Thanks, Doc...

... I was talking to my Doctor yesterday afternoon, and the subject of Scotland came up.... my Doc knows that I go there every year, and he asked me about my upcoming trip... when I told him that I was going in November, he nodded his approval, and said something to the effect of... "you think you'll get much golfing in on this trip?".... good, Lord... golf??... here was an obviously educated man, and he had no understanding of geography at all... I just looked at him and said, "the last thing I'll be doing in Scotland in November is playing golf.. the climate in the Grampians and Cairngorms is comparable to the Arctic, and you won't want to be wandering across a damn golf course... you'll freeze your nads off"... he gave me another all-knowing nod, and handed my prescription to me....

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Sexual Frustration...

... from gentle reader Christina, we are notified of this lovely story... no doubt the chimp would be drinking like a fish too, if only it were available...

She has turned from a "gentle girl" into a "shrew", said Liu Bing, director of Zhengzhou zoo, Henan province.

Mr Liu said Feili's partner at the zoo was 28 years her senior, and was unable "to meet her sexual demands".

Feili was not addicted to nicotine, he said, but was just imitating tourists.

... a poll of the blogosphere should be mounted, me thinks... smoking and drinking?.. naw, Bloggers don't do that....

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Duty....

... this story is a must... read it... read it more than once... let it sink in... then, read it again...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(5) | Military Stuff
» Snugg Harbor links with: Real Courage

Quote of the Day...

... I hope that this is just a few of the interesting sights we might be lucky enough to behold in Helen this fall... heh.. with opportunities like this, children.. how can you NOT come down to visit Blogtoberfest?..

"If humans can run around in leather shorts and knee-length socks, or frilly smocks, then I thought, why can't dogs?"

... my mind simply cannot form an argument to that statement, people... still, I can't help but wonder what color Velociman's leathers will be.. interesting question, isn't it?... come on down to Helen, and find out for yourself...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(3) | Psycho Rants
» Velociworld links with: A Culture Clash

Personal Flotation Devices...

... I just dropped in here to offer a brief interruption in my day... a day that has been spent watching 3 hours of back-to-back Johnny Bravo episodes... interspersed with City Slickers II... mix in a few G and T's, and it makes for one nice relaxing Saturday at home.... anyway, I was cruising around the net, and I found this... and, I just knew I had to share... you outdoor types are going to love this idea....

"It's far from the strangest idea that has ever come into the heads of imbibing camping aficionados, but unlike many other concepts of equal genius, this one was realized in life. Bulawinov set about advertising the sex doll rafting adventure opportunity online, and, ten months later, in August 2003, Bubble Baba Challenge 1 participants were eagerly hurling themselves through roaring rapids, buoyed by pneumatic breasts and hips."

... heh.. buoyed by pneumatic breasts?.. sorry, people.. but, that is just too strange NOT to post...

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Friendship...

... you seldom read of my daily maladies here... mainly because.. well,
there aren't any... we run a fairly loose ship here.... cooking steaks on the deck... shooting pool... mixing drinks... eating too much red meat... not getting enough exercise.... etc, etc... living la vida SWG is a fulltime job, children.... and for the most part, one helluva party... with all that said, I have just had something pop-up... and, as such, I thought that I'd give you rubberneckeers a glance into my one and only trial...

... I have developed some sort of boil type thing... in a nutshell (which, incidentally, it might just fit into), it is big, red, and painful... anyway, it's just a boil.. so what, says I... I'll just call the ole Doc, and have him slice the bastard off... my appointment, by the way, is Monday at 9:45... just in case you were wondering... still, this post is not really about my boil... it is about the caliber of people that I hang with on a daily basis... ergo, this post...

... since I have developed aforesaid malady, I've had no fewer than 4
people
offer their highly skilled lancing services... firstly, I just want to say this to all my friends... What the Fuck?... what kind of life must a person live to become an expert at squeezing puss-filled protuberances?... I shudder at the thought, children.... I truly do... secondly, one of my friends was an ER nurse.. two others are trained first responders... and the last one is just a psycho... all of them, people... ALL of them have circled me in the past few days like turkey vultures over fresh roadkill... it is disconcerting, to say the very least... also, it is giving me a wondrous insight into who my REAL friends are... here's the deal... real friends tell you to go to the Doctor... what do mine do?.. they beg, cry, and whine for you to put yourself in a position where, without anesthetic, they can get elbow deep in your sore spot... squeezing, prodding, puncturing... torturing... heh.. my friends... they do so love me... hell, I'd let one of them give it a shot, but I'm afraid they'd be selling tickets to the event...

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Beat this Iraqi...

... this Iraqi needs to be beaten... in my opinion, with a lead pipe.. and then shipped back to Iraq... immediately... if you come to a country seeking asylum, you should show at LEAST some common decency and respect for that country... send this jerkoff home where he belongs...

... that is all...

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Twisted Readers...

... a theme seems to be emerging... however bad it is, it is seems to keep coming up... first, I post about watching some squirrels fuck outside my blogroom window... then, I get a comment from Cythen, one twisted sumbitch, who threw THIS LINK into the comments... Cythen, you needs you some meds, my Brutha... whatever you are currently taking is not working...

... then, after posting a small disclaimer about this site, Guy S. of Snugg Harbor starts screaming for MORE SQUIRREL SEX... on top of that, The Evil White Guy chimes in saying he always comes here for his hot squirrel sex stories.... shit, how's a man to win in a world like this?.... so, ok, children.. you people are more warped than I had first imagined... which in itself is disturbing... but, the fact that you keep coming back is just fucking creepy.... but hey, you are here... and, I aim to please... so, since you seem to have that particular itch, go and check out the Squirrel Dorm Sex Cams... pervy bastards...

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Sheep Chic...

.... today, children, our Quote of the Day comes from a humble sheepherder in Inner Mongolia... where, by gummint proclamation, his subjects are being dressed for the occasion... that's right, sheep in protective wrappers... in Mongolia...

"With the help of the dusters, the wool will be finer and sell better," an excited herdsman was quoted as saying."

... you really can't make this stuff up...

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No Pool Tonight...

... word up, children... there shall be no Wednesday Poolfest this evening due to a Hail and Farewell party being held at my house... never fear, we'll be back next week... this week, however, in honor of the Dominicans jumping ship and moving to Chicago... there shall be lasagna, cocktails, and drunken singing... but, no pool... so, if you are reading this, don't show up at my house tonight... come next week instead...

..thank you for your support...

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A Disclaimer...

....this is wee disclaimer for this site... along with a sort of Mission Statement, I suppose... as you people know, I don't do politics... I don't do religion.... I like stories about people being stupid... I like cleavage... I like jokes... I think GW's ears are funny... and, I think that Kerry's glorious fizzog would make any baby cry... I'm just a normal person... still, in general, I am one hell of a tolerant individual... I have my beliefs, and you have yours... hopefully, never the twain shall meet... otherwise, we're all doomed.... so, I have prepared the following list of things that must be understood before reading or commenting on this blog...

... oh, go ahead... there's more in the extended entry...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(21) | Psycho Rants
» Closet Extremist links with: CAn you see why I like him?
» Gut Rumbles links with: read it
» Undercaffeinated links with: Mainly, I blame Eric

Smart and Sexy...

... guess what she's famous for?....

chess.jpg

... no ideas?... heh.... she's a Chess Grandmaster... or, is that Grandmistress?... anyway, she's got brains AND beauty... quite a combo.... AND, she's a brunette with glasses.... wow...

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A Guy with a Heart...

... I guess you people have heard of the Army's new cosmetic surgery deal... right?... well, I feel that I have to disagree with our fine Department of Defense on this one... hell, gimme a natural rack any day... (I don't mind fake sweater puppies... it's just that I prefer real ones)... oh, and hey... your hips a bit too wide?... baby, at least it is natural.. there is absolutely nothing wrong with a nice, natural, child-bearing caboose.... so, please, Ladies.. live with what nature gave you, and revel in it... don't go sticking silicon boobies under your b-cups... leave'em be.. they are just fine... really...

... with that said, I would like to buy this man a beer... sure, he may be a seedy character.. but, you've gotta admit, he's got his heart in the right place...

"Mark Kulkis, who owns Kick Ass Pictures, on Wednesday officially launched his "Bullets Not Boobs" campaign at a press conference outside a military recruiting center in Hollywood.

Kulkis, who employs only "all natural" actresses in his films, said he will give $500 in lingerie and a day at a spa to any woman honorably discharged from the military with her natural breasts intact."

... all I have to say on this matter is this... well, keep up the good work, Brother...

... to our Ladies in Uniform?... I worship all of you... you are doing a great job serving your country... we all owe you a great dept, and we all love you... and, we'll continue to love you even if you have small perkies, and wide thighs... so please, tell the DOD to shove their implants and liposuction... come home as nature intended... please..

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Monster Flick...

...well, the movie was a bust... sure, it had Aliens and Predators... but, there were a few gaps in the story... I'll not go into them here... I don't want to spoil it for you.... in the end, and, here is the rub... the mark of the movie is always this.... would I see it again?... probably not.... it just didn't have the same suspense as either the Alien series, or Predator flicks.... but, if you've always wanted to see these two beasts get it on, then you'll enjoy the movie... even in spite of the bad story line and deviation from previous movie "givens"... acid blood, etc.... still, it managed to get the blood pumping a few times...

... on the other hand, the night went very well... The Wife and I had a great meal at a local Italian restaurant in Athens... we swilled a few beers, and listened to an elderly lady play classical guitar while we ate.... Dos Equis Dark was the flavor of the afternoon.... high culture for Athens, children... high culture.... the only dampener on the meal was when a rather large Mockingbird crashed into the window opposite our table, and bashed it's little brains out.... killed that sucker dead, children... it didn't even flop around after meeting that glass head on at about 20 mph, it just hit the dirt.... the moral?... speed kills, I suppose...

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Opus...

... yesterday, I re-watched Mr. Holland's Opus... what a great movie... yeah, I know it is sappy and romantic... sue me, I was on the Absinthe again... in any case, two things leaped off the screen for me... and, maybe it was just my addled state, but Rowena Morgan was a total toy... of course, Holland did the right thing... hell, he had every opportunity to lay her across that piano, and work it till she squealed.. but, hey... I'm just sayin'.... he didn't, and that was noble...

... anyway, the other thing about the movie?... music, people... it makes life so much richer.... with that in mind, after the movie, I started digging out the old Gershwin... George and Ira were Gods, pure and simple... you want proof?... check it, gentle ones.... that song, quite simply, is timeless....

... what brought on this mood?... ahhh... we all have our soft moments... but, have no fear... I'm off to watch the matinee of Alien Vs Predator this afternoon... blood, carnage, and screaming archaeologists.... it'll have me back to fighting trim in no time...

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Hear Ye, Hear Ye...

... the call has been raised... yet again... Acidman is going to be there... Velociman is going to be there... hell, this is your chance, people... meet the myths Men behind the legends... it's a rare opportunity... miss it at your own peril... besides, if you don't like us, you can fuck off and drink beer by yourself... I mean, it IS Oktoberfest in Helen.... so, what's your excuse?... don't have a blog?... hey, that's cool... come anyway... just leave comments on blogs?... great... we'd all love to meet you...

... the skinny is this... Velociman is Head Honcho of Organization this year... which means he has rooms reserved... being a Gentleman, he needs to realease these rooms if they aren't going to be used by us Blogtoberfest cretins... many a Georgia Tech and UGA frat boy would submit to voluntary castration for a chance at a room in the Comfort Inn that weekend in Helen... so, quit sitting on the fence, and make a decision... cajones are at stake here....

... ok, ok... still not convinced by my sales pitch?... wondering who else will be there?... what, you want a roster?... ok, fine.... as of right now, here are the people you are likely to meet in Helen, GA...

Acidman
Velociman
Kelley from Suburban Blight
Key Monroe from Key Issues
Recondo 32, and his lovely wife Georgia
Adam from Single Southern Guy
... and Me...

... hell, if that doesn't make you want to pack up the children and bring them down for a pint of wheat beer, I just don't know what will...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(10) | Psycho Rants
» The Brier Patch links with: Unblowoffable
» Closet Extremist links with: CAn you see why I like him?
» Dog Snot Diaries links with: Yankee Invasion

..more about squirrels..

... check this out... it's got everything... grouchy old coots... friendship.. beating hippies with canes... freeloaders... and, of course... squirrels..

... somehow, I can picture a scene just like this being played out on the banks of the Chattahoochee in October....

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(2) | Psycho Rants
» Gut Rumbles links with: That hurt

Trivia Quiz..

... what movie is this from?...

"pray for an early Spring... or, for permission to open fire"....

... daily, we circle our wagons, people..... daily...

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Squirrel Sex...

... I was just sitting here... minding my own business.. enjoying the Friday evening... reading a few blogs.... and, the damnedest thing just happened... I noticed a commotion out of the corner of my eye, and two squirrels were having sex halfway up the dogwood tree.. just outside the window of my blogroom.... it wasn't pretty, people... I am shellshocked just from the sight of it... hell, I've never witnessed tree-rat love before... dayum, it was rough....

... as a matter of fact, I just charged my drink again.. after that episode, I NEED a drink... still, I feel compelled to share this experience with you... after all, the viewing of squirrel coupling is probably something that you have never witnessed before... hell, I wish I hadn't seen it...

... anyway, I don't know any other way of putting this.. so, I must be blunt.... squirrels fuck like rapists... the male rushes in, biting and scratching with his bushy tail slicing through the air... he ambushes the female.. pumps furiously for 15 seconds while she is spinning around like a bad Exorcist rerun.. and then, he bails... leaving her dazed and confused.. wobbling across a dogwood limb rubbing her ass against the bark in a vain attempt to scrub out his load.... sick shit, children... sick shit... and all witnessed from this very blogchair...

... the absolutely insane thing is, I used to hunt and EAT squirrels... after tonight, those days are gone... no more shall I ever do that... verily... I wouldn't eat one of those raping bastards if I was starving... I've seen cattle screw a million times, and I like their style.... stroll up to the herd.. pick out a female.. sniff.. lick... mount her up, and pump away.... I'll tell you something, you can learn a lot about a beast by the way it has sex...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(16) | Psycho Rants
» Gut Rumbles links with: animal sex
» Boudicca's Voice links with: The PERFECT Gift!!

Wildlife...

... with bait like this, I think they'd have caught me too...

"They set a trap using as bait some doughnuts, honey and two cans of Rainier Beer. It worked, and the bear was captured for relocation."

.. as a rule, I don't hang with bruins... but, something tells me that I could get along with this one...

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Strange Changes...

... as I was coming home from work today, a few observations struck me... I believe that I am changing slightly.... nothing earth-shattering, but changing, ever so slightly... a few things came to me as I was sitting at the junction of Old Federal Road and 411 waiting to pull out onto the Southbound lane...I don't understand these changes, but they are there...

... it seems that lately I've taken to driving faster than is my usual... normally, I obey the limits set by the local minders... but, to and from work these days?... well, I've been zipping, children... up until now, I've always been the cruiser... enjoying the scenery... not at all the boy racer.. and yet, these past weeks, I have been absolutely throttling the old A4... throwing her into curves that'd make a motorcyclist cum his pants.... the new tires for my baby simply will NOT slide... believe me, I've tried...

... no big deal, right?... here again, something mundane rears it's head... sunglasses, friends... I was gifted a pair in June, and I've just started donning them... I've never worn sunglasses very much... I'd rather see the world as it was intended... not through some tinted plastic or glass... still, I found myself waiting for a gap in traffic today with my tinted goggles on...

... lastly, my sunroof.... I've enjoyed my car for almost 18 months, and the sunroof had never been used.. that is, until two Sundays ago..... I eased her back and let the sun shine in... it was a spontaneous act, really... I just reached up, and twisted the dial... with German precision, the glass retracted, and I was free... actually, as I write this, I see a chain reaction... and, it all began with the sunroof...

... see, here in SE Tennessee, we had a stretch of cool weeks a while back, and I didn't need the air conditioner.... but, I still needed some air flowing... and without a conscious thought, I'd opened the sunroof... a few minutes later, with the sun beaming into the cockpit, I grabbed the sunglasses from the dashboard, and slid them onto my face... a mile or two later, without even thinking about it, I was doing 80 on a rural backroad with my turbo growling like it had been built to.... What gives?... I am confused.... am I beginning to re-live the childhood I missed?... or, am I subconsciously deathwishing as my 32nd birthday swings into view?... I just don't know... but, either way, I don't really give a damn... driving home from work today with Stevie Ray booming Mary Had a Little Lamb from the sunroof?... it was a ride I'll remember for a while... and you know what, children?... I'm going to do the same thing tomorrow...

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Happiness Fairy...

... I just received this little thing in my e-mail... quite a surprise... but, I just LOVE her attitude...

fairy.jpg

... happy dust, indeed...

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Joke of the Day...

... courtesy of Strange Cosmos... enjoy, children...

How Manly Are You Quiz

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.

... the rest are in the extended entry...

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Truth in Advertising...

... heh... you can keep your Astroglide...

.. "No Box is too small for KY Jelly"

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Poor Helen...

... well, it all started when I was trying to organize my yearly vacation with the Wife to her Motherland.... all I needed to know from the interested parties was if we were going to have a 2nd Annual Jawjah Blogmeet... and, if we WERE, then we needed to get our asses in gear, and start making plans... so, a few phone calls later, what are the results?... well, we've got this... and, this... good work, Gentlemen.... what do I have to say, children?... three simple words... yet, somehow evocative... oh, HELL, Yes...

... I mean, c'mon... my birthday is on the 14th of October... and, I'll be spending the weekend of the 15th and 16th in Helen, Georgia with friends and bloggers?... downing pints of wheat beer?... telling great whopping lies, and playing guitar?... tell me I'm dreaming... what a birthday present... boys and girls, the highlight of the Southern Blogger year is coming up... and, it's in October.. in Georgia...

... I doubt poor Helen will ever be the same again after Rob and Kim are finished with her... poor girl... hell, I'm just going to watch...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(3) | Psycho Rants
» A Single Southern Guy In America links with: Jawja Bloggers Ride Again

Quote of the Day...

... language... it amazes me, people... it truly does...

"After Price had checked her luggage, she alleged that she was stopped by an Air France agent who told her that "a head, one bottom and a torso cannot possibly fly on its own."

... intrigued?... say no more.. just click here...

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Nachos Round-up...

... you people sure missed it... I had the distinct pleasure of sharing a table with two fine people yesterday evening... Big Stupid Tommy, and The Closet Extremist.... the beer was flowing... the nachos were good... and the conversation was lively... three members of the Rocky Top Brigade all in the same place... and the roof didn't fall in, either... once again proving my theory that bloggers, in general, are great people to meet..

... impressions?... well, the Extremist has survived many a poolfest... so, he's a veteran... Tommy?... well, he was big, but not stupid by any long shot... a well spoken, and well read gentleman.... and funny as hell... just like his blog... Tommy, it was a pleasure..

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(4) | Psycho Rants
» Closet Extremist links with: RTB mini-meet.

Field Trip...

....... sociable creature that I am, I'll be kicking it with some bloggers tonight... we'll be knocking back a few beers at Applebee's in Athens TN after 5:30 this evening... anyone who wants to tag along, feel free to drop on by... I'll buy you a beer, and we'll eat some nachos... evening jacket optional... shoes and shirt required... hey, we gotta have SOME standards...

... which bloggers?... well, that's a surprise that I'll share with you later tonight... after the fact, of course... but, I'm looking forward to meeting up with them...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(5) | Drinking
» Uptown Girl links with: What's Going On?

Nature...

... a battle was fought on my very doorstep last night... I had no idea it was even taking place until I turned on the porch light... brutal, ferocious, and lightning fast.... decapitations, disembowelments, and dismembering of limbs aplenty... ants, people.... two species... tearing each other limb from limb... it was incredible... there was a carpet of black carpenter ants writhing amongst millions of fire ants... the mass spread across almost one square meter of my front porch... truthfully, I have never seen anything like it before... it was nature in action.. nature in it's truest form... life for one organism often means death to another...

... the fire ants were about of an inch long... armed with sharp jaws and venomous stings... the carpenter ants were to of an inch long... huge jaws made for chewing through wood.... they didn't stand a chance against the fire ants, children... each of the carpenters had two to five fire ants locked onto it... two were busy stinging, and one or two would be dismembering the struggling critter... leg-joint by leg-joint... nature, people... she's a real bitch sometimes....

... anyway, after standing in awe of Mother Nature's mayhem for a while, I, of course, nuked the whole flailing gang with a can of industrial strength Raid... after all, nature can be Nature all she wants out in the woods, but on my front doorstep, I stand ready to defend... call me the vanguard of Civilization, I suppose... I carry no grudge for beasties, creepy-crawlies, or the like... in their place, they will be left quite alone... once they come into MY space, I will not stand for it... and, as invaders, they will die...

... I examined the scene again this morning... it was quite appalling.... black and red bodies twisted together in a death embrace... victims of my chemical weapons attack... even when choking from the nerve agent released from the can, they continued to chew, sting, and swarm.... fighting to the death, real world style... as I stood there contemplating the single-mindedness of the battling ants the night before, I suddenly remembered my Khan Melville... as Ahab once said... "From Hell's heart I stab at thee, for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee."... those ants - even while I was doing them in... never loosed their tangling holds on each other... what unabashed hatred they had.. Nature driving them as only she can.... and, as a result, Death was served to them all...

... a few minutes ago, I swept them onto a newspaper, and threw them out into the lawn.. unceremoniously... on purpose...go back from whence you came, foul creatures... dare not approach my house.... this is MINE... take this small tale as you may, people... maybe you can see something else in it... maybe not.... but, the fact remains that we must fight against chaos.. every day... to preserve our own slice of civilization...

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Robert Service again...

... ok, you tards... prepare for a treat.. or not.... in any case, here is a friggin enormous file of me reciting a poem.... quit laughing, you bastards... Service kicks it.... he was in the Yukon before GoreTex was even dreamt of... besides, I KNOW that you people don't follow my directions.. reading it out loud?... yeah, lie to me... uh huh.... I know you don't... still, if you are not an aficionado of R.W. Service, you probably won't enjoy it... which, much like my Porn Vs. Pony quiz, is a good yardstick of whether you should be reading this or not... anyway, here goes... hell, even if you don't like Service, you'll get to hear my drunken rendition of it... which should be mildly entertaining... that is surely worth the price of admission here...

.. enough talking.... here it is... my recitation... beware, she's a large download...

... oh, and if you care to follow along, here are the words...

The Ballad of Blasphemous Bill...

I took a contract to bury the body of blasphemous Bill MacKie,
Whenever, wherever or whatsoever the manner of death he die--
Whether he die in the light o' day or under the peak-faced moon;
In cabin or dance-hall, camp or dive, mucklucks or patent shoon;
On velvet tundra or virgin peak, by glacier, drift or draw;
In muskeg hollow or canyon gloom, by avalanche, fang or claw;
By battle, murder or sudden wealth, by pestilence, hooch or lead--
I swore on the Book I would follow and look till I found my tombless dead.

For Bill was a dainty kind of cuss, and his mind was mighty sot
On a dinky patch with flowers and grass in a civilized bone-yard lot.
And where he died or how he died, it didn't matter a damn
So long as he had a grave with frills and a tombstone "epigram".
So I promised him, and he paid the price in good cheechako coin
(Which the same I blowed in that very night down in the Tenderloin).
Then I painted a three-foot slab of pine: "Here lies poor Bill MacKie",
And I hung it up on my cabin wall and I waited for Bill to die.

Years passed away, and at last one day came a squaw with a story strange,
Of a long-deserted line of traps 'way back of the Bighorn range;
Of a little hut by the great divide, and a white man stiff and still,
Lying there by his lonesome self, and I figured it must be Bill.
So I thought of the contract I'd made with him, and I took down from the shelf
The swell black box with the silver plate he'd picked out for hisself;
And I packed it full of grub and "hooch", and I slung it on the sleigh;
Then I harnessed up my team of dogs and was off at dawn of day.

You know what it's like in the Yukon wild when it's sixty-nine below;
When the ice-worms wriggle their purple heads through the crust of the pale blue snow;
When the pine-trees crack like little guns in the silence of the wood,
And the icicles hang down like tusks under the parka hood;
When the stove-pipe smoke breaks sudden off, and the sky is weirdly lit,
And the careless feel of a bit of steel burns like a red-hot spit;
When the mercury is a frozen ball, and the frost-fiend stalks to kill--
Well, it was just like that that day when I set out to look for Bill.

Oh, the awful hush that seemed to crush me down on every hand,
As I blundered blind with a trail to find through that blank and bitter land;
Half dazed, half crazed in the winter wild, with its grim heart-breaking woes,
And the ruthless strife for a grip on life that only the sourdough knows!
North by the compass, North I pressed; river and peak and plain
Passed like a dream I slept to lose and I waked to dream again.

River and plain and mighty peak--and who could stand unawed?
As their summits blazed, he could stand undazed at the foot of the throne of God.
North, aye, North, through a land accurst, shunned by the scouring brutes,
And all I heard was my own harsh word and the whine of the malamutes,
Till at last I came to a cabin squat, built in the side of a hill,
And I burst in the door, and there on the floor, frozen to death, lay Bill.

Ice, white ice, like a winding-sheet, sheathing each smoke-grimed wall;
Ice on the stove-pipe, ice on the bed, ice gleaming over all;
Sparkling ice on the dead man's chest, glittering ice in his hair,
Ice on his fingers, ice in his heart, ice in his glassy stare;
Hard as a log and trussed like a frog, with his arms and legs outspread.
I gazed at the coffin I'd brought for him, and I gazed at the gruesome dead,
And at last I spoke: "Bill liked his joke; but still, goldarn his eyes,
A man had ought to consider his mates in the way he goes and dies."

Have you ever stood in an Arctic hut in the shadow of the Pole,
With a little coffin six by three and a grief you can't control?
Have you ever sat by a frozen corpse that looks at you with a grin,
And that seems to say: "You may try all day, but you'll never jam me in"?
I'm not a man of the quitting kind, but I never felt so blue
As I sat there gazing at that stiff and studying what I'd do.
Then I rose and I kicked off the husky dogs that were nosing round about,
And I lit a roaring fire in the stove, and I started to thaw Bill out.

Well, I thawed and thawed for thirteen days, but it didn't seem no good;
His arms and legs stuck out like pegs, as if they was made of wood.
Till at last I said: "It ain't no use--he's froze too hard to thaw;
He's obstinate, and he won't lie straight, so I guess I got to--saw."
So I sawed off poor Bill's arms and legs, and I laid him snug and straight
In the little coffin he picked hisself, with the dinky silver plate;
And I came nigh near to shedding a tear as I nailed him safely down;
Then I stowed him away in my Yukon sleigh, and I started back to town.

So I buried him as the contract was in a narrow grave and deep,
And there he's waiting the Great Clean-up, when the Judgment sluice-heads sweep;
And I smoke my pipe and I meditate in the light of the Midnight Sun,
And sometimes I wonder if they was, the awful things I done.
And as I sit and the parson talks, expounding of the Law,
I often think of poor old Bill--and how hard he was to saw.

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(4) | R W Service
» Bad Example links with: GODDAMN TELEMARKE... ERIC!

Free the Cooters!

... Cooters... a fine Southern euphemism.. yeah, you heard me right... I said "cooters".... a word that is simply not used nearly enough, I'm afraid.. but, after reading this fine post over at The Zen Wanderer, I'm a'changing my ways... why the shift?... in these times we are living in, people are looking high and low for something to whine about... something to offend their tender sensibilities.... Cooters?.. cry me a river, asshelmet..

... people need to grow a sense of humor, or just shut the hell up...

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Porn or Pony?...

... hear ye, hear ye... the following is an official SWG communique... a quiz for my daily rubberneckers has surfaced.. so, go on and take the test... this is a real measurement, people.... if you score less than 4 of 12, then you are reading the wrong site... my site will corrupt you if you stay any longer.. go now, while you still have a chance... if, on the other hand, you score above 4 of 12... well then, welcome home, children... welcome home....

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Bad Karma...

... yep... some things just shouldn't be done... heh...

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Blade Length...

... behold, children... the arms of Biker Steve - Zen Warrior... a regular visitor of my Wednesday poolnights... you've probably heard me mention him before... but, this is the first time his photo has appeared here.... that's me on the right, by the way...

blades_small.jpg

..click HERE for a better view....

...anyway, back to the ARMS displayed.... heh... as you can see, mine is slightly longer.. my Sword, that is.... however, upon closer inspection, does size really matter?... I doubt it.. mine may have been longer, but his was a helluva lot sharper... here is how we two poolshooters stacked up in Wednesday's armamentfest..

Biker Steve
Pistol: Kimber custom .45 ACP
Folding Knife: Cold Steel 7"Voyager
Sword: razor sharp Cold Steel Katana

Eric the SWG
Pistol: Beretta Cheetah 86 .380
Folding Knife: Cold Steel 4"Recon
Sword: unsharpened USMC NCO Sword

... all that, and he STILL kicked my ass at pool... the Dominicans came by again, and a good time was had by all... Cousin B, and Cousin B-lite had wandered off down to New Orleans for the week... so, they were with us in spirit, at least... my garage on Wednesday being the spiritual Tennessee equivalent of a wander down Bourbon Street...

... anyway, we practiced a Samuri-type beheading just for fun, but the photo didn't come out right... why?... well, I was smiling too much.. after all, what does one do when faced with a Katana to the throat?.... smile, people, smile... and, pray to whatever God you believe in... so, no photo of that for you, children... it'll make you have bad dreams... be happy to see our blades... that is enough... you get the general idea... oh, and no blood was spilled during, or while researching this post...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(8) | Psycho Rants
» Gut Rumbles links with: sick shit

Quote of the Day...

... today, kiddies, it comes from one of our wonderful Lady Olympians....

"I'm a freak. I vote Republican, I worship Martha Stewart, and I don't mind being naked."

... damn, I think I'm in love.. oh, and you can check her our in the upcoming Playboy, too.. oh, yeah...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(0) | Psycho Rants
» Say Anything links with: Olympic, Republican Hottie

Yep, Wednesday...

... once again, the Tiger that is Wednesday Night has leaped upon the back of the screaming week... we have arrived safely at another poolfest.... half of the workweek is officially over... the crowd shall be here momentarily... there is one interesting point of note this week, however... and, it is just a wee bit frightening.... see, Biker Steve is bringing his new toy... Cold Steel, children... 38 inches long, and sharp as a razor... he plans on giving us some sort of ninja-type demonstration of it's capabilities.. decapitating a few captured cardboard cones... I've seen the Cold Steel DVD already... these things are bad medicine.... the ultimate weapon to instill fear in any attacker... (other than a crazy look, a wild hairdo, and a straight razor)...

... still, personal defense is something that all of the Wednesday night group hold dear... but, somehow Steve seems to have taken it to that next level... upon seeing it initially, I must say, it makes you want to flee rather than attack the person holding it.. anyway, I sense a photo op of Biker Steve with his Katana.. and, me with my dull USMC NCO Sword... maybe... maybe not.... I don't want to get into swordplay while half-drunk in my garage.... either way, tonight.. as is the norm, shall be full of interesting goings-on... if I end up tomorrow with all my fingers, I will let you all know how things went down...

... later... I'm off to the garage...

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Nigerians again....

... our Quote of the Day, gentle ones... as usual, is not for the faint of heart... it comes from this lovely article... an article that tells the tale of Wife-Swappers weilding bows and arrows... punctured policemen... The Holy Koran.... and much, much more... tis not my obligation to comment, however... I just turn over the proverbial rocks, per se... you guys make up your own minds about what scrabbles out from underneath...

"They were debasing the morality of our community and the teachings of Islam by prostituting their wives in such a way," said Kebbi State police spokesman Ibrahim Sa'ad Muhammed.

... that's right, kiddies... mayhem, violence, a dash of religion, and perversions galore... what a strange, strange world we live in...

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White Cliffs...

... what a view I have from work, children... I was just outside having a smoke, and you could plainly see Starr's Mountain in the distance... more specifically, the White Cliff section of the mountain... a huge white rock face shining in the distance...

... once upon a time, Belle Starr's father-in-law owned that mountain... the James and Younger gangs came to the White Cliffs Hotel to sport with the working women, and shoot a little dice.... it must have been quite a lively joint back in the day... the place burned down in the late twenties... it was rebuilt a few times, but never regained it's original grandeur.... a pity, really... every town needs a nice den of iniquity close at hand... it keeps everyone honest...

... Grandpa Carl once told me of the time he and Great Uncle Ollie had to rescue their wayward brother from the White Cliffs.... he'd been tarred and feathered by some shady card players... evidently, Great Uncle Bill was found cheating at 5 card stud.... his two brothers heard tell of it, and arrived just in time to shoot up the gathered crowd with their revolvers... pulling Uncle Bill from the wooden pickle barrel.... see, the intent of the visiting card sharks had been to cram his tarred ass into the barrel, and roll it down the mountain.... such was punishment for cheating in 1929....

... in the end, though, Bill made it out alive.... he and Ollie moved to Oregon in the early thirties, married sisters, and had a busload of kids.... Grandpa Carl lived the rest of his life right here... but, he loved to tell that story... things haven't changed much around here, though... Starr's Mountain is still there... so are the hill folk.... so is my family.... Hillbilly justice really hasn't changed that much either... some things are timeless, I suppose..... anyway, not that I'm a cheater, or anything, but this is probably the reason why I'm always armed...

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Holy Shit...

... Big Stupid Tommy is selling a napkin on E-bay... what is this world coming to?... hey, I'm bidding.... people, the blogosphere is one helluva awesome place....

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(2) | Psycho Rants
» Just A Girl links with: Sweaty Napkin

Zulu...

... this is going to ramble on a bit... I go various places, and never really reach a destination.... so, you might want to give it a miss... really... I just ran out of Scotch, and I'm on the bourbon... thus, my mojo is slightly out of kilter... that's my story, and I'm sticking to it....

More Straight talk »

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Oh, Waiter?...

... well, people... a word of warning... this is bad... real bad.... you've been warned... I will only point out one sentence...

"When she was confronted about the unsavoury incident the young girl admitted she'd actually been doing it for months because customers were so rude to her."

... follow the link if you want the rest of the story...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(12) | Psycho Rants
» Evilwhiteguy's Blog links with: There's Something In My Soup

Southern Womanhood...

... I swear, folks... this Lady and her Sister are incredible... I don't know who their Pappy was, but you can bet your ass he was a natural born storyteller... a fine tradition of the South... carry on, Ladies.. you both rock...

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High Acclaim...

... for those of you tards who missed it, Harvey has penned a song... hell, I just put up a few crappy chords, and that boy has written a SONG.. I'm so proud, children... I hereby proclaim this song to be the Official Song of SWG... now, all I have to do is memorize the lyrics.... polar bears, Harv?.. damn, boy...

WAY-TOO-WHITE BOY BLUES
by Straight White Eric aka Milky Waters

Woke up late this morning, and grabbed some Wonder bread
Didn't use it to make a sammich, just ate it plain instead
Should I have some rice or popcorn? Man, I hate to have to choose
It's tough bein' so damn cracker, got them way-too-white boy blues.

I like vanilla & tapioca, don't drink no coffee with my cream
Clouds & fog & polar bears, they haunt my every dream
There's no color in my world, even when I try to snooze
Make Edgar Winter look like a brutha, got them way-too-white boy blues

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Nekkid News...

... I don't know for sure, but I'd say that these guys are just copying us Nekkid Bloggers... news is news, people... it doesn't matter if it comes from a newscaster, or a blogger... but, everyone knows that anything delivered Nekkid is superior in quality... heh... personally, I'd give my left nut to see Katie Derham stripped down...

"The phenomenon of Naked News is about to arrive in Britain, although the communications watchdog Ofcom warned yesterday that it must not breach regulations to protect public taste and decency. The programme is to run opposite Sir Trevor's late-evening bulletin on ITV from 16 August."

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Follow-up...

... while on the deck jamming with the crickets last night, I realized that E7 is my favorite chord... followed closely by Bm7... A7 figures into the mix, too... what is it with all the 7ths?... strange, that...

... anyway, I managed to have quite a gentle glow goin' on by the time the phone calls started rolling in from Ohio... evidently, Elvis was a real hit amongst the drunken party crowd... 100 bucks well spent... just remember, people... if you can't be there in person, send along a singing Elvis as an apology... it'll work... trust me... heh... she'll be headed back to Iraq soon with a quite a tale... I just wish like hell I could have found someone like that crossdressing cabaret vagrant from The Fisher King... that would have rocked, children... it would have probably resulted in me being excommunicated by the family, but it would have been one helluva story to take back to Iraq... my sense of humor is sometimes hit-or-miss...

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Saturday Evening Blues...

... I've just spent the afternoon recovering from my adventure on the range... it was very enjoyable, and it provided some sorely needed anger management therapy... now, it is just after 5 in the evening here at Straight White House... there is absolutely nothing on television, the Wife is still at work... and all you bloggers are out doing other stuff instead of writing... bastards... so, I've decided to play some guitar... want to hear a bit?... word up, kids... it's not for the faint of heart... a little Saturday evening blues for you... if you be so inclined... anyway, click if you dare...

... hey, it ain't much, but it's all you're getting tonight... besides, Harvey was the one who asked for it... if you want to blame someone, blame him..

... with that said, take it easy, people... I'm headed out onto the deck to play to the cicadas, and drink Scotch...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(3) | Drinking
» Bad Example links with: NOT QUITE MUDDY WATERS
» Closet Extremist links with: I heard the guantlet hit the ground
» Closet Extremist links with: ...and I picked it up!
» Bad Example links with: GODDAMN TELEMARKE... ERIC!

My Task...

.. I've just spent the better part of 6 fucking hours trying to locate some entertainment... it has been quite a journey, children.... hung up on from some limp-wristed fella in NYC... hung up on by some chain-smoking bitch in Cincinnati.. I finally found Cassandra... (Casey to her friends).. in beautiful downtown Dayton... her company? Great Party, naturally... she recommended Bob Lovelace.. he's my man ... thanks for the hookup, Casey... if you're ever in Tennessee, I've got your back.... I owe you, Sister....

... why the entertainment?... well, my Cousin Kim is just in from Iraq.... Her parents deserted the hills of Tennessee a few years ago, and she's been brought up as a Yankee.. no matter, she's been doing her bit for her country... anyway, the family is throwing her a massive party this weekend just south of Dayton, Ohio... live band, pig roast, kegs at every convenient pausing point.... Dammit, I won't be able to attend.... So, I'm sending a little piece of Tennessee instead... a homegrown Ohio Elvis Impersonator... yep, a little bit of Graceland, people... after all, nothing says Tennessee like Elvis....

... enjoy, Kim.... Safe return, cuz.... you, indeed, have all my best... and, all my admiration..

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Prime Time...

... this article kicks ass... getting a little older now doesn't seem like such a bother...

"Older blokes have all the advantages. Due to being a bit more numb downstairs, we don't as the Pointer Sisters would have it, 'come and go in a heated rush'. We've usually got loads more money than 20 year olds to live high on the hog and buy all those expensive cocktails that make you feel like your brain has exploded. We can appear youthful to older birds but experienced and wise to younger women. Double bubble! We've seen Led Zeppelin live. All of us. We don't really care that much about anything because we know that death's sweet release is only a few decades away.

You might think its undignified to see us on the town head banging to Darkness or playing air guitar to the White Stripes but I have to tell you, we're having a superb time and your mockery means nothing to us. As dear old Hunter said recently to a teenage Middlesbrough upstart "you go and watch reality on telly son while I fu*k your mam"

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Friday...

... driving into work today, the mountains were astonishing... the Sun was just coming up, and the whole valley was bathed in an amber glow... what a view, people.... 64 degrees at daybreak on this August morning..... I am truly fortunate... yesterday, I drove home full of sadness.... this morning, I am revitalized.... what a difference a day makes... sometimes, all we need is a good reality check, I suppose... find out what matters to you, and count your blessings.... so remember, children.... remember this salient fact... no matter how bad it is, it can always get worse.... so, when you reach your limit, stand back for a moment... that's all it really takes...

... now, since this is Friday, I will continue my Zen therapy session by playing with my black gun tomorrow morning.... after all, nothing can make you grin like a day spent at the range.. and, the hint of gunpowder on your clothing while you're settling into an evening's Scotch is remarkably soothing.... so, I'm going to have the whole weekend to myself... Bushmaster to the rescue, gentle ones....

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..heh hehhe.. heh..

.... I'd have imagined that I could have went my entire life without seeing a sentence like this... I was wrong...

"I'm telling the lady, 'Get your kid away from my monkey!'" Seidler recalled."

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Pooltable Results...

... well, children... my mojo deserted me... I got kicked to the curb like a mangy dog... my shooting ability was nil.... after three incredible losses in a row, finally, I resigned myself to drinking Scotch and manning the CD player... hey, you win some - you lose some.... and last night, my groove simply could not be found....

... personally, I blame the Bob Marley music... it explains why reggae is not a favorite among poolhalls... later in the evening, even a hearty dose of George Thorogood could not resurrect my failing skills... I did manage to cop a good buzz though.... once again, a dose of Aberlour deadened the pain of my malfunctioning Meuuci...

... anyway, it was Cousin B's birthday... I gave him a 1889 gold sovereign... we all drank to his health... then, we drank to our health... then, we just drank...

... a good time was had by all... heh... sometimes, Poolfests are enjoyed for the socializing instead of the competition....

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Quote of the Day...

... this story has it all... well... maybe not ALL.. but, a little bit of everything, that's for sure.... Elvis, hookers, "saving the children", local government, nosy neighbors, "little guy" dysfunction...

"Sometimes it is strawberries and champagne, sometimes just a quiet meal with Elvis playing in the background. Occasionally, I sing Are You Lonesome Tonight? to them."

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Me in High School?...

... The Commissar has found the blogosphere's Year Book.. Lord, help us all... we should have burned every copy of that thing the very day it was printed... I've never seen so many mullets in my life... bellbottoms, too.... actually, I vaguely remember those sunny slopes of long ago, I always thought I was voted most likely to become a Serial Killer... still, our esteemed Comrade has opened the pages, and there I am... cowboy boots, Hank Williams Jr. tee-shirt, and jeans... what did I get, children?... what is ole Straight White Guy remembered as?..

... voted most likely to come out of the closet...

... damn, people... busted again... hell, I've been trying to come out of the closet for YEARS, but the damn door has been locked... I suspect that some of the other yearbookers did that on purpose, jokers that they were... so, until the door's unlocked... I shall remain.. affectionately.... straight, white, and male... and, locked in a closet...

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Alien Abduction...

... ok.. don't flip out... some of you may remember when I posted about seeing a UFO a few months back... then again, some of you will not.. (that's why the link is there, jackass..)... anyway, last night I had the weirdest experience... and, since you people keep coming here for my weekly pool table round-ups, and the other strange instances that are my life... I'll share last night with you....

... I went to bed around 11pm.. around 3am, I was awoken from a feverish dream.. in my dream, I had been floating inside a gray cube.. my body was paralyzed... except for my arms and neck... I was surrounded by square rings of some sort that were slowly spinning... (think Superman II).. after struggling for a bit, I noticed that tiny little scarab beetles were beginning to congregate just outside the square bands... fluttering their shiny wings like little silver ladybugs... and, to quote FDR, "suddenly, and without warning", I was attacked... I managed to crush some of them with my hands as they tried to burrow inside my skin.. but, there were just too many of them... some managed to invade me... let me tell ya, children, it was quite disturbing... I woke from this dream wide awake... sitting straight up.... and, it felt like someone was in my house.... inside my home...

... I sat in the bed, and looked into the hallway.. I saw the motion sensor light come on in the living room... at the same time, I heard the floor creak from someone's weight... I quickly slipped out of bed, and grabbed my Mossberg 500 that was sitting in the corner.. it's combat tritium sights giving off a slight green glow as I crept around the corner and into the hallway... nothing... methodically, I checked every door... every window... every room... nothing... I eased back into the living room, and sat on the couch to smoke a cigarette... to try to understand what was going on.. in the back of my mind, I could still register the Wife snoring softly in the distance...

... after a few minutes, I got up... put on my shoes.. I opened the back door and stepped onto the deck.... nothing there but the light of the full moon shining down.... I walked around the house.... no outward signs of disturbance.... 3:30am, and all is well... ... I came inside... had a glass of water... wandered back to bed...

... that is when I heard it... I was almost asleep... it was just like the sound that the little Martian spacecraft made in "Mars Attacks"... it lasted about 15 seconds, and whooshed off...

... what does all this mean, gentle ones?.... well, I think I was abducted by aliens last night... yep... that has to be it... my dream was my subconcious memory of their implanting procedure.... although, I'm not really sure what was implanted... or, probed... we'll probably find that out sooner or later...

... either abduction.... OR, I really shouldn't have had that last Bowmore before hitting the rack.. on the other hand, maybe watching "The Mummy".... "Mars Attacks"... and, "The Manchurian Candidate" all within a week of each other... eating some iffy Taco Bell.. and chasing it with a wee bit too much Scotch was at fault... I just don't know... but, it sure FELT like someone was really in my house this morning...

... then again, I could just be crazy...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(15) | Psycho Rants
» Undercaffeinated links with: The invasion is coming . . .
» A Single Southern Guy In America links with: Don't Blink!
» A Single Southern Guy In America links with: Closing Times, Bulls, And Dancing

Pizzagra...

... I just don't think this will work... call me a traditionalist, I suppose... whatever happened to oysters on the halves?... asparagus?... gimme a break...

"Coming soon to British supermarkets: "Pizzagra," a heart-shaped pie loaded with foods thought to spice up your sex life. Artichokes, asparagus, hot peppers, onions, ginger, cardamom, chocolate, and bananas top a base of tomato sauce, garlic, and basil."

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SWG Movie Review...

... I have just arrived back from watching "The Manchurian Candidate"... if you want my opinion, look no further than the extended entry... if you don't want any spoilers, go ahead and run for the hills now... your call, really...

More Straight talk »

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Joke of the Day...

... once again, my e-mail inbox provides a wee bit of entertainment.... a little something to offend everyone...

possible headlines from the year 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.

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