Skunk.....

.... this morning's Coffee & Patio expedition was interrupted slightly by a frolicking (and blissfully ignorant of my presence nearby dutifully holding down a patio chair, reading Smithsonian, and sipping coffee) striped skunk.....

.... first time that I've seen a skunk in the back yard before, actually.... and boy, was he happy with himself..... sniffing here, there, hither and yon.... running a few paces and repeating the process..... he was the most self-involved that I have ever seen a woodland creature be..... sniff, run, sniff, nibble, etc..... little guy passed within twenty feet of me and never even raised his beady little eyes from the grass and dust......

.... he eventually disappeared into the jungle on the right-hand side of the back yard and I returned to my reading without serious incident.....

... by the way, did y'all know that John Paul Jones (the Father of Our Navy) died in Paris at the age of 45?...... no?..... well, he did, trust me....... his grave in Paris was forgotten over the years, and in 1905 a group of Americans dug up his moldering bones and brought them back to the USA after proper identification..... he now lies, resting peacefully in a beautiful sarcophagus, in the Chapel of the Naval Academy in Annapolis.....

.... some stuff you just can't make up......

..... anyway, I'm off on a field trip to my Sainted Mother's house for some chicken casserole....... y'all be careful out there...... you never know when a skunk - whether real or proverbial - will take a notion to wander past......

Read the Bullshit »

Penelope.....

... today has been spent futilely watering the lawn and picking out salmon recipes for dinner....... (the watering was the futile part, actually, not the recipes....) ....

.... you know, if you water your lawn long enough - with the breeze tossing the droplets occasionally and the sunlight working its way through the green branches of the trees - there is a Great Zen that will descend upon you...... you feel the cool water on your hands as you thumb-off the end of the hose...... you smell the moisture, feel the sunlight..... and if you hold your head just right, you imagine that you can hear the plants as they drink...... shining in their wetness and smiling at you while you work...... thankfully, almost......

.... at least that's the way that my mind tried to make standing in the sunshine sweating a worthwhile chore.....

...... funny thing, really...... in the entire history of my life I've only ever participated in two theatrical efforts...... and in each of them I played a guy named George...... the first role of 'George' was in Mrs. Cantrell's 11th grade English class as we studied (or attempted to study) Steinbeck's "Of Mouse and Men"..... I played George Milton......

.... when I was a senior in high school I played George Gibbs..... the widowed husband of Emily Webb......

.... for reasons known only to Heaven Above and Wet Grass, both of those memories came back to me today as I fought off sunburn, mosquitoes, and sprayed the lawn...... weird, I guess.......

.... but for those of you who are not boned-up on your "Our Town", here's a little clip for your enjoyment..... and hey, I know it is a bit long.... but it is worth it...... y'all can trust Uncle Eric on that one......

..... and if you took the time to watch the first one?..... then waste another six minutes and give this one a gander...... it won't hurt a bit, I promise..... well, it might..... but it is worth it.....

...... I'm off to heat up the skillet for the salmon and mix myself a gin and tonic......

Read the Bullshit »

Peace.....

.... times, places, people, things, moods, sounds, smells, tastes....... these are the things that our lives are made of, folks....... and this is beautiful.....

..... there is nothing quite like reclining beside a lazy riverbank and having yourself measured by an inchworm.......

Read the Bullshit »

Moistened......

..... earlier today I arrived inside from watering the lawn and sat down to read a lovely book called "The Discovery of Scotland", by Maurice Lindsay..... it's quite an extraordinary little book that focuses on ancient written accounts from foreigners as they flitted around The Old Country..... as a matter of fact, the by-line for the 1st edition (published in 1964) is "Based on Accounts of Foreign Travelers from the Thirteenth to the Eighteenth Centuries"....

.... as a lover of language, it is enthralling to see old-style English in a modernly published form..... and all in all, all I can say is that we modern scribblers are extremely fucking dry in our writing prowess.... and our predecessor's vocabularies are veritable zoos compared to our cramped and ineffectual little menageries.....

..... and as an example, I'll give you a small extract from Captain Edward Burt's visit to Edinburgh in 1726.... he is describing the emptying of chamber pots.....

"We supped very plentifully, and drank good French claret, and were very merry till the clock struck ten, the hour when everybody is at liberty, by beat of the city drum, to throw their filth out at the windows. Then the company began to light pieces of paper and throw them upon the table to smoke the room, and as I thought, to mix one bad smell with another.

Being in my retreat to pass through a long narrow wynde or alley, to go to my new lodgings, a guide was assigned me, who went before me to prevent my disgrace, crying out all the way with a loud voice, 'Hud your haunde'. Throwing up of a sash or otherwise opening a window, made me tremble, while behind and before me, at some little distance, fell the terrible shower.

Well, I escaped all the danger, and arrived, not only safe and sound, but sweet and clean, at my new quarters; but when I was in bed I was forced to hide my head between the sheets; for the smell of the filth, thrown out by the neighbours on the back side of the house, came pouring into the room to such a degree, I was almost poisoned by the stench."

.... personally I just love the way that Mr. Burt breaks up his sentences with cleverly placed commas instead of using verbs..... and while I enjoyed his tale of dodging human waste whilst attempting to get home, the really cutting language came in the small paragraph that followed his quote...... and here it is in all its glory....

This unsanitary menace took some eradicating, for even after Edinburgh Town Council had put the practice outside the law, Dr. Johnson was still able to observe, half a century later, that at ten o'clock, many a splendid head-dress was "moistened into flaccidity".

..... did y'all catch that?..... "moistened into flaccidity"?...... I'm sorry, but that is one helluva beautiful phrase.... who would pen such pretty words in this day and age?..... and add to the idea that those expressive, eloquent words are being applied to one having shit dumped on their heads, and you simply have sheer brilliance......

.... of course, Dr. Johnson DID write the Dictionary of the English Language back in 1755...... so one would expect his vocabulary to be pretty damn spiffy.....

Read the Bullshit »

Finally......

.... the Missus and I zipped up to the mall at Turkey Creek today for lunch and a movie.... we had a fine meal at a relatively new place called 'Irish Times' - an Irish-themed pub & restaurant run by a transplanted Dubliner..... the menu was quite refreshing and it was dotted here and there with 'traditional' Irish dishes - bangers & mash, fish & chips, corned beef & cabbage, shepherd's pie, etc.... but as I wasn't feeling all that adventurous after fighting the Knoxville traffic, I settled on a humble cheeseburger..... and I wasn't disappointed....

... but by far and away the BEST part of the meal was the fact that Irish Times carries genuine drunken Irish pub food..... I could hardly believe my eyes when I gave the menu the once-over - and I just had to sample it..... and it was awesome...... but what delectable, mythical, and rare noshable am I fawning over??..... well, boys and girls, they had curried chips!!.... beautifully cooked French fries with a big bowl of curry sauce for dunking them in...... good god, people.... curried chips!...

... as anyone who has spent time in Britain or Ireland will tell you, there is nothing that quite finishes off a night of closing down bars than staggering down a cobblestoned alley clutching a bag of chips that are soaked in a hot, rich, Indian curry sauce..... trust me, folks, I was taught by the best.... and I have had many, many pokes of chips with curry sauce....

.... the only fair substitute would be the greasiest, tastiest char siu chow mein that you could lay your hands on at 2am, but I digress.....

..... so, yes..... I am happy to report that with the arrival of Irish Times on her doorstep, Knoxville has now officially become a Civilized City.... forget hosting the World's Fair back in 1982, forget the Vols winning the National Championship back in 1998.... people of East Tennessee, hear me!..... we now have curried chips!.... hot damn......

Read the Bullshit »

Content....

.... my ancient Egyptian figurines are seriously letting me down..... all three of them are sitting here staring at me..... and not ONE of them is offering a SPECK of creative thought..... it's pretty dire.....

.... Horus is particularly disappointing.... I always had such high hopes for him....... Sekhmet?... she was always a bit hit-or-miss, really..... and truthfully, well, I never held out much hope for the scarab beetle.... but Horus?.... I thought for sure he'd be one helluva go-to guy.... so much for renewal, I guess...... it is more than a little disappointing......

..... in other news, an old pal of mine dropped by this afternoon for a few games of billiards and a tuna sandwich.... and I am happy to report that I held the table well..... and in spite of him being a fairly accomplished shootist, I managed to only concede two games out of seven........(unlike a few days ago when I played ole Big Stupid Tommy and beat him like a rented mule.... sorry, Tommy, but 0-8 is just rough..... feel free to come over any time!...) ....

..... anyway, I'm off to rummage for something to eat for dinner..... it's quarter til 7 and I am hungry!....

Read the Bullshit »

Indecision.....

... everything has a place, I suppose....

.... it's a simple enough notion, really..... but for some reason I find it a little astonishing at times..... sitting here this morning, I keep looking out the window at one of the dogwood trees that died this spring....

... tall, half-mature.... thin, but still large enough to have berried just last spring, it is gangly and cracked now..... bracketed between another of its drought-fallen brethren and a hardy oak, it stands leafless with bits of bare wood showing where dried bark has sloughed......

.... I've contemplated taking axe to hand and removing it, but I have always stopped just shy of beginning the task... should I remove it just because it is dead?..... what is the purpose of a lawn, really?.... is there not beauty in the ragged form it now takes?.... and lessons to be learned by letting it stand?

.... even in decay, it is useful to some..... Life thrives on it.... I see woodpeckers come and go - pausing to peck and search in the folds of flaking bark... in death is it not just as beautiful - and useful - as it was in life?..

..... then again, maybe I'm just the lazy neighbor who has a dead tree in his yard......

.... I need more coffee to continue contemplation....

Read the Bullshit »

Duty.....

..... beef fillets wrapped in bacon are marinating, folks..... eggs have been devil'd..... a salad has been Caesar-ized.... potatoes are baking.... and a sapphire G&T is calling my name plaintively from the garage....

.... the real kicker?..... I'm a total sucker for plaintive name-calling.... it gets me every single time...... and honestly, who am I to make a gin and tonic unhappy?..... nay, nay, twice again nay..... I shall soldier on and do my duty..... for what purpose has a man if it is not to Do His Duty?.....

... I tell ya, it's hard to have fun in a place like this, but I do try so very, very hard.... life is a struggle each and every day.....

.... oh, and the mimosa in the back yard is sporting her first blooms in seven years!.... all I need now is some orange juice and champagne....

Read the Bullshit »

Father's Day.....

..... more music, I'm afraid....... but still, it is good music......

..... for Dad..... I wish that you were still around, sir...... you are missed..... very, very much so....

.........Mexican Home......

.... my Pa died at the end April and not August, but still, it seems the same to me... he is missed.....

Read the Bullshit »

Waits....

....... poetry, folks..... check it....

... beautiful, beautiful stuff...... I wish that I could write like that!.....

.... "I guess I'm going that-a-way..... just as long as its paved"......

Read the Bullshit »

Road....

... this was on TCM today while I prepared for the family dinner....... I tell you, one day you are pithless and the next day?.... surrounded by pith helmeted explorers and crazy-haired African natives...... it is either feast or famine, I guess....

..... pretty good clip, no?...... then again, perhaps pith isn't the way to go..... and I should pretend to be Stewart Granger ala Allan Quatermain and find myself some sort of slouchy fedoraesque thing with a leopard skin hatband..... although with my freckles, I doubt I could pull it off very well.......

..... but still, you do have to admit that Deborah Kerr wears a pith helmet pretty damn well.....

... but, ahhhh, it's all good.... I suspect that my Cubs baseball cap will have to suffice for the time being.......

... oh, and speaking of driving around topless with a Cubs cap, here's a little clip of me heading to town earlier today for a sandwich...... the Waits tune?... "Wrong Side of The Road", of course..... enjoy.....

Read the Bullshit »

Pith......

..... my quest for a suitable pith helmet to wear as I zip around in Sylvia with the top down has gotten a bit complicated..... evidently there are three distinct styles of helmet that I have to choose from..... and, as it stands, I am torn.......

.... in this clip, for instance, there is the classic British Military Issue 1871 style..... and while I love the movie "Zulu", I don't think that it would provide quite enough sunshine protection....... check it out...

..... I know, I know.... while it looks pretty smart, it's just a bit too stiff-upper-lippish for me...... besides, I have a long, sun-sensitive neck that needs protection...... so I'm leaning towards 'miss' on that model.....

.... next up, we have the British Military Issue 1895 style...... here's a beautiful example of it...snazzy and stylish, no?......

.... and lastly, there is the British WWI 'Wolseley' pattern helmet.... and for the sake of comparison, here she is in all of her Victorian Colonial splendor..... check it....

...... beautiful choices all, I know, but still, I am torn....... any thoughts on the matter of proper headwear whilst cruising in a pearl white Audi A4 with the top down?....... a baseball cap just ain't going to do it, I'm afraid..... and anything much larger than that will blow away in the breeze!......

..... I'm thinking the Wolseley, actually...... damn, I'm gonna be stylin'.......

Read the Bullshit »

Eggs.....

.... I wandered into my sleepy little town this morning for a haircut.... and an hour and a half later I was finally back home.... I had arrived fifteen minutes prior to my appointment to find Eva in mid-snip with an extremely chatty octogenarian while another elderly lady watched on..... I settled myself in, lit up a cigarette, and watched those three old birds chirp and cackle.....

.... the topic for today's Little Southern Hair Salon?.... well, the woman that Eva was working her hairspray magic on seemed to be having chicken troubles.... something about a tiny hole in their fence and how she had to shoo them all back into their coop two or three times per day... and how thankful she was that she only had chickens and no roosters..... she giggled once and eyed everyone in the room evilly.... her eyes sparkled just a tiny bit, and she began....

"that Mamma hen decided she'd try to get out yesterday, but she learned her lesson..... just because those little chicks can slip out through that tiny gap, she now knows SHE certainly cant!.... she had her head and most of her neck out of that hole and she got herself STUCK.... HA!.... I bet I stretched her little neck THREE inches trying to pull her out backards!".....

.... folks, I was born and raised in the country..... this IS my proverbial neck of the woods..... and I was awestruck....

... the conversation then went on to the mythical existence of blue chicken eggs... they were 2 to 1 against, in case you are curious... but the one who claimed that they did indeed exist was not a woman to be put off lightly.... in fact, she was quite steadfast in her belief that not only did blue chicken eggs actually exist (she said she'd seen'em being laid with her very own eyes!), but she went one further and reported that she'd also seen a white chicken lay a GREEN egg once.... whoooo boy, you could have cut the tension in the room with a butter knife, let me tell ya....

... after the egg argument subsided and a general decorum had been harrumphingly reached, the conversation turned to lazy Southern school daze gone by.... and then, almost instinctively, each of them shared a very touching story about being set upon and 'flogged' by giant, vicious cockerels when they were just young lasses..... I was amazed...... there was talk of Sunday dresses ripped to shreds, petticoats being carelessly torn, and more than one tear being shed out of complete fear for their lives.....

... good god...... having never raised chickens before, I have to admit that I had absolutely no idea that roosters attacked young Southern girls back in the 1940s & 50s with such a shocking regularity...... I swear, I never knew that getting a haircut could be such an educational experience....

Read the Bullshit »

Africa.....

.... color me jealous.... very, very jealous...

.... oh, and in spite of me having culled the 'herd', there is another damnable squirrel on the birdfeeder this morning..... but hey, at least I don't have the same trouble as this intrepid fellow..... you rock, JT.... hit'em once for me......

Read the Bullshit »

Two.....

..... I popped another evil squirrel this morning just prior to noon....... and I must say that I was most pleased with the results....... unlike her buddy that I laid low a few weeks ago, this one actually attempted a genuine skedaddle when I appeared on the deck with my little rifle......

..... it really was beautiful..... the wind blew the trees, the leaves ruffled, the air was sweet, and she scampered from branch to branch for nearly two minutes before she stopped....... and then, there she sat.... 100 feet away, and near the top of a poplar tree..... and she sat, and sat, and sat..... eyeing me the whole time......

..... I laughed as I sat cross-legged with the scope to my eye - just as Primary Marksmanship Instructor Gilliard had taught me..... left elbow on left knee, right elbow on right knee - poised in the perfect structural stance......

....I laughed at her attempt to flee.... I laughed again at her gloatingly sitting high up in that tree, and having the nerve to pause to finish off one of my almonds that she had grasped firmly in her gnarled paws........ she thought that she was out of reach........ but she was so very, very wrong.....

.... and so, with a squeeze of an easy trigger, her thieving days were done...... I do dearly love watching those varmints die..... so thanks again, Redneck....... two shots, two kills....... 1 from 20yds.... and 1 from 34yds..... that little Ruger is a peach, bro.......

..... on a sad and slightly disgusting note, I do have to say that I did make a bit of a strategic error this morning..... for after my shot, I sidled back inside and gloated to myself for an hour or so over a cup of fresh coffee and a biscuit..... and the scene that presented itself when I finally got around to disposing of the 'corpse' was horrific......

..... that poor, humble, kleptomaniac little beastie was absolutely covered in green flies by the time I finally reached her body...... nature at work, I suppose...... but the worst part was that there were four huge hornets buried waist-deep in the squidgy part of her gaping chest wound licking at the moisture...... I dared not move her for fear of being stung by a gore-soaked hornet....... so I retired to the comforts of the air conditioning once again for a re-think....

.... eventually I decided that I should just stroll out and spray the entire area with wasp killer and then toss the body...... which is exactly what I did...... squirrel, wasps, flies, and every other feasting creature were laid very, very low by the blast......... but I did see a queer thing as I hoisted the body....... the entire underside was coated in a layer of fire ants........ I gave them a quick spray and then tossed her into the woods on the right side of the house.......

.... sitting here now, I am not in the least repentant....... but I AM quite shocked to have learned just how quickly Mother Nature works during a hot, humid, moist summer.....

..... within three hours of hitting the ground stone-dead, there were probably 3,000 insects already dismembering her stiffening corpse to feed their broods......... THREE HOURS!....... two species of wasp, three species of flies, and four species of ant were all working their well-evolved magic........ it was amazing....... scary, of course, but amazing.........

..... it is at times like these that we are rudely awakened about where exactly we truly ARE on the food chain........ we may have guns, knives, explosives, pesticides, and any number of other offensive weapons...... but in the end, it doesnt really matter....... the bugs are going to get us....... maybe not today or tomorrow, but soon.... and for the rest of our lives.......

....sleep tight, rubberneckers........

..... and remember...... it is always best to dispose of the body as quickly as possible....... waiting around and having a cup of tea does no one a favor........ trust me.....

Read the Bullshit »

Click.....

.... I am a fairly laid back fellow, really.... relaxed, chilled, mellow, etc... and it usually takes quite a ruckus to get a rise out of me..... that said, I simply cannot abide a bloodcurdling scream..... sirens, church bells, trains honking at crossings, firearms going off, whacked-out drummers, it's all good.... I don't even mind hearing a good, lungy shout every once in a while.... but let somebody break loose with a terrified shriek, and every cell in my freckled body goes on alert....

.... it's not the actual sound, per se, but more the idea that if someone is afraid enough to scream, then there is probably good reason for ME to be afraid too.... and add to the general mayhem that while they are terrified, I have no idea what danger or fearful thing is posing such a threat nearby!!.... so yes, an unexpected shriek of terror slams me with a hair-twitching double whammy....

.... I mention this because of an incident yesterday, of course.....

.... I had just returned inside from carrying a glass of wine out to the hammock where The Missus was happily reading a book when it happened....

.... just as buttocks met leather in the comfort of the blogroom, a scream of epic proportions rang out from my back yard... and assuming that a monster, zombie, landshark, rapist, murderer, rattlesnake, coyote, black bear, Cyclops, or serial killer was in the process of messing with The Missus, I leapt into action...... immediately armed, I rounded the corner into the kitchen just as a breathless, wide-eyed, wild-haired Scottish woman jerked the door open..... and after a once-over assessment to see that she wasn't bleeding and was neither covered in claw, fang, or gunshot wounds, I inquired.....

.... "what's wrong?"....
"ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod."
..... "easy now.... who do I need to kill?"....
"something.... something.... something, I just don't know"
...."what the hell are you talking about?"
"I was reading and something suddenly hit me in the stomach and then went 'POP!'"
...... "how big was it?... where is it now?"...
"I only saw it for a second. I've never seen anything like it before. I was kinda like a bug, but it had these huge eyes!"
...."huge eyes?"....
"yep. Huge.Staring.Eyes..... it landed on my stomach and then went 'POP!' and then jumped a few times."
...." wow..... this I just gotta see..... "

..... sure enough, it was still sitting there on the hammock when we walked back out....

.... and so, ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to a Alanus Oculatus.... or, as we like to call'em here in the backwoods of Tennessee, an Eastern Eyed Click Beetle..... sucker was an inch and a half long and quite pretty, really, once you realized that it was incapable of biting, stinging, or otherwise causing any bodily harm to man or beast.....

.... I ended up just swishing it off of the hammock and peace and calm soon returned..... and much more lounging was soon taking place.....

... but wow..... there sure was an adrenalin rush there for a while.... I guess there's just nothing that quite punctuates a balmy Sunday afternoon quite like a bloodcurdling scream.....

Read the Bullshit »

Curves.....

.....the Missus was up earlier than usual this morning and I prepared us a modest breakfast....... coffee, orange juice, a pound of bacon, and two fried eggs each (with black pepper and sea salt sprinkled liberally across the yolks.).... and by 11:30am she was rearing for a road trip....... and so, we wandered......

.... I dropped the top on Sylvia and we drove south on US Highway 411 towards the "community market" that the Amish people down in Polk county administer.... it was a great day to be driving the back roads of deepest, darkest Polk county..... the Sun was shining hot, the sky was filled with haze, and the Hiawassee River was cloaked in a mist of evaporation........ after 20 minutes on the road, I was forced to don my baseball cap to keep my head from cooking.... but other than that, it was a nice drive in the country......

.... everyone in the county south of me must have been given some coordinated cosmic clue to mow their hay this weekend....... I must have passed fifty 100 acre-plus fields of hay that were in the process of being harvested...... the smell of the cut grass simply soaked us with the ragtop down........ all in all, I piloted the little Audi down roads today that I had never been on in my entire life....... twisty, hilly, unpaved country roads that were an absolute pleasure to explore.......

..... on the way home I stopped at the old L & N Depot in Etowah...... there was some sort of carshow going on there, and she begged me to stop...... it was way too hot, of course, but we did manage to brave the throngs of folk to visit with a few antique cars..... two - in particular - stood out....... a 1949 Mercury convertible that was painted white with blue and yellow flames flooding back from its engine area, and a '58 Buick that was the most incredible two-tone..... turquoise blue and jet black........ my goodness, I've never been a fan of fins before, but that car sure was pretty......... there's just something about the grill-attitude that those old Buicks have that just makes me smile....... I'm still happy to report that I am a true Mercury Man, though........ I am glad that one was present today.... even if it was a convertible, it still had The Curves........

.... and in the end, well, you can keep your fins as far as I am concerned...... because when all is said and done, it is ALL about the curves...... and nothing beats a Mercury when it comes to curves......

Read the Bullshit »

Alien.....

.... when I was six years old the movie "Alien" came out..... it hit the movie theaters in May, and by late that year it was already on television....... back in the day, that movie was a phenomenon....... absolutely everyone was talking about it...... and I can remember staying up late - just before my 7th birthday in October - and screaming through clenched eyelids as my Father and I watched it......

..... two weeks later my Godmother, Lucille, purchased a 12" plastic "Alien" action figure for me on the occasion of my birthday......

.... it was horrible..... there was a switch on the back of its heard that you could flick down that would make its jaw open and that crazy little 'inner-jaw' pop out..... it had the long, moveable - and deadly - tail.... the big scraggly feet.... the claw-like hands...... it was horrible.....

.... I remember that after Lucille had left, my Dad led me to bed, tucked me in, told me 'happy birthday', and sat that damn alien on my nightstand so that it was the first thing that I saw each time I opened my scared eyes to investigate each creak and moan of our old house's floorboards... I was mortified..... and after a tense twenty minutes of fidgeting, I called for my Momma to come through and put the horrible plastic personage somewhere AWAY from me.......

.... she laughed and tossed it into the closet with all of my other toys...... and I've never been able to look at a night-time closet the same way since..... and that is a fact......

.... it's kinda funny, really....... now, well, I am a huge fan of all the "Alien" genre of movies...... sure, you have to forgive a lot of plot screw-ups, but the overall feel of the movies is quite cool..... and they don't scare me in the least now.....

... but what I DO find so odd is how badly space travel was depicted back in 1979..... I mean, what is up with the lack of light bulbs in our far distant future?..... we can have a compelling, humanistic android that will pass as a human Science Officer, but 90% of our ship is shadows, abject darkness, and steadily dripping spigots?..... somehow I just don't imagine that there are a lot of dark corners OR leaky water valves in the International Space Station or the orbiting Shuttle...... then again, perhaps I'm completely wrong.... and our astronauts hang out up there on the ISS in dirty wife-beaters, dangling Marlboro ash, and searching for lost stuff in dimly lit corners when they get bored.....

.... I bring all of this up merely because I happened to wake up from a nap this afternoon and catch the middle bit of "Alien".... and perhaps it is because I have seen the other three movies AND the Alien vs.. Predator one, but it just seems so laughable to watch Sigourney Weaver and those two hammerheads wander around in the dark with a hemp net, a flashlight, and a cattle prod trying to catch a fully grown alien...... I mean, c'mon.... a cattle prod?.... and a net?......

.... what kind of futuristic space ship has a cattle prod on board instead of a damn laser gun?......

.... anyway, I managed to fall back asleep before Mr. Skerritt got munched - which was good.... but unfortunately for y'all, I woke up in time to post this...... which is bad if you guys are you.......

.... oh, and before I forget... what kind of idiot goes back into an alien infested spaceship with its self-destruct ticking to fetch a damned cat??....... surely by that point in the future you can just pick a few cat hairs off of your sweater and have some scientist whip you up a newly cloned one with very little trouble........

Read the Bullshit »

Confused.....

..... would one of you literary types out there please take a few moments to explain something to me?.... I've never read Stephen King's "The Shining" - and I don't plan to any time soon - but I HAVE seen the movie about thirty times..... so what the hell is the deal with Nicholson's character showing up in that photograph of the ballroom from the 4th of July Ball in 1921?.... what kind of weird, mystical, Stephen King bullshit is that all about?....

... what did I miss in the movie that must obviously be in the book?..... someone please explain it to me...... every time I get to that bit of the movie, it just pisses me off.....

..... and a pissed off Uncle Eric is an unhappy Uncle Eric..... so toss a man a break, it'll make me happy....

Read the Bullshit »

Gone....

..... hey, does anyone know what the hell happened to Donnie/Bejus?......

..... which direction should we send the search party?......

Read the Bullshit »

Jersey.....

.... it has been an interesting day..... full of lots and lots of jabbing at the figurative and literal anthills of life.... it appears that this whole "jabbing" thing will be a test of endurance, patience, and calmness....... but hey, I am still hopeful........ eternally hopeful......

..... but tonight, well, I have been immersed in Tom Waits music........ so far I have enjoyed "Martha", "Ice Cream Man", and "Ol' 55", and many, many others..... but before I sign off tonight, I'll share the last song that I listened to..... check it out... 'Jersy Girl' as it was intended to have been sung....

..... enjoy your evening, rubberneckers........ I hope that you are all well and that each and every one of you is getting exactly what you deserve this fine, fine evening!.....

...... I am off to commune with the mosquitoes on the back deck and watch the stars!...

Read the Bullshit »

Work....

...... the lawn pixies shall be arriving any time now to service my yard..... the rain from the last few days has seen my grass absolutely rocket towards the heavens, so they definitely will have their work cut out for them....... me?.... I'll spend the morning testing a theory....

.... I was recently out on a government website reading about how to rid my little patch of the fire ants that I mentioned a few days ago, and I was a bit horrified to read some of their proposed ideas...... chiefly among the most devious was to simply prod the anthill every day....

... while that idea sounds simple enough, it is actually quite cunning.... see, in stirring up the ants by breaking a small hole in their nest, you are causing the little dears to work extra-hard to repair the damage.... and if your house-invasion is done on a regular enough basis, this will supposedly cause the ants to expend more energy in rebuilding than they can garner from the local food sources.... thus, the little buggers will literally work themselves to death via slow starvation.....charming, eh?....

.... I don't know what strikes me as oddest, really..... the absolute deviousness of the plan... or the fact that such a heinous strategy would come from our beloved government.....

... either way, the plan for today is to sun myself on the patio, read, write, and rise occasionally to methodically jab fire ant mounds with a small sharpened stick.......

.... after all, it was the government that suggested it..... and who am I to sit by and allow legions of hard-working insects to simply subsist?..... no, sir...... if they insist on sharing my lawn with me, then I'm gonna make them work for every single inch..... it is The American Way..... the government said so........

Read the Bullshit »

Moisture.....

.... the world is wet....

..... thunderstorms arrived late last night and they rumbled and flashed until morning..... they moved off slowly to the northeast as daybreak arrived..... but even now at nearly noon, a few remaining stragglers are still here....

.... absolutely everything is soaked..... bark, limbs, leaves, grass, flowers, and stems - it is all lacquered with a fine sheen of shimmering dampness..... the storms were loud, but the rain that they brought fell unhurried and gently all night long...... even the air is wet...... it smells of the damp, musty earth & the heavy, sweet perfume of honeysuckle blossoms.... warm and moist and sweet, if you close your eyes, you can almost imagine taking a bite out of it.... as if the very atmosphere is somehow laced with candy.....

... the rain is falling so lightly that it hardly makes a noise, and instead there are the clicks & taps of the drips from the leaves....

..... the trees outside my window are losing the moisture as it gathers on their leaves..... languid, fat droplets slide slowly down until they find the edge - and after a moment of hesitation, they drop........ and land with a heavy bursting in the damp grass....

..... a warm, wet, shiny Southern Sunday morning...... all in all, not a bad thing to wake up to......

Read the Bullshit »