Wax.....

..... a rather interesting and slightly unsettling thing happened today, and I am not sure of the full implications of the 'realization'....

... it all started innocently enough..... The Missus arrived home from work and smilingly shoved a packet of earplugs towards me...... at first, I was confused by this odd gift, but after a few seconds, I came to understand that these were for 'her' to use on our upcoming trip to Europe..... charming, no?....

..... see, I snore..... I snore really, really, really bad...... and here in Tennessee, our sleeping arrangements are extremely flexible.... I've slept on bathroom floors, either of the two couches, the spare bedroom, and the walk-in closet from time to time..... she has too in an effort to escape my late-night bellowing........ but when we travel, our options are cut short a bit..... I mean, you can't just wander down the hall to the next hotel room when your mate boots you out of the bed at 2am........ so having said that, today she showed up with a packet of "snore-proof" earplugs......

..... the quick end to the story is to say that she eagerly tried them on, and then asked me for a 'demonstration snore' to test their effectiveness....... to which, of course, they failed miserably...... but the 'long' end of the story is that I immediately laughed and said, "see, I knew that would happen.... what you NEED to use are the earplugs that I use when I go to the range!"...... she nodded expectantly and I sent her to fetch my 'shooting bag"......

..... it at this point in the story where things get a bit weird and unsettling..... and deeply, deeply strange.....

..... I took the bag and rummaged through it thoroughly....... I dragged out ammo, balloons, targets, felt pens, empty magazines, and finally found a set of industrial strength earplugs...... I smiled at my prize and offered them to her...... orange plastic lifesavers, that they are..... and as I was busy trying to cram everything back into the Cordura bag, I noticed her gazing in abject horror at the little rubber devices that I had given her......

..... see, the plugs that I normally use are not the squeezy foam ones.... they are the are of the 'multi-layered', hardened-rubber variety..... and by that, what I mean is that they consist of a solid core with circular 'flaps' in increasing sizes - perhaps three rings - that reach into your ear to a depth of about 1/2 an inch.... very, very, very good hearing protection...... heavy duty, folks......

.... and as I watched her, I could not understand what she was looking at...... so, I spoke.... "what's wrong?.... they work REALLY well.... put them in!"....

..... she looked up at me and nearly gagged...... and then, she held the ear plugs out to me and flexed one of the little disc-like structures so that I could see......

.... good god, rubberneckers....... each flimsy flap was caked with putrefied little bits of somebody's earwax...... and I say 'somebody's' because I have no idea who I last loaned those earplugs to..... I know it wasn't me, though, as I swab my ears out every single morning...... but wow...... one of you who has visited my house and gone shooting with me is one nasty sumbitch.......

...... I have to admit that I would never have noticed what she noticed..... if I had been out at the range, I would have just popped'em in and never given it a second thought...... they do say that the "devil" is in the "details", I guess.....

.... and that is just the thing, right?..... how many hundreds of times have I put those plugs in my ears, shot to my heart's content, and then plopped them back into the shooting bag without a second thought?..... I admit that it is kinda disgusting when you think about it.... but really?..... it hasn't bothered my up until now...... so should I truly be disgusted now?..... I know that it sounds odd, but no, I don't..... it's just one of those things.....

.... but what did SHE do?..... she ran off gagging towards the bathroom where she immediately cleaned and disinfected my earplugs...... they're lazing on the ottoman right now while she watches "Blood In The Wire" on BBC America....... at least as clean (and probably cleaner) as the day they rolled off the Chinese assembly line and arrived on the hallowed shelves of the nearest Wal-Mart......

..... while I recognize that they weren't the cleanest pieces of shooting equipment that I own, I still don't really understand why she reacted in such an excited way....... I mean, it's not like putting those things in your ears is actually going to LEAVE any of it there...... if anything, you ears will be cleaner (by design) once you REMOVE the earplugs..... right?...... sure, it was a failing on my part to not have noticed AND to not have cleaned them much earlier..... but really, using those plugs - even if dirty - would have been much better than having your hearing permanently damaged by unprotected gunshots...... right?....

.... either way, it is a moot point now..... they've been scoured, boiled, scraped, and bleached...... hell, I bet I have the cleanest set of ear plugs on the planet right now........ and I have sworn to clean them vigorously after each visit to the range....... and I will...... like I said, sometimes we just overlook the details, I guess....... but now, hey, I know.....

.... oh, and let me just say now to all of those beautiful bloggers who made the trip up here to my October blogmeet, barbecue, and shooting-fest two years ago..... rest yourselves....... never fear...... ALL is WELL...... when I took y'all shooting, I gave you each a brand new set of the 'squeezy' variety of ear plugs....... at no time were you guys & gals anywhere near my personal earplugs...... except, of course, when my head was somewhere near your body...... so, everyone is safe..... your ears do not have any kind of strange cancer caused by a foreign infusion of hillbilly earwax.......

.... still, though, I suspect that there is much more to this Mars/Venus thing that we fully understand.......

by Eric on April 20, 2008 | Bullshit (12) | TrackBack (0) | Ummm, Ok....
Bullshit So Far

I know for a FACT it wasn't me as I brought my own Monkey Ears that blogmeet.

Blech.

Ear wax is ear snot. *shudder*

Bullshitted by Bou on April 20, 2008 09:04 PM

Ewwwww. Ear wax. Bad enough, when it's your own, but somebody else's? I think I'd have had to boil my ear canal, if I could.

Ear wax. Eric's probably got cooties, too!

Bullshitted by jwiley on April 20, 2008 09:56 PM

She WASTED it?! You remember when Shrek made a candle out of his? THAT was COOL! Can you imagine what THAT sucker smelled like? Talk about Aromatherapy.

Bullshitted by Jay- the friendly neighborhood piper on April 20, 2008 09:58 PM

Jay, you are a sick and twisted individual! It does my heart good to know I'm not the only one. I am so jealous you beat me to the Shrek reference.

Bullshitted by Rey B on April 21, 2008 07:27 AM

I proudly wear the mantle of helping the masses cringe in laughter.

Bullshitted by Jay- the friendly neighborhood piper on April 21, 2008 09:51 AM

Oh boy, Bou. Ear snot indeed... At least they are clean now! And ready to go on tour!

Bullshitted by Richmond on April 21, 2008 10:14 AM

All Hail the King of the ear wax bloggers.

Bullshitted by james old guy on April 21, 2008 11:31 AM

Are you sure that this guy hasn't been by your place recently?


Bullshitted by Joan of Argghh! on April 21, 2008 04:33 PM

Ear Prugs? Nebber heard of 'em. I do, howebber, know of a'nudder kinda plug my axis of weevil friend AchmedDinnerJihad, President of Iran uses when him checking out the gay bar scene in old-towne Tehran. Bereeve me, it ain't ear-wax on that sum-beechin plug!

Ruv Yoo Looong Time!
Great Reader KIM Jong IL

Bullshitted by JihadGene on April 21, 2008 10:07 PM

Got identical snoring/sleeping problem here. Gets worse with age, my friend, so start getting Missus emotionally prepped for separate bedrooms. It's actually not so bad once you get over the initial shock and realize you can visit back and forth from time to time. Nothing works, not even industrial strength earplugs sans wax job.

Earwax is cool. I'm quite proud of my growing collection. Current market is right around $173.50 per kilo. I read in an issue of "Earwax Journal" a couple of months ago that a new startup company was forming over in Arkansas. When they enter the market this summer, it should drive the price to around $400/kilo. That's when I sell... You should seriously consider jumping into the earwax game yourself, either for the pleasure of the hobby, or for the financial opportunities. Hey, it would be an easy way to finance an addition to the manse -- you know, separate bedroom/bathroom and earwax storage vault.

Bullshitted by Winston on April 22, 2008 06:09 AM

There are some things I just don't share. Earplugs are one.

Respirators for painting is another.

I see painters at work do that all the time and it makes me want to hurl...

Bullshitted by Abbadon on April 22, 2008 07:56 AM

Men are from Mars.

Women are from the Andromeda Galaxy.

Bullshitted by Elisson on April 24, 2008 09:29 PM