Real....

..... it is amazing to see how a little white lie can snowball....

..... I mean, we all lie, don't we?... just a little bit?...... "does my ass look fat in this dress, these slacks, this hemisphere?"...... for god's sake, we all lie...... the little white lie is what keeps society civilized..... Elisson said it once far better than I ever could.....

.... and while we all lie from time to time, I have to imagine that we all don't lie on the same skill level........ in fact, I imagine that we vary VASTLY in our ability to convey a convincing lie........

..... and I humbly offer as a case in point, that was told to me this evening by The Missus.....

.... it seems that a girlfriend of hers (about two years ago) had visited the Knoxville Zoo and photographed a bunch of penguins that were milling about in their enclosure....... knowing that my Missus is absolutely nuts about penguins, she gave her a copy of the photo..... well, the photo has been sitting on her keyboard at work ever since....

..... so, fast forward to about six months ago.... the following conversation took place.....

..... a guy that she works with notices the penguin photograph and says, "wow, what a great group of penguins!"

..... herein begins The Lie....

..... "yeah, those are MY penguins..... my husband stays home from work and takes care of their cage when he isn't doing other things...... so, yeah, thanks!..... those are my penguins, yes sir..... I just love them...... you'd never know the hoops you have to jump through when you want to own a penguin or two....... we had to get lots of special permits, but in the end, it was worth it.... I love hanging out with those penguins in the evenings...they make my day.....that one on the left is Pengy, and next to him is Robbie.... Robbie is SO funny sometimes..... they make excellent pets..."

.... "wow!... that is SO cool!.... I had no idea that you could own penguins as pets!..".....

..... the conversation went a bit further.... explanations about Tennessee State Penguin Permits, special dietary requirements, how we keep them cool in the summertime, etc, etc..... resulting in this man being completely convinced that we had a pen full of penguins in the back yard.......

..... well, yesterday she was asked about how 'her penguins' were doing....... this, of course, being six months later and she has completely forgotten the lie that she told........ here is the result....

"Hey! I haven't asked you about your pet penguins in a while, how are they doing?"

....."... penguins??... what penguins?"

"oh, the ones that you had in that giant air conditioned cage in your back yard!"

.." .... what??"...

"Your penguins. I bet you guys are not looking forward to summertime and that cooling bill! How are they doing? They still hanging out in the back yard?"

... "mmm..... no..... they are in my spare bedroom right now....."

"Your spare bedroom?? Aren't they smelly? How do you keep them from crapping all over everything??"

"... ummm.... no, they don't crap on anything.." ...

"They DON'T??"

..... "no, of course not..... dude, they are stuffed penguins......"

"Stuffed?!?! That is so horrible! I am SO SORRY! When did they all DIE?!?"

..... it was at this point that The Missus realized that the hammerhead she was talking to had confused her real collection of stuffed, plush-toy penguins with her imaginary collection of real-life penguins...

.... oh, and for those of you who have never set foot in the spare bedroom of my house, let me just say that it is the home to between 250-400 plush toy penguins..... hey, don't look at me like that.... they aren't MINE...... the Wife has collected them her whole life....

..... but yeah, a nice lie, eh?.... the scary thing is, she is just so good at it..... I couldn't have gotten some guy to believe I had penguins in a cage in my back yard even if I DID have penguins in a cage back there..... but her?...... she definitely has talent....

by Eric on April 23, 2008 | Bullshit (17) | TrackBack (0) | Ummm, Ok....
Bullshit So Far

Just about peed myself picturing Fiona saying all that with a straight face. People halfway down the hall want to know what the hell I was laughing about!

Bullshitted by Omnibus Driver on April 23, 2008 04:07 PM

Yep. It's the boobies that keep a man from reading the bullshit meter. Or something.

I once, on the spur of the moment, convinced my boss that my car must have been stolen out of the parking lot of the small insurance agency where we worked. He didn't know I had driven a different car to work that day and had made a casual remark of, "where's your car?"

Whaddaya mean? It's right outside, isn't it?

Fish.Hook.Easy. I don't know why I did that to him, but it was immense fun!

Bullshitted by Joan of Argghh! on April 23, 2008 04:21 PM

If you knew how much I needed that kind of a laugh today . . . you'd think that working in a sleep lab wouldn't be annoying, but . . .

God bless your wife's penguins. Long may they waddle. Or not.

Bullshitted by Mommynator on April 23, 2008 05:03 PM

OMG.

Years ago, my best friend at the time told a guy who had a HUGE crush on me (I don't get it either) that I had come down with sonsumption and died. It was awful, but she kept the lie up, and believe me, horrible as it sounds, it was necessary. I was being damn near stalked.

Well, our lie was exposed one fateful evening when my friend went home (she stayed with me a lot during the summer, and was allowed to answer my phone) and the phone in my room rang and I picked it up.

[a woman's voice]: "Erica??"

[me]: "Yes. Who's this?"

[woman]: "This is Jonathan's mother!! We thought you were dead!! We were going to plant flowers in your memory in Israel!!"

[me]: *click*

I ran downstairs to my mother, told her the whole stalking situation in the time it for Joanathan's mother to look up my parent's number in the white pages and call, and my mother sent that ranting woman on her way, saying her son was stalking me, causing me emotional distress, and that my friend and I were left with no other alternative.

My Mom rules. I'm sure her and your Missus would get along great.

Bullshitted by Erica on April 23, 2008 05:09 PM

Torturing the guillable. Cruel, but fun.

Bullshitted by Cappy on April 23, 2008 05:32 PM

I don't think I'd go quite so far as to call the penguin thing a "lie". It was more of a cross between a test and entertainment. Her co-worker, of course, failed said test miserably, resulting in much entertainment for her. And quite possibly, if she wanted, for the rest of the office...

Bullshitted by G on April 23, 2008 07:30 PM

Eve: C'mon just eat the damn apple, it won't hurtcha, its actually pretty good..

Adam: uhhh...ok.

Thus endeth the lesson.

Bullshitted by Jay- the friendly neighborhood piper on April 23, 2008 10:26 PM

No sleeping with teddy bears for Eric...he's a real MAVERICK!

Bullshitted by Abbadon on April 24, 2008 12:14 AM

Who lied, not your wife. Funny story but she told a fabrication not a lie. Lies are meant to deceive, as tory like hers, well someone had to be truly an idiot to beleive it.

Bullshitted by Glenn B on April 24, 2008 03:17 AM

Come clean, Bro. It's not just the spare bedroom. Them boids is all over da house. Hell, one can't even take a wizz without looking into the eyes of those cold-weather boids.

Bullshitted by Jim - PRS on April 24, 2008 07:44 AM

This is quite a bit how I entertain myself at work...personal favorite was the guy I'd convinced I'd made a solar-powered car out of a '76 Buick Parisienne....

Bullshitted by Tommy on April 24, 2008 08:22 AM

Oh man... This reminds me of a story. Ha!

Bullshitted by Richmond on April 24, 2008 08:33 AM

I daresay you brought your bride from Scottish dales to the hills of Tennessee long before 9/11. Lord knows what Homeland Security would have thought (since then) if she'd showed up at customs with 300 stuffed penguins.

Bullshitted by Tbird on April 24, 2008 06:22 PM

Tommy... you're liar! Parisiennes are Pontiacs not Buicks. Now if you'd have said you pimped out a Pontiac duece and a quarter I'd have believed that...

Eric... I'm surprised she didn't get somebody to photoshop you walkin' the Penguin's 4 or 5 at a time, in each hand, on leashes, down your street... "Look, there's goes my darling husband takin' my penguins five a time in each hand for a walk through the neighborhood. Ain't he sweet!"

Bullshitted by RedNeck on April 24, 2008 07:42 PM

Glenn B says- Lies are meant to deceive, as tory like hers, well someone had to be truly an idiot to beleive it.

How can you say that? You know how many registered Democrats there are in my state?! Hell, in California we elect 'em to get 'em outta the state! JG

Bullshitted by JihadGene on April 24, 2008 11:00 PM

OH! Oh! OH! Just in time!!!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24311713

Bullshitted by Bou on April 25, 2008 06:18 PM

I'm kinda surprised that Matt hasn't been by making a comment about the creepy little bastards.

As for the pet penguins, I wouldn't say that Fiona "lied", she was just joking. At least that's what I call my white lies...

Bullshitted by That 1 Guy on April 26, 2008 08:20 AM