Blogs...

… ladies and gentlemen, should you feel so inclined this evening, please venture over and have a read… (me and my compatriot are in Game Four)..... but hey, I aint much for battlin’ (unless it is Scotch-induced), but feel free to give my fellow blogger a read and then cast a vote one way or the other…..

… we’re all cool, children…. and it’s all in fun…. This blogging business is taking psychosis and cirrhosis to a whole new and lovable level….. and hey, it is a very good thing that we let all of our horizons be broadened from time to time…….

.. there is room in this here blogosphere for all of us......

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(12) | TrackBack (0) | Blogging

Entertaining....

…. It is an unfortunate fact that we all live in a world of free-flowing misconceptions…. our news, literature, art, culture - they can all be interpreted differently…. point of view, education, morality, and state-of-mind – they are all act in concert to form our uniquely personal perspectives….

… we witness strange tangents of thought arcing through our lives on an almost daily basis…. And they arrive on our plate of daily intake in a glorious myriad of forms…. conspiracy theories, half-heard punch lines, misspellings on the CNN tickertape…. and in some cases, from blogs….

… I mean, just check this out…. via El Capitan….

According to a couple of sewing websites, pants can require about 1 1/2 yards to 3 yards of fabric to make. You're a pretty tall rangy guy, Eric, so we'll say 3 yards. We'll subtract half a yard to make up the difference between fabric yards and square yards, leaving us with 2.5 square yards.

Dividing 2.5 by 0.042 sq. yards per dead mole gives us 59.52 dead moles! Add in another half dozen for belt loops, zipper covers and pockets, and we're up to 66 dead moles!

So, it looks like you're walking around with your ass covered in 66 dead moles.

…. Moleskins, indeed…..

.. have I told you guys recently just how much I love y’all?.... well, just because I don’t say it very often… hey, that doesn’t mean that I don’t….

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(7) | TrackBack (0) | Blogging

Bushed....

... well, I'm back.... and I am bone-tired..... I ate enormous amounts of wonderful food, drank my weight in adult beverages, and just generally had one big, ole whale-of-a-time..... but yes, I know that I promised y'all some photos...... here goes...

... this is the Brother in Law kicking back in the observatory reading about Lewis and Clark after breakfast....

bil_reading_small.jpg

... here's a shot of the western slopes of the mountains from up near the North Carolina line as I looked back down towards the Tennessee Valley..... pretty, no?.. hey, it's home.....

mountains_small.jpg

... and hey, did y'all see this?.... shameful stuff... see, when I am left to my own devices, I am actually quite a shy creature.... as is shown in this typical photograph of me pondering deeply the Questions of The Universe and The Great Mystery of It All....

pondering_things_small.jpg

... whew... I'm worn out.... more photos of the actual lodge tomorrow...... it was incredible... I cannot recommend it highly enough....

... so goodnight, y'all.... be careful... play nice.... and remember to take your vitamins......

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(8) | TrackBack (0) | Drinking

East...

…. good morning, rubberneckers….. I hope that this fine morning finds you all well and quivering in anticipation of another beautiful day….

…. the Sun is peeking across Starr’s Mountain here and the coffee is hot and strong…. soon the temperature will rise to convertible-range, and my small party of adventurers and I will drop the top and head eastwards into the mountains…. Destination: Santeetlah, North Carolina, and an exquisite lodge tucked away in the Appalachians about 50 miles directly towards this morning's rising Sun….

… what were the words that famous fellow once used?.... “go East, young man…. go East?… “… something along those lines, I believe… my memories of those childhood history classes fail me at times…..

… and I know that you gentle souls will find it hard to fathom, but the next two days promise to be filled with a form of luxury that is seldom enjoyed even around my lair…. Sure, sure, I do alright…. and my home is as comfortable as can be allowed without breaking the state’s various narcotics laws, but where I am headed this afternoon takes countrified-poshness to a whole new level….

… I’m torn though as to what my wardrobe should entail…. On the one hand, I am leaning towards my moleskin trousers and a nice, crisply starched button-down shirt…. And on the other, perhaps I should go all Rajah on the Carolinians and bedeck myself in the easy folds of my white silk Punjabi…. mercy, folks… decisions, decisions…. being a Libra does truly suck sometimes…..

.. one thing, though, is a certainty…. I shall spirit away a fine bottle of cask strength, 16-year old Bowmore into my cherry-paneled apartment, and sip upon it once my bar tab grows to frightening proportions……after all, my Scotch collection rivals even that of the lodge where we’ll be staying…..

…. and don’t you guys & gals worry… my promise of photographs still holds….. Tuesday evening, friends… I’ll post photos Tuesday evening…. you have my word…. always remember that no matter what, y’all can trust Uncle Eric….. it’s what I’m here for…..

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(10) | TrackBack (0) | Drinking

Stones....

… there are days and then there are DAYS…. Today was one of the DAYS…… but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do, no?......

…. still, all is cool….. we’re cooking with gas around these parts nowadays…. and tomorrow?.... we travel…..

…. so, as I know that none of y’all know what the hell I’m talking about, I will sign off……

…. so sing along, children….. it is good for the soul……

… and you know, it IS cheaper than buying Bush Babies to skewer with your homemade spears…..

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(0) | TrackBack (0) | Music

Snowbird....

…. I drove The Missus and her Brother across the Cherahala Skyway yesterday afternoon, and boys and girls, it was amazing….. our high point was 5,235 feet and the views were incredible….. we snapped quite a few photos of the journey and I will post them later tonight… so for now, y’all will just have to take my word for it…. the eastern slope of the Appalachians was a sight to see….

… after 45 or so miles, we dropped down into the hamlet of Robbinsville, NC and stopped at The Snowbird Mountain Lodge for an adult beverage…. We decided right then and there that we’re heading back to the Snowbird to spend the night on Monday…. Hey, any bar that can claim to have a 150 year old Grand Marnier is definitely a place where I would feel at home…..

… as for right now, I’m off in search of lunch for myself and The Brother in Law…. I will be back later with photos of yesterday’s trip…. so watch this space….

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(9) | TrackBack (0) | Drinking

Health...

…. further to commenter Rey B’s concerns, I am incredibly happy to report to you all that I managed to keep last night’s chops from bursting into flames.. and thus, I kept my luxurious pelt singe-free… (my right arm still hasn’t totally recovered from last week’s lamb chop related firebombing) …..

…. so y’all can rest easy, gentle people…. I know how each of you dote upon my health and stay up late into the night wringing your hands worrying for my safety….. but I continue to remain happily orbiting around the cusp of Just Plain Awesome and One Foot In The Grave…. Yin and Yang, and all that funky stuff…. hey, it is the way we’re supposed to live….

… as a case in point, I stopped off at the local Krystal’s yesterday lunchtime and introduced my Brother in Law to the sensory overload that is the Krystal Chili Cheese Pup……ladies and gentlemen, he was absolutely awed by the sheer amount of goodness that could be crammed into such a tiny bun…. Yea, verily… I even heard “God Bless America” slither forth from between his chili-grease stained lips after only the second bite!....

… and after our nutritious meal?... you guessed it, people, I was off to my medical appointment… and there the tender hands of a knowledgeable professional kneaded me back into healthy alignment and soothed my knotted muscles….

… Yin and Yang….. see?....

… anyway, we’re all off for a nice drive into the mountains this afternoon to try to clear our heads with some fresh air after last night’s marathon poker session & smoke-in…. after all, I need to rebuild my strength as much as possible… the First Annual Jawja Blogger Rattlesnake Wrestling Competition in Claxton is only two weeks away….

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(4) | TrackBack (0) | Blogging

Young....

…. grilling lamb chops again this evening…. the sky is blue, the weather is dry, and the Brother in Law just mixed me a G&T…. you know you have reached the pinnacle of uncivilized behavior when you start leaving the adults of a barnyard species alone and take to nibbling on their young….

… but still, lamb is a yummy, yummy thing…. with mint sauce and new potatoes?..... oh yeah, I know it is bad… but I just cant help myself…..

… in other news, hey, did any of you guys happen to catch that Florida judge crying his eyes out at the Anna Nicole hearing?..... what a totally bizarre scene…… I hope he gets a really butch guy to play him in the movie version….

.... Otherwise his reputation for being a badass will be completely ruined for life…..

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(6) | TrackBack (0) | Ummm, Ok....

Dubya....

…. I caught a glimpse of our beloved leader this afternoon down in Chattanooga….. he’d just finished having a vigorous lunch at Porker’s BBQ…. no, really…. See, he’d delivered a speech on his new Healthcare ideas earlier, and he probably must have felt a bit famished… so, as you do, he nipped on in for some good ole Tennessee pulled-pork…

… my goodness, rubberneckers… how fantastic is that?…. Healthcare and BBQ on the same trip…. you’ve just got to love that…. hell, if I were the President, I’d have BBQ and macaroni and cheese at least once every day…. and garlic & cheese biscuits….. and a few nice tumblers of single malt to take the edge off of those late-nite international homeboy-freakout calls….

... Anywhoo, here are a few snaps that we took today as we tried to make our way past all the security…

..... here's GW waving in my general direction as he walks towards his custom Caddy.....

president_small.jpg

.. and here is a Officer of the Law who didn't really give us the warm & fuzzies about having his photograph taken while he was busy guarding the Prez.....

poleece_small.jpg

… boys and girls, it took us FOREVER to get to the bar in the Easy Seafood Company….. but still, the photos turned out pretty good, no?.... and the seafood sampler platter was well worth the wait….. and hey, I got to see the President of the United States..... all in all, a pretty groovy day....

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(13) | TrackBack (0) | Drinking

Noogies....

….. over the course of the past two days, I have introduced my Brother in Law to the epic television mini-series “Lonesome Dove”…. and we’ve bonded…..

… I cannot describe, really, how very deeply I love that show…. Augustus, Woodrow, Pete, Newt, and Deets….. they are part of me…. hell, I even have an autographed photo of Duvall as 'Augustus' hanging here in the blogroom just behind my chair…

… I left him alone with the movie for the most part…. only dropping in occasionally to tell him of an upcoming scene or to warn him to pay particular attention to a certain bit of dialogue that was brilliant…

… last night we watched the final hour-long segment together…. And I asked him to listen closely to the part where Gus and Pete are sitting up on horseback talking about the herd of buffalo ambling along ahead of them….

.. good God, people… I do so love that snippet of dialogue….

… I mean, just imagine it for a minute…… why should they chase the buffalo?... what is the purpose of life?.... what are the consequences of indecision or a lifetime of untaken opportunities?.... are danger, folly, and childish impetuousness the spice of life?.... carpae diem?.. is it better to live life by playing it safe, or is it more important to grab life by the collar, sling it to the floor and laugh as you give it a noogie?..... regardless of the consequences?.....

…. I swear, all of that was present as Pete and Augustus bandied words from atop their mounts and the buffalo grazed…

… and then, of course, it all went pear-shaped…. and the Suoix fucked them up.....

… but the questions do remain… and the questions are valid…..

… and like my Brother in Law, I still weep when Gus dies…… every single time…..

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(19) | TrackBack (0) | Thinking

Agenda....

…. breaking from the normal, day-to-day decadent languor of the household, today promises to be quite busy…. It truly is amazing, really…. I mean, hey, I even have an actual ‘agenda’ with times and everything…..

… the good news is that today has dawned with baby-blue skies, high, wispy white clouds, and a glittering, crunchy frost…. A perfect day for zipping around the countryside with the heater cranked and my sunglasses on….

… as for you guys and gals?.... enjoy your day… do your stretches in the morning…. drive carefully…. try to have a low-fat lunch… and drink plenty of water… cocktail hour is still penciled in for 6:15….

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(7) | TrackBack (0) | Ummm, Ok....

Knoxville...

…. I took my new house guest up to Knoxville yesterday and spent the afternoon touring Knoxville’s “Old City” in a driving snow-storm…. It was surreal….. there was hardly anyone was on the streets as we blundered from pub to restaurant to pub in search of darker beer….

… we ended our day ensconced at McLeod’s on the corner of Market Square…. the snow was melting as soon as it touched the street, but watching it as the wind drove it down and around the multistoried buildings was hypnotizing….. wind-driven snow is like that, I guess…. especially when combined with pints of White Mule, Downtown Brown, and Stella…..

….. I exited I-75 at Sweetwater on the drive back southwards and took the backroads home…. Slow, quiet, and lazy through the cold weather…..

…. the snow kept falling…. and melting….. and I kept up my even pace….

… halfway home, through the dizzying shower of flakes, it hit me…

…it’s odd to brace yourself against the wind and snow as you hurry down alleys and sidewalks – seeing nature’s beauty steadily intrude upon civilization’s architecture… but to see the same snow continue to fall as city fades away to countryside in the rearview mirror, well, it struck me as all the more strange….

… love winter, or hate it, there is just something divine about watching snowflakes fall…..

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(5) | TrackBack (0) | Ummm, Ok....

International....

….. did y’all know that it now takes between 1 and THREE hours to clear customs after an international flight?.... well, I sure didn’t….. so after a smooth ride south on 285, I arrived at Atlanta’s airport to stand around looking completely lost for the better part of four hours…..

… but in the end, the mission was accomplished…. and I slid back into the driveway just before 10pm with my beloved cargo in tow….

…. as of right now, the initial re-bonding has taken place and we’re settling in to a steady rhythm of eat, drink, laugh, sleep, and repeat…. so life is all good….

…… but there is a dynamic among siblings that absolutely amazes me…. one minute you want to strangle them with your bare hands, and the very next minute you’re sharing memories and laughs and just plain dazzled by being together again with the person who shared your childhood……

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(9) | TrackBack (0) | Ummm, Ok....

Home....

…. today, well, I’m off to Atlanta for a quick snatch & grab at the airport…. It should be exhilarating….. see, my Brother in Law is flying in during the afternoon and I’m to hustle the traveler from the wilds of the Big City to our lazy bit of countryside…. London to Atlanta, and then to Podunk, Tennessee….. it should be quite a culture shock….

… it is his first visit to Tennessee and The South, and all parties involved are pretty excited….. were I a betting man, I would toss my chips squarely towards there being “a few drams sipped this evening”…. it’s been nearly seven years since his sister and I have clapped eyes on him…. and that’s just too damn long….

…. Actually, that last time that we saw him, he was waving us goodbye from a dusty, pre-monsoon Dhaka parking lot as we piled into the ambulance for our escorted ride to the airport….. (remind me to tell you guys the story about being taken to the airport in an ambulance… it’s a hoot… there are so many ingenious ways to circumvent rioting natives in a third world country, it would blow your mind..) ….

…. So, yes… a visitor….... soon my home will be filled with the one more soul….. it’s been a long, long time…. and I am looking forward to it…..

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(11) | TrackBack (0) | Ummm, Ok....

Moon....

.... Happy Valentine's Day to all you lovebirds out there..... may you all be gifted a big box of chocolate covered cherries.......

... and hey, feel free to sing along.... I sure am....

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(2) | TrackBack (0) | Music

Common....

…. A woeful gloom has descended upon my humble manor in the form of The Common Cold…. Yes, sir, I’s got one and it’s a good one…. wheezing, sneezing, headache, runny nose…. It’s a bit odd really, since I seldom get the Dreaded Lurgies (as they are known in the Scottish tongue)…

… so instead of complaining about my aches and pains, I am choosing to relish in the new sensations gifted to me by this humble bug… sure, they are unpleasant and unwanted, but they are here and I might as well try to enjoy them… after all, alive is still alive even if you are sick.... and alive is a good thing...

.. and besides, it gives me a fine opportunity to introduce y’all to a wonderful poem by Mr. Ogden Nash – a favorite of mine….

Common Cold, by Ogden Nash….

Go hang yourself, you old M.D,!
You shall not sneer at me.
Pick up your hat and stethoscope,
Go wash your mouth with laundry soap;
I contemplate a joy exquisite
In not paying you for your visit.
I did not call you to be told
My malady is a common cold.

By pounding brow and swollen lip;
By fever's hot and scaly grip;
By those two red redundant eyes
That weep like woeful April skies;
By racking snuffle, snort, and sniff;
By handkerchief after handkerchief;
This cold you wave away as naught
Is the damnedest cold man ever caught!

Give ear, you scientific fossil!
Here is the genuine Cold Colossal;
The Cold of which researchers dream,
The Perfect Cold, the Cold Supreme.
This honored system humbly holds
The Super-cold to end all colds;
The Cold Crusading for Democracy;
The Führer of the Streptococcracy.

Bacilli swarm within my portals
Such as were ne'er conceived by mortals,
But bred by scientists wise and hoary
In some Olympic laboratory;
Bacteria as large as mice,
With feet of fire and heads of ice
Who never interrupt for slumber
Their stamping elephantine rumba.

A common cold, gadzooks, forsooth!
Ah, yes. And Lincoln was jostled by Booth;
Don Juan was a budding gallant,
And Shakespeare's plays show signs of talent;
The Arctic winter is fairly coolish,
And your diagnosis is fairly foolish.
Oh what a derision history holds
For the man who belittled the Cold of Colds!

…… the man had it going on, people….truly….

… so, Peace Out, gentle rubberneckers…. I’m off to daub a lotion’d tissue at my dripping nose for a while and ponder 'bacteria as large as mice'…..

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(19) | TrackBack (0) | Poetry

Chops....

…. during a very curious incident last evening, my lamb chops combusted whilst being gently grilled on a medium heat…. It was quite shocking, really, with all the flames, smoke, and all…. and in spite of my newly-hairless right arm (from bravely pretending to be a firefighter), the chops were yummy, yummy, yummy…. hey, I even roasted potatoes!...

… the weird thing about singeing the hair off of one’s body parts is the sensory overload that you get during and after the event…. Initially, you get the heat/fright or flight-adrenalin rush thing/and overpowering stench of burnt hair…. And later?... you get to rub the crispy, curly, stubbly hairs that survived the fiery purge…. (they feel quite different from my normally luxuriantly furred arms.) …

…. So yeah… dinner last night rocked…. It’s just too bad that no one else was in the garage to witness me selflessly battling that raging fire to save my beloved chops…. Hell, were it not for the hairless right arm, The Missus would not have believed my tale of How I Saved Dinner either…

… but I know that you Rubberneckers believe me…. even though you can’t see my scorched arms or smell the hanging reek of seared hair in the garage… I just know that y’all believe me… and that is why we’re here…..

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(13) | TrackBack (0) | Ummm, Ok....

Charming....

…. with Valentine’s Day just around the corner and a mischievous Cupid lurking behind every bush, I suppose that I should share a line that I just heard come across the car radio as I was driving….. check this out…..

“If you were a horsefly
And I were an old gray mare
I would let you bite me
And never twitch a hair.”

.. good God, that is marvelous… I mean, can’t you just imagine the look of abject love that would immediately radiate across the face of your betrothed if you were to gaze deeply into her eyes and slip those lyrics on her?......

… and the refrain in the chorus?.... “because that’s how much I love you.” ….. 1946, people…. Eddie Arnold….

… our local radio station has aired a “Sunday Morning Memory Music” segment since forever and a day…. and today’s was a masterpiece of lovestruck creativity, people..… mercy.... “if you were a horsefly”, indeed…. You really can’t make this shit up….

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(5) | TrackBack (0) | Music

Waiting...

… the pork tenderloin is marinating in a garlic/teriyaki mixture and the new potatoes are ready for roasting…. Now all I have to do is kick back and wait for the cooking-hour to arrive….

… Little Brother is in the garage shooting pool while Townes Van Zandt sings the blues…

… not a bad way to spend an evening…. not a bad way at all……

.... UPDATE... for anyone not in the know, here's a bit of what we're shooting pool to....

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(8) | TrackBack (0) | Thinking

Ends....

….. you know, I’m just as fragile as the next guy… and to badly quote Shakespeare, if you cut me, do I not bleed?....

.. sure, I know that was rhetorical, but yes, I do…

… and that is precisely why I cannot stand idly by and let this African’s slander slip by without retort….

.. for it is not for MY honor that I defend, people, but that of my darling Sylvia… his photo does not NEARLY do her justice…. And trust me, folks, she has a rear end that is sexy as hell…. Here is a photo of the real backside of Sylvia….


from_behind_small.jpg

… mmmm… curves…. subtle, soft, and perfect.....

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(14) | TrackBack (0) | Blogging

Fake....

…. You know, I still have one of the original copies of Anna’s appearances in Playboy buried somewhere deep in the blogroom closet…. I initially bought it because she parlayed something very basic about humanity…. She was, after all, the modern day Marilyn for a split-second….. well, except that Monroe left a body of work (in the classical sense) and Anna just left a body…… oh, and that Marilyn had natural tits….. but I digress….

.. still, though, she is dead….. and that is a tragedy….. 39 is just too early to pop your clogs, look towards heaven, and moan through your red lipstick “take me home”…. even if you do have monumentally-stacked fake breasts…. 39 is just too damn early….. hell, she could have at LEAST survived until she got those Texas Billions that she was promised by her ancient lover and the Texas courts…..

… but hey, life rains on everyone’s parade sooner or later…… for me?.... give me Penelope Ann Miler shaking her ass in “Carlito’s Way” any day rather than Anna rolling around in a tub of bubble bath for Hefner….. Hell, ever since I watched “Kindergarten Cop” I’ve been a Penelope fan….. goodness, Arnie should have kicked that Kennedy to the curb back then and screamed “Penelope” from the very top of his Austrian lungs…. but that is a story for another day….

…. Lookit, people….. talent and beauty do not walk hand-in-hand every day…… as a matter of fact, rarely do they meet each other at all…..and Anna?.... hey, I am sorry that she is dead…. And I wish that she’d had a better life….. but flicking the channel today between Fox AND CNN gave me a wonderful barometer on the state of our union….. and in short?..... we’re fucked….. well and truly fucked…

… the day that the death of a fake-titted, methodone-addled, Playboy model/Golddigger takes preeminence over our continuing battle with terrorists, a nuclear-armed North Korea and Iran, and the downplay of the Colts winning the Super Bowl, well, just stick your heads between your legs now, rubberneckers….. because it is time to officially kiss your ass goodbye….

…. But hey, I’m still keeping those old Playboys…… maybe one day they’ll be worth something again…..

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(18) | TrackBack (0) | Psycho Rants

Old....

…. my workout partner bailed on me today and sought greener pastures instead….. it’s a good thing, too, because he would hated the scenery at the YMCA today…

… as for me, I do believe that I have found my timeslot…. evidently 1-2pm is octogenarian hour…. Boys and girls, it rocked…. No suntanned cheerleaders sweating on the treadmills, no football beefcakes grunting as they pushed 300, just little ole me and a bunch of geezers who were feebly leaning on their walkers as they ambled from machine to machine… I really felt at home…..

… of course, the only downer about the whole thing is that it is a bit disheartening when the guy finally lets go of his walking frame, sits down at the flat bench, and presses 100lbs more than you’re currently working out with…..

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(10) | TrackBack (0) | Psycho Rants

Delivered....

… from time to time I’ve been told that when it comes to presents, gifts, or general tokens of esteem, I am a hard man to buy for…. but I am here to tell you, folks, that nothing could be further from the truth…. for, after all, I am a simple, low-maintenance kind of fellow… I’m a jeans & a tee-shirt, meat & potatoes guy…. and I tend to enjoy just about every present – regardless of what it may be…..

…. today, all of that changed…. For now I own a big, brown, hairy, Texas bull’s nutsack that has been lovingly fashioned into some sort of be-handled pouch…..

…. of course, I have Elisson to thank for today’s UPS-delivered surprise…. And I really wish that he could have seen my face as I dug through the Styrofoam peanuts and blindly laid hands on that fuzzy bag… and hey, it took a while before the profundity of exactly what it was that I was holding in my hands sunk in….

…. initially I imagined that it was a sort of warning from one of you rabid rubberneckers … (like a stallion’s severed head in the bed when one awakes after pissing off a mobster)…. a macabre calling card of sorts to show that they knew where I lived… and that MY nutsack might be next…. but fortunately I found the card that contained the explanation from Elisson that he “simply saw it and just KNEW that I HAD to have one!”.....

…. listen up, dear souls…. THAT is love….. it takes a special kind of bond for one to feel so completely uninhibited with one’s fellow blogger that it is deemed appropriate to send a sun-dried scrotum across 1500 miles….

… I am blessed and awed and humbled and humbled….. yes, I said humbled twice…. You should see the size of the satchel, people…. sure, the contributor may now be an ex-bovine… but if I were a betting man, I’d say that his missus was one satisfied cow…..

nutsack_bag_small.jpg

... actually, I was quite surprised by how supple the hair was.... I'd have thought it would have been more coarse.... hey, you live and learn.....

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(28) | TrackBack (0) | Blogging

Power.....

… my little Brother and I are complete polar opposites…. it’s incredible…. the man just has an aura about him….

.. take today, for instance…. I’m piloting Sylvia into the turn-off lane at a red-light in Athens… there were a few cars in front of us, so we’re sitting back a bit….. he’s in the passenger seat in his smoky-hazed pimp sunglasses and white under-armor shirt, shaved head, diamond earring, and neatly trimmed goatee….

… I’ve my head turned to speak to him and I happen to catch sight of two young ladies sliding past us in a Toyota Avalon towards the red-light…. and they are both checking him out as they slowly roll past….

… says I, “did you see that?”…

…. says he, “ooohhhh yeah… hey, check this out…”

… “what?”…

…. He coolly takes off his glasses and says out loud, “turn around, darling… you know you want more…’”… the windows are up and the Avalon is thirty feet away, mind you…..

.. and no bloody sooner than he says that does the passenger at the red-light two car lengths up slowly turn around in the seat and look at him….

… he raised his hand and waved as he smiled out “hello, babydoll… where are you going?”….

… and to my utter amazement, she waved back and winked at him….. with him sitting in my passenger seat looking like some weird mix of Mr. Clean and Snoop Dogg…..

... luckily the light changed and I sped away before he was dragged off to some apartment by those two and ravished senseless....

… but I tell you, people, it was an remarkable thing to witness…… and there is no way in Hell that I’m ever letting him borrow my car…..

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(15) | TrackBack (0) | Psycho Rants

Dogs....

…. the area of East Tennessee in which I live is mostly rural…. there are two or three small cities dotted around with some heavy industry, but agriculture is the mainstay of the majority…. the northwestern corner of my county is almost entirely dominated by large dairy farms….. many of them well over 1000 acres and cross-cut with pastures, woods, and fallow land…..

…. the farms bordered each other in a patchwork of more than 30 square miles… and they were often only separated by ancient barbed wire fences that acted more as boundary lines than as something to actually keep cattle from crossing…. Old, pre-civil war, family farms…. Armstrong, Gibson, and Robinson land….. these farms, many of them, were where I spent my youthful summers… hunting, camping, fishing, swimming in the brown-water creeks, helping with some of the farm work…..

…. earlier today, I read Oom Keesie’s story of his hunting a lion years ago…. the beast had taken to munching on a farmer’s livestock and it had to be taken out…. I must say that I admire ole Kees’ fortitude…. I’d have been wired pretty damn tight if I ever found myself in a lion-hunting role….

… his post did remind me of an old childhood pastime though…. hunting feral dogs….

….. the sprawling farms were crawling with wildlife…. wild turkeys, rabbits, whitetail deer, possums, raccoons, squirrels, and the occasional wild boar… and local sportsmen often struck deals with the farmers to be allowed to run their dogs in search of game…. sometimes, though, a dog would not return to its owner at the end of a hunt…. instead, it found itself running with a pack of once-tame dogs that wandered the huge tracts living by their wits….

… over the course of many decades, the pack grew…. both by inbreeding and by the introduction of new hunting dogs or household pets gone astray, the pack ranged in number from twenty to fifty individuals at any given time…. and the assortment of breeds was mind-blowing… everything from Beagles, Walkers, and Blueticks, to German Shepherds, Labrador Retrievers, and Rottweilers….

…. They truly were a menace…. having crossed that fine line that resides in the hearts of all beasts, they eagerly let civilization’s grip slip away and descended towards their more primal selves….

….. a few times per year, my Uncle would call his Brothers, Brothers-in-laws, and nephews to come help thin out the pack…. Invariably one of the members of his dairy herd would have been taken down as it tried to give birth and he’d lost the calf and cow…. It took time for the pack to work up the nerve to take down a 1200lb Holstein, and once they had gone that far, the rest of the herd was on the menu too….. and so, as sure as water is wet and the sky is blue, we’d be summoned to hunt down the wild dogs and take out as many as we could…

… I say “take out as many as we could” because we’d only get one opportunity… after our initial ambush was sprung, what members of the pack that survived would not likely be seen by another human until they had restocked their ranks…. It was just the way things worked…. I’ve written once or twice about what it feels like to hunt predators before, if you’re interested…..

…. but it truly is amazing, really, when you think about it.. a wild animal domesticated… and then allowed to go wild again, well, it ain’t coming back…. they had no fear of Man…. Or maybe their disdain for humans outweighed everything else, who knows?…. after all, it was us humans who had kept them as pets and denied them their basic instincts….. perhaps when they finally were accepted into the pack, they simply did not want to return to being a slave to a Master…. either way, there was no reasoning with them when they were in that state…. there was no way to ‘reclaim’ them back to civilization…. the only thing you could do with them was to either ignore them or kill them….

… I could go on and tell stories of the epic encounters (by teenage Tennessean standards), but there really is no point…. After all, it wasn’t like my hillbilly Uncles and I were stalking a pride of lions…. so I tip my hat to Kees Kennis, people…..

…. I’ve never had to face down a male lion (and I hope that I never have to)…. but I have been charged by a fully-grown Alsatian who was wholly intent on ensuring that I have a seriously bad day…. he failed….

… damn, I’ve lost my train of thought here….. Civilization, I suppose…. once you go off that deep end, there never really is any “coming back”…

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(14) | TrackBack (0) | SWG Stories

Fitness.....

… you know, I really think that this new craze is one of the best things to ever happen to Humanity…. No, really….

….screw having a “Curves” on every street corner, people… that Chinese woman has the perfect attitude….

… I mean, just imagine a world where every woman knew how to pole dance…. my goodness….

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(14) | TrackBack (0) | Ummm, Ok....

Life....

…. last night I happened to look out into the garage and caught sight of a possum eating from Fred and Ginger’s bowl….

…. being in an ornery mood, I flicked the lock open, reached inside the garage, and pressed the button to activate the garage door….

… the look on that possum’s face as his head turned from the closed door to me, and back to the closed door was absolutely priceless….

… I then had a nice heart-to-heart discussion for the better part of ten minutes with the possum and the help of a maplewood walking stick that was propped up in the corner next to the pool table….

… he didn’t enjoy it very much…..

… and after becoming satisfied that the possum then fully knew what was and wasn’t on his menu, I popped the garage door and watched the newly-educated beast disappear into the darkness….

…. It’s a savage world sometimes…..

…. I wonder if he’ll come back tonight?....

… anyway, I’m off for lunch in Maryville at Aubrey’s…. hey, it’s hard to have fun in a place like this, but I try my best….

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(12) | TrackBack (0) | Ummm, Ok....

Softened...

…. this morning the first snow of the season arrived… just over an inch on the grass and maybe half an inch clinging to the western sides of the tree trunks and branches….

…. the snow is dense and wet…. the kind of snow that makes soggy ice when you try to squeeze it into a snowball…. almost like the ice you find in the bottom of your Sonic drink once you have finished it all…. cold, wet, and compacted….

… at 8am a light rain began falling… and now the white of the snow is slowly being drained away…. leaving a semi-clear sheen of melting ice its place…. It is 10:25 now and even though the grass is still dusted here and there with white, the roads seem to all be clear….

… such is a snow in the valley, I guess…. regardless of the weather, everything is forever tempered with an overwhelming mildness…. a dulling…. valleys are strange places… the harshness of everything is seems somehow pillowed in a valley….

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(8) | TrackBack (0) | Thinking