Flash.....

..... you know, it was ok to watch "Flash Gordon" when you were ten and it had just come out..... it might even have been ok to watch it when you were 16 and it first appeared on the big screen..... but to watch it when you are over thirty is just bone-crushingly surreal.....

.... a few notes....

1. I cannot believe that they ever let some hammerhead who was a main character in "Flash Gordon" end up playing James Bond..... good god, the horror..... that just isn't right, I'm sorry.... someone should be dragged off and shot for allowing that to happen....

2. What's up with the scorpion-thingy in the stump?...... when I was 8, that scene scared the shit out of me...... but now?...... what a bunch of dimwits...... like we're supposed to believe that there is a race of people out there with space travel, telepathy machines, and ray guns?.... and they still feel the need to make some young person stick his arm randomly in a stump containing a deadly scorpion-thingy to make sure he is "man enough" to live in a world that won't stand up to Ming The Merciless when they aren't 'standing up' in the first place?.... how the hell did those idiots survive before Flash showed up to 'save' them?.....

3. Those guys with the wings are just plain funky..... how do they fly around like birds when they never flap their damned wings?..... and hey, trust me, I've been WATCHING birds for the past three months...... you don't just hover around up in the sky when you're flapping like a bored Fatima of the Seven Veils holding a limp palm frond......... if there isn't a breeze, you plummet!.... plummet, I say!.......

..... and hey, any movie where Brian Blessed gets to wear a mini-skirt AND carry a sword is just plain odd...... don't get me wrong, I like Brian Blessed just fine..... I'm a fan....... he's a helluva actor...... and he can act "batshit-crazy psycho nutjob" better than anyone that I can imagine... he was brilliant in 'Henry V' with Brannaugh playing lead..... but to see him flashing those teeth of his and sporting those huge fake wings?....... let me just say, I could go the rest of my life without ever seeing Brian Blessed's bulging thighs again.....

4. ..... sorry, I still can't get Brian Blessed out of my head right now.....

5. ... ok, he's gone for a minute.... what's up with that elixir that they kept spoon-feeding Dale?..... so far, from all that I have seen in ANY science fiction flick EVER, that stuff has to be the greatest invention since the wheel....... "drink this, my dear..." ..... "will it help me to forget?"..... "no.... no, it won't.... but it'll help you to not mind remembering.."...... that's just kinky, folks..... deeply, deeply kinky......

6. .... why was Flash Gordon a football player?..... and a quarterback to boot?....... I protest that fact on behalf of every former baseball player on the planet....... you want someone to save the planet?..... pick a second baseman, a pitcher, or a catcher....... them's the facts........

7. ...... can you imagine what the band 'Queen' was smoking when the decided to do the soundtrack?..... good god...... sure, the music was ok...... but screaming "Flash!!... aHHHAAA" every thirty seconds for two hours just had to crush their artistic genius into teensy little bits of "I wanna die" dust......

...... sorry for the foul mood tonight, guys....... but hey, everything that I've said is the absolute truth...... and the truth shall SET YOU FREE!...... right?.......

..... so if you are so inclined to revisit that old flick from your childhood, a word of warning...... re-rent "Jaws" instead...... I know, I know.... but just trust me....... I hate scary movies as much as the next guy...... but in the long run, you will thank me...... it's always better to watch Richard Dreyfus fling chum, and lose the battle when comparing scars with The Captain than it is to have two decades of loving memories crushed by the awesome reality that is achieved by re-watching 'Flash Gordon' as an adult.........

by Eric on April 17, 2008 | Bullshit (8) | TrackBack (0) | Psycho Rants
Bullshit So Far

You'd have done better to watch, "Barbarella," you know.

Bullshitted by Joan of Argghh! on April 17, 2008 08:59 PM

Move away from the TV, Eric... Move away..

But it *was* cool when Ming's right hand man dies on the spikes - just sayin.... ; )

Bullshitted by Richmond on April 17, 2008 09:56 PM

And don't forget the Hawkmen spelling out

THANKS


FLASH

Unless those were two separate thoughts, with the first to our hero and the second to Dale.

...

Well, hawks ARE supposed to have great distance vision, right?

:-D

Bullshitted by Tommy on April 17, 2008 10:55 PM

Flash Gordon is more low budget than Power Rangers I bet.

Bullshitted by upset waitress on April 17, 2008 11:09 PM

Baseball player to save the earth?..hhmmmmm...
I nominate Ozzie Smith. He really WAS one of the good guys.

Bullshitted by Tbird on April 18, 2008 03:28 PM

Me, I still get a nasty jolt when I re-watch Terminator & realize that the soundtrack is all cheesy 80's keyboard music.

Bullshitted by Harvey on April 19, 2008 12:35 PM

You know what's really cool though? The old Flash Gordon serials from the 30's. You can find some of them online.

Bullshitted by Richard on April 20, 2008 06:56 AM

And you could have watched Flesh Gordon instead...

Bullshitted by Old Cloots on April 20, 2008 03:00 PM