Hackett......

..... you know, I've been hunting my whole life...... small game, big game, varmints....... but this little flick from back in my younger days still resonates with me beyond words......

..... and really?.... I haven't actively hunted anything bigger than a breadbasket since..... sure, I've wandered through the woods armed while looking for bigger beasts, but I was never successful..........

.... coyotes excepted, of course......

...... but, god, I miss Buddy Hackett.......

Read the Bullshit »

Signals....

..... my goodness, what a day....... it appears that the proverbial shit has hit the fan regarding a family member of mine, and it was no one's fault but his own........ but, being ever the philosophical fellow that I am, as soon as I heard the news, an old, old joke crept out of the dusty, spider-webbed area at the back of my brain......... and since I cannot seem to find the original version on the Internet, I'll just re-tell it again myself as best as I can recall..... that said, here you go......

..... The Signalman, by Eric....

.... one day - way up in the hills of Tennessee - a Southern Railway signalman sat in his shack beside the tracks going about his railroad business..... checking time tables, work orders, etc......

.... but on this particular day, a surprise inspection had been scheduled without the old timer's knowledge......

.... the suited Southern Railroad Man - fresh from the Atlanta offices - arrives unannounced and begins to quiz the signalman about how he performs his duties.....

.... clipboard in hand, the handsome young Atlantian begins.... "what would you do if you realized that two trains were both on your section of track at the same time and a collision was likely?"....

.... the old timer scratched at his beard and eyed the whippersnapper... "well, I reckon that I'd get on the radio and contact both trains and tell them both to stop, sir.."....

..... "and if their radios were broken?"....

..... "hmmmm, well, I would get on the phone to the Dispatcher down in Knoxville and have them use their teletype to contact the trains..."

.... "and if your telephone was broken?"...

..... "well, I would head up the street and use the payphone, I guess..."

..." and what if it had been vandalized by some of these hillbilly kids??"

.... "our kids aren't like that, Mister... but I see what you're getting at....... hmmm..... I reckon that I'd use my machine here to throw the switch to put the trains on different tracks...."

....."and if the power was out to your machine??"

...... beginning to get a bit disturbed, the old man thought for a bit..... "well, I'd just go out and throw the switch manually..... using my key here to unlock the lever.."

..."and if the lock was frozen?".....

..... "well, I'd get Mr. Jenkins from the Hardware store to run as fast as he could along the tracks northwards with these signal flares...... and I'd head southwards with mine..... and we'd try to flag both trains manually...".....

.... "and if your flares wouldn't light?"....

.... "AHH!", says the old man, finally knowing exactly what to do..... "WELL, if all of them things happened like you said they did?....... I know just EXACTLY what I would do!.... I'd call for Uncle Bob to get down here as quick as he could!"....

.... absolutely perplexed at this final answer, the young man stammers, "what??..... why on earth would you want your Uncle Bob down here??!"....

..... "Hell, son!.... that's EASY!..... Uncle Bob ain't never SEEN a train wreck before!".....


...... baaaaaaaa bump bump.......

.... just call me the signalman, ladies and gents......... today, of all days, it just about fits me perfectly.......

Read the Bullshit »

Head....

.... this is just genius......

..... I'm off to water the lawn.....

Read the Bullshit »

Laughter.....

.... Hoosierboy is feeling blue, ladies & gentlemen..... and the old boy needs a bit of cheering up........

.... well, I recommended Blazing Saddles or Young Frankenstein........ but they might not work for him..... so what say you?..... what is it that gives you the giggles when you've reached the end of your tether?.....

... and by the way, this is possibly the funniest line in that film.... no, really...... well, apart from that blind Gene Hackman line...." wait!... wait!..... where are you going?..... I was going to make espresso!"......

.... heh.... I found it!....

.... and with that, I'm off..... the leg of lamb in the oven requires some tender ministration......

Read the Bullshit »

Laughing....

.... and now for something completely different........ enjoy...

.... hey, there's logic... and then there's logic..... even in The South....

Read the Bullshit »

British......

...... I'm worn out..... absolutely and completely, worn out...... Hell's Half Acre has witnessed a flurry of activity today that it hadn't seen in at least the three months..... my goodness, what a day..... trees have been planted, sprinklers left to sprinkle, and seed has been scattered for the coming autumn...... lots and lots of seeds....... as for me, I need a nap....... but instead of napping, I found myself out on YouTube looking for old Tommy Cooper skits...

..... yeah, I know..... that is weird..... buy hey, welcome to my world........ and so now that I am off to cook dinner, I will leave you with a Cooper skit.... and two lovely Milligan examples....

.... first off, here's Tommy.......

... and here's a bit of ole Spike......

...... hey, what can I say?.... they certainly made ME laugh.......

..... anyhoo, I'm off to nibble shrimp and contemplate Great and Wonderful things until the Sun goes down....... so as Grandpa Walton said to Jeremiah Johnson on that snow-covered mountain peak back in 1972...... "I hope that you will..... fare well.."..... I'm off..... it is time to eat some shrimp.....

Read the Bullshit »

The people have spoken

I put up a poll the other day...

SWG_PublicHumiliationPoll.jpg

The results are clear...

SWG_PublicHumiliationPollResults.jpg

57 responses in about 36 hours. Not exactly rocking the vote, folks, but we're all painfully aware of how many hits this site gets from people searching for stuff like "squirrel sex", aren't we? So let's just skip over that and dwell for a minute on the fact that apparently only two voters felt that public humiliation of bloggers is wrong. Not too surprising to me. It certainly explains the never-ending photos/photoshops of me that appear on the net. And the fact that a photoshopped image of me graces a t-shirt. Oh, well...it's not like any potential employers in the IT field ever use the internet and are therefore likely to stumble across my picture, right? Besides, it'll make for a lovely way to break up those occasional lulls in the interview process.

Okay, back to the main topic here. It seems to me like an awful lot of you want some payback. Very well. Without further ado, I am proud to present to you a most strange beastie discovered in the mountain wilderness of north Georgia...

More Straight talk »

Read the Bullshit »

Ouch....

... today's Joke of the Day is courtesy of a Tall Cool Drink of Water....

... and wow... it's a doozy....

Read the Bullshit »

Ffffft.....

... morning, rubberneckers.... today's Joke of the Day was stolen from The Confabulator....

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,Fffff'
... and before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"

... now THAT is funny... I like the way that little girl thinks....

Read the Bullshit »

Joke of the Day...

.. heh... tripod...

.... it's a little long, but definitely worth reading....

Read the Bullshit »

Sinderella....

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

Cinderella replied, "I can't remember, exactly, ...Peter, Peter, something or other..."

.. hat tip to Loyal Reader Charlie..

Read the Bullshit »

From the Email..

... I just found this little goodie in my email inbox... but before I post it, I feel the need to interject a quick quote from Will Rogers... he was, after all, a wise, wise man... ole Willie once said... "The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has".. and he was right... oh, and that quote is from "The Illiterate Digest".. 1924...

... the tax proposed below?.. it will rival the income tax in liar creation.. on that, you can bet...

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, 2005 your penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:

10"- 12" Luxury Tax..........$30.00
8"- 10" Pole Tax.............$25.00
5"- 8" Privilege Tax.........$15.00
4"- 5" Nuisance Tax..........$3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

Sincerely,

Pecker Checker IRS

*****NOTE*****
We are still waiting for answers for the following questions: - Are there penalties for early withdrawals? - What if one's penis is self employed? - Do multiple partners count as a corporation? - Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes? - Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?

Read the Bullshit »

Hamasmobile...

... they guys over at Volkswagen have the right idea... small but tough, indeed...

... hat tip to The Paratrooper of Love, of course...

Read the Bullshit »

Joke of the Day...

... sound words of advice from the email.... yea, verily...

Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump (of course) didn't respond. The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire."

The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that; You really don't want to make him mad!"

"Rubbish," replied the younger alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.

"What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one. "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge. "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy," said the wise old alien. "When a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't mess with him."

.. hat tip to Charlie..

Read the Bullshit »

by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(3)
» The Universal Church of Cosmic Uncertainty links with: JOTD: 1/6/2005

heh...

... fresh from the morning's email....

oh_yeah.bmp

.. Santa, baby... indeed..

Read the Bullshit »

Joke of the Day...

.. fresh and juicy from this morning's email...

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have some joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry,' and that he's going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.

He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!"

The Monkey looks down and says "FUUUUUCK, DUDE....... how much water did you drink?"

Read the Bullshit »

by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(5)
» The Universal Church of Cosmic Uncertainty links with: JOTD: 12/9/2004

Joke of the Day...

... Fresh from the morning email...

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, Woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me.

"He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money tae be able tae affarrdany."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

Read the Bullshit »

Joke of the Day...

... courtesy of Strange Cosmos... enjoy, children...

How Manly Are You Quiz

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.

... the rest are in the extended entry...

More Straight talk »

Read the Bullshit »

..heh hehhe.. heh..

.... I'd have imagined that I could have went my entire life without seeing a sentence like this... I was wrong...

"I'm telling the lady, 'Get your kid away from my monkey!'" Seidler recalled."

Read the Bullshit »

Joke of the Day...

... once again, my e-mail inbox provides a wee bit of entertainment.... a little something to offend everyone...

possible headlines from the year 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.

Read the Bullshit »

Joke of the Day...

... fresh from the morning e-mail, something to offend everyone...

... new State Mottos... hey, don't blame me, I didn't write them...

More Straight talk »

Read the Bullshit »

by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(8)
» Bad Example links with: NEW STATE MOTTOS

Joke of the Day...

... gotta love those Cajuns... almost reminds me of some of people around here....

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were sitting in back of their trailers shooting the breeze. Bou ask Thib, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin an' made love to your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?" Thib scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't tink so.....but, it shore would make us even

... yeah, yeah... I know... but, be honest... isn't this the quality you have come to EXPECT around here?...

Read the Bullshit »

Joke of the Day...

Courtesy of Strange Cosmos....

The history lessons you didn't receive in High School....


Part I (the B.C. years)

3050 B.C. - A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business code of ethics.

2900 B.C. - Egyptians create Sphinx, one of Seven Great Wonders of the Ancient, but refuse to talk about it.

1850 B.C. - Britons announce Operation Stonehenge a success after arranging slabs in sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse scientists for centuries.

1785 B.C. - The first calendar is introduced by Babylonian scientists.

1768 B.C. - Babylonians experience winter in June.

776 B.C. - The world's first known money appears in Persia. World's first known counterfeiter appears in Persia next day.

525 B.C. - The first Olympics are held in Greece. USSR enters six footer with a mustache in women's shot put.

410 B.C. - Rome ends the practice of enslaving debtors, removing biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card.

404 B.C. - The Peloponnesian war enters 27th year because neither side can find a treaty writer who can spell Peloponnesian.

214 B.C. - Tens of thousands of Chinese people complete 1,500 mile long Great Wall. Neighbor's dog gets through.

1 B.C. - Calendar manufacturers argue over what to call next year.

More Straight talk »

Read the Bullshit »

Joke of the Day...

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.

The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself.

His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

Read the Bullshit »

Joke of the Day...

Sam and Bessie were an elderly couple. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home.

Walking proudly, he enters the house and says to his wife,"Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks,a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?! IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Ya shoulda bought a hat."

Read the Bullshit »

Joke of the Day

...e-mail is such a wonderous thing...

"On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me,"You should be hung."

I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass."

Read the Bullshit »

Joke of the Day..

....fresh from the email... my constant source of inspiration....

"Regarding the year 2000, a senior at Tennessee was overheard saying...

"when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Tennessee."

When asked why, he stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.

Read the Bullshit »

2nd Joke of the Day...

.... an oldie.. .but a goodie.... and, something that I can, once again, identify with...

southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

Read the Bullshit »

Joke of the Day...

I can totally understand this joke... on many levels...

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel in room 302."

The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me shit."

Read the Bullshit »