...Florida Football..

... a great, and wise euphemism can be deployed here to describe the state of Florida Football this past Saturday... two simple, yet eloquent words, children...

... tits up...

#3 Miami defeated by North Carolina... #5 FSU defeated by Maryland... and, the unranked Gators defeated by #7 Georgia...

... and, no... it's not ALL Zook's fault..

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Self-doubt...

... there are times in each of our lives when, well, quite simply, we doubt ourselves... we wonder if we are doing The Right Thing... we search our souls looking for some sort of verification... are we happy?... are we content?... are we really where we should be in life?...

... for some of us, we get that validation in the strangest of places... maybe we are vain... in which case... having a trophy wife, nice car, six figure salary, and six-pack abs is where it's at... for others, having a party of good friends close by is the keystone... and, then... of course, there is Me...

... recently, I received my validation... my signpost that, indeed, I was traveling the correct road in life... proof that in some way, I had arrived....

.. behold, children... the ultimate gift... positive reinforcement that you ARE doing the right thing...

velocifinger_small.jpg

... heh... here's a closeup...

... there... I've got mine... I suggest you go and get your own... color me content, gentle readers... I am truly blessed...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(21) | Psycho Rants
» Velociworld links with: Outed
» Key Issues links with: Don't Sweat it Folks!
» Fistful Of Fortnights: Interviews & Essays links with: The Straight White Guy Interview

Playboy revisited...

... well... here it is... the photo of me and my two lovely Bunnies.... Tiffany and April... it should be noted, however, that they asked ME.. and, this was NOT my idea of a Halloween costume..... still, we pulled it off.... and it was a VERY enjoyable experience.... even if April did hang on a wee bit too tight at times.... poor lass... she's easily excited, after all...

gentleman_small.jpg

.. here is a larger version for you... if you so choose....

... so, out of 32 partakers, we were ruled a unanimous 4th place... we should have won... on sheer brilliance alone..... dammit... justice is just never served... woe unto those who trust a judge.. just don't do it, children.... unless you've recently signed over the family homestead in a secret meeting in his chambers..... if that's not the case?... well, it's fourth place for you then, Pally...

.. one interesting conversation was had, though.... with Biker Steve.... who, when looking at my tux, said... "Hell, you look like that every damn Wednesday night.... what's the big deal?".... but, in his defense, he hadn't seen my Bunnies yet... and, as we all know, Bunnies make all the difference...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(12) | Psycho Rants
» Jennifer's History and Stuff links with: Halloween Linkfest--Saturday Edition
» Bad Example links with: CARNIVAL OF THE PAJAMAS #6
» Mamamontezz's Mental Rumpus Room links with: Breaking News

..about town...

... in honor of my costume today... I give you some Frankie.... although, with my Martini glass prop, I seem more like Deano...

... anyway, fear not, children... photos will be forthcoming.. heh.... so, with that said... swing, Matty....

... so, yeah, Sadie... Cabana boy?... maybe...

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Halloween....

... this is the best holiday of the year... hands down.... Christmas is always a bust, and Thanksgiving is all about football.... Halloween, on the other hand, is all about bringing out that inner fiend youngster we all keep locked up... well... present company excepted, of course... you rubberneckers are ALL ABOUT getting in touch with your inner child... I mean, that IS why you are here, right?

... oh, and for all of you people who said I should be clad in silk pajamas and smoking jacket... bite me.... I am wearing the black tux, and that is that... maybe I won't be Hef after all... instead, I will simply be a Gentleman who is being tended to by his Bunnies... after all, that is what it is all about... right?....

... and before I forget... the Ladies are opting for formal-yet-sexy evening dress... accented by pink bunny ears, black bowties, and fluffy white targets tails... so, there you have it... tomorrow is the big day... we be set, children... they'll be carrying a pitcher of stirred martinis... on a silver platter... for most of the day... life is good...

... with all that said, I feel the need to mention, just in passing, the sight which I beheld upon entering my humble home this evening.... The Wife... holding, as is her evening custom, my freshly poured Scotch..... she was also wearing my black Stetson.. a red dot firmly planted between her eyes, and a silk Sari.... great bloody Hell... what IS this outfit!??!.... after further inquiry, I was informed that she intends to dress as a Cowboy AND an Indian tomorrow.... Lord, help us... she's got some wires crossed, methinks....

... Halloween, children... it is for ALL of us... enjoy it while you can...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(6) | Psycho Rants
» Jennifer's History and Stuff links with: Halloween Linkfest--Friday Edition

Platypus Sex...

.. in keeping with the fine animal-sex tradition of this site... here is an interesting article on the XXXXXXXX-rated sex life of the ALWAYS interesting Platypus....

... don't deny it, you perverts... I know you love this stuff....

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Harvest Moon...

... another fine Wednesday is in the bag, children..... last night's Social Club gathering was a real event.... for those of you tards who have had your head in the sand, a full lunar eclipse happened last night.... so, being adventurers at heart, we grabbed the old telescope, and dragged it out into the driveway.... what a sight....

... in between shooting pool, mixing drinks, and running out to check the status of the eclipse, we had a blast... Bike Steve was in rare form... for once, he didn't bring beer... so, he was on cranberry juice and gin.... a lethal concoction.... Cousin B was sipping his beers... I was on the Scotch... and, just as the eclipse reached it's zenith, the Straight White Wife arrived with pizza and chicken kickers.... hell, it doesn't get much better than that....

... although tame... as far as Wednesday meetings are concerned, three drunks... standing in the dark... trying to locate the moon in a telescope.... well, we did have some comedic moments... but, it was worth the effort... good friends, good weather, good booze... and, good food.... and thus passed another meeting of the Eagle Glen Social Club... with an eclipse of the Harvest Moon...

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Living the Dream...

... I stand before you rubberneckers, a proud, proud man....

... what brought on this fit of self-love?.... quite interesting, actually.... see, every Halloween, the peeps at work don frightening costumes, and wander around the office pretending to do work.... some years, it is surreal... others, it is just plain hilarious.... but, no matter what, it's always one Hell of an interesting day... all of the retards who show up in costume are judged... and, in the spirit of grand public humiliation, the winner gets a fresh c-note....

... well, I had planned to wear my cream silk Punjabi.... a Mad Mullah being a frightening thing indeed.... but, I just got THE CALL... the girls in one of the departments have decided to come dressed as Playboy Bunnies... two blondes.... and, check it, people... they've just asked me to be Hefner... they want me to "ESCORT" them... ooohhhh, yeah.... to steal Velociman's line.... who's your Daddy, indeed....

... time to dust off the old tuxedo, and take it to the cleaners... but, you know... maybe I'm just a weak man... and, I'm looking at this all wrong.... then again, they did make me an offer I just couldn't refuse...

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Beating a Snake..

... on my way to Nashville on Sunday, my Sainted Mother told me a story from her childhood..... we were bored... and hey, it's a long ride to Nashville...

... that being said, this story was quite different... not exactly your normal "up hill, both ways" kinda thing... she, of course, swears it is true... and, I've since asked her siblings for verification... all of them 'fessed up... so, dear ones, what you are about to hear is true... in the colloquial.. if not, 100% in the empirical senses...

... back about 1960, the core family members were sitting around having dinner one Sunday afternoon.... the kitchen door lead out onto the back porch... the back yard was filled with cherry and apple trees... with woods, and a barn beyond... the storm door was propped open to allow a balmy Southern breeze to drift through their small house.... peaceful, and serene...

... as they were finishing up dinner, a 6-foot blacksnake slithered up from the lawn, and through the screen door into the kitchen... much pandemonium ensued... three screeching daughters, a wailing wife, and a WWII combat veteran scrabbling around attempting to throttle a wayward reptile... eventually, it was cornered under a book case... battered by brooms and mops, it gave up the foray into the house, and headed back to the kitchen and escape...

... now, children... here is where it gets interesting.... once the snake was on the back porch, my Grandfather broke a switch off a nearby cherry tree... and, while the poor snake was coiled in fear, he began whipping it with the switch.... the snake convulsed... twisted.... turned... and, here comes the real bullshit moment.... after a few mighty whacks, it raised up like a cobra... and cried like a baby..... yeah... you heard that right.... I'm not talking tears here... just the sound of a crying baby... ole Grandpa kept whipping it, and the snake just took the beating... all the while bleating like a newborn...

... strange shit, people... even stranger that my Aunts all, as witnesses, agree.... perhaps it is the result of mass snake-induced hysteria... I just don't know.... but, here is the question... first off, why'd Grandpa WHIP a snake?... why not just dispatch it with a nearby hoe, or shovel?.... secondly... aren't snakes incapable of making a noise?... no vocal cords, right?... and, thirdly... what the hell?... why on EARTH would anyone make up such a crazy-assed story as that?.... anyway, there you have it... The Story of the Crying Snake.... weird, indeed....

... kinda reminds me of that line from Lou Reed's song... "The Last Great American Whale".... "my Mother said she saw him in Chinatown.. but, you can't always trust your Mother"...

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Quote of the Day...

... taking a leap away from the normal flakes of goodness you find here.... today's Quote comes from a serious news source... with some serious characters... the ACLU... FBI... CNN... big guns... and yet, tis the ACLU weenie who wins today's prize by spouting thusly...

"We are trying to get much greater sunshine over these activities," said ACLU attorney John Crew."

... so congratulations, Asshelmet Sunshine...

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Vacation....

... damn.... the Wife just bounced down the hallway... and, she was humming... humming, children... always a bad sign...

... I could have SWORN it was that song from Pink Floyd's The Wall... you know the one... where the giant ass points to the ragdoll... and screams... "he's been caught red-handed showing FEELINGS... feelings of an almost HUMAN nature...".. I was buzzed, people... freaked, and buzzed... see, we have a lot of firearms around the house... so, I thought I was in for it...

... so, as meekly as I possibly could, I called through from the blogroom... "you been listening to Pink Floyd today, dear?.. I hear you humming"...

... "No, no.." says she.... "The Beach Boys!"... WTF, gentle readers.. The Beach Boys??.... and then, I hear it... I hear that soft Scots lilt begin the chorus.... "Aruba, Jamaica.. OOHH, I wanna take ya!"...

... then, I got it... amazing how the mind works, eh?.... however... our vacation is coming up in two weeks... where are we going?... Aruba?.. Bahamas?... C'mon Pretty Mammas?.... nope... friggin SCOTLAND.. in NOVEMBER... sweet Jesus... there shall be no swimming on THIS holiday... and, anyone in a bikini will be instantly hypothermic upon walking out the door.... people, Scotland in November is not a vacation... it's a death sentence..... somehow, this is all just so very, very wrong...

... our vacation is coming... and, while conjuring up scenes of beaches and bikinis... the cold, hard truth of the matter is coal fires, Wellingtons, and the In-Laws.... at least, AT LEAST there will be mulled wine, and fine single malt... otherwise, I'd just shoot myself now....

.. yes, people... in two weeks, I am taking a vacation.... pity me.... anyone want to guestblog?.. I may be some time....

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Frustrated...

... I'm off to Nashville for the day... but, in the mean time.... head on over to Sadie's place... and help the poor lass out... a frustrated Sadie is a bad, bad thang... and, gentlemen... or, gentleladies... it's our civic blogosphere duty to ensure she dampens those sheets.... soon...

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Alex Karras...

.. a few years ago, I bought an autographed picture of ole Alex... it was of him riding that Brahma Bull down the street in Blazing Saddles...

... when I took it to the shop to get it framed, I just couldn't resist having them add a typed tagline to put just below the photo... simple, yet poignant... touching, even...

... "Mongo only pawn in game of life"...

... Blazing Saddles.. there is wisdom there, children....

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Blogfest 2006...

... the Eagle Glen Social Club was in fine session Wednesday evening... and, I rocked.... however, I learned a valuable lesson.... when playing "winner holds the table"... do not win ALL of the games... it's just plain bad manners.... and, after two hours, your guests have a tendency to pull a Cartman on you.... "Screw you guys, I'm going home"... thus, although I enjoyed the hell out of it, Biker Steve and his friend left quite early.... heh..

... this, of course, left me able to retire early, and re-watch that classic of American Culture... The Breakfast Club.... yeah, I know... but, hell... it's worth watching just for that short glimpse of Ringwald's pink panties... I must admit though, Sheedy is more my type... even before she was cleaned up.... there's just something about that angry, mysterious, violent, geek-chick nymphomaniac with dark hair that just APPEALS to me...

...anyway, since our orgy on the Chattahoochee, I must admit that I have been a wee bit delicate... it seems that things are slowly working their way back to normal... I mean at least I've stopped burping up apple-flavored lava...

... so, to the point... I know that some people are already setting plans afoot for another meet-up... locales are being bandied.... I have to admit, I've no dog in this race... Nawlins is as good as any for the Spring... but, with some late breaking news... might I suggest Vegas?....

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Slight Differences...

... yeah, yeah... my site was busted yesterday... I'm sure you two were really bored without me... anyway, I just stumbled upon this wonderful article about re-making movies... and, their ever-so-slight nuances of change...

"In the kiddie version, children fantasize about seeing juicy gumdrops and getting Everlasting Gobstoppers. In the XXX version, men fantasize about juicy buttocks and everlasting lap dances. Nevertheless, in both films, viewers project themselves into these fantastical situations to obtain a kind of "sweet" gratification. "

... honestly, I have a confession... I have not seen either movie... ever... I promise.... but, I thought it might amuse YOU rubberneckers...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(6) | Psycho Rants
» Key Issues links with: Porn

Social Club...

.. the gathering is starting... be back later... heh...

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Wonders never cease...

... every day, I am continually amazed... take today, for instance... while scrolling my newsreader, a familiar name is seen... The Hedgehog, himself... what's he up to now?... what new buxom starlet is he busily banging?... what new lewd act is he pulling on a willing 21 year old nymph?.... no such luck, people... heh... wait for it....

.... what is Mr. Jeremy up to?.... why, he is addressing the Philosophical Society of Trinity College, Dublin....

... dammit... life just isn't fair....

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Pain...

... I just got a call from the Little Brother... damn, what a trooper... after 4 days in ICU, and 3 more on a morphine drip... he's finally back to the world of the living... the bad news is, it was 14 spots this time... his left lung, instead of the right... arm deep, children... arm deep.. he told me that he reckoned his scar will be almost 24 inches long... vice the 14 inch one on his right side.... an angel who had his wings removed... heh... he mentioned that again tonight.... well, an angel he most certainly is not... but, he's still my lil bro...

... here's the kicker... when I inquired about his meds... what did he say?... fucking tylox... every four hours... goddamnit... if he were a dog, the stinking SPCA would be livid.. but, he's not a dog...

... anyway... with that said.... Peace, my Brother.... I'd take it for you, if I could... hang in there....

Sleepwalking Sex?...

... ok, people... while I feel sorry for her and her partner, I am hereby putting out the International Bullshit Call on this story... sleepwalking, my ass....

"Sleep medicine experts have successfully treated a rare case of a woman having sex with strangers while sleepwalking."

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Bloody Hell...

... a few more thoughts on the blogfest.. then, I'll stop... I promise... that is, until the pictures show up tomorrow....

... a hearty thanks goes to Geoffrey and Gordon for the Clam Chowder... having fresh Boston Chowder hand delivered to the North Georgia mountains was a real treat.. and, thank you... oh, and I promise to leave my knife at home next time we get together..


... next up.. Denny stole my bed AND my room... Grouchy indeed... the LAST thing I expected to see after closing down the bar with Ken, Aubrey, Gordon, and Geoffrey was a nekkid cripple in my bed when I got home... and, I must say, that damn fig leaf was a nice touch.... see Kelley's audio blog for further details.. still, Denny played my Fender MUCH better than I could... so, all is forgiven..

... and, also.. I owe Dax a thank you... I am now the proud owner of the first assembly line production of the Zellmillernator... hell, it has pride of place on my mantle piece as we speak.... but, Dax... as a favor.. please... NEVER give me the dregs of the Apple Brandy again... that was the straw, man.. and, my back ain't been the same since....

... Acidman.. you magnificent bastard... thanks for letting me harmonize screech along side you during "He Went to Paris".. and, thanks for not smacking me upside the head when I recited read "The Ballad of Blasphemous Bill".... Mamma, I hope you liked it... it ain't going to happen again..... that was a one off... just for you... and, Catfish... I'm glad you bought a Service book... read, and enjoy, man...

... Key, Velociman, and Kelley.. I trust that stroking your hair was not too out-of-line... as for me, I enjoyed every minute of it.... still, what is done... well, it is done.. but, you have to admit.. you enjoyed it...

... Laughing Wolf.. man, I am sorry for the Loch Tay incident.... word, brother.. I shall practice more before next time....

... Jim... Ken... good God... what were you people thinking.... not only did you come down and survive, you THRIVED... I have a totally new view of Jerseyites now... you guys rocked...

.. Zonker.. you showed up with two cartons of cigarettes.... man, that is just too fucking cool... even though you don't smoke, you had the correct peace offering... sorry I got too drunk to talk with you very much.. hey, man... it happens....

... Mr Crawford, Sir... Half-Rubber is for the damn birds... I am sore from head to toe... you bastard.... next time I meet you, I'll show you what to do with that bat....

.. Aubrey, you are a bad influence, man.... Evil White Guy, indeed... if I'm ever in Texass, we're hooking up again..

... oh, and Sam... you may not have been there... but, your spirits were.. and, that's what counted, my brother... Just Damn!...

... thanks again, to BryanH of Redneck Ramblings... although much hard booze was consumed, each beer downed was cool.. all thanks to you and your Koozies.... you da man...

... Kenny and Barbara... what can I say?.. you are two fine peeps... and, it was a pleasure to mix you guys up some appletinis..

... Rick and Georgia.... when I grow up, I want to be just like you guys...

... and finally... to Chip... the "fan".... single.. solitary.... standing coolly... mountain-like... at the corner of the bar watching us act crazy.... poor guy...

... in the end, I think the highlight of Blogtoberfest was manifold... I got to meet some new friends.. re-meet some old ones... but, I can't just pick one action.. one episode.... one debased act of cruelty love.... but, I know this... I am thankful for having been there... and, I can't wait till next year...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(8) | Psycho Rants
» Key Issues links with: Let's Do This

I'm Back...

... oh, the shame... the shame.... still, I done it, and I have the friggin tee-shirt.. what a blast...

... a more sordid scene has never been witnessed in the history of Helen, Georgia.. that's all I'm saying.... but, when faced with such a crowd of fine individs, well... one must wade in.. and children, we got hip deep....

... by the way, the Straight White Wife is now an AVID blog reader... you people should be ashamed of yourselves....

UPDATE: .... Kelley has a snap of Velociman and I... vibrating... hey, that was pretty early on... and, we were in a bar called The TROLL... bloggers hanging out in The Troll?.. yep...

UPDATE: ... Velociman arrived home safely... however, whenever he posts about shoehorning, beware... and, Aubrey is in Atlanta... safe and sound... in my defense... he bit me first...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(13) | Psycho Rants
» Evilwhiteguy's Blog links with: The Aftermath...
» The Laughing Wolf links with: What A Good Weekend
» Mirthful Ones links with: Gluttony, Sloth, and a Few Others
» Parkway Rest Stop links with: An Excellent Jawja Adventure.
» Dog Snot Diaries links with: Let's set the record straight....

Gone...

... it is time... Lord, help us.. I'm SO looking forward to this...

.. and, just remember, people... we ARE the people our parents warned us about...

.. heh... if I am alive, I'll see you Sunday...

.. later, gentle ones...

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Hot Damn...

... sorry, children... no time now.... opening presents... reading cards... eating chili... sharpening swords... preparing the trunk-based portable bar for the Audi... and, packing.... blogtoberfest arriveth.. in full glory.. come the morn...

... how is wish... how I wish you were here... heh... g'night...

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Nearly Empty...

... have you ever arrived at that strange place in the evening... where... upon deciding to do a tequila shot... you notice that the bottle is almost empty... and yet, knowing you will be getting up at 5AM does not matter... somehow, the urge to stow a nearly empty bottle... well, it just doesn't seem right... so, glasses are lined up... the bottle is emptied.... and, a few more shots than were originally planned are downed... I have...

.... in short, a good night was had by the Social Club... and yes, 5AM came early....

... Update: the girls just called and sang Happy Birthday over the speaker phone... good grief.... still, their hearts are in the right place...

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Mellow Down Easy...

.... after listening to ZZ Top for the past two hours, I'm in the mood for something completely different.... hell, the guys will be here any minute... after all, The Social Club is gathering this evening.... so... while I pour myself another drink, I'll spare you the Texas Chainsaws.... and, instead.... leave you with a flavor you might like.... hey, sue me... it's Wednesday Night...

... heh... the doorbell just went... they are here.... so, to poorly misquote Dr. Oates..... "I'm just going outside, children... and, I may be some time"....

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(1) | Psycho Rants
» Mamamontezz's Mental Rumpus Room links with: Blogfest Update

Paying Up...

... indeed.... today's sticky Quote of the Day comes from Psychiatrist McPike... one twisted sumbitch...

During questioning, McPike reportedly said, "What do you expect me to do, throw away good money?"

... woe betide those needing counseling in Des Moines..

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The Soundtrack...

... I swear, people.... singing must be the purest form of expression.... I spent some time thinking about my dream today.... and, although I will provide no details for you perverts.... I will offer this tiny tidbit.... one thing that DID resound through the first dream... and, it was the voice of Margo Timmins... ala The Cowboy Junkies... she was singing a song out of Patsy Cline's bag... and, she was melting it.... Walking After Midnight.... That song is killer anyway, but Margo just crushes it.. squeezes out the meaning, and throws away the husk... I swear, she kills me...

... I first heard this song after being awake for 39 hours straight.. I was a total walking zombie... freshly debriefed, and awaiting billeting for the night at an airbase... I was standing there... waiting for the fat Tech Sgt. behind the counter to assign me a room... and, that is when, I heard it... softly streaming from one of the half-asleep Zoomie's rooms... Ms. Timmins was tearing it up...and, ever since then, Margo's version of this song never fails to get a reaction... hell, I think I fell in love at that moment... if only, with her voice... singing... it can get to you...

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Peace and Quiet...

... ever wonder what your computer gets up to at night?...

... well, wonder no more, my rubberneckers....

... hat tip to Charlie for the link...

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A Dream...

... ok... after a year of blogging, it finally happened... and, I'm not quite sure how to take it... so, I guess I'll just come right out and blame the Double Benadryl with Scotch-chaser that I had right before hitting the rack.... anyway, there is no easy way to say this... so, I must be blunt

... last night, I had a dream about bloggers... actually, three distinct dreams...

... and, all I can tell you at this time is this... no details shall be forthcoming... but, you ALL should be ashamed of yourselves...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(12) | Psycho Rants
» Mirthful Ones links with: Enter Stage Left

Sweet Labor....

... I just got home from work... weak, and confused... weary from a day of long and cryptic conversations... and, people were mowing my lawn... hot damn...

... listen, gentle ones.... friggin HARK... do you hear that?... no?... listen closer.... what you are hearing is the sound of me listening to Dean Martin, sipping a Scotch, and watching others labor in my name.... this is a truly sweet moment.... oh yes... damn, this is where it's at... no more dressing as a third-world revolutionary for me... let the 18 year olds have at it.... hell, this is MY birthday week... I deserve a treat..

... you know, I'd planned on getting myself a new HK USP .45 ACP as a suitable substitute for my newfound lack of 31 years... but, watching this scene... hell, it almost makes up for it... I'll get the HK for Christmas....

.. presents come in all shapes... and sizes...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(16) | Psycho Rants
» Bad Example links with: BELATED B-DAY WISHES TO...
» Bad Example links with: I THINK STRAIGHT WHITE ERIC'S GETTING OLD

Thoughts on Sucking...

... now, THIS is a post.... yep, you can see why he IS da Bitterman...

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An Education...

... I knew I missed out by not attending an Ivy League University....

... check this out... hot damn, children...

... you guys can keep your Debate live-blogging... I want to live-blog Yale's Naked Party....

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5 more days...

... the time is drawing nigh, children.... the gathering is about to start.. sweet Kelley is so excited she's just about to bust... Lila too, is right there... as for me, I too, am getting excited... however, it is dawning on me that... well... many of us bloggers who will be gathering in the dark Georgia Mountains to party-down... well, we might not know where to start... so, here are a few helpful hints for the upcoming Blogtoberfest...

... number one.. .if you are a Veteran, you'd better have your challenge coin... I'll have mine... and, I like to drink.. word...

... number two.. if you are a male.. and, you are bringing a significant peripheral... you are well warned to keep them away from Rob, and Adam.. I'd say Kim too, but I'm sure Mrs. Velociman will keep him on a short leash... hell, on second thought, keep them away from Kim too... I, on the other hand, am quite harmless...

... number three.. do not mention SEC Football under any circumstances... this will cause mass pandemonium.. and, quite likely, some bloodshed... and, the last thing we want is the Chattahoochee River flowing with blood this close to Halloween...

... number four... Hillbilly, Cracker, and Redneck jokes should be fired out quite a bit... early on... but, they should be strictly prohibited after the evening whistle sounds... once again.. this is done in the interest of public safety... drunk Hillbillies, Crackers, and Rednecks can be wily and mean after a douse of alcohol...

... number five... under no circumstances should you EVER say anything along the lines of.... "I haven't seen this many Yankees in Georgia since Sherman waltzed through".... again, gentle ones, this will likely cause instantaneous combustion of a few bloggers... and, a severely violent action from a few others... hey, I am here to help...

... number six... if Dax offers you a Red Headed Slut, take it.... trust me.. also, if there is any Georgia or Tennessee 'shine present... be brave, little ones... you'll thank yourself for it later...

... number seven... Do NOT talk to Key about spanking, Blood Mountain, or Dahlonega... she gets quite blustery when she's flustered... and, although it is a thing of beauty, it is also quite startling...

... number eight... after the evening whistle, ask Kelley to sing a duet of "Bobby McGhee" with Georgia... again, children, this cannot be done often enough... with enough liquor, those two can sing the house down....

... number nine... Acidman's hair is SILVER... not gray.... Do not make the same mistake I made at Caruso's Pub.. word, my babies... SILVER....

... and, finally... number ten... enjoy yourselves... we are all here because we want to be together... so, have a few drinks... roll with the punches... enjoy the laughter... and, prepare for some good times.... I can't wait for October 15th, and the chance to meet some old friends... and, some new ones...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(15) | Psycho Rants
» Gut Rumbles links with: blogtoberfest
» Key Issues links with: ATTENTION BLOGMEET ATTENDEES
» Dog Snot Diaries links with: The Great Yankee Invasion
» Dog Snot Diaries links with: Blogtoberfest
» suburban blight links with: La Lista:
» Parkway Rest Stop links with: Blogtoberfest Begins Tomorrow!

IT Humor...

... so much for naming my three servers Johnny, Bravo, and Elvis...

... this is a much better idea...

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Ode....

.... to Acidman.. Velociman... Key... and, Dax.....

all the best to you and yours, my friends..

UPDATE.. if it is any small consolation.... I posted this at halftime... sorry, guys..... into each life.... well, a little rain must fall....
.. peace, my brothers and sisters.... peace be upon you.. I know this is bitter.. but, all things will pass... so... sit back and enjoy the song.... you are all incredible...

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Another Festival...

... as you snapperheads know by now, next weekend will kick off Blogtoberfest... where, with any luck, we shall succeed in having a good time... and not strangling each other... if the Vols mount Uga today, I shall fear for my life in Helen... if, on the other hand, Georgia whomps UT with a fiery vengance, I shall just grin.. sheepishly... by the Chattahoochee, and take my lumps...

... but October, it seems, is a month chocked full of nutty goodness... behold, children... another festival of notable mention...

... thanks, Drunken Wisdom, for pointing this out...

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Vandalism...

... I did a bad, bad thing... I assisted in a plain, everyday mean-spirited hate crime... that's what it was, people... unbridled College Football aggression... foul, and uncalled for.... take this poor unsuspecting Bulldog fan that I work with, for instance...

His Truck

... like I said... un-sportsmanlike... uncivilized... and ungentlemanly behavior...

and, unfortunately, again

... still, it was pretty damn funny.... extremely lame... but funny... hell, we had as much fun doing the vandalizing... as HE did tearing all that crap OFF...

.. man, you've just GOTTA love SEC Football...

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A Quote...

... is there any truth in this?...

"A beauty is a woman you notice; A charmer is one who notices you." - Adlai Stevenson

... maybe it's all in the perspective...

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When Cats Attack...

.... dammit.. I wasn't going to mention one of the things that happened last night at the Social Club... but, I just walked out on the deck to enjoy my first Scotch of the evening... and what did I see?... a pile of blood-soaked feathers from the species Zenaida Macroura.... right there in a pile.. on my fucking DECK... that is it, children... I have had it...

.... yesterday, as we all finished our first drinks in the den... we slowly began to wander towards the garage... Biker Steve... first out the door... commented thusly.... "Jesus, Eric... you been playing with your sword again?... who the hell diced up this mouse?"...

... people... a tiny mouse.. an innocent mouse... or, well.. the remains of one... was there beside the pool table... a head... an ass.. a pool of solidified blood... and a rather large pile of mouse shit... originally, I thought it was guts... but, no... it was mouse shit... not droppings... pre-dropping intestinal shit... it was totally disgusting... Fred, or Ginger had been naughty... I wasn't sure which... but, as Fred was the only one around, I gave him a swift kick as I headed over to the stereo... he squealed, and skedaddled... then, I scooped up the offensive material, and flung it into the woods... after all, I'd rather have the lawn-lurking fireants eat THAT than sending recon missions into the pantry for my bagels....anyway... just now on the deck, Fred was begging me for a stroke... sorry, Fred, you evil bastard... nothing doing, pal... quit killing stuff, you little bastard... or, at least when you kill it... eat every last scrap...

... Cats... they are the damn assault weapons of Mammalia.. dangerous to their very core.... slaying anything.. and, everything that they can.... and, before you lecture me... let me just say this to all you cat owners... if YOU were the size of a rabbit, Snuggums would be having YOU for dinner.. and that is a FACT... so, remember that the next time he's sitting in your lap purring...

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IM'ing...

... the Social Club meeting was held without incident last night.... Scotch was consumed in acceptable quantities... and, everyone left with the same number of fingers and toes they had when they arrived...... however, when taking leave of the table for minor breaks, shots of Patron were downed... and, even once, an Appletini..... thusly, the basic food groups of my Wednesday Nighters was present... in however small nips... Scotch, Tequila, and Vodka... of thee, I sing, children.... and a good time was had by all...

... prior to my guests arriving, I had the pleasure of adding some cheer to good ole Sadie's day... hey, reaching out, that's what it's all about... but, as I have started to realize, IM'ing just ain't my bag.... my noggin doesn't work fast enough, it seems... and my typing speed leaves a bit to be desired... c'est la vie..

... in other blognews... Velociman is stepping with some Tall Dogs... and, blogdaughter Christina is seizing the moment....

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Luuka's Hiwassee Trip...

... a few days ago, I told you all about heading up to the mountains to kick back with some friends.... well, since today is Wednesday here at the Eagle Glen Social Club... blogging shall be thin this evening... I shall be partaking of some adult beverages... shooting some pool... and, just generally. celebrating the fact that half of the workweek is behind me....

... anyway, I don't know if I'd mentioned it or not, but I took Luuka the Everyday Bear with me on my adventure.... here are the results...

... right from the very beginning, she was in her element, children... word... bears really, REALLY like the forest.... I took this photo while the ole A4 was hugging the curves and dips of the road to Reliance, TN.... by the way, see those curves?... THIS is a fun road to drive... and, no... Luuka doesn't get carsick... she kept wanting me to go FASTER....

drive_small.JPG

... here's a big one...

... next up, we stopped at this little store.... it was straight out of a history book... well.. or, maybe Mayberry..

store_small.JPG

... here's a better view...

... to enjoy this view....

hiwassee_small.JPG

... ok, ok.. here's a bigger one...

... then, we pressed on into the National Forest...

forest_small.JPG

..here's a close-up of Luuka chillin'...

... once we arrived at camp, Luuka fell in love with the "Cowboy"... hey, she said, "I LOVE everything Texan.. and, Cowboy's are HOTTT".. he tried to explain that he was an Alabamite.... well, to Luuka, he still qualified... I tried to keep telling her he wasn't a REAL Cowboy... and, she'd snap back at me.... (while wiping rivulets of drool from her chin)... "he's close enough, dammit!... he's close enough for ME!".... I tell you... I don't know how Helen kept this girl in line back in Europe...

... anyway, Kenny and the Cowboy kept her entertained with their crooning for a while... and, she enjoyed Barbara's company too... both of them seemed to love being around Cowboys and Kenny... go figure....

music_small.JPG

... here... this one has more important details... with arrows..

... finally, as we began to depart... Luuka inquired as to the location of the little-girl-bear's room... uh huh... you got it, people... she was in for a disappointment...

luuka_small.JPG

...so... what is the answer that age old question?... yes, Virginia... yes... and, the Pope is Catholic too... or, so I am told...

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An Honest Judge...

... a little tense?... hmm... yeah, I thought so... what can you do to ease it?.. Justice Scalia says.... well, "Let's GET IT ON"....

"He is the conservative bastion of the US supreme court, a favourite of President Bush, and a hunting partner of the vice-president. He has argued vociferously against abortion rights, and in favour of anti-sodomy laws.

But it turns out that there is another side to Justice Antonin Scalia: he thinks Americans ought to be having more orgies. "

... remember, children... vote Republican... we are the Party of choice...

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Organ Donation...

... I am more than willing to donate my organs when I die... whatever organs of mine that aren't worn out, that is... and, personally, just as a warning... I wouldn't recommend getting in line for my liver... but, the key is... wait till I'm DEAD...

"I think it (the organ donation) was done in good faith. ... But the standard has me thinking about taking the organ donation card off my license," Young said. "I don't mind donating organs if I'm dead, but I want to be dead first."

... Mr. Young, I couldn't agree more...

... props to loyal reader Charlie for the heads-up...

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Early...

... I arrived at work early this morning... starting at 0600... driving the commute on country roads in the dark..... a bit early... but still, sometimes it is better to schedule tasks when no one else is around... and, today was a day like that... anyway, I just stepped out for a cigarette... and people, what a sight.... purple mountains.... robin's egg blue sky... a late-harvest moon shining bright at 12 O'clock high... and, the sun coming up over the river.... even with a slight chill in the air, it was an incredible scene... sometimes getting up early has it's benefits....

... hot coffee... a cigarette... and a mountain sunrise... today will be a good day...

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Bad News...

... while most of us guys have been searching for the infamous G-spot most of our meaningless lives... what news is found to cheer us?.... what cattle prod is present for our drives?... the news that there are FOUR of them... damn, people... I AM depressed... I haven't even found the FIRST one yet..... well... on second thought... there was that one time... but, it was an accident... but, all that is erased by the mention that.. instead of the one.. single... solitary pearl of female heaven... there are THREE MORE that I failed to find.... damn...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(10) | Psycho Rants
» Gut Rumbles links with: pervert!
» Mirthful Ones links with: Say It Ain't So!
» Wasted Days, Wasted Nites links with: How Many??

Flattery...

... it will get you nowhere?... hardly... quite frankly, it will get you everywhere....

... hey, sue me... I'm not accustomed to this... let me bask for a moment...

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Sam McGee

.... no blogging tonight.. I just finished chatting with the blogdaughter... and, I'm all out of creative juice.... so, here is a small treat for you... yeah, yeah... more Robert Service.... hey, it's that time again.... here is The Cremation of Sam McGee.... listen, I know you rubberneckers don't actually READ it... so, I have to SPOON feed it to you... anyway, I love this one.... deal with it...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(8) | R W Service
» Mamamontezz's Mental Rumpus Room links with: BlogtoberFest

Creativity...

... yesterday, I drove up into the Cherokee National Forest, and had lunch by the Hiwassee River... played a little music, and had a few beers... the weather was crisp... but, not cold... Summer was still fighting its best to hang on... there were even times when the sunshine was actually a bit too warm, and we had to move our chairs into the shade... the campsite was perfect, too... surrounded by large wild cherry trees... and sycamores... the leaves of which had just started to turn a bright yellow from the cool evenings...

... when I arrived at camp, there was no one there... so, I just pulled up a chair, and started playing.... after about 15 minutes, Ken and Barbara appeared... they'd been out for an early afternoon stroll up one of the trails... and, it wasn't log before Ken dragged out his guitar, and began accompanying...

... sitting there under the shade of the sycamores playing... it was a real treat... but, neither Ken nor I are very good entertainers... enthusiastic, yes... polished, no... but, we love playing music regardless... about half an hour later, two cowboys show up at a campsite a few yards away... they pull out a guitar, and start harmonizing... well, musicians are social creatures... so, it didn't take long for them to wander over to our campfire, and introduce themselves... so, there we sat.. the four of us... and we played for 3 hours..

... what is it about a musician that makes them forego any of the normal day-to-day frivolities of "getting to know someone"... and, instead, just show up with their guitar, and say... "hey, I'm Mark... I saw you guys playing... mind if I join you?"... music just seems to bond people together... and, in my mind, it is one of the purest forms of creativity.. you, and an instrument... and, at the time, nothing else matters...

... when we had a lull in the playing, one of the cowboys asked if either of us had any material we had written... I spoke up, and said that I had written a tune, but had never put lyrics with it... and, that's when it happened... instantly, one of the cowboys grabbed a pencil and paper, and said.. "well, let's write some lyrics.. do you want a drinking song, a sad song, a love song... give me an idea, and I'll write it for you..." now, children... this totally took me by surprise.. hell, he hadn't even HEARD the tune...anyway, I told him I wanted a sad love song... then, I played the tune for him... the other cowboy began trying to learn my tune, and was playing along...

... and, here's the thing... within 10 minutes, they were playing and SINGING my song.. I couldn't believe it... it was incredible... it was a level of creativity that I had never seen before... me, I have never even tried to write lyrics to my tune... I just enjoyed playing it... and, sitting there beside the river, a tune that I've been working on for 8 years, suddenly was fleshed out... and had a new meaning...

... today, sitting here having my coffee... I was going over that scene in my mind... and, I thought to myself... do bloggers do that?... I sure don't.... do you look at your screen, and say... ok, today I am going to fisk the latest presidential debate... or, today I am going to tell a story from my past... and then, sit in your blogchair tying to think of something.... I mean, in other words, can you write on DEMAND... give me a topic, and I'll write a post... do you do that?.... I don't... I don't think I could...hell, I never know what I'm going to write until I sit down at the keyboard... still, yesterday was an eye-opener... I was shown a whole new level of creativity...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(9) | SWG Stories
» Gut Rumbles links with: yes, I can
» Tammi's World links with: Finding What's Lost

Football...

... UGA the VI is one ugly sonofabitch... still, with that said, the Dawgs just bent the Tigers over, and PLOWED them... payback, indeed.... word, people... someone just lost a case of Shiner...

Update: were I a betting man, I'd lay considerable money that Mr. Jackson's days are numbered as a LSU kicker... not that it mattered that he missed, of course... but, still... damn, man...

Update: ... I swear... I'm 63 miles from Knoxville, and my windows are vibrating from the noise at Neyland...

Update: ... Fuck...

Update: ... I swear.. I shall never buy a Caddilac as long as I live... and, that is the truth.. never....

Update: ... if Erin Andrews had glasses, I'd burn my house, vanish, and become a stalker... oh, and fuck..

Update: ... Godammit...

Update: ... DAMMIT... fuck a bunch of War Eagles.....

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Field Trip...

... I'm heading out to the mountains today, gentle readers... I have been invited to play guitar, grill steaks, and drink beer on the banks of the Hiwassee River... and, I just can't turn a deal like that down... but, of course, I'll be back long before the Vols meet Auburn at Neyland... I wouldn't miss that for anything... if the Vols kick ass, this could turn out to be a very interesting season for the Orange and White...

... anyway, I'm looking at today's adventure as a practice round for Blogtoberfest.. when, as is the plan, we'll be drinking beer, and playing music on the banks of the Chattahoochee.. oh, and swordfighting... and half-rubber... and... uh.. other stuff... heh... I'm off to practice...

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Evocative...

...I was just answering an email, when I heard the horn of a CSX diesel ring out... I froze... the crossing is off in the distance... and, when they blow at that particular crossing, it creates a ghostly sound here... it is only about a mile from my house, and the distance subdues the horn.. chases it down, and wraps it into a ball of vibrating memory... but still, I just heard it.. and, it blasted me...

... the thing is, 5 minutes ago, the geese flew over, and their honking had caused me to scurry out to the deck to watch them.. three perfect V formations following each other... a beautiful sight.. and, a call in the air that I always enjoy..

... see, in these evenings.. in this quiet time of mine... outside noises sometimes manage to penetrate the house.... later on this evening, when the television is playing, we will be oblivious to everything outside... but, just now, the tables are turned.... and, I heard the train...

... tis a strange thing... as if it were yesterday... I can remember my Father coming home from work... covered in dirt and sweat.... popping me up onto his knee, and telling me his tales... usually, they involved his workday... or, as he was away quite a bit, his work-week.... rebuilding a switch.. running alongside a rock train for 15 miles... fixing an Engine burn.. re-pointing a frog... I was enthralled... 100%.... Hell, even the place-names where he worked stoked my imagination....

.. Harriman... John Sevier Yard.... Coster Shop... Kingston... Jellico... Royal Blue... Ooltewah... Strawberry Plains... Chattanooga... Clinton..... to me, they still sound as exotic as some of the places I've traveled... and, yet... they are less than 100 miles from my new home...

... those places, my Father described to me... every day... for years...

... now, when I hear the train?.. I find myself somehow afraid of running out to greet the noise of it... I am afraid..... and, I am ashamed of myself...

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I'm Fair...

... when all else fails, dick around with your sidebar picture... I must admit, I'm having a lot of fun messing with it... sure, it's childish... I know that... but, hey... what do you expect from me?... great works of literature?.. educated insights into the finer workings of humanity?... hell, no... you rubberneckers expect to come here and see me tweaking my sidebar... admit it...

... anyway, since I busted some people's chops with my Magic Anagram Creator... I figure that in the spirit of fairness, I should point the all-seeing eye a little closer to home....

Straight White Guy
Ugh! Weighty Artist... bite me, I'm under 200... this warty, huge git... them's fighting words.... Ugh! Hitler's gay wit... damn, that is enough of that...
..ok... how about this one....

Eric the SWG
screw eight... heh.. eight what?.... grew ethics... hardly.... we gets rich... I'm SO down wit dat....


... there, I hope you are happy... see, I play fair.. oh, and by the way... Us Hendersons?... what did the all-seeing eye find?... Horses 'n' Nudes, my man....

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Who's yo Daddy?...

... I'm so happy, children, I could just bust... what is it that brings a beaming grin to my ugly mug this morning?... what is it that's putting that extra spring in my step?... the extra zip in my hips?.... well, good news, people... I've got my first Blogchild... and, she's a GIRL...

...Feisty Repartee, indeed... that's my girl...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(5) | Psycho Rants
» Random Fate links with: New kid on the block