A Tribute...

... do any of you guys ever remember that first BIG LINK you got?.. I do... it was from Mr. Kim du Toit... hell, I'd only been blogging for about two weeks, and he managed to find my post on Reservists.... go here, and search for the word "Reservist", if you are interested in reading it....

... anyway, Kim is right about this... in a way... in another way, I disagree... I saw the Rolling Stones in Atlanta two years ago, and it was incredible... not just for the historical aspect of what we were seeing.... but, we also had 6 hotties.. about 19 years old... standing in the row in front of us... Brittney cut jeans, people... and each of them had a letter on their chest.. which, when the six little lovelies were standing ass-to-ass, spelled out S T O N E S.... well, what am I to say?... it was a definite moment, children... one for the books...

... but, to cut to the proverbial chase... for Mr. du Toit... offer a gift.. and, a much belated thank you for my first link from a blogger that I had read every day before starting my own blog...

... and, with that, thanks Kim...

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Anagram Insights...

.... I just downloaded a nifty little tool.... and, I had no idea at the time, but it seems to have some sort of psychic abilities... so, as you do, I decided to point it's all-seeing eye at a few fellow blog-travelers.... spooky shit, gentle readers.... behold the fruits of the Magic Anagram Creator, children...

Uptown Girl
growl input... indeed.... girl won't up?... dammit... low grip nut?.. maybe sometimes...

Velociman
I am cloven?.... a ringer, Friends... live on cam?.... let us pray not.. come! anvil!?.... and, finally... manic love?... gimme a break..

Parkway Rest Stop
soppy tart wreaks.... wft, Jim?... warty streaks pop.... Key, pop star
warts?... swept a porky star?...

Acidman
Main Cad... indeed, my Brother... mad Cain... in a mad "C"... a BC?..

Damn the Man
mad 'n' the man... damn anthem.... Damn! Net Ham! ... Semper Fi, Bro...

Dax Montana
DAMN! No! A TAX!!.... tax and moan.... Tax Madonna... hehehe.... heh... oh, and sorry to hear about your pet, Dax... I feel your pain....

Single Southern Guy
snugly generous hit.... youngish green slut... ugly sneering shout.... damn,
sorry Adam
...

Mirthful Sadie
shaft delirium... oh, baby... flute mad irish?.... is dreamful hit.... you
betcha
...

Key Monroe
no! more Key!!.... heh, that says it all...

Undercaffienated
fart nude defiance?.... sorry, man... it is the all-seeing eye, after all...

Wandering Hillbilly
whirling blind alley... honestly, i haven't a clue, Hillbilly...

Primal Purge
prime rug pal.... wow.... regular pimp... grip up, Mr. Ale...

Suburban Blight
...oh my God.... rub blushing bat... *blush* Bring Tuba!!.. sorry, Kelley....

... as you can see, the Magic Anagram Creator is a hit-or-miss device... but, it seems to have hit some of you victims squarely between the eyes... I'll leave it up to you gentleladies and men to figure out which were nailed... and, never fear... I'll get to the rest of the blogroll soon..

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Changing...

... yesterday's Poolfest finally degenerated, children... it's been on the way for a while now, and last night... well, it finally gave up... I must confess... not a single game was shot... much beer was consumed... much Scotch was sipped... jokes were told.... but, alas... we didn't even make it into the garage.....

... for the last few weeks, my Wednesday's have contained, incrementally, less and less pool... and, of course, this was being offset with increasing amounts of sitting/standing around shooting the breeze instead... now, don't get me wrong... everyone had a good time.... but, methinks I need to re-name my Wednesday Poolfests... perhaps I need to re-designate the whole mission of the thing... instead of the original blood-n-guts billiards beatdown, it is becoming a true social gathering of some diverse individs.... hmmm.... who'd have thought that it would turn out this way?.... my garage slowly morphing from a battleground of egos... to a social gathering the likes of which is seldom seen...

... it just goes to show you, people... with the right frame of mind, a few frames of pool, and copious amounts of booze, all things are possible...

... with all that said... I'd say we have arrived..... so, welcome to the Eagle Glen Social Club...

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Runaway Jury, my ass...

... last night, I decided to call a halt to evening blogging, and check out a new movie on HBO.... I'd heard about the latest Gene Hackman movie, and was interested in seeing it... Gene is a warhorse... but, man, what a total bust that movie was... that movie was so jaundiced with Hollywood crybabies that it made me want to puke.... actually, I take that back.. it made me want to go play with my AR-15 and smite a hippie...

... Hackman's character was portrayed as the evil pro-gun jury-manipulator working for a gun manufacturer that was being sued by some moron.... Dustin Hoffman was playing a man-of-the people, idealistic, grassroots lawyer-hero who was "defending" his poor client's rights... what a load of horseshit... by the end of that movie, I wanted to strangle John Cusack, and buttstroke - however gently - Rachel Weisz... dammit, since when did Hollywood have to take a political position on everything... I don't give a shit what Dusty's politics are.... but, he needs to keep his opinions out of "entertainment".... I was so pissed off by time to hit the rack, that I couldn't get to sleep.... so, thanks Mr. Hoffman, for stealing my well-deserved rest, and raising my blood pressure... you bastard....

... what was the only ray of sunshine that came out of this experience, children?... well, just as I was finally drifting off to sleep, an idea coasted into view... and, I'll tell you what... and, I mean this... I'd re-mortgage my fucking house to see ole Gene throttle Hoffman within an inch of his pampered little life.... I envisioned a cagematch... to the death... and an autographed still photo of Hackman battering Dustin's bloody locks into the mat... all the while, growling with satisfaction in that scratchy voice... "take that, Tootsie, you ARE my Bitch... you're enjoying that, aren't you Rizzo-boy?"..... thump... whack... thump...

....what?.... hey, it made me feel better... it really did... after that, I actually got some sleep...

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Newsflash...

... authorities across Mexico are asking for every available pussy to be dispatched towards the city of Atascaderos with all due haste.... this dramatic call will improve the lives of thousands of Mexicans who are in dire need, people... so, spread the word... 200 brave volunteers have already been collected..

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Naked Yoga Guy...

... I've been to a lot of strange places.... but, I've never been to San Francisco... word, gentle readers, it's now on my list...

Prosecutors dropped charges against a limber nudist, known locally as the "Naked Yoga Guy," who made a habit of striking yoga poses in the buff in order to promote a book and his lifestyle.

...and....

"Simply being naked on the street is not a crime in San Francisco," said Debbie Mesloh, a spokeswoman for the district attorney's office.

... what a Nation we have, people.... never a dull moment...

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..a Meme...

.. I found this over at Adam's site... and, I hope to buy him a few reebs at Blogtoberfest... anyway, as is the norm, the bold ones?... well, I've done'em.... the others?... treats yet to be tried, I'm afraid....

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula.
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said ˜I love you" and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease

11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game

17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten my own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars

21. Changed a baby's diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight

29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar

40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Rode on a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking

45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer

49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing

60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach

62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Benchpressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records

70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving

75. Got it on to Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it.

81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class

88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy

95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Rode a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything

108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand

114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Siouxsie live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off

120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check

124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over

134. ...more than once? - More than thrice?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart

146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Rode on a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph

154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Rode a horse
158. Had major surgery

159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states

165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat

168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime

173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes

180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt

187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you

195. Had a booth at a street fair
196: Dyed your hair
197: Been a DJ
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199: Written your own role playing game
200: Been arrested

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Quote of the Day...

... today's Quote comes from the quiet hamlet of Troy, NY...

"For cemeteries, it's very difficult to raise money," Page said.

... difficult times call for difficult measures, I suppose... still, when I die, bury me some place that has a sense of humor... like Troy, NY...

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Saturday...

... ok, folks... here's an update on Helen's Everyday Ho bear.. she'd been being good most of the week... Friday evening found her hanging out with a suspect Raccoon, and fawning over the Wife's autographed photo of Gene Kelly.... every time I'd come into the room, I'd interrupt their conversation... which consisted mostly of such phrases as... "he was so athletic!... remember those thighs?... and, so elegant.. remember those thighs?.... he was so dreamy... remember those thighs?...."... let me tell you, it was pretty bad.... but, you get the picture...

gene_small.jpg

.. a better look?...

... Saturday morning, however, dawned bright and clear... as this is SEC country, football was the order of the day... I spent most of the afternoon playing Rocky Top every time the Hogs scored on Bama... thus the guitar at-the-ready in the photo... what was Luuka up to?.. sitting 2 inches away from the TV confessing her undying love for the Razorback Quarterback who's name she didn't even know...

football_small.jpg

..here's a bigger one....

... but, the icing on the cake, children?... well, Sunday morning, I strode through to the spare bedroom to see if Luuka was ready for breakfast.... the scene that I found was sordid... sordid... Piglet, Flat Eric, and Luuka in the remaining tangles of an avid three-way-feast... well, I backed out of the room... lil' Miss Manners' feelings might have been injured if she knew she'd been found out... so, I retired to the deck to have my coffee alone...

flat_eric_small.jpg

... just LOOK at those smiling faces.... oh, the shame...

... Luuka is all about fun, people.. in ALL of its shades and nuances.... personally, I think she is a very good influence on me...

UPDATE: Sorry, Helen... I had to delete your trackback... it was hammering my site...

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An International Incident...

... it looks like news of our planned Blogtoberfest is making the circuit... anyone speak German?... Jim?... I love being linked, but dammit, I want to be able to READ what they're saying...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(10) | Psycho Rants
» Velociworld links with: MACHE SHOW!
» Parkway Rest Stop links with: Blogtoberfest Has Gone International.

In Danger...

... have you ever had one of those Monday mornings when you feel like this?... I have a sneaking suspiscion, children... that today I'm not the Cougar...

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Mountains...

... ahhh, the sunny slopes of long ago... Acidman is reminiscing about conquering peaks... I know whereof he speaks, children... there was a time when I'd get off work from a 12 hour midnight shift, eat breakfast, and head straight for the mountains... climb as high as I could, crash out, and spend the rest of my three days off just roughing it... airing out the mind and soul for a bit...

... for me, the more inhospitable the weather, the better... mountains were not meant to be comfortable places... mountains are not for the timid... mountains have a purpose that mirrors our soul... we climb as high as we want, and we weather... we come down later, better for the experience, and gaze back up at the summit unattained... it is our nature..

... like Acidman, I've adventured my share of mountains... defeated some, and was defeated by others... nearly killed on a few, too... and with some, I never intended to get to the summit... half-way was good enough.... but, I still look at them in awe... with respect, admiration, and wonder....

... but these days, I tend to read more about climbing than actually doing any... but, I carry the memories of many hills with me... hills with names that I'll never forget... Lochnagar, Ben Nevis, Mount Keen, Mount Moffett, Starr's Mountain, Big Frog, Slick Rock... Munros and Appalachians.... three continents of hill walking, and I still remember each one... and, that's what it's all about...

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Prostitutes...

... I was just over at Lobowalk, and I found something for you rubberneckers to chew on this Saturday morning...

.... once upon a time, I wrote about my experience with a Bangladeshi Callgirl... I was totally innocent, too.... apart from that experience, I've been propositioned by three other ladies of the afternoon... two Eskimo lasses in Anchorage, and a frail, doe-eyed Vampire in New Orleans... of the three, the Bengali was the only one who rubbed my interest.... this guy, on the other hand, has been around... his approach to sex may be unusual... but, I'll bet it's certainly not unique...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(4) | Psycho Rants
» Gut Rumbles links with: the oldest profession

Length revisited...

... an insight, perhaps?... ok, here is what I do when I am bored.... why'd I stop?.... well, this is the scientific length between beginning to play guitar, and needing to flick the dead ash off my cigarette... sorry it is so short, I breathe fast evidently.... in any case, I'm off to watch Blackadder flog Baldrick.... g'night, children... after all, it IS Friday night...

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Come Together...

... technology, she truly is a thing of beauty... come together, people... this new device, with it's wireless technology?... whew... the possibilities are endless.... endless.... and, I know some choice bloggeresses - and, I ain't naming names - but, they need to gifted one of these... immediately...

..hat tip to loyal reader & complete perv BryanH...

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Attitude...

... the darling Wife took my car up to Knoxville yesterday... it was time for it's 30K mile service.... and, she had the day off.... this meant, of course, that I had to drive her little jewel to work... 5-speed manual, and all.... what a blast.... the curvy back roads that are my commute, gave it up... pure sweetness, children...

... the interesting thing was... I arrived home first.... poured myself a drink, and headed off to read some blogs... about 10 minutes later, I hear tires squeal, and an engine being milked to the max... I step out into the living room to see my Baby being reversed up the driveway at 40 miles an hour...

... I walk out onto the front porch, jaw agape and drink-in-hand... the silver car gleaming in the sunshine.... when out pops little Miss Cosmopolitan... wearing MY shades, dressed to the nines, and clutching a few delicate shopping bags... as she passes, she tosses me the keys... damn, baby...

... I follow her into the kitchen to find out how her day went... she sparks an evil grin....

... "just fine", says she... "I went shopping afterwards, and picked up some things for dinner... I hope you'll like it... "

... a quick smile, a hug, and a smack on the ass was her answer... and, all was forgiven....

... but, sitting here now, I'm beginning to realize the whole picture.... it seems that after my ride was serviced, she took it cruising.... Turkey Creek Shopping Mall was pimpslid, gentle readers.. in my car... heh... my car... it is amazing what a polished silver hunk of metal can do to your attitude... but, the really bad thing is this... she looks a helluva lot better in my car than I do.... anyway, she'd also spirited through some fancy gourmet shop... so, lobster cakes were for tea...

... my life?... from day to day, I never know what is going to happen next... but, I do know one thing... every day is always one hell of an interesting party...

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Foul Mouth...

... be of good cheer, gentle readers... this will warm your heart....

"Forms of f*** occur frequently in certain contexts and serve a range of functions, including the role of positive politeness strategy," wrote study leader and linguistics professor Janet Holmes in the international Journal of Pragmatics. "F*** is regularly associated with expressions of solidarity, including friendly terms of address."

... well, fuck me... cussin' is GOOD for you..

... hat tip to loyal reader, Charlie...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(9) | Psycho Rants
» Gut Rumbles links with: i am banned
» A Single Southern Guy In America links with: On Crass Language
» Mirthful Ones links with: Lookie Here...It's A Banfest

Quote of the Day...

... here on this blog, we are pro-porn... yes, children, you heard that right... we enjoy a little slap'n'tickle occasionally... and, we likes to see us some photos of the same... but today's quote of the day comes from Texas, and it creates a rift in my heart... how?... well, although it is sad to see a porn-pusher being scuttled... cheating on your taxes, well, that's just plain evil.. so, fuck him... throw him to the dogs... damn evil tax-cheater...

"Coil has been a long time pornography merchant who has made millions selling obscenity and cheating on his taxes," says Johnny Sutton, United States Attorney for the Western District of Texas. "

... all that good publicity, AND they made him give up 8 million dollars in assets.. Texas Justice, she be a harsh momma, people...

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Poolfest!...

...ahhh... Wednesday afternoon... I just got the call, and the usual braggarts are headed this way.... all but one, that is... The Guy in the Witness Protection Plan is laid low... so, we'll be sending a few drunken phone calls his way... he's being forced to stay the night at the hospital after outpatient surgery... the poor bastard... so, he's none too happy... we'll raise a few glasses in his honor...

... as for the others, the plot is thickening, children... it seems that Biker Steve, Cousin B, and Cousin B-lite have all decided to attend Blogtoberfest.... I prepared a short reading list of blogs for them, and they've been checking out some of you party-goers...

... so, if you are still on the fence about attending in Helen, let me just dangle this piece of cheese:

not only will Eric the SWG be there.. .but, Luuka and her entourage will be too ... Biker Steve, Cousin B, and Cousin B-lite The Guy who needs a new Nickname... (I was just unceremoniously informed that he no longer wishes to be called Cousin B-lite... hey, who knew?)... anyway, I'm off to pot some balls, and knock back some Scotch... later, people...

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Bad News...

... man, this is horrible news... I am crushed... I feel like my insides have been squeezed out... heh.... the only redeeming thing about that article?... maybe Micheal Moore will be a jumper after he reads it...

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AK-47 Vodka...

... I gotsta get me some of this... I mean, who could ignore this pitch?...

"Promoters of Kalashnikov vodka say it is "made from grain harvested in Russia and water drawn from Lake Ladoga north of St Petersburg" and is best drunk with friends."

... drunk with friends, indeed... color me sold...

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Thrasher, again...

... tonight I will be kicking back... I was gifted a nice bottle of a 12 year old blend today, and we've made a date... the sun is shining clear.... the leaves have just started to change, and it's quite a scene.... so, I'm headed out to the deck... perfect weather for enjoying a cool evening... I'm in a strange mood, though.. I plan on playing one song... over, and over... I've been listening to a CD of it for the last few minutes.... and, it seems to fit... I've played it on and off for about a year... but, tonight I feel it again...

... my lil' Bro just called... they've scheduled his lung surgery for October... hey, he's cool with it... his last surgery was in February, and he's almost healed... back in February, he asked me to play this for him over the phone... (not work safe, by the way).... today, he said that since his first surgery was a birthday present to himself, this next one could be MY birthday present... I told him "no thanks".. but, it is unavoidable.. having someone elbow deep in someone else's lung... well, it ain't my idea of a good time... unless it's that cocksucker Zarqawi'... then, I'd PAY to see it....

... in any case, we're all fragile, I suppose...each in our own way... but, taking care of business is the rule of the day... some things just have to be done... regardless of the consequences.. we all know this... it is a fact that non-whiners know... it is the difference between a victim, and standing for something.. even if it is only yourself...still, a few random quotes come to mind...

.."damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!"... Adm. David Glasgow Farragut..

.."I have not yet begun to fight!"... Captain John Paul Jones...

.."Git'er Done"... Larry the Cable Guy...

... whichever one you prefer, the sentiment is the same... pull your jacket a little tighter, brace yourself for the onslaught, and walk out into the maelstrom... let the wind hit you, and keep going... hell, that's what life is all about...

... anyway, I'm off now to sing a Neil Young song to the squirrels until I'm tired of sipping Scotch... or, I break a string... whatever comes first... g'night, children... find your own peace however you can... it is a beautiful day, enjoy it...

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In other news...

.. a dear friend and enlightened realist just remarked... "Wouldn't it be nice to find one of these at Walmart"...

... as changer of bulbs at the Straight White House, I'd have to agree.. currently, we pop 2 or 3 a week...

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Curses...

... good morning, little ones... yes, I am in a better mood today... but, still not out of the proverbial woods... thus, this post... curses, people... Irish Curses... there... I'm feeling better already...

May those who love us love us.
And those that don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we'll know them by their limping.

May the enemies of Ireland never meet a friend.

May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can't find you with a telescope.

May you melt off the earth like snow off the ditch.

May his pipe never smoke, may his teapot be broke
And to add to the joke, may his kettle ne'er boil,
May he keep to the bed till the hour that he's dead,
May he always be fed on hogwash and boiled oil,
May he swell with the gout, may his grinders fall out,
May he roll howl and shout with the horrid toothache,
May the temples wear horns, and the toes many corns,
Of the monster that murdered Nell Flaherty's drake.

May his spade never dig may his sow never pig
May each hair on his wig be well thrashed with a flail
May his door have no latch, may his house have no thatch,
May his turkey not hatch, may the rats eat his meat
May every old fairy, from Cork to Dunleary,
Dip him snug and airy in river or lake,
Where the eel and the trout may feed on the snout
Of the monster that murdered Neill Falheerty's drake

...found via Strange Cosmos...

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My Pet Jawa....

... I asked a friend, before I posted this, if they thought this was fair.... they didn't respond... hell, maybe they were busy... but, after re-reading it, I think it is.. I AM ANGRY..... if you don't like this post, feel free to leave... I don't do politics, but I DAMN sure do fairness.... and, this.. in my mind, is totally fair.... so, here goes...

.. thank you, Jawa..... and, before you readers rebuke, go watch the video.. then, speak your mind..

... as for me?.... dear, sweet God.... I am reminded of the traditional capsule contents of the Old Glory cap.... a .45 bullet.. and, a match.. the .45 slug is for you.. and, the match is for burning the flag... this is to be done when all is lost..... never surrender... and, never let your battle flag fall into enemy hands... Olin Eugene Armstrong.. you are the fallen, my brother.... sitting here, there was nothing I could do to help you... I've tried to rejoin, but the Corps won't take me now... it is something that I'll have to live with forever.... you did nothing wrong.. neither did US Foreign Policy... these evil swine, they are the culprits.... they are the ones, that.... when standing before a benevolent God, shall be cast into eternal damnation... I'm not religious, as a rule... but, anyone.. anyTHING capable of that is due a karma assfucking with a saguaro cactus... no matter WHAT God they pray in front of... so, to you, Olin, I offer an apology.... and, to the ones that will come after you.. I am sorry.... to your murderers, woe unto them.. my brother Marines will be shortly on the scene to finish you off like the dogs you are...

.. Damn, I've gotten distracted... but, as I started out, so shall I finish.... there is no alternative to this abomination except total extermination... the rule must be tolerance... if not, then the blade.... that is all....

... to the rest of the Americans, Brits, Australians, Filipinos, Salvadorans, Etc... when the terrorists come knocking, kill as many as you can, and then, kill yourself.... they are not going to spare you... and, you'd better be armed.. kidnapped without firing a shot?.... shame on you... this is a war to the bitter end.. a war that will last decades.... hell, it is a war that has lasted millennia already.... the way of the zealot is the way of death... and, so shall it always be... Christian AND Muslim be-damned... we, as the fighters for tolerance, must raise the bar... you cut off Olin's head, we firebomb Mecca.... why?... well, Mecca didn't speak up, and disagree with your ways... thus, they are your home base.... you want Jihad, fuckers?.... let's bring it... until your community condemns you, damn all of them too..

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Fill in the Blank...

... warning... this post may become political.... fill in the blank, people...

... Bill Maher is a/an...

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A Bet is a Bet...

... well, Tammi may be a Gator-lovin' girl... but, she sure makes good on her bets.... behold, children... what do I have to say?... well, I have to admit that I simply love it when women write things on their bodies for me... ever since that George Michael video, I've been psyched...

... in other news, Harvey is asking for body-shots of our blogging attire... sorry, bud, no pajamas are to be found around here... you'll have to wait till October for a photo of my blogsuit... what was it?... oh, nude Greco-Roman wrestling, I believe... on the banks of the Chattahoochee?.... mayhaps, friends... otherwise, I'll get the wifey to snap a pic of me in my B-day suit before we leave for Helen... I mean, c'mon... what did you expect my blogsuit to be?... why'd you think I designed the logo for the Nekkid Bloggers?... besides, a Riverbank in October?.. it'll be a might chilly, and might not show off my best side... much better the pic is snapped in a centrally heated suburb... after all, that is more my style anyway...

... with that said, beware the month of October, gentle readers... beware the October Month... I turn 32, and am still without spawn...

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Ghoulish Monday...

... because I know, deep down, that all of you are freaky little rubberneckers... here are some famous last words... last words spoken before execution, that is.... oh.. courtesy of Strange Cosmos, of course...

More Straight talk »

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Mission - Failure...

.... I just received a call from my Mother... intrepid traveler that she is... she explained her latest drama... it seems that I-7 was closed outside Pittsburgh by a mudslide... courtesy of Ivan the Terrible... the Bastard... thus, she'll be three days late back from her sojourn to West-by-God-Virginia... Hell, all we had here in Tennessee was a few soggy, and addled squirrels... tossed, inadvertently, from their trees.... looking like Afghan refugees with gray hair... limping sorely around the hummingbird feeder in the back yard....

... but, I have to ask this question.... what the fuck, gentle readers?... a mudslide?... jumpin' jeebus... what are we, Ecuador?... some things just boggle my little mind.... I mean, you'd think Pennsylvania, West Virginia, and Ecuador Ohio could manage a civil engineer amongst them to prevent such trials for my Momma... those bastards....

... anyway... to the point... what did I do today?... well, there was good... and, there was bad... I had a lovely drive down to Cleveland to shop... and, I had a lovely meal.. and, I had a lovely drive BACK from Cleveland.... but, the whole shopping deal was a major bust... I found nothing of what I sought... what did I seek, you ask?... simple things... simple things...

... I wanted a digital camera... an Elvis CD of his concert at Madison Square Garden... (Polk Salad Annie, baby)... a book of Rudyard Kippling poetry.... and, a guitar-by-the-numbers book.... with an accompanying CD.. so that I don't fall flat on my ass during Blogtoberfest.... but, as usual... the World is Against ME.... bastards.... and, as such, NONE of my goals were achieved...

... alas... today, while enjoyable, was a total strategic disappointment... go figure... Books-a-Million, Radio Shack, and The Music Barn can ALL kiss my ass..

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Cheeseburger...

... seeing as I've been scrubbed of all my linkages... freedom reigns, people.. but, with it, bridge-building must commence... ties that bind must be renewed... so, before Luuka and I head out for today's adventure, some linky love is in order...

... first up, Liz O'Movie Badness is in rare form with some Aural Wasabi... "...while Joey Santiago scrubs the scabs off your mosquitoe bites with his guitar strings..." ..damn, girl..

... Rob O'Say Anything has the skinny on the President's monitoring of the Blogoshpere...

... Jack O'Random Fate gives a glimpse into how horrible his life is.. poor guy... go on over there, and cheer him up...

... Jimbo O'Rest Stop provides an insight that is as ominious as it is funny...

... and, Ruth O'Ordinary Day questions the continued validity of Neil Young... she has a point.. I have to admit, I like Young for his lyrics... not his voice...

... there... I've done my civic duty for the day... I'm off in seach of a cold beer, a hot cheeseburger, and a TV playing loops of Wilhoit's 50 yarder.... oh, yeah....

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Oh, Yeah...

... I have arrived... it seems that fame has found me at last... now I know how Acidman feels... ceremonious de-linking.. that's where it's at, people... the ultimate example that you are on the right track in life... check this, children...

ceremonious.jpg

... all I have to do now is figure out what I did right...

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Pony up...

... what can I say?... damn, children... what a game...

"KNOXVILLE, Tenn. -- Three minutes and 19 seconds is what separated James Wilhoit Saturday evening from likely recluse to Tennessee player most likely to be treated for back welts. From a botched extra point, to a 50-yard game-winning field goal -- that was the 199-second difference in Wilhoit's legacy and, as it turns out, in the Volunteers' 30-28 victory against Florida."

... 199 seconds... from Hero.. to Scoundrel.. to Hero... 199 seconds, people... from likely postgame castration... to lively postgame fellatio... a life changed in 199 seconds... incredible...

... plus, some other good news... Tammi, of course, has to pay up on her bet... (I hope she places that UT symbol on a tasty locale)... Ole Miss scraped by Vandy... and, a shocker that brought a grin to my face... Auburn beat LSU!!... hot damn, children... Auburn beat LSU... what a fine Saturday of SEC nailbiters...

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Dammit...

... today has dawned a glorious, Ivanfree Autumn day... a perfect day for watching College Football... why am I not doing the early-morning naked happy dance on my deck, you ask?... indeed, I've asked myself that too.... I, you see, have a showdown... one that I've been putting off for weeks now... my backyard is the enemy... and, today is the day, people...

... on the upside, I won't have to touch the bitch for the rest of the year after this... still, it is a daunting task... it almost makes me wish that Assault Weapon Ban's wonderful demise now allowed me to purchase domestic-use Napalm... or, Agent Orange in-a-box...

... anyway, I'm off then, children... for at least 6 miserable hours... dressed like a Sandinista, my suburban assault will leave a trail of mutilated destruction... albeit green, and leafy vice red, and meaty... sometimes, I really hate owning land...

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Lucy is Dead..

.. a while back, I wrote this post about Lucy.. or, Saginaw, if you choose.. but today, she is dead... today, I found out that she had been hit by a car, and killed... damn.. Just Damn...

... see, every third Friday, I visit my local, small town barbershop... I normally wear a crew cut.. of sorts... and, every third week, it is time to get sheared.... well, today was the day... I called, and was told I would be seen somewhere between 4 and 4:30.. par for the course, children.... this is not an assembly line.. this is a Southern haircut... time waits for everyone in this world...

... so, I found myself there around 4:15 today.... the door was propped open with an antique brick.. Ivan, having just nearly departed, had made the air heavy, and humid.... without air-conditioning, my little slice of yesteryear had propped the door open... it was beautiful.. in the truest sense of Southern-ness...

... as I walked in, I recognized the same Friday Woman asleep under the hooded hair-drying chair... she's there every Friday, of course.... and, the same Friday Debutante being moussed over in the "Chair fo Action".... my time in said chair, was nearing...

... being slightly early, I settled myself into an unused space, and lit a cigarette.... the vague conversation of the female barber and her client, imprinting themselves on me subliminally... and, I stared across the street to where I'd seen Lucy before... but, she wasn't there... and, instead, I noticed the memorial... laid there, in front of the firehouse.. to LCpl Larry Ray Harris, USMC.... killed these thirty-odd years in Vietnam... what a sight.. a small town... in East Tennessee.... with a gravestone-style marker as a monument for a fallen Marine... a stone that I had nearly forgotten..

... I spoke up, and interrupted the women's talking... "Did you know Larry Ray Harris?".... "yes", came the reply... "He was so young.. so very, very young... but, I went to High School with him..."..... then, they continued their talking... I was suddenly touched.... he did not lay there... but, his memorial did.. looking more like a tomb than a monument.... he'd been there all my life.. ever since I could remember... always there... even when I came home from leave, I'd look over and see him as I drove by.... Larry Ray Harris... it struck me today, people...

... then, the time came for my haircut... I snapped myself out of my meditations, and strode over to the chair.. the hum of the clippers buzzed me almost to sleep as I was sitting in her chair... and then, it happened.. I remembered Lucy... so, I asked.... in that conversational tone you use when you are with someone, but still separate... "So, how is Lucy?... you told me about her once... I have not seen her in a while."..

... "Oh, Lucy is gone, Son... she was ran over on Highway 411... some out-of-towner didn't slow down, and she was killed.. such a pity... she was a good dog"...

... when she said this, I zoned... I did not want any more details... I didn't want an explanation... I just wanted to mourn..... in the background, I can still remember her continuing the conversation with the lady under the drier... the drier had stopped it's buzz, and she could hear now... they talked about how everyone loved Lucy... and, how the locals would stop, or slow down... but, this out-of-towner.... well, he didn't know her... so, he ran her over...

... I don't really know why I wanted to tell y'all this.... it breaks my heart.. it really does... and, it is very confusing.... but, in some way, two things have become entwined... the idea of community.. the idea of brotherhood... the idea of love... of respect... of caring for your community... somehow, they have all become suspect..... in a way, we are all Lucy.. and, we are all Larry Ray Harris.. the loved, and the unknown... at least by me.... and yet, both still remembered.... both less cared about... at least, of sorts..

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Luuka has landed...

.... departing from the normal debauchery here... I have a wee soft and cuddly announcement for all of you rubberneckers..

... what juicy bit of gossip might this be?... heh... well, Luuka the Everyday Bear is here... freshly arrived from the Isle of Jersey... and, Helen, you would be so proud of her... she hadn't been here 10 minutes, and she was begging to hear old Marine stories, and fondle my Dress Blues... even the Wife raised an eyebrow when Luuka sexily purred... "I soooo dig a man in uniform".... Helen, what was I to do?.... I tried to explain to her that my Blues were a bit small for me now... and, without batting an eyelash, she said... "then maybe they'll fit ME!"... so, beaten, I wandered off to try to find my uniform... meanwhile, she started shooting Tequila shots and flicking through channels looking for East Enders... (two things that I guess YOU had taught her)... either that, or Rob taught her...

... so, having only been in Tennessee a matter of minutes, here is the scene...

luuka_marine_small.jpg

...here's a close up...

... yeah, your eyes are not deceiving you... your darling, girlie-bear was slamming Patron, playing with firearms, and cross-dressing... baby, we are going to have so much fun... trust me...

... our adventure continues, of course... tomorrow, we are going to take part in an annual Tennessee Ritual.. drinking beer, and watching the Volunteers play the Gators... she told me she's excited... but, really it isn't because she's a Vols fan.. she just thinks Smokey is HOTT... and, before you ask, yes... yes... she has already been taught all three verses of Rocky Top... heh...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(16) | Psycho Rants
» Welcome to Castle Argghhh! The Home Of Two Of Jonah's Military Guys. links with: Luuka has surfaced!
» Everyday Stranger links with: Guinness, Hallway Wanderings, and Irish Music

Fishing

... Fetishes.... everyone has one... some have Legion... don't try to deny it.... we all have something that just pushes our buttons... something that turns us into a dynamo of lustful energy..... with Acidman, it is painted toes....hey, feet aren't really my bag, but I'm cool with it... to each his own, Brothers and Sisters.. we're all about diversity here at SWG... even Velociman and his Whip are welcome.... but, with me, the rub is more mundane... the itch, easier to scratch.... in the fetish community at-large, it's known as a Librarian Fetish.... what does it entail?... eye glasses, children... geek chicks... they drive me nuts... sexy secretaries... lustful librarians... stern schoolmarms... throw in a skirt, button-down shirt, and high heels... and, you've hit my button..... as a matter of fact, this intriguing tale had me on the verge... hint, Anna? give us a picture...

... the thing is this - and, I've put some considerable thought into the subject - I still can't pin down what it is about glasses that gets me..... I really can't... maybe it is the thought of sliding them off... maybe eye-glasses signal a slightly defenseless vibe... which triggers my blood-in-the-water shark gene... maybe glasses just remind me of those first memorable stiffys in the back row of Mrs. Roundtree's class.... whatever the reason, I must confess..... yes, I dig chicks with glasses... there.... I've said it... so, now you know...

... why am I pondering all of this?.... fishing, children... just fishing.... feel free to send photos, Ladies... they will be in safe hands... you can trust Uncle Eric.... I mean, at least I'm not asking you to get your tits out... that's Harvey's job...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(18)
» Primal Purge links with: Open Wider For the Yahweh Cider
» Bad Example links with: WHIP ME, SHUSH ME, MAKE ME CHECK OUT BOOKS
» On the Patio links with: Great American Beer Festival
» Bad Example links with: PEEPING IN VIRTUAL WINDOWS
» Bad Example links with: STUPID MEMES

Uplifting...

... day after day, we are bombarded with bad news... but, a headline today has me feeling a revitalized hope for humanity...

"Mob stops closure of porn CD shops on Hall Road

By Aayan Ali

LAHORE: A large crowd beat back a city government team that tried to close shops selling pornography on Hall Road on Saturday."

... yes, gentle ones, today is a good day... Pakistani street peddlers, cheap porn, mob rule, and telling the gummint where to stick it... I feel so refreshed...

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Wednesday again...

...time to shoot pool, people... the Herd is being gathered, and will be here shortly for the slaughter... I've been in a mean mood since yesterday afternoon.... woe unto my opponents... woe, in the Biblical sense, children.... even if I lose, I'll still talk shit with the best of them...

... then again, I may just pull a Cartman on their ass... "Screw you guys, you're going HOME"...

... this home of mine, it is a fickle place... even at the very best of times..

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Family History...

... I was reminded today, at a board meeting, of some of my long ago relatives... life is truly a strange ride, children..... one person began telling of how they were moving to Cleveland... in a few minutes, talk meandered round to the various suburbs.. and, then... on to various other Ohio hangouts.... the word Sandusky was spoken.. this is a word that has long been sacred at the Straight White House... why?.. well, the Sandusky Indians once barbecued a Great Great Great Great Uncle of mine.. thus, I have always been on the lookout for Sanduskies.. you never know when they'll strike....

... anyway, old GGGGUncle William Crawford was caught around 1780 in Lower Pennsylvania... no doubt, doing something he and his men shouldn't have been doing, and dispatched.. post haste.. by the local tribe.... his brother, Valentine Crawford, is my direct ancestor... why do I bring this up?.... history, my babies... history...

... two long lost Grandpappies of mine both bear further scrutiny.... Valentine Crawford... and, Luke Lunsford... what makes them so special?.. check it....

... Valentine Crawford used to beat the crap out of George Washington when he was a pup... go forth and read, I'm not making this up.. just search for "Valentine Crawford"... hell, read GW's biography... he mentions his "neighbors" as being the people who toughened him.. ... hell, it's in the Library of Congress.. the "Robertson" boys were GW's neighbors... 5 Robertson's, and the two Crawford step-sons, that is... Honoria Crawford having married a horny Robertson once Grand Sir Crawford kicked it.... but, GW was an only child.. and, when he was a babe, he'd play Indian Wrestle with the neighbors.... and, verily, they'd punk him for the girlie he was.. it is of such stock that I am risen..... yea...

... who is relative number two?... Mr. Lunsford... why the "Mr"?.... well, he didn't just pummel some pubescent President.... no, children... he once beat Jesse James damn near to death for trying to stiff him on his ferry fare after crossing the Cumberland River.... ole Luke ran a bidness, you see.... and, when Jameseyboy refused to pay after riding, he rode him hard.... even the authorities, when apprehending him later, accused him of a robbery.... and, Jesse replied... "twer'ent me, boys... some hillbilly beat the livin' piss outta me in Middle Tennessee.. I was too damn laid-up to have done that robbery".... the constables, evidently acquainted with Grandpa Luke, understood.... and, let Jesse go...

... what does all this mean?... I haven't the faintest... but, my lineage is filled with shitkicking rednecks.... I am proud.... I mean, wouldn't you be?.... hell, my GGGGrandpappy gave the Father of our Country Indian burns and noogies... now that's a fucking achievement..... it all boils down to doing your genealogy... sometimes you learn stuff you REALLY shouldn't know....

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Sadie throws a ringer..

... any time that a woman with a pretty mouth AND a huge set of tits vocabulary can work it like this... well, she deserves linkage... major.. steamy.. wet.. knock-your-glasses-off-in-the-stairwell kinda linkage... unfortunately, all I can do is offer this post... but, she is entitled to so much more... I bow to your superior vocab, baby.. cheers, Sadie... you struck a chord.. language IS art... it all just depends on how you use your mouth, I suppose...

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The Hook...

... ever read a news article, and get totally blindsided by it?... reading merrily along, and then suddenly, WHAM!... well, I just did... and, here is how it happened...

Kelly Dawn Hullenbaugh loves cheerleading and watching the pom-pom girls at Greensburg Salem High School. She has several cheerleading uniforms, and enjoys dressing up and pretending.

... sounds ok, right?... yep.. nothing out of the ordinary... hell, who DOESN'T like to watch cheerleaders.... and then....

But Kelly Dawn's real name is Robert Domasky. The 48-year-old transvestite from Greensburg was arrested Friday after school custodians reported seeing him outside the girls locker room.

... whoa.... ambushed, I was, children...

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My Recipe...

... ok... it seems that my decision to put off gardening was very well appreciated.... cooking was, after all, the correct path... so, I suppose I should now offer up the goods... behold, children.... Straight White Chicken Parmesan.....

...here are some things you'll need... in no particular order....
1 bottle of Blue Nun
2 cloves of garlic
lots and lots of butter
breadcrumbs
basil, oregano, black pepper, lemon zest, mozzarella & parmesan cheese, cloves, bay leaf, vanilla extract....
2 chicken breasts
Extra Virgin olive oil
1 jar of tomato sauce
tape or CD of Spanish bullfighting music
tape or CD of The Best of Guns and Roses
fettuccini pasta
garlic bread/toast

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Random Thoughts...

... my chicken parmesan rocks, people.... I'll post the recipe for you later..

... Zorro, the Gay Blade is a misunderstood masterpiece... George Hamilton is a fucking genius...

... now that this is finally over, I'm buying a collapsible stock for my Bushmaster... oh yes, I am...

... an anagram of my name is demon crisis... that's just crazy...

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Abraham...

... I tell you what... 8 years old, or not... the FATHER should have had some "minor injuries" too... what am I talking about, you ask?... here... go and read that... and bask in the glow of the monumentally stupid....

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Robert Frost...

... I have two distinct paths set out for today... and, in the next hour, a decision must be made... one road must be picked.... dammit... being a Libra, choices are a complete conundrum.. my options, children?... here they are...

... 1. Use the weed-eater to raze the 1/2 acre of wilderness that is my back lawn... this will involve large glasses of iced tea... buckets of sweat... chemical weapons attacks upon the ubiquitous fireant hills... and toting the weed-eater around for at least 6 hours.... I can do this...

... 2. Scour the web in search of a good Chicken Parmesan recipe... tool on out to the green grocer to procure ingredients... settle in for an afternoon of sipping Blue Nun while cooking dinner for the Missus... this will, no doubt, take up most of the day... after all, cooking is an art... thus, it must be done with utmost care and love... all of this will take around 6 hours too...

... man, I am torn... it is at times like these that being inherently lazy bears fruit... I think that I should take my direction from Mr. Frost... you know, the road less traveled by... after all, I HAVE battled Hell's Half-acre before... but Chicken Parmesan remains elusive... it is a road never traveled... methinks I should go boldly down THIS road... damn, decisions... decisions..

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth

Then took the other as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet, knowing how way leads onto way
I doubted if I should ever come back

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference


Robert Frost

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This time...

... I was just watching Band of Brothers again... having an evening drink.. and trying to relax from my day of travels... yesterday, I had decided not to write about what happened 3 years ago today... I just didn't want to write about it again... but, this morning, before I left home, I watched the first part of the 9/11 Commission's Report... one thing they said has remained with me all day...

... "September 11th dawned a beautiful late Summer day"....

... I remember it just like that, too... clear skies... crisp, and clear.... then Calvin came to my office and told me to check the news websites...

... this time of the day 3 years ago, I sat glued to the news reports... both towers had already fallen... a plane had hit the Pentagon... and another had been ridden down by heroes into a Pennsylvania field.... I remember watching evening come.. just as it is coming now... and, wondering what tomorrow would bring... is this the beginning of the end?... is this the trickle of the coming torrent?...

... I cried for the murdered.. for the firemen.. policemen..... and, I prayed... although I'm not that religious... I remember that I couldn't sleep that night... I remember being afraid for my family... and, I remember being angry.... today, I am still all of these things again... some people might look upon this admission as a sign that the terrorists have won... that they have beaten me.... but, I assure you... nothing could be further than the truth.... I still have these feelings for the memory of that day... and, I just had them when I was watching this evening's sunset come... but, I don't have them for waking up tomorrow.... our World is safer, whether we like it or not, because of September 11th... we have seen in each other.. in our Military... a resolve to persevere... a willingness to stamp out this horror... and, we are.... terrorists only win by creating terror... I am not afraid.. I am filled with anger, but I am not afraid... three years ago, I was afraid of what the morning would bring.... tonight, I am anxious for the morning to come... we are alive... and, we are winning...

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McBunnies?

... you've got to be shitting me.... this is a bad idea, Hef... a really bad idea... bad for two reasons... firstly, finding a gaggle of late-teen beauties from late-nite McDonald's drive thrus?... well, it is gonna be a challenge... secondly?... do you really want us "readers" to be fantasizing about our next supersizing experience?.. I mean, it's not like we don't already secretly want to nail Brittney till she faints from dehydration... sure, we aren't going to admit it.. but, we do want her... and, now this?.. this is just another cross for us to bear... enough is enough, Hef... you've got to have some limits, man...

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Further...

... one year ago today, I began my first virginal groping into this blogworld with a Zevon post.... (scroll to the bottom to see it.. hell, it WAS blogspot...) but, in the end, I am at heart, a sentimental bastard... and, after all, he'd just popped his clogs... well, children... I am proclaiming a SWG tradition.. here, and now... every September 10th, so long as this blog shall exist, you all may suckle at the teat of Zevon... hell, it is the very LEAST I can do.... somehow, I think the people who frequent this hellhole are natural born Zevon fanatics.... and, if you aren't, you fucking should be....

... so, without futher interruption... two of my (and YOURS) favorites....

... oooohhhh... what shall they be?... previously posted items?... not a chance, tards.... freshly burned copies, my babies...

... first up... the immortal Carmelita.... a tale of strife, addiction, chicken wings, and love...

... secondly, the very song I was whistling all day today... mainly because Trick Pony fucked it up, in general... but secondly, because I like the idea of throwing one's self down upon the train track of life, and letting time take it's course.. aren't we ALL in that boat in the end?... Poor Pitiful Me, children... give it a listen.. you'll love it....

... as you might know, I normally post the lyrics so you can sing along with Mr. Zevon... however, tonight I feel quite irreverent.... so, google your own damn lyrics... none to be found here... just music, people.... groove with Warren... you know you want to..... dammit.. one year gone... and, Warren is still dead..

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What a Ride...

... it's hard to believe that, as of today, I have been doing this for 1 year... crazy, really.... hell, I don't even know why I started a blog... it just sorta happened.... I mean, I can remember the day I started poking around on Blogger.com... next thing you know, it was asking me what I wanted to call my blog... for some reason, I chose the name I did.... and, in an instant, Straight White Guy ala Blogspot was born.... a few months later, I bought my own domain.... then, a few months ago, I was invited to join the munuvian herd.... it's been quite a party so far.... and, I am GLAD that I started a blog...

... there were some added bonuses along the way... number one - getting to meet new friends.... I had no idea what social beasts us bloggers be... I'd only been working this baby for a few months, when I found myself off to Blood Mountain for a blogmeet.... since then, I've managed to meet quite a few bloggers in person... others, I've only spoken to on the telephone... with others, only a friendly email on occasion.... but, I consider myself better for having gotten to know them... through their writing... through their actions as real people.... and through their comments.... better living through blogging, people.. there is truth in that..

... on the other hand, I've seen the trolls too.... such is life, I suppose... a street corner in downtown New York - or a street corner of the blogosphere... they really aren't that different.. you are going to see all kinds... good, bad, and indifferent.... freaks, mutants, and raving lunatics, children..... like minds tend to congregate... which reminds me, why are YOU here?... you freak...

... then, of course, there is the writing... the hobby.... the pastime... the albatross.... the obsession... the art... the drivel.... call it what you will, but it is here.... and, it is mine.... that, in itself, is what I find so incredible... looking back through my archives, I am constantly cheered by finding new posts that I had forgotten about... forgotten that I had written.... from that aspect alone, I am thankful to have started recording my thoughts...

... so, one year on, and I'm still here... Wednesday Poolfests... drunken rants... bad jokes... stories from the past.... news articles about stupid people... you'll not find much else here, children... personally, the fact that people come here continues to amaze me... but, thank you all... I'd like to have you all over for some steaks, a few drinks, and a couple of games on the pool table... I mean that...

all the best to you all,

Eric

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(19) | Psycho Rants
» Say Anything links with: One Year
» The Brier Patch links with: 366 Days
» AlphaPatriot links with: Happy Blogversaries

A Good Long Life...

... I can't remember where I found this, but I felt like sharing... especially since my 1 year blogbirthday is coming up tomorrow.... still, I have the sinking feeling I used to date this girl...

A passerby noticed an old lady sitting on her front step. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is the secret to your long and happy life?"

"I smoke four packs of cigarettes a day", she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice, big, fat joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junkfood. On the weekends, I pop a huge number of pills, and I do no exercise at ALL."

"That is absolutely amazing at your age!!", says the passerby. "How old are you?"

"Twenty Four."

longlife.jpg

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(8) | Psycho Rants
» Gut Rumbles links with: it's all relative

Strange Find...

... the world's oldest unused condom has been found in Wales.... what?... hey, I just though you guys might like to know...

'It's obvious they have never been used - they are just as good as the day that they were made,' Idris explained.

'They are absolutely huge,' he added, and wondered whether this indicated that men's anatomies had changed over the years.

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Ban'em, I say...

... what is this world coming to?... truly, the end is nigh, children.... ARMED criminals wandering our streets... robbing banks, and such.... I can smell the hint of it in the air already... the Assault Weapons weenies are going to have to update their definition yet again....

"AIKEN, South Carolina (AP) -- A robber who used a rusty pitchfork to stick up a bank got away -- and so far, finding him has been like looking for a needle in a haystack."

... ok, two things.... first, a rusty pitchfork?.. sheeesh.... what about all those AK-47s, bazookas, and uzi's on the street?... this guy must be a total moron... street cred?... nil, people... secondly, is it just me, or is CNN developing a sense of humor?....

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Roll Call....

... ok, people... listen up... everyone who is anyone has already heard about our upcoming Southern Drinking Festival... it happens to coincide with Oktoberfest in Helen, Georgia.... well, here's a SITREP for you tards.... if you are coming, let me know... hell, I don't care if you are planning on STAYING or not.. after all, that is Velociman's bag... all I want to know is if you are COMING... I'm listing the names of our confirmed victims below.. if your name IS on the list, and you are planning on bailing, let me know NOW... if you don't, may the fleas of a thousand terrorists nest in your pubic hair... if are coming, but haven't TOLD us, then now is your chance... we have wheels in motion that you know not of, so speak the hell up...

so far, the tally is thus... a simple "yes, Sir" will suffice if you are coming... if not, then the perfunctory "Couldn't hack it, and had to pack it" will do nicely.... so, with that said, sound off like ya gotta pair... oh, that goes for you too, Ladies...

Acidman from Gutrumbles (w/Rick and Georgia)
Adam the Single Southern Guy
Dax Montana from The Dax Files
Denny the Grouchy Old Cripple in Atlanta
Geoffrey & Gordon from Dog Snot Diaries
Jimbo from Parkway Rest Stop (plus some Suspects)
Key Monroe from Key Issues
Kelley from Suburban Blight
Momma from Mamamontezz
Velociman O'Velociworld

.. oh, and if you are NOT listed above, you should be ashamed of yourself... rectify the situation now... confess of your plans to come... after all, we've been promised nude Greco-Roman wrestling, a schnitzel eating contest, acoustic jamming by the banks of the Chattahoochee, general all-around enjoyement, and a game of "half-rubber"... whateverthehell that is... truth, children... miss this fest, and you'll never forgive yourself... ever...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(16) | Psycho Rants
» Parkway Rest Stop links with: Jawja Blogtoberfest Update.
» Gut Rumbles links with: shit or get off the pot
» Evilwhiteguy's Blog links with: Message To Those Bound For Helen
» Evilwhiteguy's Blog links with: Message To Those Bound For Helen

IQ Test...

... straight from the ole inbox... yes, kiddies, a one sentence IQ Test... I hope you guys do better than I did.... I failed it... dammit...

A mute who wants to buy a toothbrush goes into a store. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first.

The answer is below. Really think about: Are you thinking???? ~HAVE YOUR ANSWER? Are you sure your right?? I know your smart enough to get this right...

Heres the answer One-question IQ Test answer: He opens his mouth and says, "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses." You didn't get this wrong, did you?

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Oh, BABY...

... I was just sitting on the couch watching some TV... sipping on a Gin and Tonic... when I suddenly came face to face with my new fantasy... Christina Sanchez, people...

sanchez1.jpg

... let me set the scene... I'm making burritos for dinner tonight... so, I was flipping channels to find something to put me into the mood... and, I stumbled upon a bullfighting documentary... sweet Lord, children.... not only did it get me into the spirit of things, I think I just achieved wood... all I can say is WOW... I have just fallen in Love lust with Christina Sanchez...

... don't get me wrong.. I am still a big fan of demure Women... Big City Businesswomen.... Southern Belles... Farmer's Daughters... hell, I love them all... but, I have to admit... the idea of Christina wins out... maybe it is the smell of the peppers coming from the kitchen... I don't know.. but, she is definitely getting my blood pumping...

... ain't she a beaut?.... yeah, she's a real piece of work too... and, I normally don't go for blondes...

sanchez2.jpg

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SRV

... listen up, folks.... those of you who have DirecTV, turn to channel 103 immediately... a classic Stevie Ray Vaughan concert is on... miss it at your own peril... those of you who don't have DirecTV.. heh.. too bad..

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Quote of the Day...

... aphrodisiacs... every culture has their twist on them... ground elephant tusk... diced tiger penis... saffron... chocolate... you name it, and someone somewhere has decried the sexually enhancing properties of it... hell, it's all about salesmanship, really... but, here's the real deal, people... the REAL DEAL... you want to know what the greatest aphrodisiac is?... the most powerful ever found?... what is it that can cause dusky-skinned maidens to throw their booty with wild abandon at criminals, despots, hunkered old men, and pimply Harvard underclassmen?... simple, really... Poverty... case in point, children... today's quote of the day comes from the Swaziland...

"I want to drive around in a Mercedes car. I don't care if I have to share the king with 20 other women," said Thab'sile Dlamini, 13.

... sad, but true... a budding 13 year old lass... competing to become a concubine of a known tyrant and dictator... sometimes, any option is better than starving to death...

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Morning Thoughts...

... the weather here is outstanding... early Sunday morning sunshine is covering the back deck with a warm glow... dew from the night before has left the cushions of the chairs slightly damp and cool... I'm just inside from enjoying a morning cup of coffee there... everyone in the neighborhood is still asleep, it seems... the only noise out back came from two Mockingbirds... squabbling over territorial banging rights to the cedar tree... oh, and the testosterone filled squirrel is back, too... but, it appears all the ladies are in hiding...

... I absolutely love having coffee on the deck early on a sleepy Sunday morning alone... a simple pleasure, maybe... but, an honest one... I can almost feel the gentle "click" of my Self being secured into some cosmic battery charger when I sit down out there...

... the Wife has to work today and tomorrow.... So, I'll have these upcoming two days to do as I please... today, for instance, I am taking my Mother to lunch in town... and then, back to her house to help her pick muscadines... ripe, blue, and sweet... when I was a kid, I'd stand under the hanging arms of the huge vine, and eat till I was sick... nowadays, I'd rather eat them after they've been processed into breakfast jelly... still, I promised to help her gather them in... there is something very satisfying about grazing out of your own back lawn...

... the Vols play the Leisure Suits tonight... I'll be back in plenty of time to catch their game... I watched the Dawgs last night... Georgia Southern's triple option had them stumped for the first half... but, after that turnover, they were scuttled... oh, and Ware is going to be a force if he stays healthy...

... after the game, I threw episode three of Lonesome Dove into the VCR... "The Plains".. my favorite of the four episodes... I remarked to the Wife that I tried my best to be like Gus every day...he was my hero... honest, lighthearted, and a bit of a cad... she replied... "I know you try... but, you are still more like Woodrow... and, you always will be"... damn... at first, I was upset by this... but, upon reflection, I can live with it...I'm of the mind that Woodrow saw in Gus something that he knew he could never be... but, admired it all the same... just like I do...

...still, Augustus was more right than he knew... especially when he said this little nugget of wisdom... "I swear, you women sure know how to take the starch out of a man"...

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It's Time...

... Fisty Time, once again... and it's a genuine work of art, as usual... but, THIS one takes it a small step further than the norm... no, not a smarmy individual this time... a whole People gets jammed to the elbow Velocistyle...

... fine work, V-man... fine work indeed... it even reminded me of an old poster I saw in an issue of Leatherneck... Huns kill women and Children?... Tell that to the Marines...

tell_that.jpg

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Invasion...

... not that I want to cause a panic.... but, you might want to start stocking up on cheetohs and ammo.... the invasion is coming... word, children.. you heard it here first...

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Rocky Top...

... today is the day, children... the first weekend of the year for Vols football... oh yes, oh yes.. hot damn.... who cares if our Quarterbacks may be an unknown quantity?... we're still gonna whip some ass... but one thing is for sure... and, it is the same every year... what's that?... Rocky Top will be played... anyway, on Sunday we meet up with the UNLV Rebels... why a team from Vegas called themselves The Rebels is beyond me... hell, Vegas always reminds me of leisure-suited salesmen chasing chorus girls.. not exactly Rebels, if you ask me.. hell, Ole Miss has that shtick nailed down...

... but anyway, in honor of our leisure suited adversaries this weekend, I give you some vintage Rocky Top... groovin, baby... maybe if we could get the Pride of the Southland Band to play it this way, our touchdowns might not be so hard for the Nevadites to take... oh well, it's just a thought....

... so, everyone... please rise... place your hand over your heart... and face towards Neyland Stadium... the season has begun... even if it IS slightly funkier than usual...

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Nailing Miss Crabtree...

... where was THIS book when I was in High School?... ok, so I had the hots for the assistant librarian... she wasn't a teacher, but damn, she was hot...

"Even many who have not yet read advance copies of the book are demanding that the government block its publication, set for September 1. "

... now THAT is a plug for a book, people... you want to get people to buy it?... just begin reporting that people want it banned...

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Update...

... for those of you who are interested, Luck was definitely not a Lady last night... she was a gin-swilling crackwhore... hanging all over Biker Steve and The Closet Extremist like a second skin... it was truly disgusting... in short, people, Cousin B and I got crushed... we hadn't played that horribly in months... I think that we won two of ten games played... yes, it was that bad... personally, I blame the snubbing I got from Lady Luck on not having any Scotch... but, I could be wrong...

... as for now?... we be set, children... a lightning raid on Knoxville has been accomplished... and, we have scored a victory.... so, with cabinets bursting again, I am settling in for the evening... a meal of greasy chow mien noodles has just been consumed, and I can hear the strains of the Sponge Bob song drifting in from the Front Room... hell, how can I resist that, I ask you?... quite simply, I can not... thus, I am off to commune with Squidward for a bit... he motivates me... I speak his language... and, I know in an episode coming soon, he'll bash Bob's brains out with a crowbar... color me riveted...

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Quote of the Day...

... from a sunny field near Hereford, England... we get this one...

"Vintage aviation enthusiasts who left their plane in a farmer's field returned to find it being eaten by cattle."

... believe it, or not, children.... I think it might just be a load of bollocks...

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Poolfest...

... Wednesday again, and it finds me unprepared... I can NOT believe that this has happened to ME.... I'm fresh out of Scotch, and I've only 2 fingers left in the bottom of an old bottle of George Dickel... woe is me, children... we poor shooters shall be forced to survive the night... subsisting solely on Absolute, Patron, Bombay Sapphire, and Cap'n Morgan... hell, they won't like it, but it will have to do... I mean, what do they think this place is, anyway?.. a Bar?...

... as a matter of fact, I am thinking of instituting a new rule for these quagmires... every loser of a game deposits a buck in the Booze Fund... I think I'll try it out tonight, and see how expensive it gets.. most of the money will come from MY pocket anyway... with that said, Luck, be a Lady tonight... or, I'll make you go home with Biker Steve...

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Joke of the Day...

... Fresh from the morning email...

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, Woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me.

"He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money tae be able tae affarrdany."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

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