Falling....

…. the Black Widow that hunted in my backyard most of the summer has gone on to the Great Spider Web in the Sky….. winter seems to be just around the corner these days…..

… I walked out this morning in the cool, autumn air to check on her and found her little nook empty…. well, empty except for an egg-sack about the size of a grape with two or three fire ants slowly peeling away the layers of silk that encased it……a long-ago wound that had healed haphazardly at the base of a sweet gum tree had been her home for many months…..

… I went to the garage and found my Amdro and sprinkled it around the base of the tree where the genocide was taking place…. It’ll take care of the ants in a few days, I suppose…. but the damage to The Next Generation was done…. you can’t take stuff like that back… once a nest is cracked, it is finished……

…. It was a bit depressing, really, finding her gone…. and then to see the foragers robbing her nest…. secreting the embryos down the scaly bark towards the ant-burrow….

… that’s just the way it goes, though….. life is a struggle…. sometimes you eat the bear… sometimes the bear eats you…. sometimes you’re the windshield…. sometimes you’re the bug…. sometimes all you can do is the very BEST that you can do and then let the chips fall where they may….. etc, etc….. y’all get the point….

…. It is as one of Anne Rice’s vampires once said, I guess….. “we go into legend… or into the fire..” ……. Fuck….

…. I heard today that an old workmate of mine – from years ago – took a nosedive off of a Scottish cliff a few weeks back and ended her young life…. intentionally…... leaving behind a husband and a son….. and lots of heartbroken friends…..

….. sitting here now, I cannot help hearing the same phrase run through my mind…. again and again and again…. like waves hurling themselves at the hull of an anchored boat… connected to Earth by a tether but still rocking and bobbing with each new assault…..

…. “I love life…. I adore life…. I will never let go… no matter how horrible everything becomes, I will hold…. I will claw…. I will live…. I will try….. I will rage…. I will struggle…. I WANT to live…I lust after the marrow that every new day brings… I want to feel, to eat, to drink, to breathe, to touch, to kiss, to find, to reach, to search, to create…. “ …..

…. but I guess that life isn’t really like that…… no matter how hard some of us struggle to survive & provide….. with enough time and pressure, that whole old “diamond” analogy just doesn’t pan out, does it?…… with enough time and pressure, we become diamonds?..... I am torn….

… some days I believe it… and some days I don’t…. but one thing is for certain – and that is this……. I will never give up….. no matter how shitty this whole stinking world can get sometimes, I know that if I look hard enough, and long enough, I will find beauty….. if not inside me, then from some other source……. but it will always be there…. waiting….. I just have to choose to see it…… to find it….. to want it…..

…. And I want to see it…. I truly, truly do….

by Eric on September 20, 2007 | Bullshit (6) | TrackBack (0) | Thinking
Bullshit So Far

Eric,

That's good to hear. You can put me out of my misery, if I don't get out of Indiana pretty damn soon!

Bullshitted by Jerry on September 20, 2007 10:04 PM

Sounds like you need to wear the mullet again for a bit.

Bullshitted by zonker on September 21, 2007 07:05 AM

And so you know....that DESIRE to find the beauty? The goodness? That's a gift, Sir. And one I'm glad you have.

And share......

Bullshitted by Tammi on September 21, 2007 07:38 AM

Your outlook is absolutely inspirational and it is something that I strive for every day. I've been in the dark dark place, and not a day goes by that I'm not thankful that I was finally able to see the good in most situations, and not just the bad.

Bullshitted by Mia on September 21, 2007 09:22 AM

One of your best posts ever. Even if it's a bit heavy on the sentiment. This is the kind of post that you write better than anybody else...

Bullshitted by Elisson on September 21, 2007 02:41 PM

…. And I want to see it…. I truly, truly do….
It's very likely, then, that you will.

Well said. In every way.

Bullshitted by Joan of Argghh! on September 21, 2007 06:28 PM