…. Well, gentle reader, today was the day that my Sainted Mother went under the knife…… wait, did I say knife?..... knife, hammer, chisel, bone saw, drill, & screwdriver, actually…..
… that’s right, folks she now is in possession of one brand spanking new (and mind-bendingly sore) left knee….
…. I was up at 3:30am to pick her up at 4am to deliver her at the hospital by 5am…… and I’m pooped….. 3:30am is an ungodly hour of the morning and it isn’t fit for man nor beast, just trust me….
…. On the more pleasant plane, I saw my Mother introduced to Mr. Morphine today…. and they quickly became the most marvelous of pals….
…. I suppose that one of the teensy perks of surviving life to adulthood is that you might be afforded the opportunity to watch your Sainted Parents loop themselves up on high-octane drugs and then tell you slurringly about the “day you were born”…. And NOT being afraid to cut out any of the gory details….. (… yeah, loosing the tongue, folks…. That’s another little bag of tricks that Mr. Morphine brings to the table when he shows up for business….. a healthy dose of just plain ole everyday ‘don’t give a shit’…)
… but really, it is those very ‘gory details’ which make the stories of life truly human, no?.... to wit, a conversation…..
Me: … Mom, why was I born down here in Cleveland instead of someplace closer to home?....
Drug-addled Momma (DAM): … HEY! Hey!.... nothing but the best for you, buddy-boy….. Cleveland had the best obstetricianseses….. oh, and because I totally hated Dr. Stephens in Athens….. he was such a complete bastard…
Me: … oh, ok….. wow…. So why was Josh born in Etowah?....
DAM: …. Well, by the time that I had him, it was all about comfort and ease… I wasn’t about to drive all the way to Cleveland… and besides, I was working in a beauty shop in Etowah at the time and I did some of Dr. Benson’s nurses’ hair…. So it was quick, easy, and I knew some of the nurses….
Me: …. Cool…. Must have been a comfort to have seen those friendly faces peering out from between those stirrup-thinggies….
DAM: …. Yeah, well…. not really…. nevermind….. maybe….. you know, when I had Joshua there in Etowah, I never made a single sound through the whole labor…. Four hours, it took…. I never had any painkillers through either of y’all’s births…..
Me: …. wow…. that’s hardcore, Mom…. why were you so quiet?... wasn’t it painful?....
DAM: …. Was it PAINFUL?!?!!?... don’t even go there, boy…..
Me: … what?... bhwahhaahha!.... hey, I’ve never had a kid… describe it to me….
DAM: … no…
Me: … okey dokey….. want some Sprite?.....
DAM: …. Actually, I had done the hair of the two nurses that he chose to assist him when Josh was born…. And there was no way in HELL that I was going to have them coming into the salon and spouting off about how I thrashed, cried, or whatever….. so I just never made one single sound during the whole thing….. afterwards I had bruises on my hands from where I pushed against the birthing-chair so hard…. Gossips…. I so hate people that gossip….. but you know, I never uttered a peep…. Not one single sound….. those girls can kiss my ass….
Me: … yes, Momma…. They most certainly can…..
…. ladies and gentlemen, I am here to tell you, my Sainted Mother – when in the right frame of mind – is one helluva chick to be reckoned with…..
… here’s to a speedy recovery….. and a giant hope that I manage to write down everything else she said before it slips from my memory….. rehab is gonna be a blast…..
Best wishes to your ma, Eric!
Bullshitted by That 1 Guy on October 2, 2007 06:37 PMGah... I posted that too soon. I was drinking with my ma a couple of weeks back, a first, and she got pretty wound up. 'Twas a blast...
Bullshitted by That 1 Guy on October 2, 2007 06:39 PMHope mom's doing well. And I hope you saved the old knee to bring to Helen for Happy Hour at The Troll.
Bullshitted by Velociman on October 2, 2007 06:59 PMHope your mom is doing well had some surgery ouch But I'll share all that birthing info in helen HAHHAHAhAhA
Bullshitted by ga on October 2, 2007 07:16 PMBestest wishes to your Sainted Momma. My own, well. She was under some morphine herself for a bout with cellulitis a whiles back, and not only did she describe it as a wholly unpleasant sensation [which I refuse to believe], but I got to the hospital by the time the damned stuff wore off.
Naturally, I was kicking myself that day for the exact same reason you rejoice -- who can resist, I ask you, the prospect of seeing their own mother stoned out of her mind?
Wishing a quick and smooth recovery for your Mom.
Bullshitted by Jean on October 2, 2007 08:22 PMWow, best of luck to your Mama. OUCH. I hear physical therapy is a bitch. She's in my thoughts.
As for seeing Mom's stoned... I have not had that pleasure!
Bullshitted by Bou on October 2, 2007 08:23 PMHope your mom is doing well.
Another Clevelander! Awright! Put on that Tribe Cap!
Next, the seminal question:
East Side or West Side?
... thanks, Joe... you da man....
... Doc wouldnt let me have'em, Velociman.....
... thank you, Georgia... you're a dear... I still have very fond memories of some of your breast-feeding stories.... I am sure that birthing will be quite a hoot....
... rock on, Erica.... I am sorry your missed your chance to see your Momma stoned....
... Peace upon you, Jean....
.. just you wait, Bou... your time of fulfillment is coming....
Bullshitted by Eric on October 2, 2007 08:35 PM.. different Cleveland, Cappy..... but I appreciate the brotherhood.... and which side?.... the SOUTH side.... waaaaaay south....
Bullshitted by Eric on October 2, 2007 08:36 PMI'm a little late, but I hope your momma is doing very well. Yeah, PT is a bitch. Tell her she can yell if she wants - the PT person won't go gossiping about it cause everyone does. *grin*
My mother doesn't need Mr. Morphine to say weird stuff. I don't even want to be anywhere near if she ever has to have it... really.
A speedy recovery to the Straight White Mom.
Bullshitted by Jimbo - PRS on October 2, 2007 10:30 PMA speedy recovery to your sainted Mama...she sounds like good peeps...bet she's fun even without Mr. Morphine.
Bullshitted by Elisson on October 2, 2007 11:35 PMHope your Mom flies through her recovery and is breaking that knee in soon...!
Bullshitted by pam on October 3, 2007 07:52 AMWishing your mom all the best. Heard therapy is tough. But the payoff is grand, people wonder why they waited.
Now Eric as for, "just you wait, Bou... your time of fulfillment is coming...." Wow! that could be the only fun part of surgery to look forward to...well that and getting better. :-)
Bullshitted by h~ on October 3, 2007 09:36 AMYour camera takes video, right? You know how to upload to YouTube, right? Sheeeesh, dude...do I have to spell it out?
In all seriousness, I hope she's feeling much better already!
I've been beaten to the punch numerous times but I hope your Mom has a speedy recovery.
As for rehab, well, Jim Beam makes a handy psychologist when needed.
Bullshitted by G on October 3, 2007 07:40 PMHere's hoping your mama has a speedy recovery!
As for YOU...live with the guilt that THAT little story has convinced me to put off the inevitable for another year. All that grinding you hear from up north is my knees!
Bullshitted by Raging Mom on October 4, 2007 08:40 AMI hope your Mom has a quick and easy recovery! :)
Bullshitted by Richmond on October 4, 2007 09:24 AMEric,
My Mom on painkillers? Not a pretty sight. The last time, she was in a rage at the hospital, totally out of control. The nurses asked if anyone was spending the night with her. We all shook our heads and said, "See you in the morning!" It takes her a good 14 days to totally come down off of morphine.
Hope your Ma has a speedy recovery. Take some more notes!
Best to your mom and yourself.
Bullshitted by vw bug on October 4, 2007 06:49 PMBest wishes for a speedy recovery for your mom.
Bullshitted by james old guy on October 5, 2007 06:39 AM