..... a week ago I discovered that I had a happy family of black carpenter ants making their way into my spare bedroom for late-nite drinks of water..... and while I do consider myself a most gracious host who truly enjoys entertaining visitors of all kinds, I just couldn't abide with them munching away on my flooring joists & bunking in my insulation uninvitedly....... and so, as you do, I rang up the local exterminator-type folks........

...... and upon their arrival at The Compound here, I was sheepishly told that I am also harboring a healthy family of termites as well..... Marvon's verdict?....... a cool 700 bones to rid myself of every manner of creepy-crawly that one can imagine might one day in the future harsh my proverbial mellow....

...... who knew that a couple thousand million insects could create such a havoc?..... and I'm not 100% sure, but I bet that I could probably have myself drop-shipped an anteater from Darkest Africa for less than 700 bucks.....

.... or maybe get one of you Texican readers to mail me an armadillo.... don't those things eat ants and termites?.... hell, I could just lock it in the crawlspace and let it nibble itself all the ants and termites it could locate.....

.... I wonder what kind of license one would need to own an African anteater anyway.......

by Eric on March 06, 2010 | Bullshit (8) | TrackBack (0) | Ummm, Ok....
Bullshit So Far

I sometimes wonder about how...uh...legit some of those exterminators actually are. I once had an infestation of some small bug on my property, so I called out a couple of different companies to get estimates.

Well, the first one said to me: "Your problem isn't the water bugs. No Ma'am...what you've got here is a problem of XYZ. We'll have to fix those problems to get rid of the water bugs. And to do that, we'll have to set up monthly visits for $$$."

Then the next guy came and told me those weren't water bugs at all, they were some other kind of bug. He could fix those in one shot, but he just knew that I had an underlying problem of some other kind of bug. Oh...and rats too. But he'd have to set up a quarterly account to get rid of any of my problems.

Soooo....I did the most sensible thing: I went to the hardware store and bought a gallon of bug spray, and hosed the place down. To this day, I've never had a problem with those bugs. Haven't seen a one.

So...exterminators? Take what they say with a grain of salt. And a gallon of bug spray!

Bullshitted by DogsDontPurr on March 6, 2010 06:46 PM

Well, before 1994, you could buy one over the counter at your local hardware store, but when Congress passed it's AWB (Anteater Weapons Ban) you had to wait 7 days before you could buy one, and only get low capacity models (tiny tummies). Of course, that has now expired, so most places you can get them with a valid ID and fill out a Form 4473a (anteater). Of course, I am not a lawyer, so you will need to check to make sure that you are not under restrictions that limit you to pre-ban anteaters born before 1994, just to be safe.

Bullshitted by Tommy on March 6, 2010 08:03 PM

If you live south of the M-D line then you may as well assume you have termites. If you don't trust the exterminator, wait until the first day of temps above 80. If you see termits swarming out of the ground for a love dance, you got problems.

Or, like me, you could come home one day to discover termites swarming IN your house, fixed to the windows, clinging to the curtains trying to get out.

And discover your furniture has been chewed by the lovley critters as well.

Bullshitted by Joan of Argghh! on March 6, 2010 09:05 PM

Got 'em here last year. We went into the rec room one day, where along the baseboards there were hundreds and thousands of tiny little dead bodies... all on our hardwood floor. I wish it had been $700. I think for what I paid, I could have shipped a whole anteater family.

We got rid of them, but not without the bug man arguing with me, wanting to tear up places of my hardwood floor so he could get in between the main house and our addition.... for another cool $1000. Plus I'd have to pay the hardwood guy to come out and fix the damage done by the bug guy. I said, "ummm. No. We'll take our chances."

We'll see.

Bullshitted by Bou on March 6, 2010 09:42 PM

True DIY bug story:

We answered a call when I was in the FD to what appeared to be a house explosion.

The lady explained to us she had a roach problem. So instead of one can of bug bomb, she figured an even dozen should do the trick. She locked them open and set them in the kitchen.

Blew the back door, three windows, and part of an exterior wall right off the house when the pilot light on the water heater ignited the fog.

Bullshitted by Andy on March 6, 2010 09:54 PM

..... great stories, all..... and I thank you for all of your stories....... but I still can't believe that no one busted me on "uninvitedly"........

Bullshitted by Eric on March 6, 2010 10:56 PM

You need to go all Wrath-Of-God on the termites ASAP. All the lumber on the back side of the house had to be replaced bit-by-bit due to those little SOB's moving in and setting up a buffet. When we yanked off the drywall and pulled the 8"x8" solid beam from across the entrance to the den, you could have picked it up with two fingers, it was so tunneled through by those bastard termites.

I'll keep an eye out for an armadillo. Yabu and Stretch the WonderWiener have first dibs on one, though.

Bullshitted by El Capitan on March 8, 2010 12:26 PM

A vexacious problem indeed. Had the carpenter ants about 10 years ago. The house, not me personally. They're too small and too many of 'em to shoot.

Bullshitted by Cappy on March 9, 2010 04:02 AM