….. when the chips are down and everything goes sideways, I am actually a fairly brave fellow… indeed, I have been part in quite a few touchy moments… from European bar fights to the occasionally homicidal rickshaw driver deep in the Indian sub-continent, I have held my own and given as good as I got….

… but put me in a damnable dentist’s office with a filling, crown, etc. on the schedule, and I turn into 198lbs of pure USDA Choice Crybaby….. Grade A….

… it is completely embarrassing, it truly is…. every muscle in my body tenses as I close my eyes and focus, focus, focus on keeping my jaws spread as widely as possible… and when he nods down at me and says, “alright, Eric… rest for just a moment.” …. I swear that I go from imitating a surfboard to actually puddling into the conforms of the dental chair….. by the time the procedures are over I feel like I’ve been a losing participant in a marathon…..

… the real kicker is that my dentist is an absolute saint of a man…. been my tooth-doc since my first tooth sprouted from my gums…. and known me for over 30 years… so I KNOW that he isn’t going to hurt me….and yet I am filled with panic every single time… it is 100% irrational and I know it…. but I just cant help myself…..

…. And the assistant treats me with such kid-gloves…. she starts with the numbing swabs and puts on the laughing gas…. then more gas… and more…. and then the injections once the swabs have been removed…. And then more gas as he does his work….. and I feel no pain whatsoever…. but even under the influence of the gas, I am still a fucking basketcase…. good God, it is embarrassing…. After the first set of injections (which I hardly felt), I actually showed her the palms of my hands…. they were drenched from the nervous anticipation…..

… here is a snippet of the conversation I had with Dr & assistant prior to reclining back for them to begin…..

Doc: “Hey!... Good to see you!.... You are looking well!”
Me: …. “thanks….. I have to tell you though, this room is my least favorite place in the universe…” …
Doc: “Ahh, well, we’ll take good care of you…. you’ve got nothing to worry about.”
Me: …. “oh, I know… and trust me, it isn’t you guys….. it is just one of those things..”
Doc: (… preparing his gigantic thingy of Novocain and humming slightly to himself…)
Doc: “Yeah, I know what you mean. I suppose that you’d rather be out hunting or fishing or golfing….”
Me: …. “Sir, I would rather be surrounded by Zombies and armed only with a cricket bat than be sitting here just at this very moment.”….
Doc: “……
Assistant: “Well, Halloween is over, Eric. No more Zombies until next October!”
Doc: “Alrighty, we’re all set. Lay on back here, Eric. I will be finished with you in NO time!”

…. Having not read my blog before, the reference to being surrounded by Zombies was completely lost on them…. especially in regards to the sheer, shitting-one’s-pants, frightening-ness of being in such a situation when one is burdened with my accursed phobias…..

… so happy November 1st, folks…. See?.... didn’t I tell you guys just YESTERDAY that November was going to suck?.....

… and while I am thinking of it, why isn’t “puddling” a word….. it certainly should be…. But spellcheck keeps freaking out over it like it is one of those little white cards with the date of your next dental appointment printed on it…….

by Eric on November 01, 2007 | Bullshit (19) | TrackBack (0) | Psycho Rants
Bullshit So Far

I am exactly the same way when I get my eyebrows waxed. The pain -- if it could be called pain -- is minimal, yet quite bracing, and I always anticipate the ripping of the delicate hairs out of my brow to be far worse than it actually is. Dentist, though? No problem. I've never had a cavity [*knock wood*], so it's never been an issue for me.

Bullshitted by Erica on November 1, 2007 04:58 PM

"I've never had a cavity [*knock wood*], so it's never been an issue for me." -- Erica

Don't you just hate people with perfect teeth?

Bullshitted by Jerry on November 1, 2007 05:24 PM

"Don't you just hate people with perfect teeth?"

I sure do. Fortunately, and unfortunately, Jerry, I've been blessed with teeth that both protrude from my mouth like Bugs Bunny, and are discolored from years of drinking iced coffee. No cavities, though [*knock wood*], which I attribute to good brushing and flossing habits.

Can't win 'em all.

Bullshitted by Erica on November 1, 2007 06:10 PM

I wonder if there is such a thing as a zombie dentist??

Bullshitted by james old guy on November 1, 2007 06:18 PM

Funny you should mention it, I spent about 90 minutes in the chair today getting a crown. Lots of drilling, lots of gookum impressions and lots of novacaine.

My dentist has the temprement of Mr. Rogers, and he hates Hillary. That made it much easier.

Bullshitted by Jim - PRS on November 1, 2007 07:22 PM

Argh...I'd rather have knee surgery than go to the dentist! (And I know what I'm talking about: I've had 5 knee surgeries!!) So I feel your pain/anxiety. The gas is the only way to go. If only they'd let you take it with you!

Bullshitted by DogsDontPurr on November 2, 2007 12:27 AM

Funny you should mention it. I am the same way and because of tis I have avoided dentists like the plague and dim-a-crits for years. And looks like both are gonna haunt me for a while..

I have an appointment with a tooth yanker that da Catfish referred me to in Brunswick Georgia on the 15 of January. He is gonna yank out what I got left and no more dental problems for me...now eating may be a chore but I always seem to manage to do that chore one way tor another...

Now about that word puddling? And spell check? About half of my redneck vocabulary will not pass spell check scrutiny but strangely enough 'puddling' did on this brower

Bullshitted by GUYK on November 2, 2007 05:30 AM

Truly, sir, I am shocked. Shocked I tell you -- shocked. You have stood tall among mere men in your display of bravery, bravado, and pain endurance. We all have admired you greatly for those qualities, the very attributes that scream REAL MAN! We thought you were skeert of nuthin'. Now this...

We'll caucus and advise you of any decision that may affect your ability to continue as our leader. We may even have to ask you to leave the island...

Bullshitted by Winston on November 2, 2007 07:05 AM

Hey dear - at least you don't have to make the annual trek to the Gynecologist. Talk about bracing yourself. Gah...

Bullshitted by Richmond on November 2, 2007 09:54 AM

You have all my sympathy. I won't repeat the stories here (aren't you happy), but suffice it to say that every tooth in the back of my mouth has been modified - some tremendously. It takes LOTS of Novocaine for this to be done properly. And I'm so tense in the dentist chair my muscles are sore for several days afterward. heh.

Bullshitted by Teresa on November 2, 2007 09:56 AM

The Missus has almost perfect teeth...only one cavity, if I remember correctly. If not for the fact that she spent 2 years having her jaw adjusted, she would have skated through life with minimal Dentist Annoyance.

Erica, you can probably thank the excellent fluoridated tap water of NYC for your perfect teefs. Of course, the people who drink expensive bottled water are not getting their fluoride ration, so there'll eventually be Hell to pay...

Me, I don't mind the dentist...much. Except for that fucking Ultrasonic Cleaner torture-device. Gaaah.

Bullshitted by Elisson on November 2, 2007 01:46 PM

You poor baby...I never had a dentist fear, but I can relate to the anxiety thing that persists even under anesthesia...wierd, huh?

Too bad there wasn't a before picture of me before I had my stuff done...you'd be afraid to NOT go to the dentist, because what happened to me was after years of dental work...I mean I had to go once a week for awhile...lost my first two teeth when I was 21...

Anyway, what is important for you to remember here, is that you don't let your fear rule you. Even though you are scared, you still go...and that is the very definition of courage. Facing your fears.

Bullshitted by kelly on November 2, 2007 02:14 PM

I always bring my mp3 player loaded with Coldplay when I go tot he dentist. Chris Martin is the only sound annoying enough to drown out the sound of the drill...and the pain really seems to pale in comparison to that damn Clocks song.

Unless you like Coldplay. Then I'd suggest the cricket bat.

Happy to help.

Bullshitted by Mia on November 2, 2007 03:31 PM

Only minimal dental care till I joined the Navy and those boys had a field day. The worst was the wisdom teeth. Both bottom ones impacted and the first idiot tried to do a straight extraction. After he lifted my upper body off the chair I informed him he was done. When he tried again I grasped him by the tender parts and told him that if he hurt me I would hurt him. He retired from the area and another dentist finished the job correctly. I figured I was headed for the brig for assaulting an officer but nothing was ever said. As Bill Cosby said "when you are in the chair you can walk with just your butt cheeks" I have slid out more than once. More gas please!

Bullshitted by Rey B on November 2, 2007 05:02 PM

Dear GOD I have a phobia of the dental office...blame the Chgo public health system where kids teeth were pulled sans any sort of numbing mercy.

Found a fantastic guy in ATL and now just see him when we go back for the high holies.
Even so, I am terrified of the diagnosis each and every visit.

Bullshitted by LauraB on November 2, 2007 06:36 PM

Fucking pussy.

Bullshitted by zonker on November 2, 2007 10:03 PM

Everyone has fears Zonker, some of us are willing to face them. Others deny their existence and bluster in a macho manner. "Fucking Pussy"

Bullshitted by Rey B on November 3, 2007 08:52 AM

Actually, Rey...Eric and most of his readers know that my comment was, in fact, a joke. Not that I don't enjoy you defending his honor. It's really, really sweet.

Bullshitted by zonker on November 3, 2007 02:16 PM

Sorry Zonker the whole dentist thing just bypasses logical thought and rouses the hind-brains protection of the tribe response. If the dentist bothers someone they are in the tribe and must be defended. Now Marines should be picked on cuz they are Marines so Eric does deserve some abuse. Rey (USN Ret.)

Bullshitted by Rey B on November 4, 2007 09:52 AM