Jokers.......

...... so, having been raised in and around a very small town in the Tennessee Valley - just off the western slope of the Appalachians - I often hear stories from the locals that just make me shake my little red head.........

...... today I visited the local barber shop for my bi-monthly shearing and the following small talk by me morphed into something totally unexpected...... it was just we two, you see - the 73 year old barber and myself......... so, to the best of me recollection, the conversation wandered gently and steadily as described below.......

Me rising from the barber chair: ...... ahhhh, you always do the finest job, sir...... now my hair looks fine but I have to go home and curry this damnable beard...... say, are you ever called upon to shave folks very often?

Him, raising an eyebrow and placing his hand to his chin: ..... yannow, not a lot any more...... but back when I first started barbering, why, we'd have five shaves to every one haircut just about every single day..... yes, sir........

Me: ....wow, that is surprising!....... I guess it has just gone out of fashion as of late..... having folks go to the barber for a straight razor shave....... hell, I've only had a shave like that once..... I was in Bangladesh at the time the shave only cost me twenty-five cents...... scariest quarter I've ever spent, I'll tell you.....

Him:...... well, see, this was back when the railroad still carried passengers..... every stop they'd be walking in to get a quick shave before they made their final push on to Knoxville, Chattanooga, or Atlanta - depending on the direction the train was going...... yep, we'd have five shaves to every haircut........ say, that reminds me.......... I used to have a friend who would come in every single day for a shave back then...... he was a railroad detective for the L&N here in town.... real high roller.... rough customer....... anyway, he was in getting his shave one morning and Old Lost Tom came in......... Old Lost Tom was a guy who was left shell-shocked after WWI and he used to wander around town all day in beat-up old pants and his undershirt...... he was in a pretty bad way but everyone just left him be...... anyway, he sticks his head in the door one day and yells over to me, "hey, where can a man buy some rubbers around here?"....... well, I told him that he could go around the corner to Anderson's drugstore ..... all he had to do was ask the fellow at the back and he'd fix him right up......... well, let me tell you, that railroad detective never let me hear the end of that.........he thought it was almighty funny..... and once a day for the next two years he'd stick his head in the door and yell, "hey! got any rubbers? I need me some rubbers!"....... then, of course, he'd leave off laughing.... .and I would be left to explain the sordid story to my patrons - much to my embarrassment.......

Me: ...... he sounds like a character...... but I have a feeling that you broke him from that, eh?......

Him, moving through and taking a seat where the customers usually wait:...... well, it went like this....he did that trick one day when one of his fellow workers was getting his hair trimmed.... and after I explained the situation to him, he told me of a story that concerned my railroad detective friend...... it seems that he had been chatting up a certain young lady passenger on the train once and had been called away...... upon his leaving, his co-worker, having been looking for him, asked her if she knew his whereabouts....... "who", she had replied in her best Atlanta drawl, "that ole bull dick?? ..... why, railroad detectives are all the same.... he's likely in the caboose boozing!"...... well, see?...... detectives are "dicks"...... and railroad detectives are called "bulls"....... so, the street savvy lady had correctly titled him with a more than appropriate sobriquet, as they say....

Me:.. .... BWHHAAAHAHAHAHAHA..... good lord, baby Jesus........ what did you do?

Him: .....well, I did as his friend advised, of course........ the next time my railroad detective friend stuck his head in the door and yelled for the rubbers, I quickly replied, "why, you get out of here, you old bull dick! You know they ain't nothing around here that'll fit that scrawny pecker of yours!"......... and do you know what?......... after years of abuse?........ I only had to do that once, and he never tried that little trick again.........

Me: ..... sir, thank you for the haircut...... and thank you for the story........ I love the haircut, but I appreciate the tale much, much more.........

.... and with that, I left....... my goodness....... if you have never lived in a small southern town, you truly do not know the countless gems and treasures that you are missing out on daily......... you truly can't make this stuff up.....

by Eric on July 29, 2014 | Bullshit (8) | TrackBack (0) | SWG Stories
Bullshit So Far

These beauties... they come along less often these days, but they are the more wonderful for all that... thank you, Son!

Bullshitted by Elisson on July 29, 2014 08:00 PM

Ok, that had me laugh out loud. I love old stories like that.

Bullshitted by vwbug on July 30, 2014 06:10 AM

Ya learn somthin' every day.

Bullshitted by Lou on July 30, 2014 06:48 AM

I was in the chair at Moon Mullin's shop in Corinth - home from college or some such - and old Moon dropped a comb. Here let me sterilize that real quick, he says, and I'm thinking he'll plop it in the glass tankard of blue Barbicide and fish another one out.
He sticks it under his armpit for a couple of seconds and then goes back to combing.
I about fell out of the chair I was laughing so hard. No telling how much mileage old Moon got out of that maneuver in 50 years of barbering.

Bullshitted by Andy on August 2, 2014 08:54 PM

..... that's classic, Andy...... you just can beat small town, Old School barbers for their entertainment value....

Bullshitted by Eric on August 4, 2014 08:28 AM

Yep, you do learn something. I learned not to walk into a barber shop and ask for a rubber.... :)

Bullshitted by Bryan on September 4, 2014 09:19 AM

Still doing great writing. Have you tried to get a publisher yet?

Bullshitted by Mark Alexander on September 11, 2014 08:32 PM

.... thanks, Mark....... but no, I have not..... I have been pursuing my college degree in my spare time and have let the blog lapse a bit...... but I am very thankful for your kind words and your readership.......

Bullshitted by Eric on September 11, 2014 08:44 PM