Miss.....

.... so, last Christmas a strange thing happened to me..... I was asked by a local woman if I'd mind putting the top down on Blanche and driving Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus through town in the local Christmas parade...... I didn't mind, of course, and I spent a happy few hours idling across McMinn county with two plump, costumed old folks sitting in the back seat......

.... the backstory of how the lady actually tracked me down is a tale for another day.... suffice it to say that she didn't know me, and she had only seen my car a few times as I was driving around...... so she started making phonecalls and eventually figured out "who owned that beautiful car"...... indeed..... bizarre stuff, actually.... I live in a small enough town that people actually recognize my car.......

...fast forward to a few days ago...... I'm minding my own business making a sandwich when the telephone rings......

Me: .... Hello...
Her: Yes, hello. Is this Eric?
Me: ..... yes, ma'am..
Her: Great! You may not remember me, but I called you last year about using your car for Santa in the parade!
Me: ..... of course... yes, I remember you....
Her: I was just calling to see if you would be so kind and generous as to drive Santa again this year.
Me: ..... sure, ma'am...... but I have to tell you that, sadly, Blanche is no longer with us.....
Her:
Me: ..... ma'am?....
Her: I thought your wife's name was The Missus?
Me: ..... oh!.... of course it is!..... I named my CAR Blanche!....... I just meant that I have traded cars since last year!
Her: OH! Whew! HAHAHHA! So, you named your car Blanche? Is your new car a convertible as well?
Me: .... um, yeah...... I always name my cars..... so, to answer your question, yes... I still own a convertible.....
Her: And what is the dear's name, if I may ask?
Me: ...... my new ride is called Vivienne..... and it is safe to say that she is a wee bit different than Blanche.......
Her: She is? I loved your other car. She was so beautiful and elegant. Santa looked GREAT in her backseat.
Me: ..... thank you, ma'am.... but I need to warn you, Santa may not look that good in my new car....
Her: How so?
Me: .... well, she isn't white.... she's black..... and she isn't elegant..... she's naughty......
Her:
Me: .... see, I'm not so sure that I should be the guy to be hauling Santa around this year.... I don't mind, of course, but you need to know that he's not going to be in some "beautiful and elegant" car..... he's going to be riding in a sleek, sexy, BEAST of a vehicle.......
Her: Hmmmmm. Just a second, let me think.
Me: ...... I'm just saying, ma'am..... my new car is curvy and agressive..... she's a beauty.... Santa might look a little saucy, and I am not sure that's the effect you might be wanting for the parade.....
Her: Sexy, eh? Curvy, agressive, sleek? Hmmmm. Ok, then, how would you like to drive Miss Tennessee in the parade instead?
Me:..... Miss Tennessee is coming to our parade?...
Her: Yes, she is. And she is riding with you in your convertible. I'll put Santa on the hay wagon with the elves.
Me: ..... ummm.... ok...... I'd be happy to help......
Her: Right, that's off the checklist. Thank you, and we will see you on Friday! 5:30 sharp behind the swimming pool. Bye!

...... and just like that?..... Santa is on the hay wagon, and I am spending Friday evening driving Miss Tennessee in the annual Christmas parade....... I'm sure Vivienne is up for the task.....

.... I swear, you can't make this shit up....

by Eric on December 02, 2012 | Bullshit (13) | TrackBack (0) | Ummm, Ok....
Bullshit So Far

No one but you....

Bullshitted by Nancy F on December 2, 2012 12:35 PM

YOU STOLE MY CAR? BASTARD!

Bullshitted by James Hooker on December 2, 2012 12:45 PM

That is just pure awesome! :)

Bullshitted by Richmond on December 2, 2012 12:52 PM

I love it!!!

Bullshitted by Teresa on December 2, 2012 01:06 PM

Miss Tennessee...... Delightful, I am sure.

Bullshitted by Wollf on December 2, 2012 02:32 PM

So, what is wrong with old fat people riding in a sexy, beast car?

Bullshitted by Lou on December 2, 2012 03:56 PM

Holy crap. What a dang riot.

Santa in the hay wagon with the elves and Miss Tennessee in your backseat. Stuff like that only happens to you...

Bullshitted by Bou on December 2, 2012 06:03 PM

... crazy stuff, indeed...... it should prove to be an interesting evening.... I just have to remember to give Vivienne a nice, relaxing bath Friday afternoon before her performance.....

Bullshitted by Eric on December 3, 2012 08:34 AM

LOL! I'd choose the sexy beast

Bullshitted by wRitErsbLock on December 3, 2012 10:39 AM

LOL...yeah, you just can't make that stuff up...but you sure as hell can write it up! A good one Eric.

Bullshitted by John C on December 3, 2012 12:05 PM

From the Dirty Old Man files: Have Ms. T sit up on the back of the seat ... I'm just sayin'...


Bullshitted by wil on December 3, 2012 02:09 PM

I, for one, think that the Hay-Wagon is a much more appropriate place for Santa, Mrs. Santa, and their little horde of toy manufacturing homunculi. Vivienne needs Seat-Candy.

We will be expecting a full debrief, including photographs, after the event.

And no, you can't make this shit up.

Bullshitted by Elisson on December 4, 2012 09:44 AM

Dang... Wishin I was Miss Tennessee this year.

...Just sayin.

Bullshitted by Lacey on December 4, 2012 11:41 AM