..... you know, I've been hunting my whole life...... small game, big game, varmints....... but this little flick from back in my younger days still resonates with me beyond words......
..... and really?.... I haven't actively hunted anything bigger than a breadbasket since..... sure, I've wandered through the woods armed while looking for bigger beasts, but I was never successful..........
The best hunting story I ever heard was the time you and your cousin went and left the Copenhagen in the truck. Before you tossed your dip, he took it. Is that how you recycle in the South?
Hell raised by VA Fed on February 9, 2010 10:03 AM
Buddy Hackett had a world-class gun collection. A few of them turned up here in town at a local shop, but they were way out of my budget!
Hell raised by El Capitan on February 9, 2010 12:32 PM
... true, that, Jerry..... very, very true.....
... and 3rdPI, I remember telling you that story back in tech control one lonely night....... and yes, how damned desperate?....... I have NEVER wanted a dip of snuff that bad......
.... thanks, El Capitan..... I never knew that Hackett was a collecter........ givs me a bit of a better feel for him, I guess, knowing that.....
Weird thing. Dabbling at the Ruger website and discovered that my faithful M-77 had been recalled...well not exactly recalled but an issued warning. A screw must be replaced in the trigger assembly for safety reasons and the weapon should not be used until replacement is installed. Contacted Ruger with particulars and Ruger sent replacement screw and a hex wrench to replace it with in a very timely manner. Disassembled piece and replaced screw. Now, after 36 years of use I can safely hunt with it. Will sleep easier tonight knowing so...
..... my goodness, what a day....... it appears that the proverbial shit has hit the fan regarding a family member of mine, and it was no one's fault but his own........ but, being ever the philosophical fellow that I am, as soon as I heard the news, an old, old joke crept out of the dusty, spider-webbed area at the back of my brain......... and since I cannot seem to find the original version on the Internet, I'll just re-tell it again myself as best as I can recall..... that said, here you go......
..... The Signalman, by Eric....
.... one day - way up in the hills of Tennessee - a Southern Railway signalman sat in his shack beside the tracks going about his railroad business..... checking time tables, work orders, etc......
.... but on this particular day, a surprise inspection had been scheduled without the old timer's knowledge......
.... the suited Southern Railroad Man - fresh from the Atlanta offices - arrives unannounced and begins to quiz the signalman about how he performs his duties.....
.... clipboard in hand, the handsome young Atlantian begins.... "what would you do if you realized that two trains were both on your section of track at the same time and a collision was likely?"....
.... the old timer scratched at his beard and eyed the whippersnapper... "well, I reckon that I'd get on the radio and contact both trains and tell them both to stop, sir.."....
..... "and if their radios were broken?"....
..... "hmmmm, well, I would get on the phone to the Dispatcher down in Knoxville and have them use their teletype to contact the trains..."
.... "and if your telephone was broken?"...
..... "well, I would head up the street and use the payphone, I guess..."
..." and what if it had been vandalized by some of these hillbilly kids??"
.... "our kids aren't like that, Mister... but I see what you're getting at....... hmmm..... I reckon that I'd use my machine here to throw the switch to put the trains on different tracks...."
....."and if the power was out to your machine??"
...... beginning to get a bit disturbed, the old man thought for a bit..... "well, I'd just go out and throw the switch manually..... using my key here to unlock the lever.."
..."and if the lock was frozen?".....
..... "well, I'd get Mr. Jenkins from the Hardware store to run as fast as he could along the tracks northwards with these signal flares...... and I'd head southwards with mine..... and we'd try to flag both trains manually...".....
.... "and if your flares wouldn't light?"....
.... "AHH!", says the old man, finally knowing exactly what to do..... "WELL, if all of them things happened like you said they did?....... I know just EXACTLY what I would do!.... I'd call for Uncle Bob to get down here as quick as he could!"....
.... absolutely perplexed at this final answer, the young man stammers, "what??..... why on earth would you want your Uncle Bob down here??!"....
..... "Hell, son!.... that's EASY!..... Uncle Bob ain't never SEEN a train wreck before!".....
...... baaaaaaaa bump bump.......
.... just call me the signalman, ladies and gents......... today, of all days, it just about fits me perfectly.......
I suppose..."Well son, i'd haul your high falutin' big city ass up the line a bit and tie you down for a speed bump...and i got's plenty of rope."...wouldn't really make much of an impression either would it.
.... Hoosierboy is feeling blue, ladies & gentlemen..... and the old boy needs a bit of cheering up........
.... well, I recommended Blazing Saddles or Young Frankenstein........ but they might not work for him..... so what say you?..... what is it that gives you the giggles when you've reached the end of your tether?.....
... and by the way, this is possibly the funniest line in that film.... no, really...... well, apart from that blind Gene Hackman line...." wait!... wait!..... where are you going?..... I was going to make espresso!"......
.... heh.... I found it!....
.... and with that, I'm off..... the leg of lamb in the oven requires some tender ministration......
...... I'm worn out..... absolutely and completely, worn out...... Hell's Half Acre has witnessed a flurry of activity today that it hadn't seen in at least the three months..... my goodness, what a day..... trees have been planted, sprinklers left to sprinkle, and seed has been scattered for the coming autumn...... lots and lots of seeds....... as for me, I need a nap....... but instead of napping, I found myself out on YouTube looking for old Tommy Cooper skits...
..... yeah, I know..... that is weird..... buy hey, welcome to my world........ and so now that I am off to cook dinner, I will leave you with a Cooper skit.... and two lovely Milligan examples....
.... first off, here's Tommy.......
... and here's a bit of ole Spike......
...... hey, what can I say?.... they certainly made ME laugh.......
..... anyhoo, I'm off to nibble shrimp and contemplate Great and Wonderful things until the Sun goes down....... so as Grandpa Walton said to Jeremiah Johnson on that snow-covered mountain peak back in 1972...... "I hope that you will..... fare well.."..... I'm off..... it is time to eat some shrimp.....
He talks about his daughter Katie in his blog and I believe his daughter is the Katheryn I am looking for.
I don't know if you have had any further contact with Bob since this old blog, but if somehow you have and could get a message to him I would be most appreciative.I am ultimately looking for his daughter.I made an
entry in the blog but fear that because it is an old blog and looks like people lost touch with him at that point, that it may go nowhere.
Either way if you can let me know, I thank you in advance.
57 responses in about 36 hours. Not exactly rocking the vote, folks, but we're all painfully aware of how many hits this site gets from people searching for stuff like "squirrel sex", aren't we? So let's just skip over that and dwell for a minute on the fact that apparently only two voters felt that public humiliation of bloggers is wrong. Not too surprising to me. It certainly explains the never-ending photos/photoshops of me that appear on the net. And the fact that a photoshopped image of me graces a t-shirt. Oh, well...it's not like any potential employers in the IT field ever use the internet and are therefore likely to stumble across my picture, right? Besides, it'll make for a lovely way to break up those occasional lulls in the interview process.
Okay, back to the main topic here. It seems to me like an awful lot of you want some payback. Very well. Without further ado, I am proud to present to you a most strange beastie discovered in the mountain wilderness of north Georgia...
Truth is stranger than friction. Or anything you could *possibly* photoshop.
I should've known there had to be a Mulleted White Guy shot lurking out there somewhere.
Hell raised by Elisson on September 14, 2007 09:07 PM
Shiny hair!
Hell raised by Cappy on September 15, 2007 10:57 AM
Damn - who would have guessed that Eric is cuter as a girl than *I* am....
Hell raised by Richmond on September 15, 2007 07:29 PM
Isn't he purty?!
Hell raised by Maeve on September 15, 2007 09:55 PM
Gee. Maeve, I was just about to say that. He is a purty one, ain't he?
sigh
too bad I'm gonna miss the meet....
Hell raisin' in Helen would be quite interesting.
Hell raised by Nancy on September 15, 2007 10:50 PM
Amazing, with his masculine wiles, that he could make Fabio look like some dumb pocket protector geek. I'll really have to seriously restrain myself when I see him next, if that's become his usual blogmeet getup.
...mercy...
Hell raised by Erica on September 16, 2007 04:08 PM
Aww, Erica, that's just Eric doing an impersonation of Zonker. Too bad you can't see the tats.
Hell raised by Elisson on September 16, 2007 08:33 PM
.... good GOD.... just you wait, Thunderdaddy..... I've got quite a collection of you, old boy.....
Hell raised by Eric on September 16, 2007 09:32 PM
this has satisfied my vote for amusement. thank you kindly. eric, i am sorry to be entertained by your humiliation, but it is so very amusing indeed!
Hell raised by Kimmy on September 20, 2007 08:45 AM
... morning, rubberneckers.... today's Joke of the Day was stolen from The Confabulator....
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,Fffff'
... and before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"
... now THAT is funny... I like the way that little girl thinks....
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, "I can't remember, exactly, ...Peter, Peter, something or other..."
... I just found this little goodie in my email inbox... but before I post it, I feel the need to interject a quick quote from Will Rogers... he was, after all, a wise, wise man... ole Willie once said... "The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has".. and he was right... oh, and that quote is from "The Illiterate Digest".. 1924...
... the tax proposed below?.. it will rival the income tax in liar creation.. on that, you can bet...
The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Effective January 1st, 2005 your penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:
Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!
Sincerely,
Pecker Checker IRS
*****NOTE*****
We are still waiting for answers for the following questions: - Are there penalties for early withdrawals? - What if one's penis is self employed? - Do multiple partners count as a corporation? - Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes? - Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?
Hell raised by bitterman on February 7, 2005 08:56 PM
Eric, if you haven't learned the penalty for an early withdrawal at this point in your life, then perhaps your lovely wife and I need to have a drink and chat a bit;-)
... sound words of advice from the email.... yea, verily...
Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump (of course) didn't respond. The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire."
The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that; You really don't want to make him mad!"
"Rubbish," replied the younger alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.
"What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one. "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge. "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy," said the wise old alien. "When a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't mess with him."
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have some joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry,' and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.
He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!"
The Monkey looks down and says "FUUUUUCK, DUDE....... how much water did you drink?"
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, Woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me.
"He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money tae be able tae affarrdany."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is The Pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.
7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?
9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.
12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.
How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.
I am always throwing away those ratty underware and socks. I think it's a wife's duty to do that.
But I always hide them under garbage and always on the night before the garbage goes out. I do this because he found them once and carried on for a lifetime about throwing away good underware/socks.
Hell raised by Machelle on August 19, 2004 09:06 AM
..actually, I missed that question on the quiz.. I don't own any underwear...
heheee.. that's pretty sad... I would say that if it had bitten one of my children I would have slain it... ehhehee..
I like the part where it says he depends on the monkey to groom and bathe him... weird stuff...
Of course the kid was curious, a two year old, who probably has never seen a monkey unless it has been to the zoo...
Hell raised by Mudfish Billie on August 5, 2004 07:19 PM
Children and monkeys, not to mention people who don't know how to use checkcards, write checks, or which aisle is the expressland and how many items they have, should not be allowed in grocery stores. Period.
I always wanted a monkey growing up. My parents refused. I knew two people with monkeys, and, in retrospect, I understand. Their houses were foul, and those monkeys stank.
Hell raised by Velociman on August 5, 2004 11:52 PM
Alabama:
Like the third world, but closer.
Don't tell MS, but we're ALL sportin' boners right now!
Because SC is a Little Too Progressive for Some of Us
Keeping it in the family since 1819.
Alaska:
Colder Than a Witch's Tit -- and Prettier, Too!
Yeah, but it's a dry cold.
We Get to Kill Whales and You Don't!
We're cold and lonely: LET US HAVE OUR POT BACK!
Arizona:
The Pacific Coast State!
Oh, crap. I guess now WE'RE gonna need a new motto, too.
Arkansas:
It's Trailer-rific!!!
Honest, we were just try'n to get that sheep back over the fence.
Attention, K-Mart Shoppers!
California:
Caution: Large Fake Breasts On Board!
With Satan, too, all things are possible -- and way more fun!
What the hell's up with VT???
Silicon Valley in the North, Silicone Hills in the South!
Colorado:
Now 100% John Denver free!
Connecticut:
The "C" is Silent, Casshole!
Florida:
Half a Million Cubans Can't All Be Wrong
Hey you kids, get off of my state!
We make the US look like it's pissing on Cuba.
So close, you can smell Fidel.
The Phallic Symbol State
More than just a great place to die.
Now With 25% More Cubans!
Where the 3 R's are for Rednecks, Retirees and Raft Arrivals
With Elian gone and Spring Break over, we're once again safe for Grandma.
Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free... and we'll send 'em back to you free of charge!
Come See Your Grandparents Before They Die
Hawaii:
Why Does Everybody Think Putting Ham and Pineapple on Something Makes it "Hawaiian"?
Idaho:
You Can Be Da Ho Next!
Get Your Whites Their Whitest!
Cogito ergo spud: I think, therefore I yam.
Illinois:
Stop pronouncing the "S", or we're gonna kick your ass!
The "I See Dead Voters" State
Indiana:
Dan Quayle's Favorite Country!
Where EVERY year is 1957.
Iowa:
Future Birthplace of Captain James T. Kirk
Our Trees Bend North Because Minnesota Sucks.
Kansas:
We aren't all that crazy about Newton and his "gravity", either.
More hills than Nebraska!
Kentucky:
Come for the Bluegrass -- Stay for the Incest!
Shallowest gene pool in the Union
We've Heard ALL the Hillbilly Jokes, So Don't Even Bother.
Massachusetts:
Now with 30% fewer Kennedys!
Michigan:
It's not just cold. It's ass-biting cold.
Auto strikes, disgruntled postal workers, and a surplus of Canadians, oh my!
Forget Detroit, it's actually part of Canada.
Minnesota:
First Line of Defense Against the Canadians
Those guys in Fargo lived in ND, okay?
Mississippi:
We're Hard-on Crime
Foiling Spelling Bees for over 150 years
Keeping Louisiana from being last in *every* quality of life category.
Don't even *think* about it, Chester!
Missouri:
Missouri Loves Company
Montana:
One nation, under God, with liberty and justice for all. Unless, of course, you don't believe in that sort of thing, in which case you can find a patch of land, build and arsenal, write a manifesto and start your own damned government.
Anti-Government-Isolationist-Compound Conventions Welcome!
Now with 50% fewer radical dissidents.
Nebraska:
The "N" is for "Knowledge!"
You're Not in Kansas Anymore!
New Jersey:
Come for the beaches. Stay for the gambling, crack and hookers.
What smell?
Home of Jimmy Hoffa's grave... somewhere.
Hey, Quit Laughing!!
All those chemical waste sites and Trump's Taj Mahal, too!
New York:
The Go F#@$% Yourself State
New Safe Version -- Now With 30% Fewer Murders!
Just try to spend more for gas!
Come for the skyline, stay because you were mugged and don't have money for a taxi to the airport.
North Carolina:
Sure, we've got weird, blue-skinned, inbred mountain dwellers, but at least we don't still fly the confederate flag!
North Dakota:
Last one to leave, turn out the light.
You probably don't want to visit any more than we want to live here.
Ohio:
We're Full of Inbreds, Too -- We Just Have a Better PR Firm.
It's more than just "hello" in Japanese.
With God, All Things Are Possible -- and a little hush money to the Supreme Court doesn't hurt, either
In God We Trust (C'mon -- we dare you to strike *this* one down!)
With an omnipotent universal supreme being of undetermined gender which may or may not exist, all things are technically possible!
With God, all things except keeping our state motto are possible.
Oklahoma:
We're like the Canada of TX!
Oklahoma: Named After an Indian Tribe We Slaughtered
Oregon:
Home of quality babes like Tonya Harding and Monica Lewinski.
Pennsylvania:
Under Construction
With goats, all things are possible.
Rhode Island:
Small? Yes, But We Know What To Do With It
Yes, we know what a "peninsula" is.
South Carolina:
Oh, yeah -- like *we're* going to be concerned about an NAACP tourism boycott.
Ya don't think removin' that flag changes nothin', do ya, boy?
If at first you don't secede: try, try again.
The OTHER white state.
South Dakota:
Hello? Can anyone hear me? Hey! Over here!
Tennessee:
The Darwin State
Established in 1796 by Al Gore
Texas:
We Let America See Our Bush!
The Criminal's Lethal Injection Connection
We Kill 'em So YOU Don't Have To
We put the "Ex" in "execution"!
Better Behave, or We'll Fry Your Ass
With your father as ex-president, all things are possible.
West Virginia:
Got Teeth?
Because somebody has to make Virginia look good.
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
The State of Brotherly and Sisterly Love
Oh, honestly, people. We have a world-class orchestra. We have a university. We... hey, Joe-Bob, pass me the chewin' tobakky, willya?
Utah:
Now open 7 days a week.
Michael Jackson is *almost* white enough to live here now.
With OUR God, all things are possible.
It really sucked giving up multiple wives.
Putting the "white" in "red, white, and blue."
Vermont:
We don't care who you marry, as long as we get the license fee.
Virginia:
Contrary to our name, our women are actually pretty slutty!
Washington:
Come for the Protests -- Stay for the Coffee!
Where even the Tear Gas is environmentally friendly.
With Gates, all things are possible.
Wisconsin:
Badgers?! We don't need no stinkin' badgers.
Cutting the Cheese Since 1848
You're Among Cows.
Puerto Rico:
Ready to Screw Up 40 Years of Flag Symmetry
Dumb Guys Think We're a State!
We want statehood! No, we don't! Yes, we do!
Victoria:
Ever-tolerant of those xenophobic bastards in the Northern Hemisphere
... gotta love those Cajuns... almost reminds me of some of people around here....
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were sitting in back of their trailers shooting the breeze. Bou ask Thib, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin an' made love to your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?" Thib scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't tink so.....but, it shore would make us even
... yeah, yeah... I know... but, be honest... isn't this the quality you have come to EXPECT around here?...
Boudreaux and Thibodaux were walking down a country road when they came upon a young woman with a flat on her bicycle. Boudreaux stopped to help her with a flat and Thibodaux continued on down the road. Soon after, Boudreaux came riding up on the bike and Thibodaux asked him what happened. " Well" said Boudreaux, "I stopped and fixed de flat for dat chick and after i did dat, she took off her panties, lay down in de grass and told me to take whatever I wanted. I chose dis bicycle." Thibodaux said, "Me friend, you did just the right thing, cause dem panties probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
The history lessons you didn't receive in High School....
Part I (the B.C. years)
3050 B.C. - A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business code of ethics.
2900 B.C. - Egyptians create Sphinx, one of Seven Great Wonders of the Ancient, but refuse to talk about it.
1850 B.C. - Britons announce Operation Stonehenge a success after arranging slabs in sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse scientists for centuries.
1785 B.C. - The first calendar is introduced by Babylonian scientists.
1768 B.C. - Babylonians experience winter in June.
776 B.C. - The world's first known money appears in Persia. World's first known counterfeiter appears in Persia next day.
525 B.C. - The first Olympics are held in Greece. USSR enters six footer with a mustache in women's shot put.
410 B.C. - Rome ends the practice of enslaving debtors, removing biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card.
404 B.C. - The Peloponnesian war enters 27th year because neither side can find a treaty writer who can spell Peloponnesian.
214 B.C. - Tens of thousands of Chinese people complete 1,500 mile long Great Wall. Neighbor's dog gets through.
1 B.C. - Calendar manufacturers argue over what to call next year.
79 A.D. - Property in Pompeii turns out to be bad investment.
432 A.D - St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives topic to fight about for the rest of recorded history.
1000 A.D. - Leif Ericsson discovers America; decides it's not worth mentioning.
1043 A.D. - Lady Godiva demonstrates against high taxes, causing all to forget what she is demonstrating against.
1125 A.D. - Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling peasants to solve how much tax each owes on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you're in the XXXVI percent bracket?
1233 A.D. - Inquisition begins. Practice is so un-Christian it is permitted to continue for only 600 years.
1297 A.D. - World's first stock exchange opens. Few have foresight to buy IBM.
1433 A.D. - Portugal launches African slave trade, proving what a small nation can do with a little ingenuity and much evil.
1456 A.D. - English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence of 1431.
1492 A.D. - Columbus lands in Bahamas, names it San Salvador, and calls natives Indians.
1497 A.D. - Amerigo Vespucci becomes the first to think of naming the new world in honor of himself...the United States of Vespuccia!
1508 A.D. - Michelangelo accedes to Pope's demands to paint ceiling of Sistine Chapel, but refuses to wash the windows.
1513 A.D. - Ponce de Leon finds the Fountain of Youth, but dies of old age trying to remember where.
1522 A.D. - Scientists, who know the world is flat, conclude that
Magellan made it all the way around by crawling across the bottom.
1568 A.D. - Upset by the slander of his good name, Russian leader kills
100,000 peasants to make them stop calling him Ivan the Terrible.
1607 A.D. - Indians laugh themselves silly as first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".
1618 A.D. - Britain executes Sir Walter Raleigh, but allow his tobacco plants to live.
1642 A.D. - The first nine students to receive Bachelor of Arts degrees in America, discover there are no jobs available for a kid with a liberal arts education.
1670 A.D. - Pilgrims, busy burning witches, fail to observe golden anniversary of winning religious freedom.
1755 A.D. - Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a source of dirty words.
1758 A.D. - New Jersey is chosen as the site of America's first Indian reservation, giving Indians an idea of living conditions they can expect.
1763 A.D. - The French and Indian War ends. Both sides lose.
1770 A.D. - The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, three shootings in Boston are average for a Saturday Night.
1773 A.D. - Colonists dump tea into Boston Harbor. British call the act "barbaric", noting that no one added cream.
1776 A.D. - Napoleon maintains neutrality during American Revolution, primarily because he is seven years old.
1779 A.D. - John Paul Jones notifies British, "I have just begun to fight!" and notices his ship is sinking.
1793 A.D. - "Let them eat cake!" becomes the most famous thing Marie Antionette ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing she ever said.
Also, the last.
1799 A.D. - Translation of Rosetta Stone enables scholars to learn that Egyptian hieroglyphics say fundamental stuff: "Dear Ramses, How are you?
I am fine."
1805 A.D. - Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.
1807 A.D. - Robert Fulton invents the steamship to provide target for torpedos.
1815 A.D. - Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins the Battle of New Orleans a month after letter was mailed telling him the War of 1812 is over.
1840 A.D. - William Henry Harrison is elected president in landslide, proving very few could disagree with campaign motto, "Tippecanoe and Tyler too."
1850 A.D. - Henry Clay announces, "I'd rather be right than president,"
after running for president five times without winning.
1859 A.D. - Charles Darwin writes "Origin of the Species". Containing same general plot as "Planet of the Apes", it fails to gross as much money.
1865 A.D. - Union Soldiers face greatest challenge of the war: sobering Grant for Lee's surrender.
1894 A.D. - Thomas Edison displays first motion picture, applauded by all but movie critics.
1903 A.D. - Opening of Trans-Siberian Railway enables passengers from Moscow to reach Vladivostok in eight days, much sooner than most desire.
1910 A.D. - Founding of Boy Scouts of America comes as bad news to independent old ladies at traffic lights.
1911 A.D. - Rauld Amundsen discovers South Pole and confirms his suspicions: It looks a lot like the North Pole.
1912 A.D. - People with reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.
1920 A.D. - The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes drinking illegal in the U.S. Everyone stops, except for 40 million who do not.
1924 A.D. - Hitler is released from prison four years early, after convincing parole board he is a changed man.
1928 A.D. - Herbert Hoover promises "a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage," neglecting to add that most Americans will soon be without both.
1930 A.D. - Pluto is discovered; the planet. The dog wasn't discovered until 1938.
1933 A.D. - German housewives begin to realize why wallpaper hanger with mustache never came back to finish the job.
1933 A.D. - Hitler establishes Third Reich, announcing it will last a thousand years, an error of only 988.
1934 A.D. - John Dillinger, gunned down by police on leaving Chicago film theater, gasps that he didn't like the movie, either.
1934 A.D. - Great Depression, giving businessmen headaches, reaches climax with birth of Ralph Nader.
1938 A.D. - Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty, averting WW II.
1944 A.D. - Hitler's promise of Volkswagens for all Germans as soon as they've won the war proves to be insufficient incentive.
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself.
His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
Sam and Bessie were an elderly couple. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home.
Walking proudly, he enters the house and says to his wife,"Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks,a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?! IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Ya shoulda bought a hat."
"On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me,"You should be hung."
I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass."
.... an oldie.. .but a goodie.... and, something that I can, once again, identify with...
southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
It's fast and testimony meeting. Sister Smith walks up to the stand once again, like she does every month. You know the one - the lady that gives her "testimony" EVERY month, talking (or mostly crying) about everything under the sun... her ex husband never took out the trash, her poor cat got hit by a car, her sister-in-law's neighbor's second cousin got cancer, or whatever.
Anyway, she gets up this month and is especially out of control. She is boo-hooing so bad you can't understand a word she is saying. 10 minutes go by, then 15, then 20. Everyone is feeling uncomfortable, especially the Bishop. Finally, the Bishop can take no more.
He walks up to Sister Smith and puts his arm around to comfort her (and to try and wrap it up). Sister Smith, with tears streaming down her face says, "I'm sorry Bishop, I am such a big boob." The Bishop leans in to Sister Smith, inches away from the microphone, and says, "That's ok Sister Smith, I LIKE BIG BOOBS." The sacrament meeting ended 10 minutes early.
I can totally understand this joke... on many levels...
A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel in room 302."
The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me shit."
