Nuts!.....

.... driving into town this afternoon in search of potatoes for baking, I happened by the decrepit office that had once been Doc Kincaid's old stomping ground.....and I was immediately reminded of the time, years ago, when he offered to castrate my brother and I - free of charge...........

.... once upon a time Mr. Kincaid had been the local go-to guy when it came to any livestock emergency that might befall the McMinn County citizens....... your priceless Holstein down with the gas?.... he was your man...... your horse acting funky?..... just call ole Doc..... your sow having trouble brooding?....... Kincaid would come a'running to sort it all out...... puppy swallowed a thumb tack?.... Doc had a magnet and some lube....... he truly was quite remarkable.......

... on the other hand, he was also quite disturbing in his physical appearance as best that I can recall...... rather short and slim, he had swarthy skin and thick, wiry grey hair that stuck straight out all over his head..... and with a dribbling trail of brown tobacco juice trailing steadily through his grayish-blue beard, he was always quite the sight to behold..... especially if he had a scalpel in his hands......

... Mother, of course, had absolutely nothing to do with him in any way, form, or fashion......

... I guess that the ways of a backwoods veterinarian left him wanting in both the fragrance and self-grooming departments..... and besides, during the few times that I ever clapped eyes on the man he was forever coated in a fine sheen of some type of mammal's dung......

.... I suppose that the whole manure thing AND the tobacco juice beard was just more than my poor mother could bear, in retrospect......

.... anyway, I was reminded today of the last time that I saw The Doctor...... my Father had built a pen out of 2X10s that he'd scavenged off of the old Sweetwater trestle.... and my Godfather had donated four little piglets from his farmyard collection as a birthday present for my father....... and so, within the span of a weekend, my small little family became pig farmers for the summer.......

.... if you've never raised a pig, well, consider yourself quite lucky...... and even though our family foray into pig farming only lasted a few months, I quickly learned enough about pigs to know that I only wanted to eat them..... the whole raising, feeding, watching, and processing was something meant for far stronger beings that either me or my little brother......

.... it's a bit convoluted, really, this story and those poor piggies lives..... but I will cut to the chase.... see, originally we'd been slated to raise these pigs - in their little pen - from the summer through to the following autumn - 18 months hence, when the pigs would have been at their most tasty weight for butchering..... but due to the fact that once they'd grown for a month they could now leap easily out of my Father's fancy pen, the met their fate much sooner than originally imagined......

..... my Father worked away from home all week and was only home on the weekend...... and meanwhile, my Mother basically was a working single-mom of two for the rest of the week..... and the LAST thing she wanted to do with her spare time was to help her two children chase escaped pigs around the undergrowth of the sprawling country countryside....... so, that first autumn while dad was at work, she made the call...... the butchers came and slaughtered all four of the underage hogs right there in the back yard..... and when Dad returned home that weekend, she made a point to fry up a large tray of sausage for him at breakfast..... and that was the end of my Father's toe-dipping into being a pig farmer....... Momma was pissed....

... but back to Doc Kincaid and the piglets........ I remember Dad making the call the VERY next day after Mr. Jennings had given him those four piglets.... he called up the Doc and told him that he had three little boars that needed castration so that he could raise them for pork..... well, Doc was on the job..... and he arrived the following Saturday morning with a handful of rubber bands in one hand and a scalpel in the other....... I was completely unable to understand what he was about to do..... until I saw him put the bands around the testicles, twist the rubber, and place the taught bands around them a second time.......

..... today on my way into town for lunch, I passed his abandoned old shop and remembered that story...... and how we all stood there watching him as he prepared those three poor boar hogs..... how their flesh bulged as the circulation was cut off..... how the sack changed colors and the veins above the rubber bands bulged as he waited, waited, and waited...... and how he stoically glanced back at Joshua and I, spat, wiped his nasty beard on his sleeve, and said, "you boys pay attention now...... it may look painful, but trust me, it really isn't..... and if either of you want me to spare you a lifetime of pain, disappointment, mistrust, jealousy, and hate?..... well, I can do the same to either of you in less than five minutes....... and I promise you that you won't feel a thing....... "

.... I was shocked and awed.....

... just then the piglet squealed bloody murder as his blade slid silently between the two orbs, and Doc giggled...... he took a quick look back at me and smiled.... "well, it may smart just a BIT, but you'll be grateful to me in the long run!"......

..... Dad thought the whole scene was quite the riot, and he kidded us about it for years........ but I will tell you this.... neither Josh NOR I thought it was funny in the least........

.... country boys, folks.... we aren't HALF as dumb as you think we are..... and you can TRUST me on THAT one.....

by Eric on April 29, 2010 | Bullshit (9) | TrackBack (0) | SWG Stories
Bullshit So Far

Great story and well told - so much so that I read the parts about elastic band around the nutsack and and slicing "between the two orbs" with my teeth clenched and my legs pressed together. I damned near squealed too.

Bullshitted by Jim - PRS on April 29, 2010 09:57 PM

Well done!!!

Bullshitted by Yabu on April 30, 2010 07:54 AM

I'm on your Momma's side.

Bullshitted by Jean on April 30, 2010 09:12 AM

OMG - your Sainted Mother rocks! And that was an awesome (and gruesome) story. Goodness!

Bullshitted by Richmond on April 30, 2010 10:50 AM

*blink!*

I'm still digesting this piece... Good Lord.

Bullshitted by Bou on April 30, 2010 03:00 PM

Rubber bands? Not on our pig farm. One guy held the pig (and usually got bit) and the other cut the nuts off with a dull scalpel. Took about 30 seconds tops. We might spray a little purple antiseptic on the wound afterwords if we had some.

Ahhh, sweet memories!

Bullshitted by Jerry in Indiana on April 30, 2010 10:06 PM

Men are from Mars; castratos are from Venus.

Bullshitted by Elisson on May 2, 2010 12:08 PM

Well told as always. Yes the farm life education was quite something…from the little gadget for applying the small rubber bands on the little lamb’s nuts to the clunk&crunch of the giant burdizzo for the larger bovines…the thought alone still brings tears to the eyes after 50 years!!! Legs tightly crossed!

Bullshitted by John C on May 3, 2010 09:57 AM

I have knowledge of a farmer who both row cropped and raised hogs. One day he was in a pen with a brood sow and her little ones. He was grabbin' up the piglets and handing them to one of his hands who would vaccinate them.
It was a routine he'd carried out hundreds of times before but on this occasion the sow took offense and turned on him. She grabbed him in his crotch and in less than a second turned him into a eunuch. He damn near bled to death before they could get him to a hospital. Turn about's fair play I reckon.

Bullshitted by Tbird on May 3, 2010 08:18 PM