Thaw.....

.... as strange as it sounds, my humble home will be the focus of my family's Christmas celebrations this season.... and due to scheduling conflicts, prior engagements, and working rotations among all of the participants, tonight has been deemed to be The Night.... gifts will be exchanged and a meal - cooked by my own hot little hands - will be wolfed down..... and I'll probably end up downing a few gin and tonics myself....... so that is today....

.... last night, however, I was roped into watching back-to-back Seinfeld episodes until time for beddie-bye.... of particular note were the "Festivus" episode and the one where Elaine sends out those Christmas cards where she was accidentally baring one of her nipples..... somehow I can't help but find the irony in "Christmas" being at my home on the annual date of "Festivus"....

.... and depending on how well dinner goes down, we may or may not end up having an "Airing of Grievances" ..... I did buy some kickass gifts for everyone, though, so that might keep them distracted from the quality of the roasted potatoes & grilled pork loin.... hey, getting lots of free stuff once a year tends to leave people distracted, so it might just work....

.... I will confess one little thing though - I had initially been tasked with roasting a turkey for Christmas dinner..... and I had one too.... a nice, big, fat hen..... the problem was that she was also frozen stiffer than a damn anvil..... I never knew that turkeys could freeze that hard, folks...... so my 12lbs of rock-hard turkey did not thaw out in the two days that I had allotted... thus the pork loin substitution at the last minute.....

.... so I have a question for Mr. Debonaire about the proper thawing of turkeys.....

... see, the label says that letting the frozen bird thaw at room temperature is strictly verbotten and will likely cause all of your holiday guests to die of some weird intestinal ailment before New Years ala Monty Python's "Meaning of Life"...... BUT keeping the damnable bird in the fridge to let it soften up takes aproximately 18 fucking months.....

.... and so the question is, what is the simplest way of thawing a frozen turkey in the shortest time possible?.... or do I just have to practice my Russian accent, open the fridge every so often, poke it with a trowel and pretend it's a Siberian mammoth?...... the label lied, Mr. Debonaire..... so what's the scoop?....

... oh, and Happy Festivus!.... no turkey tonight, friends..... we be eating high on the hog instead.... but that was not the plan....

by Eric on December 23, 2007 | Bullshit (13) | TrackBack (0) | Blogging
Bullshit So Far

I ain't no Monsewer Deb-no-aire but I been known ta puts a frizzen bird unner cole running water for ta gets it softer for da bakin.

Bullshitted by G on December 23, 2007 08:07 PM

Man, I'm having no freaking luck leaving messages on your blog for several days now. Getting all kind of strange messages and then my masterpiece comments never show up. Anyway... maybe this one will go...

The Merriest of Christmases to you and your Missus...

Bullshitted by Winston on December 23, 2007 09:47 PM

Assuming the turkey is in plastic, the fastest way is to cover the turkey in cold water, changing the water every 30 minutes. It should thaw.

If you're up tonight, you can do it until you go to bed, and then throw it in the fridge. Get up in the morning and put it back in your sink and start again, turning the bird periodically.

Bullshitted by h~ on December 23, 2007 10:22 PM

My turkey is in the oven as we speak, but it spent 5 days in the refrigator getting to the "thawed" point. Even after all that time the innards were still icy, had to dig those suckers out resulting in a frost bitten hand from jamming them up the turkeys butt

Bullshitted by Junebugg on December 23, 2007 11:34 PM

"...tonight has been deemed to be The Night..."

In that case, Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones. And remember, when in doubt, just face the music and dance.

Bullshitted by Erica on December 24, 2007 06:28 AM

"...tonight has been deemed to be The Night..."

In that case, Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones. And remember, when in doubt, just face the music and dance.

Bullshitted by Erica on December 24, 2007 06:28 AM

Mu.nu dooshbags, it doesn't take, then it decides to take twice. That's real mature.

Bullshitted by Erica on December 24, 2007 06:30 AM

I'm gonna try this one more time...

Here's a hot tip you might want to try... or not...

Sit that big frozen bad boy on a layer of bricks. Peel the plastic wrapper from around his rear end. Light a propane torch and stick it up the bird's ass, going slowly and carefully lest you douse the 1700 degree flame. Once fully inside the body cavity, the whole operation should take about 5 minutes per kilo. Those who have been brave enough and stupid enough to try this on a live bird AND live to tell the story, have found that about 3 minutes per kilo will do the job.

If that polyethylene prophylactic starts to smoke, smolder, or melt, reduce torch tip temperature to 1500 and proceed with caution. If for some reason this one-step thaw and cook operation does not meet expectations and the bird turns out to be for shit, take the whole thing, torch and all, about 100 yards away from your house and bury it about 30 inches below ground level so the possums and raccoons can't scratch it up. Then cook a pork loin... or go to Shoneys...

Y'all have the Merriest of Christmases!

Bullshitted by Winston on December 24, 2007 06:44 AM

Merry Christmas to you and yours, Eric!

Bullshitted by Jean on December 24, 2007 09:17 AM

Funny, I got to watchin the same episodes -- me and my son went lookin for an aluminum pole yestiddy, and he kept telling his mother and sister, "I got a lot of problems with you people!!"

I have the perfect solution to the frozen turkey dilemma.

Rib Roast.

Bullshitted by wavemaker on December 24, 2007 10:34 AM

Merry Xmas to you and all of the Straight White Clan. Hope to catch up with you and Mrs SWG again before too long.

Bullshitted by Mark on December 24, 2007 01:11 PM

Merry Christmas, Eric.

IMAO, that card with Elaine is appropriate for any holiday.

Bullshitted by Cappy on December 24, 2007 05:02 PM

You could slip down to Georgia and get a bunch of that red clay. Make a ball of the turkey inside the red clay and then just bake the whole thing..be sure to salt and pepper the frozen bird first though. After it bakes until the clay is hard just bust it open with a ball peen hammer..scoop out that baked turkey..throw it away and serve the pork chops in your new baked clap bowls..

Bullshitted by GUYK on December 24, 2007 11:16 PM