'd, folks..... behold what I was greeted with, hammerheads.....
..... I looked at the TV..... I looked back to The Missus...... and no heed was paid to my approach.... instead, she simply sat there with both of her goggles latched firmly onto the glowing screen (and Gene's muscular buttocks as they swayed).......
.... I tell you, folks.... it's hard to live around these here parts and maintain a shred of dignity with any sense of constancy........ life here, well, it's like The Tide..... it ebbs and flows..... ebbs and flows.....
.... I think I'm going to go and have her go and make me a sandwich just out of spite...... I'm in the mood for a grilled cheese anyway...... but wow, Gene Kelly's ass, indeed....... perhaps I should buy some sort of sand-colored leotards....
..... no, wait.... on second though, I dont really think that is such a good idea...... I think I'll grow a beard instead...... I certainly can't learn to dance..... and I'd look pretty damn funny in leotards.......
.... those girls dancing with their skirts up, though, they were quite interesting on the return trip to the blogroom...... but by then?... well, the damage had been done.....
He stole that routine from me, but I danced in my skivvies as I was more buffed than he...
Tennessee will only go dry when Brooklynites learns english...
Hell raised by jerry on December 16, 2007 09:40 PM
Mr. Kelly was showing more than just his buttocks, though you had to watch closely. But your lovely missus was most likely taken with his funky little cap. Grab yerself one of those, me laddy, and she'll be following yer every move. Don't rightly know where to start looking for one of those. I doubt that Walmart would have them...
Hell raised by Winston on December 16, 2007 09:47 PM
I 'spose one could start with wearing tight leotards and learning to dance, but after that it's a matter of choice on one side or t' other. Arteests and their whims are a funny bunch by times.
I wonder if he could have done the old "crack walnuts with if butt-ocks" thing?
But yeah, a nice pair of blue jeans on a man beats leotards any day, they at least have texture.
Hell raised by holder on December 17, 2007 06:15 AM
Maybe its the semi/sorta/sometimes athlete in me, but if you'd not have pointed out the painted on clothes, I'd probably not have thought about it much. I was too stunned by what great shape he was in. Cardiovascularly, that man was amazing. And limber. I'm about as flexible as a brick.
I just enjoyed watching him cavort without the speakers on,,,much more interesting I must say!
Hell raised by Michele on December 17, 2007 11:00 AM
Gene Kelly, performing in a musical written by George Gershwin, who proposed (unsuccessfully) to Kitty Carlisle, whom SWMBO and I met a year ago at Reagan International Airport.
What's that - four degrees of separation?
Of course, I lack the physique, the leotards, the snazzy little hat, and any semblance of Dancing Ability...
Hell raised by Elisson on December 17, 2007 02:21 PM
I didn't come here to read about Gene Kelly's arse.
I better get a job. Apparently idleness in Appalachia leads to Homersexuality.
Hell raised by Velociman on December 17, 2007 06:11 PM
Leotards - 1
Visible "package" - 0
Even in the presence of raised skirts??? Hmmmm... What does that tell you??
Listen to Auntie Rich now - you have no worries M'dear. None at all. That boy ain't right. Just sayin'... ; )
Hell raised by Richmond on December 17, 2007 06:27 PM
[cue deliverance music]
Shoot man. Take the got-damned remote and change the channel while she's makin' the sammich. Don't they have a penguin channel now? Dude, there's a fishin' show or a monster truck show on 24x7. Keeps this nation sane, it does. Hell, hit the speed channel and watch "Pinks" if you get in a bind. You noticin' some fella's hind end swayin' is gonna make me wear a long baggy sweat shirt and an extra pair of depends next time I drop by.
[/cue deliverance music]
PS: I read in the news today, so you know it's true, that Scotland's gonna sink in the next fitty, all those low lyin' liquor makers over there will be under water, and there will be a shortage of whiskey. Stock up brother, you're a hell of a lot younger than I am.
Hell raised by RedNeck on December 17, 2007 09:18 PM
I always figured that Gene Kelly had a lot in common with Rock Hudson
.. when the chips are down and everything goes sideways, I am actually a fairly brave fellow indeed, I have been part in quite a few touchy moments from European bar fights to the occasionally homicidal rickshaw driver deep in the Indian sub-continent, I have held my own and given as good as I got.
but put me in a damnable dentists office with a filling, crown, etc. on the schedule, and I turn into 198lbs of pure USDA Choice Crybaby.. Grade A.
it is completely embarrassing, it truly is. every muscle in my body tenses as I close my eyes and focus, focus, focus on keeping my jaws spread as widely as possible and when he nods down at me and says, alright, Eric rest for just a moment. . I swear that I go from imitating a surfboard to actually puddling into the conforms of the dental chair.. by the time the procedures are over I feel like Ive been a losing participant in a marathon..
the real kicker is that my dentist is an absolute saint of a man. been my tooth-doc since my first tooth sprouted from my gums. and known me for over 30 years so I KNOW that he isnt going to hurt me.and yet I am filled with panic every single time it is 100% irrational and I know it. but I just cant help myself..
. And the assistant treats me with such kid-gloves. she starts with the numbing swabs and puts on the laughing gas. then more gas and more. and then the injections once the swabs have been removed. And then more gas as he does his work.. and I feel no pain whatsoever. but even under the influence of the gas, I am still a fucking basketcase. good God, it is embarrassing. After the first set of injections (which I hardly felt), I actually showed her the palms of my hands. they were drenched from the nervous anticipation..
here is a snippet of the conversation I had with Dr & assistant prior to reclining back for them to begin..
Doc: Hey!... Good to see you!.... You are looking well!
Me: . thanks.. I have to tell you though, this room is my least favorite place in the universe
Doc: Ahh, well, well take good care of you. youve got nothing to worry about.
Me: . oh, I know and trust me, it isnt you guys.. it is just one of those things..
Doc: ( preparing his gigantic thingy of Novocain and humming slightly to himself)
Doc: Yeah, I know what you mean. I suppose that youd rather be out hunting or fishing or golfing.
Me: . Sir, I would rather be surrounded by Zombies and armed only with a cricket bat than be sitting here just at this very moment..
Doc:
Assistant: Well, Halloween is over, Eric. No more Zombies until next October!
Doc: Alrighty, were all set. Lay on back here, Eric. I will be finished with you in NO time!
. Having not read my blog before, the reference to being surrounded by Zombies was completely lost on them. especially in regards to the sheer, shitting-ones-pants, frightening-ness of being in such a situation when one is burdened with my accursed phobias..
so happy November 1st, folks. See?.... didnt I tell you guys just YESTERDAY that November was going to suck?.....
and while I am thinking of it, why isnt puddling a word.. it certainly should be. But spellcheck keeps freaking out over it like it is one of those little white cards with the date of your next dental appointment printed on it.
I am exactly the same way when I get my eyebrows waxed. The pain -- if it could be called pain -- is minimal, yet quite bracing, and I always anticipate the ripping of the delicate hairs out of my brow to be far worse than it actually is. Dentist, though? No problem. I've never had a cavity [*knock wood*], so it's never been an issue for me.
I sure do. Fortunately, and unfortunately, Jerry, I've been blessed with teeth that both protrude from my mouth like Bugs Bunny, and are discolored from years of drinking iced coffee. No cavities, though [*knock wood*], which I attribute to good brushing and flossing habits.
I wonder if there is such a thing as a zombie dentist??
Hell raised by james old guy on November 1, 2007 06:18 PM
Funny you should mention it, I spent about 90 minutes in the chair today getting a crown. Lots of drilling, lots of gookum impressions and lots of novacaine.
My dentist has the temprement of Mr. Rogers, and he hates Hillary. That made it much easier.
Hell raised by Jim - PRS on November 1, 2007 07:22 PM
Argh...I'd rather have knee surgery than go to the dentist! (And I know what I'm talking about: I've had 5 knee surgeries!!) So I feel your pain/anxiety. The gas is the only way to go. If only they'd let you take it with you!
Hell raised by DogsDontPurr on November 2, 2007 12:27 AM
Funny you should mention it. I am the same way and because of tis I have avoided dentists like the plague and dim-a-crits for years. And looks like both are gonna haunt me for a while..
I have an appointment with a tooth yanker that da Catfish referred me to in Brunswick Georgia on the 15 of January. He is gonna yank out what I got left and no more dental problems for me...now eating may be a chore but I always seem to manage to do that chore one way tor another...
Now about that word puddling? And spell check? About half of my redneck vocabulary will not pass spell check scrutiny but strangely enough 'puddling' did on this brower
Truly, sir, I am shocked. Shocked I tell you -- shocked. You have stood tall among mere men in your display of bravery, bravado, and pain endurance. We all have admired you greatly for those qualities, the very attributes that scream REAL MAN! We thought you were skeert of nuthin'. Now this...
We'll caucus and advise you of any decision that may affect your ability to continue as our leader. We may even have to ask you to leave the island...
Hell raised by Winston on November 2, 2007 07:05 AM
Hey dear - at least you don't have to make the annual trek to the Gynecologist. Talk about bracing yourself. Gah...
Hell raised by Richmond on November 2, 2007 09:54 AM
You have all my sympathy. I won't repeat the stories here (aren't you happy), but suffice it to say that every tooth in the back of my mouth has been modified - some tremendously. It takes LOTS of Novocaine for this to be done properly. And I'm so tense in the dentist chair my muscles are sore for several days afterward. heh.
Hell raised by Teresa on November 2, 2007 09:56 AM
The Missus has almost perfect teeth...only one cavity, if I remember correctly. If not for the fact that she spent 2 years having her jaw adjusted, she would have skated through life with minimal Dentist Annoyance.
Erica, you can probably thank the excellent fluoridated tap water of NYC for your perfect teefs. Of course, the people who drink expensive bottled water are not getting their fluoride ration, so there'll eventually be Hell to pay...
Me, I don't mind the dentist...much. Except for that fucking Ultrasonic Cleaner torture-device. Gaaah.
Hell raised by Elisson on November 2, 2007 01:46 PM
You poor baby...I never had a dentist fear, but I can relate to the anxiety thing that persists even under anesthesia...wierd, huh?
Too bad there wasn't a before picture of me before I had my stuff done...you'd be afraid to NOT go to the dentist, because what happened to me was after years of dental work...I mean I had to go once a week for awhile...lost my first two teeth when I was 21...
Anyway, what is important for you to remember here, is that you don't let your fear rule you. Even though you are scared, you still go...and that is the very definition of courage. Facing your fears.
I always bring my mp3 player loaded with Coldplay when I go tot he dentist. Chris Martin is the only sound annoying enough to drown out the sound of the drill...and the pain really seems to pale in comparison to that damn Clocks song.
Unless you like Coldplay. Then I'd suggest the cricket bat.
Only minimal dental care till I joined the Navy and those boys had a field day. The worst was the wisdom teeth. Both bottom ones impacted and the first idiot tried to do a straight extraction. After he lifted my upper body off the chair I informed him he was done. When he tried again I grasped him by the tender parts and told him that if he hurt me I would hurt him. He retired from the area and another dentist finished the job correctly. I figured I was headed for the brig for assaulting an officer but nothing was ever said. As Bill Cosby said "when you are in the chair you can walk with just your butt cheeks" I have slid out more than once. More gas please!
Actually, Rey...Eric and most of his readers know that my comment was, in fact, a joke. Not that I don't enjoy you defending his honor. It's really, really sweet.
Hell raised by zonker on November 3, 2007 02:16 PM
Sorry Zonker the whole dentist thing just bypasses logical thought and rouses the hind-brains protection of the tribe response. If the dentist bothers someone they are in the tribe and must be defended. Now Marines should be picked on cuz they are Marines so Eric does deserve some abuse. Rey (USN Ret.)
after six glorious years of happily forking over cash to the local, hard-up sixteeners for mowing my lawn and trimming with a weedwhacker, the well has finally run dry..theyve all finally gotten to college age and decided that they no longer wish to drench their Abercrombie & Fitch jeans in sweat for a mere 60 bucks..
.. indeed, folks, times are getting hard around the compound here
. So, as you do, I trekked over to the local Lowes yesterday to shop for a lawn mower good God, almighty!....
it seems that lawn mowers have gone out of fashion since I last had need for one. And they have been replaced by something known as a garden tractor. 2 grand, people.. throw in a 4-cycle weedwhacker, a gas can, a sweat rag, and sundry consumables, and you have the occasion to throw quite a curve ball into the old savings account
.. yes, indeedy, I now own one big, honkin, orange Husqvarna garden tractor. and a Homelite strimmer.. now I just need to find me someone to drive it around and around my yard while I watch
.. truthfully, though?.... why a lawn mower needs a headlight, bumper, cup holder, cigarette lighter, and cell phone charger, well, I just dont know.
. I did skip the model that had air conditioning and a six-CD changer though.. that just seemed like overkill
Hey, as a contract-engineer, I could fully automate that tractor with radio controls and video so that you could drive it around from inside the comfort of your home while watching it on a monitor.
I've done smaller projects running a radio-controlled car with video around at a party between legs of people, sort of childish I know.
I'm pretty serious about this and can test it first on our ~2 acres for safety and silly things like that. (Yeah I don't like riding that thing for more than about 10 minutes).
-lco
Hell raised by Lance Osborne on March 23, 2007 09:22 AM
Damn, dude......I must not be living right.
I need your job. Oh yea. You ain't got one.
Hell raised by bitterman on March 23, 2007 10:54 AM
Did you know that husquavarna is Finnish for eat your money? Might I suggest you take it back to Lowes and invest in a ewe and a ram. It might be cheaper and you get to eat their offspring . I mean the ones that arent keeping the lawn trimmed. Just a thought.
I might live in Africa, but I know the value of a buck, and besides the Rand, Kwachas, Meticais, Shillings and Zim Dollars we have to deal with here, a buck is a buck.
I pay my staff above the minimum wage, I pay $ 200 for a month of tending my garden, the standard in Zambia would be $75.
Your Oom Kees has owned many tractor/mowers/fuckups, stay away, pay $100, or more, or emmigrate.
And now a special vindictive sting, use a undocumented worker to do the job Americans don't want to do.
Or vote,and convince your neighbour to do so, correctly, not to become like us here
Love you all.
Hell raised by Keeskennis on March 23, 2007 01:34 PM
You can always plug your laptop into the cigarette lighter in between smokes and then it would become a 'blog tractor'.
Sounds like your lawnmobile has more gizmos, bells, whistles and doo-whickies than either of my cars. In fact, it sounds like it has more attachments than some houses I've lived in. You Americans really have no restraint when it comes to "simplifying" your existence.
Erica
If you figure it out please let me know so I can also understand.
Hell raised by keeskennis on March 24, 2007 10:32 AM
I've got a strange problem here- I've got real tractors and a half-a-dozen mowers of differing sizes and jobs and I STILL hire someone to come and mow my lawn. The damned stuff is too big and cumbersome to use around the house but if my lawn were obstacle-free it could be done in under 5 minutes. Life ain't fair.
Oh well, it's better for the kids and the eyes than my solution at my previous place. The ground was scurfed up during site preparation and I kinda liked the clean gravel it was on, so if anything green reared its ugly head I sprayed it with Roundup to prevent mowing. Hallelujah Monsanto! It did look kinda ugly though and tracked sand into the house and pool. Nothing's perfect.
. You know, I still have one of the original copies of Annas appearances in Playboy buried somewhere deep in the blogroom closet. I initially bought it because she parlayed something very basic about humanity. She was, after all, the modern day Marilyn for a split-second.. well, except that Monroe left a body of work (in the classical sense) and Anna just left a body oh, and that Marilyn had natural tits.. but I digress.
.. still, though, she is dead.. and that is a tragedy.. 39 is just too early to pop your clogs, look towards heaven, and moan through your red lipstick take me home. even if you do have monumentally-stacked fake breasts. 39 is just too damn early.. hell, she could have at LEAST survived until she got those Texas Billions that she was promised by her ancient lover and the Texas courts..
but hey, life rains on everyones parade sooner or later for me?.... give me Penelope Ann Miler shaking her ass in Carlitos Way any day rather than Anna rolling around in a tub of bubble bath for Hefner.. Hell, ever since I watched Kindergarten Cop Ive been a Penelope fan.. goodness, Arnie should have kicked that Kennedy to the curb back then and screamed Penelope from the very top of his Austrian lungs. but that is a story for another day.
. Lookit, people.. talent and beauty do not walk hand-in-hand every day as a matter of fact, rarely do they meet each other at all..and Anna?.... hey, I am sorry that she is dead. And I wish that shed had a better life.. but flicking the channel today between Fox AND CNN gave me a wonderful barometer on the state of our union.. and in short?..... were fucked.. well and truly fucked
the day that the death of a fake-titted, methodone-addled, Playboy model/Golddigger takes preeminence over our continuing battle with terrorists, a nuclear-armed North Korea and Iran, and the downplay of the Colts winning the Super Bowl, well, just stick your heads between your legs now, rubberneckers.. because it is time to officially kiss your ass goodbye.
. But hey, Im still keeping those old Playboys maybe one day theyll be worth something again..
Excellent points. We are screwed! News? What news?
Leaders Nancy and Harry, Weak candidates. Our elected congressmen unwilling to support a war wholeheartedly, or have the balls to say they are voting us out of there! and on and on to sickening unending monotony! God save us!
Being a southpaw, my left hand doesn't know what to do with its self, but by tomorrow morning I'll have sent her mamories a packin' fer sure.
Hell raised by Bullseye on February 8, 2007 09:46 PM
Yep. Behold the instant gratification generation. Deaf and ignorant by mass media overload.
Pool our weapons and resources in a yet to be determined stronghold Southern location and wait for the coming apocalypse sez me.
I'm favoring your neck of the woods. Mississippi's too damned flat. Can't get lost in a bean field.
Hell raised by bitterman on February 8, 2007 11:29 PM
True dat 'bout the MM... Is it just me, or does that "lawyer" fella always seem to be around when somebody drops out like a dove shot durin' in season? No warnin', just flyin' along one minute, dead a doornail the next...
Hell raised by RedNeck on February 9, 2007 12:25 AM
OK. All the big boobed blondes all kind of run together for me... me who does not remember names or faces. Idiot Savant that I am... remembering torques for military aircraft motors instead.
Is this the chick you had the big assed poster of, like life sized, that you bid out on your blog?
You should have seen the faces of my cousin and aunt when they heard the news. My aunt damn near cried. I started working a post up, right then, but "we're fucked" covers it best.
Hell raised by That 1 Guy on February 9, 2007 08:09 AM
"But hey, Im still keeping those old Playboys maybe one day theyll be worth something again"
Not a bad idea..you might even READ the articles some day...
But be sure you keep them hid..when the ragheads take over they will be chopping off heads of people who have these kinds of magazines..
But the news media has always been like this. It's the most excellent of ways to ignore having to report (aka - doing actual real work) on such a sordid thing as war. They try very hard to find as many of these type of stories as possible so they don't have to do anything but speculate - hours of airtime filled with inane chatter - a reporter's dream. Add some risque pictures and life is wonderful.
Yeah, 39 is too young and she was one messed up woman.
Hell raised by Teresa on February 9, 2007 11:23 AM
She was one fine, hot, sexy and pretty woman at one time. She maybe hated by many but she was also wanted by many. We all know she had nothing between the ears, but when it comes to fucking, who cares?
Hell raised by Catfish on February 9, 2007 11:45 AM
What's amazing is that anyone considers this news - the woman was apparently a drug overdose waiting to happen. The only shame I see is that the child is going to be the target of any relative or could-be-relative who just wants the money that comes with him.
"Deaf and ignorant by mass media overload." ... sad but true.
Hell raised by michele on February 9, 2007 07:27 PM
"Well and truly fucked" indeed. You nailed it.
Hell raised by Richmond on February 10, 2007 08:42 AM
""Well and truly fucked" indeed. You nailed it."??
She HAD been married to an old fart, but from the numbers of people jumping out of the woodwork claiming to be the father of the baby (whose middle name might as well be MealTicket), it looks like she didn't mind getting some extra itch-scratching whenever she could get it.
I can't possibly imagine why such a bottom-feeding minor celebrity's death would garner so much media attention. She only made page 8 up here in the local paper. Guess there's hope for Canada yet, eh?
YeahI guess were fucked, but I think that sometimes our Fellow Americans, when hit nonstop with death, suicide bombings, terrorism, Islamofacism, and more death, get a bit jaded and apathetic. As for me? Finethrow in an occasional salacious story about a hot blond with giant breasts. breaks up the monotony. (Although, it is a tragic story).
Hell raised by Morris William on February 10, 2007 10:33 AM
I feel your pain. I heard a quick blurb that they were going to do a segment on autism in the morning news. So I of course kept the tv tuned it. They put more time in to that bimbo and her death then they did in the so called segment on autism. The autism segment lasted MAYBE 2 minutes, the mulitiple stories on Anna? All freak'n DAY.
I don't feel sorry for her, she continually made bad choices in her life. I do feel sorry for her daughter.
Hell raised by Maeve on February 10, 2007 11:09 PM
"But hey, Im still keeping those old Playboys maybe one day theyll be worth something again"
well, i'm probably coming from the other side of the political spectrum from you here, but i'm with you wrt the tabloidization of the news. there's a reason i cancelled cable. well, a couple, but that was one of 'em. a dead popstar is newsworthy, sure. it is not a headline, and it for damn sure does not merit constant "breaking news" updates. i mean, what? "She's still dead." sorry, but. i mean, really.
Hell raised by belledame222 on February 15, 2007 06:18 PM
and yeah, that poor kid's gonna be tossed around more than Nathan Jr. in Raising Arizona.
Hell raised by belledame222 on February 15, 2007 06:21 PM
. my workout partner bailed on me today and sought greener pastures instead.. its a good thing, too, because he would hated the scenery at the YMCA today
as for me, I do believe that I have found my timeslot. evidently 1-2pm is octogenarian hour. Boys and girls, it rocked. No suntanned cheerleaders sweating on the treadmills, no football beefcakes grunting as they pushed 300, just little ole me and a bunch of geezers who were feebly leaning on their walkers as they ambled from machine to machine I really felt at home..
of course, the only downer about the whole thing is that it is a bit disheartening when the guy finally lets go of his walking frame, sits down at the flat bench, and presses 100lbs more than youre currently working out with..
Hey I'm one of those geezers. I'll have ya know that when I step out in my Under Armour the wimmen are fallin over allover the place .Mind you I think it might also be the slippery winter condition here in the Nort.
Hell raised by Dan Toom on February 8, 2007 03:38 PM
What happened to Helga? Off to greener pastures?
Hell raised by Richmond on February 8, 2007 07:12 PM
my little Brother and I are complete polar opposites. its incredible. the man just has an aura about him.
.. take today, for instance. Im piloting Sylvia into the turn-off lane at a red-light in Athens there were a few cars in front of us, so were sitting back a bit.. hes in the passenger seat in his smoky-hazed pimp sunglasses and white under-armor shirt, shaved head, diamond earring, and neatly trimmed goatee.
Ive my head turned to speak to him and I happen to catch sight of two young ladies sliding past us in a Toyota Avalon towards the red-light. and they are both checking him out as they slowly roll past.
says I, did you see that?
. says he, ooohhhh yeah hey, check this out
what?
. He coolly takes off his glasses and says out loud, turn around, darling you know you want more the windows are up and the Avalon is thirty feet away, mind you..
.. and no bloody sooner than he says that does the passenger at the red-light two car lengths up slowly turn around in the seat and look at him.
he raised his hand and waved as he smiled out hello, babydoll where are you going?.
and to my utter amazement, she waved back and winked at him.. with him sitting in my passenger seat looking like some weird mix of Mr. Clean and Snoop Dogg..
... luckily the light changed and I sped away before he was dragged off to some apartment by those two and ravished senseless....
but I tell you, people, it was an remarkable thing to witness and there is no way in Hell that Im ever letting him borrow my car..
Wow, major flirting there! Yes, protect Sylvia at all costs.
Hell raised by Michele on February 5, 2007 09:05 PM
That's exactly how it is with my bro, Mr. Perfect. Chicks dig him...
Shoulda seen when I picked up my bike. He rode it back as I didn't have the license, yet. Womens were checking him out all of the way home. Thought at first that it was the bike, but whenever I ride it, it seems to be broken.
Hell raised by That 1 Guy on February 5, 2007 09:10 PM
They were looking at you, Eric.
Hell raised by Lisa W. on February 5, 2007 09:41 PM
I think I have figured out how you can get rid of that "pesky Brazillian"...
That is how it is with Morrigan and me. It is amazing. Of course it was unintentionally hammered home even more one day when I escorted her to the doctor for a frickin' sports injury that I was an accomplice to and the nurse asked me if I was her mother. That was lovely...
Hell raised by Richmond on February 6, 2007 10:51 AM
Why does this not surprise me? *grin*
Hell raised by Teresa on February 6, 2007 02:04 PM
uh, why you only sharing with the ladies of sleepytown, tennessee? YOU DAWG! picture postage now, c'mon! what? the shit you men will post, your colon, your gas, but not your fine looking brothers?? i don't get it.
.. Im a huge fan of reliability huge I mean absolutely enormous in machines, in software, and in human beings, I just adore reliability as a matter of fact, it is probably one of the greatest traits that one can possess but Im not talking about ole Roger?.. yeah, hell be on time. reliability. Im talking about emotional reliability as in, yep, ole Roger?... when he reads this hes gonna flip out. and what does Roger do when he reads whatever it was?... HE FLIPS OUT!.... see?... THAT is the kind of reliability Im talking about.
.. and that is precisely why modern actors piss me off so much like Dustin-bloody-Hoffman. One minute he is a gimpy New Yorker dying on a bus to Florida and the next minute hes a hand-wringing middle-aged autistic guy. the whole thing just pisses me off. sure, sure, it may be High Art and he may be Talented, but what it screams to me is unreliability!...
give me John Wayne any day.. sure, he may not have been the greatest of Actors, but by God, you knew what you were going to get when he walked across that big screen. nobody was going to push him around. hed probably pull out his musket/knife/pistol/boxing gloves and blast/cut/shoot/punch some uppity Mexican/Texican/Indian/Irishman, get the girl, save the city, win the battle, and swagger off into the sunset with a cheesy one-liner as a parting shot.. he did that shit in every single movie. THAT is reliability.
I know you guys probably dont get what Im talking about and hey, thats ok. but what really got this ball rolling happened last night when my Missus forced me to watch The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. good Lord, save us. Ill never EVER watch The Matrix the same way again.
. Hugo Weaving, people. watching him sing Mama Mia in drag has forever changed my view of Agent Smith sure, the film was pretty funny and I laughed a lot (in between cringing and plugging my ears every time an Abba tune came on) but ole Agent Smith just isnt as scary as he once was.. now?... every time I see Agent Smith, I cant get that picture of Hugo in his purple frock out of my head. and let me be the first to tell you, nothing takes the meanness out of a Villain like remembering him in lipstick and pantyhose..
Well you can still think of him as being reliable as he played sort of a freak in each of those movies. That Priscilla Queen of the Desert thing was pretty weird and funny; I saw it a few years ago, although I never realized that was Agent Smith.
As for reliability or typecasting in actors, give me Bogart or Wayne anyday.
All the best,
Glenn B
Hell raised by Glenn B on February 1, 2007 02:26 AM
Yessir -- Agree totally -- I always thought of it as "being yourself in whatever role you're in" - these type actors are always at the top of the heap. Steve McQueen, Jack Nichols, Clint Eastwood, Harrison Ford ..etc.
Hell raised by john lockard on February 1, 2007 08:27 AM
Uh... Two things you missed (IMO)
John Wayne in Gengis Khan
and Guy Pierce (of LA Confidential, The Time Machine [new version], and The Count of Montecristo) in Priscilla wearing a piece of ABBA poo in a vial around his neck...
My Ex-wife made me watch that movie years ago.
Hell raised by K-nine on February 1, 2007 02:54 PM
Heh. I hear you. And you know, in a completely unrelated side note - my grandmother's sister dated the Duke back in the day... Before her father (the Colonel) decreed that "No daughter of his would *ever* date a man named Marion."
Seriously.
Hell raised by Richmond on February 1, 2007 08:54 PM
. today I was afforded my first opportunity ever to inspect a set of ice skates up-close and for any great amount of time.. and a helluva thing they were, people. hard, polished leather. form-fitting heel. a shiny, sharp blade on the bottom. they were a size 8 set of fearsome implements. Honestly?... I never would have imagined that they would be so hardcore.. those babies were designed for one thing function and I watched The Missus use them - just as they were intended - this afternoon..
and I have to admit another thing as well. I have always held figure skaters as a wee-bit weird. a strange lot that I just didnt understand. and just how could ice skating be a real sport anyway?.... but not anymore. Nope, consider me converted. Hey, you show me an ice skater, and I will show you one really, really fit athlete.. physically fit, wonderful balance, graceful with every movement, and with a sense of space and timing that would rival any sportsman in any sport..
I think that it is one of those things that you really just have to see in person feel the whoosh as the skater zips by hear the ice being shaved as their legs propel them forward. watching some guy, girl, or couple curve around a rink on television just doesnt work. You sit there on the couch eating your Pringles watching it all and think, hey, whats the big farookin deal?... I could do that shit! (trust me, I thought that very same thing myself on occasion) but oh, how wrong you would be.. oh yes..
. So take it however you wish to take it, but know this now.. anyone who can ice skate is a complete badass
As a lad I was a helluva roller skater. Flips and spins and the whole 9 yards. Then when I was in school at God's University up in Knoxville, an ice rink opened. Went out and watched them a few minutes and thought to self - you can do that. Wrong! Ain't nuthin like skating on 4 wheels. Went about 10 feet and busted me arse. Another 10 feet and busted it again. After about a dozen of those I found an exit off the ice, took the sumbitches off and never went back. Now I'm fat and lazy...
Hell raised by Winston on January 18, 2007 06:24 PM
And did you put your tights on and get out on the ice with the missus?? That would be a site I'd pay to see!
Hell raised by Michele on January 18, 2007 06:40 PM
Heheheh... I'm the opposite of Winston.
My ma got all three of us boys some hockey skates one Christmas. Took a bit, but we got the hang of it. 'Twas a blast. Skatin' all of the time
Went to a roller rink thinking that it would be the same, and about killed myself. It takes me a long time to get used to those damn wheels.
Hey, I did most of my early years in NH and my husband in ME. WE know how to skate. Just don't do it as fast or as fancy as we used to but MAN, give me a live hockey game any day of the week! You get almost as much of a work out as a fan than as a player!
Hell raised by Lemon Stand on January 18, 2007 07:57 PM
Oh yeah, ice skaters are definitely badasses. Hockey players are badasses with an attitude!
When I was younger, like high school freshman, the ice skating rink was happenin'. We didn't have but one movie house in the town that we could walk to. The rink played cool tunes for the time, and you could always do the slow skatin' with your girl, and tear ass with the boys during regular skatin' time. My first "steady" girl and I used to go with the rest of 'em 'bout every weekend... In days younger then that, once the pond at the end of the road froze over, all of us in the neighborhood would go down there a kill time during the Ohio winters. Hell, it was cold, and took a lot of energy, but we were young and... let's face it, we didn't have to worry about makin' time for postin' on our blogs...
Hell raised by RedNeck on January 18, 2007 09:25 PM
Yay - I'm a badass!
So, when are we going to see some pictures of the Straight White Skater In Training?
Hell raised by Lisa W. on January 18, 2007 09:37 PM
moving yoga, while on thin pieces of razor sharp metal, on ice...
Hell raised by Jim - PRS on January 18, 2007 10:53 PM
Where I grew up, you could skate on the lakes in town when they would freeze over in the dead of winter. Skating on a frozen lake is the Real Thing, with the everpresent risk of immersion if one strays too close to black ice...
Trust me when I tell you, ice skating is ferociously difficult. I can't do it worth a shit anymore. Rollerblades, I can handle.
Hell raised by Elisson on January 18, 2007 11:21 PM
Alas... I am not a bad ass. I would be fine if one attached the skates to their ass, which is where I spend all of my time when on the ice. I hate that sport. I even posted once on how much I hate it. Humiliating doesn't even begin.
Eh, but I'm not a good data point. I can't roller skate or dance either. I'm amazed I function in society. ;-)
I grew up near (60 miles) the first icerink in SA. We hitched to town to skate. I played in a production called "Christmas on ICE" and played hockey.
If I try any of that stuff now I would seriously hurt myself.
But it is a thing of beauty to see others do it well.
Hell raised by keeskennis on January 19, 2007 10:10 AM
You just want an excuse to watch the ladies in their oufits spin o the ice...
Hell raised by james old guy on January 19, 2007 10:17 AM
Well, I can ice skate as long as I don't do anything but go in the regular "rink circle". I don't do backward or any other cute tricks. But unlike skis (which scare the bejesus out of me) I can stand up on skates - ice or roller variety - and make my way around without killing myself or anyone else.
Oh yeah... I'd love to see you out there skating. You'd look cute in tights. *grin*
Hell raised by Teresa on January 19, 2007 11:54 AM
it is once again the lunching hour here and Im stoked. Ive been hankering for some Krystal chili. and I plan to be found snacking upon six Krystal Chili-Cheese pups very, very shortly.
hey, were all about the health food lately and as of right now, my body is beginning to rebel against the salad avalanche that has hit here since Boxing Day.
hard times, people. hard times. woe betide the bringer of green veggies.
so the plan for today since the Missus is away is to jam as many chili-cheese pups down my throat as I can in the quickest possible time, hide the wrappers, and be angelically awaiting her broccoli & cheese souffl come dinnertime like a good boy..
. Im pretty sure that Ill be able to pull it off. for a while, that is....
... and for those of you who are unfamiliar with Krystals?.... Velociman spoke of their effects once upon a time.....
Never been to Krystals before...but the likes of what you're eating lately, I'd swear you were pregnant!
Hell raised by Lisa W. on January 11, 2007 03:16 PM
Ieat there at least two times a year. When I was a young boy, I loved them every week. The one on Victory Drive had a drive in and the other one was downtown on Drayton street and Congress lane.
Hell raised by Catfish on January 11, 2007 03:19 PM
Well, you've got the right idea but the real stuff is White Castle, the originators of the micro burger with greasy steam bun. Ah... bliss.
Bob
Hell raised by Bob Baird on January 11, 2007 03:20 PM
Cheese Broccoli casserole? Don't they negate each other, like a diet coke with a hot fudge sundae? :)
My dear boy, you have not lived until you have visited White Castle, stoked up on greasy burgers after a night of drinking and then waking the next morning,,,well, guess I don't need to explain the rest! *L*
Hell raised by Michele on January 11, 2007 05:16 PM
i feel your pain. i recently succumed to a frito pie urge that had been gnawing at me like the undead, you know what i mean. anyway, enjoy the chili.
by the way, mister spam man, what is the secret to your straight white digestion? must side with lisa, you preggers?
I've never heard of or seen a Krystals before. I'm completely lost on what a chili-cheese pup is.
Hell raised by Contagion on January 11, 2007 07:16 PM
Boxed farts we called them. Once at a personal best of 16 at a Krystal in Asheville NC. Had to lay down for the afternoon after than one.
Hell raised by bitterman on January 11, 2007 08:10 PM
Murder will out, my friend...and so will a Hiroshima-cloud of Toxic Vapors after those Chili-Cheese Pups work their way betwixt the duodenum and the transverse colon. You may hide the wrappers, but you ain't gonna hide all the evidence...
Hell raised by Elisson on January 11, 2007 09:49 PM
Krystals always go better with a good drunk... er, a good night of drinking... um, a night of good drinking... ohferpetesake!
Hell raised by Velociman on January 12, 2007 06:32 PM
Well, you've answered a question that has long been smoldering in the back of my cluttered mind. I keep seeing log-blogging that would make a feces-worshipper roll in the proverbial aisles. Meals like this are apparently the equivalent of a pre-ski party, and the blogging must be the apres-ski results.
. good morning, rubberneckers. todays frosty dawn finds me at a complete and total loss for words.
as many of you know, my humble home was less than 15 miles away from the horrific epicenter of the Great East Tennessee Earthquake that struck viciously a few days ago.
a few of my friends have reported in with harrowing tales of destruction. Here, here, and here.
. I know that Christmas is the giving time of year. And I sincerely hope that each and every one of you will reach out to your fellow man this year.
if anyone would like to send a care/rescue package to aid us in this time of despair, may I humbly suggest Scotch as a gift idea. It is natures true medicine, gentle people. and it is the gift that keeps on giving..
I'm Scottish, so I'm WAAAAAAYYYY too tight to post you a bottle of single malt - but I'll have one sitting here waiting for you should you ever venture over to the nice side of the pond ;-)
Just some food for thought http://quake.wr.usgs.gov/prepare/factsheets/NewMadrid/
Hell raised by Rey B on December 21, 2006 11:19 AM
You know I would be right there for y'all, but seems we're sufferin' from a severe case of SDS* around here, and we need to save all the Scotch for ourselves.
How about a case or two of Lone Star, instead? OK, Pearl? Not interested, huh? Well, we're there for ya in spirit!
Forge on, brother!
* SDS=Snow Deprivation Syndrome
Hell raised by Walrilla on December 21, 2006 11:31 AM
I have 4 rolls of Scotch tape that have not been opened; I will gladley donate them to help you hold it all together. Anything for the cause, man, just anything!
Hell raised by Michele on December 21, 2006 11:43 AM
Once again Homeland Security and FEMA has miserabl failed!!! I sent an Email to Nancy Pelosi and Ted Kennedy, I am sure they are on the way to help. I am sure Ted will be there to help drown your sorrows and Nancy to cuddle you in her bosum. You have suffered so much and it is the least I can do.
Hell raised by James Old Guy on December 21, 2006 01:34 PM
Just read that there was a big boom and a quake just out of Oklahoma City yesterday..you reckon Tennesee might wind up a sea port on the Pacific Ocean? I may have to make a trip up there and buy me a mountain top..
Wow! Are you a disaster magnet? Are you and the Missus ok? ::wringing hands:: I'm with Michelle...don't mind sending the rest of my Scotch tape and as a bonus I have a bunch of Scotch Brite to help with the cleanup! Might even have a few Scotch Guard cans and a Scotchlite hanging around too! ::runs off to search the cupboards::
Hell raised by Lemon Stand on December 21, 2006 02:42 PM
Blegging for Scotch again, are we?
"Any Port in a storm, but for earthquakes, only Single Malt will do!" - SWG
Hell raised by Elisson on December 21, 2006 03:02 PM
Hey, my earthquake was bigger than yours! We had a 3.7 last night, complete with a 2.2 aftershock. And we were practically sitting right on top of it....the epicenter was only about 2 miles away. I don't know if you've ever sat on top of an earthquake before, but it felt like our house was going to tip over! And that was pretty average for these parts.
So quit yer whinin' and get yourself out to California if you want to feel some real rock and roll!
Hell raised by DogsDontPurr on December 21, 2006 04:52 PM
Here it is the 21st...winter for gawd sake...in central NY...and its 57 degrees for gawd sakes!
Has the world lost it collective mind?..uh...duz the world have a collective mind? OH SHIT!...I forgot...*slaps blond flat forehead*....GLOBAL WARMING...geeze...how could i have forgotten that?..
Ok everybody ready now?...BLAME BUSH!...yeah...thats the ticket...
be ashamed...very ashamed.
Sorry for your lil earthquake....anyway i can hep? Have you contacted Gore?
No Scotch here, but I'd send you some glogg if I could legally.
Hell raised by Contagion on December 21, 2006 05:57 PM
A really fat guy across the street just cut a killer fart. It was at least a 3.3. Please send Slivovitz.
Hell raised by Jim - PRS on December 21, 2006 06:30 PM
Ol'y moley....what is the world comming too? Jim at PRS is in dire need...and all da boys in da Crackolinas is in dire need...and Gawd bless the Boys in Tennesee........dire straights, i tell ya folks...dire straights...GLOBAL insanity i tell ta...OHHH...THE HUMANITY!!!!!!!!!!
By Jeebus, how often the simple solution eludes us. I should have asked for alcohol.
Hell raised by Tommy on December 21, 2006 10:21 PM
Don't have Scotch in stock to spare, but will hoist a few holiday Martinis in the general direction of your home. Also, given the previous post, how about sausages and Martinis, maybe a sausagetini?
Damn, I gotta get a life! Having "complicated" crap with the girlfriend is a good case for more Martinis. Somehow, everything these days seems to be a good case for them!
Hell raised by Cappy on December 21, 2006 10:45 PM
I would gladly assist by sending the much needed supplies you requested.... however, since I am in Arizona, and the shipment would have to go through Denver, which is still closed due to the blizzard, I am putting that supply of scotch to the best use possible. As you might read upon my site, there has been a traumatic event that I must recover from, and the scotch (which was really meant for my grandfather) may make a remarkable effect on my recovery. Judge for yourself.
Hell raised by ralphd00d on December 22, 2006 03:28 AM
Please take preventative measures by shipping some Manishewitz (extra heavy malaga) over to my place in case New York's dormant fault line begins to act up.
Hell raised by Erica on December 22, 2006 09:31 AM
On second thought, I'm with Jimbo.
Slivovitz prevents the spread of disease in times of natural disaster (may burn holes in the lining of internal organs of the uninitiated).
Hell raised by Erica on December 22, 2006 09:34 AM
Hey ,does Drambuie count? If so I'll keep a bottle on hand in case I gets to Tennessee or you gets to up to da Nort.
Hell raised by Dan Toom on December 22, 2006 02:00 PM
Dude....tonight we had yet another 3.7, this time with 2 aftershocks. Please send Scotch.....heck, at this point, we'll even accept the scotch tape! (Lots of Xmas wrappin still to do, don't cha know.)
Hell raised by DogsDontPurr on December 23, 2006 02:49 AM
it is dark here now and a dog is barking off in the distance. a neighbor that lives about a thousand meters away has it staked to the ground in their back lawn.. I spied upon it earlier this afternoon with my binoculars while it was being fed a monstrous bowl of dog food.
I wish it would shut the hell up..
I hates me a barking dog especially at night.
. Were I an eviler man than I am, I would plot and execute his assassination forthwith.. but alas, I suppose that my old heart grows soft these days. and besides, Im too damnable lazy to put forth much more effort than squeezing a trigger. Arthritis, you know. and a monumentally overdeveloped blas
hey, wow. just as I was typing that last sentence, the damn dog shut up..and the insane bastard has been hard at it for over two hours now thank heavens for small wonders.. why, here I was getting my knickers all in a twist and imagining murderous rampa... damnation!.... a train just whistled at the county road crossing and the dog is back at it..
that dog needs to get countrified and countrified quick.. obviously his owners have impeccable taste in canine-flesh. dumb enough to bark wildly in the night at the passing of a train?.... oh yeah, that dog is obviously a pure breed.. any garden-variety mutt has enough sense to lay down and go to sleep at night and not get anxious over a stinking train-whistle.
anyone know of a good one-liner about barking dogs?.... Ive heard let sleeping dogs lie a million times and never really caught the gist of it. I mean, does it imply that dogs are more trouble when they are awake?... that doggies who are awake are more likely to bite, bark, or want to play?.. is it a warning that dogs are dangerous?.... I just dont get it. but anyway, I would love to have a good zinger about barking dogs to cram into my neighbors mailbox in the morning.. I mean, a pet which is a nuisance to everyone within earsho
ahhh its stopped again.
.... I'm not pressing my luck.... y'all have a goodnight.....
"Let sleeping dogs lie" is another way of saying "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." An abruptly awakened canine is liable to sink his fangs into your meaty calf.
Or it could mean that dogs, when sleeping, dream of the falsehoods they will spread on the morrow. Such thoughts as "My master is intelligent and thoughtful," or "I don't really want to bite that lady on the ass," or even "That dress does not make you look fat" may fill the dreams of somnolent curs, and we are encouraged to let them continue to do so.
Hell raised by Elisson on December 19, 2006 09:02 PM
.... wise words, yes.... but you didn't give me a barking dog line.....
I.HATE.INCESSANT.BARKING.DOGS.
My neighbor has a yapping rat for a dog. He's fianlly gotten the hint to shut that damn thing up after a few encounters to his front door.
They tried to pull the "no speak English" crap. So I made it CRYSTAL clear to shut that damn thing up.
Hell raised by Maeve on December 20, 2006 12:42 AM
My neighbor's shepherd barks incessantly. Rumsfeld hardly ever barks but he does howl when he hears sirens. He sounds kinda wolfish.
Hell raised by LadyGunn on December 20, 2006 01:45 AM
And I'm sure that, if your character is in no need of building, there is a device or two in the garage that could silence the beast. And that builds character, too.
It's all about being a character.
Hell raised by that1guy on December 20, 2006 11:09 AM
Arsenic meatballs. That'll do it.... and quietly.
Hell raised by Alaska Kim on December 20, 2006 12:10 PM
Not being discriminating, but I have some Korean friends that say... dog is nioce to eat, as long as it is not barbecued, and is delicious in a soup, some what like stew.
Just a note... we've all tried "weird" things at some point... I have had dog, and it ain't bad.
Hell raised by ralphd00d on December 22, 2006 03:34 AM
As for dogs that use their "burglar bark" on a train whistle at night, all I can pray is:
"let lying dogs sleep"
Hell raised by Harvey on December 24, 2006 08:30 AM
My suggestion: Shoot the owners, not the dogs. I'd be barking all damned night too if someone left my ass out in the cold, tied to a chain.
Hell raised by Sine.Qua.Non on December 26, 2006 09:46 PM
. last evening I was afforded a chance to see what many, many people have been screaming from rooftops for ages that we really ARE a civilization circling the bowl. I know, I know. harsh words?... sure but 100% justified, children.
and just what shining beacon clued me in on the aforementioned circling?.... what glorious epiphany clariond through my noggin late last night as proof-positive of our upcoming demise?....
. I watched a fully-grown, healthy man heft an elephant turd high over his head, squeeze it hard over his open mouth, and drink the juice that dribbled out. on national television.
and then he scared the vultures off of a zebra carcass and ate a few hunks of flesh himself.
I kid you not, rubberneckers. I saw it with my own two little peepers and trust me, I was shocked.
. And what amazed me most was how he chugged the turd juice with hardly any effort and nearly puked after each bite of rancid zebra. I mean, Im no survival expert, but I would have imagined that the dung-liquid would have been harder on the palate than room-temperature raw zebra.
but anyway, yeah. I figure that were pretty much done as a civilization now I blame Peewee Herman
Hell raised by Fiona on December 16, 2006 10:21 PM
You are just going to have to stop watching the Teletubbies.
Hell raised by Elisson on December 16, 2006 11:20 PM
Don't knock it 'til you try it.
Seriously.
Hell raised by That 1 Guy on December 16, 2006 11:39 PM
Go figure. Here I thought all along that turds (from which species matters not) were solid, lumpy objects.
Now you're saying you have proof that they're hollow, with juice inside? Like a coconut?
Everything I've ever learned in life is wrong.
Hell raised by Erica on December 16, 2006 11:52 PM
I think I've seen that show, if not that episode. He lost my respect when he went hungry in a desert where he had water, a "pot" to boil the water in and all the nopales he could have eaten.. but somehow he had the impression that there was only a tiny bit of the cactus pad that was edible!!
Idiot.
He could have had Nopales con Raton at the very least.
I wonder if the "experts" on the areas he's "surviving" in have been pulling some elephant dung on him for real.
And what idiot wouldn't have sawn off as big a chunk as possible of the zebra and then left? One does not hang around the buffet when one is scavanging. Then he could have built a fire and cooked the dang stuff.
Idiot. Some "survivalist".
Hell raised by Nancy on December 17, 2006 01:33 AM
Is this some kind of metaphor for John Kerry's recent visit to Iraq? :-)
Hell raised by Harvey on December 17, 2006 02:30 AM
Just what are you watching? I passed out on the couch every early so I missed any TV at all but it sounds like I didn't miss much
Hell raised by Junebugg on December 17, 2006 06:29 AM
I didn't need to read that first thing this morning. :( ugh. I'm with Jim, watch White Christmas or Miracle on 34th Street, or even It's a Wonderful Life for crying out loud.
Hell raised by Lisa W. on December 17, 2006 10:09 AM
Oh come off it people and chill. remember the Donner Party? Now there's some folks who were the real deal....survival wise. Beside elephant dung is required eating for baby elephants, so it can't be that bad.
as I type this no kidding - my young neighbor-lady across the way is crawling on her hands and knees across her roof with a gigantic, tangled ball of Christmas lights clenched in her teeth
originally thinking that she had completely gone off her rocker and was trying to graze on some sort of rare roof-hedge, I grabbed the binoculars and zoomed in. no hedge, people. Christmas lights..
bah humbug I only climb up onto my roof once a year and that is only to half-heartedly clean the dead leaves from the guttering. but to brave that pitch in the middle of Winter just to put up fairy lights?.... sheer craziness..
it is beginning to look like The Tree is going up the Day Before Christmas again this year
Does your wife know you're ogling the neighborhood ladies with "big eyes?" That's what we called the extremely high power binocs used on ship's bridges.
Looking through those things you could the the foreskin flap on a mosquito as it flew through the next county.
Hell raised by Big Squid on December 4, 2006 05:10 PM
... I wasn't checking her out, Big Squid... I was just curious about why she was crawling around on her roof....
That's right, and when I rocket gets stuck on your roof, you just call Johnny Oh or Joe. ;-)
We do the lights thing. I think flights coming into Palm Beach Inernational Airport us our roof as some sort of indicator on their flight paths... Think The Griswalds. :)
You mean you are supposed to clean out those rain gutter thingies once a year????
Hell raised by Michele on December 4, 2006 07:12 PM
I'm with you on the Christmas Tree thing....the kids say we have to wait for my husband to get home anyway to put the thing up. Good thing that is looking more and more like he will actually BE HOME before Christmas!
Hell raised by Lemon Stand on December 4, 2006 07:33 PM
Christmas lights? Hell, the electric bill is high enough as it is...and about them gutters with leaves and stuff? A piece of pipe on the water hose does pretty good..
You know, as a little shrimp growing up I was always kinda bitter about being the only house with no Christmas lights, no tree... nothing!
We were maybe one of five menorahs in a neighborhood of about 75,000+ Irish and Italian Catholics ... but as I got older - especially after reading your post - I'm so glad I don't have to deal with Christmas lights and chance falling off a roof onto the concrete and - heaven forbid! - cracking my head open.
Hey, let me know if you want me to airmail you some latkes. Nothing to warm a soul like a fried potato and onion pancake.
. I watched the latest James Bond movie tonight and I have two words for each of you..mainly, well, holy shit
. I will write more tomorrow about the whole affair, but right now I am without words. The initial chase scene?.... I have NEVER in all my borned days seen any man move like that that black fellow could climb walls, people it was incredible.and the gnarly old Bond kept up
Was I right, or what? Daniel Craig is the best Bond since Connery...and in some ways, I like this interpretation of Bond even better than the old Connery take.
Shaken or stirred?
"Do I look like I give a damn?"
Hell raised by Elisson on December 2, 2006 08:06 AM
Told ya! Although Sean will always be my man, Daniel Craig is one hell of a Bond
Hell raised by Junebugg on December 2, 2006 09:04 AM
Dang, I was all ready to not like this guy, but everyone has given really great reviews about him/the movie. I might have to actually drag G out to a movie one of these nights.
Hell raised by Lisa W. on December 2, 2006 10:57 AM
well, hell yeah Bond kept up. He's Bond, James Bond, super spy
. my old Scottish pal from over at The Groanin Jockstrap has been doing some pondering. and I have to say, the boy has an extremely valid point I agree with him unreservedly that too much of our Scientific Brainpower is being spent on trivial things..
we live in a mighty nation, us Americans and indeed, the World at Large is filled with genius minds.. but where we fail is, for lack of a better characterization, in our ability to focus on the REALLY important stuff..
. and I have a feeling that Boudicca might agree especially after reading this.
. grass roots, people. thats what we need we need us a politician who can promise us that we CAN have our cake and eat it too.. we need to organize get the word out Hell, Ive got some magic markers and if anyone has some cardboard, Ill happily draw up some placards for us to hold over our heads as we march
That phrase has always bothered me - "you want to have your cake and eat it too". Of course I do. What use is a cake you can't eat? Anyway, maybe we should forget about current politicians and start our own pan-global political party based around the core issue of tasty but healthy sweet food. I'd vote for it!
Don't forget beer! We want beer that makes you prettier (for real) and slimmer, with more energy, so that we really look like those commercials....
**rummaging through my kitchen drawers for markers**
Hell raised by holder on November 15, 2006 05:03 PM
Will crayons do? I'd offer up my kids idea of 'cardboard' but I just finished cleaning off the wall behind the couch....
Hell raised by Lemon Stand on November 15, 2006 08:17 PM
Count me in if I get to keep the Tee Shirt afterwards. We are gonna be issued cool Tee's for the event won't we?
. mollycoddling the knuckleheads yes, mollycoddling. a bad choice of words, perhaps, but it still rolled easily off of the tongue this evening when I was asked by the missus to define the current United Nations policy on controlling 3rd World Despots.
. you know, it is absolutely amazing to me as I go about my daily business that I have not yet been elected to some level of public service. perhaps a Mayor of a small burgh or even a representative that is all gussied up to be sent to Washington.hey, that would work.
I mean, damnation, Im in my proverbial prime here, people.. Hell, I should at LEAST be an ambassador somewhere.
in other news, I am sad to report that T1G - from Drunken Wisdom fame - has sent me a Zombie movie on DVD. let it be known far and wide yea, shout it loudly from the rooftops - that this unprovoked attack shall not go unpunished.
At least it wasn't a coffee mug with your zombified face on it.
Hell raised by Elisson on November 3, 2006 10:13 AM
You could be another Davy Farookin' Crockett!
Hell raised by Jim - PRS on November 3, 2006 01:49 PM
"yea, shout it loudly from the rooftops - that this unprovoked attack shall not go unpunished. "
Woohoo - boy fight boy fight...
Hell raised by Lisa W. on November 3, 2006 03:19 PM
I think Jim-PRS has the idea, the re-birth of the Crockett legend. Of course zombie wrestling will have to used in place of bear wrestling, PITA, ya know. I think we need to come up with some spiffy slogans, some of those fantastic one liners to carry that write in vote on Tueday.
ERIC THE RED, KEEPING THE ZOMBIES DEAD!!
VOTE ERIC, BE ZOMBIE FREE!!!!
Hell raised by james old guy on November 3, 2006 07:14 PM
Wow, remind me not to ask for anything for Christmas from any of you folks!
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Hell raised by tdvnggu on September 15, 2007 01:59 AM
wow. I was just reading about this study in the apparent dropping of testosterone levels in Massachusetts men, when I found an interesting zinger. here's a snippet.
They hypothesized that the rising prevalence of obesity as well as the sharp decline in cigarette smoking might help explain their findings, given that testosterone levels are lower among overweight people and smoking increases testosterone levels. But these factors accounted for only a small percentage of the observed difference.
hey, I didnt know that!... smoking increases testosterone levels.. SWEET!... maybe if I up my smoking my once-luxuriant mane will start growing back!....
...maybe if you quit, your nuts'll shrivel up and you'll grow Man-Boobs. Better get some input from Fiona before proceeding with any lifestyle changes.
Hell raised by Elisson on November 2, 2006 12:35 PM
As my father is apt to say, "Some men use their testosterone to grow hair. Others use it... for other things." Obviously my father has no hair... ;-)
We all know that Taxachusetts men are pussies. Geez! It's a state full of freaking liberals. What do you expect? Plus they've given us Flipper and the Swimmer. ZBM2! ZBM2!
you know, I tour through some pretty shady online places to find suitable blogfodder for you guys. And hey, I do it as an absolute Labor of Love. I like to keep you guys entertained
and believe-it-or-not, I find that Agony Aunt type places are always THE BEST to find bloggy ideas I mean, what is more fun that reading some mumbling whiners pleas for help?... especially when the advice is being doled out by someone named Aunty Peggy, Uncle Dave, or some crap
but on certain occasions, well, you find someones problem absolutely amazing and mixed among the is it ok for my girlfriend to suck on my toes?, the my sister is dating a total Playa how do I tell her to ditch The Pig?, and dear Uncle Dave, is it normal for me to dream of jackhammering that hot pre-school teacher as I drop off little Jenny.. even though I am happily married?, you get things like this.
thats right, boys and girls. her husband lays the whoopee down on her SO GOOD that she loses consciousness. Uh huh her partner gives her such an incredible orgasm that she actually passes out from sheer, toe-curling pleasure
good God. I mean, here is a woman who goes to bed with The Worlds Greatest Lover every single night a man who makes her cum like God himself had his tongue on her coochie and she STILL finds a reason to complain.. unbelievable.
I guess what they say is true some people just cant be satisfied
Actually, it was the husband who asked the question. I figure he's pissed because he wanted applause.:-)
Hell raised by Jim - PRS on October 29, 2006 02:12 PM
We shall not mention the Carolina game..
Hell raised by james old guy on October 30, 2006 09:48 AM
"...a man who makes her cum like God himself had his tongue on her coochie..."
Poetry. Sheer poetry.
If I were the guy, I'd not complain about a mate who passes out from Big Fun...it makes it a lot easier to roll over and go right to sleep, whilst ensuring that said mate ends up in the dreaded Wet Spot...
Hell raised by Elisson on October 30, 2006 10:12 AM
The first thing that came to mind was... where do I get one for myself?
But the worst of making your mate pass out from sheer pleasure is wondering what you do AFTER she passes out and you're not done. Do you keep going? Switch off to an orifice with better muscle control? Give up, pull out, and take matters into your own hands? Personally, I'd keep smelling salts handy and do it to her AGAIN! The poor little darling...
there are moths and there are flames and there are women and the movie Sybil. I swear, I just dont understand it.
good God I would rather repeatedly drive ten-penny nails one after the other - into my forehead with the sole of a fucking Birkenstock than suffer through another viewing of Sybil
and yet it never, ever, ever fails. if it is on, then it is watched. and hey, I do try to flee I run I blog I try to steady my nerves with outside chores or kitchen dish-work. but the primal, weaning screams of Sally Fields cannot be squelched by mere walls of brick, mortar, sheetrock, the running of tap water, or paint. no, no, gentle reader. her nasally whine can penetrate any barrier. ANY barrier. and it reverberates through my brainpan each time she squeals and lapses into yet another of her sixteen fictional personalities it echoes in my head. reverberating like the sound of a gang of violent midgets busily sawing through the back of my skull with dull hacksaws and all the while singing American Pie at the top of their little lungs
. and why that goddamn movie is FOUR hours LONG is a total fucking mystery hell, after two hours I was personally rooting for her boyfriend to wing the crazy bitch off the top of that housing block and be done with it.and that is mild, people after only twenty minutes of attempting to hide from the dialogue, I was ready to sneak into the nearest closet and drain a vein with my Cold Steel..
and on top of everything else, and in a vain attempt to maintain my sanity, I looked her up on Wikipedia while the flick blared in the background. and guess what?... most of the movie is fictionalized!... Sally Fields should be dragged off and shot
I know what you're saying. Like the weakminded among us would say... I feel yore pain. I once dated a lady who believed all that Multiple Personality Syndrome crap and could watch that movie over and over. There were times when I was driven from my home because of that damned movie.
Fortunately, the lady had the redeeming feature of being in possession of an educated snapper... that made it possible for her to drive me crazy without making me homicidal.
All I had to do was use my wicked tongue in that certain way, and appreciate the fact that the girl could simulate being a dozen different women, and I soon became a devotee of bogus junk psychology too. If I was good, I could make her shift-change through her entire repertoire and have the girl bark like a dog before she got to the end of Sybil.
What crap.
Bob
Hell raised by Bob Baird on October 25, 2006 01:19 PM
I remember seeing it... oh many many years ago. (when the hell was it made anyway?) It was on television and they blathered on about how great it was... I watched it, was totally unimpressed, and have now forgotten everything about it except that Sally was supposed to have an extra personality or two hanging around.
As I remember I found the whole exercise of watching it, dreadfully depressing. And at the end I thought... well... so what?
I would not willingly watch it again.
Hell raised by Teresa on October 25, 2006 02:27 PM
Good God. Sounds awful! Never seen it, never plan to. Ugh...
Hell raised by Richmond on October 25, 2006 03:21 PM
Sybil, doesn't that always come out around Halloween every year? Just like The Ten Commandments at Easter and It's A Wonderful Life at Christmas?
Hell raised by Lemon Stand on October 25, 2006 03:28 PM
It's "graced" my screen 'fore.
Remote broke bother? I'll send you some batt'ry's.
Hell raised by RedNeck on October 25, 2006 08:51 PM
Just for you, Buddy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iu60twC9qJU
Hell raised by Jerry on November 11, 2006 12:34 AM
from my secure perch here high in Tennessee, I have observed a disturbing trend in the manufacturing community to many of you, this Great Failing will have went unnoticed and to many, many more of you, well, you could probably care less one way or the other
.. but in My World?... it is one of the few ruffles in my otherwise stayed feathers.
for instance, the jeans that I am wearing right now have a hole the size of my fist on the left calf area. The hole was there when I purchased them and I didnt mind they fit the name-brand is missing from the jeans as they are most definitely of second quality again, no biggie they fit and are comfortable, and so they were purchased for ten bucks at some bargain basement bazaar outside of Nashville when I had nothing better to do a few months ago.
the size on the jeans?... 36X32 and therein lies the problem.
jeans are my staple on any given day I can be found wallowing in the Joy that is Wearing Denim but I am finding it increasingly difficult to find jeans that properly fit and hell, Im a fairly averagely sized fella
I just checked my closet and found among my seven pairs of jeans the following sizes 32X34, 33X34, 34X34, 34X36, 36X32, 38X30, and 38X32. and all of them are Levis and with the exception of two being button-fly 501s, the rest are straight-leg 505s. so, what gives?.... you buy the same jeans model and size and they are off in both inseam and waist by 2 to 6 inches?...
and whats more, I have noticed that some have five belt loops while others have the normal seven
.. the whole thing just pisses me off I dont know what the hell they are smoking down in Guatemala, but I wish someone would put their foot down
I am sick and tired of being forced to try on jeans before buying them after jerking my legs into ten to twelve pairs of Levis every time I need a new set of jeans, it quite literally becomes a pain in the ass.
.. so explain it to me, people is 36 inches somehow longer or shorter in Central America, or are they just doing this shit to piss me off?....
You do know that women read your site? Apparently it's been a while since your lovely wife has taken you on a shopping expedition while she tries to find clothes for herself - any kind of clothes. Blue jeans... that is child's play. *grin*
Hell raised by Teresa on October 23, 2006 03:05 PM
Hunh. I guess that those women who cut out the jeans only know 8 inches by what their husband's tell them... and evidently there is some lyin' going on. ;-)
Anyway, if you think that's bad, you should live in the world of shopping for clothes with us wimmin folk. It sucks wet socks. My closet ranges from size 4 to size 8 and they ALL fit. It depends on the store for us... Oh and for Morrigan's wedding? I have a 10. The 10 is new... I've not had any of those in my closet...and I've LOST weight, not gained it.
Bou stole my line... I was going to say
It dependson if if is a man of a woman cutting the pattern, we all know about men and their measuring abilities....
Hell raised by holder on October 23, 2006 05:24 PM
They're just doing it to piss you off...they want to see that red-head temper. They don't have red heads down there and they think it's hot.
Hell raised by Lisa W. on October 23, 2006 06:54 PM
They're probably pissed because we don't do metrics.
Hell raised by Jim - PRS on October 23, 2006 07:52 PM
Yep, I know what you mean. I have got rid of a lot of belly this year and dug through my closet and found some ole Wranglers that fit pretty good..so went to Wally World and bought the same brand and same size..too gotdam tight. Went back and tradeed them for a size bigger..that I didn't try on..too big, Went back the third time thinking about taking a fire bomb with me. Tried on four pair until I found a pair that fit and they were the same size as the first pair..WTF? Over?
. Rube has requested that we go and play with firearms in a field nearby. Hey, who am I to deny a guest their wishes?.... so, were off to pop balloons and punch holes in paper targets for a while.
Ill have some photos later of our afternoons fun it should be quite enjoyable....
good morning, fellow travelers. I hope you are all well and getting exactly what you deserve. Me?... Im more than just a little disturbed this morning
yes, I said disturbed. but what is it that has unearthed my internal funk so early today?... what brilliant piece of journalism has harshed my mellow?.... behold..
AGEING Playboy millionaire Hugh Hefner has confessed he is bored of bonking and would rather have a game of DOMINOES with his glamour girls.
Entrepreneur Hefner, 80, is famed for bedding thousands of babes and holding hedonistic bunny-girl parties at his Beverly Hills mansion.
But the publisher who turned his mens magazines business into a worldwide entertainment and fashion empire said he no longer had the energy.
He said: Im bored of the hanky panky. Im still active but its different I like to play dominoes with my girlfriends.
Hef, oh Hef why has thou forsaken us?... at 80, you are were a shining beacon of how a perfect world could be.
and now, dominoes?....
some days the news is just too damn depressing. Im going back to bed.
It's the callouses. They interfere with performance.
Hell raised by WitNit on October 12, 2006 09:07 AM
*snicker* dominos . . .
Hell raised by oddybobo on October 12, 2006 10:26 AM
So... let me get this straight. Hanky Panky is more boring than dominoes. Hunh. He either plays a really really exciting game of dominoes OR I don't want to live to be 80.
Ya just don't get the idea of 'connect the dots' eh?
Hell raised by Micheel on October 12, 2006 12:13 PM
If it's any consolation dear Eric, they're probably playing naked dominos...
Hell raised by Lisa W. on October 12, 2006 04:14 PM
Haven't you ever heard of BDSM?
Bondage, Dominoes, Sado-Masochism...
Hell raised by Elisson on October 12, 2006 04:39 PM
Lisa hit it... He's got to at least be playin' "strip dominoes"...
Hell raised by RedNeck on October 12, 2006 05:26 PM
Hey, give Hugh a break!
At least he is still playing "bones" with his girlfriends. (And I'll bet he occasionally hides a bone or two while they are playing...) It's all good. ;)
Hell raised by Richmond on October 12, 2006 07:44 PM
. winding down here.. winding down its been a hectic day. and I do believe it is time to visit with the 16 Men of Tain for a while. with just a few pieces of ice thrown in
anyway, Im just in from escorting the Sainted Mother to and from the local emergency room shes fine, of course and me the worrywart caused all of the kerfuffle for twas I who screamed mini-stroke! mini-stroke! ala Chicken Little... when everyone else is lilting through their laid back drawls, no, no no shes just got her one of them inner ear infections..
and of course, they were right. which is wonderful but my overzealousness to throw Medical Muscle in overwhelming numbers has resulted in five hours wasted, much gnashing of teeth, and the demise of a huge shot of Adavan into my Sainted Mommas backside
ahhh better safe than sorry though you only go around once, so they say best to try to stick around as long as possible.
I too am a worrywart. Anytime my boyfriend (who is type 1 diabetic) says, "I feel kinda funny," I start quizzing him on a list of symptoms: do you feel dizzy? nauseous? short of breath? weak? feverish? etc....
He usually responds with: "No...I just feel kinda funny."
Me: "Define *kinda funny.*" Oy!
I'm glad your Mom is Ok. Always good to get these things checked out. Cheers to a peaceful and restful evening!
Hell raised by DogsDontPurr on October 11, 2006 09:03 PM
yikes, sorry bout the scare. glad your mommy is alright. will be missing you bad this weekend. give the fam my lovies.
... yesterday was a day that was completely consumed by College Football Enjoyment... and I do believe that I have wiped the slate clean of any brownie points that I accumulated over the past year.. indeed, after the fifth hour of sports, distinct rumblings were heard that involved the words tile', new bathroom', and bastard'.
... regardless of the aforementioned static, the Volunteers began the day at noon, and pure, raw SEC goodness flowed until my head hit the pillow.... Unfortunately, I drifted off to slumberland with the blissful dream of Georgia getting punked by Mississippi.... and my dream nearly came true... 5-0, my aching ass.... Next week's game with Tennessee should be very interesting....
... I watched the Alabama/Florida game too.... goodness, people.... Alabama is dangerous.... then again, just because a SEC team isn't ranked doesn't mean that they aren't passionate, mean, violent, and ready to drop the hammer on you in a heartbeat....
... anyway, today is to be a day of rest and recovery.....
... the side effects of my homemade chili are slow and prolonged.. and they usually show themselves 12 to 14 hours after ingestion.... and since dinner was enjoyed a bit later than usual last night, the guttural waves are predicted to begin hitting the porcelain shores very, very soon....
... in other news, ole El Capitan has done me the honor of acquiescing to my plea for a Napoleon and Josephine story... sure, sure, I know he only touches on the subject for a few meager lines... but, hey!.... what he lacks in Napoleonic goodness, he makes up for with home-spun, collegiate tales of debasement...
Well, really, what more can one say on the topic? He liked his women ripe. C'est tout qu'elle a écrit, mon ami.
Hell raised by El Capitan on October 1, 2006 11:44 AM
Yeah, awesome day of football... Fearful for my Vols playin' 'tween the hedges next week.
Hell raised by Winston on October 1, 2006 01:48 PM
"gutteral waves and porcelain shores..."
You can write so beautifully about the damnedest things, Eric. Won't pepto help?
Hell raised by Richmond on October 1, 2006 05:51 PM
I'm glad there's smart folk 'round to sort this kinda shit out. I didn't understand 1/2 of what EC wrote, and I sure as shit don't understand that MexiFrecnh he's talkin' in tongues with now... Yeah, good on Tenn. for the win. When you get close enough... call 800 beatintheshoe... and come on up. That number might be different down there... it might be 800 beatinneyland... We got that kinda thing goin' on this year...
El Capitan... Does all them fancy words stand for "rotten pussy"? Inquirin' minds and all that...
Hell raised by RedNeck on October 1, 2006 07:59 PM
.... it never fails.... just when you begin to crush your opponents like beetles under a boot heel, someone breaks out a camera... and then, in the order of the cosmos, you miss....
... word...
.... and it is my experience that the speed at which the camera is whipped out is directly proportional to the amount of smack that is being talked....
... thus, once your crow is at it's loudest and your jibes are zinging hard and fast, it is then that the camera appears and changes your luck...
... and I offer the shot above is proof... proof that sometimes I should just keep my mouth shut and win quietly....
.. heh... it is just another tool, Imp... it ain't really cheating!..
Hell raised by Eric on September 23, 2006 06:23 AM
You were clearly blinded by the flash or you would have sank that one for sure.
Hell raised by Libby on September 23, 2006 10:44 AM
... I like the way you think, Libby...
Hell raised by Eric on September 23, 2006 01:15 PM
Stage fright is not a new syndrome, you would have missed by a mile in any case.
Practise, practise and practise more.
That remind you of something you learnt somewhere, remember hard, ah the MC.
Good that you lost, otherwise your hair would change colour.
Thank you for your links in taking me past 10,000 hits.
Thank You.
Hell raised by KeesKennis on September 23, 2006 03:49 PM
Kees:
I have always associated "practice, practice, practice" with sex. You can never get enough.
Hell raised by Sine.Qua.Non on September 24, 2006 07:07 PM
... today will find the Missus and I tooling up to Knoxville for our bi-monthly booze run.... the morning has started slowly and I predict that the rest of the day will follow suit...early Autumn... low 80s...perfect for dropping the top on Sylvia and spending a few hours on the backroads....
... I stopped on Sunday in Ellijay and dropped the top before crossing the mountain... and it was a helluva trip... after enjoying the company of my crazy blogger friends, it was a break from the norm to have the wind in my face and a clear head free from Chatham Artillery Punch and the sound of monkeys in mid-orgasm....
... blogmeets... wow... you really can't make this stuff up....
... anyway... I am off to town in search of lunch... I suspect it will be easily found....
... last night I had my arm twisted just enough to make me sit through another re-viewing of The Birdcage... and I have to say, it is really starting to grow on me... there are a million subtleties that you miss the first time you see it... like when the crying, barefoot, Guatemalan butler desperately tosses the shrimp into the soup kettle as Robin Williams slams a few glugs of Glenlivet... heh, I had missed that the first go-around... and it was pretty funny....
.... But I will say this... I am as big of a fan of Gene Hackman as the next guy... hell, apart from those Superman movies, I have loved everything he was in.... but the fact remains - and it is salient... he sure makes for the ugliest drag queen I have ever seen when he gets lipsticked-up at the end of The Birdcage.... seriously... Gene Hackman in drag is just nightmarish.... and besides, they should have made him a brunette instead of a blonde anyway....
... I agree... those pink socks with the suit really set off the ensemble....
Hell raised by Eric on September 12, 2006 11:27 AM
"monkeys in mid-orgasm..."
Heh. I wonder whether the V-Man has been able to pry that little sucker off his leg as yet...
Hell raised by Elisson on September 12, 2006 12:34 PM
The truly horrible thing is, I watched that for the first time last night and when Gene Hackman came out in drag, Old Sarge and I both thought he looked EXACTLY like a woman we know. (shiver)
Hell raised by Raging Mom on September 12, 2006 01:46 PM
"... I'm Lucy & Ricky ... combined."
Hell raised by erica on September 12, 2006 02:14 PM
"...early Autumn... low 80's..."
Uh, I beg to differ. Anything in the 80's can't count as being even remotely Autumn. Early Autumn is up here - it's 65 right now...
But Gene Hackman? Oh, I agree completely. Definitely should have been a brunette. He does we blondes a disservice.
Hell raised by Richmond on September 12, 2006 03:34 PM
Ellijay? Hmmmmm...very interesting route you took. Why not Hwy 64 to Murphy then cut over?
Just curious...remember I'm semi-new to these parts and need to know these things.
Hell raised by vicki on September 12, 2006 08:40 PM
... you know, it's hard to be cheerful in all weathers.... It really is... especially when you are watching the news or reading the paper... the waves of bad news and troubles can wash over you with a heavy weight.... and at times, you feel your gentle soul spiraling down towards doom and gloom... hey, we're all human...
... but then you read heartwarming headlines such as this, and it all seems that wee bit brighter for a while....
The dancers, who were dressed as teachers, schoolgirls and librarians, took off their clothes to raise money for the cash-strapped Clark County School District. Scores Las Vegas raised $2,500 during the event.
... people helping people, children... there is nothing more noble to see.... loving, hard-working ladies doing their bit for the betterment of their community...
... I don't know about you, but this little snippet of news certainly made my morning...
... and now I'm off to Knoxville with a spring in my step....
Then again, if I was on the receiving end of a fund raiser due to cancer or needing surgery, I'd be pretty happy if women took their clothes off to help me out. The thing is, I wouldn't have to watch them do it.
Hell raised by donna on September 1, 2006 10:40 PM
I suppose it would be in bad taste to say that those kind and generous(ly endowed?) women gave those kids the shirts off their backs...
Hell raised by jwookie on September 2, 2006 04:36 AM
.... trekking out to visit the dentist always fills me with a deep sense of dread.... and - truth told - it is a completely unfounded terror.... my Dentist is a saint and always takes very good care of me... and apart from the five years I served the Corps and the further eight years overseas as a civvie, he has been the only dentist I've ever visited...
... he was my very first Dentist... when my first little deciduous tooth sprouted, it was he who took care of me from that day forward... fortunately I didn't need much work as a child... being relatively free of cavities and such.... but on the other hand, my Brother's dental expenses probably paid the tuition for both of the Dentist's daughters at Vanderbilt...
... I arrived slightly early for my appointment... just as the hygienists and assistants were returning from lunch... and each of the young ladies offered a fine hallo and a slight smile as they entered the front entrance and passed me... I was sitting on the comfy couch trying my best to look calm and failing miserably... so I must have been quite a source of amusement to the girls....
... but after a few doleful minutes, the game was set afoot.... the moment to flee was no longer available, and I was led gently to the surgery room... once there, I was reclined back into the chair by the helpful assistant...
... after she prepped me, she began discussing the joys of convertible travel - she having witnessed me arming the alarm on Sylvia - and I did my best to extol to her the absolute wonderfulness of driving topless Audis... (which is harder to do than you imagine when you have two pencil-sized numbing-sticks protruding three inches forth from your lips)....
... in any case, the Dentist appeared and began injecting... and knowing from past experience what a complete basket-case I become, he kept injecting... and injecting.... and then he turned on the nitrous oxide for good measure... here it is nearly 9:30pm and the numbness has only now completely passed... my appointment was at 2pm....
... the procedure took just over an hour and a quarter.... and I was completely worn out by the end of it.... every muscle in my entire body had been completely flexed for an hour and fifteen minutes.... even with the gas... even though I wasn't in pain.. and even though I knew it was completely irrational, I just could not relax...
... I closed my eyes and focused on keeping my jaws opened wide.... I opened my eyes and stared at the light... I cut them to the left and watched the serene expression of the assistant as her hazel eyes focused on the Dentist's nimble fingers.... I looked to the right and directly into the pale, robin's egg blue of the Dentist's eyes as he worked.... I closed my eyes again.... rinse and repeat....
... every fiber that holds my 200lb, 6'1" body together was taut with fear... and I could not get past it... I was as rigid as a damn surf board and I wasn't even in pain...
.... the Dentist sensed it... after thirty years in the trade, he could just tell... he stopped for a minute and asked if I was alright... I took a deep breath and said I was sorry... that I was fine.... but I just couldn't make myself relax.... he nodded and said that he understood and that he would try to finish quickly....
... I guess I can now add shame' to the list of things that I feel when I darken the Dentist's door...
... and the really messed up thing is this... I've had broken bones... I've had serious injuries.... fights, scrapes, falls... rugby tackles that have nearly killed me... been beaten unconscious... beaten others.... hunted wild and fearsome beasts... I'm no stranger to pain or fear... and I have a pretty damn high tolerance to pain....
... so why in the great living HELL am I so spastic when it comes to a trip to the Dentist?.... in the Great Scheme of Things, it is a walk in the park....
Been there man. I'm on a first name basis with my dentist...he is my friend...and, like you, I've been fucked up every way you can imagine, but still...I'm always thinking of breaking for cover everytime I'm in his waiting room.
The bottom line though...the dentist is your BEST friend...Nothing worse than fucked up teeth. See you next weekend, with a big ass smile.
At least you were able to stay conscious. They have to knock me out completely to do anything. I have been known to bite and kick at random times. The dentists all know now to knock my ass out!
A couple of years ago, I switched to a new dentist. As usual, they had me fill out a form stating all my allergies, medications, surgeries, etc. At the end of the form there was a space for comments.
My comment was, "I would rather have *knee surgery* than go to the dentist!"
They got a big chuckle out of that....especially after finding out that I've had 6 knee surgeries.
Oy....I really hate going to the dentist....even if it's just to have my teeth cleaned!
Hell raised by DogsDontPurr on September 1, 2006 01:04 AM
I witnessed my Dad refusing any injections and have a filling.
He just stated that the after effects are worse than the pain.
I am more like Eric.
Hell raised by KeeKennis on September 1, 2006 04:53 AM
Maybe it's because of stories like this or maybe it's because your dentist secretly uses these once you're asleep because they're cheaper...
Hell raised by Lisa W. on September 1, 2006 07:11 AM
Damn - links don't work here...that would've been fun...
Hell raised by Lisa W. on September 1, 2006 07:13 AM
It is not just a man thing. I'm terrified of the dentist. It is irrational and unfounded but I cannot shake it. I trembled just reading your post. I am certain it isn't because of any bad experience, it is simply the thought of the dentist. Ack!
Hell raised by oddybobo on September 1, 2006 08:16 AM
I'm not a big fan of the Tooth Croaker either, but neglect in that area leads to unimaginable horrors, as Dax's recent post attests...
I get my teeth cleaned every four months, and I don't mind it...except for the part when the hygienist whips out that Ultrasonic Squeaky-Machine. I frickin' hate that - I tense up, just waiting for her to nail one of the sensitive spots. Yeef.
But getting a crown, ahh, that's not too bad. The only part of it that I hate is getting that tooth sanded down to a peg, whereupon to fit the crown. "Will this never end?" I ask myself.
Zombie dentists...now that's too disturbing.
"Fiiiiiillllliiiiinnnnngggggsssss..."
Hell raised by Elisson on September 1, 2006 10:01 AM
I, too, have a fear of dentists. I think the main reason I am afraid of them though, is because they are one of the few people that can do a procedure where you cannot see what is happening. Needles? Bring 'em on - as long as I can see where you are sticking them! Stitch me up doc - no local needed.
Hell raised by ralphd00d on September 1, 2006 11:34 AM
Also dread going to the dentist.... seems to me it is a situation where we have absolutely NO control.....feeling completely at their mercy...and knowing the potential for terrible pain.
I just finished my 3rd visit to the dentist in the last few weeks for extensive work... Each one lasted two hours, each one involved lots of numbing agent, each one I sat rigid in the chair... waiting for that pain that just might hit around the novacaine (it's happened before).
I have always had rotten teeth. Now the old fillings are getting cavities underneath them. Not surprising - but oh that work hurts. So, I feel your pain - literally. My jaw hurts on both sides today from the shots on each side on Wednesday. It's improving - but I hope she wants to wait a year before doing more work. *sigh*
Hell raised by Teresa on September 1, 2006 05:18 PM
Cocktails + patio = happiness. Just sayin'. :)
Hell raised by Richmond on September 1, 2006 07:17 PM
I'm in a full fledged panic attack just reading this post. Years of therapy and copious amounts of tranquilizers it took to get me into the chair, even when I finally found a dentist I loved.
Then he died and I'm having to start the process of finding one that doesn't terrify me all over again. Life can so cruel sometimes...
Hell raised by Libby on September 2, 2006 09:07 AM
... the internet is littered with heartbreaking tales... and a particularly sad story was brought to my attention yesterday by my ole buddy Matt.... Here it is....
.. if you can find it in your heart to bid on the poor man's crossbow, I would consider it a personal favor...
... having your entire family and peer-group massacred by ninjas is a hard blow to endure... even for a pirate...
..... last evening, in a fit of alcohol-induced abandon, I feasted upon the evil Domino chicken kickers again...
.. and as I have mentionedbefore, I now sit here with fearful rumblings and odors emanating from my bloated midsection...
... woe, people.... woe betide the foolish man who feeds himself recklessly....
... oops... there was another odor-release... good God....
... I know the time is coming to evacuate, gentle reader.... It is drawing nigh - I can feel it... and yet never have I felt such a complete wash of dread passing over me...
... there will be wailing... and probably some teeth-gnashing.... I will sit and wring my hands.... and stare towards heaven with a strained and sweaty brow... woe... it is in my future and it is unavoidable....
... I should have known better.... but remember me fondly if I succumb to the event... and know that each and every one of you held a happy place in my heart....
Try hummus with hot peppers...or perhaps some grilled jalapeños stuffed with garlic and Havarti cheese. We're talking malodorous emissions, followed by a case of ringburn that will have you screaming for the fire department.
The stuff Great Blogging is made of, alas. For it is both the shame and the pride of the bloggy-sphere that such topics are rendered into poetry...
Hell raised by Elisson on August 25, 2006 08:55 AM
I feel your pain, brother Eric, because I've lived it. Fear the what-a-chicken, as well, for it will always betray you.
Hell raised by trouble on August 25, 2006 09:04 AM
We are in harmony. For some reason, I thought it was a good idea to eat minced garlic out the jar last night.
Hell raised by Raging Mom on August 25, 2006 09:31 AM
Your crap blogging is real purty...
Hell raised by Lisa W. on August 25, 2006 10:07 AM
Oh, you're off alright! ;-)
And do yourself a favor - do NOT utter the words "Never Again".
You'll just be settin' yourself up for disappointment.
You better stay close to a head, when that MSG kicks in, you will be shitting you guts out.
Hell raised by Catfish on August 25, 2006 04:11 PM
ROTFLMFAO. That's great. Thanks for the images.
As for my self, never a problem. Gorged myself with cheap pizza covered with jalepenos this eve. Look forward to the morning with confidence. The wife however will be found sitting in the creek about 5:30 in the am.
Hell raised by K. D. Zu on August 25, 2006 06:09 PM
Hell raised by Jim - PRS on August 26, 2006 03:45 AM
Writing material must be hard to find these days...you're discussing butt burn and Ellison is writing about vomiting...and Catfish is always writing about...well, you know what he writes about...
I can calculate the time of my void by the ever-increasing foulity of my gas. Almost to the minute. By the time I'm three minutes from evacuation those things are like sarin attacks. Only stinkier.
Hell raised by velociman on August 26, 2006 12:06 PM
hahahaha I still laugh everytime I read this. Nice writing!
... I am king of the kitchen here in my humble habitat.... I cook 99% of all the meals served... and I'm a pretty dab-hand at it too - even if I do say so myself...
.. but my peeviest of pets - when it comes to My Domain - is seeing the sink dirtied...
... it spins me up like you cannot imagine.... verily, of all the blights to hit a kitchen, I hate dirty sinks the most... you show me a person who has a dirty sink, and I'll show you a complete reprobate... there really is no excuse... I mean, when you are at a sink you are surrounded with scrubbing brushes, rags, and cleaning liquid.... AND water....
... look, a sink and wash basin are a great social yardstick... waltz into someone's castle and spy a pile of dirty dishes cluttering the sink?... a rascal may be found lurking somewhere nearby... probably eating potato chips..
... sure, sure.. I know that there are times when other duties drag you away from the piled dishes... and that is only natural... hey, people get busy.. I can hang.... I understand.... but visiting someone who has dishes from a meal two days ago languishing in crusty, abandoned purgatory is just plain disgusting... and hey, after two days?... I'm sorry to report this to you, but you are a comprehensive degenerate... and desperately need to be dragged off and shot.... multiple times..
... personally, I'd rather see a steaming pile of fresh shit on the rug than a dirty sink... because, well, you aren't going to be eating off the rug... but you use that sink to prepare you meals!...
... a clean, sparkling sink is a sign of a pure heart, children.. and hey, I may not vacuum worth a damn, but by God, my sink is clean....
Funny you should mention that... I'm weird about the kitchen, almost psycho. Some people can't go to work without making their bed, or tidying up the living room... but me? I cannot leave the house knowing the kitchen is dirty. It would bug me all day.
Hell raised by Alaska Kim on August 22, 2006 05:46 PM
I must confess... I was a member of the 2 day club. I would let dishes languish in a sink full of water until new breeds of critters would emerge from the protoplasmic ooze. The bathroom was no Shangri-La, either. Ah, youth.
Now, Clorox and Lysol are my friends and boon companions. I think all that hippie-length hair I used to have was draining my innate cleaning abilities. Once it all got cut off in the mid-90's, the general squalor receded. I got a better job, too. Funny how that works...
Hell raised by El Capitan on August 22, 2006 06:27 PM
I'll have you know, mister, that I *don't* eat potato chips!!
And stop looking at my sink!
(*wink!*)
Hell raised by DogsDontPurr on August 22, 2006 06:32 PM
Two day club?
Heh ... not that I'm boasting or anything, 'cause I'm rather ashamed of it, but I'm a long-standing member of the two-month club ...
And yes, I do wish someone would drag me off and shoot me multiple times, if only because I wouldn't have to do another dish for as long as I live.
I hate 'em.
I'd pay someone to do them for me ... in fact, I'd clean their entire three-story home in exchange for them doing my dishes.
Yay! Another sink freak like me!!! We could start a club. I am really anal about cleaning my kitchen sink with cleanser and fresh rag EVERY DAY and I'm super crazy about changing the dishcloths (up to 3x a day depending on kitchen activity levels). I'm not a crazy clean freak but I am picky about that...VERY picky! Shoes & kitchen sinks - we've got at least two things in common!
Hell raised by Lisa W. on August 22, 2006 07:31 PM
Hell raised by That 1 Guy on August 22, 2006 09:32 PM
I don't have 2 day old dishes, my dishes do get put away continually all day, but for some reason, my sink doesn't get cleaned unless its night and I'm doing the end clean up for the evening. My kitchen is clean every night before I go to bed... but during the day? Eh, hit or miss.
I think that puts me in that reprobate area of which you speak.
Our kitchen is spotless except over weekends when our domestic help does not work.
Living here means that I can honestly say that I have not washed dishes in 20 or more years.
Hell raised by keeskennis on August 23, 2006 03:52 AM
speaking from the point of veiw of someone who's dishwasher is currently dead....for one week...
ughhh..
I loathe ANY dirty dish in the sink, it will drive me crazy. Eat wash done...
My sink is clean at 2 points of the day...I mean it is never filthy, but I shine her up 2 times a day.
I cannot relax unless I know my kitchen is clean and dishes are done and put away...
... good God.... the world's luckiest man is alive and well in India....
... sure, I know that humans mutate from time to time... and that we are all continually evolving.... but wow... I wonder which one he'll have cut off?.... t'were it me, well, I can't say I'd part with either of them.....
... I'm off to town to buy some nachos.... holy shit, people... what a strange and interesting world we live in.... wow....
Ummm... the one that doesn't work? After all if you end up with an extra of something - generally one of them is "for show" and is mostly nonfunctional. I would think it would get in the way more than anything... *grin*
I wonder if the guy knew he was going to become international news because of this... I hope he gets some compensation for all the jokes being created at his expense.
good God indeed! Your site goes from the sweet to the strange and onto the surreal all in under a minute. Many you are fast!
Hell raised by Michele on August 22, 2006 01:47 PM
... Elisson, hell, I'd pay good money to see that...
... Rave, that may be... but in his case, it is also normal...
... AWTM... a pain in the ass, indeed...
... Michele... I try to keep you guys from getting complacent.. and honestly, would you really think I could pass up a story about a guy with two dicks?!... I'm not that strong...
I have always heard of a man being luckier than a dog with two dicks and both of them hard but never heard of a man with two dicks and both of them hard. My question is why does he want to get rid of one of them if both of them work?
I wonder if he's married...imagine cleaning up around the bottom of the toilet when there's a hair across BOTH of them first thing in the morning??? UGH!!!!!!!!!!!
Of course, there *could* be an upside...or two...
Hell raised by Lisa W. on August 22, 2006 07:39 PM
Just think of the Porn applications. I'm just thinking of dual hummers.
Hell raised by Contagion on August 22, 2006 07:43 PM
shocked...Bou
not shcoked...Contagion who has a definate thing for the arts..
My, what you miss when you miss the blogs for a couple of days. In contemplating the, um, entertainment value of this phenomenon, I'm thinking it depend on the placement. I mean are they side by side or stacked on top of each other? It would make a difference.
But the guy's plight raises other questions in my mind. If he impregnated a woman with two different units at the same time, would they be twins? And what if he wanted to play sports? Two athletic cups or one extra large?
AWTM I think hit upon the great benefits to females with certain inclinations. This guy would have some girls DYING for a date. No need to settle for fingers or a plastic pal for simultaneous sensory stimulation.
I'm wondering if four nuts and two separate orgasms are a part of the unlucky guy's affliction. Poor suffering bastard.
The comments are even better than the article! LOL!
I found myself wondering what would happen if he took the magic little blue pills.
I tried to use the brand name for the magic little blue pills, but your comment filter thought the V word was questionable content! LOL!!!! That filter would keel over if I had it at my site!!!
... a minor emergency with my sainted Mother belayed the chili consumption for a while last night.... a drop in her blood sugar resulted in a late-evening ride over to her house for a few supervised glasses of orange juice... all was well after a while, and as I left to head home I was afforded a new experience....
.... driving at night with the top down...
... in a word?... Wow... driving through the warm, dark air was amazing.... the feeling is completely different than the one you get from driving the convertible during the day.... it was like being naughty, almost - the feeling.... places at night take on a different aura, I guess.... and as you quietly round those country road corners, you just feel... well, wonderful.... like every new curve is a place you have never been before...
... anyway, I just delivered my Mother back home... we had a standing lunch engagement from a week or so previous, and today I paid the bill.... I grilled three pounds of boneless pork ribs, baked some beans, and tossed a salad.... she brought over a dozen or so deviled eggs... and a mighty feast was enjoyed... and just as I pulled the perfectly-sizzled ribs off of the grill, a thunderstorm struck... so we sat at the kitchen table dining on some exquisite grub while lightning flashed and thunder rolled....
... all in all, not a bad way to spend a Sunday afternoon.... and I really, really, really can't wait to drive at night with the top down again....
You may already know this, but honey works much better and faster in cases of low blood sugar. My boyfriend has Type 1 diabetes, and sometimes gets some extreme lows. A couple of spoonfuls of honey usually brings him back up pretty quickly (depending on how low he is). With orange juice, he usually has to drink a large quantity, and it often doesn't work as well (and it has more calories). So we always have honey on hand. We even keep some in the car. (You can usually find little honey packets at places that serve coffee, so we grab a few to keep with us.)
>/public service announcement
Hell raised by DogsDontPurr on August 20, 2006 09:27 PM
Drivin' at night with an open air view of the stars, and a feel of the breeze is an awesome thing. I never had a convertible but I did have t-tops. Probably not exactly the same, but close... Don't look up too long. You'll get amazed by the stars, and the sky at night. Keep your eyes on the road bro... As they say, if you're lookin' at the road at night with the top down, "Drive it like you stole it"...
Enjoy it man.
Hell raised by RedNeck on August 20, 2006 10:02 PM
Tolja about the top down at night thing...ain't it grand?
I dunno if the rain out your way was as perfect as it was on my side of the mountain, but if it was, it woulda been a perfect day for ribs and stories.
I gotta try that top down at night thing, sound great.
I have not had a ragtop since I blew my reenlistment bonus on a down payment on a 1964 V8 Falcon Futura Convertable. What a beauty t was. White with REAL red leather upholstry that would blister your butt on a hot summer day when you crawled in all wet from the beach. I learned that it was better to put that ragtop up during the day and down at night..except for a few bugs whipping just right over the windshield
When my husband had a motorcycle we would take some summer night rides and it is nice. I think it's that all the smells are more pungent. You knew when you passed some honeysuckle; the creek bottoms had their cooler, damp smell. And you knew when you passed a house where they were smoking pot!
... something weird is going on... the scar from the knife wound on my left arm has begun to itch two or three times a day..... and if I rub it, I can feel my middle and ring fingers flex a bit as the tendons respond to the pressure.... it's strange..
... it's closing in on two years since I got cut.... and all this time, the five inch scar has given me no trouble at all... and now it is starting to itch.... weird....
... anyhoo, I'm off to drink coffee on the patio and watch the Missus swing in her hammock.... enjoy your Saturday, boys and girls!... play nice and don't feed the animals!....
Hmmm...time to search the archives for the origin of the scar...were you and Elisson playing with the weapons again? You know what ma always says "you'll put your eye out!"
Hell raised by Lisa W. on August 19, 2006 02:11 PM
Cool - went to try and find you some info on scars/itching and just for the heck of it typed in www.scars.com - try it, looks like something you'd like!
Hell raised by Lisa W. on August 19, 2006 02:18 PM
It's the after Juju from the super glue. Of course, you already know that...
... BREAKING NEWS!... I just heard on Fox that Barry Manilow has had to cancel a bunch of his shows in Vegas because he has torn the cartilage in both hips...
... I immediately thought, "huh?.... what has that bad, bad boy been up to?"... I wonder if it is true what they say about the size of someone's nose in relation to other parts....
... scratch that, I don't want to know.... but both hips??... wow... that must have been one helluva session....
Les' see 950 divided by 19 = 50 times per year = once a week with 2 weeks off for vacation. Damn, Damn, Damn. I knew I was getting the short end of this deal. I'm going to move to Akron. Where do you find these women?
Hell raised by K. D. Zu on August 13, 2006 01:31 PM
Shhh, its a secret, but its reversed in this household. It's how my husband afforded his Audi...
... I was dragged all around town yesterday in search of a new pair of swimming trunks... evidently the old Umbro soccer shorts I normally swim in are deemed unseemly at certain angles... especially when not actually in the water, but sitting sprawled on a comfy chair beside the pool.. anyway, I was asked - ever so gently - to find myself a pair that had some sort of integrated internal knickers...
... finally finding a suitable pair at the fifth shop I entered, I'm now confident that all bathers far and near shall be spared the accidental injury of glimpsing The Boys as I sip my Gatorade by the local swimming hole...
... there was one thing of interest in my search yesterday though... namely that I laid eyes on a young woman who was a complete work of art.... Sapphire blue eyes that were wide and confident and seemed to pierce your soul when you fell under her gaze... bronze, flawless skin... and long, dark hair that slightly curled - pulled back in a ponytail and tied with a red ribbon... a small, straight Caucasian nose... pink lips.... And not a hint of make-up on her mannequin-like body...
... I entered the shop and approached the counter she stood behind; she smiled sweetly, tilted her head inquisitively, and asked if she could help me.
... the Wife and I inquired about swimming gear to no avail... they had sold out... so in less than 30 seconds, we had turned and were outside walking towards the car...
... I bumped the button to unlock the car, and the wife spoke. "What a striking young woman that was.. did you see how blue her eyes were?".... "uh huh.... And her skin and hair were so dark... an incredibly odd combination.... " ....
... "I know.. but her face gave away no hint of ethnicity... she didn't look Italian, Eastern, or Hispanic.." ...
... "do you think it was a tan?"...
.... "no, I think that is her natural skin.." ...
.... "well, she certainly is unique... I've never seen ANYONE who looked like that before.. "...
... ".. me neither... she reminded me of Halle Berry in that X-men movie.. the one where she has perfect brown skin and those crazy eyes "....
... "heh heh... perhaps she's a mutant then?"...
... "I wouldn't doubt it one bit... it's just not natural for a woman to be that beautiful right out of the box... "....
.... ".. we're all created differently, that's for sure... but beauty is subjective, isn't it?.. " ....
... buckling her seatbelt, the Wife flashed me a grin and punched me in the arm... "you totally missed that, didn't you?...
... "OW!... what?"...
... ".. Men... wow... that stuff doesn't even register to you, does it?... see, you were supposed to tell me that I was prettier than her.. "..
... " ... you know you are... " ...
... "nope... nope... too late now, buddy.. just drive, big guy... " ...
... and with that, we pulled out onto the road and continued our search for the elusive swimming costumes.... I wonder if the helpful clerk in that shop realizes that innocent husbands are being punched because of her...
Why oh Why can't men learn that when talking about such things they should throw in a "your much better than her" compliment to assuage there little lady.
Talk about brownie points.
Hell raised by Quality Weenie on August 12, 2006 09:34 AM
Hell raised by Catfish on August 12, 2006 05:38 PM
i like the phrase "integrated internal knickers ..." that's exactly what they are!
as for the woman ... i made s swear that he'd rather hang out with me than with jessica alba ... i realize it was a stretch...but he said it with a straight face ...so i was happy. i'm sure his fingers were crossed behind his back. but still.
Hell raised by justrose on August 12, 2006 05:52 PM
I totally need the directions to that shop. Can't be more than a 5 to 7 hr drive. No sweat.
Hell raised by K. D. Zu on August 12, 2006 06:21 PM
The last time I went swimming, it was the middle of the day. It was pouring rain. It was in a pond. I was at a weekend party.
I shed all my threads and jumped in the water.
To hell with the trunks.
Hell raised by Erin O'Brien on August 12, 2006 07:09 PM
I'm with Erin, I figured bathin' suits were illegal in Tenn. You and the misses ought to be skinny dippin' anyway. No, I don't have any desire whatsoever to see a peek of you alabaster hiney... Skinnydip in private brother.
Hell raised by RedNeck on August 12, 2006 09:43 PM
You, my boy, were treading in a veritable minefield. It's OK to compliment another woman in the presence of the Spouse, as long as you make it clear that the Spouse has your full attention. But it's dangerous territory, right up there with "Does this dress make my ass look fat?" Hesitate one millisecond, and you are Certified Dead Meat.
As for Halle Berry, the Missus and I have a pact that if the opportunity comes along, we'll both do her. Heh.
And I'm glad you decided to shelter the Boys. You know, they tell me that that becomes a more difficult task as one gets older...
Hell raised by Elisson on August 13, 2006 06:47 AM
Dude, you should start writing erotic fiction for the laydees with prose like that
... drove into town this afternoon after a vigorous workout, and settled in at the local Chinese eatery to quell the beast.... I had skipped breakfast owing to an early-morning appointment at the dentist, and I was hungry..
... I ordered off of their buffet and ate my fill... noodles, fried rice, honey glazed chicken, sweet and sour chicken, a few spring rolls and a crab triangle-type thing stuffed with cream cheese... it was regal.... all topped off with a sweet iced-tea...
... by the time I arrived home, I was down for the count... I could hardly keep my eyes open... so I power-napped on the suede couch in the blogroom for a few hours...
.. now I'm up and my original plans for grilling ribs have been switched to tomorrow... but what gives about lunch?... did I slam my body with too many carbs and sugars because I missed breakfast and had lunch at 1:30?.... or is this a Chinese conspiracy to further lethargicize the population of America?.... the sign outside said "No MSG"... but who can you believe these days?...
.. come to think of it, the chicken tasted exactly like chicken... so, wow... it could have been any number of unknown varmints that I was chowing down on...
... up early here, folks... and I'm off to town to get a sensor replaced on the Wife's ride.... But I'm a very bleary-eyed camper today...
... I woke up at 4am drenched in sweat from a horrible nightmare.. I had been a fly on the wall while a rampaging Kevin Spacey ripped the heads off of live kittens and hurled their blood-squirting corpses at a public restroom stall...
... his bellowing - mixed with the gurgled mewlings of the poor kitties - is still fresh in my brain...
... and twice during the morning's shower, I ripped back the curtain fearing a replay of the shower scene in "Psycho"..
.... I think my new vitamins are making me a bit paranoid....
those types of vitamins *cough*, can cause some problems, be careful driving, you may think DW's drive is a space ship or a giant skateboard. Also do not cook while taking said vitamins *cough*, pasta can turn into worms.
Next thing we know you will be listening to Pink Floyd...
.... The rope that I braided a few weeks ago is being put to very good use... and I could not be more happy with the primitive results.... Indeed, my plans for complete hillbillification of the European Missus continue at pace...
... it has not all gone according to schedule though... the occasional hiccups have happened, of course... but there always are hiccups when one attempts such sweeping societal changes such as this... but I fight each battle in a new and cunning way.... for instance, she continues to loathe pinto beans & diced onions.. and will not touch a pone of cornbread were her very life to depend upon it... but I HAVE managed to force skillet-fried okra and yellow squash down her neck often enough that she now actually asks for it every-so-often... so, as you can see, we are halfway down the gnarly path already....
... but I cannot express fully enough the great feeling of pride I have this afternoon...mercy.... It all happened when, quite accidentally, I chanced to look out the glass dining room door and see my Scottish Lass reclining in the hammock.... absolutely replete.... fluffy cat curled at her sprawled knee while she swayed... tumbler of Merlot sitting just within rocking-reach on the grassy ground... book turned just-so... angled perfectly to allow her to scan the sunlit pages through her Jacqueline Onassis replica sunglasses..... all the while wearing a wonderfully politically incorrect tee-shirt.... Braless... with one arm cast back over her shoulder grasping the braided, twine line... rocking herself in complete redneck bliss...
.... Culture?... I got your culture right here, boys and girls.... John friggin Updike being read - midsummer - by a chick in her first halter-top.... Honestly, you can't make this shit up.... Sunday evenings... wow... you just never know what you'll get.....
Hell raised by Richmond on August 6, 2006 06:47 PM
Back at 'ya Eric. I'll take dull over irritating any day! That scene you described sounds great!
BTW, don't forget my World Famous CaptainSQL Project Manager Motivational Seminar, at one of the parks near me. Selected project managers will be encouraged to get in touch with their nature by donning native buckskin and antlers during their overnighters in the woods. Starts this fall, simlultaneous to deer season.
... ok... I am a charitable guy... on a monthly basis, I give various amounts of cash to any number of organizations... from soup kitchens in Chattanooga.. to the USO, paralyzed veterans, cystic fibrosis, cancer, diabetes, etc, etc.... and any number of other maladies...
... and the easiest way for a charity to part me from my money is to make me feel The Love... sending me a great, heaping wad of personalized address labels as an incentive gets old after the first time... see, lookit... when you send me a sheet of a THOUSAND labels with my name on it, don't expect me to give you another 25 bucks NEXT MONTH when you send me another THOUSAND labels... why?... because I still have 995 LEFT OVER from LAST MONTH!...
.. pisses me off... and I don't want your stinking calendars either... or your little note pads with my address on the bottom of each page... I'd much rather you just send me a one-line note saying "Please, sir, may I have some more money?".... with a REAL signature at the bottom..
.. you want my money?... fine... like I said once before, do it like those Indians out in Montana... I send them 25 bucks and they send me some .50 cent handmade trinket... and I LOVE IT... hell, just last week they sent me a friggin blanket that Sitting Bull himself would have been proud to park his behind on... and the same goes for the religious charities and soup kitchens I give cash to... at least I get a monthly newsletter from Friar So-and-so who has an incredible sense of humor when he's talking about how much the winos just loved last week's chicken tenders that my money paid for...
... treat me like I OWE you money when begging for charity, and guess what?... you ain't getting anything from me... bite me... and sending me things to try to throw a guilt-trip on me?... fuck you... I've got enough homegrown guilt to do me already...
.. and today - just this very day, MADD sent me a pleading letter and a cheque for $2.50... and you know what?... I'm gonna cash it... and then send it to those Indians...
I don't give money to any charity that ain't local and transparent in their spending. I'm with you dude...if they've money to give away eight billion labels no one uses...they don't need my money.
Hell raised by Rantin' Ron on August 3, 2006 06:27 PM
Eric,
You just spell like a Canadian. Don't be ashamed, embrace it!
But there's no charity nearly as important as ensuring that my good friend Dr. Reverend get the entire Frank Zappa catalogue. Indeed, few things in life itself can top that.
You can read more here. http://www.mrbloodydiapers.blogspot.com/2006_08_01_mrbloodydiapers_archive.html#115460871310752783
Hell raised by skippystalin on August 3, 2006 06:41 PM
I give to one charity only - the one that directly affects my life - the CHARGE Syndrome Foundation...other than that, when they call, I just play with them, the best way to turn them off is to start asking how YOU can access the money they collect, etc...they hate that! It's nice to see cheque spelled correctly, too.
I reckon there are some good charities but I also reckon the percentage is low. When I donate it is usually to the DAV, of which I am a lifetime member but still get the solicitations about every week, or to the Starvation Army ..which I don't belong to but uses more of the money for public works than any of the other charities.
Speaking of those stupid address labels, the quickest way to piss me off is sending the labels with one of my names spelled wrong.
I know which magazines spell my names which way, so that just tells me where the hell you got my name from.
You want money from me but you can't even take the time to get my names right? Ya right
Hell raised by Quality Weenie on August 4, 2006 01:34 PM
I forgot....I also contribute to "Drunks Against Mad Mothers". MADD has ruined the good old American past time of drunk driving. It used to me a man could really test his limits...the bitches!
Hell raised by Rantin' Ron on August 4, 2006 04:15 PM
... when my husband and I would get the little free address labels we could never use them. Why? Because they would spell our name or address wrong on them every time! LOL.
... while grilling up the burgers last night, I noticed that the tires on the Wife's ride were looking a bit worn down.... and upon further inspection, it was clear to see that they desperately needed replacing... front AND back...
.. so as I walk into the house with the chow, I holler through from the kitchen... "hey, babe!... did you know your tires are shot?... what is the mileage on the Caddy?"...
... "what?", says she... "Cary needs new shoes?"... (.. yeah... she named her car Cary... after Cary Grant..) .. "Ummm... I think I've done about 8,000 miles, I think.. "...
... I nearly had an embolism.... jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick, people... 8,000 miles and she wears out a set of tires... it just boggles the mind....
... so today I drive her buggy up to the dealership to get them to do the "once over"... I mean, that's only natural, right?... 8K and her tires are bare, well, something must be out of alignment or broken or some other shit... right?...
... the Service Man duly walks out and rubs the tires thoughtfully for a few minutes... nope... nothing wrong with the alignment...
... "all is well, Mr. Eric", he chirped... "everything is as it should be, but the tires are just worn out.. beautiful car though, isn't it?.. you must really drive her HARD to have smoothed her tires like this in just eight thousand miles.. "
... ".. indeed, it is a beautiful car.... but first off, it isn't a she'... it's a he'... and secondly, it is my little Wife who rags this dude out"...
... the look of sheer amazement that crossed his face was incredible... his jaw even slackened just a tiny bit....
.... I looked back towards Cary, and continued... "so... how much to order a new set of tires and get it all fixed up?"...
... composing himself from the idea that a 40-year old woman had been manhandling one of the fastest cars in the county, he spoke...
.... "just have a seat inside, Mr. Eric.... I'll run the numbers for you.. "....
... half an hour later I dropped the Wife's car back off to her and told her the damage.. and people, it ain't pretty.... It ain't pretty at all...
... but it had to be done... so Friday morning I skip off to the dealership for an oil change, detailing service, and four new tires...
... I can hardly wait to hear how the technicians react to the Spongebob floor mats and the ceramic hula-man on the dashboard....
... and the "welcome screen" on her navigation system?... "Fiona's ZOOM ZOOM".... I shit you not...
Sounds like your wife and mine are kindred spirits. I live in the NC mountains and when I'M driving she gets "car sick" if I take a curve at 30mph yet when SHE'S driving she'll take the SAME freakin' curve at 50!
She goes through a set of tires twice as fast as me.
I tried to comment on your previous post but it wouldn't allow to do so. Some spammer stuff I guess but, I'm with you dude....Don't EVER fuck with MY Mama! Go get those Yankee pricks.
Hell raised by Ron Doble on August 2, 2006 01:46 PM
Tell your rockin wife that I can get her a cowboy hat to hang from the rearview mirror if she likes ... I love mine
Hell raised by Princess Cat on August 2, 2006 02:32 PM
I wish mine would only wear out the tires. She usually wears out the car before the tires have gone bad.
Hell raised by Contagion on August 2, 2006 05:06 PM
8,000 miles on a set of tires??
Get that lovely bride of yours a gig with NASCAR!
Hell raised by Jim - PRS on August 2, 2006 06:11 PM
What kind of tires wore out at 8,000 miles and there was nothing wrong with the alignment? I want to be sure I don't buy any of them.
Seems to me it would be a self correcting situation. Once she knows how much it costs for her to smooth out her tires in 8000 miles, she can either prepare herself for this bill on that time schedule... or be nicer to Cary and the tires. *grin*
Learning to drive in Angus does that to a car's tyres - flooring a Citroen AX on the Montrose-Brechin straight just to see if you can reach 110mph, or doing the same outside RAF Edzell to see if you can get airborne - 8,000 miles from a set of tyres is good going!
... you know, you would think that someone who had been born and bred in The South would know better than to grill cheese burgers when the mercury reads 97 and the heat-index approaches 107.... Yeah, you'd think the idiot would know better....
... and no, I'm not talking about my neighbor.....
... I cracked open the seal on the garage tonight and treated my dear, Sainted Mother to a meal of freshly grilled burgers, tossed salad, baked beans, and ice cream with mango nectar poured over the top.... She seemed to enjoy it.... even though when I was finished manning the grill I looked like I'd taken the Nestea Plunge in a vat of sweat...
... be that as it may, serious things were set afoot during the after-dinner conversation..... namely, well, that her new neighbors (recently moved in from the wilds of Michigan) are going to soon be receiving a serious attitude adjustment from little ole me....
.. it is going to be bad, I tell you truly.... the vile head of Intimidation is being unveiled in my Momma's neighborhood... a neighborhood where I was brought up... a small stretch of road that I watched my Mother and Father civilize over the course of thirty years.....
... and people, this will not fucking stand.. no, Sir.... not at all... some people see my Mother and see a widow... other see her as a middle-aged woman living alone on more land than she can handle.... what they do not see is that, while she is a Southern Woman in the highest sense, she is also a Mother, Aunt, and Sister of some people who are capable of some bad, bad things when provoked....
... I don't know how they grow people in Michigan, but here in Tennessee, well, you just don't act like that.... not without serious consequences....
... so the next few weeks will be interesting to witness, I am sure.... I have a plan... but the more I let my mind ponder upon it, the more I want to ditch the plan and start doing things more forthrightly.... yea, there will be fences built.. farm animals will die.... roaming pets (which in the past were left to roam freely) will be shown the way to Allah.... and some Michiganders are about to find out what a hillbilly is capable of.... and ALL within the law of the county..... God, I love living in the sticks sometimes.....
... it does not pay to fuck with my Mother... especially when her Son lives two miles away.... and I have a lot of numbers in my little black book....
... I am a very nice guy... but if you want a piece, you shall have it...
Please. You know better than to make bouillabaisse, go to all the trouble of serving the chilled repast to your northern friends, yet talk about the treat to all and sundry.
You know well that such tasty repasts are best served cold.
Bob
Hell raised by Bob Baird on August 2, 2006 01:24 AM
The neighbours obviously haven't read the bit that said, "former US Marine"!!! That's the sort of situation we see in those imported movies from the former colonies.
If they are acting like that they sure in the hell were not raised in Michigan.
We Michganders were raised with manners and civility. Well of course unless they were raised in Detroit, then that is another matter all together.
Hell raised by Quality Weenie on August 2, 2006 11:38 AM
Oh good lord... They have no idea the can of whoopass they have opened. No pity from me, though. None at all...
Hell raised by Richmond on August 2, 2006 01:02 PM
Yow! I currently live in Michigan and I can tell you that some of the individuals who reside here could use a good severe kick up the proverbial ass. I am smiling as I imagine you taking care of business. This Oklahoma girl is rooting for the Marine for life (no, Marines do not retire, they just refocus on other things!) Oh yeah, my Dad is a Marine ~
As a northerner I hope you give those idiots at least 1 tiny chance to redeem themselves. After all, we northerners don't really immediately know southern ways. I learned that the hard way when living in Virginia and working in DC. I must've offended at least 1 southerner per week. But I learned. Think of them as stupid immigrants that don't know any better. I think it's better to educate your neighbors first then let them have a little taste of your southern ire.
Talking is good for 2 reasons. You explains things nice-like, it's also a scouting mission. If after they don't behave nice, you have enough information on their weaknesses to extract your revenge. Heh, heh, heh!
I have to agree with Quality Weenie. We have plenty of ass hats in most every state - it's not just Michigan. But Detroit area - that might explain it. And some of the folks from the Auto industry - not sure the large SUVs they build can haul their egos. So... Please do not hold it against us in MI that you have had the misfortune of experience our dregs.
And all that said, I pity the idiot - you will clean up, and rightly so!
I guess we're not going to get any details on how this little imbroglio works itself out until the statute of limitations is passed, right? I'll wait.
Hell raised by John Climacus on August 3, 2006 01:01 AM
...good fences make good neighbors...
Hey I hope you have a .22-250, it would be most fun to elimnate michi-pets.
I know a guy (whose wife loved cats the sickos) that actually made a spot remover using a modified Ruger (.22 with machined silencer). Crazy fuk'r actually shot any dog that wondered onto his property.
-lco
Hell raised by Lance Osborne on August 4, 2006 08:09 AM
.. it's just fun, fun, fun here at on The Compound today... and boys and girls, I sure wish y'all were here to help.... but what is it that keeps your intrepid, fearless host slavishly busy, you ask?...
... nay, gentle reader... a thousand times, nay.... ask not.. for the response is much too horrific... much too fiendish.... and this hellish existence of mine continues to pump forth devilish task after devilish task... yea, verily.... for is it not written that it is unto the mighty to bear the greatest of tribulations?... as Wizards in fairytales suffered the ugliest of evils so that they may emerge whiter at the end of the trial?.. thus, we must bravely soldier forth in search of our own fiery redemption?....
... but the good news is that I'm making chicken parmesan for tonight's dinner... and that's gonna rock...
... some days you just have to find the silver linings....
Yep just loafing can really tire me out too. Sometimes I have to write about it just for something to do. But why are you goona put rocks in the yardbird parmesan? Better question, why are you gonna mess up good cheese with yardbird?
I was talking to this real pretty girl from Brooklyn the other day and she allowed that she was gonna be meeting up with you and Elisson this week..I hope that yard bird is Kosher
Off Topic but check out the latest news on bagpipers and the British army
The Times July 24, 2006
Army's bagpipers and drummers must play safe and use earplugs
Army bagpipers are to wear earplugs because of fears that the military might be sued by soldiers who claim that their hearing has been damaged by excessive noise. Pipers are also to be banned from practising for more than 24 minutes a day outside, and 15 minutes indoors.
The pipes are famous for terrifying the enemy, but new army guidelines, based on a study carried out by the Army Medical Directorate Environmental Health Team, say that pipers should wear earplugs to protect themselves from hearing loss. The guidelines also apply to drummers.
Piping experts and military veterans have criticised the rules as typical of the health and safety culture of today’s “cotton wool Army”. However, a spokeswoman for the Army in Scotland said the new rules showed that it was serious about protecting soldiers.
The Armed Forces lost their traditional exemption from health and safety legislation in 2000, although that does not apply when the forces are on active service.
... goodness..... the storm that charged through last night has done a bit of pruning for me.... the tops of two dogwoods have been completely ravaged... and the patio umbrella (which I forgot to reel down and close) resembles one of Wile E. Coyote's parasols after a nuclear explosion...
... today has been the type of day that just hangs.. it's almost as if the sky is pregnant with a soon-arriving thunderstorm but the weather refuses to breech... hell, it's almost depressing... no blue in the heavens and no clouds either... just a white-grey haze and oppressive humidity... even the mosquitoes are too lethargic to bite....
... on days like this, it is impossible to get excited.. not even about beer... the wishy-washy weather has created a lackadaisical day... decisions remain empty... and focus is hard to find.... and much like a shot-up B-29 over Berlin, attitude is hard to maintain....
.. and on top of everything else, I had a salad for dinner... that's right... no roast beef and gravy for me... no heaping tureen of mac and cheese sitting steaming on the stove.... a damn salad.... filled with green, leafy, heart-healthy vegetables...
... and nothing wilts my spirits quicker than a salad as a main meal...
... I can now fully sympathize with the parched and crumpled leaves on the dogwoods outside.... they look just about like how I feel... limp.. barren, even.... and more than just a little bit dejected...
... dammit, I sure wish it would rain tonight.....
... I had to say farewell to my old Audi friend today... I'd known him since 2003... he was a great pal, and he'll be truly missed.... his name was Doug and we'd shared many, many fine moments... moments that I'll long continue to remember with a smile...
... but today I had to pass ole Doug along to greener pastures... let him rest and be buffed and prepared gently for a pre-owned Audi parking lot somewhere in the southeast... so with great sadness, I tell you all that he is no longer with me.... he is gone... my little, quick, handsome silver companion is away....
.. and in a way, I am quite sad... I really am going to miss him greatly.....
... however, having said that, his replacement whispered sweet nothings in my ear all the way back from Knoxville... and guys, her voice is as sweet as honey..... her name is Sylvia... and she has the whitest, smoothest, most perfect skin...
... and so far, well, I'm not letting the fact that she likes to go topless once in a while bother me too much... after all, it takes time to truly bond with a vehicle... and she and I are just now getting to know each other.... Me and Sylvia, people... I think we're going to hit it off just fine....
... you know, I really never thought I'd ever own a convertible... mercy... wonders never cease...
Better wear sunscreen cause I hear you readheads burn easily. Oh yeah, don't be one of those weirdos that rides around with the top down and the windows up.
... I'm searching for some kind of hat, Ironnerd... perhaps a helmet...
... sorry, Bou... I never named him while he was with me... I feared he'd rebel.. but when I handed the keys to the attendant, it just slipped out... "take good care of Doug, man... he's been good to me.." ....
.. honestly?... I didn't even know that was his name until this afternoon....
Geez Eric. The car looked and smelled like it was brand new. It was the ticket wasn't it? You blamed the car for your first traffic ticket and that's why you had to get rid of it.
seems to me if there is some adage that could be paraphrased for this.' when I was young I thought as a youth and drove a ragtop, But now I drive a pickup.' or something like that. The biggest problem with ragtops is that you gotta hold on to your toupee. Now that is hard to do when you already have a beer in one hand and sweetthing in the other and are trying to steer with the knees.
seems to me if there is some adage that could be paraphrased for this.' when I was young I thought as a youth and drove a ragtop, But now I drive a pickup.' or something like that. The biggest problem with ragtops is that you gotta hold on to your toupee. Now that is hard to do when you already have a beer in one hand and sweetthing in the other and are trying to stear with the knees.
Trust me. Once ya go topless, you'll never go back.
In the fall when it's sorta cool out, put Sylvia's top down, turn on her heat and go for a nighttime drive. It's heaaaaaaven.
Trust me. Once ya go topless, you'll never go back.
In the fall when it's sorta cool out, put Sylvia's (she's gorgeous, btw) top down, turn on her heat and go for a nighttime drive. It's heaaaaaaven.
... wow... speaking of "reactions" in the last post, I couldn't help but feel the pain of this Liverpudlian man when I read of his plight this morning....
... takes "pushing someone's buttons" to a whole new level, doesn't it?....
... seriously, you really can't make this shit up....
I had a buddy that had to overcome all sort’s of medical problems to join us in ParaBat1 back in SA.
He started shaking as soon as we activated the radio.
(about 1971)(I can't remember what implant he had, but it controlled adult epilepsy)
Three years later I met him again in Angola.
His reply to questions about how he coped, was.
"I just let out this blood curdling scream that sounds as if a lion is raping an elephant.
Then as soon as the terr's are shaking I ask the disc jockey to send.
When we are all in sync, I kill the lot."
End of story.
Hell raised by KeesKennis on July 20, 2006 03:31 PM
hehehe... DANG~!!! Hope all is well in the SWG world.... long time no see brother...
Wow. I have this neighbor I don't like. I think he's a real jerk. Big jerk. If I knew he had something like that, I'd sit in my house sometimes, just clicking my garage door opener... especially if I knew it was bad timing, like if he was having a party. Oh yes. It would be my weapon...
.... people, listen up..... if you don't own a copy of Brother Void's "Daily Afflictions" you are missing out... y'all know you can trust Uncle Eric... so be good to yourselves... toss yourself a treat.... buy a copy today... I mean, how can you go wrong with logic like this?.. checkit....
The Boot Camp of Life
"We delude ourselves that we want to imbue our children with honesty; instead what we want is to imbue them with our particular form of dishonesty"
Sidney Harris
Some of us are so damaged by our dysfunctional childhoods that we cannot unlearn everything our parents taught us. When this happens, you must make your dysfunction work for you. A good way to begin is to remember that your family is a boot camp designed just for you. In the heat of battle every brutality and indignity that soldiers have suffered in boot camp becomes an immediate reflex that helps them fight, kill, and survive. This is how you should feel about your family. As you move out into the adult jungle, you're prepared for battle. Not only are you ready on a hair-trigger to detonate a flexible array of adult issues, but you've been rigorously trained to handle the operational system of adult institutions, including passive-aggression in the school system, guilt bartering in organized religion, and domination-submission patterns between corporations and government.
As you look back on your unhappy childhood, you realize that your dysfunctional family has prepared you to survive in a dysfunctional world.
Thanks to my dysfunctional childhood, I am ready to kick some adult ass.
... I'm telling you right now, children... you guys are much, much poorer for not having a copy of "Daily Afflictions".... not that my childhood was dysfunctional, of course... but we're all a bit wobbly in our own ways....
.... you know, if I ever caught a rattlesnake that was nine feet long, this is exactly what I would do with it..... hey, I'm just sayin'.... 90lbs is a lot of meat to just chuck into the nearest ditch...
... much, much better to snuggle in with an iron skillet, a few cloves of garlic, and a sharp knife... and get your "one with nature" groove on....
I've had rattler before, and it wasn't bad. Actually, it was pretty damned tasty. But I'll be damned if I'M the sorry bastard who hunts it down.
That's a good chance of fillin the shorts right there...
Hell raised by That 1 Guy on July 16, 2006 10:15 PM
They aren't hard to kill. My horsemanship coach in college beat one with my mare's good halter & lead rope & I smashed one with a rock. Forgot to keep the rattle though.
.... today has been one weird day.... I can't exactly put my finger on it, but there is a noticeable disturbance in The Force.... the natives are restless or something like that... things are quiet.... too quiet... so as you do, I'm off to hide on the patio with a six pack of Newcastle Brown and let the wind chimes sing me to a nap....
... y'all be careful this weekend... something is definitely afoot in the wind... I don't know if it is my Cherokee genes, my Choctaw genes, or that bad bunch of nachos I had for lunch... but regardless... something is twigging my delicate sensibilities... remember that Indian dude in the first "Predator" movie who stood around rubbing his medicine bag and gazing purposefully out into the jungle?...
... yeah, that's the kinda thing I'm talking about... so watch yourselves...
... a few weeks ago the telephone rang here at the compound... upon answering what I assumed was a telemarketer, I was thrilled to find myself asked to participate in the famous Nielsen Ratings System... so for the past few days I have been religiously scribbling down each and every television show that has been pumped into my cozy living room....
... and you know, it's starting to piss me off.... sure, at first I got all warm and fuzzy with the thought that I was "part of something big"... but now it is just tedious.... I mean, times, channels, program names, are the Missus AND I watching said show or is it just me or her alone.... this crap is getting old...
... the only upside to the whole shooting match is that in my attempts to derail The System, I'm definitely getting a fine opportunity to catch up on the daily cycle of pay per view porn movies....
... there is some pretty weird shit on at 3am, people.... just trust me.... again, boys and girls, your humble weblogger plumbs the depths so you guys don't have to....
.... I wonder what percentage of the Nielsen demographic I'm going to get shoehorned into... the mind, wow... she does boggle....
... and speaking of boggling, congrats to Skippy for hitting 100K hits...
I've never done the Nielson thing but we did a radio thing similar to that around here and it was a Major PITA. They gave us each a toonie for doing it though, so it wasn't ALL for naught I guess.
Hell raised by bitterman on July 15, 2006 10:55 AM
Way, way back...perhaps 20 years ago, I agreed to get involved with the Nielsen Ratings. They came out and wired up my TV and VCR with a monitoring device. They also gave me a scanner to scan all my purchases. Once a week, I had dial up a number and essentially "download" the info through the phone.
This was much easier than having to write everything down! And each week that I dialed in, I would earn points that I could turn in for goodies. After about 2 years, I earned enough points for a medium size camping tent (which I only ever used once!)
I wonder if they even do this anymore. Since then, I've been sent the "write it all down" version a couple of times...and have been sent the dollar. But it would be interesting to know if they are still using the scanners and wiring up TV's.
It was kind of fun and interesting to be part of that study. But at the same time, it really felt like *Big Brother* was watching you.
Hell raised by DogsDontPurr on July 15, 2006 04:10 PM
You're a Nielson Family now. I'm LMAO. I think you're probably the crazy uncle to the Nielson family... every family has one! ;-)
I recently got hooked into a radio sweeps thing. You had to write it down but since I only listen to one station and that's only in the car which I hardly drive, it took all of three minutes to fill out at the end of the week. I got three bucks for my trouble. Looking at it as an hourly rate, I thought I made out pretty well.
.... I gently fell asleep on the sofa last night to the light pattering of rain.... dreams of clouds, rainbows, and waterfalls peopled with scantily clad nymphs were enjoyed throughout the long night.... It was wonderful.... so I wake, slightly groggy but happy, at 4AM to find my cellphone buzzing away on my hip...
... "weird", thinks I to myself... "why would someone call me at such a late hour... 12:43AM... probably some blogger drunk-dialing my saintly ass from a bar somewhere.. "...
... so as you do, I checked the voicemail... and here is a rough transcript...
(slightly slurred East Tennessee redneck) .... "Eeeeeeerick... I've got your dog over here... give me a call at 519-XXXX when you can... like I said, your dog is over here and he's KILLED A BUNCH of my CHICKENS... and I'm pretty PISSED OFF... so you just call me tomorrow so we can settle this with a COURT DATE.... Your name and number is on his collar.... We'll settle this in court with you and your chicken-killin' dawg.... thanks".... *click*...
... ladies and gentlemen, to say that this message harshed my sublime mellow in a big, big way would be the understatement of the century... I was fucking livid.... and it is never a good thing to anger me first thing in the morning... most of the time, I am the epitome of Zenned-out Libran Calmness.... but when jolted awake by anger, threats, and haughtiness... well, I can get pretty mean...
... first off, let me preface this whole tale with the salient fact that I don't own a fucking dog... and even if I DID own a dog it wouldn't be wandering around the neighborhood at night killing chickens... and even if it WERE wandering around at night killing chickens, then the chickens probably needed KILLING... and they had probably offended it in some way and deserved to die... if I did have a fucking dog I would stand by his moral judgment to kill chickens as he saw fit....
... anyway, once my eyes stopped glowing red, I phoned my fellow hillbilly for a chat.... 4:30AM and the phone just rang and rang.... typical... so I waited.... and waited.... and waited... 7:00AM I called again... just ringing.... and ringing...
... my third attempt was at 8 and it was successful...
(slightly sleepy/drugged/hung-over voice of the same asshole who left the message for me at 12:43AM) .... Uhh... hullo?...
Me. .... Good morning... I'm Eric... you left a message on my phone last night about my dog....
Hillbilly: .... Huh?...
Me: ... you said that my dog had killed your chickens... you left a message giving me this number...
Hillbilly: .... Who is this?.... I didn't leave a message for you...
Me: ... my name is Eric.... how did you get my number, Sir?...
Hillbilly .... Huh?... I don't know what you are talking about...
Me: ... do you own chickens?... is my dog there?... are we going to settle on a court date or what?...
Hillbilly... Eric?... COURT DATE?!... I don't own any chickens...
Me: ... well, that's a good thing... because if you did, I would drive to your house and shoot every goddamn one of them... THEN we could set a court date, motherfucker.... Never call me again... and I'd watch about huffing on that pipe and then calling people you don't know and threatening them... as a matter of fact, I'll bring my State Trooper neighbor with me when I come to shoot your fucking chickens so he can help us with the court date after I'm done.... where the fuck do you live, asshole?...
... so it's 8:32 now and I'm feeling a bit better.... that man must have been stoned to the Moon to have dreamt up a whole flock of chickens and a chicken-killing dog.... but coffee and nicotine are balming me nicely... so how was your morning?....
Type the phonbe number into google and it will give you an address. Go kick his ass, not for being a stoner/drunk, but for being a stupid stoner / drunk. A drunk prank is one thing, but not remembering said prank is going too far.
I would go buy a dozen roosters and take them to his house as "replacements".
Hell raised by hoosierboy on July 10, 2006 08:11 AM
.. thanks, Shoe...
... I tried, Hoosierboy... but it is a cell number...
Reminds of that joke about the guy who got pissed at two different guys and had them fighting each other...hmmm...I'll have to see if I can find it for you...
I just want to know how the heck he got your number in the first place. A randamly dialed number I can understand. But dialed with the correct name? That's just weird.
Maybe he was out partying with someone you know and while both of them were higher than kites - they called and left you that message thinking you'd call right back... *grin*
As for me - my morning has been fine - the afternoon won't be any great shakes though. But I'll still be able to giggle over this one.
don't forget you have people round here who might... maybe... be able to... I don't know... grab a lot more information from a cell phone number than normal routes might give you...
What kind of huntin' dog is it that you got what kills the neighbors chickens? I have hard of coon hounds, terd hounds, shit-eatin' dawgs, Georgia Bulldawgs, and bird dogs. But you be the first I ever knew of to keep a chicken dog..and then lie about it on a damn blog when it goes huntin that poor hillbillies chickens. You realized that dawg may have cost that boy several months of his love life...
I feel your pain, Eric. The last four digits of my phone number spell something profane (and no I didn't plan it that way) which leads to many 3AM phone calls from drunken teenage boys. Except usually it's not a court date they're asking for...although if I took them up on their offers I would probably get one of those thrown in free of charge.
I'd be most interested in how he got the number and name. I also like Hoosierboy's idea, and it would be a great idea to make sure they can't get away or get eaten by putting them in his vehicle, house, or some other safe and secure location... You handled it well.
Hell raised by Laughing Wolf on July 10, 2006 12:30 PM
Oh my GOODNESS! How mental is that??? I would be a little creeped out wondering how he got my name/number...
Well told.
I will try not to piss you off.
I will tell the story tommorow or the day after (depending on work hours) about my dogs killing some neigbors fowls.
Thanks for the place on your blogroll
Hell raised by KeesKennis on July 10, 2006 01:03 PM
Whew... for a minute there, I though you were gonna somehow mention my name in that conversation.
Perhaps he got your number from the men's room wall at Tito's Lavender Lace Club. That'll learn ya not to wear chaps without undies.
Hell raised by Jim - PRS on July 10, 2006 03:36 PM
Eric,
Come to think of it. I have a chicken house and there aren't any chickens in it. Your damn dog must have ate mine too. You're only two states away....it's possible. I'm suing your ass!
Unfortunately my phone number is one away from the loacl waffle house, and on the other side one away from the Honda dealership. I get the weirdest phone calls...I should probably look at getting it changed sometime.
Hell raised by Beatle412 on July 10, 2006 10:21 PM
Umm, just a thought - this was a voicemail message, right? Does your greeting happen to say, "Hi, this is Eric"? That would be how he knew your name. ;-p
Interesting morning you had there! I think you should get a dog. :-D
Hell raised by just-me-jen on July 11, 2006 05:57 AM
You better double check that phone number. I think that might have been Catfish calling you.
Rick
Hell raised by recondo32 on July 11, 2006 09:24 AM
You handled that one alot better than I would have. Heh....
SO much more calmer than what I would have been. I would have found a way to coax the fucker into giving me his address and name and then having my way with him... I imagine a Cujo type dog beeing sic'd on him would work fine.
... the wild, oriental beetle pleasurefest that has been taking place in my ferns has spilled over... they are no longer content to have me massacre them by the bushel basket in only one location....
.... this morning the blooms of the climbing pink rose at my front door were coated with munching, writhing, humping Japanese beetles.... and my crepe myrtle isn't faring any better... little bastards...
... one would think that the Birds of the proverbial Field would at least be trying to help me out by filling their little gizzards with freshly fucked fertilized beetles... but no... the birds are too busy preening themselves in the birdbath to worry about helping out the likes of me....
.... so I must go once more, girt for combat... and armed with my trusty Windex bottle filled with dish detergent-impregnated water... and lead the squirming masses onward towards their buggy oblivion....
... gah!... bah humbug!.... it's almost enough to make me spring for paving the lawn... it really is....
Ah, but if you paved the lawn, you would loose the beauty of the green, and the flowers. And then again, you would miss the battles of man against bugs. Good luck!
.... in Cleveland, TN there is a small, Yankee-operated deli located on the eastern side of the town square..... proudly serving excellent hotdogs within spitting distance of the old Confederate Memorial statue... it is there, sitting on the street corner and gazing upon the flag-draped stone man, that I plan on having today's noontime feast.... a tall glass of sweet iced-tea... a Cadbury's Flake... and a plump wiener on a soft bun with onions, sauerkraut, and mustard...
... don't wait up for me, children... I may be gone for some time....
Sounds like a nice afternoon. We'll be dining out-of-doors this evening as well; we're going to have a BBQ tonight for my baby's SEVENTEENTH birthday...man...I feel OLD today...feelin' every one of my 34 years.
Why is it those plump wieners taste so good on the street? It's like I would never think of eating a boiled hotdog at home.... But I look forward to them when I go to New York or the ball park....
... you know, I'm a pretty nice fellow... quiet, shy, retiring... one might even say meek'.... and as I am so sensitive, I am often drawn to sad stories such as this...
... but I do also have a curious side - even in the face of such sad circumstances... so as I was reading the article on the suddenly brain-damaged and sex-crazed young British trooper, I could not help but read these lines and sit in amazement.....
We were told that the brain's frontal lobes play a key role in personality. This was discovered about 160 years ago when a railway worker, Phineas Gage, accidentally drove a metre-long metal pole through the frontal lobes of his brain.
Gage astonished doctors by making a full physical recovery. But his character had changed: he became quick-tempered and foul-natured very different from his former self.
... "foul-natured"??... well, you don't say.... having accidentally driven a metre-long metal pole through one's frontal lobe might do that... no?.... and that 600 pound sterling internet porn bill?.... Alexander, I definitely feel your pain...... I hope those beta-blockers work..... God knows, suing the MOD surely won't....
Hey, some of the goons I work with need a personality transplant, does this mean that I can jab then in the head with a piece of all-thread and have pleasant coworkers?
Surprised you didn't write about the marine's new cookbook. I've got a post on it at my site.
