A Presidential Speech...

... I'd vote for this guy... yes, yes I would...

... I've never seen a hajii chick, but I'll bet they're hot...

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Send me Scotch....

... trapped between the double-glazed window and the storm screen in my blogroom window, there lives a macabre community... I watch them every day... cannibalistic, incestuous, and brutal... .. I first noticed them three years ago... tiny little things even when fully grown... common house spiders... how they got in there, I have no idea... but the problem is that once they got in.. after a few days of growth, they were too big to make it back out... the tiny holes of the screen locking them in their prison.. thus, they were trapped...

... now, here's the deal... just about every other critter is too large to penetrate the screen... so guess what's on the menu for the spiders... can't guess?... the only other crawlie that is around, rubberneckers.. baby spiders...

... it's the same way every year.. the hatchlings hatch and start scurrying around for lunch... but there is none to be had... it takes a few days, but they catch on... eventually turning to eating their brothers and sisters to survive... it's quite a sight, and I see it all right from my comfy blogchair... like right now, for instance.. it's early Summer and two camps have arisen... each holding the high ground in opposite corners.. each with a Big Momma spider and loads of wee ones... occasionally, Big Momma spider will brave a raid over to the other fortification and snatch a spiderling... suck the guts out of the thing, and rush back to her corner.. it's all cool, though... the other Big Momma does the same thing from time to time...

... by the end of Summer, they'll all be dead.. as Autumn approaches, both Big Mommas will spin another egg sack in their corner fortification... and next year it will start all over again... life between the screen and the double glazing...

... the really strange thing is that, yeah.. I know they are just spiders, but I really feel like that in watching them, I'm reading their blog... crazy stuff... now I just need to figure out how to leave comments...

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Kinky...

... I've seen a lot of blogs talking about sex lately... men and women waxing poetic about the differences between men and women... but this blog, in a nutshell, seems to drive the peg home... plus, I just love this quote...

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. -- Author Unknown

... hey, I'm just sayin'... oh, and follow my links at your own risk, people...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(8) | Psycho Rants
» .:.WitNit.:. links with: My First Time

Because he asked...

... Dax Montana wanted to see the turtle... so here she is... yeah, I sprayed her down with the water hose in a vain attempt to run her off.. I think she liked it...

turtle3.jpg

.. and here.. in this photo, she was inordinately pissed because I'd been prodding her with a broom handle...

turtle2.jpg

... and here... this is the rear view of a pregnant snapping turtle... I took this one just because I knew some of you pervs would want to see it... after all, we here at SWG are equal opportunity fetish caterers..

turtle1.jpg

... as far as I know, the fearsome beast is now roaming freely around rural McMinn county...

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reminders....

... I just found out that I am #1 on the googler for "Scotland 100 - Japan 8"... and it's all because of this post... after re-reading it, I only have one thing to say... good God, I love having a blog.. had I not written that story down, it would have forever slipped from my memory... today, thanks to someone googling Scotland's complete thrashing of Japan, I found it again.. for me, that's what keeping this infantile web page is all about....

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first responder...

.. took all day today to cruise the back roads around three counties... down to the Hiwassee.. over to the Ocoee... up to Tellico... then back down to Ducktown again... a lovely drive through the mountains.... just me and mine... stopping when we wanted... eating when we were hungry... and even though we drove through a few rainshowers, it was a great day of doing nothing... the mountains are beautiful even when they are drenched by a fresh downpour...

... about four this evening, two custom choppers passed us... beautiful machines.... we were only doing about 45 miles per hour, and they were only slightly faster than us... I remember watching them - about 50 yards in front of me - as they weaved along the curves my Audi was about to take.... I remember thinking to myself what a freeing experience it must be to ride a bike... especially on such fine machines as they were on.... gliding along in the warm summer rain...

... and then, just like that, we rounded a gentle curve and they were gone.... the first thing that caught my eye was the leather-shirted rider slamming into the guardrail.. and then I saw the first chopper in the median...

.. I pulled over about thirty feet in front of their crashed vehicles and jumped out to check them.. they were cut up, but awake... I stayed there until the cops turned up... then I split... totally surreal at the time... one minute you are watching machines perform... daydreaming... and then next minute there is blood and ground up meat and men gritting their teeth as they wait for an ambulance... trauma, people... whether combat, or accidents.. I do not envy ER workers...

... I was going to post tonight about visiting with the Amish community near Delano, TN that we visited with today... and the impact that watching them till their fields, sell their produce, and live their lives had had on me... even as I was driving back and forth through the Cherokee National Forest today, I was forming that post...

... right now, it just won't come... I've tried, and it's not in me.. maybe it will surface in the morning sometime.... if not, well, just let me say this... the Amish people impress me... they really do... just as bikers do after today..

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Musicals...

... duality, people... it's a wild ride... yesterday I was re-watching "50 First Dates"... hey, I enjoy the penguin scene, so sue me... anyway, at the end of the movie there is a dedication to Sander's father... while that is going on, they play the song "They Call the Wind Maria"... so I was sitting there going over the penguin scene again in my head and munching on a taco when the Wife says.. "oh, that reminds me.. I want to buy Oklahoma on DVD"...

... this struck me as odd... "What?", says I taking a sip from my Gin and Tonic.. "why'd that song remind you of Oklahoma?... it's from Paint Your Wagon"...

... well, much too'ing and fro'ing ensued.. heated words, pointed fingers, and pouty lips... who's right?.. Me, of course.. bets were even placed.... the result?... a quick run to the internet to prove - once and for all - which cheesy musical that song appeared in..

... just an average evening at home in front of the tube... but two things about this little skit stick out in my mind .. firstly, I was correct, and that always makes for an interesting evening since it happens so rarely.. and secondly, I'm kind of embarrassed that I was right... I mean, it's one thing to be a Lee Marvin fan... but it's entirely something else to say that you enjoyed his musical talents...

.. having said that, I really, really wish that Hollywood would re-make "Hell in the Pacific" as a musical... perhaps with Bruce Willis and Jackie Chan...

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An Update...

... a few days back, I brought you rubberneckers a story about the Naked Zorro... a freak with a very strange modus operandi... it even got a mention over here... well, what do I find today?... well, I've got an update on the bizarre case... God Bless America, people... the entrepreneurial spirit is alive and well and living in Doylestown, PA... I swear.. you really, really can't make this crap up...

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Whoa...

.. ouch.. you know, yesterday's little adventure was made possible because a beast was in MY domain... an aquatic reptile crawling across my driveway... this, on the other hand is a startling reversal... scarred for life, he'll be..

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Snapping Turtle...

... I type this breathlessly, people.... heart pounding.. I have just kidnapped a wild creature... he's in the garage under the pool table right now.... big, big, big... heavy as lead and uglier than Hell...

... I had just gotten up from reading Interview with Velociman and headed to the kitchen for coffee when I saw it.. lumbering with purpose across my driveway...

... for some reason, I immediately sprang into action... it rained hard last night, so I guess that is what triggered the beast to roam... either that, or he's looking for some snapping turtle love.. in any case, I plan on fucking with him for a while... getting some good action shots of him snappin' at a broom handle or something.... regardless, he'll be held prisoner until The Wife gets home and gets a gander... she's never seen one before... I'll let him be on his way after that.. me?... I used to catch them as a kiddie so it's no big deal.. I have to admit, though... he's a formidable varmint.. and it certainly got my adrenalin pumping when I grabbed him by the tail...

.. damn, what a morning... Velociman interviewed and an alligator snapper in the garage... perhaps I'll post later with a comparison and contrast...

UPDATE: After surfing a few turtle sites, I have new information... the turtle is a Chelydra serpentina serpentina... or a Northern Common Snapping Turtle... oh, and it's a she, too... it's shell is 14 inches long and 11 inches wide... oh, and she gets really pissed off when you try to measure her shell...

UPDATE #2: .. cruising the blogroll, I happened up on two wonderful posts on the glories of animal husbandry.. one by Rob... and one by Kelley... man, I am so ashamed for capturing Mrs. Chelydra... I'm off to take a few photos and set the dear free...

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Being taught ethics...

.. you know, I never really thought about it... but I have to admit... Kate's right... I was an abused child... although Tennessean instead of Canadian... we should probably form some kind of support group...

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Stumps...

... I called a crew in yesterday to bring down an old dead tree in the back yard... it was in such a position that if a nape like me attempted to fell it, it'd end up crashing into the kitchen and denting my martini shaker... hey, we don't want that to happen, now do we?... so, the professionals were summoned.... did a good job, too... sitting on my deck watching them torque and ratchet that dead behemoth was a treat... chainsaws are equally as effective as bugzappers in the entertainment department.. and we be easily amused in the late afternoons around here...

.. anyway, that's not really what I wanted to talk about... see, after they were finished, a second crew showed up... The Stump Removers... and they were badasses...

... I think I've found my calling, people... I mean, what is more offensive to laid-back humanity than a gnarly stump?... twisted and hardened and standing in the way... immovable... unrepentant... yes, indeed... and nothing can make a homeowner break a sweat like trying to dig up a stump... those boys?.. their machine made short work of it.. basically a giant grinder with a robotic arm... teeth like an angry Great White Shark.... in 15 minutes, they had worn that puppy down to a nub... nature would have taken 15 years to have laid it low... it was impressive..

... but here is the thing... I'll bet being a stump grinder by profession is incredibly satisfying.... no angst at the end of the day... no computers to reboot... no pencil-necked stuffed shirts to deal with.... no office... just you and your stump grinding machine standing in a forest... of course, you'd have the occasional horsefly to shoo off... and some days it'd be hot outside, but other than that, being a stump grinder would positively rock... Hell, sign me up... I mean, just imagine... after a day of standing behind a Plexiglas shield and enforcing your will upon God's creations, you just traipse back home and kick back with an ice cold Pabst..

... talk about job satisfaction... sipping on your beer, you'd be content in the knowledge that when you went to work there was a tough-as-nails stump.. and when you finished, Mr. Badass Stump was a pile of inoffensive lawn mulch...

... I do believe that I could handle that...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(7) | Psycho Rants
» Bad Example links with: BATTLE OF WILLS
» One For The Road links with: The Evil of Stumps

Slice of Life...

.. via Climacus of New Counterculture, I found this guy.. good, good stuff...

... and he's right, you know... you never really know who you're fucking with in a bar....

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Guestblogging...

... Jack of Random Fate asked me and a few others to keep house for him this week.. so, if I'm not posting here, cruise on over.. I'll probably be making noise over there...

... anyway, I was told something last night that rocked my world... Hell, I still can't believe it... but I just posted about it here.... check it out, people... Time... it changes us all...

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Bawdy...

.... strange things are afoot here... I woke up from a feverish dream of bears running amok in my back yard... and after a few cups of coffee, an earworm from my past struck with a vengeance.. one of Shakespeare's Bawdy Ballads... why'd it come to mind?... I have no idea... perhaps a few posts of late brought it subliminally to the surface?.. probably... then again, mentions of the Globe Theatre or naked villainy could be the cause... either way, it's a catchy tune... and proof positive of the REAL reason the Puritans fled to America... all that talk of hammers, forges, and fire... lusty, indeed...

... anyway, I couldn't find the exact version that is running around in my noggin... but I did find a copy here... and in a pinch, it'll do... feel free to sing along.. the words below are the ones bouncing around in my head... not the ruff ruff ruff stuff in the example...

... behold, rubberneckers... The Lusty Young Smith...

A lusty young smith at his vice stood a-filing.
His hammer lay by but his forge still a-glowed.
When to him a buxom young damsel came smiling,
And asked if to work, in her forge, he would go.

Chorus:
With a jingle bang jingle bang jingle bang jingle.
With a jingle bang jingle bang jingle high ho.

I will, said the smith, and they went off together,
Unto the young damsel's forge they did go.
They stripped to go to it, 'twas hot work and hot weather.
She kindled the fire and she soon made him glow.

Chorus

Her husband, she said, no good work could afford her.
His strength and his tools were worn out long ago.
The smith said, Well, mine are in very good order,
And I am now ready my skill for to show.

Chorus

Red hot grew his iron, as both did desire,
And he was too wise not to strike while 'twas so.
She said, What I get I get out of the fire,
So prithee, strike home and redouble the blow.

Chorus

Six times did his iron, by vigorous heating,
Grow soft in her forge in a minute or so,
And ere it were hard and yet heating and beating,
But the more it were soft, it did harden more slow.

Chorus

The smith then would go, left the maid full of sorrow.
Oh, what would I give could my husband do so.
Good lad with your hammer come hither tomorrow,
And pray won't you use it once more ere you go!

Chorus

... there is no torture greater than being stuck with earworm that is played on lutes... trust me..

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A Misspent Day..

... I spent most of the day stepping and fetching... doing my good deeds for my fellow man... out of character?.. sure.. but, hey... I was provided with a chance to eat a kickass lunch out on the town AND I was saved from lawnslave duty... not bad in my book, people...

... anyway, after a quick stop at McDonalds for coffee, I dropped off the paperwork for my Uncle's DD-214, ARCOM with V device, Purple Hearts, and Bronze Stars at the Veteran's Affairs office.. after 40 years, maybe we can get the ball rolling for him now...

... after that, I took my Cousin's shotgun over to my gunsmith's house in Tellico... what a ride... Highway 39 is one twisty piece of asphalt... taming her in the afternoon sunshine with the sunroof open was a true cherry moment.. I swear, the people who built that road must have been following a copperhead.. once I arrived, The Master had the work finished in about half an hour... the once proud "Turkey Gun" was now a badass personal defense 12ga... 18 and 1/4 inches.. nice... scary, but nice... I suppose that is the point of chopping down a pump 12ga...

... I'll deliver it back to him tomorrow.. but tonight has already begun... my World Famous spaghetti (cooked on four continents) is percolating away on the stove.. each fragile bubble bursting with the promise of seriously good eatin'.. the Bowmore is being laid on as I type this, and I'm content... later tonight, I will fall asleep on the couch watching Young Frankenstein... at least that's my plan... personally, I think it is a good one.. after all, all that driving in the fresh air just wore me out....

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On writing speeches..

... so, Mr. Durbin has apologized about his idiotic remarks.... well, hey... that's good... I feel so much better now... the damage is already done, though, Dick.... but here is the real rub... the Democrats are in a real pickle right now when it comes to speech writing.. how far should they go?... how venomous should their rhetoric be?... see, they have a lunatic fringe out there that actually BELIEVES what Senator Durbin said... that we're all acting like Nazis throwing Pol Pot in a gulag or something... and as such, the Democrats feel like they need to push the envelope a bit... cater to those crazies... get things stirred up a bit.. throw in a few Hitlers and Stalins.... you know, just for dramatic effect...

... and what happens when they do?... they suddenly realize that they had let themselves get blinded by the fervor of mindless propagandists... while the rest of America - moderate Democrats and Republicans alike - stands by slackjawwed in horror at the insanity of their words... and after they've spouted, the politicians mill around all doe-eyed and innocent.. "what?... what did I say?... I was only repeating what hundreds of university students (whose votes I dearly want) were saying in that Starbucks in Chicago"...

... the truth is, people like Durbin are using language and hate-speech to try to garner support... which is nothing new, really... the problem is, they think that the more outrageous their claims, the greater the number of mindless masses will rush to their camp... the really scary thing is that sometimes it works... but this time it backfired... I'd say that lots and lots of Democrat Moms and Dads didn't take too well to hearing that their sons and daughters - far away in combat - were really worse than the Nazis... I know it sure pissed me off..

... the worst job in the United States?.. being a Democratic speechwriter... how do you coddle the crazies and appeal to the masses at the same time?.... damn near impossible... you think Durbin's speech was out of line?... just wait.. they'll be many, many more of the same ilk coming this way as the speechwriters try to find a recipe that actually works..

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A killer blade...

.. just to piss off Yabu, I thought I would mention a distinct pleasure that I had the other day.... I held a genuine wakizashi in my hot little hands... Koto period.... made by Kiyo Mitsu in 1532.. a genuine Samurai battle-blade... it was sweet... and ole buddy, I thought of you... Hell, I even waved it around my head a few times like N. B. Forrest and gave a rebel yell... I'm sure that I triggered an earthquake somewhere in Japan...

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Two in One....

.... it seems that I have been lax in my bloggin duties... two fine women asked me to participate in two very interesting memes... both of which ask some damn good questions.... Beth invited me to tell her about "Five things society at large enjoys, but that I, for the most part, just don't get..." ... that's easier said than done... narrowing it to only five, that is... but that's not all... Ala wanted to know "Five things I miss about my childhood"... again, a great idea for a post... however, I've dropped the ball.... hey, I could make excuses, but I'll not.... in any case, let it be known to all and sundry... I may be slow, but I am sure... that said, ladies, here you are....

... first up, the societal stuff...
1. Reality television shows... seriously... watching morons grabble and weasel for a wad of cash sickens me... not to mention that it just goes to show how morally corrupt we've all become... and don't even get me started on fear factor... we are a nation of rubberneckers who want the quick fix.. instant gratification... and money we didn't earn... now, don't get me wrong... I'm as morally corrupt as the next guy, but reality shows just push it all too far.. ban them, I say... either that, or make it a life or death deal... "sorry, Bambi.. you were voted off the island.. .45 or 12ga?.. ahh, good choice.. BAM!.. now, tune in next week, rubberneckers... and be sure to call your vote in..."... now I wouldn't mind seeing that show... and it wouldn't rankle me as much that the last one standing at the end of the program gets a million bucks...

2. Nascar, fishing for Bass on television shows, and the Dukes of Hazzard.... hate'em all... and don't give that crap about Daisy Duke being hot.. she wasn't...

3. Jay Leno, Bill Mahr, and Larry King... honestly, these guys have appeal?... I'd rather watch broccoli decay in my fridge than hear those three blow hot air....

4. Home Improvement shows... good God.. there must be hundreds of them.. Changing Rooms... House Invaders... personally, I hold the entire British population responsible for this... they started all those shows, and then American programmers bought their ideas.. someone should be punished for that.. harshly..

5. Doonesbury... I hate the way that guy draws noses... I just don't get it...


... now to the childhood stuff... hmmm... this one will be harder, I think.... what do I miss about being a kid?...

1. Getting excited when I heard the music of the Ice Cream Van off in the distance.. I really miss that feeling... he never turned down our road, though... but my brother and I sure got excited when we heard that music... actually, I think that taught me a valuable life lesson... either hope springs eternal... or that ice cream is waaaay overrated...

2. Baseball... I really miss playing baseball.... I played catcher and loved every minute of it.... nowadays, I walk out to the car to jet downtown for lunch and the heat hits me like a brick wall... how in the Hell did I cope with the heat when I was a young snapper?.. must be global warming kicking in... no way was it this hot when I was twelve...

3. Home cooked meals... I'm talking about Southern food.. fried okra, pickled beets, pinto beans, diced onion, and cornbread... I still get it on occasion at the off-hand family do... but for the most part, cornbread is banned at my house.. I still manage to sneak some in from time to time, but hey... I've banned marmite, so we're even...

4. Playing with my cousins... back when I was a babe, we'd get together every weekend... we were one tight crew... now, I have a few that come over on Wednesday nights... but other than that, I hardly see any of them... I think we're all the poorer because of growing up and losing touch...

5. Getting excited about Christmas... waking up on that morning and running through to shake boxes of goodies... I really miss that... these days, there are smiles and nods... but no genuine WHOO HOOO! It's CHRISTMAS!... I miss that a lot...

... there.. sorry it took so long, ladies.... as I said before... I'm slow, but I'm sure...

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Update...

... Dean and Deluca's summer catalogue has just arrived... you've got to be kidding me.. 1 quart of "smoked scallop and lobster bisque" rolls in at 30 bucks... and that's not counting the shipping charges... or 8 "lobster rolls" for $90?.. that's robbery...

... anyway, in other news, I just heard that the World is celebrating 100 years since the birth of Jean Paul Satre... so, there...

... expensive lobster rolls and Jean Paul Satre... whoa... I'm going out back to chew some tobacco and clean my shotgun... my grounding rod needs to be driven a little deeper... this whole rudderless child thing is freaking me out just a wee bit...

oh, and heh... I found it... play amongst yourselves, children... I'll be back later...

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.. on thongs...

.. I cannot fully express how much "The Full Monty" truly moves me.... and, no... it's not because the lads get their kit off... perverts... it's because I understand how those Sheffield steelworkers are wired... self-respect... dignity... or a lack of it... that's what it's all about... still, it all comes down to which way you look at it.. are you willing to do what it takes?...

... now, don't get me wrong... but I do feel that certain liberties are taking form... all I need now is a good 70's soundtrack, and I'll be set... Dave and I? ...we be soul brothers....

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American breasts for Americans...

... Princess Cat is about to hit the 2K-milestone.. she's wondering what to give the lucky 2,000th visitor... Skippy is already asking for topless photos, people... and if she caves in, he'll be clicking like a wildman... so get over there and give her some ideas... otherwise, the wily Canadian will get to see even MORE American breasts.. sorry, Skippy, but that would just be wrong... by the way, that is one fine rack on your titlebar, bro.. Canadian?...

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Solstice....

... today is the longest day of the year... the Summer Solstice... and it spells trouble.... the lash is ready, as is the carrot... today is Army Mule day and I'm it... mountain stone, gravel, and top soil join a plethora of torturous instruments arranged in the garage... spade, mattock, and hoe... in a word?... woe...

... funny, really... my ancestors would be spending this day dancing paganistically around Stonehenge... swilling mead probably, too.. stoned in their religion, children... and dizzying themselves in the vastness of the Great Unknown.. me?... bound by today's understanding of science and astronomy, I fall miserably into this World of Knowledge we live in.. drowned... the result?.. just another day of gardening toil for an unemployed househusband in rural McMinn County...

... damnit...I was born 3,000 years too late...

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Lunch...

... sitting at the kitchen table with the light of a candle flickering.. the thunderstorm that took our power echoing past... the windows opened to allow the angry wind to swirl in... angry noises of water and thunder reverberating through the house... hot lapsang souchong and two grilled cheese sandwiches... one Swiss and the other cheddar.. my Monday afternoon in the rain... not too bad, really...

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Humbled..

... by beholding pure genius whilst reading on my back porch...

The Kangaroo by Ogden Nash - 1942

O Kangaroo, O Kangaroo,
Be grateful that you're in a zoo,
And not transmuted by boomerang
To zesty tangy Kangaroo meringue.

.. I am not worthy...

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Mace....

.. today's quote of the day comes from near Philly... where there shockingly appears to be a shortage of mace....

"Along the first building here, she sees a male that had no clothes on, but he had a (Zorro) mask on. She then goes up toward the next building and now this guy comes running out of the bushes within 5 or 10 feet of her and says in a calm voice, 'I'm Zorro.'

... if that had been MY wife, she'd have looked him in the eye and said, "Oh, really?.. I'm Mrs. SWG... and here is Mr. Pepper Spray..".. then, she'd probably dial 911 while he writhed in pain... she's kind like that, you know... even I have learned not to pull the Zorro gag..

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(8) | Psycho Rants
» Parkway Rest Stop links with: A Village Story.

Webcam?...

.. I was nearly to the local Mexican restaurant yesterday when the phone went... after taking the call, I picked up my nachos and headed back to the ranch... the afternoon quickly became an impromptu poolfest.. it was classic... you have to be flexible, children.. always remember that... never pass up an opportunity to hang in the garage, shoot some pool, and have some fun...

.. one interesting proposal was made though... and I'm not 100% sure that it's a good idea... so I figured I'd run it by y'all... in short, does anyone have thoughts on setting up a webcam for the Wednesday night pool matches?... fly-on-the-wall kinda thing?... I'm not sure... it'd be easy enough to set up, but I just don't know.. it was NOT my idea... Cousin Brad and Brad-lite were the brainchildren who hatched this plan... I wonder if we could tie the webcam in with some online gambling racket.. allow you rubberneckers to wager on Wednesday night outcomes... now THAT would be fun.. plus, I'd probably get a cut of the takings..

... anyway, enough of that.. I'm off to eat burgers and shoot pistols... my gunsmith friend is having a shooting competition/cook out at his house this afternoon... and nothing says "Father's Day" like the smell of charred beef and cordite... well, at least around here it doesn't..

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On Service...

... Matty - of Blackfive fame, has just watched the odometer on his blog click past the 2 year mark... I've watched his blog grow and morph from a collection of military stories... into a information outlet and rallying point for troops (and families) trying to get the real skinny on what's happening overseas... it's been quite a ride...

... having said that, though.. I have had the pleasure of drinking with meeting Blackfive in person... heh heh... and as evidenced by the photo below, he and I really enjoyed ourselves... I would, however, like to point out that the tab was for 15 drinks... and as there were two of us drinking.. and 15 is not traditionally divisible by 2... the logical conclusion is that I out-drank the poor paratrooper... hey, what?... everyone needs a claim-to-fame...

the_tab.jpg

... so kudos, friend... congratulations on two years in the saddle.. may Blackfive ride on for years to come...

... oh, and the next time you want to hit Le Colonial and drain their Scotch closet, just give me a yell...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(4) | Military Stuff
» BLACKFIVE links with: Bad Example Turns Two

The Ocean...

... I remember once swimming in a riptide... I was twelve years old and it scared the Hell out of me... I had been invited to join a friend of mine on vacation.. his family was set to enjoy their time at a condo in Panama City, and he had asked me to come along.. it was the first time I had ever seen the Ocean... two years later, my own family would take my brother and I to visit Charleston, Savannah, and Parris Island... it was my Mother's idea to show me at 14 what I would be getting myself into at 17... heh.. it failed miserably... her dissuasion flopped... but I did get to see the Ocean again... the same silty saltwater as before...

.. a few years later, my life had taken me to many new places... in boats, ships, and airplanes... the Pacific and Bering.. the Atlantic and North Sea... blue waters, cold and deep... but I always thought of the real Ocean as brown and full of foam... Myrtle Beach.. Destin... Pensacola... and a million other places...

.. I've never been a sailor.. and I have to admit, the open waters of the deep Ocean scares the Hell out of me.. but I'll always remember what it was like that first time I saw it... brown and dirty and huge and incredible... from the point of view of a pubescent hillbilly - a child of the mountains - that first visit to the beach made an indelible impression...

... these days, we seem to let incredible things pass us by.. silently they slip from the wonderful to the mundane... I once did it with my mountains... the things that I saw around me every day.. I almost let the same thing happen again with the sea.... but now, sitting here.. a storm is coming through.. it's a sight to behold.. and it is marvelous..

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Quote of the Day...

... today's quote comes from a speech by General Contagion at a recent press conference...

... "The neighboring households that are worried about the effects of my biochemical warfare on the environment can gum nudge my left testicle."...

... indeed... and as a veteran of many such battles myself, I could not agree more...

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Touched...

... after an evening of cooking ribs that were slathered in a fine South Carolina mustard sauce, I finally got around to watching the newest version of "The Singing Detective" all the way through... in a word?.. wow... it moved me.... I absolutely loved it when Katie Holmes inadvertently gave Robert Downey Jr. a handjob... pure perfection... not only was it a sparkling moment in movie history.. but it spoke to me on so many levels...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(4) | Psycho Rants
» Boudicca's Voice links with: Batman and Trailers

Lightfoot...

... this sounds like a lot of fun... sometimes you just have to take a step back and realize your situation... as for me?... well, I'm off to grill some ribs and watch the Sun go down... it's been quite a day..

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Props to Helen...

... I read a lot of blogs... personal ones... creative ones.. political ones... and I have to say, Helen is one of my favorite bloggers... when I first started my own blog, she was one of my daily reads... I've watched her have highs and lows.. disasters and miracles.. once upon a time, I even dedicated a Springsteen song to her... I even took brief possession of her girl, Luuka... Helen is an inspiration in the truest sense of the term...

... happy second anniversary, sis... you're a gem... thanks for letting us all rubberneck for two years...

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Politics...

.. watching the news this morning, I witnessed Mr. Durbin's rabid frothing... I was immediately reminded of a quote from a recent email I received...

"America is at that awkward stage where it's too late to work within the system and too soon to shoot the bastards"

... I'm not really sure how it applies, but it just sounds right...

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Home...

... a few days ago, I found myself walking around the courthouse square in Athens.... near the rear entrance there is a wizened old Magnolia tree that is decked out with saucer-sized, ivory blossoms... deep green and almost leathery, the broad leaves created a calm shade against the bricks of the old building... it was beautiful to imagine just sitting for a moment under that tree... protected from the Sun by her shadow... but before I knew it, I had walked on by and was at the corner of the block...

.. I crossed the street towards the coffee house and turned again to admire the view...

.. later, as I was standing at the register waiting on my change, it hit me.. I've been all around the World, and I have to admit... even with the hurricanes, tornados, sweltering heat, humidity, and bugs galore, I love my South... better than any place I've ever been... I love my South... from the mountains to the swamps, there is no place more beautiful or evocative or so full of contradictions... from coastal Georgia to the dry plains of Texas...

... who hasn't visited Charleston and fallen in love with the Live Oaks dripping with Spanish moss?... or spent time in Tennessee when the Dogwoods are in bloom?.. Palmettos, Mountain Laurel or Willow... Tulip Poplar, Cottonwoods, or Elms.. native species of my native land... I may have traveled far and wide... but I'm Home now...

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Friends....

... yesterday, it was spiders... today it's snakes... welcome to the Jungle, people....

... the spider was a fully grown female Black Widow.... a body about the size of a grape.. black and shiny... she'd taken up residence in the left wheel of our plastic outdoor garbage can... I noticed her when I was preparing to tote the can down to the end of the driveway for pickup... I took a few photos, but it'll be weeks before they are developed... anyway, I shooed her off the can and into the grass... after all, the enemy of my enemy is my friend, right?... I'd join forces with the Prince of Darkness himself if it would rain destruction down on the local mosquito populace...

... I wasn't planning on blogging about that spider.. after all, it is no big deal.. we have loads of Black Widows around the house... but I just came in from watching the cat, Fred, get bested by a 5 foot long black snake... heh heh.... again, I let it be... those woods are where it lives... my lawn borders it's world... who am I to lop off it's noggin with a shovel just because it interloped?... nay.... even though it doesn't grub upon mosquitoes, I gave it a free pass anyway... why?... well, I guess I'm just in a charitable mood today.. oh, and I was on the deck... the shovel was all the way in the garage... priorities, people... priorities....

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(9) | SWG Stories
» Fistful of Fortnights links with: Screw Humanity.

Cub Scouts....

... lately I have become averse to joining things.. clubs and the like... I've provided a few of my relatives with documentation to join clubs, though... SAR, DAR... but I haven't taken the plunge yet... joining a "society" just seems suspect... I never know when I will be pooh-poohed for some insidious infraction that I never even knew I was committing....

... why so pessimistic?... here is an example... once upon a time, I was an assistant cub scout leader in Alaska... I assisted the "leader" in our activities... fishing, hiking, trips to the rifle range, teaching little cub scout classes.. you get the picture.. we'd planned a two-day camping trip for our 9 intrepid cubs, but the "leader" was called away for an emergency and I stepped up to the plate... me, 19 years old, took on the awesome responsibility of ensuring our nine 10 year olds camped, had fun, and arrived back to their parents safe and sound... the "leader" had the whole thing planned out... but when he handed me the permission slips, the map, and the activity guide, it all seemed boring... so I took the initiative...

... I did a good job... no, really... the kids loved it... instead of heading to the lake (at sea level) to camp, I took them to a ravine near the summit of Mt. Adagdak (2500 feet above sea level)... up there, we dug snow holes and stayed for two days... no tents... just sleeping bags and thermarests... it was a blast.. lots of stories were told.. lots of great grub was cooked... the boys had a whale of a time... the children of Sailors, they were...

... when I brought the kiddies back downtown to be retrieved by their parents, everything was groovy... the kids were absolutely beaming with pride over their accomplishments... two days later, the "leader" started getting phone calls from pissed off parents.. see, little Johnny and little Joey had begun to articulate the tales of their trip... digging into the snow with an entrenching tool... tunneling in, and carving out a seat... lighting a candle to help freeze the snow on the roof for better stability.... setting up a propane stove to cook on.. and then going over their cub scout manuals and practicing for their first aid badges... real survival stuff... well, the parents freaked.... how could I have "endangered" their little treasures on such a weekend get-away?... 10 year old kids evidently didn't need to know any survival skills... even though they were totally safe the whole time and had the experience of a lifetime, I was told by the "leader" that I could no longer take the children out on fieldtrips...

.. that's right... I was "fired"... I was fired from being assistant cub scout leader... why?.. because I taught 9 ten year old boys self-reliance?.. because I strayed from the game plan that the "leader" had jotted down?... why?... I still don't know... take it any way you want it, but I've been wary of joining clubs ever since...

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Jacko's waste of my time...

.. blow by blow via Fox News.. damn, people... what a waste of time...

4:20 EST - ... man, I bet that if ole Eric was late for his sentencing I wouldn't have a judge be nice to me... he'd put me so far back in the jail that they'd have to feed me with a slingshot...
4:22 EST - ... Black SUVs rock... those suckers look "BAD"..
4:23 EST - ... if he gets convicted, I bet he'll faint like a schoolgirl...
4:25 EST - ... wait... no one has seen him since last week?.. hmm.. what if he's not in the "caravan"?...
4:26 EST - .. what makes those freaks think that standing around in the mid-June sunshine holding a placard is going to swing the judge or jury?....
4:30 EST - ... uh oh... the cops are donning helmets and telling Mommies to remove their children from the area.... that doesn't sound good...
4:31 EST - ... you know.. even if he WASN'T diddling a 13 year old boy.. ANY 48 year old man who seeks out lil' boys to "non-sexually" sleep with needs to be put in an asylum...
4:35 EST - ... the rubberneckers are stampeding into the courtroom....
4:36 EST - ...Good Lord... why am I wasting my time doing this?... screw it, I'm popping a Shiner Bock....
4:38 EST ... Tom (Jacko's Lawyer) has some wavy hair, people.... white, too... I'm not 100% sure what I think about that...
4:40 EST ... Pajama Day?... this thing has been a damn circus since the beginning... once again, for a normal citizen like me?... feeding by slingshot if I pulled something like that...
4:42 EST - ... "Ad Nauseam"... that's one of those incredible words I wish I was smart enough to use in conversation more often... that Fox announcer is a genius... oh, and Apropos.. mea culpa... etc...
4:44 EST - ... oh, and caveat emptor as well.... that's another one...
4:45 EST - ... wow... they didn't have any black jurors...
4:46 EST - ...I bet he walks..
4:47 EST - ..the Shiner was awesome.... but I'm downshifting to Newcastle Brown...
4:47 EST - ...Ochenclaus (sp) is one kickass surname...
4:48 EST - whoop! whoop! battle stations! brace for impact, coppers! five minute warning!
4:46 EST - ... oops.. I just noticed that my watch is two minutes fast according to Fox News little digital clock... sorry..
4:47 EST - ...Shepherd keeps asking about what Jacko is going to LOOK like... sheesh... whatta metro...
4:48 EST - ...Joe Jackson creeps me right the Hell out....
4:49 EST - ...Jacko gives the fans the peace sign..
4:50 EST - ..Tom Mezaro is a former boxer?.. get outta town... he needs a haircut... ex-boxers don't have layers, feathers, bangs, and such....
4:51 EST - ...Even with that whole nipple clamp/piercing thing, Janet is still quite hot...
4:52 EST - ... anyone see that HUGE cop with the long sleeved shirt?... he needs to Jenny Craig it for a while...
4:54 EST - ... HA!.. Fox just showed a live clip of the digital clock on the wall of the courthouse... their clock is two minutes SLOW.. somehow, that makes me feel better....
4:56 EST - ... doors closed.. drum roll, please....
4:57 EST - ... by the way. I have NOT followed this case/trial/circus... well, except for today...
4:58 EST - ... a "Trust Jesus Repent" sign right beside a "Conspiracy to destroy Michael Jackson" one.. ahhhh... America the beautiful...
5:00 EST - ... DA Sneddon has an "axe to grind"... listen, children.. any DA with an axe is a bad, bad thing...
5:04 EST - .. jury seated... judge has entered..
5:06 EST - ... man, there are cops everywhere outside... three ranks deep... but here's a question... would a bunch of jacko-wacko's really have the nerve to start a riot?... somehow, I just can't see that happening...
5:08 EST - ... dude, they just busted on transistor radios... jeez... Fox has finally stepped over the line....
5:10 EST - ... Jesus... hurry up, people.. my beer is getting warm...
5:11 EST - ... heh... Greta says that there will definitely be at least one conviction...
5:12 EST - ... two jurors...no, wait... seven jurors are staring at the judge... that sounds bad... sounds like they don't want to share the gaze of a guilty man...
5:13 EST - .. whoa... child abduction... not guilty.. lewd acts... not guilty..
5:22 EST - .... holy shit... I can not believe I just wasted this much of my life blogging this.. all ten counts.. not guilty... I'm going out back to grill a steak..

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Context...

... I was just sitting on my deck reading... and wow... people, poetry is a funny, funny thing... many times, a writer places their words in form and stanza and verse, and they are interpreted differently by every reader... it's one of the greatest appeals of the written word, after all... this "allowing" of the imagination to run rampant... but sometimes a writer names a poem, and in the naming gives it further meaning... just like this little ditty by Geary Hobson...

My words are tied in one
with the great mountains,
with the great rocks,
with the great trees.
in one with my body
and my heart...
And you, day,
and you, night!
All of you see me
one with the world.

... there... what did you see?... nothing?... anything?.. now, check out the name of the poem..

..."BUFFALO POEM #1 (or) ON HEARING THAT A SMALL HERD OF BUFFALO HAS "BROKEN LOOSE" AND IS "RUNNING WILD" AT THE ALBUQUERQUE AIRPORT - SEPTEMBER 26, 1975 - roam on, brothers....

... not exactly what you were expecting, eh?... man, I love that..

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Caveman...

... have you people seen the latest Geico commercial?... the one with the offended Cavemen?.. heh heh... Caveman #1 orders the roasted duck with the mango salsa?.. it's classic... Caveman #2 pouts and glares at the camera...

... well, I swear.. pay attention the next time you see it come on... be sure to notice the morally superior expression Caveman #2 reflects.. even through the makeup, I knew exactly who the actor was... only one guy I know of has that shtick perfected...

... but, I have to say... I sure as Hell hope that John Malkovitch fired his agent.. I mean, even if Geico did save some money from their fake eyebrow budget, I can't really see how that Caveman gig would be a good career move.... I mean, c'mon... he went from copping a feel of Uma Thurman in Dangerous Liaisons to pouting Caveman?... I'd call that backpedaling...

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The Truth

.. Gut Rumbles, indeed... heh...

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Tough Love...

... yesterday morning, with my eyes half-closed, I stumbled into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee... I fumbled for the filters and accidentally withdrew two instead of one...being in dire need of caffeine, I took a shortcut... I didn't put it back in the box with the rest of the filters... instead, I just laid it on the shelf... the other, I placed into the machine and filled it with dark Colombian roast.... with one hand pouring water into the receptacle, the other hand placed the huge coffee can back on the shelf... when the water was in, I turned on the machine.... mission accomplished... mmm... coffee....

.. just now, my laziness and inattention to detail has borne fruit... half asleep, I opened the cupboard and saw the filter from yesterday... my fingers grasped the edge, and pulled... well, it seems I had sat the coffee can partially on aforementioned filter.. so when I tugged, the can leapt out of the cupboard, and smashed onto the floor... mighty bang, clang, and booms echoed through the house... as I bent to pick up the can, I heard a voice behind me... the woman I had left sleeping in my bed was now standing at the corner of the dining room with hands on hips...

... "well, is there coffee everywhere?", she inquired... locking me in a viselike gaze...

... "no, dear... the lid stayed on"...

... and with a grumbled "hmmpphh", she turned and disappeared back towards the bedroom....

... I wandered back to the blogroom and sat there for a few minutes going over the scenario... she must have thought I'd fallen over dead, or something... she'd wanted to come check on me.. how sweet...

... so, I decided a "thanks" was in order... now with a cup of coffee in my hand, I headed back to the bedroom... as I opened the door, she rolled over and looked at me..

... "thanks for coming to my rescue, babe... I appreciate you checking up on me.."...

... "hmmpphhhh"....

... "but let me ask you this... had there been coffee all over the floor, would you have kicked my ass, or helped me clean it up?"...

... drifting back to sleep, she barely spoke... "both, honey... both"...

.... heh... tough love...

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Pointing....

... heh... yesterday, just before the rain, a dump truck arrived here... filled to the brim with two tons of stone... providence?... maybe, but not initially... see, I had intended to build a path into the woods.. and a small patio area under the shade of the dogwood trees... now?.. perhaps I should use them to cover the areas designated for flowerbeds.... pave the planet, so to speak... and instead of having rooted plants, cover the stone gardens with potted ones....

... see?.... there is always a work-around...

... anyway, I'm off to Nashville today... but for some good reading, let me point you to a few posts by some great bloggers...

... two lovely ladies who know how to do a meme with flair...

... and five guys who tell five twisted stories.... Tobacco Joe, Dash, Beerbrains, GuyS, and Dystro the Greek... you've got some interesting minds at work there, Christina...

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Rain..

... well, there you go... days of manual labor for naught... buckets of perspiration shed in vain.. my praying to the Sun God to nurture the gentle seedlings has failed... their manicured bed has been tended to for days now with the most tender of care... and just as they were sprouting, they die... Mother Nature, the mighty bitch, has ruled supreme... she washed away the fruit of my toil in the Sun in the space of 5 minutes... mockingly laughed at my trundling under the oppressive heat... and with a torrential downpour that hearkened of Noah and his kids, she whisked it away... all of it... gone... damn it all to Hell... recalcitrant, that's what she is...

.. here's the rub... had I sat on my arse blogging instead of venturing outside to actually DO something, we'd have had the drought of the century... but, no... the minute I decide to be proactive, I feel the sting of primeval smackdown...

.. and so it goes.. I have a feeling that my pioneer ancestors - lacking air conditioning, running water, smokeless gunpowder, basic indoor hygiene.... and enduring heat, rain, snow, Indians, swindlers, Yankees, poor government, malaria, and lack of Scotch... were infinitely more well-adjusted than I... they'd have taken this in stride and planted again tomorrow... they were the people who endured... Me?.... I'm pissed... never have I been so close to having my lawn paved as I am at this very moment...

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Clue me in...

... I have been mesmerized by the interest in Kelley's meme... Acidman's too... unfortunately, I had trouble identifying very many of the characters listed... so give a poor, uneducated Hillbilly some guidance... not being as well-read as many of you people, what do I need to round me off... specifically, what ten works of Classic Literature are required reading... you know, the kind of thing that you MUST read before you die...

... hit me with your best shot, rubberneckers... besides... with all this free time, having some great books to read would surely thwart the lawn care demons...

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Quote of the Day...

.. normally I find an article or post that provides a great quote... but when I found this one, I could not choose anything specific... every single sentence is worthy of a "Quote of the Day"... heh... even if you don't like soccer....

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Master....

... the Wife is in the process of making lasagna, and the house is filled with the aroma of garlic, olive oil, and herbs... my favorite smells... as for me, I am whipped... two days of yard work in a row can drag a fellow down... judging by the amount of sweat I exuded, I'd safe to say I am half the man I was this morning.... what parts aren't sore are sun burnt beyond recognition.... ahh... it's all good, I suppose... you just have to roll with the punches... I mean, if I had a job, I'd be sitting here bitching about that instead... the bright side?... at least the work I did today was for my SELF.. heh.... anyway, I've just finished my second shower of the day, and I'm off to sit on the deck and drink gin as the sun sets.... sorry, people, but hey... somebody has to do it... besides, being master of all you survey is a full-time job in itself... every once in a while, you have to take a break to actually survey...

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Sharing...

.. all of the mailboxes in our neighborhood are the same... all part and parcel of the agreements we all signed when we bought the property... no big deal, really... standard, slightly decorative wooden post... extra large metal box on top... simple stuff... they all even have a little hollow just below where the metal mailbox sits.. designed for newspaper delivery, I suppose... but being that we do not subscribe to any daily rag, our little hollow has remained vacant for years... this spring brought a visitor, though... a bluebird decided it would make a nice condo for raisin' a family... sweet stuff... only occasionally do we reap the wrath of bluebird parents as we check the post... providing us with an occasional dive-bombing... but for the most part, they just hang out and do their thing... it's actually quite serene... hearing the cheeps and chirps of the next bluebird generation as you check your mail...

... Pamibe, on the other hand, isn't so loving of her mailbox visitors... and that's just mean....

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Perfect...

... the Wife has a birthday coming up, and I've been wondering what to get her... well, I think the search is over... thanks to Mr. Evil for the tip... since she has a degree, this bumper sticker would look perfect on the back of her Caddy... heh heh...

Knowlege is power
Power corrupts
Study hard
Be evil

... now, if I could only just get her to think like a Republican....

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Lazy...

... well, I survived... but just barely.... yeah, I know you guys were worried... uh huh, bite me.... anyway, I managed to finish the flowerbed... well, mostly... but hey, I've got plenty of time... I'll hit it again tomorrow for a few hours... why'd I not get it finished?... well, I got sidetracked and dug a fire pit for burning brush.. see?.. I follow my whimsy, people... y'all should know that by now....

.... I ended up working in the lawn from 11:30 to 4.. drenched in sweat, people.. drenched... my olive drab fatigues were soaked... as were my tee-shirt and socks.... either my back lawn resembles the surface of the Sun, or I just can't hang like I used to... way back, I could work in fields all day long and hardly break a sweat.. nowadays, liquid pours from my pores while I'm doing nothing more strenuous than having a tonic on the deck.. oh, that reminds me... while trying to get undressed for a shower this afternoon, I was having some trouble getting my sweat-soaked socks off... how's this for a metaphor?... "Susan clung to Mike like a pair of sweat-soaked socks"... pretty picture?... hey, have you ever tried to take off wet socks?.. it's a real bitch... anyway, I'll try not to include that metaphor in the Great American Novel if I ever decide to try to write one...

.. after my shower, I fell asleep on the couch listening to this album.. it's growing on me, children.. it really is... especially "Old '55", "I Hope that I don't Fall in Love with You", and "Old Shoes"... I swear, it sounds like Tom Waits reinvents himself with each album... so far, I have six CDs, and each one of them has a totally different sound, feel, and theme... wonderful stuff.. I highly recommend it...

.. anyway, I've got to go... the phone went about 10 minutes ago and woke me from the couch... damn... I had totally forgotten that today is Wednesday... the Social Club will be here any moment... I've got to prepare to defend myself...

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Slave Labor...

yesterday was hot and humid
today is hot and humid
yesterday I started building a flowerbed
at noon
I really, really hate gardening
especially when it is hot and humid
I have to finish it today
it's almost noon again
dammit

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Paul...

... last Wednesday, my cousin brought an old Randall Knife over... it was scratched and had a few teeth missing, but still in good shape... he handed it to me with reverence... the brass studs of the leather sheath were green with tarnish... he pointed to the tip and noted the slight chip from the poured stainless steel blade... "me and Paul broke that off opening a case of c-rations one time", he said as I reached out.... I took hold of the knife and looked at the details of it... probably worth about 1,500 bucks... after all, vintage Randalls are scarce.... they are classic pieces of cutlery... and genuine works of art.... but this one was different, though....it had a story...

... purchased by a loving Father for a young Marine, it traveled to Southeast Asia in 1966... it made the long trek back stateside in '67... and found itself at the siege of Khe Sanh in '68 strapped to the leg of a surrounded young man....

... late in the siege, my cousin's friend had been called out into the chaos of a mortar barrage.... three C-130s had just dumped their cargo via quickline and touch-n-go, and the young heavy equipment operator was given the word... mount your vehicle and, under fire, secure the ammo crates from the runway to the dump.. the Vietnamese mortarmen would always light up the landing zone when the slow movers started coming in with cargo...

... but this had been nothing new to the Corporal... he'd done it many times in the past... picking up the broken and scattered pallets and stacking then neatly in the ammo dump.. only to return to the runway for one more trip.. this time, however, one more trip was all that he had in him... just as he was leaving the dump, a mortar exploded nearby.. shrapnel punctured a lung and tossed him off of his forklift and against the sand-filled 55 gallon drums that ringed the dump..... and there he lay... no one knew he was wounded... and no one came for him until after the attack had lifted... by then, it was too late.. and there, he died....

... he had shared a bunker with my cousin, and they had become fast friends.. the kind that can only be made by enduring combat, I suppose...sharing meager meals, patrols, and guard duty, the men of the Engineers and the Shore Party were a tightly knit group.. as are all men who have bled and strove together...

... an hour or so later, my cousin went out to find his friend... he found him encircled by corpsmen who were cursing... fearless, they had always been, but in Paul's case, they arrived helpless...

... later that day, the call came to the bunker to secure Paul's equipment and personal gear for shipment back to the World... fearing that his friend's pride and joy would fall into the hands of a REMF, my cousin took Paul's Randall and put it on his hip... he swore he'd make sure it made it home and into the hands of the Father that had purchased it for a son...

... late in 1969, he took the weapon to the homestead of Paul's family and offered them the knife... it had been Paul's.. and he had died wearing it..... but the Father did something unexpected... he looked my cousin in the eyes and told him to keep it... he had been Paul's closest friend in combat... and the knife should forever remain in the hands of a Marine and Friend who knew Paul so well....

... last Wednesday, Paul's knife was handed to me... I was to arrange for restoration of the icon by my Gunsmith... a cleaning of the scabbard.. a grinding away of the harsh marks cast upon it by the abuse of combat... well today, the Randall arrived back gleaming.. and tomorrow, my cousin will be here to collect it... but right now, I can't stop looking at it and thinking about how that day in 1968 has worked its way into my life.... you know, that knife is not worth 1,500 bucks.... that knife is priceless... and I am honored to have been entrusted to care for it...

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Cole Porter

... I've been a fan of old music for as long as I can remember... stuff from the 30s and 40s... big band... swing... jazz.. the birth of blues... I really can't explain it... the music just seemed clean.. the voices more pure... once upon a time, our local radio station would play "Sunday Morning Memory Music"... and my family would tune in on our way to church... man, I loved it.. Tommy Dorsey... Glenn Miller.. Gershwin and Porter...

.. but you know, for some reason I had always imagined that Mr. Porter was a bit light on his feet.... not that there is anything wrong with that, mind you... to each their own, and all that.... but boy, he could write some great tunes... and you know, after doing some research, I think I was wrong.. Cole Porter was just misunderstood... he certainly knew how to light the proverbial fire... and back in the day, he could rock the house....

... what brought on this little flashback?.. well, I watched an old recording of dancers swaying to "Begin the Beguine" last night.... whew... talk about some seriously sexy stuff... those feathered babes had it going on... a whole chorus line very, very nearly naked... and in what?... 1939?... amazing...

... later on in the show, it got even better... a fur-clad minx cooed through the song... "MY Daddy LOVES Me".. oh, baby... she slid off that fox fur at the end of the number... whoa... her Daddy loves her alright, and you could see why.. and she certainly WAS NOT talking about her Pa.... Cole was a genius, children.... you could almost imagine the guys in the crowd leaning in towards their babes... snuggling a little closer.. and whispering "who's YOUR Daddy" into their squeeze's ear...

... great stuff.... but as for me?... I'll just stick to "Don't Fence Me In".... it's got less cleavage than most Porter numbers, but it just fits somehow..

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I'm So Proud...

... thanks to everyone who submitted quotes for the sidebar... sitting here, I am blushing with boyish pride.. and yet still can't get that Marty Feldman look off of my face... you people are truly some of the most offensive, vile, artistic, and witty rubberneckers around.. I bow before your dizzying intellects... humbled, as I am, by your praise and scorn...

... it truly is eye-opening that such a vast array of social rejects read this website... damn, people, I'm getting positively misty here.... much like the Father who's child has just won a farting contest, I am proud of each and every one of you... so, for what it's worth, pat yourselves on the back... give yourselves a tug... rub that special place of yours, or just generally do whatever it is that freaks like y'all do to celebrate... you've all earned it...

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Ogden again...

... brothers and sisters.... another gem has just been found by yours truly...

More About People... by Mr. Nash... 1931...

When people aren't asking questions
They're making suggestions
And when they're not doing one of those
They're either looking over your shoulder or stepping on your toes
An then as if it weren't enough to annoy you
They employ you.
Anybody at leisure
Incurs everbody's displeasure.
It seems to be very irking
To people at work to see other people not working,
So they tell you that work is wonderful medicine,
Just look at Firestone and Ford and Edison,
And they lecture you till they are out of breath or something
And then if you don't succumb they starve you to death or something.
All of which results in a nasty quirk:
That if you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.

... indeed...

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Attraction...

.... I was just over at Mark's blog... he has a great post up about the art of writing... it reminded me of something I wrote a few days ago but hesitated to post... but since reading Mark's latest post, I'll take the plunge.... here's what I wrote after completing "One Matchless Time - A Life of William Faulkner", by Jay Parini.... funny, isn't it?... how these blogs are changing us....

.. I was driving down to Ft. Loudon dam today with a strange conversation going on in my head... I found myself driving to the family get-together on total auto-pilot... actually, I've been having the same conversation for a while now... it's just that this is the first time I let myself get truly lost in it...

... have you ever read the words of a writer, and fallen in love?... not physical love.. or sexual lust... just a feeling that your mind craves their art?... your brain seems to be on tenterhooks just waiting to read their latest novel, this week's editorial column, or their off-hand blog posts and comments.. male or female... gay, straight, or lesbian... Black, Asian, or Whitey... you just hang on their every word... you can't get enough... I have... many, many times.... but isn't that a form of love?... or is it more like being a fan of a great band or musician?... their music speaks to you, and you want to get to know the person behind the art...

... so, what happens when you meet the real deal?... the artist in the flesh.. are you disappointed?... are you overcome with joy?... do you throw him your knickers and ask him to sign your breasts?... where does the human stop and the art begin?.. is there a line at all, or is it all in our imaginations?...

... ok, ok... here is a for instance.... Bill Faulkner was adored by millions, and hated by millions... if one of his fans showed up in Oxford, he'd likely tell them to get out of his garden or he'd shit in the backseat of their 55 Ford... he was loved for his writing... but in quite a few accounts, he was a real bastard... clever wit, artistic license, a bottle of bourbon, and an attitude... these things fueled the man... and they were also the things you found you didn't like when you met him in person... but damn, he could write....

.. in the end, we study Faulkner for his writing prowess... not his social skills... but, I suppose the question remains... would I still be a fan if he shit in the back of my car because I came looking for an autograph?... you bet your sweet ass I would... of course, I'd have broken his nose before I left.. but that is beside the point....

... now, listen.. I am not comparing myself to Faulkner in any shape or form... that was merely an analogy.... I am just a small-time blogger... and if any of you get a chance to meet me, more than likely you will find that I am really not what you expected... but hey, don't get me wrong.. it's not like I'd mind... I write what I write... I am who I am... and very, very rarely shall those two ever meet..

... after all, this is just a blog....

... perhaps Mark is right... these blogs are open doors... letters written for ourselves, but enjoyed by others... it certainly is an interesting development...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(6) | Psycho Rants
» .:.WitNit.:. links with: The Company We Keep

little people...

... we are only as small as we let ourselves be... surrounded by big government, big religion, and big business... it's hard to imagine that we, as individuals, can make a difference.. well, we can make a difference...

...Kathy shares her ideas on the mystery man in Tiananmen Square and his incredible bravery.... a great post... worth reading and worth remembering...

... and, proof.... proof that each of us has the ability to make a difference...

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Ice Cream Man...

... heh... after my nap this morning, I took some time out to play my latest CD purchase... it's killer.... especially this track.... so welcome to Summer, rubberneckers.... sing along, if you dare.... come and get your free ice cream....

Tom Waits - The Ice Cream Man... I do so love it..

Well I'm clickin' by your house about two forty-five
with sidewalk sundae strawberry surprise
I got a cherry popsicle right on time
A big stick, mamma, that will blow your mind

Cause I'm a ice cream man, I'm a one-man band, yeah
I'm a ice cream man, baby
Honey, I'll be good to you

If you missed me in the alley, baby, don't you fret
Come back around and don't forget
When you're tired and you're hungry and you want something cool
got something better than a swimming pool

Cause I'm a ice cream man, I'm a one-man band
I'm a ice cream man
Honey, I'll be good to you, yeah

Cause I'm a ice cream man, I'm a one-man band
I'm a ice cream man
Honey, I'll be good to you

You see me coming, you ain't got no change
Don't worry baby, it can be arranged
Show me you can smile, baby just for me
Fix you with a drumstick, I'll do it for free

Cause I'm a ice cream man, I'm a one-man band
I'm a ice cream man
Honey I'll be good to you
be good to you
I'll be good to you, yeah
I'll good to you, yeah
good to you, yeah
good to you, yeah
good to you, yeah
good to you, yeah
Good to you
I'll be good to you
Don't you know
I'll be good to you
good to you

.. enjoy...

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Tired...

.. I was awoken this morning at 1:30 by a breathless telephone call from my Mother... in the midst of the throes of a diabetic low, she needed help.... luckily she only lives about three miles away, so jerking on some clothes and zipping over there was no problem..... by the time I arrived, she was slightly better... I stayed in the living room smoking cigarettes until around 4 listening to her breathing in the other room... what a night....

.. in the mad, early morning dash I nearly smashed into a huge whitetail doe... standing in the middle of the road, I slammed on the brakes just in time... craziness... again, as I was quietly driving back home this morning, a flock of white ducks had encamped themselves along the yellow dividing line of my usual back road.. I stopped, and they waddled off....

... heading for some racktime around 8am, I happened to look out the bedroom window... two spike bucks were eating the Wife's honeysuckle blossoms from the vine that grows on the railing of our back porch...

... this, of course, has nothing to do with anything... but, hey... what a night....

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Oblivion...

... well, that's it... the race has been run.... the latest blog collaboration has been brought to a fantastic conclusion.. talking burros, well humped harlots, and pools of coagulated blood.... a fitting final chapter... and told in the voice that only Velociman can conjure... go now and read it...

... on a personal note, I would just like to say how honored I was to be a part of this exercise... each blogger brought their own bags of tricks & goodies to the table... it sure wasn't Louis L'Amour... but it was one wild ride....

.. many thanks to Dax, Moogie, WitNit, Kelley, Pammy, and Kim... you guys rocked.. and thank you, Christina, for asking me to participate... it was a real pleasure...

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taming a vine...

... today's scheduled fun shall involve sweat... I shall not despair, though... even hedonistics like me need to get worked up once in a while... the target of the proposed festivities?... a wild muscadine vine growing on the backside of Hell's half acre that is my back yard....

... the gentleman who mows my lawn found it a few days ago and suggested I cultivate it... little does he know of my mystical ability to kill green things with a mere glance... but wild things are hardy, after all... so I decided to take his advice... I mean, it's not like I paid good money for the plant... it is pre-existing... Nature's bounty... perhaps even the random planting of a higher being.... so even if my pinning it to a trellis causes it to give up the ghost, it's no biggie.... I can always claim that it offended me in some way and therefore I purposefully purged it from the garden.... a win/win situation....

... I have to admit, though... I hope the plucky bugger survives... part of me is already envisioning lazy evenings in my hammock... reaching up into the shady, luxurious leaves.. and picking wild fruit in between naps.. Hell, it would be positively Emersonian.. well, except I'd have Scotch....

... "Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist"... indeed...

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... an evening with HBO..

... composed on the couch yesterday whilst sipping Bushmills....

... Winona Ryder just does it for me... yeah, I know... and yeah, I feel dirty about it... but I can't help it... she just casts a spell on me.. especially in the role of Mina in Bram Stoker's Dracula... what a totally killer babe... sure, I know she has that whole kleptomaniac angle working in real-life, but still... there is just something about her sipping that Absinthe and getting funky with the Undead that makes her skin all that much more creamy.... those eyes that much more dreamy...

... Bloody Hell... as far as modern movie cheesecakes go, give me Mina and Rowena Morgan from Mr. Holland's Opus... yeah... either one.. or both... what a set of bookends those two would make.. those two movie babes do it for me every single time... now, don't get me wrong... Mr. Holland was a saint, and that is a fact... and Dracula?... well, I'll be the first to admit that he was no pillar of the community... after all, his moral turpitude is legendary... but he sure had great taste in eyecandy...

... see?... there is always an admirable trait to be found... always.. in everyone... you just have to look a little harder to discover it in some of us...

.. by the way... as I just wrote that last sentence, Winona just finished sucking blood out of Gary Oldman's nipple... see what I mean?... she's definitely a keeper..

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... the horror...

... as much as I hate to say it... Dax has a point... see, when we boil all this blogging crap down... this is what it is all about..

.. yea, verily.... thus endeth today's sermon, children... heh heh....

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Bagging at 60...

... good God... I just heard on the news that Rod Stewart has knocked up another supermodel... damn, people... I swear... wasn't he nailing Rachel Hunter for a while?... she pumped out a little spiky-haired kid and old Rod moved on?...

... on so very many levels, that just ain't kosher... Rod Stewart bagging supermodels left and right... and him looking like a well-suntanned bag of shit... wrong, wrong, wrong... there truly is no justice in this world...

... it reminds me of listening to Billy Connolly on stage one time... he described himself as a "not very handsome.. and kinda homely"... about that time, someone in the audience let out a loud, "awwww...".. and without missing a beat, ole Billy said... "hey, don't feel the least fucking bit sorry for me, pal... I'm fucking LOADED... so, fuck handsome... rich WINS...."...

... true words... Scots wisdom at its finest... how else can you explain Stewart's pull?... indeed, fuck handsome... rich wins.... being neither, though, I'll just content myself by cultivating my jealousy hatred of Rod Stewart... but poor Rachel?... the dear... I wonder if she needs consoling at the news of this latest pregnancy?...

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Quotes...

... all the cool kids seem to be doing it... so who am I to argue?... you got it, people... no one... live and let live, etc, that's what I always say.... still, you have to admit... those quotes that people have on their sidebars are the bomb... and you know what?... I want some....

... sure, I could do a few things to pry some feeble verbiage out of you tards, I suppose... but, Hell... that would be hard work... besides, y'all might not perform and I'd get all hurt, weepy, and pout for a while... you know, like I do.... then again, I could just make up a bunch of things and attribute them to random people... but before I do that, I'll give you guys a chance to play...

... anyway, I've already had a few submissions and I'm dicking around with the sidebar... so, if something looks more broken than usual, be sure to give me a shout out.... oh, and if you feel the need to have yourself so immortalized, give me your best shot...

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Sake...

... I almost bought a bottle of Sake yesterday in Knoxville... I came to the aisle, and long I stood... reading those wacky Japanese labels... much like Mr. Frost peering into the undergrowth, I suspect... divining which road to take and still be one traveler.... after all, I've never sampled the Sake.. it is an unknown quantity... part of me understands that booze is just booze... and a dead brain cell is a dead brain cell regardless of how it met it's reaper.... in the end, however, I chose not to choose the road less traveled by.. instead, I suppressed the urge for exotic booze.... (yeah, I know... a rare moment of discipline)... and I made my way to the ever-friendly Scotch section...

... the question remains, though... am I missing out on some great delicacy here?... should I boldly venture forth in search of a Sakebuzz?.... here, children, I am uneducated... so, steer me, gentle ones.... yes, you heard that right... I seek guidance... is my bar incomplete without some rice squeezings?... and if so, what brand would be a fitting representative?.. after all, we take our libations seriously around here...

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Spoonin' with Shatner...

... on this rainy morning here in Tennessee, I have an announcement... our society is truly on the decline... you see, once there existed things known as unmentionables... things that are better left unsaid... for, if loosed, they scar and maim... not physically, mind you, but emotionally...

... what do I speak of?... this, for instance... courtesy of Mr. Helpful....

.. as a nation of rubberneckers, I'd say it is perfectly safe to make a declaration.... today, we are officially circling the drain...

... ranch dressing, indeed...

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