We be Runnin'

... tired of the same old political bullshit?... vapid miscreants wallowing in your tax dollars?... never getting an audience with the people who pull the strings?... well, breathe easy, gentle rubberneckers... help is on the way..

... welcome to the dawning of a brave, new World... our Leader has proclaimed that our rallying cry shall be "Fuck You, and get out of my yard!"... hey, I am totally down with that... 100%..

... so, with all this said, I trust that we all can rely upon your votes, fellow countrymen... after all, you can trust us...

yours cordially,

The Secretary of Assorted Wherewithall & Bartender to the President

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(13) | Psycho Rants
» RedNeck Ramblings links with: Run With the Reprobate in 2008

A difference...

... I wore a black button-down shirt, and a pair of khakis today... normally, I wear a tee-shirt, a fleece, jeans, and boots... extreme low maintenance, that's me.... still, I like throwing on a suit from time to time just to break up the monotony..... the funny thing is, I got two compliments today... well, shit, people.. it's still just me...

...I've heard it said often the "the clothes make the man"... to a certain extent, this is true... for instance, you may be a total social reject, but throwing on a tux can turn the tide in your favor.... no one can screw up a tux.. it is damn near impossible... a tux is the perfect benchmark for turd polishing... the same goes for many of the armed services... drape the geekiest looking fucker imaginable in a set of Marine dress blues, and you've got it going on...

.. with women, it is different... jeans, a mini-skirt, or a wedding dress seem to all have the same effect... a beautiful woman is a sight to behold regardless of what she is wearing... their beauty just permeates their clothing.. and shines through.... they shine.. men just can't do that...

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Dream Job...

... I swear... sometimes, reading the news just depresses the Hell out of me...

"The life of a strip club DJ is not the endless party people might expect. It's not illicit hand jobs and once-an-hour spins of Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me." Despite the constant presence of women in various states of undress, it's not a very sexy gig. After a few hours on the job, the women all begin to look alike. Plus, there's too much work to do, between running the lights and keeping track of the order of dancers and making sure the computer is running properly and, oh yeah, playing a new song every three minutes or so. As for drinking and drugs? Well, you try making it through a 7 p.m.-to-4 a.m. shift while maintaining a buzz.

"You're here to make sales at the bar, pump up the crowd, play the right music and deal with about 50, 60 girls a night," says Lance Hicks, a DJ at The Fare Room at Cabaret Royale. "That's a job."

... thanks for bursting my bubble, guys... dammit... I'd always imagined that being a strip club DJ would be just about perfect.... looks like I need to find another dream job...

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Life...

... a few days ago, a friend of mine sent me a link to a website... the site is run by a young woman who has just recently become a soldier... a young woman who is also heartbroken... a young woman who also appears to be suicidal because of this heartbreak... at the time I visited, I left a comment... really, I have no idea what else to say, or do... except to tell her.. in my own forum.. that death is not the answer... read those comments, girl.. there is some sound wisdom in there...

... I can relate, in a small way, to some of the things she said.. I know what it is like to be far away from friends and family.. and even farther, it seems, from one's heart's desire... well, here's the kicker.... one's heart's desire is not always what is best for them... unrequited love is a painful thing... trust me, you are not alone in having been to this place... anyone who has ever loved, has been on the losing end at least once.... that's life...

... in a nutshell, babe, no man ever to walk this planet is worth busting yourself in the chops for... much less ending your life for... and that, young lady, is the truth...

.. oh, and another thing... you aren't ugly.. you wear glasses.. and you definitely look like a librarian..

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We are Not Worthy...

.. bow before The Man... Velociman...

... gaze upon his works, ye mighty, and despair...

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Brother Stevens...

... CNN reports on one of the luckiest Marines in Iraq.. having survived 9 IED attacks... hang in there, my Brother... thank you for your service...

"Ow!" the Marine standing next to Stevens shouts. The man grabs a wrist slapped numb by a stinging chunk of dirt from the cratering blast a quarter-mile-plus away.

"I told you not to be around me," Stevens says, going after the hunched-over Marine. "How many days we got left?"

.. hat tip to Grandma's House for the find...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(3) | Military Stuff
» not a shrinking violet links with: Where'd the Love Go?

Feeling it...

... I've never been much for riding motor bikes... but, this sure makes me want to start...

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National Geographic..

... I've just spent the better half of this rainy Saturday afternoon watching the National Geographic Channel... Great Bloody Hell...

.. so, I zip out to town for some Chinese carry-out for lunch... once home, I turn on the tube, and kick back on the couch to begin my feast... what do I see?... a dried up mudhole full of crocodiles and hippos... nasty, nasty stuff... a poor momma baboon had her babe ripped right from her nipple as she grubbed for a drink at the edge of that fetid pool.. the other baboons beat the crap out of the croc, but it was too late... then, a cute, baby gazelle was eaten alive by a thirst-crazed monkey... every single varmint that stuck it's neck close to the water was munched in a most grotesque and violent manner.. crocodiles spin, by the way... fuck me... quite a charming little scene... I know that nature is a real bitch, but this crap put me right off my chow mien, let me tell ya... the show did have a happy ending, though... every animal in that film died at the end... even the crocs... fucking charming...

... so, lunch being ruined, I mixed up a highball, and reclined once again... well, guess what came on next?.. some show called "greatest moments of National Geographic".... good God, people... if you have not seen this show, don't.. I was a nervous wreck by the time the "dangerous animals" segment came on... I nearly shit my pants when that lion looked up from that cape buffalo's guts and eyed the unarmed camera man... THAT was a look of pure bloodlust... trust me, I know.. I've seen it in humans, but never in the eyes of a LION at 10 feet... and then, that moron snake-handling guy, Brady Barr, grappled with a python... it knocked him and his helper over, and was about to break his scrawny neck... and, just in the nick of time, he wrestled it free from it's deathgrip-chokehold... I actually caught myself.. no shit... sitting in the living room... with my arms wrapped around my head... trying to help that bastard get that snake off of him... sympathy terror, I suppose...

... hey, I don't watch television very much... but, DAMN... I was expecting bouncing primitive boobies from an undiscovered tribe... not sitting for two hours with my flight or fight button being tweaked...

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Saturday attitude...

.. "close your mouth, and open up your heart, and baby, satisfy me"...

... satisfy me, Baby..

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(7) | Psycho Rants
» Bad Example links with: TAGGED BY THE MUSICAL MEME

Quote of the Day...

... you know it is a sad day when you read a line like this...

"Even the weasels in the basement are noticeably subdued as the moon casts shadows on their spit trough."

.. adios, Fred... may flights of herons angels see thee to thy watery rest...

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That Special Someone

... Valentine's Day is just around the corner, children... before you know it, we'll all be smothered under a deluge of pink and red things... hearts stamped onto everything from undergarments to kitchenware... be warned... it is coming..

... do not dismay, however... all is not lost... I have already completed my shopping, and have hoarded the loot... I am prepared.. so, what wonderous goodies did I purchase?... well, here you go...

.. if it is a sweet tooth that you wish to cure... I highly recommend this... I bought one pound of these babies..

choccie.jpg

... the one pictured is called the "irresistible"... heh... dark chocolate with strawberry sauce in the center... mmmm... they can be purchased right here..

... then again, maybe your girl has a nice rack... if so, you are a lucky, lucky man... this Valentine's Day, you might want to purchase something pleasing to the eye for her (and you)... something to accentuate those breasts... I know what you are thinking... Victoria's Secret... wrong, man... why be the same as everyone else?.. lingerie ain't where it's at... instead, why not get her one of these?..

boobies.jpg

.. I mean, just look at how my logo - sitting just in between those two beautiful breasts - forces the viewer to focus his.. uh.. attention...

... heh...

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Beaks and Feet...

... I've always enjoyed reading Helen's blog... she was one of the very first people on my blogroll... she's a trooper... a combination of fighting spirit, sexiness, attitude, and an incredibly appealing delicateness... Hell, I even took care of her little bear, Luuka once... and as such, I always imagined that she and I were buds... but now, I am saddened to report that one of her fantasies has gone too far... and it breaks my heart... the line has been crossed... I'm sorry, dear... but, it is simply not ok to eat the penguins...

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Doing my duty...

.. the lovely Christina has called me out... heh... she wants to know my musical taste... well, it's pretty damn varied.... but, this seems like a fun little meme, so I'll rise to the bait...

Random 10
...my blogroom is absolutely awash with CDs and cassettes... music is scattered everywhere... I am always listening to music while I blog... so, in no particular order, here are my random ten...

Tom Waits - "Small Change"
ZZ Top - "El Loco"
Cowboy Junkies - "The Trinity Session"
Robbie Williams - "Swing While You're Winning"
Warren Zevon - "Life'll Kill Ya"
Dean Martin - "The Collected Work"
Johnny Cash - "Complete Recordings"
Alanis Morisette - "Jagged Little Pill"
Stevie Ray Vaughan - "Texas Flood"
Neil Young - "Rust Never Sleeps"

1. What is the total amount of music files on your computer?

not that much, actually... loads of Zevon that I have posted to the site... most of the music I listen to just gets thrown into the blogroom stereo...

2. The last CD you bought is:

Tears for Fears - "Greatest Hits"... hey, shut up... it wasn't for ME...

3. What is the song you last listened to before this message?

SRV - "Lenny" ... I've had it on continuous play for about 20 minutes..

4. Five songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you.

... I am hugely sentimental about songs... it's funny how my mind works... I attach people, places, moods... all to certain songs... I could list 50 here, instead of just five... but, here goes..

Robbie Williams - "One For My Baby"
Tom Waits - "Bad Liver & a Broken Heart"
Little River Band - "Cool Change"
Cowboy Junkies - "To Live is to Fly"
Bonnie Raitt - "Louise"

5. Who are you gonna pass this stick to (five persons and why)?
.. I've seen this done on quite a lot of blogs... so, I'll just let it slide...

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I love nipples...

... human nature, gentle ones... it brings out the rubbernecker in all of us... take this, for instance... what would make a demure, 20-something babe go to such lengths?.... she WANTS us to rubberneck... well, I say, "more power to you, baby"...

... the flipside of this coin?... naked Chilean construction workers... being peeped at by hundreds of rubberneckers.. what did they do when they found out?... heh.. they dealt with the news like real men...

"One of the workers was quoted as saying: "We had no idea of what was going on but we had no complaints!"

.. that is the spirit, children... in our hearts, we are all voyeurs... not only do we love rubberneckin'.. but, we want others to do the same to us...

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Ok, ok... I took the test..

... I've seen this damn test in about a thousand places... so, I finally took it.. here are the results... you rubberneckers will be pleased to hear that, according to this test, only 4.8% of the people scored like me... that equates to less people like me running around on the loose.. you can all sleep soundly tonight in that knowledge... heh...

Wackiness: 92/100
Rationality: 76/100
Constructiveness: 54/100
Leadership: 44/100

You are a WRCF--Wacky Rational Constructive Follower. This makes you a Paul Begala.

You are unflappable and largely unconcerned with others' reactions to you. You were not particularly interested in the results of this test, and probably took it only as a result of someone else asking you to.

You have a biting wit and intense powers of observation. No detail is lost on you, and your friends know it--relying on you to have the facts when others express only opinions. You are even-tempered, friendly, and educated. Foolish strangers may mistake your mildness for weakness--they will be surprised.

You entire approach to life is enviable. You will raise good kids.

Of the 81429 people who have taken this quiz since tracking began (8/17/2004), 4.8 % are this type.

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(3) | Psycho Rants
» smokingtoaster.com links with: me
» Parkway Rest Stop links with: I Hope It's Wrong.
» uruloki's lair links with: Everyone's doing it, Pt III
» Key Issues links with: Not!
» A Single Southern Guy In America links with: Baby-kissing Handshaker

Thrill of the Hunt...

... what began as an innocent attempting to prepare a meal of "wild game" for his home-ec class may end in tears.... check it...

"However, according to Geauga Humane Officer Sarah Westman, the boy purchased a rabbit and guinea pig from a pet store, killed them at some point, and brought them into the class, where they were cooked and eaten."

... the lad had been scheduled to go a-hunting, you know... but, had been unlucky... so, he just dropped by the local pet store...

... this is an interesting dilemma... I hunt, and regularly take wild game home to the kitchen... still, shopping for meat at a pet store takes a bit of the thrill out of the hunt... part of me, however, says that a rabbit is still just a rabbit... the question remains, though... when is it (if ever) acceptable for a "pet" to be on the menu?.. after all, I once named a calf... petted it, fed it, and enjoyed it's company... but, I enjoyed the sirloins too....

... rabbits are good eatin', by the way.... not sure about guinea pig though...

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the Immortal Memory..

... during the past week, Burns Clubs the World o'er have been celebrating the birth of The Immortal Bard... sadly, I missed the festivities of the Montrose Burns Club this year... my friends, however, represented me there in spirit... it's always one helluva party, and one of the most sought after tickets in Angus...

... once upon a time, I wrote about attending my first Burns Night.... a night that ended with an Armistead-esque saber charge... ahhh... those were the days, children.... but this year, I am planning a much smaller celebration... I'll be partaking of some fine single malt... re-reading a few favored poems... and breaking out the guitar for some Rabbie Burns sing-along... in particular, this little ditty...

The Rigs O' Barley

It was upon a Lammas night,
When corn rigs are bonnie,
Beneath the moon's unclouded light,
I held away to Annie:
The time flew by wi' tentless heed
Till 'tween the late and early,
Wi' sma' persuasion, she agreed
To see me thro' the barley.
Corn rigs, an' barley rigs,
An' corn rigs are bonnie:
I'll ne'er forget that happy night,
Amang the rigs wi' Annie.

The sky was blue, the wind was still,
The moon was shining clearly:
I set her down, wi' right good will,
Amang the rigs o' barley:
I ken't her heart was a' my ain:
I lov'd her most sincerely;
I kiss'd her owre and owre again,
Amang the rigs o' barley.
Corn rigs an' barley rigs,
An' corn rigs are bonnie:
I'll ne'er forget that happy night,
Amang the rigs wi' Annie.

I lock'd her in my fond embrace;
Her heart was beating rarely:
My blessings on that happy place,
Amang the rigs o' barley!
But by the moon and stars so bright,
That shone that hour so clearly!
She aye shall bless that happy night,
Amang the rigs o' barley.
Corn rigs an' barley rigs,
An' corn rigs are bonnie:
I'll ne'er forget that happy night,
Amang the rigs wi' Annie.

I ha'e been blythe wi' comrades dear;
I ha'e been merry drinkin';
I ha'e been joyfu' gatherin' gear;
I ha'e been happy thinkin':
But a' the pleasures e'er I saw,
Tho' three times doubled fairly,
That happy night was worth then a',
Amang the rigs o' barley.
Corn rigs an' barley rigs,
An' corn rigs are bonnie:
I'll ne'er forget that happy night,
Amang the rigs wi' Annie.

... it sure brings back some fond, fond memories... Rabbie was a deft hand with the ladies, as well as the pen.... heh... among the rigs with Annie... oh yeah.. I can relate...

Update: The Maximum Leader is celebrating as well...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(5) | SWG Stories
» The Laughing Wolf links with: Happy Birthday Mr. Burns

Penis Envy...

.. as a long time enthusiast in the 7 deadly sins, their continual diversity never ceases to amaze me... each one can be taken to any number of mind-melting extremes... of what do I speak, rubberneckers?.... well, take Envy, for instance... as a sin, it is usually thought of as pretty innocuous... but, the Velociman has, once again, taken a sin to the next level...

... so, just remember... as you are sitting there in the conference room at the Georgia Writer's Workshop... sipping your iced tea, and listening to the lively blogger conversation.... always keep a close eye on Velociman.. anyone who is envious of a tapir's pecker is a wily character indeed...

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Sadie's casting...

... evidently, some folks see me as a straight white southern smartass.... what can I say?... guilty as charged, children... guilty as charged... although, the Matt McConaughey visage is a bit of a push... sorry to disappoint, Sadie dear, but I'm more of an Opie Taylor kinda guy...

... actually, I was once told that I looked like I had just stepped out of a Norman Rockwell painting... on that occasion, I think the perp was trying to jibe me... I, however, naturally assumed it was a compliment.... red hair, freckles, crew cut, blue jeans, and all... you know, for the most part, he was right....

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lil' boys, indeed....

... The Acidman says Audrey doesn't flip his switch... well, Brother Rob, I beg to differ... a petite, sexy, darkhaired girl with short hair, she may be... but, a small boy, she most certainly aint...

... sure, she's a bit scrawny... can't do a Cockney accent very well.. a bit of a bookworm type... but, she IS a brunette, wears glasses, and often moans with complete delight in the wee small hours at the Straight White House.. well, in my dreams, at least... what more could I ask for as a Freudian fucktoy?...

audrey.jpg

.. I mean, just look at that photo.. what man in his right mind would not want to bend her over the seat of that scooter, press her sweet face into that soft Italian leather... hike up that dress, and slip her silk knickers to the side...

.. damn... nevermind... uh... I'll be right back... I gotta go take care of something....

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(13) | Psycho Rants
» Velociworld links with: The Insolence

San Fran Gun Ban...

.. heh... this guy hits the nail on the head....

"Enough people have written me about the proposed San Francisco gun ban that I have to respond here:

Yes, I am aware of it. No, I don't think it matters - well, not to me, as I generally try to avoid cities that regularly smell like urine. Oddly, while I don't think it matters, it is quite important and must be defeated."

.. nicely said....

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Jealous? You BET...

... the alarm went off this morning at 7am with the full Hellish fury of a Hot Shot HS36.. jerking me away from my alcohol-fuzzed dream, and sitting me straight up in bed... dammit... I'd just slipped Audrey Hepburn's knickers off, and was ready to start some serious cuddling... alas... but, today is Sunday... January 23rd... have to call Duncan in Scotland...

... you see, dear Duncan is setting sail this afternoon... he, and two of his friends, are embarking on their latest adventure... a six-week tour of Australia.... bastard... arriving in Sydney, and making their way along the southern coast by rented car to Perth... six weeks.... fishing for trout.. grubbing for opals.. drinking with the locals... having a high ole time.... bastard....

... a few years ago, we all visited Bangladesh.... two years ago, he and his son toured the mysterious Kingdom of Bhutan... throw in hundreds of weekend get-aways to the French Riviera, Belgium, the Hebridean isles, and York... and, well, you've got yourself one jealous-as-Hell Son-in-Law...

.. ahhh... have a safe trip, Duncan... and enjoy yourself... you three stay out of trouble, now...

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"I am THE SHIT"...

... I have just spent the day driving to Nashville and back... 8 hours in a Lincoln LS with two of my favorite women... but still, 8 hours.. damn... the return trip, of course, was through a snow/ice storm over the Cumberland Plateau... yeah, just think white knuckles...

.. anyway.. I get home... check a few blogs... and then wander through for some TV... there, I find the Wife sitting on the couch muttering to herself... under her breath...

... "mumble, mumble... ABBA CD... "

... "what?", says I... "you talking about your car again?"..

.. "I have SO gotta find my ABBA CD.. it would be PERFECT"...

... "babe, if you play ABBA in the CTS-V, your tires will all go flat... ABBA was not meant to be played in that car"..

... "no WAY!... ABBA blasting at full volume would kick ASS in that car... oh, and when I get those fuzzy dice... damn, baby... I will be THE SHIT"..

.. the shit, indeed.... man, it sucks to be me sometimes.... if she buys a Barry Manilow CD, I'm slitting my wrists...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(9) | Drinking
» Fistful of Fortnights links with: Six Degrees Of Smut

An Education...

... you ever read one of those articles about something funky delicate, and think to yourself... "damn, that was entirely too much information"?... yeah, me neither... so, I'll leave you with a charming article on vaginas.... here's a small teaser just to get the juices flowing... or not...

"Sheela-Na-Gig is another vulva goddess. Sheela-Na-Gig is sort of the exact opposite of a Playboy centerfold. Her image truly frightens people. I had an earring of her and people did not like it, and commented on it all the time. Sheela-Na-Gigs are images of vulvas being pulled wide open, like portals, by women with crazy, intense grins on their faces. Sheela-Na-Gig images have been found in Europe carved into many churches and castles. It is not clear whether the goddesses were put there in defiance of the churches by pagan builders, or to offer sanctification of the churches. Most of the Sheela-Na-Gigs were removed by Puritans, but some still exist in Europe. After I became aware of Sheela-Na-Gig, I began to see her everywhere; in jewelry, on note cards, on rubber stamps, in statues, on prayer flags, on t-shirts and underwear. "The Metamorphosis of Baubo: Myths of Woman's Sexual Energy," by Winifred Milius Lubell, is the best book I have ever read linking women's vulvas to empowering mythology and history. She shows the devolution of women's genital imagery from powerful and sacred, such as in her examples of Baubo and Sheela-Na-Gig, to a new imagery of sharp-toothed monster vaginas that eat men, in the patriarchy."

... what?... hey, I didn't write it... I'm just pointing it out... after all, I want all of you rubberneckers to be as well-rounded as possible...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(9) | Psycho Rants
» Wasted Days, Wasted Nites links with: Vaginas in Mythology, Art, and History
» Fistful of Fortnights links with: Six Degrees Of Smut

Timing....

... over the past weeks, I have negotiated having every Friday off from work... I've cut myself back to four days per week.... and today was no exception... I got up early.. made some phone-calls... spoke to some dear friends... and headed out...

.... a small bomb had been dropped at Wednesday's usual poolfest, and I spent today assessing the damage... I have come to care deeply for those rambunctious ruffians, you know... but anyway, one of the regulars who haunts my mid-week evenings has just been diagnosed with cancer... he told me Wednesday night after everyone else had left.. he didn't want the others to know.... so, we played a few more frames... made a few toasts... and discussed the options....

... so, today, on my day off, I tooled on out to the gas station in town.. grabbed a dozen assorted Krispy Kreme donuts... two large coffees... and drove over to see him... most of my morning - and early afternoon - was spent eating raspberry filled donuts, drinking coffee, playing with Heidi, the German Shepherd pup, and talking about guns with my friend... I can't think of a better way to enjoy a Friday morning...

... when I arrived, he told me that he'd ordered a new Rock River collapsible stock for my AR-15... heh... it'll be in next week some time... I hadn't even seen it.. he just ordered it because he knew I'd like it... we ate some donuts, and drank some coffee... we stood around outside watching the dog play with a ball.... sometimes, children, you just don't need to say anything... you just need to be there....

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Kinky Friedman...

... and the Texas Jewboys provide us with some refreshing political views...

"Friedman said the main priorities in his campaign will be reforming the Texas education system, adding safeguards in the judicial process where Texas ranks as the nation's leader in capital punishment and establishing a peace corps for the state.

Plus, he wants "to fight the wussification of Texas."

"I am determined to get back to a time when the cowboys all sang and their horses were smart," Friedman said."

... heh heh... I'm not a political person, but I have to admit... I simply cannot WAIT to watch the debates for this one...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(8) | Psycho Rants
» Gut Rumbles links with: esoteric music

Musing...

... word, children... Matthew Arnold was one smooth cookie... behold...

Longing

Come to me in my dreams, and then
By day I shall be well again!
For then the night will more than pay
The hopeless longing of the day.

Come, as thou cam'st a thousand times,
A messenger from radiant climes,
And smile on thy new world, and be
As kind to others as to me!

Or, as thou never cam'st in sooth,
Come now, and let me dream it truth;
And part my hair, and kiss my brow,
And say: My love! why sufferest thou?

Come to me in my dreams, and then
By day I shall be well again!
For then the night will more than pay
The hopeless longing of the day

... I never tire of this poem... I never do...

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Hamasmobile...

... they guys over at Volkswagen have the right idea... small but tough, indeed...

... hat tip to The Paratrooper of Love, of course...

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Technology...

... when it rains, it pours.... Key's been stomping spybots... and ole Bitterman is fresh in from pimp-slapping some PHP demons... it's a scary, scary world out there, people... be careful...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(7) | Psycho Rants
» smokingtoaster.com links with: construction

Hi! I'm Eric!

... Flynny is busy pondering some very interesting questions.. a mind clouded in a cold medicine haze is a terrible thing to waste, children... well, let me attempt to assuage some of your fears, dear.. get this proverbial skeleton out of the closet.... yes... yes, Flynny... everything you can imagine is true... we are all axe-murdering sociopaths... well, all of the bloggers I have met, that is.... oh, and with the exception of the lovely female bloggers... they, of course, were complete visions of sweet angelic perfection.... chaste, holy, and with hearts free of sin... as for the guy-bloggers?.. fiends, cads, and jackals, all... it is the nature of things... relax..

... but still, us bloggers are always on out best behavior during full moons and blogmeets... so, have no fear, lass... you'll fit right in... besides, when everyone is armed, it tends to keep the crazies honest....

... the Wreckyll in Jekyll shindig is rapidly approaching... I wouldn't miss it for the world... I mean, how often do you get to meet so many serial killers interesting people in the same place?...

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Darth...

.. heh... the perfect gift for the guy who has everything... well, maybe...

... Darth Tater...

... hat tip to Loyal Rubbernecker Charlie..

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Spam in a can...

... the past few days, clear and cold skies have been the norm... as a result, Venus and Mars have both been clearly visible during my morning drive... at around 7am, Mars is low to the East... and Venus is high to the SSE... the two brightest things in the sky... you know, I still find it incredible to imagine that we have a little "rover" running around up there...

.. a few weeks ago, I downloaded the schedule for viewing the International Space Station... did you know that you can see it from Earth with the naked eye?... yep... you sure can... sometimes, you see it for only 4 or 5 seconds... other times, the arc across the sky lasts longer.... at first glance, it looks like a shooting star... a tiny glowing orb that streaks across the horizon... 17,500 miles per hour... spam in a can, children.... absolutely incredible...

... so, if you get bored tonight... go and check out when the ISS is going to pass by... get yourself a compass, and go see if you can find it as it spirals past.... it's a cheap way to spend an evening, to be sure... but it always makes me wonder just what we're going to do next..

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Relax...

... as I sat in my car this morning waiting for it to warm up, I noticed that the outside temperature was 15 degrees... I turned on the defroster, and stepped out to scrape the windows... in about 5 minutes, I was finished.. I slid back behind the wheel, and noticed that I was shaking slightly from the cold... it reminded me... I've had this same feeling before in movie theatres... air conditioned, dark spaces... drinking an ice cold Coke... totally absorbed in a movie... and the next thing you know, your body is shaking to generate heat.... it's all psychological... it's not like I was going to die from exposure in a movie theatre... and it's not like my body needed to be shaking after five minutes outside either.... sometimes, your mind plays tricks on you... just like this morning...

... as I sat there, I realized that I had let my subconscious take over... my body was shaking because I had "stiffened" myself against the cold.... as the frozen air started sinking in, my body had taken over.... so, I took a deep breath... lit a cigarette, and made myself relax... I didn't try to fight the cold... after all, the car will be warm in a minute.... so I just relaxed and let myself feel the cold begin to sink in... relishing the very feel of it.... in ten minutes, the car was a toasty 74 degrees... no harm done... and I'd had a great time...

... sitting here now, I am thinking that this simple approach applies to a lot of things in life... relaxing, and letting things wash over you... rolling with the proverbial punches... rather than standing shivering and trying to buck them.... and not just outside effects like heat and cold... but other things... like fear or love... when your instincts take over, relax... stop for a minute, and let your mind regain control... every experience offers a unique sensation... savor each one....

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(15) | SWG Stories
» BLACKFIVE links with: Around the Blogosphere

Deflated...

... every child knows what happens when you stick a pin into a balloon... right?...

"Taipei - A shy Taiwanese woman saw her D-cup bust shrink back to an A-cup after receiving an acupuncture treatment for pimples on her face, a doctor said on Tuesday."

... shy?... how about stupid?... what next?.. oh yeah, a headline like.... "Man in Flammable Suit hospitalized after hosting a Candle Burning Party"... word, people... balloons and sharp objects do not go well together...

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An explanation...

... yesterday, I made up a quick little poem/song in the style of something Tom Waits might do.. it was thrown together, but it was a lot of fun to play with... however, Christina let me know right quick that she just didn't get it... she liked the words, but the meter was off... well, fair enough... Hell, I never claimed to be a poet... just someone who enjoys language... but, since Christina is my only blogdaughter, I have to keep her happy...

.. in any case, she asked that I read it to her so she could hear how it was supposed to sound.... well, here you go...

... with many apologies to Tom Waits, writing drinking songs is a lot of fun...

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Unbelievable...

... seemingly, there are herds of young boys in South Africa wandering around masturbating when they see a sexy woman... in public, no less.... but wait.. they are realists, too.... here's what one of them had to say...

"There is no girl out there who wants a filthy glue-sniffing street kid so the only way to relieve our sexual appetite is to masturbate," he explained. "

... uh huh.... you poor, poor thing.... I wonder what the penalty for beating the shit out of a "filthy glue-sniffing street kid" is in South Africa?....

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(15) | Psycho Rants
» The Jawa Report links with: MLK Day Blogging and the Religion of Peas
» Fistful of Fortnights links with: You Mean This Isn't Normal?
» Meanderings links with: Catholic Girls Unite!

Purple Menace...

.. a couple of years ago, I decided to visit an old friend of mine in Anchorage... I had been in the Corps with him back in the day... but since getting out, he's become a very active member in the Alaska Machine Gun Association... he's also a loving Father...

.. anyway, as you do, we gathered up a truckload of machineguns, and headed to the range... I sidled up to the firing line with a Vector Uzi, and scanned downrange for the target.. I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw it... Barney targets.... his 9 year old son approached the firing line just as I turned my head to ask WTF... my buddy just grinned... I turned my head just quickly enough to see the 9 year old zip a .45ACP slug through Barney's torso at 20 feet... gleefully, the youngster looked over at me and giggled... "now, hit him with the UZI, Eric!!"... heh, kids....

... where am I going with all of this?... Hell, I don't know... but I think The Llama Butchers are barking up the right tree... train your kids early, rubberneckers... know your firearms... practice regularly... and never trust a purple T-Rex...

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Update...

... in the post below, I tagged it as the "Quote of the Day"... well, after further blog perusal, I realize that I was incorrect in my assumption... the REAL quote of the day is given to us by the indomitable Jennifer...

"An appeal is likely simply because Newdow is an annoying little fucker."

.. rock on, girl... hit'em where it hurts...

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Backhanded Praise..

... today's Quote of the Day comes from a tale of crime like no other I've read...

"As Manchester sits in Mecklenburg County Jail, police are contemplating what new charges to lodge against the man they describe as meticulous, intelligent, athletic and so polite that he was known to give captives a jacket before ushering them into a walk-in freezer.

"You hate to compliment the guy, because he's a dirtbag, but we can learn a lot from him," Scheimreif said. "

... you gotta admit.. even though he was a dirtbag.. he was a resourceful dirtbag...

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Ode to Tom...

... I am just back from a booze-run to Dixie Lee... we needed some supplies, you see... anyway, I listened to Mr. Waits sing "Tom Traubert's Blues (Four Sheets to the Wind in Copenhagen)" most of the way up to Lenoir City... man, that song kicks... it got me thinking about how he writes... here is an example of my quick attempt to write a song for Tom to perform.. just imagine his scratchy voice and beatnik rhythm singing this...

...the jukebox played and strangers swayed to tunes soaked with whiskey... dark-haired wiles and blue-eyed smiles take turns...in a place I shouldn't be.. so, light another smoke Old Bushmills' folk, and settle into the corner... cigarettes and whiskey and thoughts that you missed me.. we've been here before, baby... that singer's got range but I'm outta change and I'm ready to hit the floor.. another night out on the town when I'm down and the bartender continues to pour.. the music stops, they're calling the cops... time to get home to my Lady....

... what?... shut up... hey, this is my blog, and I am bored on a Saturday afternoon... I'll write crazy lyrics if I want to...

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depressed...

... I am in the same boat as Pixy....

... Damn, indeed...

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Crazy For You...

... I swear.. people exhaust themselves trying to find something to bitch about.. take this, for instance... what a load of shit... I want one..

crazybear.jpg

... but, as always, someone gets their straight-jackets knickers in a twist.. this time, it is the Mentally Ill folks.. gimme a break.. take your meds, people.. and grow a sense of humor..

Update: I just realized... Harvey is the perfect customer for one of these...

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400 Horses...

.... I need a drink.. a big one, children... what began as an innocent trip to Ruby Tuesday's for lunch.... has ended with a new car for the Straight White Wife sitting in the driveway... but oh, not just any car... a damn RACE car...

... go ahead, guess what kind it is.... you want some hints?... a four hundred horesepower engine... ahh.. Hell, enough with the hints.. it's a Cadillac... a V-Series... one of the fastest stock cars on the market.. anywhere... even the leather seats have suede down the center to keep your ass from sliding off when you reach mach two...

... I need a drink...

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Just a thought...

... heh... the story of my life... what are your pleasures?...

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the blogroll...

... a blogroll is a funny thing sometimes..... you tend to have people on it that you can relate to... this morning, as I sit here drinking coffee on my day off, I have found two wonderful examples...

... for instance, this early dawn finds Velociman speaking of his love of sport... Rugby, to be precise.. I, too, love Rugby.... playing it, watching it, drinking before-and-after the match... I love everything about the game... that is, except for the All Blacks... (never be a fan of the best, people... it's just plain demeaning)...

... after a few more clicks, we find that The Maximum Leader is singing the praises of being an omnivore... Hell, I, too, am an omnivore... don't get me wrong... a salad is good and fine... but no meal is complete without something on the menu that died screaming... nothing against Veggies, but if that is all you eat, you are living a life of deprivation..

.. see what I mean?... two bloggers... two posts... joined in the high art of attitude, creativity, and a love of life, rugby, and red meat... I can dig it, children..

.. oh, and while we are talking of the blogroll.. I have made some rather large changes as of late... many additions and deletions... so, if you fell off, drop me a line... if you are on there and wish to be taken off, drop me a line... if you feel that you deserve to be on there and are not, shout out....

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Tanglewood...

... I was having a few drinks with a friend the other day, and the subject of classical music came up... now, I'm far from an expert on the issue, but I know what I like... I've always been a fan of Vivaldi... cellos and violins... really great stuff... add to the fact that he was a fellow redhead... and spent his latter years giving private lessons music classes to young, nubile, convent-dwelling lasses... The Red Priest... what's not to like about the man?

... that being said, much classical music is over my head... a lot of what I enjoy about music is the poetry of the words... the lyrics.. they shape the mental image you get from the song... with classical stuff, you have to just lose yourself in the intricate melodies.. make up your own mental image to coincide with the player's instruments... sometimes, that is harder to do...

... I remember watching the Boston Symphony perform at Tanglewood a few years back... Seiji Ozawa was conducting... an old friend and I sat out under an ancient oak tree... we'd bought wine, fresh bread, ham and cheese in a little deli in Lenox earlier... what a great night... the symphony began playing, and people were still filing in.... couples, and small groups, each finding a tree to lean against.... or spreading a blanket in the field to lie on.... as the light started fading, a small band of groundskeepers began making their rounds... placing lit candelabras every so often... at every place people were congregating across the meadow, a cluster of candles was placed.... after half an hour, most of the sprawling acreage of Tanglewood was glowing... the music never stopped as all this went on... it was surreal... incredible...

... we ate our sandwiches, and drank our wine... resting against the comforting tree... we smoked, laughed, and got lost in the music.... I don't even remember what pieces the symphony played... or who the composer was... I just remember the scene, and the time... and the experience...

... damn... perhaps that is what classical music is all about... taking the beautiful vision that the composer saw, and creating your own version... I'll always remember that night listening to the Boston Symphony Orchestra under an oak tree... but I don't even remember what they were playing...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(6) | SWG Stories
» smokingtoaster.com links with: big band

The Club gathered...

... another meeting of the Eagle Glen Social Club has come and gone.... homemade lasagna, cheap beer, and the welcoming back of the Guy in the Witness Protection Program... he's recovered from all of his surgeries... and, it was good to see that he finally managed to drag his broken ass to a Wednesday Poolfest... it was a pleasure to have him back...

... oh, and just in case you were wondering, yes... yes, my rubberneckers... I held my own.. heh... I didn't totally dominate, but I didn't roll over and play dead either.... what?.... hey, a man's gotta find the middle-ground sometimes...

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Spirit...

... what kind of nerve would it really take to pull a Jeremiah Johnson?... Acidman mentioned it a few days ago... he hit some good points... just setting out on your own into the wilderness.. striking your current suburban camp, and cutting your own trail... yeah.... there is something appealing about that... solitude might scare some... not me...

... but, it need not necessarily be to the mountains, right?... why not just disappear off into the sunset and re-appear tending bar in Costa Rica?.. or New Orleans.. London, or even Madrid?... sever all ties, and start life afresh... reinvent yourself... solitude may be found in crowds as well...

... what brand of confidence, self-reliance, and adventure would one need to purchase so they are well equipped enough for that journey?...

... I am not talking about running away from your problems... or your responsibilities.. in those cases, each man must stand his ground.. what I AM talking about is the idea of reinvention... think about it.. what is it that defines you?... is it your occupation?... your friends?... your family?... the quaint and comfortable niche you have carved out for yourself?... could you change all of that, and begin again if you had to?....

... I think I could.. the World really is your oyster, you know... all you need is some Tabasco and salt crackers...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(11) | SWG Stories
» LoboWalk--Welcome to Blogville links with: Into The Sunset

You might be a Jawja Blogger if...

... heh... I gurantee that the IHOP in Athens, GA never knew what hit it... what a bunch, eh?... it was truly a pleasure.... and damn, guys... what a party...

... a few personal highs were witnessed there... some, as a gentleman, I can't mention... but, one that I can.... was when Sam told the young cashier... "DAMN!.. this is the smallest fucking IHOP I have EVER been in!"... .. heh.. and him no bigger than a large stack of waffles himself.. man, that was classic... that poor lass didn't know whether to stand slack-jaw'd, cuss, or run and get the bacon when you said that....

.. Sam, you are The Man...

... oh, and that's me on the far right of the photo... incidentally, that is where I usually am on most occasions... standing proudly in my Scottish Rugby Union fleece.... on the Far Right...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(9) | Psycho Rants
» The Brier Patch links with: My First Cut

Dammit...

... it looks like it is time to beat the proverbial drum slowly once again, gentle rubberneckers....

... light the candles... turn down the lights... pour yourself a drink, and sing with me.... take it away Dino....

... Anna... Kelley... Nee... and now Sadie....

... Ladies... y'all are killing me...

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Mood Music...

... driving home yesterday, I was buzzing... a hectic day of challenges was well met at every angle... it rocked... so, I threw in ZZ Top's Tres Hombres as I hit the high spots on the road home.... man, those guys are the best... a three man band like no other...

... I slid into the driveway just as Waitin' for the Bus became Jesus just left Chicago....

... what a ride, people... what a day... heh... and I just did the same thing a few minutes ago...

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on STDs...

... good morning, children.... I trust you all slept well... I did too, actually.... but, I have awoken to a breaking news story that shivers me timbers.... I, you see, have been given a STD while I slept... a STD!.... but hang on... don't go breaking out the penicillin just yet.. this is a Silvery Tongued Devil award, you see, and I am deeply honored...

... but, still... Bloody Hell... a STD?...

... anyway, it appears that I am in fine exalted company, too... Acidman, and Velociman are right up there with me... heh.. that Redneck, he gets around....

... the three sordid legs on the footstool of evil... ALL given STDs on the same night... classic... she musta been one helluva looker...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(2) | Psycho Rants
» Bad Example links with: OPINIONS, PLEASE

Wrong, but in a good way..

... Ladies and Gentlemen, I just got this from a blogger via email...

... while I laugh heartily, part of me is still quite deeply disturbed..

.. heh... c'est la vie...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(8) | Psycho Rants
» Nakedvillainy.com links with: Petting Zoo...
» Bad Example links with: WELL, *THAT'S* JUST WRONG...

Brothers...

... that one-legged guy?... sure, you know the one... ... and that ass-kickin' contest?... uh huh... me and him... we be soul brothers...

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Quote of the Day...

... behold, children... another miracle of science...

"LONDON (Reuters) - Scientists in Australia have developed a sperm-sorting machine which may help infertile men to become fathers."

... yep... a sperm-sorting machine... Hell, and I thought that automatic card shuffler I got for Christmas was da bomb...

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Mr. Marcus...

... I've slept in some exotic and strange places... but I do believe that Marcus has me beat...

... what's not to love about this little tale?... wild sex, threats of violence, patience, success, ninja skills, breakfast, and a good Momma....

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Hidden...

... another still morning... a light frost on the ground.. and fresh coffee is in the pot.... I so enjoy these Sundays..

.. last night, I cracked a bottle of champagne and made dinner... I fell asleep on the couch watching the 9/11 Commission's report...

... the misty fog outside my window now, veils the forest behind my house... obscuring my view of the mountain... and yet, I know the mountain.... and the trees are out there... in a few hours, the Sun will have burned the mist away, and I will see again.. I know what lies there, and it will be revealed... it is the very nature of things...

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Gifts...

... I am sure that each of you gentle rubberneckers are honoring this glorious day in your own particular idiom.... indeed, families across the world will be worshipping in a million different ways.... all I can say is that as I look upon the events planned globally for this day, I see that it is good... and I am proud to be a member of the human race.. what the Hell am I talking about?.... check it... today, children, is the birthday of the King.... Elvis....

.. a small, but heartfelt service is planned for the Straight White House.... here, we will be honoring the gastronomical gifts Elvis shared... fried bologna sandwiches... cheeseburgers... sweet & sour meatballs... and of course, peanut butter & banana sandwiches... a truly divine assault upon the tastebuds... behold...

Peanut Butter & Banana Sandwiches:

1/4 cup creamy peanut butter
10 slices buttered bread
2 bananas
Butter

Blend the peanut butter with the banana until creamy.
Spread the mixture over 5 slices of the bread.
Top with the remaining bread.
In a skillet melt enough butter to coat the bottom of the pan.
Place the sandwiches in the butter and grill them until
the bread is lightly toasted.
Flip to grill the other side.
Drain on paper towels.
Makes 5 sandwiches.

... mmmm... thank you, Elvis.. and Happy Birthday, Sir, where ever you are...

... so, no matter which way YOU choose to worship The Man today... just remember.. I am right there with you in the wonderful spirit of fellowship...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(6) | Psycho Rants
» annika's journal links with: The Comfort Lunch

BWHAHAHA...

... Good God... even ole Allah screws it up occasionally... 72 Virgins, indeed..

"Ms Mood said Mrs Raiyshi was greeted by some dark dressed men and then escorted into a room of mirrors and satin sheet covered beds.

"On arrival, she found a man lying in her bed, Richard Branson," Ms Mood said.

Ms Mood said Mr Branson then asked Mrs Raiyshi if she was ready for some Virgin tool. Mr Branson pulled back the sheets to show his penis was painted red with the branding of his company tattooed in white.

Mr Branson then had sexual intercourse with Mrs Raiyshi in various positions on all of the beds. "

... oh, and don't miss the Hamas Love Doll at the bottom of the page...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(4) | Psycho Rants
» Something... and Half of Something links with: With a name like Reem

Wednesday...

well I've lost my equilibrium
my car keys and my pride
the tattoo parlor's warm
and so I huddle there inside
the grinding of the buzz saw
whatchuwanthathingtosay?
just don't misspell her name, buddy
but she's the one that got away

Tom Waits, 1976

... enough said...

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Originality...

.... I was digging through my seabag in the closet yesterday, and I found a journal I once kept.... bound in a Manet-print cover....I sat and read through it for a while... strange stuff, children... the thoughts of an 18 year old... stranded on a inhospitable island.... away from home for the first time... longing for his sweetheart, and reading too much Byron.... heh... if I ever get famous, that sucker is getting ceremonially cremated... writing my biography after reading that would change everything 180 degrees.... it shines a light into some pretty interesting nooks....

... when I left Tennessee years ago, my high school sweetheart had bought it for me.... she'd written a nice prologue and a few entries... the idea being that she'd mail it to me... I'd keep it for a few weeks/months, and then mail it back to her where she'd do the same.... we kept that up for ages... almost two years... that little journal has some serious mileage on it.. but, I digress..

... what really struck me as I was re-reading last night.... back in the day, I used to be a total Emerson freak...in particular, his essay Self-Reliance... one page of my journal was covered with random hand-written quotes from it... quotes like this:

... "There is a time in every man's education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better, for worse, as his portion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till."...

... and...

... "Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string."...

.. and...

... "Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist."...

... "What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and in intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder, because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know it. It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude. "...

.. "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words, and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day. 'Ah, so you shall be sure to be misunderstood.' Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood. "...

... all of these quotes from the same essay... I simply loved it... I couldn't get enough... even now, I am re-reading the essay in it's entirety.... heh... I'd love to memorize Self-Reliance, and be able to recite it.. start to finish.... almost like a Robert Service poem... but with more venom, attitude, and chest-thumping...

... but still, the words are different now... things have changed ever-so-slightly.. I am older....sure, I am still impressed with the man's words... his sentiment... the pure cajones it took to have written something like Self-Reliance... but, it's incredible, really... especially when you realize what a Momma's Boy ole Ralphie was....

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Quote of the Day..

... heh... relish... you really gotta love a reporter with a sense of humor...

"A pair of Long Island hot dog vendors allegedly did their job with a little too much relish, selling sex along with hot sausage inside their tan camper."

... from the same article, and almost as good...

"We've never seen hot dogs mixed with prostitution before," said Deputy Inspector Rick Capece, commanding officer of Nassau County's narcotics/vice squads. "It's out there, the most unusual thing I've seen."

.. never seen hot dogs mixed with prostitution?.. you just have'nae lived, sonny...

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Compliments...

... usually, they are veiled... something inevitably lies behind them... a purpose... a goal... I want you to like me... I want to get you into the sack... I want you to sign this contract... I want you to pick up the tab tonight... I want.. I want.... compliments are the tools of salesmen and charlatans...

... but sometimes, a genuine, un-assuming person gives you a gift that you'll treasure forever.. something that rocks your world to the very foundation.... what were they hiding in their flattery?... what devious plan were they hatching?....

.. simple, children.... their message?.... ... I want you to feel good...

... bloggers have been known to have an ego... shit, some of us have egos that, were Godzilla suddenly in our presence, he'd flee in terror faster than a bitchslapped Hippie.. this is a given... this is true... but, when faced with a honest compliment, our wee brains short-circuit...

... my resolution for this year?... well, I didn't think I was going to make any.. as of today, however, I have changed my mind.... have no fear, people... it's nothing Earth-shattering... actually, it is quite simple...

... I resolve to see the good side of humanity every chance I get, and quit second guessing the motives for every individual....

... I will do this as best I can... for as long as I can.... it may not be long... but, at least I gave it a try...

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Mistletoe Sex?...

... my goodness... science, sex, and seed ejection....

"New research shows that the dwarf mistletoe, a member of the same Viscaceae family as the better-known Christmas varieties, is truly worthy of being hung with pride. The stubby variety might be a clumpy green parasite of conifers, but it turns out to have the world's only water-pump seed ejection system. One that can fire a seed up to a dazzling 20 meters (65 feet). So who are you calling a dwarf now?"

.. I am impressed...

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Further to the theme...

.. I've been sitting here thinking.. yeah, I know... a bad thing to do on a Sunday evening.. but, I think that this is a window to the soul, children... see, I've met a helluva lot of bloggers over the past year... and I've had drinks with most of them... Hell, on about half of the occasions, I was making the drinks for them...

... way back when I started this joint, Blackfive had a post up about people he'd like to have a drink with... I was honored enough to be on that short list.. alas, we haven't made that party happen yet.. but, I have a feeling it's coming...

... therefore, let me give you a few insights into the drinking habits of some bloggers (and spouses) that I've met... I've witnessed these gentle people consume these things with my very own eyes.... behold...

... dear Kelley.. Newcastle Brown Ale...
... wily Key Monroe... Bud Light...
... musical Mammamontezz... some kind of crazy blue stuff...
... intrepid Velocibride... a SWG-made Appletini..
... sweet Georgia.. the PBR Goddess...

... the Acidman... Kentucky bourbon right outta the bottle...
... barbin' Catfish.. ditto..
... Velociman... dry Martini...
... Jim o'Rest Stop.. anything and everything that was handed to him...
... Dax Montana... Georgia's finest Apple Brandy...
... Grouchy Old Cripple.. Vodka... neat...
... Geoffrey and Gordon... whoever's beer they could grab..
... Zonker... damn, Thunderboy... I can't recall what you were drinking...
... Evil White Guy.. cold beer & more cold beer...
... Single Southern Guy... Rum and Coke..
... Closet Extremist... Very Old Bartlett's Barton's... a man of taste...
... Big Stupid Tommy.... Sam Adams on tap...

.. now, if I let my imagination wander a bit... I can almost see it... yes... my crystal ball is broken, you see... but the image is becoming clear in my scotch glass... when I meet these bloggers, they'll be ordering... hmmm....

... Harvey... flaming jello shots...
... Matty O'Blackfive... 16 year old Lagavulin... neat...
... feisty Christina... spanish rioja...
... mindbending Queenie.. red wine & a STEAK...
... DramaQueen... a double Silk Panties...
... mirthful Sadie... a Cosmopolitain... with a twist, of course..
... Mia... a mimosa... with umbrella...
... my other Mia... a Shirley Temple... with a shot of vodka on the side..
... The Redneck... Glenmorangie and water... and liking it...
... Sandy from The Dirty Ashtray... six Miller Genuine Drafts...
... UptownGirl... a Cherry Martini...
... The Bitterman... a Corona... no lime..
... Teresa.. a shot of Jose Cuervo...
... The Wandering Hillbilly... 25 year old cask-strength Macallan...
... Divine Innerbitchin.... a Rhett Butler
... Jack... a double Aberlour...
... and Boudicca... she'll spoil herself.. with Champagne...

... dammit... my scotch glass just went dark... there shall be no more sooth tonight, children... besides, I need a refill....

... hey, no one ever said that my crystal ball scotch glass was perfect at predicting the future... I may never meet some of you guys... but, if I do... I'll bet my prediction was right....

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(33) | Drinking
» Mamamontezz's Mental Rumpus Room links with: Cocktails, anyone?
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Drinking..

.. courtesy of Rube... I give you a meme...

Five Historical People I'd Really Like to Go Drinking With

Edgar Allan Poe
Ernest Hemingway
Lee Marvin
Humphrey Bogart
Robert Service

... actually, the list should be longer... close runner-ups were Nathan Bedford Forrest, Ogden Nash, Thomas Jefferson, Neil Armstrong, John Wayne, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, Alan Alda, and the guy who played Radar on MASH... then again, I like drinking with most people... so, the list is kind of irrelevant... but, it was fun to make...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(5) | Drinking
» Divine InnerBitchin' links with: Scotch, Bourbon, or Beer?
» Evilwhiteguy's Blog links with: I'm Not Really Into Memes, But...
» Evilwhiteguy's Blog links with: I'm Not Really Into Memes, But...

Bals Copaib...

... after I got back from my little nature walk hunt, I did something that I have been wanting to do for a very long time... I googled an unknown term... a familiar, yet unknown term... as it happens, google turned up nothing... so, I headed over to yahoo.. bingo... a result..

.. here is the deal.. the Straight White Wife is in a medical-type profession.. as such, she has collected various antiques from that trade... in our kitchen, a medicine bottle has resided for many a year... at least I think it is a medicine bottle... all that is written across this ancient relic are the words... BALS COPAIB.... strange words... still, she has that puppy insured for a mint... so, it must date back to the 1880s...

... so here's a photo for you rubberneckers to enjoy... one ugly sumbitch, right?... yeah well, welcome to my Hell.. but hold on... the sheep-dip is about to get a few layers thicker...

bals_copaib_small.jpg

... click here for a better look...

... well, guess what?... the ONLY site I could find that even mentioned bals copaib was a eunuch website... check it out... an article from the late 1800's about how to cure "the guy who masturbates too much"... sweet Lord... well I, for one, am so totally NOT amused... in the article, after the bals copaib didn't work, they castrated the man...

... my "flight or fight response" has just gotten a serious fucking goose in the ribcage...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(8) | Psycho Rants
» Gut Rumbles links with: run!!!

a definition...

FOX

n. pl. foxes, also fox

1. Any of various carnivorous mammals of the genus Vulpes and related genera, related to the dogs and wolves and characteristically having upright ears, a pointed snout, and a long bushy tail.

2. The fur of one of these mammals.

3. A crafty, sly, or clever person animal.

4. Slang. A sexually attractive person.

5. Nautical. Small cordage made by twisting together two or more strands of tarred yarn.

6. Archaic. A sword.

...after 45 mintues, success saw me at 50 yards and skedaddled... the one time I take the 12ga instead of the .22 magnum.... out of range, children... Damn...

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