Scents.....

..... so I walk into the mall today, make my way to the second floor, and find an absolutely empty perfume store......... the shelves are lined with hundreds of bottles.... there are displays scattered around the one-room shop, but no proprietor is to be seen..... I take a step inside and I'm instantly bombarded by a hundred different scents........

.. it was eerie......

.... I stood quietly in one place and surveyed the goods decked out on the stacks and stacks of shelves...... Dolce Gabana - 129.00........ Paris Hilton's Funk - 29.99........ Obsession, Mélange, Twist, Kiss, Ewwww....... they had them all........ but there seemed to be no one to sell them to me!....

.... I even turned at one point to make sure that there were other mall denizens wandering about outside lest I had accidentally found myself in one of those abandoned mall Zombie scenes that you see so often, and sure enough, there were plenty of folks waltzing by the door of the perfume shop without a care in the world...... and that did make me feel a bit better.........

..... so I wander a bit deeper into the shop - feeling quite concerned and anxious - only to finally have an attendant jump up out of hiding just as I reached the deepest part of the shop to scare the hell out of me.....

"Oh, my!", says she.... "I had no idea you were in the shop!".....

..... "well, ma'am, I had no idea that YOU were in the shop either!".....

"Well, what can I do for you, young man?"...

... "Ummm, well, that is a good question."....

"Do you know what you want?"...

..... "well, kinda..... then again, I am a bit open to suggestion.... look, here's the situation, ok?.... you tell me what you think that I should do..." ......

"Okay."

... "I need some perfume.".....

"Well, that is absolutely wonderful, sir, since this is a perfume shop! What can I do for you?"

.... "No, you don't understand...... see, I asked my Missus what perfume she wore just prior to Valentine's Day, and she said 'none'..... and when I asked her why, she said that it was The Man's duty to buy perfume for The Woman..... just as it was the Woman's job to buy cologne for the Man....... and that the last time I had bought her perfume was on our honeymoon in Nice, France fifteen years ago........ so, what perfume did she wear?....... None... .because she had been out of perfume for 13 years....... evidently the bottle that I had bought her back in 1994 was a pretty big bottle...".....

"Wait. Your wife hasn't worn perfume in 13 years?"

..... "evidently....... hey, who knew!?!".......

"And she was, what, waiting for you to buy it for her?"

.... "well, that's the skew I was getting from her reaction, how about you?"....

"And she never took it upon herself to buy her OWN perfume?"

...... "evidently not, ma'am...... so, that's why I'm here..... it's February 19th, and trust me, I have JUST become aware of The Problem.... "....

"Wow. But, hey, how sweet that you are buying your wife perfume for no reason, ummm, other than she doesn't actually have any perfume....that's kinda romantic.."

..... "well, hey, I do what I can, you know?........ and when I see a problem, I always try to fix it as soon as possible..." ......

"Indeed, sir. 13 years, huh? Wow. So! What shall we choose today?"

...... it was at this point that I remembered distinctly buying that vial of perfume in Nice back in 1994......

.... "De Issey for Women, please!..... " ...

"An excellent choice, sir, it is always quite popular. Here, here it is! That'll be 97.50."

.... I handed her my credit card and she began processing the transaction....

"you know, David - (looking at the name on my credit card), it really is quite nice that you are buying your wife perfume for no particular occasion.... really, that IS quite sweet...... she should be so lucky to have 'romance' back in her life after fifteen years!"...

..... "Well, I don't know about romance, ma'am...... I'm just trying to give her something that she wants.... and honestly?...... well, I thought that the smell of fabric softener and shampoo smelled just fine..... if I'd known that she wanted perfume before, I would certainly have bought it long before now!..." .....

"Well, David, this calls for a celebration! Let me gift wrap it for you so that she'll know how special the occasion is! After all, today is just Friday the 19th of February..... and there is nothing special about today except that you are thinking of her!".....

.... "ok.... and hey, no one calls me David....... my Grandfather was David..... I go by Eric...."

"Ahhh, ok. Here, we're almost finished, just let me wrap this up."

.... I stood there not knowing what to do while she gift wrapped the hundred buck bottle of fragrance....... and then, in a blink, she was finished....

"You know, David, I was just reading about you when you walked up.".....

..... "Excuse me?........ what did you just say?"....

"I said that I was just reading about you, David.... in the Bible.... I was sitting over there in the corner reading the Bible when you walked in. I guess I was so engrossed in reading that I didn't hear you walk into the shop. But, yeah, I was reading about David. See?"....

.... at this point she whips out a Bible from just below the little scanner where she swipes the credit cards and points to a passage: "See! Saul has just killed himself and David is just about to become King of Judea!"...

... "Wow, ma'am..... that is just too cool....... but, hey, I go by 'Eric'.... as I said, my Grandpa was David......... "....

"Oh! That's ok!. I just thought it was a weird coincidence!"....

..... I left as soon as possible, and made my way back to the car with my loot.......

...... so, tonight when we get home I present the bag to The Missus......

.... she opens it up and sees the little bottle of Issey Miyake's finest and then looks straight back up at me - who, I might add is smiling widely.......

"Wow", says she....

..... "I know!!!!..... you said that you were out - that you didn't have any more! - and I bought you some!... don't you like it!!??!!".....

"IT IS ISSEY MIYAKE, dude."

.... "yes!!... just like I bought you in Nice 15 years ago!".....

"Did it never cross your mind that I might want something different after all these years?"......

..... "ummm...... no, not really........ oh, fuck....... I'm sorry... ".....

"No, no.... it smells nice.... Thank You.".....

...... folks, men need to be TOLD things, ok?........ if you want something, tell them.... if you don't want something, then say that as well...... hints are good and fine..... JUST as long as you remember that hints are just that.... they are "hints"...... if you want not to be disappointed, then do more than just hint...... even after 15 years, we can't read your mind.......

..... not even with the help of a bible-reading perfume saleswoman.......

by Eric on February 19, 2010 | Bullshit (13) | TrackBack (0) | Ummm, Ok....
Bullshit So Far

You are so right. Also there are some things that us women should just buy ourselves because it's too specific. Alan knows that he is not allowed to buy me clothes, perfume, or any kind of beauty product. Although, every once in a while, I'll ask him to pick me up something if he's going to the store anyway, but his response is always "No, nope...too many specifics!" Smart man.

Bullshitted by DogsDontPurr on February 19, 2010 10:00 PM

I'm with DDP. My husband will venture out to buy me clothes, but only if I say, "I like THIS store, THESE colors, and THIS style." No perfume for me as it makes me sick. And he can't buy me make up. It's all a bit too personal for me. He actually bought me pajamas for Christmas. I am having to take them back... and it's not to offend him, but he bought me long pants pajamas and I'm short, something that NEVER occurred to him. He didn't stick to my rules... (I'm all about saving receipts!)

Bullshitted by Bou on February 19, 2010 11:21 PM

I got a bottle of BRUT for Christmas, which I saw later on a shelf at Target for 5.99. I have yet to open it.

Bullshitted by gooseneck on February 19, 2010 11:41 PM

Fake a winning lottery ticket and give her the cash for "HER"
You as a male is not evolved enough, even if you like poetry.
Oom Nic

Bullshitted by keeskennis on February 20, 2010 08:19 AM

Halfway through the post I started thinking I am a total heel. In 26 years of marriage I have never bought my wife a bottle of perfume. What if she is also waiting on me to do the right thing?

Then, at the end, I know I am right. If she wanted some perfume bad enough, she would go buy it. And it would be the right kind.

I do not like perfume anyway. It makes me sneeze.

Bullshitted by hoosierboy on February 20, 2010 09:45 AM

After 29 years my wife has realized that without SPECIFIC instruction I will not buy certain things for her. If it is clothing I make our daughter come with as I have zero fashion sense. I am also somewhat sensitive to certain scents so perfume is rare. I like vanilla based scents. She says it is because they make her smell like cookies. Guilty as charged ma'm.

Bullshitted by Rey B on February 20, 2010 11:50 AM

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.

Coco Mademoiselle, by Chanel.
(just in case there is a slight chance that someone reads here who might care and feel generous...heh)
Wait...actually, I'd prefer they bought something from my Pondering store and liked it!

Bullshitted by Jean on February 20, 2010 12:24 PM

No offense, but the wearer should buy the fragrance for his/her own self. I'm very particular about what I wear, and wouldn't want someone to drop a large chunk of change on something I might wear only once if I don't like it. And I'M the one that has to live with the stuff I dab on wrists, temples and behind the ears day in and day out.

Plus, you shouldn't have to be a mind reader on this. Sorry, she's not being fair here. (And you know I normally adore your lovely lady.)

Bullshitted by Omnibus Driver on February 20, 2010 12:58 PM

.... back up, folks..... this post was written with as much tongue-in-cheek as I could muster......

... should men and women communicate?..... of COURSE... god knows that most don't...... and we do....

.... secondly, I disagree with you guys on a few levels here....... I believe that if my mate picks out a fragrance for me, then I should wear it....... if she wants me to smell a certain way, why would I deny her that?.....

... and by the same token, why would she not smell like I wanted her to smell?......

.... the key is this, I guess..... I would never FORCE my will on my mate... and she would never force hers on me...... so if she bought me perfume that I didnt really like?...... I would still wear it anyway because I thought it was making her happy.......

..... and in the end, I would expect the same turn of favor from my mate when I bought her something.....

.... fortunately, she LOVES De Issey's perfume..... so there is no problem there...... she just had imagined that I might have chosen something different......

.... but I didnt..... and I still like the way that it smells....

Bullshitted by Eric on February 20, 2010 09:58 PM

As I read this I was thinking, "You should never send a man to buy panty-hose - even when you give him great instructions, it will be wrong."

Bullshitted by Lou on February 21, 2010 08:24 AM

Liewe Neef Eric,
Ek is so om en by 19 jare ouer as jy.
Jy moet vinnig leer as jy wil bykom.

A ROUGH TRANSLATION.
It can only be rough as Afrikaans have more nuance than most.

"Dear cousin Eric,
I am about 19 years older than you."
Up to this point the translation is pretty direct. Now for the next nuanced translation.
"Hey Boykie, wake the *uck up, you are 36 years old/young. In the next 12 years you will learn more about yourself than in the last 36.
That means input to be absorbed at three times the rate."
Gettting older is big FUN.


Bullshitted by keeskennis on February 21, 2010 10:54 AM

LOL - I was waiting for that end.

BTW - David... Bibles... OMG ROFLMAO.

Bullshitted by Teresa on February 21, 2010 10:32 PM

This is such a perfect Straight White Tale on so many levels...

...I can hear the whole Sales Exchange in my head as I read the post. Too damn funny.

Perfume is a very personal sort of purchase, but that's what makes it such a fine gift. Provided, of course, that you know what the recipient likes. In our case, the Missus is allergic to most perfumes, and so I am denied the pleasure of purchasing stinkum for her.

And this part is priceless:

"Did it never cross your mind that I might want something different after all these years?"......

..... "ummm...... no, not really........ oh, fuck....... I'm sorry... ".....

No good deed, my friend, ever goes unpunished.

Bullshitted by Elisson on February 22, 2010 10:31 AM