PSA

... just heard from Jimbo of Rest Stop fame... his blog has been "suspended" by The Man... so for those of you who were hankering for some Parkway Rest Stop, you'll have to keep your shirts on for a bit... he's working on the problem...

... as for why it was "suspended", that's anyone's guess... but being that I enjoy a good conspiracy theory, I'd have to say he's a victim of censorship... someone in Jersey probably didn't take too kindly to his Q & A sessions with Senator Clinton...

... then again, he might not have been paying his bills....

Read the Bullshit »

Laughter...

... you know, it's easy to be a cynic.. crippled by self-absorption and the all-consuming power of "Me"... you can really get tangled.. especially after years and years of letting it knot you....

... but sometimes, well, you understand that we're all just human beings...

... thank you, Sgt. Snyder...

Read the Bullshit »

Birds...

... reading this tale over at Shoe's place, reminded me of the wise, tried and true maxim: "No matter how bad it gets, it can always get worse."...

... why do I poke fun at her tale of avian stalking?... well, at least it was just a chicken... see, yesterday afternoon as I was busy at my humble workbench, I was distracted forty or fifty times by gargantuan shadows passing by the window... finally reaching my breaking point, I wandered out onto the patio and craned my neck towards the heavens....

... upon investigation, my house was being circled by fifteen turkey buzzards... huge and flying low... the original Black Specters, rubberneckers...

... it was more than a little disconcerting, let me tell you..

... could they smell my impending doom?.. like dogs sensing the pre-arrival of an earthquake, could those gliding bastards somehow know something that I didn't?...

... I was in a fitful quandary for a while... looking at the work I had been busting out and thinking to myself, "ouch... does it really smell THAT bad?.. bad enough to lure in buzzards?"...

... but then they landed, and the hand-wringing was over... it seems that someone had crunched a fluffy bunny in the road near my mailbox, and the buzzards were just coming by to clean it up.... you know, as buzzards do...

... it was a load off of my mind, people... truly....

Read the Bullshit »

Dreams...

... back when I started this site, one of my foremost intents was to force-feed the poetry of Robert Service to the google-surfing masses at the very best of my ability... and from time to time, I managed that task fairly well... but lately I have found myself despondent... I take the book off the shelf to pick a poem or song and end up just sitting on the couch and reading instead of sharing... I know you guys don't miss those posts... and, hey, that's cool... but still, it was an original function I imagined for this blog... that said, I've been reading and re-reading a good one over this sleepy afternoon... and I think it is time to share...

... besides, Army Wife asked for a Service poem the other day...

.. it is titled simply as "Dreams are Best", and was penned in 1912.... and I like it...

I just think that dreams are best,
Just to sit and fancy things;
Give your gold no acid test,
Try not how your silver rings;
Fancy women pure and good,
Fancy men upright and true:
Fortressed in your solitude,
Let Life be a dream to you.

For I think that Thought is all;
Truth's a minion of the mind;
Love's ideal comes at call;
As ye seek so shall ye find.
But ye must not seek too far;
Things are never what they seem:
Let a star be just a star,
And a woman -- just a dream.

O you Dreamers, proud and pure,
You have gleaned the sweet of life!
Golden truths that shall endure
Over pain and doubt and strife.
I would rather be a fool
Living in my Paradise,
Than the leader of a school,
Sadly sane and weary wise.

O you Cynics with your sneers,
Fallen brains and hearts of brass,
Tweak me by my foolish ears,
Write me down a simple ass!
I'll believe the real "you"
Is the "you" without a taint;
I'll believe each woman too,
But a slightly damaged saint.

Yes, I'll smoke my cigarette,
Vestured in my garb of dreams,
And I'll borrow no regret;
All is gold that golden gleams.
So I'll charm my solitude
With the faith that Life is blest,
Brave and noble, bright and good, . . .
Oh, I think that dreams are best!

... from "Rhymes of a Rolling Stone", by Robert W. Service....

Read the Bullshit »

Dumpsters....

... via Jim, I found a post by Two Nervous Dogs about freegans.... and while disgusting, the post struck a chord... as a result, I have an admission... brace yourselves, rubberneckers, I, Eric, have dumpster-dived...

.... relax, people... no, I was never the sterno-drinking wino with the cardboard box in John Sevier Yard... this, you see, is a military tale.....

.... for those of you not in the know, military MREs come with a candy and a dessert... and once upon a time while out near Elliot's Beach during Third Phase at Parris Island, us 3rd BN recruits would each line up and march past a dumpster three times a day.... yes, yes, this is a tale of cruelty.. see, after opening (and before consuming) our MREs... we would stroll past be frog-marched past said dumpster as our DIs barked and howled for us to throw our "pogey bait" away... and we did just that...

.. the result?... every single day, a dumpster - laden with millions of calories of unopened MRE foodstuffs - was taken off to the landfill... oh yeah.. and people wonder why the raccoons on Parris Island are the size of large pitbulls.... Hell, they eat more calories than the recruits....

... anyway, the fact remains, one who is in the military eternally looks on the bright side... that's just the way it is... and during the second week of 3rd phase, I came down with a wonderfully nasty bout of cellulitis on my left heel... (by the way, I still have the scar and it's quite impressive... come to a blogmeet and buy me a beer, and I'll let you touch it!)...

.. sorry, again.. I digress... see, the infection on my doggies culminated in me being given three days of light duty... so, every morning when the company trudged off to stab things with M-16A2's festooned with bayonets, I was left alone back at the hooches... a genuine recipe for mischief, if you can imagine....

.... and it is to you, gentle readers, that I bare my soul.... make my admission of guilt... yes, I have to admit - all these many years after the fact.... that yes, I crawled into the dumpster after everyone left, and collected over fifty pounds of MRE desserts... fruit cake... chocolate chip cake.... peaches... M&Ms... you name it...

... I bet I gained 15 pounds in those three days... and if Sgt. Day ever reads this, I know he will hunt me down and kill me... I hope y'all are happy...

... in retrospect, I was the dumpster-diving, pogey bait-pimp of 3rd Battalion.. and by the time 3rd Phase ended, every recruit within three miles of Elliot's Beach owed me either money or a favor...

... heh.. much like Jesus, I fed the friggin' masses... and not with fish, people... with chocolate and cake... amazing... amazing how one dire, flesh-eating infection ended up fortifying Marine recruits with sugar, flour, and morale....

Read the Bullshit »

Modesty...

... you know, that kilt post started the old noggin percolating... and this being a rainy Monday morning, I thought I should explore a little.. after all, a little introspection from time to time does a body good... and that is just what I was thinking about... The Body... and more specifically, nudity...

... see, here's the duality of it all... I'm as bashful as the next guy... sure, there are things that embarrass me... situations that are taboo... but nudity doesn't phase me one little bit... not even in the slightest... and I enjoy being naked too... Hell, I even designed the logo for the Nekkid Bloggers... it's down there on the sidebar somewhere....

... and I do consider myself modest, don't get me wrong.. so, of course there are times when I am timid.. especially in regards to public speaking or playing guitar in front of a group of people... but as far as whipping out my boys, skinny-dipping, or flashing bystanders while wearing a kilt, my shyness is nonexistent..

... I mean, a body is a body... we're all just human.... I really don't see what the big deal is... besides, when you think about it, isn't blogging kinda like dropping your drawers anyway?...

Read the Bullshit »

Creamy...

... fortified by my recent successes with Patak's Curry Paste, I decided to plunge myself yet again into the pore-cleansing pool that is Indian dining...

... tonight it is Korma time... fresh cream... cream of coconut... yard bird... and Patak's... so far, so good....a little bit spicy.. and as creamy as Princess Diana's complexion after a healthy romp with a group of well-hung Grenadier Guards...

... seriously, this stuff is divine.. perhaps a little too heavy on the coconut, but hey... I'm no professional...

... the really crazy thing?.... I never knew that I could get this damn excited over a chicken....

Read the Bullshit »

36K...

.. mercy.... a sixteen year old girl in England has had that much boobage....

.. it boggles the mind...

Read the Bullshit »

on kilts...

... spun on up to Maryville yesterday afternoon and enjoyed a very civilized lunch at Aubrey's.. two India Pale Ales and a nice pasta dish with loads of parmesan.... then on to the local Target to purchase a copy of Gunner Palace... with that mission accomplished, I headed over to Kroger to search for weird ethnic sauces... The Missus has had a hankering for an Indian korma and I, as always, aim to please...

.. not very exciting, I know.... but still, I spent the day as I chose... and that, people, is a unusual pleasure...

... in other news, congrats to Geoffrey and Bride on the occasion of their recent hitching... good on ye, Geoff.... now the real fun begins....

.... and getting married in a kilt is not for the faint of heart.... see, I performed the nuptials whilst wearing one too... later, at the reception, I was forever banned from ever wearing the ceremonial kilt again.... my new Missus I found out on my wedding night that when asked what was worn under a kilt (and after the right amount of Scots beer) I would simply lift tail and demonstrate..

.... she was so proud of her new husband... and I've been going from strength to strength since then....

Read the Bullshit »

Gunshots...

... Thanksgiving weekend is many things to many people.... to most, it is an occasion for spending time with family and friends... with feasting, drinking, and football.... but around these parts, it means one thing most of all... putting lead down range in the hopes of causing massive trauma to a whitetail buck...

... and across the country, bloggers are talking about it... for instance, we have a tale of an old (and little known) Illinois/Wisconsin sport being talked about.... tree stand base-jumping...

... sitting here with the early morning light showing a thick frost on the ground, sounds of small arms fire is echoing in the distance... so far, five shots... all varying in tone and direction... the woods behind my house are crawling thick with huntsmen... me?... coffee and chores... coffee and chores...

.. one hell of a way to spend a Saturday....

Read the Bullshit »

Egg update...

... for those who are interested, the eggs were a success... initially two dozen, they arrived at the feast numbering 19... kitchen accidents and taste test were the culprits... but by the end of the dinner, all were gone... I am the deviled egg czar, people... I do believe that next year I might even get bumped up to the mashed potatoes... hey, we live in hope...

... the fine family gathering spanned generations... all in all, I do believe that four strata of relatives were represented... a deep, deep channel of history, experience, and life was present... and for all of our diversity, we each were thankful for having each other...

... it was as it always is... some absent due to hunting trips.. others just plain absent - but missed... and the rest of us eating, laughing, and picking at each other... telling a beloved aunt that she had ruined Thanksgiving by not making the sweet tea sweet enough... everyone (including people who hadn't even eaten one) bragging on my eggs... Big Daddy C reads my blog, you see... so he had briefed everyone on my egg-rant post... yeah, I was set up, I was....

... a highlight to this Thanksgiving for me?... tossing a football to my little second cousin... people, I hadn't touched a football in ten years...

... there is something wonderful about watching children play... maybe it is their genuine enthusiasm... I don't know... perhaps their innocent enjoyment of activity.. running, jumping, catching, or throwing.... or maybe that quick smile that shoots across their face as an adult tells them, "good catch!"...

.... like I said, I just don't know... but I do know this... it was damn refreshing....

... I had a wonderful Thanksgiving... simple, but wonderful....

Read the Bullshit »

Dang me....

... whipped into town this afternoon to buy the eggs and groceries, and somehow got sidetracked.... ended up having lunch and a few beers at the local VFW with my Cousin... strange how that kind of stuff always happens to me... it's like Jimmy Buffett once said... "Honest, Honey!... I was just going down to Buckhead to get the paper! Next thing I know, I'm on I-75 heading for Florida!"....

... anyway, some crusty old vet creaked over to the jukebox at one point and played Roger Miller's "Dang Me"...

... three o'clock in the afternoon, and I hear old Roger say something like "sittin' around drinkin' with the rest of the guys... six rounds bought, and I bought five... spent the groceries and half the rent..."....

... and then it hit me... I had two dozen eggs in the back seat of the car that needed a good boiling... and I was shirking my familial duties in a bar eating peanuts and sipping Killians...

... so, here I am... the eggs are boiled and it's almost time to shoot some pool... all these responsibilities are bogging me down, guys... seriously....

Read the Bullshit »

Thief...

... the road that ran past my childhood home curved through a hardwood forest and ended at a stretch of the L &N railroad track.. just prior to the tracks was an ancient gabled house where an original Grumpy Old Man lived... he had shared his ancestral pile with his siblings for many years after his parents died.. brothers and sisters living contented together in the old two-story clapboard... and gradually over the years, time took each of them to his bosom... and in the end, the Old Man was all that was left... none of his brothers or sisters having ever married...

... my brother and I, in the midst of playing cowboys and Indians (or VC and Marines) would watch him from the bushes on summer evenings as his rickety old Ford would creep along the gravel road towards his home... he scared the living hell out of us... all gnarled with age and twisted by farm work... he looked like a Vincent Price clone who had been attacked by some sort of soul-sucking beast... that had left him merely the husk of the once proud clodhopper he had been back in the day...

... he died when I was about twelve and his house lay vacant for nearly two years... one fall evening just before my fourteenth birthday, a friend of mine and I were wandering the oak thicket behind my home with our squirrel guns when we suddenly found ourselves on the edge of the field behind the Old Man's house...

... goaded by my hunting companion, we approached the spooky place and found the kitchen window unlocked... we entered the house with our squirrel rifles locked and loaded... expecting to fire upon the first haint that dared attack us.. doubtless that the house was haunted by a myriad of ghouls and long-dead relatives of the Old Man...

... the place was littered with old newspapers and magazines.. many from the 1960's and earlier... the hermit lifestyle was in full evidence... even after lying unused for such a long period of time, the place was still clean but cluttered... stacks of old mail in shoeboxes were stacked neatly in one corner... looking back now, the poor old man probably had some sort of mental illness.. then again, maybe it was just the result of an insurmountable loneliness, this clean clutter...

... in one of the shoeboxes, I noticed some yellowed envelopes that had unusual stamps affixed.. 2 cent stamps.. decorated with George Washington.... I took them... yes, I stole the letters...

... later that evening, I secretly read my stolen booty in the privacy of my bedroom... pouring over handwritten tales of men hunting buffalo... and being bribed with pints of whiskey to cast their vote for Sam Houston as the first president of Texas in 1836... letters written by a young, adventurous Tennessean who had ventured westward from McMinn County... and who was now writing home to his Mother back on the farm... the same farm that I had taken the letters from... the same ramshackle white clapboard that had stood for centuries... and I was ashamed....

... I couldn't take them back, though.... so I stowed them away in my closet and forgot about them and my crimes... four years later, on leave after bootcamp, my Father told me that the Old Man's home had caught fire during a thunderstorm and burnt to the ground... no one had ever moved into it... and it had lain just as it had been for the better part of ten years... and I remembered the letters... still tucked away in an old coffee can in my closet...

... in the days that followed, I re-read those letters and took note of the names... Borden... William Borden... taking up the telephone book, I started making phone calls... with no luck, I remembered that my old high school algebra teacher, Mr. Borden, might know who William belonged to....

... in my dress blues, I drove to the school and asked to speak with my old teacher during lunch... he readily agreed, and as he quizzed me about my training and where I was about to be sent, I asked him about William... after thinking for a few seconds, he told of a story that his Grandfather used to tell.. one about a long, lost Great Great Great Uncle who had headed to Texas during the War and found it over before he got there... no one knew what ever happened to him...

... it was at this point that I told Mr. Borden of my crime... my breaking and entering... and my theft... and I handed him the bundle of letters... letters dating from 1836 to 1855... all written in beautiful penmanship by his long-dead Uncle...

... I was expecting to be chastised for my crimes... punished in some way... but as it turns out, he was thankful that I had saved those wonderful family heirlooms...

... funny how sometimes you end up doing the right thing even when you thought it was wrong to begin with...

Read the Bullshit »

Eggs....

... I write about cooking here from time to time as the muse decides... I like to play in the kitchen and create edibles out of raw ingredients... hey, if you like to eat, you should like to cook, right?... and actually, I am quite proud of my culinary prowess... I can cook a chili that will blow your mind... mashed potatoes that'll have you begging for more.. and a spaghetti bolognaise that'll have you bowing down before me in a puddle of your own saliva...

... but lately it has come to my attention that I am at the bottom of the cooking list when it comes to family gatherings...

... slighted, that's what I've been... and the funny thing is, I didn't even realize it at first... it took the Missus talking with co-workers to discover exactly how underestimated my mad skillz are...

... with Thanksgiving on the horizon, family members were doled out their projects... an Aunt is doing the turkey... and Uncle is bringing the baked beans.. a Cousin is even tasked with a cobbler... me?... The Deviled Eggs...

... now, when I first was asked to do them, I was down with it... pretty important job, I thought... the ultimate holiday finger-food... wonderful in it's simplicity and yet marvelous in the intricacies of subtle flavors... my chance to shine, I thought, with the World's Best Deviled Eggs...

... fast-forward a few days... the Wife is conversing with co-workers about the upcoming feast... all of whom are well aware of my legendary power in the pantry... and they were comparing notes on festive feasts past and present.. all was going well until she lets slip that we've been jagged with the deviled eggs..

... guffaws, people... great whoops of laughter erupted... cackling fits were witnessed.. ribs were evidently nearly split...the Wife was stunned.... and when inquiring about the commotion, she was told thus:

... "oh, we always get the worst cooks in the family to cook the deviled eggs!!... it's impossible to screw them up!"....

... uh huh.... slanderous!.. scandalous!... I'm thinking of mixing in a little of the left-over blue cheese in the stuffing portion this year... I'll put the damn Devil in those deviled eggs...

Read the Bullshit »

Extremes....

... walking out to check the mail this afternoon, I flipped up my collar against the rain and smiled... what a day... a fifteen mile an hour breeze... 45 degree temperature.... replete with gray skies and fat raindrops... it reminded me of Scotland...

... you know, people talk about extremes... and they admire their ability to endure them... especially when hiking or camping... desert, jungle, or arctic.. they all have their challenges...

.. but today?... walk 10 miles in a slow, chilling rain with the temperature just above freezing... stay dry and comfortable... then camp for a couple of days in those circumstances... and stay dry and comfortable....

... it doesn't always take an extreme to make something hardcore... and in my mind, a cold and wet day is the most sapping of climates... especially when a nice wind is thrown in....

... I've had my cheeks and eyelids chapped so badly that I could hardly open my eyes.. I've had my face so chilled by wind and rain that I couldn't use my mouth to form words... I've had my hands so cold and numb that I had to use one to push the other into my pocket... and all of that happened in temperatures between 35 and 45 degrees....

.. where am I going with this?... I don't know... just sitting here drinking coffee and rambling.... but one this is for sure... never underestimate the power of the mundane... sure, extremes get all the sexy press and the prime-time slots on the Discovery Channel... but hanging out in the everyday gray is the true challenge... trust me...

... damn, I need to go camping....

Read the Bullshit »

by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(12) | TrackBack (1) | SWG Stories
» Bad Example links with: TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

Hillary...

... homeslice Jimbo is mining a new vein... and it's pure gold... behold:

Dear Senator Clinton: I was wondering whether you do anything special to prepare for an event that you expect will require you to be particularly sharp, such as press conferences or live TV interviews. Maureen O'Connely

Dear Maureen,
Wow! Another primo question! You guys are the best. Yes, there are a few things I do, but one comes to mind at the moment. It was during may campaign for the Senate when I was preparing to debate that guy Rick or what the hell ever his name was. I was pretty wired, and, frankly, more than a little nervous. Know what I mean? Anyway, I sent one of my aides out to the animal shelter to pick up kitten for me. She brought back this little tabby kitten, and I strangled it. I was good to go then. LOL

... and there is more... here.... and here... go forth now and sup, people...

Read the Bullshit »

cooking...

... lazy, lazy Sunday here... overcast sky.... I'm making Chicken Parmesan again for dinner tonight... but I'm not sure if it'll work out right... I've lost my CD of bullfighting music... and Guns and Roses is in caddy...

... I've been listening to the Kentucky Headhunters all afternoon.... never tried cooking Italian food while listening to them... might turn out a bit strange.... word, people... never underestimate the importance of having the right background music when cooking... you heard it here first...

... anyway, sitting here now, I'm yearning for my coonskin cap... saw a six point buck in the back yard yesterday afternoon... he was gnawing on my muscadine vine and looking wily... varmint... his days are numbered..

... that just about sums up my day... some cooking... some drinking... some music... no drama... a few History Channel documentaries... all the while plotting the demise of fluffy forest creatures with a high powered rifle...

... all in all, even with the occasional speed-bump, life is pretty damn good...

Read the Bullshit »

Blooming...

.... as if I hadn't had enough bullshit lately, two tons arrived yesterday via dump truck.... it seems that when I'm not dealing with the figurative I have to handle the literal as well... typical....

.... while typing this, I can see the steaming mass percolating through the crust of frost... and soon, I shall be shin-deep slinging it across the barren lawn... sounds like fun, no?... honest toil for a change?... yeah, I know you rubberneckers are not sympathetic, but that's cool...

... actually, I am looking forward to it... after all, when you think about it, she's a necessary evil, this figurative and literal pile of crap.... after having suffered a deluge of dung, the flowers will bloom... the grass'll get greener... buds with bud, etc...

... now... if I can only get the same damn fruits to bear from the figurative shit, I'll be rocking and rolling...

Read the Bullshit »

by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(7) | TrackBack (2) | Psycho Rants
» A Swift Kick & A Band-Aid links with: Visitors
» On the Patio links with: Strawberries

Surrounded...

.... everyone knows that the archetypal Southern Story begins with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit"... and today's blog entry should begin that way... so, without further dilly-dallying, let me tell you where I spent all afternoon.... A high-dollar clip, color, curl and cut hair salon... oh yeah, the Missus got coiffed big time... and I was dragged along as chief chauffer...

... it was a trip, people.... it even beat that time I sat outside the Victoria's Secret drinking a milkshake at the mall...

.... Indeed, today provided me with a tiny glimpse into the hidden world of The Hairdresser.... mercy... leather sofas and easy chairs.. marble surfaces everywhere... Southern lilts of giggles and coos coming from buxom lasses as they gently stroked and patted the hair of another female.... evidently just another day of hot hairdressers plying their trade...

... one thing of mention... I never knew that hairdressers had to bend over so much while they were working their art... mirrors everywhere, too... so if you felt like you were going to get busted ogling cleavage directly as it dangled over a wash basin, you could always cast your eyes to the nearest mirrored surface for a safer view...

... but I was a good boy... I smiled meekly when approached... I was a frigging pillar of strength.... however, being the only man in a room of twenty women for upwards of two hours did trigger my flight or fight response a few times... hey, I'm not Superman...

... one thing is for certain though.... the mustache is history... tomorrow morning it gets the axe Mach III....

Read the Bullshit »

Flee me....

... for the past week I have been attempting to cultivate a mustache... why, I just don't know.... maybe the frosty mornings are birthing this urge.. then again, maybe it's like Little River Band said and simply time for a Cool Change... either way, I really don't know why I put myself through the whole mustache ordeal...

... dear old Dad, God rest his Soul, had a killer tash... it stood out red and bushy on his chiseled jaw.... shocks of blonde hair, blue eyes, and a red mustache... full and proud like the bristles of a brush.... looked like a Viking, he did...

... Me?.. I seem to be the recipient of some seriously twisted DNA... red hair and blonde beard does not a marvelous mustachio make... add to that fact that I just scared the sweet Bejesus out of the missus when she sleepily wandered through - eyes only half opened - to give me a morning peck on the lips... I guess her delicate lips didn't enjoy being poked by my budding follicles... yeah, it was the scream she delivered as she sprinted back, wounded, towards the bedroom that gave it away...

... "get rid of the abomination!!... get rid of the abomination!!..."...

... damn, I sure hope she was just talking about the mustache...

Read the Bullshit »

Bye...

... see y'all later... I'm off to Petco to look at lizards...

Read the Bullshit »

Bravado....

.. my cousin Brad borrowed my Cold Steel the other day... and he used the half-serrated blade on my Recon to castrate six Holstein bulls as I watched on... and yeah, I've got pictures, but I ain't sharing... just trust me, it was an incredible sight...

.... each bull weighed between 400 and 600 pounds... and word, people, nut size varies quite a bit over that poundage... the interesting thing?... the bigger the bull, the more still they stood....

... anyway, his technique was marvelous.... use the blade to nip off the back 1/3rd of the nutsack... then milk the balls down toward the opening... once exposed, he'd grab and pull down with all his might.... and eventually the testicle would comes loose in his hands with about a yard of seminal tract still attached.... after that, he would daub them with antiseptic and send them on their way.... amazing how well those varmints could run after just having their "boys" treated in such a way....

... one curious thing, though... those bulls never made a move... or uttered a sound.... just stood there and took it like it was no big deal... come to think of it, I know some people like that...

... but, I have to admit... even with all the bravado, the look on their faces was priceless....

... farming, people.... It most assuredly ain't for the faint of heart....

... on the upside of this wee story?... my teensy pocketknife has finally been used to do the job it was designed for... cutting flesh other than mine...

Read the Bullshit »

by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(22) | TrackBack (2) | Psycho Rants
» Boudicca's Voice links with: Of Beef and Dead People
» Letters from NYC links with: Stress, Life and the NYC Transit Strike

Humbled...

... telling a good lie is an art form... it takes practice and dedication.... and children, nobody can tell a porky like my old buddy Big Stupid Tommy... don't believe me?... check out his latest fabrication... "Sweet Yellow Cornbread".... and while you're there, wish BST some happy thoughts... his blog just ticked over the three year mark... no small feat in these troubling times...

... keep jammin' those FrenchFreedom Fries, killer...

Read the Bullshit »

Baseball....

... baseball... goddamn.... back in the day, I played catcher... 10 years of sweating, directing, and getting steamrolled at home plate waiting for the fortuitous throw that never came... but still, catcher is the best position on the team...

... haven't watched a pro game from start to finish since the 1985 World Series when Kansas City spanked St. Louis after being two games down..... Bret Saberhagen, people.... that man could throw.... and it was George Brett's arguable swansong... and damn, only in baseball could some white-bread knucklehead with a name like Saberhagen rock everyone's world...

... but I'm losing my point... see, in the end, baseball movies break me up... and to prove my point, here, check this out.... I watched Steinbeck's George blow Lennie's brains out by the river today and thought to myself... "damn... I don't know who I relate to more... Lennie or George.. sometimes I feel like I'm on both sides of that literary trigger."... but the fact remains, nary a tear was shed... sure, the mind churned and the brain baked.. but there was no feeling.... Hell, hardly even a sniffle as the movie ended...

... now... fast forward... "Major League" just finished on the family television, and by the end I was crying like a fucking baby.. unbelievable....

... sometimes things just are what they are.... a friend busting a cap in a retarded soulmate?... dry eyes... even when understanding the complexity of Steinbeck's tale and having played "George" in the high school reproduction... but a whackjob with a gay haircut striking out a New York Yankee?.... waterworks....

.... it truly is strange... it seems that baseball, much like syphilis, evidently never fully leaves your system....

Read the Bullshit »

Whoville...

... re-watched the old animated version of "The Grinch who stole Christmas" last night... and, man, that poor dog of his really had it rough...

... I've always loved that movie... something about the Grinch just jabs my curiousity.... Misunderstood old curmudgeon living alone with his beagle in a cave on top of a mountain overlooking a sea of seething Whomanity...

... kinda like blogging when you think about it...

.. anyway, at the very end of the show when the Grinch had gotten all warm and fuzzy after burgling the Whos, I imagined what would really happen when he came down the mountain with all their stuff in his buggy...

... so with sincere apologies for Dr. Seuss, here goes..

The Grinch entered town and told the Whos he was sorry
His intent was to steal, after all, not to borry
His heart was a'glowing with fine Christmas Spirit
But the Whos didn't care, they didn't want to hear it.
The called on the constable to arrest the foul Grinch
"You stole all that was stealable and didn't even flinch!"
"You stole and your're mean and your're green", said The Marshal
"So you're going to jail with no bail and no parcel."
So they locked the Grinch up in the Who County Slammer
With shouts of "Let the fool rot! He's worse than a spammer!"
For robbin' on Christmas is just wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong
And returning the booty in your sleigh with a song
Won't make up for badness once you've proved you are evil
and we're pretty damned sure you've been abusing that beagle.

Read the Bullshit »

Mexico...

... there be some seriously strange mojo going on here at the casa.... had my Ma over for lunch yesterday after she had shuffled off the mantle of her church duties... I laid on some garlic and peppercorn marinated pork loin, green beans, and homemade mashed potaters... not bad stuff, really.. actually, probably the first green vegetable I've eaten in years... hey, at this rate, I'll live forever.....

... anyway, a few hours ago, I finally took a break from downloading eastern European porn videos, and I'm now in the wondrous embrace of a musical trip down memory lane... harking back to the formative years, people... back to a time when I was pert and full of those beans everyone is always talking about....

... the downloads?.... sure, it's mainly old George Jones songs, but hey... don't be throwing stones... I managed a Merle Haggard song or two... even some ZZ Top... besides, it's Monday evening and I'm deep in the throes of a monutental maudlin.. no, no... deeper than that... think epic proportions, rubberneckers... wheels within wheels, children.... and if Merle and Georgie don't manage to save me, one of you twelve readers be sure to throw me a lifeline...

.... the one ray of light on this beige-colored evening?... check this out.. ZZ hitting the high notes.... makes me wish I could dance, it does.... I'm sure Yabu will be down with it... that boy probably has the Mexican Blackbird's autograph...

.. quote of the day?.... "let's drive that ole Chrysler to Mexico, boys"...

.. word, rubberneckers... word... sometimes we all need to make a dash for the border.... figuratively, of course.. only figuratively...

Read the Bullshit »

..after eating a turkey sandwich....

... it began raining sometime last night... the steady kind of rain that November brings... chilled and soaked, the leaves that fell days ago now lie black and flat.... the crispness they once enjoyed has faded fast... no longer will they be tossed by the stirring air.... their bright colors too, changed by the falling rain, have given way to the dull earthen-color of Winter...

... the World is settling... the blanket of fallen leaves piles like a quilt around the trees and bushes... holding them fast and preparing them for snows to come...

... the smell, too... decaying sweetness instigated by the downpour.. pine cones, acorns, and leaves join together to create the scene...

... some say it is the dead time... but I don't believe that... it is only time for sleep...

Read the Bullshit »

The Crew...

... Mr. Montana has done it again.... the man is a friggin genius.... but casting me as Nice Guy Eddie is bullshit... that Penn guy just pisses me off... that whole "quit pointing your gun at my DADDY" thing... what's up with a grown man saying "Daddy"... use Dad or Father... Hell, even "Pop" or "Pa" is better than screaming "DADDY" like a little squealing girlie-man...

... oh, and by the way, Dax.. payback is on the way...

Read the Bullshit »

by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(4) | TrackBack (1) | Poetry
» RedNeck Ramblings links with: Dax, ReLoaded.

Saturday...

.... Today's task at hand is an adventure in the kitchen... boldly going, people, boldly going.... see, down in the ethnic food desert that I live in, the culinary cutting-edge is bad Mexican or over-cooked Italian... and since I woke up this morning with a hunger for Tikka, I'm on a mission...

... I'm thinking chicken tikka... but, man, I'd kill for some lamb... problem is that all the rough and tough citizens of this county view lambs as pets.... or just something to decorate a field with... instead of the juicy little critters they are... a little mint sauce, some boiled potatoes, and a nice hunk of tender lamb... these yokels don't know what they're missing....

... but I digress... no lamb for me... I'm forced to whip up my Indian with yardbird instead...

... and to add an extra level of fun to my barren existence, I'll be attempting the first ever creation of unleavened bread in my humble home... a garlic and cheese nan bread... if it all works out, today should totally rock...

.... oh, and I'll be drinking lots of beer too... don't forget the beer..

Read the Bullshit »

by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(12) | TrackBack (1) | Psycho Rants
» Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon links with: The Soldier's Tank

Smells...

... a familiar ritual was endured last week... one that I have put up with for going on 12 years... one that fills me with a deep sense of dread.. but one that I must submit to without a whimper... and one that I truly don't understand.... The Buying of the Cologne...

... see, with most things, I am given a free rein and a wide berth... clothes?.. simple and basic... shoes?.. functional and plain... haircut?... short and tight.... but when it comes to how I smell, my free-will gets bulldozed and I am at the mercy of the missus....

... what's up with that?.. the smell of "soap" not good enough?...

... I just don't get it.. I mean, I don't care whether my squeeze smells of daisies or hints of spices... there is no flip-of-the-switch smell that pushes me over the edge or kick-starts my passions.. when I'm in the mood, I'm in the mood...

... just stepped out of the shower?.. bitchin, baby... I'm in the mood... just finished weeding the flower bed in mid-July?.. hot damn, girl... I'm in the mood... it's as easy as that...

... if you ask me, men's cologne is just plain tedious..

... anyway, I'm off to the shop to buy myself a Veteran's Day present.. maybe a gun... maybe a guitar... maybe a new computer... we'll see....

... oh, and just in case y'all were wondering about the stench she decided on this month... it's Armani's Black Code... bloody Hell... fresh lemon and bergamot, indeed...

Read the Bullshit »

To Peace...

... I got a call yesterday from my Cousin... he and his wife had road-tripped down to Parris Island to catch a graduation and he was standing on the edge of the parade deck in front of 1st BN's HQ describing the scene for me.... they didn't know anyone who was graduating... they just knew that those Men were new Marines... Marines likely to be sent into combat in the coming months....

.... during the call, he said that he just felt he should there on Nov 10th and 11th.... he's an old Khe Sanh siege warhorse.. and from his position as a combat vet, knowing what is in store for many of those new brothers was a deeply moving moment... he makes that trip almost every year....

.... with that said, Happy Veteran's Day, vets... and to all the men and women who have worn the uniform, the people of the United States and I owe you a debt of gratitude that can never be fully paid...

... below is an excerpt from a poem hosted by Army Wife... it's one I hadn't seen before and I like it... read the whole thing here...

"A curious boy asks an old soldier
Sitting in front of the grocery store,
"How did you lose your leg?"
And the old soldier is struck with silence,
Or his mind flies away
Because he cannot concentrate it on Gettysburg.
It comes back jocosely
And he says, "A bear bit it off."
And the boy wonders, while the old soldier
Dumbly, feebly lives over
The flashes of guns, the thunder of cannon,
The shrieks of the slain,
And himself lying on the ground,
And the hospital surgeons, the knives,
And the long days in bed.
But if he could describe it all
He would be an artist.
But if he were an artist there would be deeper wounds
Which he could not describe."

.. to all our vets, thank you...

Read the Bullshit »

Still there...

... still on that cusp, people... in, out, in, out... sheesh... go and Vote, please... I don't mind losing or winning... but losing or winning by one stinking vote just wrankles me...

.. remember.. nobody likes a hanging chad.... and voting ends in two hours...

Update: Damn.. sorry.... it don't end till 23:59.... have at it, rubberneckers.. have at it....

Read the Bullshit »

230 years....

.... last year while us USMC vets were celebrating the Birth of our Corps, many of our active duty brothers and sisters were storming the streets of Fallujah... this year too, finds them in harms way doing what Marines do... in Afghanistan and Iraq.. Malaysia and the Horn of Africa... at hundreds of United States Embassies around the world... afloat with MEUs or flying high with a MAW... in garrison at Lejeune, 29 Palms, or Okinawa... or training throughout the World... they are standing tall....

... this is always a strange week for me... with the Birthday of the Corps and Veteran's Day... every year I get blasted with the double-barrel of military service... an overwhelming pride and true sadness at the same time.... this year is no different...

... so Happy 230th Birthday, Marines.... two years ago I wrote this on my blog... and not much has changed since 1775.. well, except for the buttock pinching...

... 228 years ago today, like minded men got together in a bar in Philadelphia. The name of the joint was Tun Tavern, and the year was 1775. After much drinking, political conversation, pinching of the serving wench's buttocks, and a few bar brawls, the gentlemen present created the Marine Corps..

....and Marines around the world continue to follow in the sterling footsteps of their forbearers...

... so with that, thank you, Marines... thank you for doing what you do - and doing it so well...

... I'll cook dinner tonight just as I always do on November 10th... grilled steak and potatoes, just like always.... and just as always, my Wife will have forgotten that today is my birthday.. and then, as she puts the dressing on her salad, she will notice that the table is set for three instead of two... and she'll suddenly realize what today is... we'll talk about Warnick and Lomosad, Lou, Nico, and Miles and the rest of the crazy jarheads she met through me... and then we'll raise a toast.

... Semper Fi, my mates... may there be a Marine Corps for another 230 years!..

.. and today is the day to truly throw your money at Valour-IT... the Army and Navy have met their targets, but we have not... we may be "The Few".. but we're "The Proud" too...

Others celebrating:

A Swift Kick
Wild Thing
Holly Aho
Drunken Wisdom
Tammi's World
Doc Russia
Barbette
Laughing Wolf
Telebush
Flightpundit
Blackfive
Donald Sensing
Michelle Malkin
Right Equals Might
Brother Bob Baird

Read the Bullshit »

by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(21) | TrackBack (1) | Military Stuff
» Drunken Wisdom links with: Nov. 10, 1775

The Cusp...

... you know, I just hate to be on the cusp... either count me in or count me out.... that said, I be hanging like a Florida Chad right now over at Aaron's crib... so if you haven't voted, get your tails over there.... VOTE, people... not necessarily for me.. but VOTE... as it stands now, I be 16th... and hey, I'm no poker player, but something tells me that there ain't 16 friggin Clubs in a deck of cards... so, either push me ahead, or take one of the ones above me and shove them up... cusps suck...

.. thank you for your support...

Read the Bullshit »

Hot...

... I've said many time that autumn is my favorite time of year... leaves bursting with color.. trees preparing to sleep through the cold winter... college football... my birthday... Halloween... hunting season.... frosty mornings....

.. well, this has to be the worst Autumn in recorded history... everybody and their Grandma has laid the beatdown on the University of Tennessee... the damn leaves peaked for three days and then a vagrant windstorm came through and dropped them all... the land I normally hunt on has been leased to a Yankee... and I walked outside today to sweep the damned fallen leaves off the deck and it was 75 degrees!... at 10AM!... it was so hot that I had to take my fleece off... and I've waited ALL YEAR to put that bastard on... I love fleeces....

... seriously, no shit... it's almost the middle of November, and it's 80 degrees by noon.... that's insane...

... I want autumn back, dammit...

Read the Bullshit »

Bad Luck...

... this would really, really suck.... and on his birthday, even... as if getting run over by a truck ain't bad enough by itself...

Read the Bullshit »

Homeward bound....

... back in June of 2004, I posted my Cousin's take on the mobilization of our local National Guard unit - the 278th Armored Cavalry Regiment - as it began the trip down for training in Mississippi.... if you haven't read it, you probably should... he's a big, big man... and watching those men and women set off into the unknown broke him down....

... the post itself became a message board of sorts... wives, brothers, and sweethearts leaving messages to their servicemen in the comments... and of all the crazy comments left on this blog in the past two+ years, those are some of the most touching I have ever read.... and some of the most meaningful...

.... in November of last year, those wonderful troops - our brothers, sisters, teachers, neighbors, and friends - were sent to service in northeastern Iraq... all of them sacrificed on our behalf... and ten of them gave their lives..

... today, the first group arrived back into the welcoming arms of family and friends... in small towns and big towns across the state... Knoxville, Lafayette, Etowah, Nashville... Monteagle, Gordonsville, and Jellico...

... more will be arriving over the next few weeks... and all of our citizen soldiers should be back in these glorious, Autumn-decorated hills in time for Thanksgiving dinner...

... a Thanksgiving, indeed...

... you men and women of the 278th have made a difference in the lives of countless people... and we, your neighbors, are glad you're back...

... welcome home, 278th... welcome home...

Read the Bullshit »

Toe troubles....

... I think I had a stroke or something a few days ago

... isn't one of the symptoms of having a stroke that some piece of you goes numb?... I woke up Monday morning and nearly fell when I tried to get out of bed... see, the left side of my right big toe was numb... I ended up lurching around like a Village of the Damned extra till late afternoon when I finally figured out how to walk with a half-numb big toe... and it's been that way ever since... no, not the lurching, the numbness...

... so, what is/was it?... stroke?... blood clot?... flesh-eating virus?... signs of a midnight abduction by alien foot fetishists?...

... I don't know, but it sure is weird.... I've never had random body parts just go on strike like this before... and of all the parts that I have offended over the years (and that have a legitimate reason to form a picket line), why the lowly toe?... it's not like I go around kicking the Hell out of stuff... for the most part, I leave the bastard alone...

.. I'd have expected this crap from my liver or kidneys... but never from a comfortable, well-socked toe... I always thought he was happy...

Read the Bullshit »

by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(17) | TrackBack (1) | Drinking
» Boudicca's Voice links with: Funny Stuff Now and Upcoming

Five of Clubs?..

... here's a question for you dazzling urbanites... how would you guys like to see my ugly mug on a deck of cards?... heh, probably not many, but still, our daring Sadie has seen fit to nominate me... mercy sakes, girl... blogger immortality, that's what it is... well, kinda.... so thank you, dear.... I owe you one..

... hey, it looks like three poor souls have already voted for me... now that's interesting... Hell, I didn't even vote for me...

... you gotta hand it to Aaron, though... it is a pretty nifty idea...

Read the Bullshit »

Stilton...

... I love cheese... at any given moment, there are at least 10 different kinds in the fridge.. edam, brie, three different cheddars, parmesan and Romano... even some wild and woolly blue cheese.... well, last night I cooked up a pot of homemade macaroni and cheese that would curl your hair... in a good way, of course.... it was just that good.... I even ceremonially raised a bowl towards the west in honor of LeeAnn.... she would have been so proud...

... now, a better man than I would actually use this post to provide a recipe for my heavenly concoction... psyche.... I am not that "better man"... besides, Boudicca's gallstone would probably hitch a ride up to Tennessee and kick my ass for taunting it with such mouth-watering verbiage...

... so, no recipe for you people.... however, I do enjoy the notion of squealing on some "secret ingredients"... every cook has them... and while they do put the icing on the proverbial cake, they are not the backbone of the recipe... which means, of course, that they can be un-secreted at leisure... mine?... gaze upon my ingredients, ye mighty, and despair...

.. grated Romano - two cups...
... extra-crumbly Blue Stilton - one cup...
.. Gulden's spicy mustard - two tablespoons...

... of course I used a lot more cheese than what I listed... the normal everyday stuff... some sharp cheddar... some Velveeta... just a wee bit of mozzarella... and garlic, black pepper, and salt....

... seriously... I'm telling you... the secret ingredients made the meal...

... besides, one often cannot find uses for ripe stilton.. and it ends up lounging in the back of the icebox relaxing until it gains self-awareness... eventually escaping off into the woods to frolic with the other escaped cheeses....

... but I digress.... all that old cheese you have cluttering the fridge?... experiment, people.. boil up a big pot of noodles and throw some cheese at it... it's a good way to spend an afternoon... especially when you have red wine...

Update: for the Bitterman (who knows his cheese), a link to some awesome local produce... Sweetwater Valley Farms... I highly recommend their "Buttermilk" cheddar.. one of the sharpest I've ever had...

Read the Bullshit »

Attention, Marines....

... listen up, comrades... I have an announcement from the Mother Ship... Aho is down.. say again... Aho is DOWN.. now, this does not mean that we're having a hoedown.. nor does it mean that a woman of ill repute has fallen... I say again... Holly Aho's website is down... heh heh... sorry, Holly, I couldn't resist.... evidently all this extra traffic from brazzilions of donators has munched her server... but she's in the process of getting it fixed...

... so, while the Army and Navy are marching forward, our jarhead efforts are temporarily offline... but have no fear... if you haven't donated yet, head over to the Valour-IT main site and throw them some cash...
.
.
.
.









.. out...

Read the Bullshit »

by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(2) | TrackBack (1) | Military Stuff
» Argghhh! The Home Of Two Of Jonah's Military Guys.. links with: Snerk! Donnie and Eric will approve.

Struggle...

... another beautiful morning here in southeastern Tennessee... birds at chirping... the sunlight is sifting through the flame-colored forest leaves... the hills are alive with the sound of music.. bacon is sizzling in the frying pan... France is in the throes of riots and banditry... etc, etc... ad infinitum...

... as for me, I'm out of here... time to switch off the tube and make some moves... but I'll begin my day of travels with a bounce in my step and a quote from a wise, wise man.... behold what Sir Winston Churchill once said....

.... "success is the ability to go from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm"...

... heh.. speaks volumes, that..

... so therefore, let us be enthusiastic... as insane as it sounds, it makes all the difference... and these days, well, it's just about all we've got...

Read the Bullshit »

More on Barbarians...

... that's right, rubberneckers... not only is it "Barbarian Weekend" on The History Channel, but y'all are getting it here too... hey, what can I say, I'm bored... anyway, I was just reading that one in four humans on the face of the planet have a direct bloodline back to Genghis Khan... yeah, let that one sink in for a minute...

... done?.. good... now say it with me... "DAMN!.. now that is a legacy"...

... sure, sure... say what you will, but something tells me he was "conquering" more than huge tracts of land and the occasional uppity Sultan... then again, maybe he didn't conquer those darlings after all... Hell, for all we know, the damsels lined right up when they saw his armored camel come galloping over the horizon.... catch my drift?...

... see, even back then, the ladies got all weak-kneed over the badboys.. power, safety, money, a little bit of ruthlessness thrown in for good measure, and those furry dark-age knickers were getting dropped by the bushel load... and now look at us... clean-shaven.. reading glasses... high cholesterol... what a damn depressing lot we have become...

... it's always at these pleasant times of the afternoons when all the great mud puddles of life get slowly clearer through liberal use of Lagavulin.. sorry that you guys are having to bear witness... but still, Genghis Khan?... 1 in 4 people?... damn... and I hear tell that no one knows where he was laid to rest on the Steppes... easy way to find him?... walk across Mongolia reading a copy GQ Magazine aloud, and then listen for the vibrations of him spinning in his grave... yeah, talk about a civilization in decline...

... that said, I totally retract what I spouted in my previous post... I'm not a barbarian.. Hell, I'm not even a badboy... shit, I even have table manners... and apart from the occasional antics after too much Barley, I'm really a fluffy-bunny type guy... totally harmless... well, a fluffy-bunny type guy with lots of guns...

... but still... 1 in 4 people... that's just amazing... and even though I know it isn't true... I'd like to imagine old Genghis would at least enjoy sipping a fine Scotch with me on the deck before ransacking the house and barbecuing the cats...

Read the Bullshit »

I, Barbarian...

.. a while back, I poked some fun at those Cavemen of Geico fame... lightheartedly, I pointed out that the pouty one in the "Mango Salsa" episode looked a lot like John Malkovitch... well, you can imagine my surprise when I get an email from a friend of the cavemen telling me their real names... Jeff Daniel Phillips and Ben Weber...

.. Ladies and Gentlemen, the internet is one strange place...

... so, seeing as the chum I throw out here occasionally attracts the right fish, I thought I would offer a "thank you" to whatever nameless marketing executive came up with the Capital One "pillagers"

... seriously... those guys speak to me on so many levels.. of course, they don't make me want to switch all my credit cards over, but that is beside the point... as I watch those dispossessed barbarians, (like today as I was cleaning my Bushmaster) I smile deep down inside... those manky, unscrubbed Vikings are my Soul Brothers... truly... ready to pillage... armed to the teeth... and yet shoehorned into a society that is alien, civilized, and peaceful...

... remember Jimmy Buffett's "A Pirate Looks at Forty"?... it's the same general idea except with Battle Axes....

... so thank you, Nameless Marketing Executive Who Invented The Capital One Pillagers, however inadvertently, you give me hope... not in humanity, of course... but instead that it is alright for some of us to keep our swords sheathed...

Update:... a happy birthday to fellow Barbarian, the Bitterman...

Read the Bullshit »

Cars...

... way, way back Panasonic ran a television commercial singing the praises of their in-car stereo equipment... now, this is of small consequence to most, but to me it provided a strange inspiration...

... for many Americans, that commercial provided them with their first glimpse of a teen-age Cindy Crawford... a few years later she would be gracing the pages of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition with hard nips and baby-oiled skin, but right then she was smoking hot in denim and flannel... this was all way before she made out with that Baldwin guy and lost her mojo....

... anyway, that cheesy commercial was brilliant... Cindy pulls up to a deserted gas station in a hot-rodded 1953 Mercury and starts filling up her tank... a preppie guy across the way is cleaning the windshield of his Porsche... they flirt a little.. she turns up the volume on her Panasonic, and the next thing you know they're both sitting in the front seat of the Merc making goo-goo eyes at each other... and as Cindy pulls up onto the road, you see the Porsche... strapped to the top of the Merc as it drives away...

... it was at that point that I knew that the car for me was a '53...

... and as my 16th birthday approached, my Father and I searched everywhere for a 53 Merc that we could restore... we failed, unfortunately, and I settled for a beat-up black 1951... that car was my baby... all original... fender skirts and whitewalls... I drove that beast all during high school...

... why do I bring this up?... well, I see that a lot of bloggers are taking a stroll down memory lane in regards to their buggies.... and since I have nothing better to do, and I just got back from an exhausting day-trip to Nashville, why not join in?...

a black 1951 Mercury (Tennessee)
a black 1951 Ford (Tennessee)
a silver 1987 Mustang (Tennessee)
a brown 1969 International Scout (Alaska)
a green 1985 Diahatsu Charmant (Scotland)
a silver 1995 BMW 316 (Scotland)
a dark blue 1997 Audi A4 (Scotland)
a silver 2003 Audi A4 (Tennessee)

.. not many cars, I know... but hey, nobody said this post was going to be riveting...

Read the Bullshit »

by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(4) | TrackBack (2) | SWG Stories
» Miasmatic Review links with: Motoring
» That's Not Very Nice! links with: Cars, Cars, & More Cars.

Can ya FEEL me?...

... people, we live in a world that has boundaries.. it's unfortunate, but true.... we have walls, so to speak... lines drawn in our minds, on paper, and in the sand that demark everything from National borders to sports out-of-bounds lines...

.. Dax, with this, has not only crossed the border of Good Taste.... he has completely invaded the land and burnt most of the buildings... I love that in a guy....

Read the Bullshit »

by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(6) | TrackBack (2) | Psycho Rants
» Argghhh! The Home Of Two Of Jonah's Military Guys.. links with: Donovan's Raid on Atlanta
» from Jhony links with: :-)

Christine McIntyre....

... amazing how worlds collide sometimes... how the depths of our memories are dredged at the strangest of times to produce connective tangents we never thought possible.... the whimsical and the happenstance twisting and squirming until our little minds discover a meaning in the madness... well, that happened to me yesterday afternoon...

... while diddy-bopping along the back roads grooving to some Bloodhound Gang, I suddenly remembered my First Love... I was a budding six year old Tennessean... and she was happily married, 67 years old, and a successful realtor in California... but, God, how I loved her... as with most perfect beings, she always remained out of reach... and once I hit puberty, I forgot all about her... but that is always the case with first loves.... that is, until today...

... as I hurtled my car along those spindly paths with the beat booming, a face from the past materialized just as D.J. Q-Ball and Jimmy Pop were starting the second verse of The Bad Touch... it was as if I had been touched by the hand of the Almighty himself... my lust for Christine McIntyre was reawakened...

christine.jpg

.. "Love.. the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket.. like the lost catacombs of Egypt, only God knows where we stuck it"...

... absolutely amazing... after all this time, I finally remembered the first woman who flipped that proverbial switch... and you know, I normally don't go for blondes....

... yep, as strange as it sounds, I believe that gorgeous blonde who starred in so many Three Stooges episodes was the reason for my first ever boner...

... hey, don't judge me.... being six years old at the time, I was living on a junk-television diet of "Days of our Lives", "The Three Stooges", and "Captain Kangaroo"... but I remembered today the exact moment of liftoff... the Stooges had dropped a bag of bubble gum into the cake mix thinking they were marshmallows... hilarity (and a rather small stiffy) resulted once Christine's huge bubblegum bubble burst all over her face.... sticky, wet, and marvelous...

.. in retrospect, I suppose, even in black and white, she was a good one to first pop-up to... and in a way, I'm pretty lucky... I mean, what if it had been Mr. Greenjeans?...

.. she was the first woman ever to stir that spark in my loins those many, many years ago... and I've got The Bloodhound Gang to thank for kick-starting that old memory...

... the only thing that detracts from the whole scene is the possibility of Larry nailing her backstage... but still, I was only six.. and I didn't think about that back then....

Read the Bullshit »

by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(12) | TrackBack (1) | Psycho Rants
» from Jhony links with: :-)

Lunch....

... well, wonders never cease.... just when I thought it was safe to sleep till noon and enjoy a recliner-based lifestyle, I got the call yesterday...

.. shocking, I know... however, it promised to be only an accidental blip on my hedonistic radar screen.. so I'm not too stressed out... it was only one day of toil... see, it seems my local government needed my services for the day... installing a new workstation computer.... I handled it.. after all, when one's government needs them, well, you just have to step up...

... actually, I'm not too bitter about the situation... it was a beautiful day for tooling into town with the sunroof open on my way to the office...

... as for today, it's all very civilized... I'm off to a coffee shop in town for lunch... a leisurely stroll around the courthouse square in the sunshine to walk off my turkey panini... and then back home in time for evening cocktails... complete with swizzle sticks, no less...

Read the Bullshit »

by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(4) | TrackBack (1) | Drinking
» from Jhony links with: :-)

Up, Vets!...

... break out that moldy old money, Jarheads.... and head over to Holly Aho's website to donate for a good cause.. Valour-IT... our veterans have done so much for us, it's time to give a little back...

.. and to add to the bloggy fun, there is a bit of competition going between Services... trying to see who can raise the most money... and you guys know how it works... us Marines are expected to do more with less.. so, if you are a former Marine, get over there and throw some money in the USMC pot... and if you are as yet unaffiliated, forget the Zoomies, Squids, and Doggies... you know you want to be on our side...

.. hat tip: Blackfive...

Read the Bullshit »

by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(5) | TrackBack (2) | Military Stuff
» Soldiers' Angels Germany links with: Project Valour-IT Fundraising Competition, Day 2
» from Jhony links with: :-)

Peepholes....

.. today's unusual Quote of the Day comes from Belfast... I'd expand upon it more, but that would just be overkill... and as y'all know, we're all about the subtlety here....

Risqué lingerie retailer Ann Summers is set to cause a sensation in Belfast with the launch of a new 'peephole' in its revamped store.

Partners or friends of potential customers will be able to watch them try on the underwear through specially designed spyholes in the doors of the changing rooms.

... intrigued?... shocked?.... read it all...

... cutting edge, people...

Read the Bullshit »

by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(6) | TrackBack (1) | Psycho Rants
» from Jhony links with: :-)

Ambassador??...

... someone once called me the Ambassador of the Blogosphere... I don't recall exactly who, but the name stuck.... now it seems that Mr. Helpful is picking on me, Jimbo, and Zonker.... so, I suppose some sort of resume of my achievements indiscretions is in order...

.. blogmeets I have attended... Dahlonega, Savannah, Helen I, Athens GA, Chicago, Jekyll Island, Chattanooga, Washington DC, NYC/Manhattan, New Jersey, Athens TN, Helen II, and the latest one at my home...

... bloggers that have visited my home sans-blogmeet?... Adam & his Babe, Bitterman, Blackfive, Closet Extremist, Rube and Anna, Ken Brown, Recondo 32 and Georgia, and T1G... all of those intrepid souls just stopped by for a night or two during their random travels...

.. and the really scary thing is that I am probably forgetting one or two visitors or blogmeets...

... I still doubt that I am ambassadorial material, but there you go... something tells me that my mis-spent youth might keep me out of the circles of power... but with great apologies to Johnny Cash... as far as the blogworld is concerned, "I've been everywhere, man.."...

Read the Bullshit »

Garbage...

.. I've always been a huge fan of getting other people to do my work for me at every convenience... I truly have a knack.... it's not that I'm lazy, per se... it's just that I don't want to be taking the food out of the mouths of the workin' man's kiddies... see?... after all, I am a noble beast and I am not without my sensitivities... and I do it solely for the kiddies... you know, kumbaya, and all that...

... take today, for instance... garbage day in Eagle Glen... a day where three nice men in a nice white truck belly-up to my driveway and load up my discards for bum-rummaging... it's the American Dream.. for them AND me... hey, I throw away some pretty good shit...

... like most people, back in the day I used to cart my rubbish off in small trunkloads to the nearby landfills.. to say the least, it was not ideal... see, afterwards, I'd have to pay some knucklehead to valet my car to get the stench of empty beer bottles out of the trunk... since then, I've wizened... gotten an education... and I pay The Man to collect the detritus right off my doorstep... sure, the car doesn't get polished as often, but it saves money in the long run...

... today, though, today those gentlemen earned their pay... I spent most of the afternoon searching the nooks and crannies of the house collecting all the little presents that the bloggers left behind... butts and bottles.. empty paper plates and plastic cups.. empty packets of .45ACP ammo... crumpled cigarette packs... even about thirty stray balloons that someone saw fit to hide in my cabinets, my fridge, and my freezer..

... the result was that I had SEVEN bags of rotting post-blogmeet crap down at the mailbox by four this afternoon... normally I have only one... you guys and gals made me so damn proud.. I've always aspired to greatness, and it has remained elusive.. but today, today I have arrived... and I owe it all to you guys.... sure, it ain't much, but it's all I got...

... today my garbage pile was unequalled in the neighborhood....

... I truly do live for these small pleasures...

Read the Bullshit »

Safe....

... a steady trickle of trick or treaters visited the casa last night... various ghouls and goblins rang the doorbell and shared in the fruits of my candy dish... and one in particular stands out.. a wee tike of about three who was dressed as a pumpkin... cleaving unto his Momma's breast and crying bloody murder... poor lad... his brother was dressed in a mask that squirted blood on occasion.. quite gory, if you ask me... and hey, I don't blame the little pumpkin guy... as I had just woken up from a lambkin dream on the couch myself, and it freaked me too..

.. ahh, but candy is the ultimate pacifier... once his bro doffed the mask and grabbed two chocolates from the bowl, the little pumpkin acquiesced and even smiled as I handed him a miniature milkway... Momma smiled gratefully at me, and daubed at the mascara streaking her blemishless face....

... of course, as big bro slid the mask back on and headed towards Momma's mini-van, pumpkinboy began wailing again... burying his orange-painted face into protective embrace of his Mother's white cashmere sweater...

... I poured myself a large Lagavulin and laughed out loud after they'd gone... and as I kicked my feet up onto the ottoman and sank into the couch, I closed my eyes... oh to be young again... when squishing your face between two fluffy bosoms would provide the ultimate safe-haven from the beasts of the World...

Read the Bullshit »

by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(6) | TrackBack (1) | Drinking
» from Jhony links with: :-)