A New Year...

... at Christmas, I was given bought myself a fine eletronic predator call.. it is awesome... and yes, they are legal here in Tennessee... for the past few days, I've been noticing a gray fox in the field across the road.... so tomorrow, it is on, children... I'm going to stop scaring the shit out of the cats, and use the call as it was intended... luring wild canines in close enough to be taken.... that's how I am planning on spending my New Year's morning...

... tonight will be a laid back affair... watch a few movies.. have a drink or two... nothing special... pop the champagne at midnight... throw some Guy Lombardo on the stereo....

... tomorrow, I hunt... and in the evening, I will make dinner.... baked ham and the all the fixins... the first dinner of 2005.. just as I always do....

.. Happy New Year, rubberneckers... peace, prosperity, and joy to you all...

Drink This..

... Sadie proposed earlier today that I needed to make myself a Straight White Southern Sailor... I checked my ole bartender's guide... guess what?.. yeah... it wasn't in there... luckily, Miss Sadie had posted the ingredients...

Straight White Southern Sailor:
One shot Rum
Two shots Scotch
8 oz Orange Juice.. oh, screw the juice...use Tang instead. Speak many curse words. Maybe afterwards, drink some Apple Brandy by the Chattahoochie.

... being the obedient blogger that I am, I struck to the task.. I used a dark rum from the Dominican Republic.. a cheap blended Scotch from Perthshire... and OJ... unfortunately, I didn't have any Tang... however, I feel that the desired effect shall be experienced... thanks, Sadie... it ain't that bad actually...

.. behold, children... the creation of a Straight White Southern Sailor....

... for a close-up, click here...

.. and here...

.. and for the concoction in all of its glory... click here... oh, check out the penguin cocktail shaker.... yeah, your eyes do not deceive you..

Squeeze revisited...

... last night I spent quite a while in the blogroom listening to some old Tom Waits stuff... I googled the lyrics, and read along as he growled out the words... you know, despite being a hard-bitten, hard-living singer... most of his songs were incredibly complex and poetic... specifically, "I Can't Wait To Get Off Work" .... "Tom Traubert's Blues"... "Bad Liver and a Broken Heart".... and "Invitation to the Blues"... he may be an acquired taste, but it is really excellent stuff.. I highly recommend it... now, go forth and google the lyrics..

... some of you rubberneckers may remember back when I posted "Pasties & a G-String"... a personal favorite of mine.... but in it, I couldn't seem to figure out what Tom was meaning by "Portland through a shot glass, and a buffalo squeeze".... well, I get up this morning and check the email to find this little nugget from Loyal Reader Bob...

"A "Buffalo Squeeze" is the term that originated to describe the driving of a buffalo herd into a canyon with progressively narrowing walls and with no exit (The term is now used to describe using this same process on wild horses). The narrowing walls would slow the herd of stampeding beasts and eventually stop them as the canyon walls finally came together. Now facing the wrong direction and with no escape they were at the mercy of the pursuers.

In the modern idiom we'd recognized Buffalo Squeeze as the origins of "Squeeze Play" or "puttin' the 'squeeze' on someone ... "

.. many thanks, Bob... many thanks... it all makes perfect sense now.... I appreciate your wisdom... and quite frankly, I am still in shock that someone left a comment here that used the phrase "modern idiom"...

Meltdown..

... remember that scene in History of the World - Part I when Brooks keeps yelling for the pissboy?.... I know a Wednesday night pool-shooter who needs a new nickname, and I think I may have just stumbled upon it...

... speaking of pissboys and bad comedy.. anyone remember Ringo Starr in Caveman?... a guy just walked by my office, and I suddenly remembered the "birth of music" scene... yeah, the one where they beat on the old blind man to create a tune... heh heh... 1981 was one helluva year for comedies...

... wow.. what a totally fucked up post... I'm suddenly filled with the the burning desire to re-watch Woody Allen's Bananas tonight over a large Scotch & Water...

Outback Jack...

... perusing the blogroll as usual, I was just over at Drama Queen's site... and she's got a link up to some crazy television show called "Outback Jack"... she's going on about subtitles, and I have to agree with her... totally uncessarry to have them... now, Ms. Queen rocks it all day long... don't get me wrong... this is not a dis... but, Outback Jack?... I must confess I've never seen a single episode... however.. after following her links, I think the guy needs to have his head examined...

... two brunettes - that would melt in your mouth - were on his plate, children... and he chose the stickwoman?.. yep, it's true... I am sure that they will have a long and happy life together somewhere... heh.... but either Aussie men are brainless, or they have no taste... I mean, who in their right mind could pass up Laura - from Jacksonville, FL... OR Jillian from Miami?...

.. hey, I'm just saying... I don't care if they can skin a croc, or not.. but dayum... they grow'em nice in Florida... all that's missing is their glasses...

The Acidman...

.... every blogger has a story.... each one is unique.... how they got started... what they expected... what prompted them to shoulder this mantle of keeping a blog... some of us do it for enjoyment... for some, it's an addiction... some people make money out of it... others just adore being adored by their visitors... some are even using their blog to hone skills they hope will get them published.... some tell jokes... some want to be a voice of debate to help change minds.... but whatever our reasons, most of us never keep going for very long... like I told a blogger friend o'mine once - while badly misquoting Anne Rice... "We go into legend, or into the fire".... see, in a blog, longevity is a rare jewel...

... for many of us, we reach a point of diminishing returns... the effort we put into this thing doesn't give us back the amount of pleasure we need... we want to be bigger... more links... more hits.. less spam... more people sending us mail telling us how wonderful we are... more trolls to play with... a publisher to find us... a stronger voice.... whatever...

.... back when I was just a blog-reader, I had my daily visits... Acidman... Mr. du Toit... The Emperor... Rachel Lucas... Velociman... Dog Snot Diaries.... I was in awe of their wit, vitriol, and nerve... they all said exactly what was on their minds...

... I remember sending emails of news stories to Emperor Misha.. (one in particular about a guy getting beaten by someone's prosthetic limb)... and, he credited me as LC Eric when he posted it... I was thrilled... it felt like I was part of somethng.. heh... within a few weeks, I had my own blog.... and here I am... 16 months later... still plugging away... for me, the biggest benefit of this blog of mine is the friends I have met... both online, and in person.. and no matter how many times I've wanted to crash and burn SWG, for that reason alone, I keep this baby going...

... all this being said, The Acidman has a reason for celebration.... Gut Rumbles has just turned three years old... in the blogworld, that is an eternity... so to Rob, I salute you... congratulations, my friend... here's to three more...

Quote of the Day...

... well, children... I've heard it ALL now...

"Many of the gay male pairs and two of the female pairs were seen performing mounting behaviour, the report said."

... yeah... gay Japanese penguins...

... once you start messing with penguins, Boudicca, it just keeps getting worse...

Different.. but Awesome...

... this wonderful Tuesday has been a real roller coaster... a slam-bang head-spinner... some of the high points that had me singing to myself like a 12 year old after his first taste of cheap Gilbey's gin... and some low ones brought out my strangulation gene with a concentrated fervor... yet, I remained calm, cool, and collected....

... the thing is, I knew this was coming... even before the Christmas break.. heh.. I thought I had gleaned what to expect... I was wrong... but that is not necessarily a bad thing... it was just a different day than expected.... anticipation, children... it's an addictive drug.... in some cases, mind-altering... if you don't watch it closely, it'll drive you crazy...

Joke of the Day...

... sound words of advice from the email.... yea, verily...

Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge. "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy," said the wise old alien. "When a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't mess with him."

.. hat tip to Charlie..

Bitterman LIVES!...

.. stand by, children... this is a SWG exclusive news report...

... we have just been notified that gremlins have attacked the Bitterman household.. powering off his web server, and leveling the Offices for World Domination... unfortunately, the Bitterman was doing holiday cheery stuff on the other side of the country instead of manning the proverbial fort.. as such, the following is an officially sanctioned public service announcement on behalf of The Bitterman...

.. his server, it be down... his server, it be in Kalifornia... he be somewhere else than Kalifornia... so, what does this mean for you and I, gentle rubberneckers?... The Smoking Toaster is down until New Year's Eve...

.. heh... don't bother clicking on those links, by the way... his server is down, you see....

.. thank you... that is all....

Assault with intent...

... words simply cannot convey my anger right now... how anyone could do such a horrific thing is beyond comprehension... Evil Bastards.... hang in there, Bob....

"SpongeBob SquarePants, missing from a Beaver County Burger King since Thanksgiving, was found lying on the side of a Beaver County road earlier this month.

He had been stabbed twice and was covered with dirt and mud, said Frank Bell, vice president of programming for Froggy radio stations in Pittsburgh. "

Mr. Villa...

... just call me Pancho, children... why?... because I made out like a damn bandit this year..... oh, yes... I must have been very good this year.... I was gifted a wonderful Columbia gunsafe by my dear, sainted Mother.... so, I've spent the better part of the day gently cleaning my weapons.. one by one... and moving them out to the safe.... heh... I filled that baby UP... you know, cleaning weapons is such a wonderful afternoon diversion... it really is...

... anyway, they are all moved now... with the exception of two handguns, and one shotgun, my babies are now locked securely in a fire-resistant cradle with their accessories.... the smell of gun oil and solvent is all over the garage.. what a day... absolutely beautiful....

... to top it all off, I am making my world-famous spaghetti bolognaise for the evening meal... heh... maybe one of these days, I'll post the recipe.. until then, you'll just have to be jealous... incidentally... as for posting the recipe... the problem is this... the recipe keeps changing every two weeks or so... basically the same, but with minor tweaks... depending, of course, on what I grab first from the cabinet...

... later, rubberneckers... I'm off to get knee-deep in Rioja, bread, spaghetti sauce, and The Princess Bride...

Sick Call...

.... ahhh... Sunday morning... after a week of feasting and excess, a quiet morning - with nothing to do all day - is just what the doctor ordered... Boxing Day, as it is referred to in Britain... heh... I can remember exactly where I was on this day in 1993... December 26th, 1993... I was preparing for a run at RAF Edzell, Scotland....

... back when I was a brand new baby Corporal of Marines, I was given my first "command"... over a squad of junior Marines... 11 of them... I'd only been promoted to Corporal for a few months.... I was nervous and unsure about how to do what was expected of me... I was 19 years old...

... the 26th of December dawned a cool and windless morning... I had my Marines formed for PT... we were going to do a three mile run around the track before work... everyone was accounted for, and we began... Sgt Holland had decided to run with us that day, and since it was "my" PT session, he fell in at the back...

... about 500 yards into the jog, my roommate - a LCpl - began falling out... I yelled for Holland to take over, and he sprinted to the front to continue calling cadence... I fell back to where my roomie was faltering... I asked him what was wrong... he said he was having trouble breathing because he had a cold... I told him to stop running, and report to sick call... he said he wasn't bad enough to go to sick call... I explained that during my PT, we were going to run as a unit... and if he couldn't stay up with the unit, something must be wrong with him... and if something was wrong, he needed to go to sick call... well, he was having none of it... and I must say, this angered me just a little...

... by this time, Holland and the squad had completed their first circuit, and were gaining on us... as they passed, I asked the Sgt to halt the squad... I explained to them that the LCpl was sick, but was refusing sick call...I dismissed everyone from PT that morning, and only the young Marine and I would run... happy to be free from the run, the squad scattered like a covey of quail back towards the barracks... Sgt Holland ambled over, and took a seat on the grandstand that surrounded the track... the LCpl and I began running... we ran at his pace... for an hour... we covered the 3 miles - and then some... I worked him over... hard.. he was coughing and hacking... and every time he'd start, I'd say..

... "you want to stop and go to sick call?.. if not, then get your lousy ass up here and RUN with me... if you are sick, your're sick.. if not, it's time to PT!... you've let down the whole squad!... run, stop, or die... just make a fucking decision one way or the other"....

.. and so, we ran... and ran... and ran....

... when we finished, Sgt Holland followed he and I back to our room... the LCpl went into the shower, and I sat down on my rack... Sgt. Holland just stood in the doorway watching me... after a few minutes, he laughed to himself and said in his North Carolina drawl...

... "Corporal, that was one helluva run you guys had"....

.. I didn't know how to read what he was saying... I thought I had done the right thing with the LCpl... I really did... but almost without thinking, I stood up and walked over to the window... with my back to him, I asked..

... "did I do the right thing?.. by telling him to go to sick call, or run?"...

.. Sgt Holland sighed.. and then, he spoke....

"Dammit, Corporal... that was one of the best pieces of leadership I have ever seen from such a junior NCO... right up until just now... you don't need me to tell you that you did the right thing... go with your training... go with what your heart and guts tell you to do... you did just fine... but, doubting yourself will never get you anywhere... Hell, you KNEW you did the right thing.. you just wanted me to TELL you that you did... be reliant in yourself, Marine... it doesn't matter what I think... it's what YOU think of your actions that counts... "

... I've never forgotten what he told me that day... I doubt I ever will... in a way, I felt that I had let him down... he had found my weakness as a leader... the need for a pat on the head and to be told "good job".. maybe it is vanity... maybe ego... either way, I never made that mistake again... sure, I've made some bad decisions from time to time... but, they were MY decisions... and at the time, I felt they were right... and I stood by them 100%...

Losing your way...

... sitting here with a giant tome of Ogden Nash on my lap, I was just suddenly reminded of an old Robert Service poem.... so, I wandered through to the living room to fetch it.... you know, this is one that I have thought about posting before... but I never found the niche... it's a strange little poem really... in a way, I suppose some people might even find it mildly offensive... which is odd for any work of Service.... it's called "The Joy of being Poor".... and as of late, the circumstances of a few Friends has brought this to the fore... I feel like I should be pointing them to the message hidden in the poem....

... I posted quite a while back about that double-edged sword... complacency... in particular, the question of when, if ever, you should be allowed to rest upon your laurels... when should you sit back and enjoy the life you've created for yourself through hard work?.. after all, isn't that the point of working hard in the first place?... fruits of your labors, and all that?.... still, others believe that once you stop striving... you lose your hunger... and without struggle, you are dead to this world... Hell, with enough Scotch, I could probably argue both points equally well... but I'm not going to do that now... today is Christmas, and I am content... on many, many levels...

... so, regardless of how wealthy or poor you are... you are probably richer than you know.. take note of Mr. Service's sentiment... happiness lies in friendship... not necessarily in success.... and remember, children... read this slowly... and read it out loud... it'll do no harm, I can assure you of that....

... Merry Christmas, my Friends...

The Joy of Being Poor
by Robert W. Service

Let others sing of gold and gear, the joy of being rich;
But oh, the days when I was poor, a vagrant in a ditch!
When every dawn was like a gem, so radiant and rare,
And I had but a single coat, and not a single care;
When I would feast right royally on bacon, bread and beer,
And dig into a stack of hay and doze like any peer;
When I would wash beside a brook my solitary shirt,
And though it dried upon my back I never took a hurt;
When I went romping down the road contemptuous of care,
And slapped Adventure on the back - by Gad! we were a pair;
When, though my pockets lacked a coin, and though my coat was old,
The largess of the stars was mine, and all the sunset gold;
When time was only made for fools, and free as air was I,
And hard I hit and hard I lived beneath the open sky;
When all the roads were one to me, and each had its allure . . .
Ye Gods! these were the happy days, the days when I was poor.

Or else, again, old pal of mine, do you recall the times
You struggled with your storyettes, I wrestled with my rhymes;
Oh, we were happy, were we not? - we used to live so "high"
(A little bit of broken roof between us and the sky);
Upon the forge of art we toiled with hammer and with tongs;
You told me all your rippling yarns, I sang to you my songs.
Our hats were frayed, our jackets patched, our boots were down at heel,
But oh, the happy men were we, although we lacked a meal.
And if I sold a bit of rhyme, or if you placed a tale,
What feasts we had of tenderloins and apple-tarts and ale!
And yet how often we would dine as cheerful as you please,
Beside our little friendly fire on coffee, bread and cheese.
We lived upon the ragged edge, and grub was never sure,
But oh, these were the happy days, the days when we were poor.

Alas! old man, we're wealthy now, it's sad beyond a doubt;
We cannot dodge prosperity, success has found us out.
Your eye is very dull and drear, my brow is creased with care,
We realize how hard it is to be a millionaire.
The burden's heavy on our backs - you're thinking of your rents,
I'm worrying if I'll invest in five or six per cents.
We've limousines, and marble halls, and flunkeys by the score,
We play the part . . . but say, old chap, oh, isn't it a bore?
We work like slaves, we eat too much, we put on evening dress;
We've everything a man can want, I think . . . but happiness.
Come, let us sneak away, old chum; forget that we are rich,
And earn an honest appetite, and scratch an honest itch.
Let's be two jolly garreteers, up seven flights of stairs,
And wear old clothes and just pretend we aren't millionaires;
And wonder how we'll pay the rent, and scribble ream on ream,
And sup on sausages and tea, and laugh and loaf and dream.

And when we're tired of that, my friend, oh, you will come with me;
And we will seek the sunlit roads that lie beside the sea.
We'll know the joy the gipsy knows, the freedom nothing mars,
The golden treasure-gates of dawn, the mintage of the stars.
We'll smoke our pipes and watch the pot, and feed the crackling fire,
And sing like two old jolly boys, and dance to heart's desire;
We'll climb the hill and ford the brook and camp upon the moor . . .
Old chap, let's haste, I'm mad to taste the Joy of Being Poor.

Merry Christmas...

... well, Santa braved the frosty night..... Christmas has finally arrived... I've breakfast cooking on the stove... and a few gifts under the tree... the house is warm, and a thick frost is lying on the ground outside... I'm just sitting here drinking coffee and waiting for everyone to begin stirring...

... may you all have a holiday filled with the real Spirit of Christmas...

... peace on Earth... and goodwill toward men...

Destiny..

... Christina's novella is finished... whew.... a more twisting tale, I have never read... Mr. Helpful was recruited to anchor this team, and he has not let us down... taking all of the plot changes in hand, he has rounded, polished, and lacquered the story... smoothed it out, children... into a story with a beginning, a middle, and an ending... no small feat...

... so, bravo... bravo to all concerned... drinks are on me...

... One, Two, Three, Four, Five, and Six...

... it has been my distinct honor to have participated in this endeavor... and to have been placed in such articulate and creative company..... I have been humbled, entertained, curious, and perplexed.... thank you all for a wonderful journey... I wouldn't have missed it for the world...

Dino and Shrek...

.... well, I just finished watching Shrek II... heh... heart-warming... truly... especially the opening song.. hey, what can I say?... love is, indeed, a multi-faceted thing...

.. but tonight, I am not here to tell you about my day... I am here to light a fire under some bloggers.. some heroes... I hope they don't mind.. it is, after all, a term of deep endearment... and, it is a gentle kind of flame...

... many, many bloggers find themselves in dire straits... sickness... family problems... working long hours... a muse hung by a extension cord in the garage.. Hell, we've all been there in one form or another.... I sure have... but when a blog becomes a job, we all balk.... after all, this is supposed to be fun, right?...

... that being said, I want to make a sincere dedication to bloggers everywhere... all of my beloved blogroll... ALL of them.... you are on it for a reason, my babies... I enjoy visiting with you... be it a tale of wondrous escapades... a bad joke, or a rant.. you guys all rock.... and when you stop posting for a while.. well, I miss it....

... therefore, I give you some vintage Martin.... and, I feel him, rubberneckers... I really do..

... as for specifics?... Kelley... Anna... Nee.... and lots more... chaff in the wind, you guys are not.... I could name 25 more.. Undercaffeinated... Southern Relish... Machinegun Sun... but, alas.. their blogs are gone..... so, girls.... dammit, entertain me... I miss you....

.. sing along, children...

I'd cry like a baby if you told me goodbye
I'd feel like a snowball on the 4th of July
If you ever said you were leaving for good
I'd weep like a weeping willow, honest I would
I'd cry like a baby with a busted balloon
I'd let out a wail that would be heard to the moon
Our love was so splendid don't end it so soon
Don't leave me here sighing, sobbing and a-sighing
Crying like a baby for you

Welcome Aboard...

... word up, people.... a brand-spanking-new blog is born in the land of Munuvia... with a really cool name, too.... now, get those archives moved over, girl... (yeah, this is a test of your trackbacks... Pixy says they be broke)..

..to sleep....

... last night early this morning, I had some seriously fitful dreams... the kind that only last 8 or 10 seconds, and then you wake with a jolt... only to fall into a half-asleep state and dream afresh... weird, scary, fascinating dreams... quite disturbing, some of them... for instance....

Dream #1
... I was reading from a handwritten journal.... "the blood had dried hard... the tracks where I had lain her body were smeared with it... a clump of hair was all that remained of her sweet face.... those sweet lips... the sweet smile was erased... dental identification, indeed... last night's train had done my dirty work... I am safe for the moment.... you know, I couldn't help but grin at the sight, and light a cigarette"... yeah... then I realized that the pencil was in MY hand... I had just written what I had read..

.. I sat straight up in bed... beads of sweat on my forehead.... 4:45, and all is well... but in a few seconds, I was dreaming again...

Dream #2
... I was flat-out on a bear skin rug in a teepee pumping Julia Louis-Dreyfus... just as we were reaching mutual/simultaneous/earth-shattering orgasm, a cavalryman that looked exactly like Bruce Dern jerked open the flap of the teepee, yelled something about staying away from the white women, and shot me in the face... as my spirit ascended, I looked down to see that I was actually that Indian fellow off of King of the Hill....

... I sat up again.. looked around.... shook my head a few times... took a sip of water, and laid back down... a minute later, I was gone...

Dream #3
.. me, Ed Harris, and Robert Mitchum were on the set of "It's a Wonderful Life"... and we were taking turns beating up Clarence Oddbody... James Stewart was hogtied in the corner watching us.. I think he knew he was next...

.. forced awake a third time, I decided to just get out of bed early... 5am... I made a pot of coffee, and tried to make sense of those crazy dreams... I came up with nothing... I mean, I actually LIKE "It's a Wonderful Life"....

No Frikkin' Way...

... quite simply, I am without words, children.. Mangaia, indeed...

... I am forced to make the international bullshit call on this one... sorry, folks... sorry to have to be the one - this close to Christmas - to burst your little bubble... but my bullshit-ometer just went off the scale...

... oh, and as for the "Party topic ideas"?... it is glaringly obvious... I have been going to the wrong damn parties..

Payback...

... it's an often overused term... you know... payback being a bitch, and all... but sometimes it is better to just let sleeping dogs lie... comeuppance, rubberneckers... heh...

"And we get a lot of compliments, too, right, Dad?" says Mata's daughter, Lori. "They'd stop and say, 'I like it.' "

... I'll bet...

"no characteristic apparent"...

... sweet Jebus on a pogostick... the blog novella continues to ripen, children.. just like Maria's fetid head... heh... and to think.. I sent him a curious George lunchbox... dayum...

... for your reading pleasure, I offer you Chapter Five...

... Chapters One, Two, Three, and Four, for those of you who need a little catching up....

... damn, Christina, what a party...

... on deck, batting clean-up, Mr. Helpful...

Soul Brothers..

... a few nights ago, I was sitting here re-watching "The Two Jakes", and I suddenly realized.. damn, children... Nicholson is the fucking MacDaddy... no, seriously.. hear me out... just listen to what he told that hottie, Ms. Bodine to do...

... "Get on your knees, put your ass in the air and don't move until I say to."...

... heh... talk about attitude... and the doe-eyed little minx obliged him!.... unbelievable.... I stand before you in total awe, children... I truly am..

... and of course, I am reminded of an old post.... remember my fridge magnet poem?... yeah, spooky... Me and Jake Gittes?... we be soul brothers....

Bad Sex...

... anyone else see this story?... man, what a slam... heh... poor guy.... I am almost tempted to write some saucy stories for the old blog in honor of it...

"Slither slither slither slither went the tongue," one of his winning sentences begins."

... damn... Tom, old boy... steamy, you aint...

Sing us a Song...

... an interesting thing happened on the way back from Nashville..... while I was blasting along, I had the tunes kicking... everything.... Zevon, Joel, Dino... the whole bag of tricks..... pretty damn eclectic... hey, it is my natural state... relax...

.... anyway... the morning yesterday dawned on a bright, sunny, and frosty day... great for driving... trust me, children, the pleasure was all mine.... but, after a few miles, it happened.... cruising about 92 on I-40, a thought came to me as the tunes rang true... I know this is going to sound whacked, but I think Billy Joel's Piano Man sounds a lot like blogging.... I mean, people come to your site to "forget about life for a while" right?... and, admit it... "write us a blog, you're the Velociman" just has a ring to it... think about it, children... the term would work equally well thusly.. "write us a blog, you're the Acidman".... where as, "write us a blog, you're the Straight White Guy" would just fuck up the mood 100%.... strange, that...

.... what the Hell am I talking about?.... listen to the song... REALLY listen to it... and substitute a blogger for the piano throughout... trust me... it works.... either that, or Harvey is right about the symptoms of blogging too much...

... so, with many apologies to Billy Joel... I submit to you a humble link-orgy... feel free to sing along...

It's nine o'clock on a Saturday
The regular crowd shuffles in
There's an old man sitting next to me
Making love to his tonic and gin
He says," Son can you play me a memory
I'm not really sure how it goes
But it's sad and it's sweet
And I knew it complete
When I wore a younger man's clothes"
Sing us song , you're the piano Acidman
Sing us song tonight
Well we're all in the mood for a melody
And you've got us feeling alright

Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free
And he's quick with a joke or to light up your smoke
But there's someplace that he'd rather be
He says, "Bill ,I believe this is killing me"
As a smile ran away from his face
"Well. I'm sure that I could be a movie star
If I could get out of this place"

Now Paul is a real estate novelist
Who never had time for a wife
And he's talking with Davy Mike who's still in the Navy Marine Corps
And probably will be for life
And the waitress is practicing politics
As the businessmen slowly get stoned
Yes they're sharing a drink they call loneliness
But it's better than drinking alone
sing us a song you're the piano Velociman
sing us a song tonight
we're all in the mood for a melody
and you've got us feelin' alright

It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday
And the manager gives me a smile
'Cause he knows that it's me they've been coming to see
To forget about life for awhile
And the piano sounds like a carnival
And the microphone smells like a beer
And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar
And say "Man what are you doing here?"

Rubberneckin'...

... one must remark, if only in passing, that the mild weather currently being experienced here is easy on the eyes... for instance, during my shopping trip, I was very pleasantly surprised... I had figured that it would be July again before I saw another tanned stomach sporting a belly-button ring... hey, who knew?... still, it was nice to see the freshman college girls shopping with such wild abandon...

... hmmm... as an after-thought.... as Tiny Tim would have undoubtedly said had he reached adulthood... "God bless climate controlled malls.. God bless them every one"...

... anyway, I'm off to Nashville to visit my Bro...

Christmas Cards...

... well, I survived... and actually, it wasn't that bad.... we decided at the last minute to visit Maryville instead of Chattanooga... heh, it didn't matter in the end.. Santa was THERE!!... good thing we didn't go all the way to Hamilton Place and find out Santa wasn't there....

... we did a little shopping... got fleeced pretty hard by the Super Target... but we're officially done now.. no more gifts to purchase... finished... the end has been reached.. the summit attained... as such, there is much jubilation at the Straight White House right now... time to celebrate a little...

... I just mixed up a batch of Chocotinis for the Wife... she's in the den watching Bonfire of the Vanities.. me?... well, I am currently ensconced in the bloginarium sipping Ardbeg and writing Christmas Cards... ahhhh, darlings... it's as if the waters of Islay are washing away the troubles of the world... well, not really... but, it sure helps...

goin' shoppin'...

... after a quiet night, I slept well.... we be cool... and today, I am off in search of Christmas Cheer... I know just where to find it, too... I am away to brave the waters of Hamilton Place Mall... I just know that Santa is there... somewhere... and shit, I haven't sat on a man's lap since Athens.. it's time, children..

... oh, and guess what?... a great little surprise came in the post today.. I am IN... that party-animal Jimbo sent me some New Jersey camouflage... that's right, rubberneckers, when I finally get to meet The Usual Suspects, I shall be properly attired...

... thanks, Killer... it's an awesome gift...

heh...

... fresh from the morning's email....

.. Santa, baby... indeed..

Anger...

... yeah.. I deleted the post below this one.... so what?...

.... I called everyone after work, and cancelled the festivities... Cousin B.. Biker Steve... Big Daddy C.... no poolnight tonight, boys.... no laughing and drinking in the garage.... no, sir.... right now, I don't want anyone around... if they'd have come over, it would have been dangerous..

... why the sudden change?... that's an easy one.... I am very, very angry... and the reasons for this are manifold, indeed...

... in a post below, you will see me say that I hate my temper... it shows itself very rarely... but when it does, bad things happen.. mad, vicious, hateful things..... I absolutely despise it... this temper of mine.... but tonight, it is here... and in abundance....

... I am a tolerant Man... I am a peaceful Man.... I am a quiet Man.... and tonight, I am an angry Man..

I am BRUISED...

... a few days ago, I left a comment over at Jack's place... I recommened that he re-watch Lonesome Dove.. listen, people... that is good advice for ALL of you... if you haven't seen it, you should be totally fucking ashamed of yourselves... if you HAVE seen it, good.... go forth and watch it again... and before you start, yeah, I know that McMurtry is a dweeb... so what?... you can't get enough Augustus McCrae...

... so, as I am often inclined, I threw the DVD in last night... propped myself on the couch.. put my feet up on the ottoman, and started re-watching Lonesome Dove myself... after a few tumblers of Ardbeg, I inquired to the Straight White Wife...

... "so, which do you think I am more like?... Woodrow, or Gus?"...

... there was a slight pause.. and then, yelling through from the kitchen, a sweet Scottish lilt sang...

... "good question... you've got a little of both of them in ya... but actually, you remind me most of Lippy"...

... damn... slander, I say... slander... and yet, I feel so deeply bruised...

Candy Bombs...

... good ole Mick of Intellectual Intercourse has a "winning of the hearts" post... the absolute last thing you expect to experience after watching an attack chopper fly past is... well, a sweet taste in your mouth... bravery and kindness come in all all shapes and sizes, people...

BCS Thoughts....

... the SEC IS the best conference... hands down... I don't give a shit what you think, and I don't want to argue... take it some place else..

... so, with that thought in mind... here is an example of what it feels like to be an Auburn fan right about now...

.. that is all...

Outed again....

... Acidman is waxing poetic... or, looking to wax a poet... I'm not really sure... but either way, he's tagged another one....

SoA Update!...

... Dean's got the dirt, boys and girls... at least when you donate via US, it goes to a worthy cause... Egyptian Goddess Patchouli, indeed.. shameful... dig deep, children... you now see what we are fighting against....

Screamin' Meme...

.. ok... simply because I was called out...

Three names you go by:
... Eric
.. Cousin Eric (during poolnights)
.. David, sometimes.. but only by one person..

Three screennames you have:
.. Eric
.. Straight White Guy
.. swgeric

Three things you like about yourself:
.. the ability to keep calm under stress..
... the memories of the places I've been..
.. my warped sense of humor...

Three things you hate/dislike about yourself:
...my temper.. dammit...
.. the fact that I spent so much time away from my family...
.. I am sometimes jealous...

Three parts of your heritage:
.. Scots
.. Cherokee/Choctaw
.. Irish

Three things that scare you:
.. Zombies..
.. Sharks...
.. Bumblebees... in that order..

Three of your everyday essentials:
.. black coffee...
.. cigarettes..
.. reading...

Three things you are wearing right now:
... Levis..
.. zip-up fleece..
.. wedding band..

Three of your favorite bands/artists (at the moment):
.. Waren Zevon...
... James Taylor..
.. Butch Thompson...

Three of your favorite songs at present:
One For My Baby - Robbie Williams
Little Wing - Stevie Ray Vaughan
It Stoned Me - Van Morrison

Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
.. skydiving...
... hit a target past 650yds with my .280...
.. meeting more bloggers in person...

Three things you want in a relationship (love is a given):
.. laughter..
.. wild and interesting sex..
.. trust..

Two truths and a lie:
.. my GGGGGrandpa was Prince Albert's Uncle...
.. another of my GGGGGGrandpas used to beat up George Washington...
.. last year, I slept with Dame Judy Dench..

Three physical things about the opposite sex (or same) that appeal to you:
... mmm.. a curvy caboose...
... a vivacious smile...
... a graceful neck...

Three things you just can't do:
.. beat up an old lady...
.. never drink Scotch again..
.. wear underwear...

Three of your favorite hobbies:
.. shooting pool...
... blogging & reading blogs...
.. playing guitar...

Three things you want to do really badly right now:
.. stop doing this damn Q & A thinggy...
... have a smoke...
... go outside and watch the snow...

Three careers you're considering:
.. fulltime Bum House-Husband..
.. a bartender..
.. starting my own business...

Three places you want to go on vacation:
... Egypt.. or, anywhere in Saharan Africa..
... India again, and stay longer this time...
... Alaska again.. oh yeah...

Three kids names:
.. Emily...
... Isaac...
.. Jeremiah..

Three things you want to do before you die:
.. live an incredibly long time while healthy..
.. harvest a Grizzly in Alaska..
.. swim with sharks... (or Zombies)...

I'm here to help...

... ok... damn, Beerbrains... that is just fucking nasty...

... however, that is beside the point.. go on over and help the man out...

Heart Attack...

... after catching up on a few blogs last night... I wandered through to the front room... Scrooge was on.... the version from back in 1951... the one with Alistair Sim... a man BORN to play Scrooge... man, I love watching Scrooge - any version... but last night, something strange suddenly came to me.... you remember that scene where the freshly spooked Scrooge arrives at his Nephew's house?... he acts all excited, and his Gorgeous Brunette Babe kisses ole Scrooge, and then immediately whisks him off for a polka?... well children, I caught the Dickens in that scene.... just a flicker, in this cheery tale, but it was there...

... I mean, just imagine... a Nephew who was bitching about being cut out of the will only two scenes earlier?.... when suddenly, rich Uncle Scrooge shows up, old and decrepit?... what is the FIRST thing that a young, opportunistic man would do?... yeah... that's right.... throw your nubile young hotmamma at Uncle Scrooge, and make them dance at a fever pitch for half an hour or so.... Christmas cheer, indeed.... that money-grubbing bastard was PRAYING for Scrooge to stroke out right there in front of the fireplace... THAT is Charles Dickens.... God, I love Christmas....

Amazonian Attitude...

... Kateland from The Last Amazon gives us a scoop.... from War Crimes to rebuilding lives... and how the Spirit of America is helping... she quotes from the Wall Street Journal...

"We provide timely and effective assistance where it is needed most on the front lines. The Wall Street Journal says, "Spirit of America's organizational insight is to deploy the best practices of the modern U.S. economy - efficiency and speed - around the margins of the Iraq war effort." The Journal adds, "Spirit of America and the Marines are a coalition of the can-do."

... give her a read...

Jack has it goin' on...

.. not ONLY does he have a killer Chapter Four of Christina's blognovella up, he also is performing his duties for The Fighting Fusileers... and the man says he is busy at work?... sheesh... no wonder.... if he was ever found with idle time on his hands, he'd likely take over the world...

.. go visit, and donate.. and, in regards to the blognovella, here are the other Chapters..

.. One... Two.. Three... and Four...

I'm Back...

... ouch ouch ouch....

... a bunch of us met up in Athens, Georgia over this past weekend... and, as usual, it was a riot... well, very nearly a REAL riot... heh... we do have a tendency to instigate things like that.... luckily, the local fuzz stayed away from our hotel... that, of course, was a Good Thing... the ensuing gunbattle would have been bloody in proportions epic.. still, no one was hurt, no one went to jail, and a great time was enjoyed among friends... just as it should be...

... the drive back was truly phenomenal... the road from Ellijay to Chatsworth is a real treat... especially with the Sun setting in the west.... deep valleys and naked trees glowing in the evening light.... beautiful.... the world seeming to be busy trying to please our eyes.... and the crisp mountain air was also busy.... removing the clogging from my lungs that the previous night had deposited... you see, chain-smoking, while fun, has side-effects, children... fortunately, the North Georgia mountains contain a natural cure...

... that being said, I am back now... safe and sound... sitting in the ole blogchair at home... and I find myself already anxious for the next time we all meet... getting' tore-down with you people is a fine, fine time...

... Acidman, Velociman, Kelley, Key, Sam, Catfish, and Adam... thanks.. I had a blast... and, get well soon, Kelley...

Off to Georgia...

... have fun, rubberneckers.... I'm away to drink visit with my blog heroes again...

... remember, play nice....

Long, long ago....

... Caltech Girl has the latest post up for SoA... if you are a Star Wars fan, you are gonna love her post...

Poetry....

... well, it is about time..... I hope you enjoy it... if not, then bite me....

Robert Frost, children....

... g'night...

A Changing Mind..

... Juliette is a force, people... one day, I hope to meet her in person, and buy her some shots... sooner, rather than later, I hope... in her heartfelt post, she tells a tale of her Service... the Beirut bombing back in 83 changed her... it changed a lot of us... and well, it changed me too...

... myself and my best friend enlisted in the Marine Corps the next week... we were 11 and 12 respectively... a few months ago, my Mother was cleaning out our old cedar chest, and she found the letter from HQ USMC... thanking us for our offer.. but, telling us to wait till we finished school... they even sent us iron-ons for our tee-shirts... we were pretty damn let-down....

... a few years later, I followed through with my promise... I joined... graduated high school on Friday, and was at Parris Island on Monday.... the rest, as they say, is history...

... I feel ya, Baldilocks... I really do...

An interesting point..

... Professor Wolpert weighs in on another interesting issue....

"Human female breasts may have become permanently enlarged secondary to sexual selection, as they potentially resembled the double ovoid region of the distended buttocks, which in turn are employed to signal appeasement as well as sexuality in primates."

.. I'll bet he gets slapped a lot...

Preferences...

... an interesting question has been tabled over at Inblognito.... very interesting, indeed... one that, quite possibly, will end up having comments labeled "entirely too much information"... but still, you have to admit that her candor is admirable... her interest, well intended...

... as for me, I don't see what all the fuzz fuss is about.... all variations on this exalted theme are wondrous to behold.... I mean, in the end, it all comes down to good housekeeping.... Napoleon and Josephine may have had some funky groove on, but nowadays, no one wants to eat off of a dirty plate.... not that hairy equates to dirty... but, it IS less sightly... at least, that is my personal preference... however, one should not over groom... there is a fine, fine line, people...

... of course, that goes both ways... if the female of the species prunes and combs for her partner... then so should the male reciprocate... right?... that being said, I think this all may be a storm in a teacup... I understand the woman's perspective... but, in reality, they should not complain... if you Ladies think an ingrown hair is a bitch, you should try shaving a nutsack without castrating yourself... hey, I'm just saying...

Reincarnation...

.... well, it has been put off as long as possible... tonight, the tree goes up.... the wreath will be hung.... and penguins, made from every conceivable material known to man, will be placed on EVERY horizontal surface.... it is truly horrendous.... we have penguins made of wood, glass, copper, gingerbread, antler, chocolate (white, milk, and dark), stone, silver, ceramic, ivory, plastic, pewter... the list is endless... we have an army of plush toy penguins, too... penguin fridge magnets, Christmas cards, calendars... penguin tree ornaments... penguin toilet paper.... damn, children, my head hurts just thinking about it...

... the annual penguin-gasm knows no bounds, people... it is disgusting, yes.... and it is limitless... but it happens every year.... I am about to be set adrift in a sea of black and white flightless birds.... at least until mid January... pity me... in my next life, I am coming back as a Leopard Seal... I swear it...

More Reasons...

... The Patriette has a wonderful essay up about the Spirit of America, and what our contributions are actually doing in Iraq... head on over, and give her a read...

Joke of the Day...

.. fresh and juicy from this morning's email...

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"

The Monkey looks down and says "FUUUUUCK, DUDE....... how much water did you drink?"

A Poem...

... BloodSpite has it going on, people... a Yuletide poem of epic proportions.... check it out... oh, and donate if you can... the cause is worthy....

Shady Pasts...

... there are some things which are better left un-remembered..... un-said.... especially when a beloved spouse is involved... however, it is their very curiousness that draws these stories out... little snips like - "what was he like as a child?"... which, without-fail, is followed with ... "awww... that's so SWEET".... then, of course, it is expanded... "here, Honey, let me show you a picture of him in his Hee-Haw overalls when he was 4".... yeah, it just keeps getting worse....

... anyway, I was lucky to have lived overseas for most of my marriage... thus keeping the childhood story-telling down to a bare minimum... but since moving back, a steady stream of golden goodies has started to flow.... most of them had been repressed forgotten long ago

... so, it was with great interest that I read Velociman's tale of being a fetishist-extraordinaire in his youth.... I can relate, Brother.... and, I was busted too...

... over Thanksgiving, my beloved Mother spilled the proverbial beans to the Straight White Wife.... we were all sitting around the table... the whole clan... stuffing ourselves with the holiday bounty... when someone mentioned one of the little grandkids.... well, this sparked a brain cell in my dear Momma... who, without raising up from her creamed corn, asked the assembled mass a rhetorical question...

... "y'all remember when Eric got sent home from Kindergarten for having those brassiere pictures he'd clipped from the Sears catalog?"...

... damn, children... talk about grabbing attention.... and, she continued....

... "his teacher called me.... told me that he was showing the photos to all the little boys on the playground... hehehehe... he was 4 and a HALF years old!.... "...

... so there we sat... 30 close relatives hanging on every word.... jaws slackened by her blunt lead-in... mouthfuls of holiday cheer sitting half-chewed as the tale was spun.... I was fucking mortified...

... meanwhile, The Straight White Wife listened intently with a broad, sparkling grin... and then, she did it...

... she looked at me... rubbed my little noggin... and said to The Family...

.... "well, that explains a LOT about the last 10 years!... he hasn't changed a BIT... "

.. where am I going with this?... Hell, I don't know... but, I can tell you this... I went from being ashamed... to joyously reveling in my childhood obsession with nekkid women... in an instant.... I was suddenly aware of a deep, growing pride in my perversion... I mean, isn't it a thing to be prideful of?... being a horny toddler?... Hell, the Straight White Wife was impressed.....

... so, embrace your dark side, gentle rubberneckers.... embrace it..... being a perv is hardwired in us... like having a big nose... or red hair.... you can't change it... so embrace it...

Been there, Brother...

... ole Beerbrains has seen the light.... NyQuil will mess you up... I've had that "28 Days Later" dream after a few shots of NyQuil.... and trust me, people.. it was not pretty... so listen, children.. if you get a cold, be a trooper.... locate your nearest liquor store, and work your way through a bottle of booze... it is infinitely safer...

The Cool Blog...

... remember folks, this is a good cause.... Cat-blending, and all....

... The Cool Blue Blog has a great round-up.. check him out....

Congratulations!...

... I am tickled completely pink, people... and I'm sure that you are all right there beside me in wanting to wish the Duke of Argyll and his TEAM a hearty congratulations... Scotland 12 - Nepal 6 ... a stunning victory.... yep, that's right... the intrepid Scots traveled deep into Nepalese territory, and whipped them at their own game...

"The Duke said the elephants, usually females from the same herd, clearly enjoy the game.

"They do get very excited - they put their trunks up in the air and start screaming their heads off as they charge down the field," he said."

... that is SO sweet!... I'd have paid some serious money to have been there to see that... no, really... Fox World Sports better show the damn highlights tonight, or I'm gonna be pissed...

Jimbo Caught One!!...

... and he didn't KILL him... that is just plain wrong... but personally, I can't really hold it against Jim... I blame New Jersey's Gun Control laws....

Stiff Upper Lip...

... good grief.... I swear, you really can't make this shit up... this is absolutely insane.... David Beckham's old girlfriend reduced to jerking off a pig?... or, was that what she was doing while with him?... either way, DAMN....

Whisky, Gin, and Coffee...

... tonight, my sweet, Southern blogChild has pleased her blogDaddy.. right now, I am sipping Lagavulin and listening to Jeremy Lyons... heh.. be sure to turn your speakers up, children...

... I love my coffee... oh yeah....

... Christina... I first saw Lyons when he was busking on the corner across from Sammy's Bar and Grill in the French Quarter... Sammy's had a dozen oysters on the half and a bottled Bud for 2 bucks... Just Damn.... this sure brings back memories... Hell, as I recall, I tossed him 10 bucks, and he played "T for Texas" for me... and it was well worth it... man, I miss Nawlins...

... thanks, babe... this is an awesome present...

Rally Round....

.. ok.. my turn to lift the guidon.... I offer you two quotes here... take them as you may.... so, with that said... let me just begin by saying that I am incredibly proud to be included in the ranks of the Fighting Fusileers for Freedom.... the job that The Spirit of America is doing is incredible... it is multi-faceted, and what's more, it is necessary.... and of course, it is noble... . actually making a difference in the lives of people.... is there any more noble charge that can be gifted to us?... very few that I can think of.... and yes, I meant to say that... gifted... because, truly, we are a gifted bunch.... Providence has put in a position where we can assist in helping people to help themselves... regardless of how you feel about the War... be it right... or be it wrong... donate now...

... as a Southerner who still has Grandparents with secondhand stories of Sherman's march... I understand where Hemingway was headed with the quote below...

"Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime" Ernest Hemingway

... ole Ernest.. well, he has a point.... "War is Hell", as Sherman said, and I can vouch, children.. it is a true statement... and indeed, he made Georgia howl.... the reconstruction of the South took decades... and in a way, the devastation of our Civil War is still being mended... still, it is a fact... populations suffer during War... it is in the very nature of the act... you and I... well, we are in a position to help make war a little less Hellish to the citizens of Iraq... donate now...

... while our Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Coasties, and Marines are doing their jobs... protecting us from Evil... you and I have a job to do as well... helping make life a little more bearable for our fellow human beings...

... you know, I remember reading, long ago, a quote from Anacreon.... you'll find it below... and at the time I first read it, I was in the military service myself.. well, I totally disagreed with his sentiment.. it was too bitter... too negative... in the end, we can all do our part in supporting our Country.... regardless of our political affiliation.... Anacreon was wrong, when he said....

"War spares not the brave but the cowardly. " Anacreon, The Greek Anthology

... War does not spare anyone.... and bravery is subjective... it is often misunderstood... bravery is, in essence, doing what you know is right.... regardless of the circumstances..... and so, here we sit... watching the events overseas unfold... feeling that we are helpless.. feeling we need to re-enlist... feeling we should protest... feeling we should support... feeling that we have no idea what to do.... sure, we've got the "I support our troops" magnet on our car... but, what else can we do?... well, let me tell you.... send a care package to a serviceman overseas... be active in your communities.... and donate, people... donate to The Spirit of America... you will not regret it...

Predators..

... I was up early, and went hunting this morning... frost was thick as the Sun was coming over the mountain, and the ground crunched slightly as you walked... it was truly great to be in the woods again.... I walked a few hundred yards into the hardwoods, and found a nice wild cherry tree near some nests... sitting down with my back resting against the tree, the smell of the decaying oak leaves was wonderful... earth scent.. a sweet smell... the very world in the making, people.... and by the time the sun was fully up, I had bagged two nice gray squirrels with my .22 magnum... Underbrush.. combined with Autumn and marksmanship.. well, it is a dangerous combination... especially if you happen to be on the menu...

... anyway, a friend of mine had brought his fawn call... so, after an hour or so with no activity, we decided to switch gears... see if we could call in a predator or two... we walked further into the woods... all the while, seeing signs of the local deer population... and after half an hour of creeping slowly through the leaves, we found our place... a natural ditch about ten feet wide bordering the forest on the right, and a natural marsh on the left.. beyond which lay a tangled thicket of impenetrable scrub... here, we set up... here is where predators prowl....

... a few calls later, and we were proved correct... we heard it before we saw it... that is often the case with coyotes... you call, and they come as quick as they can.. tearing through the undergrowth... evil bastards of things that they are... but this was different... we heard it... just a slight movement... slowly... methodically... slyly... it was a fox... a gray fox.. we saw it peer out of the thicket for a moment... the delicate muzzle.. rusty tips on its' ears... it was only there for a second... disappearing quickly to try to catch the scent of the fawn by circling.. it seemed to know that crossing the glade would expose it to danger... it was right... crazy like a fox, indeed...

... we saw it twice more, but couldn't get off a shot... it came in close... after circling though, it approached from the woodland side and never cleared the brush... we heard it stalking us for 15 minutes in the fallen leaves... then, it caught our smell and was gone....

... we gave up, and headed towards home.. two squirrels, and a memory of a wily fox... all in all, a great day.. heh... sometimes the thrill really is in the chase.... hunting predators is always a rush....

Who can you trust?...

... wow.. Geoffrey's got the scoop... why should you donate to The Spirit of America through The Fighting Fusileers?... here's why...

... "There they were, swigging PBR and gnawing on pigs feet, and in there greasy fists was their chosen method of payment."...

.. just imagine, children... your hard earned (and donated) money... being used for PBR and pigs feet... shameful... so just remember... you can all trust Uncle Eric... no really, you can.... if you want to donate to a very good cause.. click HERE...

The Blog Novella...

... Christina's idea is beginning to bear some wonderful fruit... Acidman has just contributed his fine chapter... and it's a real beauty....

Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three

... next up, Jack, Velociman, and Mr. Helpful.... this is going to be one wild, twisting tale, people....

Eating Kittens?...

... if I hadn't heard it directly from Beth, I'd never have believed it... shocking stuff... shocking....

An Evening at Home...

... I off to go shopping... battling braving the rabid crowds is not something I am looking forward to... getting back, well.. that's the ticket.... why?.. well, I have decided to treat myself tonight... a ceremonial pat on the back, so to speak, for having the nerve to head out into the crazy world of Christmas shoppers...

.. here's how I am spending this evening...

... here's a close-up....

... yep.. that's right, children... I have a plan... simple, yet beautiful... if I survive today's expedition... I'm gonna watch the UT/Auburn game... grill a steak.... and sample that bottle of Lagavulin...

... check it out, Redneck.... keep on sampling, man... it only gets better...

... heh... here is a view every Scotch lover will enjoy... a GIANT Lagavulin....

Spider dropping...

... no, you retards... not spider droppings... spider DROPPING... get your minds out of the gutter..... as a young buck US Marine back in the day, it was something we were taught to do... at the School of Infantry at Camp Geiger... a "spider drop" was the fine art of dangling from a second story window, and falling to the ground without killing yourself... and before you ask, yes... broken bones were the norm... spiders can drop incredibly well... Marines?.. well, not quite as well... we usually hit the ground with a huge thump.... but, in our defense, we were great shots... and we never stopped trying to get that damn spider drop perfected...

.. currently, my esteemed Brothers are engaged in a house-to-house struggle in Fallujah... rivaling Hue in 1968... a battle in which my Father fought... Godspeed, friends....

.. today, while checking my dailies, I see this crazy shit over at Dog Snot... giant spiders, my ass.... trust me, folks... if Allah were sending giant spiders to Fallujah, we'd have pictures of Jarheads barbecuing them by now with a side order of mashed potatoes and baked beans...

... Hell... what else is to be said?.... Giant Spiders, people... go forth and read the idiocy.... the only spiders dropped in Fallujah were not sent from Allah.. they were well-trained Marines going house to house...

A Mystery...

.... there is some seriously strange shit going on over here.... I mean, apart from the normal, everyday weird stuff that is the Straight White Life.... check it.... something knocked down a huge cedar tree in my back yard last night.... really.... not cut, chopped, struck-by-lightning.... pushed over, people... roots and all...

... sitting here having my coffee, I am stumped, children....and quite frankly, just a little freaked out.... my mind has been churning out theories all morning.... so far, a few possibilities have been shaken to the surface.... remember back when I told you about the aliens?... yeah... they might have come back and knocked my tree over... obviously, for purposes known only to themselves.... then again, I watched 13 Ghosts a few nights ago... so, maybe I have a big, hulking, pissed-off ghost hanging around... if that's the case, we're moving.... remember how he tossed those cars around?... damn.... of course, as Thunderboy points out, it might have been a skunk ape... hey, stranger things have happened.... especially at my house.... but there were no hairy footprints in the lawn... so that kills the monkeyboy theory...

... anyway, I know what you are thinking... the most likely suspect is the "wind"... but personally, I don't buy it... nothing else in the yard was disturbed... leaves still on the ground... no limbs from other trees scattered around... just one single tree... pushed right-the-Hell over...

... help me out here, people... if you did it, confess...if not, then what happened?...

Operation Cowbell...

... what's Ben doing?... ringing that cowbell... ringing it, man... I just realized... there is nothing like a strong cup of coffee, and some loud cowbell ringing to get your heart a'pumpin' in the morning...

Feisty SWG....

... by the way, I ain't home tonight... I am guesting over at Christina's place.... it shall be interesting..... that, I promise.... Hell, it might force you to break into dance... then again, it might force you to break and run.... then again, maybe not.... either way, I'm over there tonight.. holding down the Fort, so to speak.... after all, she IS the only child I have....

A Voice of Reason...

... Dean Esmay hits it....

"Because ultimately, whether you thought going was the right thing or the wrong thing, isn't trying to create peace and friendship something we should all hope to see happen?"

... he's right, you know....

Tore Down

... whoa... not only was last night a glorious poolfest... but The Single Southern Guy and Friend arrived late.... damn, people.... what a night.... I be tore down today.... shine was shared up till 2AM..... you know, hangovers are alien to me... but today, the spaceships have landed..... thanks, Adam.... this is a new experience.... I shall do my best to enjoy it... you bastard....

The Spirit of America..

... tis the season, people... time to break out some of your cash for a good cause... The Spirit of America campaign.... if you don't know what I'm talking about, get over there and have a read... our donations last year helped incredibly.... many successes were noted, and we made a difference... we can do the same thing this year... John of Castle Argghhh is in command of us Fighting Fusileers o'Freedom... join us in our mission... you won't be sorry...

.. Donate, people... every little bit counts...