.... I am a fairly laid back fellow, really.... relaxed, chilled, mellow, etc... and it usually takes quite a ruckus to get a rise out of me..... that said, I simply cannot abide a bloodcurdling scream..... sirens, church bells, trains honking at crossings, firearms going off, whacked-out drummers, it's all good.... I don't even mind hearing a good, lungy shout every once in a while.... but let somebody break loose with a terrified shriek, and every cell in my freckled body goes on alert....

.... it's not the actual sound, per se, but more the idea that if someone is afraid enough to scream, then there is probably good reason for ME to be afraid too.... and add to the general mayhem that while they are terrified, I have no idea what danger or fearful thing is posing such a threat nearby!!.... so yes, an unexpected shriek of terror slams me with a hair-twitching double whammy....

.... I mention this because of an incident yesterday, of course.....

.... I had just returned inside from carrying a glass of wine out to the hammock where The Missus was happily reading a book when it happened....

.... just as buttocks met leather in the comfort of the blogroom, a scream of epic proportions rang out from my back yard... and assuming that a monster, zombie, landshark, rapist, murderer, rattlesnake, coyote, black bear, Cyclops, or serial killer was in the process of messing with The Missus, I leapt into action...... immediately armed, I rounded the corner into the kitchen just as a breathless, wide-eyed, wild-haired Scottish woman jerked the door open..... and after a once-over assessment to see that she wasn't bleeding and was neither covered in claw, fang, or gunshot wounds, I inquired.....

.... "what's wrong?"....
"ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod."
..... "easy now.... who do I need to kill?"....
"something.... something.... something, I just don't know"
...."what the hell are you talking about?"
"I was reading and something suddenly hit me in the stomach and then went 'POP!'"
...... "how big was it?... where is it now?"...
"I only saw it for a second. I've never seen anything like it before. I was kinda like a bug, but it had these huge eyes!"
...."huge eyes?"....
"yep. Huge.Staring.Eyes..... it landed on my stomach and then went 'POP!' and then jumped a few times."
...." wow..... this I just gotta see..... "

..... sure enough, it was still sitting there on the hammock when we walked back out....

.... and so, ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to a Alanus Oculatus.... or, as we like to call'em here in the backwoods of Tennessee, an Eastern Eyed Click Beetle..... sucker was an inch and a half long and quite pretty, really, once you realized that it was incapable of biting, stinging, or otherwise causing any bodily harm to man or beast.....

.... I ended up just swishing it off of the hammock and peace and calm soon returned..... and much more lounging was soon taking place.....

... but wow..... there sure was an adrenalin rush there for a while.... I guess there's just nothing that quite punctuates a balmy Sunday afternoon quite like a bloodcurdling scream.....

by Eric on June 09, 2008 | Bullshit (15) | TrackBack (0) | Ummm, Ok....
Bullshit So Far

Heh- we call 'em click bugs.... we have them here, but a little smaller, and more brown than black.

And I hate insects- bugs- hate them with a passion.....I would've screamed bloody murder, too!

Bullshitted by Rave on June 9, 2008 10:50 AM

Not only would I, like Rave, have screamed bloody murder, I'd also probably require a fresh change of knickers.

Bullshitted by Erica on June 9, 2008 01:11 PM

I had to look through your list of things that it could be and make sure you had zombie listed. Heh. You do.

That's just a frickin' ugly scary beetle. I'm sorry, but it is. Nature did a good job with its coloring and pattern. Big black beetles? I'd swish it away. That one? It would get a jump and holler as I did the same. Blech.

The only bug that will truly make me scream and freak out, absolutely freak out, is a flying palmetto bug. Gah! Just the thought of them makes my damn skin crawl.

Bullshitted by Bou on June 9, 2008 01:57 PM

That is well worth a good scream.

Bullshitted by Lou on June 9, 2008 02:37 PM

Really we are laughing with you, not at you ladies. Neat bug Eric.

Bullshitted by Rey B on June 9, 2008 02:50 PM

Yup - that might have even gotten a scream out of me. And given *my* voice, that's saying something....

Bullshitted by Richmond on June 9, 2008 03:29 PM

You should hear my wife screaming for me when the palmetto bugs make it into the house. You know, aka water bugs, according to my wife Giant Cockroaches. Once I smashed one with a shoe so hard it literally exploded bug guts all over the living room. She wouldn't come out of the bedroom for two hours while I cleaned the thing up.

Bullshitted by diamond dave on June 9, 2008 03:57 PM

Wow, what an ugly thing!

Wonder what was going on last night since we found a big bug as well... on our door steps it was crawling... black and shiny all over... the huge stag beetle... with two giant antlers waving nervous in our direction... (Or was it a nervous me when trying to take its picture? ;) )

Bullshitted by Ann on June 9, 2008 04:01 PM

Warning: I'm planning on slasa, chips and beer in about 2 hrs. Results may be earth shattering flatulence.

Bullshitted by Cappy on June 9, 2008 07:24 PM

Excellent example of natural camouflage. Look meaner than what's trying to eat you and you survive. Such is nature. You can admire it one minute and the next minute it can scare the hell out of you. Just a thought.

Bullshitted by Tbird on June 9, 2008 08:44 PM

All that and you didn't even pop a cap in it's ass? Dude... you're gettin' soft.

Bullshitted by RedNeck on June 9, 2008 10:21 PM

I'll see your beetle story and bump it...

Bullshitted by Elisson on June 10, 2008 06:23 AM

You would be running outside once a hour around here,,,the 4-year-old girl screams bloody murder every time she goes down the slide or when her 9-year-old brother squirts her with the water hose (NOT that he would ever do something like that!).

Bullshitted by Michele on June 10, 2008 09:36 AM

Bring out the shovel...for Sam's sake

Bullshitted by Sam on June 10, 2008 12:27 PM

I am a fairly laid back fellow, really

Eric, if you were any more laid back, you'd be dead.

Then you could roam the earth like a zombie!

Bullshitted by Jerry on June 10, 2008 01:04 PM