Confused.....

... a few days ago I was watching a documentary on the Military Channel and something happened that I still am having trouble getting to grips with..... the documentary was regarding the terrorist attacks in India and it focused on the excellent work that their elite special forces, the Black Cats, carried out...

... as part of the interviews during the documentary, an English business man who had been a guest in one of the hotels under siege said, "When I heard the shooting and knew that the terrorists were in the hotel going room to room, my very first thought - and all I could think about - is how much it is going to hurt when I get shot.... I was terrified at the thought." ..... I cannot imagine that mindset..... even now, days after the fact, I am still trying to process that man's thoughts.....

... the reason that I am so confused is that my initial reaction to his statement was so completely different..... as soon as his words escaped the speakers on my television, I was appalled...... I thought to myself, why would you just wait to die?.... I tried to imagine myself in his situation, and it became very real to me...... the disturbing part to me is that I thought, "there are terrorists going room to room killing people.... how do I use surprise and whatever is in my room to take away his weapon and kill him?" .......

.. I am still trying to figure out why my reaction was so different..... is there something innately more aggressive about my personality?.... do I have a greater will to live?..... is it because of my training in the military that I have this mindset, or was the mindset in place before I joined the Corps?..... did my parents raise me to be more independent and proactive?..... have I seen too many James Bond, John Wayne, and Superhero movies?..... is the psychology of Americanism such that will not roll over and play dead?...... am I some sort of archaic monster with too much ego, an overinflated sense of self-confidence, and an overload of testosterone?........

... I don't know the answer, but the question continues to fill me with a sense of uncertainty....

.... what would you do?..... would you grab a lamp and go down swinging?.... or would you huddle in the bathroom waiting patiently in horror to be shot?.....

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