Bears......

.... .there is something undeniably manly about having body hair, or so I am told.......... hey, I don't really get it, but I see the reaction that women have when they see a hairy, Magnum PI chest occasionally pop across the television screen....... those pumped pecs covered in dark fuzz, salt water, and a smiling mustachioed man grinning over a bikini-clad backside pretending to free-style?...... it's just all too much...... and hey, those old 80s reruns should be fucking banned, if you ask me........

...... no one has chest hair like that........ besides, Higgins was much more my style anyways........ AND he had a pith helmet and had fought off the Mau Mau back in the fifties....... that's a lot more hardcore than sipping German beer and driving around in a Ferrari and gazing down at bikini'd backsides........... right?....

.... anyway, on to the point..... when I was a little boy, I was slightly underweight for my age group...... scrawny, really...... and now that I look back, I was pretty geeky too........ the latter being more a matter of perspective that the former..... but I was lanky and thin and covered with freckles...... it's one helluva cross to bear, let me tell you....... when I graduated from bootcamp at the tender age of 17, I weighed 160lbs soaking wet..... 6'2" and 160lbs is pretty lean.... malnourished, in fact...... and while I'm bitching, being a redhead is just a complete curse for a guy, folks........

.... you dark-haired fellows have no idea what a bonus you've been gifted with from birth...... hell, I wrote years and years ago about the perils of being a redheaded guy..... and now?.... even at 35, I still can't grown a damned mustache....... but once I hit puberty though, y'all watch out...... I'll be a live friggin' wire.......

.... it's funny, I guess..... I must have watched that "Pathfinder" movie ten times in the past month on HBO, and every time I see that guy who whips the shit out of the Vikings, I cannot help but think, "hey! what a badass!.... but his chest is hairless?!.... bravo for recessive genes!!.... wait!...... FUCK, he was a Viking!!!!..... where'd his chest hair all go?"...... "300" has been airing on Cimemax every four hours too, but I bet those Spartans shaved their chests....... Hollywood smoke & mirrors, I suspect..... in truth, I've only met three honest to goodness Greeks before - two men and one woman - and they were all pretty frickin' hairy..... the woman especially......

..... but be that as it may (right or wrong), you dark-haired bastards continually piss me right the hell off........ you who have descended from the English, the Scots, the Italians, Greeks, Arabs, Indians, and Jews....... you guys just piss me off...... ALL of you..... with all of your out-of-control sprouting eyebrows and your curling mustaches, and your five O'clock shadows........ y'all can just kiss my lily-white (and hairless) ass......

.... I have hair on my arms an inch long, for God's sake.... but can you SEE it?..... no..... not unless the moon is just right & the Sun is in Venus and swamp gas is reflecting moonbeams off the rings of Saturn.....hell, it's easier to be dazzled into seeing a UFO than it is to ascertain the presence of a translucent, straight, slightly-coppery hair on my upper torso...... and I'm nearly 36 years old!.....

.... quite frankly, I'm done with it..... and in my next life, I want to come back as a grizzly bear...

.... they are hairy, you can TELL that they are hairy, and they like to roam around looking for things to bite.... and I already know that I like the taste of moose...... I figure it'll be A LOT easier than being a redhead.....

by Eric on April 13, 2008 | Bullshit (16) | TrackBack (0) | Ummm, Ok....
Bullshit So Far

Whoa, cowboy...never heard you take such a tone, but, for what it's worth (keep in mind, I am unmarried and childless) I love redheads, and I am not a fan of chest hair. AND, I downright f**king HATE mustaches.

Magnum, in the show, was a total douchebag. In real life, a cool guy I'm sure (he's a pro-gun peep), but I have always been grossed out by Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds types (I make a special exception for Sam Elliott....mercy...the man is a Sex God!).

Actually, I've always been a fan of Spencer Tracy...pasty-skinned, red-headed, Irish...didn't need a bullshit matte of hair o0n his chest to prove he was more of a man than Clark "Everyone Knew He Had Halitosis" Gable.

So, there. If it means anything. You're quite cute, although, truth be told, you should definitely eat more macaroni and cheese.

Bullshitted by Erica on April 13, 2008 10:19 PM

hmmmmm, maybe you could get some red dye and dye that hair that can't be seen otherwise?

Bullshitted by GUYK on April 14, 2008 05:53 AM

I can certainly identify with the being young and hairless.........also the lean part. Although only 5'8" I entered the army at a strapping 116 lbs. There was only one guy lighter than me. He was from Mississippi and weighted 115 lbs.
If you'll just wait another 20 years or so the hair on your chest will turn gray and will then be visible to all the admiring ladies on the beach.

Bullshitted by kdzu on April 14, 2008 07:17 AM

As you know from having drank with me, I'm one of those dark headed dudes that piss you off. Damn -- never meant to. Sorry.

When I was your age, a young thing told me I had just the right amount of body hair, and of course that pleased my bare ass tremendously. Funny how time shifts and changes things. The hair is still dark brown, without use of chemicals, thank you, and plentiful without those expensive procedures they advertise the hell out of.

But over the last 5 or 10 years, I've started growing hair across my upper back and upper arms. Daddy had that and I always thought it was gross. Now, I'm gross too. Also, had a nice dark moustache which I had to shave off a few years ago. When I let it grow again, the sum-bitch came in white. Hell, it made me look like the olde-phart that I am. So I shaved the damn thing off and go bare-lipped.

Bullshitted by Winston on April 14, 2008 07:26 AM

Kinda hard to show off on the beach when exposure to Ra causes intense burning. As my daughters' favorite T-shirt says "Genuine Redhead, Avoid exposure to sunlight" As for the chest hair thing, I always told people that grass doesn't grow on a busy street and hair doesn't grow on steel.

Bullshitted by Rey B on April 14, 2008 07:32 AM

even at 35, I still can't grown a damned mustache.......


You can have some of mine...

Bullshitted by Old Cloots on April 14, 2008 07:36 AM

Hmm. You know in general I don't give much thought about the hair thing. I never cared if men had it on their back, all over, on the top of the head, whether they were bald or had a beard. The ZZ top thing is a bit much for me though, I must admit. I just don't pay much attention. I think I just like men to be like they are. If they are hairy, keep it. If they are not... so be it. I've had many women tell me they don't like grass on the playground.

The magazines show men with no hair on their chest all the time. I think the hairless man is very very in vogue right now. I think you're in style! :)

Bullshitted by Bou on April 14, 2008 08:00 AM

Wow, and I didn't know Clark Gable had halatosis!

Bullshitted by Bou on April 14, 2008 08:02 AM

After watching the movie "Enemy at the Gates" with my daughter, I asked her which she prefered - the intellectual, dark haired guy (played by Joseph Fiennes) or the handsome blue-eyed, blond (played by Jude Law). My daughter didn't hesitate with her reply "I'd take Ed Harris in a heart beat!" See, some women prefer hairless guys.

Bullshitted by Lou on April 14, 2008 08:40 AM

No hair, no problem! Heck, out here in L.A., men routinely get waxed and lazered. Practically every other commercial and newspaper ad is directed at men to "get rid of unwanted body hair." So you be stylin, bro! Hot hot hot!

Bullshitted by DogsDontPurr on April 14, 2008 03:08 PM

Don't sweat it.
In my younger years my hair was light brown, my eyebrows were blonde, and my beard and moustache was dark red.(Talk about mixed up genes)
Now it's ALL grey.
Another thing.
Past fifty the hair quits growing on your head and starts growing out your nose and ears.

Bullshitted by Tbird on April 14, 2008 03:38 PM

I'm really not picky, really.
But...Tom Selleck? rowrrrrrrr. yum.

Bullshitted by Jean on April 14, 2008 04:32 PM

Yeah, it's great looking like you're wearing a sweater when you're shirtless, but Tbird's warning does not necessarily wait until after 50.

Bullshitted by Harvey on April 14, 2008 05:38 PM

Don't worry about hair sprouting from unusual places. That'll kick in later.

Bullshitted by Cappy on April 14, 2008 06:53 PM

Um... Eric, I'd worry about you if you had a thing for Tom Selleck. (well I'd worry about your lovely wife too). As for redheads, my favorite redhead is my son whose hair is far more red than yours (poor boy he really should've had blond hair like my daughter he chose his parents poorly - LOL).

I'm rather like Bou - don't really notice the body hair thing much unless it's way out of control. Otherwise - eh.

Bullshitted by Teresa on April 14, 2008 11:25 PM

Magnum PI? Feh. I've got more hair on my left arm than that wimp does on his whole body.

::swaggers off::

Bullshitted by zonker on April 15, 2008 11:30 AM