Average.....

... in just about every single respect that my mind can imagine, I am an average guy.... I'm of a roughly average height and weight for an American of my generation.....I am 6'2" tall and 195lbs, but that is nothing compared to the giants that the United States is currently spewing out......... hell, I have an average education...... I drive an average car, although I do love her deeply..... I'm a freckled red-head as well who happens to be from The South...... and I've actually been told (on more than one occasion) that I look like I just stepped out of a Norman Rockwell painting...... jeans, tee-shirt, sneakers or saddle-shoes, crewcut hair and usually sporting a sunburn...... that's me.......

...... I even have an average genealogy, I suspect...... 1/8th American Indian and the rest a mishmash of Scots, Irish, English, and German......maybe some French and Dutch thrown in for good measure?........

.... and all in all, among other things, I am probably the most average human being that you will ever meet in your life........ and really, I am quite ok with that...... I am a blue jean wearing, freckled, redhead with a crewcut and a slight Southern drawl........

.... but, anyway, I bring this up, mainly, because of a conversation that The Missus instigated two nights ago....... and it has been rattling around in my noggin for the better part of that time to a greater or lesser extent......

...... we'd been watching "The Two Jakes" after having a few cocktails, when she turned unexpectedly to me on the couch and said, "Tell me who you think is sexy!"....

.... I was, of course, rattled slightly..... especially since I had just witnessed the scene where Jake told his "client" to "turn around, get down on your knees, put your ass in the air, and don't move until I tell you to."........ I mean, can you imagine?..... good god, Mr. Nicholson's character saying that and unzipping his fly at the same time?..... are you fucking kidding?...... who on earth was more fucking sexy than that poor, horny, confused lass kneeling there with her skirt pulled up, her garters unclipped, and her gazing back at Nicholson while he chewed his cigarette and fumbled with his belt?..... Jesus Christ......

..... so, as you would in a situation like that, I queried further..... "what do you mean, dear?.... sexy?...... as in who is attractive?...... who is pretty?..... who I would want to fuck?...... what do you mean by sexy?.... you can't just ask a question like that and expect someone to start blurting out names, babe..... 'sexy' doesn't work that way...... you must clarify before I can even being to answer a question like that honestly.".....

.... she flopped back in the seat, crossed her arms, and then harrumphed rather loudly while I let my eyes drift back to the film on the television......

.... "Ok, then....tell me who you think is beautiful."

..... "There is a big, big difference between beautiful and being sexy, woman.... do you understand that?.... surely you must understand that....... do women not feel the same as men in this regard?".....

.... she stared at me for a moment, and then she answered...... "I think Pierce Brosnan is sexy..".....

...... I nodded, of course..... what else was I to do?..... he is a pretty man, sure....... and I know that many women must think of him as being quite the fella....... but, really?.... well, I have known grilled squid who appealed to me more on a "fundamental" level than that Nancy boy ever did......... so, I cleared my throat.....

.... "yes," I said, "I can see how you would think that he is a sexy man..... he looks good in a tuxedo, he is (or was) James Bond, and he does have a lovely accent...... sure, Pierce Brosnan..... cool...... "....

.... I left the conversation exactly at that..... I was finished and had nothing further to add.... .but then she asked me again....... "so, who do YOU think is sexy?".......

..... I was beginning to feel a bit out of sorts by the questioning, I guess...... and then I finally just said, "look, sexy is not a thing..... sexy is not A Body...... sexy is not a piece of meat to be used however you see fit...... Sexy is a State Of Mind, woman.... sure, there are people that I can see and admire..... and there are women that I can look at and enjoy viewing...... BUT, do I consider them sexy?.... no...... I do not....... for me to consider anyone "sexy" means that I not only enjoy what I see, BUT that I also know them.... I know what is on their mind... I know how they think.... I know what they want...... sure, in some cases we transpose our own ideas onto how someone might be if we ever met them, but in all of those cases the MIND is involved......... Sexy does not - and never will - simply equate to someone being a perfectly proportioned piece of meat...."....

... and then, yet again, she pushed me...... "so, using your definition, who do you find attractive?.... who do you think is the perfect woman?.... Angelina Jolie?..... Michele Pfeiffer?...... who?..... "

...... and to be honest, it took me a very, very long time to answer her that last time..... and the whole time that I was thinking, I knew that she had missed the point entirely.....

.... finally I said, "well, if you were to ask me who the most attractive woman in the world is, I would have to say Liz Taylor at 18 years of age..... when she played opposite Paul Newman in "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof"..... good god, she was perfect.... "

... "Ok.... I agree that Liz Taylor was gorgeous when she was young..... but who else?".....

... and thus began the litany of attractive females that I was forced to list........ some of which might amuse you, and some of which might horrify you as much as they did The Missus.... but, either way, here they are.......

... Donna Reed in "It's a Wonderful Life"...... can you not just imagine Jimmy Stewart making her toes curl once they'd put the kids to bed and the fire was lit, and the Angel had paid all the bank's bills?..... good god, I bet he nailed the living shit out of Donna after Kapra yelled 'cut'......can you imagine?.... I bet she was an absolute tiger when the lights went down..... did I just ruin your next Christmas evening's family entertainment?..... I certainly hope not, because, well, what I said is most likely the complete and honest truth.......

.... Liz Taylor in "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof"... hey, statement of fact, people..... NO ONE wears a neck-length haircut like she does in that movie.... and no one wears a little white slip like she does either, if my mind recollects correctly......... and her neck is a thing of absolute beauty... good god, a well turned neck is something to behold...... too bad Brick was gay, eh?.... otherwise he would have noticed the gentle swell of her hips and how that fabric clung to her at each movement instead of haranguing Big Daddy during his final hours...... but, well, that's Tennessee Williams for you....... in retrospect, it is a Grand Wonder that they cast Liz Taylor in that role to begin with.......

.... if Williams had has his way, I suspect Liz would have been a lot more butch......... but, I digress.....

.... Marilyn Monroe when she was stuck half-way in and half-way out of that porthole in "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"...... (I have never been much of a blonde fan myself, but having those ends of Marilyn hanging in mid-air and helpless?... immobilized, even?.... well, good god..... the possibilities are absolutely endless...) ..... that scene, in itself, is the Singular moment in most men's young lives when they truly wish that they could bend time, space, and physical boundaries and REALLY be in two places at one time........ and those two times would be on either side of that bulkhead where she was dangling, dear friends.......... BOTH sides......

... next up, Nancy Travis in "Three Men and a Little Lady"........ hey, who doesn't like a cute, well-groomed MILF?...... and she had a sweetness about her that just made you want to bring her buttered toast in bed every morning after she had put up with your snoring all night long....... there is just something about her that makes her seem like Mom, you know?....... well, not YOUR Mom..... but that cute, sexy Mom of your best friend who always patted your head and gave you an extra cheese sandwich before she secured your floaties and pushed you off into the swimming pool......... the swimming pool of life, as it turns out, but still, you are both there in recent memory...... AND she put up living with Three Men..... so, that also insinuates a bit of a kinky side to ole Nancy......

..... and we cannot forget a very recent addition either.... on Miss Katherine Heigl in "The Ugly Truth"....... god, when she is wearing the remote control vibrating kickers at the business dinner party?....... and the toddler finds - and starts pushing the buttons on the remote control?....... well, that particular scenario is just beyond words........ losing control - or giving up control - has got to be one of the sexiest things EVER........ right?........ sexy is all about the Trust and the Giving.... and the Letting Go......... trust me..... I've owned many of Milo Manara's original artworks for years - and I have thoroughly enjoyed them, but that scene from "The Ugly Truth" and the first of his graphic novels in the "Click" series?...... well, let me just say that whomever wrote "The Ugly Truth" must also be a huge closet Milo Manara fan......... because, really, he certainly deserves the credit for the whole "Click" scene.....

....and Penelope what's-her-name from "Kindergarten Kop"...... you know, the school teacher with the flower-patterned skirt and the curly reddish-blonde hair?......... she looked so adorably innocent even though she was a bad girl underneath........ good god...... what kind of a school teacher marries a gangster, flees for her life, and then falls in love with Arnold Schwarzenegger?...... still, she did look a bit like a librarian..... and, well, I have always had a thing for them.......

.... see?..... what is pretty?...... what is beautiful?...... and what is sexy?....... to be honest, I think the last of my references fucked The Missus up the most, but really, in what way should I really care about this whole circumstance to begin with?......... who we want, what we want, and WHY we want it is all in the eye of the beholder, yes?....

.... I could name a million people (men and women) that I think are handsome or beautiful..... and I could probably name ten women off the top of my head that I think are sexy..... and believe it or not, most of the ten women that I would name as being sexy would never appear on the "beautiful" list....... these two thing may be the same from time to time, but they are NOT always exclusive........

.... for each of us there is A One who we cling to, crave, want, and long for...... and as the tides of things come and go, we see handsome men and women - and we recognize them...... and we see sexy women and men....... and we notice them as well......... but really, for me at least, no matter what comes and does as the scene of my life rolls by, there will always be only one........

..... some women are sexually attracted to men that most would see as average...... but in spite of their overall looks, they might have a smell, a manner of dress, a way of talking, a sense of humor, a look, a way of carrying themselves, or another kind of trigger that makes them look a bit sideway at them and say, 'hmm'...... so how can one quantify that?.... I think Mr. Normal over there is quite the sexy beast."..... the powers of attraction are still a curious thing to both man AND woman, folks, but yet, there they are.......

.... I know that I am rambling, but really, this is something that I have been thinking about for a very long time.......

.... look, you can be the prettiest girl in the world, or the most handsome man in the world, but that doesn't mean that you are worth the time for a good, hard fuck..... beauty is something that is transitory with time, folks......... but sexy?...... sexy is something that you will have with you for the rest of your life......

.... sexy is not a look, friends....... Sexy is an attitude...... and those of us who have seen it will never, ever forget it........ good god, those of us who have seen it first hand will never, EVER forget it.....

.... True Love is life-changing.......

by Eric on May 26, 2010 | Bullshit (7) | TrackBack (0) | Ummm, Ok....
Bullshit So Far

Back in my younger days, a male friend told me that I was cute, but not foxie. It really pissed me off - to this day. But, it was his stupidity and loss.

I can't imagine what my husband finds attractive in this 52 year old body, but he makes me feel sexy, and therefore, I am.

Bullshitted by Lou on May 27, 2010 07:03 AM

Shovel Boy...you are anything but AVERAGE...that's why we get along.

Bullshitted by Yabu on May 27, 2010 07:03 AM

Your very first answer should have been "You, Honey, you turn me on more than any other woman in the world".

Bullshitted by hoosierboy on May 27, 2010 08:49 AM

Cote de Pablo

As only Jerry Reed could phrase properly.... "Son!"

Bullshitted by BloodSpite on May 27, 2010 12:05 PM

My Love, is a 5' 10", long haired (bald on the noggin), biker looking Dude, with conservative values and morals. Scottish and Native Indian is his heritage. Some find (and have stated to me), that what in the world I find sexy about him, they have no clue. I just laugh. It's all in the eye of the boholder is absolutely true. He is just soooooooooo sexy to me. Beautiful, good looking? He is not. But sexxxxxxy as all get out.

I've had gal friends, once after they get to know him, say, "Why, yes, he is sexy as hell."

I giggle and beam with pride.

Bullshitted by jw on May 27, 2010 03:28 PM

I thought they taught Gyrines about mines in advanced training?

Bullshitted by wil on May 28, 2010 08:17 PM

".... sexy is not a look, friends....... Sexy is an attitude...... and those of us who have seen it will never, ever forget it........ good god, those of us who have seen it first hand will never, EVER forget it.....

.... True Love is life-changing....... "

Amen, bruthuh!

Bullshitted by Elisson on May 29, 2010 09:32 PM