My Afternoon...

... as a man on the edge who's lost his muse, I've just spent the entire afternoon watching the Rocky Horror Picture Show on DVD... and drinking Absente (Absinthe refined).. hey, it worked for Degas... quit laughing, you bastards, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do...

... anyway, right now, my mind is filled with only one searing thought... what is it?... what great epiphany have I stumbled upon?.... maybe this is the TRUE window to my soul..... I just don't know... but, what I DO know is this... I really, REALLY want to have 24 undisturbed hours alone with Janet Weiss and some chocolate sauce... I think it would be good for my soul...

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The Bat Episode...

... cruising the old blogroll this morning, I happened upon a very helpful how-to over at Annika's place.... Bats, people.... Exactly how do you catch one... a tricky question, indeed... well, I think she's got the right idea... but, in my experience with the children of the night, a box just wouldn't have worked....

... back when I was living in Scotland, our cottage had bats in the attic... every evening, they would emerge to swoop and swirl around our tiny garden... the mosquitoes that ventured up from the Montrose Basin would be absolutely massacred in a flurry of bat activity... it was quite a sight, people... our quiet country evenings hosted a Savage Garden of carnage... luckily, mosquitoes can't scream, or it would have been one hellish scene... anyway, the cottage had been built around 1790... it was actually the "Gardener's Cottage" for a larger Great House in Montrose known as "The Craig"... the Great House had been built in the 13th century... the Wife was absolutely in love with the place... it was secluded... it overlooked the basin and town... awesome sunsets over the Grampians could be seen almost daily... idyllic would be too soft a term... as it ended up, we lived in that house for 8 years... winters were a bit on the chilly side, but the summer months more than made up for it...

... damn, as usual, I'm getting off track.... back to the point... yes, bats... Annika purports that you need a box to catch a bat... I say nay, children.. her bats were sickly ones indeed if she could catch them in a box... for the critters that I encountered, a tennis racquet and lightning quick responses were called for... let me describe the scene....

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An Ingrid...

... last Wednesday's shooting match was different than most... normally, we just cuss, drink, yell, listen to music, and shoot pool... all in all, a pretty raucous time... but, this past Wednesday, everyone acted like total gentlemen... it was an impressive thing to witness, children.... why this change in character?... we had new people.... the Dominicans had come... a Husband and Wife team... fresh from the Dominican Republic... I work with them, and they had decided to give one of my Wednesday Night Fiascos a try.. heh... they enjoyed themselves... and, we enjoyed having them... BUT, the usual crowd of troublemakers refused to make trouble... hell, they were POLITE... Ingrid asked me, at one point, why everyone was being so nice... (she'd heard my tales of Poolfests-past)... I just looked at her.. scanned the rest of the room... and said, "well, Honey... they are being nice because they just don't know you yet.... come a few more times, and you'll be getting heckled just like the rest of us....

... but, dammit, that is NOT what I wanted to share with you people tonight... nope... what was the inspiration for this post?... well, I made my first Ingrid... a libation for Ingrid, incidentally.... so, as her Husband was drinking beer, she sidles over and asks if I would mind mixing her some kind of chick drink... well, what is a gentlemen to do, gentle ones?.. Me?... I immediately waltzed her directly to the kitchen to begin fulfilling her request...

... but, it wasn't that easy... first, she asked for a Cosmopolitan... but, I'd finished the last of the cranberry juice on Monday.... so, she asked for an Appletini... but, we'd downed all of my Apple Pucker on Saturday... dejected, I asked her if she'd trust me to make her a drink similar to those she'd asked for.. she agreed.... I didn't use my book... so, I don't actually know if this is a drink someone else has made, or not... in any case, I dubbed it an Ingrid, and she loved it... feel free to try one yourself... if you like sweet, knock-you-on-your-ass cocktails, this one will fit the bill... heh.. and, her husband thanked me the next morning.. how's THAT for a testimonial?...

An Ingrid
1 shot of Absolute Vodka
2 shots of Apricot Brandy
1 tblsp of Banana Schnapps
1 tsp of Sweetened Lime Juice

... shake with ice, and strain into a cocktail glass... garnish with a maraschino cherry...

... she seemed to like it... but, if any of you budding young barflies know of an actual drink with this recipe, please let me know... otherwise, it will remain forever... an Ingrid...

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Large Women...

... seemingly, a gang of large South African women are prowling the streets.... I swear, you really can't make this stuff up...

"JOHANNESBURG (Reuters) - South African police are hunting a gang of large women thieves who raid stores, threatening staff with knives, and steal mostly small size clothing, a spokesman says.

"When they enter the store they do so in a large group and they intimidate the staff," Inspector Michael Read told Reuters from the port city of Durban where police believe they have arrested most of the gang of 10 to 15 women.

"They're quite large people."

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One Brave Man...

... The Bitterman hits it again, folks.... a story of daring.. courage... and a fierce desire to survive... Bitterman.. after enduring that episode... it's no wonder you are Bitter... go now, children, and read his tale... here's a teaser for you...

"All around me were sounds of female bodily functions. Long, pronounced, high velocity piss streams as if someone was pouring liquid from a boot; deafening farts coupled with audible water displacement; paper wrappers tearing; grunting and groaning; the sickly sweet stench of a thousand brands of WalMart perfume; giant, beehived mounds of permed hair levitating past the top of the stall door. My head swirled inside the cacophony of noise and confusion. It felt as if I had been cast into the very jaws of Hell itself as the vibrating anuses echoed off the sterile tile walls. I struggled to maintain my composure. I clutched at my wits and pleaded with myself to hold on!"

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Culture Shock...

... here's a random factoid for all of you fine rubberneckers...

When the US Army landed in North Africa, among the equipment brought ashore were 3 complete Coca-Cola bottling plants. Why? Because the water was disgusting. Imagine drinking water that tasted much like that of your local swimming pool. Soldiers simply favored drinking Coca-Cola. In 1939, Coca Cola only had 5 overseas bottling plants. By 1945, they had 64.

... amazing... the power of culture, baby... I wonder when they'll start working on that Wild Turkey distillery in Najaf?...

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Quote of the Day..

... from the irrepressible W.C. Fields....

"I only drink to steady my nerves. Sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months."

... kindred spirits, me thinks....

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...Outed, children...

... sure, I'm Eric... you know, the Straight White Guy.... but THIS TEST just ruined all that..... damn.... it's a good thing today is Wednesday... and, I'll be shooting pool with a bunch of guys... oh, wait.... DAMN... do you think having a few drinks around a bunch of GUYS is a good idea at this stage?... maybe I should just cancel the poolfest tonight... sleep on it, so to speak... and see if I wake up a changed man..

... Hell no, children... screw it.... I'll take my chances...

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Joke of the Day...

... fresh from the morning e-mail, something to offend everyone...

... new State Mottos... hey, don't blame me, I didn't write them...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(8) | Jokes
» Bad Example links with: NEW STATE MOTTOS

Audiworld...

... wow... it seems that the good folks over at Audiworld don't agree with my taste in fine Scots delicacies... actually, they may have a point.... that photo wasn't exactly showing off it's best side... still, I'll give them this... Haggis sure ain't for the faint of heart... but, dammit, I still expected a bit more guts from a bunch of Audi drivers... after all, I drive me an Audi, too...

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I Swear...

.... I swear, children... SWEAR unto all that is Holy.. I did NOT have SEX with that BLOG... sorry, the Dem Convention has me all torn up.... but, you must understand... all I did was to delete a few spam comments.... honest...... and, my job ain't over yet.. there are still a few left to delete...

... what?.. you think I ENJOY curb-crawling through that stuff?... that filth that is Velociman's comment spam?... you pervs.... you are sick... well, maybe I DID enjoy it .... just a little.... still, let us not berate an innocent man... after all, this IS my good deed for the week... mind your own business.... my karma needs this...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(3) | Psycho Rants
» Key Issues links with: Happy Dance

For Acidman...

... I've been meaning to do this for some time... but, I have been remiss.... for those of you who come here often, you will know that I tend to post songs quite a bit... songs that I enjoy.. and, even more importantly, songs that make me think, or remind me of someone... songs that are important to me... well, with that said, I hereby dedicate this song to Rob... may you always roll with the punches, Bro...

... you know, each time I've met the Acidman, we've tried to muddle through some Buffett tunes on our guitars... always badly... always drunken... and, ALWAYS a lot of fun.... I guess that every guitarist worth a damn knows at LEAST one Buffett song... anyway, this song is a lesser known tune.... that doesn't mean that it isn't incredible, however... some of Buffett's old stuff is absolute creative gold, children.... and, this is one of my all-time favorites.. anyway, since he's livin' large in Costa Rica.. and, he doesn't take any shit from anyone.. I thought he might get a kick out of this one.... feel free to sing along, gentle ones... here are the lyrics, if you are so inclined....

Cowboy in the Jungle by Jimmy Buffett

There's a cowboy in the jungle
And he looks so out of place
With his shrimpskin boots and his cheap cheroots
And his skin as white as paste

Headin' south to Paraguay
Where the Gauchos sing and shout
Now he's stuck in Porto Bello
Since his money all ran out
So he hangs out with the sailors
Night and day they're raisin' hell
And his original destination's just another
Story that he loves to tell

With no plans for the future
He still seems in control
From a bronco ride to a ten foot tide
He just had to learn to roll

Roll with the punches
Play all of his hunches
Make the best of whatever came his way
What he lacked in ambition
He made up with intuition
Plowing straight ahead come what may

Steel band in the distance
And their music floats across the bay
While American women in mumus
Talk about all the things they did today
And their husbands quack about fishing
As they slug those rum drinks down
Discussing who caught what and who sat on his butt
But it's the only show in town

They're tryin' to drink all the punches
They all may lose their lunches
Tryin' to cram lost years into five or six days
Seems that blind ambition erased their intuition
Plowin' straight ahead come what may

I don't want to live on that kind of island
No I don't want to swim in a roped off sea
Too much for me, too much for me
I've got to be where the wind and the water are free

Alone on a midnight passage
I can count the falling stars
While the Southern Cross and the satellites
They remind me of where we are
Spinning around in circles
Living it day to day
And still twenty four hours may be sixty good years
It's still not that long a stay

We've gotta roll with the punches
Learn to play all of our hunches
Makin' the best of whatever comes your way
Forget that blind ambition
And learn to trust your intuition
Plowin' straight ahead come what may
And there's a cowboy in the jungle

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Nude in the Rain...

.. have you ever been sitting in the noonday heat... enjoying the view from your deck... sipping on a cup of coffee... and, just generally watching the world go by?.... maybe you might have asked yourself, under such circumstances, just what would you do if it clouded up and started to rain... today, I found out the answer to that question..... what did we do?... absolutely nothing... it was awesome... the temperature was still around 90 degrees... the rain was warm... and, we were rained on by a sweet Southern thunderstorm as nature intended, children... it was incredible... the Wife got up, and went inside after about two minutes... I kinda figured she'd wimped out... but, 30 seconds after she disappeared, she slips back out onto the deck with a bottle of champagne... there we sat... high noon... laughing, naked, soaking wet, and drinking California's finest... enjoy the simple things, friends... they are what it's all about..

... so, how is your weekend ending?... mine?... well, the champagne is finished.. dinner is on the stove... I'm settling in to a nice Bowmore... and, Robert Redford's "The Natural" is coming on at 8... you might say that I've had a good weekend....

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What a Night...

... first of all, let me just say this.... any time you have a party... and wake up in the morning on the couch fully clothed... with your fly down... well, children, it MUST have been a good party...

... I played the dutiful host... kept the wine glasses filled... grilled the chow.... Ribeyes, boneless pork ribs, and skinless smoked sausages.... the Wife made the salad, and baked the potatoes.. but, I have to say... having guests over is sometimes heard in the colloquial as "entertaining".. well, I certainly didn't entertain.. I might have "hosted", but the Colombians were providing the entertainment... they had brought with them some South American dance music.... one word, gentle ones... "Wow"... I have never seen so much ass-jigglin' in my entire life... word up, people... South Americans dance like there IS no tomorrow... if you ever have any over for dinner, be sure to move all of your breakables to a safe place... it was one helluva night... and, a good time was had by all...

... one of the comments to the post preceding this was from the vivacious Uptown Girl... she queried me on my grilling secrets...well, while I am assuredly not an expert, I am more than happy to share my slight insight into seared flesh for her...

... so, here are my "Tips For Grilling".... oh, and before you start getting all excited, my Tips are quite simple, really... anyway, here they are.... start off with quality meat.. spend that extra 5 bucks, and get the good steak... hell, you only live once.... second, don't over marinate... if you meat is of a good quality, it doesn't need any other flavors.. I use a little Worcestershire sauce, and nothing else...after all, you want to taste steak, not additives...thirdly, cook it slow on a low heat.... this especially applies to ribs.. I marinated the pork ribs in a Caribbean Jerk-style sauce... cooked them for about 20 minutes, and they were divine... and, lastly... the number one tip for backyard grilling is... keep it rare, people... over-cooked equals tough... you might like it in your man, but you don't want it in your steak... no toughness... there... easy, right?... add in a few excellent bottles of 1997 Rioja... some Cha Cha music... and, copious amounts of ass-jigglin'... and you'll have yourself a night just like I had.... easy-peasy... now, go forth and grill in peace... thus speaketh Eric...

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Grillin'...

... the Colombians are coming over this afternoon for a visit... they don't speak English very well.... and, my Spanish is non-existent....so, I've opted to grill them some cow flesh... Ribeyes, to be precise... the universal language, people... seared meat... from the time the first primeval Cave-dweller grunted his incomprehensible approval after accidentally dropping his leg-of-woolly-rhino in the campfire, seared meat has been the equalizer of men... should be fun, I suppose... after all, I am fluent in Steak...

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Space...

... yesterday was my Mother's birthday... a few of us pitched in, and bought her a set of patio furniture.... she spends a lot of time outside, so I know she'll enjoy it while she's sitting around the pool.... I'm headed over there this afternoon to put the table together for her... you know, I love my Mother, but I don't visit as much as I should... going over to her house always bothers me just a little.. I know it sounds crazy, but the house where I spent my happy childhood is now a place I find hard to visit... everywhere I look, I see reflections of my Father... the swing he built... the three-rail fence that he and I labored on for years... the great, arching trellis, and the muscadine vine that covers it.... he is everywhere... going over there really makes me miss him.... his monster of a barn always strikes me hardest.... he built it when I was just 5, but I remember it vividly... that building will be here when I'm dead and gone, people... he built it to last.... the beams under the floor are "bridge timbers" that he got from the railroad.... 16"X8", my friends... indestructible... hell, even the flooring itself is made from 4"X10" boards.... incredible... that building was much more than just a barn... it was his bastion... his hideaway.... his workshop... his solitude.... my Father and I were the same in that aspect.... we have a basic need for a safe place... a place that is our own... not to be shared... a place to display our trophies.. antlered heads... turkey beards.... military unit photographs... university diploma... autographed photo of a topless Halle Berry.... whatever it is that reminds us of the road we've traveled.... needful things, I think.... things that we've collected over time... signposts to our past... mementos of battles won, or lost...

... each of us needs a sanctuary... be it a barn... a blogroom... a bar... under the shade tree in the front lawn... or, just inside a good book... we all need a place that is ours alone... at least I do...

... I haven't been inside my Father's barn in two years.... I don't know why... I just haven't... but, I still have the key to the padlock.... today, I'm going in there to get the tools I'll need to put the lawn furniture together...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(8) | SWG Stories
» Bad Example links with: ON SANCTUARIES
» seldom sober links with: Carnival of the Vanities #98

Pooltable Report...

... another exciting night of misadventures was enjoyed yesterday... even a new style of gaming was tried... instead of cutthroat, or team play... we attempted the "winner holds the table" approach... why?... well, that's a strange story...

... Biker Steve arrived first... he and I played fairly well... but, when Cousin B showed up, as per the norm, everything went to hell in a hand basket.... after serving up the appropriate tribute for the new Jag, we Gentlemen retired back to the kitchen to get out of the heat... so, as tends to happen in said kitchen when the crew is visiting, drinks started being mixed... Steve and I created a mixture, children, that will knock your head off.... four shots of 90 proof Peach Schnapps, and 4 shots of Absolute Vodka... shaken with ice... and, served in a cocktail glass... wow.... as you can imagine, the mad billiards skilzz of Steve and I went down hill rather quickly... still, the sight of Biker Steve holding a martini glass was worth the effort... some people just don't look right... it doesn't sit well with his tattoos.... we're all about diversity here, people.... but, some things are just wrong... but, as a result of those peach schnapps bombers, Steve and I just decided we needed to sit and watch... instead of play... so, letting the winner hold the table gave us more of a chance to just relax... and, at the end of the day, relaxing is exactly what these Wednesday Poolfests are for...

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Another Reason...

... just another reason to hate Hollywood, gentle ones.... articles like this are singlehandedly attempting to place our jewels in the line of fire... this should not be stood for... I don't care HOW funny they think it is... some things should be handled with care... always...

"Maybe it's the exposure, the vulnerability or simply a white-hot resentment of men. Whatever it is, few things from Hollywood's greatest creative minds elicit the crowd-pleasing merriment of watching a grown man take a monster shot to the groin."

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B's Jaguar...

....well, it is that time of the week again... a deepening sense of foreboding is present... still, I must show... even if it is to stare into the maw of defeat.... it is times like this where we find out what kind of cloth we're cut from... today, I'm probably a baby-blue velour.. but, we'll see.... on the upside, we'll be getting an an added bonus this week... what is it?... .heh... we get to see B's new ride.... a Jaguar, friends... yep... no more driving up my driveway in a cow shit-splattered Chevy... hell, B's only had it two days, and he's already gotten a speeding ticket.. I guess he just had to let that baby growl... too bad that the Cops have a thing against growling in Spring City... 91 in a 55 is just bad, bad medicine, children.....

... the plan for tonight?... well, if I start losing in a big way, I'm roadtripping the Jag to the Maryville liquor store.... screw those guys, they can play without me...

UPDATE:.. just in case you cretins didn't know it... I'm guestposting over at Adam's place... drop by if you get bored... the cheese is getting deep over there...

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Bird Fight...

.... I saw an interesting sight on the way to work this morning.... A Mockingbird was chasing, and attacking a Redwing Blackbird... I actually pulled the car over to watch... the colors were amazing... swishes of gray, white, black, red, purple, white, tan, black, white... it just kept on going... quite something to see.... I suppose it was nature's equivalent of a New Orleans Pimp throwing-down with Bozo the Clown... they were making one helluva noise, too...

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Comment Party...

... sometimes, the most innocent actions can have unintended results.... see, it all started when I jumped across the bar to make myself a drink... next thing I know, we've got an inebriated nekkid women slowly riding a mechanical bull... now, THAT is a party... heh.... and, be sure to read the comments, children... around #10 or so, it starts getting sticky....

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is Naum a female name?...

.... ouch... this is wrong on so many levels...

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An Explanation...

... it has just been brought to my attention that some of you.. you know who you are... have no idea what in the HELL I was talking about in this post.... so, I must rectify... shit, it seems like that is all I ever do around here anyway.... so, to answer your FIRST question... Johnny Winter is an albino Caucasian dude.. a self proclaimed Bluesman of the highest caliber... and, once upon a time, he cut an album with the inimitable Muddy Waters... interestingly titled "Hard Again"... heh... thus, my statement stands true that Mr. Winter is the absolute whitest man I have ever seen... you don't believe me?.. go over to his website, and check him out...

... secondly, I made the offhand remark about getting more fun out of John screaming... than I did outta Mr. Water's singing... this too, I understand, confused some of you retards... so, like the kindhearted gentleman that I am, I will explain.. listen to THIS SONG... Mannish Boy, children... a classic.. and, extremely good shit... but, if you listen closely, you'll hear ole Johnny screaming like a schoolgirl in the back of a Chevelle on a blind date with a well-hung linebacker...

... dammit, people... don't make me explain EVERY thing.... get a friggin library card or something...

UPDATE:... Winter is actually CREDITED on the album as "Johnny Winter - Guitar,/miscellaneous screaming".. so, there...

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Star Gazing...

... the day is almost over now.... the television is off... and, the Sun is about to set... I'm just now kicking back with a nice evening drink... and, I'm heading out to the deck to enjoy it in just a minute... one incredibly long day at work has just been endured... but now, everything is peaceful... in a nut shell, children... I am content... totally content... today was a one strange day... what began as a normal Monday, will be imprinted on my brain for a long while to come... not only for the work accomplished... but, for the scene that unfolded...

...that being said, I have a question for you... what is it that makes the high school nerd fall for the cheerleader?... or, what makes a boxer fight above their weight-class?... is it bravery?.... is it pure cajones?.... is it a showing of absolute self certainty and will?... and, therefore, something to be admired?... or, is it actually a flaw in our humanity... I just don't know... but, lately I've been wondering if it is more important to strive, struggle, and give 110% of yourself to attempt to get your prize... a prize that you may never be able to win... or, is it simply better to settle in and enjoy the ride?... accept the life you have... and, enjoy a life of relaxed underachieving... hell, maybe underachieving is the wrong word... maybe just merely saying "accepting" is the right word.... you know what I mean?... I'm not talking about dragging yourself out of the gutter, people... I'm talking about going for the marrow of life.... be it money, sex, political office, corporate ladder, fancy car... is it better to keep climbing?... or, just realize you've got where you want to be?... imagine for a moment... which is better?.. deciding to dive in and chat up the blonde on the barstool who has just ousted 20 suitors.. or, is it more your style to sidle up to her friend who never gets hit on?... which one would you choose?... aim high, or aim to succeed?... what drives us to choose these vastly different paths?...

... should we reach for the stars - and, perhaps attain one... or, sit back and enjoy the feeling of attaining our goals... even if they are slightly less sparkly... is it better to "accept", and stagnate?... or, to be driven?... and, is "accepting" really stagnation?... hell, when is it appropriate to rest on your own fucking laurels?... is it ever?...

... maybe Eastwood was right after all.... "A Man's gotta know his limitations"... and, children... some people I witnessed today just haven't realized a simple fact... what is it, gentle ones?... well, to put it bluntly, they are outside their weight-class.. and they will never realize it...

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In Retrospect...

... yesterday afternoon, two of the usuals came over for a few games of pool.... Cousin B, and Cousin B-lite... we had a blast... however, a few things of consequence have been decided this morning...

.... mainly, under no circumstance is Cousin B-lite to be turned loose unsupervised near the liquor cabinet... I don't know what in the great living HELL he was mixing, but whatever it was, it was just plain dangerous...

... secondly, Johnny Winter is absolutely the whitest guy I have ever seen...

... interestingly enough, nachos and burritos actually go really well with shots of frozen Rumplemintz.... but, it is not a very good idea to marry them together on a Sunday night at 11 O'clock...

... and, lastly... when you are listening to Muddy Waters, and you start paying more attention to Mr. Winter's random screams than you do to Muddy singing... all is lost... the Blues suddenly becomes quite funny... in a half-drunk with a pineapple-drink kinda way..

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Absolute Handsome...

... Sud Lor, if you happen to be Thai.. has beaten the rap... cleared by forensics, children... not guilty of murder most foul.... he was hired to perform by a mild mannered group of AIDS Forum workers for 2 million baht... and the next thing he knows, he's being charged with murder?.... good on ye, Handsome... I always knew it was a framejob...

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Brando...

... I've read many fine blogposts about Brando and his passing... people mentioned A Streetcar Named Desire... The Godfather... On the Waterfront... etc... but, out of all the stuff people wrote about him... this article strikes me as the finest... hell, you can keep your Streetcar... but, The Last Tango in Paris?... The Missouri Breaks?... there lies the REAL Brando... as the article says...

"I think part of it was that he just liked to mess with people," Bendetson said. "He did like to be playful, but I think the other part was he thought this would just help his character."

... "just liked to mess with people"... that is the spirit of Brando, folks... a fellow hedonist to the end, he will be missed... so long, Marlon, you magnificent bastard... you were a one-of-a-kind....

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Martha...

... Mia has an idea about Ms. Stewart.... tis a brilliant plan... Mia and Martha... hey, it could work... and, as an added bonus, I could mail the shank-making idea to all of my relatives at Brushy Mountain...

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A Slice...

... one could say that I have a more narrow vision than most... but, it is with purpose, gentle ones.... behold...the view from my Wednesday ensconcement... in a vaguely western direction... sadly, the rest of the photos from Wednesday reveal entirely too much of the debauchery... even this one, while daylight was still present, had to be edited... oh, children... the tales those photos tell... shocking... shocking.. after the Sun fell, Bacchus passed out in the corner... WE did not... hell, I've got the photos to prove it...

... but, there is always a bright side to every trainwreck... what am I talking about?... personal growth, people.... see, up until now, my interesting little existence only allowed me to extort nickels and dimes... but, after downloading these photos from the digital camera... well, things are looking up.... something tells me I am a rich man... oh, yes....

small_slice.jpg

..click HERE for a better view....

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Ode to Velociman...

... as some of you old crusts might remember, I have just recently been baptized into the Church of Tom Waits... it was a brutal affair, actually.. twas quite a difficult task to gather that much Scotch and cigarette butts together in one antique porcelain bathtub... still, I took the plunge.... hell, I doubt I shall ever be the same again... but, all in all, the fact remains... I am now ordained, my children...

... anyway, as I was funkin to the groovy tunes last weekend, a thought came to mind like a blinding aneurysm... shazaam.... heh... I know exactly what Velociman (most likely poor Velociboy, as well) are up to down in Key West... that well known nest of iniquity and vice... they were livin', baby... Key West style.... so, without further interruption... take it away, Tom...

... shit, I almost forgot.... anyone who knows what a Buffalo Squeeze is gets a dollar... maybe Adam knows... Buffalo River?.. Buffalo Squeeze?.. Adam?... oh, and remember, feel free to sing along... it will make you a better person... honestly...

Pasties and a G-string

Smelling like a brewery,
looking like a tramp
I ain't got a quarter
got a postage stamp
Been five o'clock shadow boxing
all around the town
Talking with the old men
sleeping on the ground
Bazanti bootin
al zootin al hoot
and Al Cohn
sharin this apartment
with a telephone pole
and it's a fish-net stockings
spike-heel shoes
Strip tease, prick tease
car keys blues
and the porno floor show
live nude girls
dreamy and creamy
and the brunette curls
Chesty Morgan and a
Watermelon Rose
raise my rent and take off
all your clothes
with the trench coats
magazines bottle full of rum
she's so good, it make
a dead man cum, with
pasties and a g-string
beer and a shot
Portland through a shot glass
and a Buffalo squeeze
wrinkles and cherry
and twinky and pinky
and FeFe live from Gay Paree
fanfares rim shots
back stage who cares
all this hot burlesque for me

cleavage, cleavage thighs and hips
from the nape of her neck
to the lip stick lips
chopped and channeled
and lowered and lured
and a cheater slicks
and baby moons
she's hot and ready
and creamy and sugared
and the band is awful
and so are the tunes

crawlin on her belly shakin like jelly
and I'm getting harder than
Chinese algebraziers and cheers
from the compendium here
hey sweet heart they're yellin for more
squashing out your cigarette butts
on the floor
and I like Shelly
you like Jane
what was the girl with the snake skins name
it's an early bird matinee
come back any day
getcha little sompin
that cha can't get at home
getcha little sompin
that cha can't get at home
pasties and a g-string
beer and a shot
Portland through a shot glass
and a Buffalo squeeze
popcorn, front row
higher than a kite
and I'll be back tomorrow night
and I'll be back tomorrow night

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Colin Farrell's package..

... ok.. first off, let me just say this... I do not have a problem with nudity... I mean, it IS our natural state, right?... we were born that way, people... but, I have to admit... I'm not exactly thrilled about the possibility of accidentally catching a glimpse of Colin's tallywacker... no matter how big it is...

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Wednesday again...

... the battle will soon be on, gentle ones... now that the new fan is up, crying should be kept down to a minimum... hell, at least when they lose now, they can't blame sweat as the scapegoat... no, sir... not any more...

... that being said, I will leave you with a point to ponder... from Anacreon...

... "War spares not the brave but the cowardly"...

... and, so it is, people... cover me, I'm going in...

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Joke of the Day...

... gotta love those Cajuns... almost reminds me of some of people around here....

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were sitting in back of their trailers shooting the breeze. Bou ask Thib, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin an' made love to your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?" Thib scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't tink so.....but, it shore would make us even

... yeah, yeah... I know... but, be honest... isn't this the quality you have come to EXPECT around here?...

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Ceiling Fan Blog...

... Cousin B, and Cousin B-lite are coming over today to install a ceiling fan in the garage... yep.. a ceiling fan... why?... well, for the past two weeks, all those Wednesday night babies have bitched, complained, and cried about how hot it is in the garage... shit, I had CENTRAL HEATING ducts piped out there LAST year.. 400 damn dollars, people... so, for all intents, we have friggin' air conditioning in the garage... anyway, they whined about the heat... and, it wasn't long until someone mentioned that I needed a fan... I said, with a few choice words - if they wanted a fan, they could BUY ONE... well, children... be careful what you ask for... I just got a call from the Cuz, and he's on his way over here with a 54" wide ceiling fan... bound and determined to install it today... before tomorrow's poolfest..

... am I going to help?... no way, man... not a chance, children... I plan on drinking cocktails and watching... since this entire endeavor was most definitely NOT my idea... after all, I paid for the damn air conditioning vents...

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Quote of the Day...

... coming from this article, a fresh, new, and exciting Quote of the Day...

"It's not every day a van full of jail inmates chases down an escapee in a getaway car, especially when the van is towing a portable toilet at speeds few portable toilets have gone before."

... quite a mental picture, if you ask me...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(3) | Psycho Rants
» Gut Rumbles links with: high-speed shit

Nature...

... Pelicans trying to land on asphalt?... thinking it is water?... yep, you guessed it.... they are on the endangered species list...

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S&M Fantasy...

... hey, it's not really my cup of tea... I have tame tastes... but, as they say, it takes all kinds... and, no.. I have't seen the infamous Cameron Diaz vid... I've always been a sucker for brunettes.. still, the idea of her topless in leather leading some poor submissive schmuck around like a dog... well, it does have a certain appeal... even if only in a carwreck rubbernecking kinda way...

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Guesting...

... well, once again, I have been asked to post some crap over at Adam's house... I'm sure his regular visitors are pleased... heh... hey, it ain't MY fault.. HE asked ME, people...

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Thrasher...

... what does it take to be a musician?.. one thing is for sure, children.. it takes a lot more than just talent.. or even an affinity with an instrument.. being a musician is a state of mind, I think... getting lost in a song you are playing... simply because you love it so much... enjoying the sounds you are making.. creating these sounds for yourself...

... I have an old Fender that I bang on from time to time... I taught myself to fingerpick it back when I was 16, and I've never looked back... I always viewed my playing as a very private thing.. not for anyone else... when I wanted to play, I'd isolate myself... the back porch.. the garage... and I would play my music... it wasn't until the past year that I've started attempting to sing while playing... prodded on by a friend from work who also plays...I have to tell you.. I didn't like it at first... I was too nervous to rip into a song in front of someone... sure, I had no problem busting in with the guitar.. but, my voice was a totally separate situation... I just didn't feel comfortable...

... a good friend suggested a solution this problem....what was it?... it was quite cunning, actually.. he recommended that I learn a few Neil Young songs... after all, I enjoyed his fingerpicking style, and his lyrics were great... but, better yet, it really wouldn't matter if I was off-key too much.. so, I set about learning Thrasher... a crackerjack of a song.. the lyrics are incredible... for instance..

"it was then that I knew I'd had enough - burnt my credit cards for fuel, and headed out to where the pavement turns to sand"

..and, of course...

"down the windy halls of friendship, to the rose clipped by the bullwhip, the motel of Lost Companions waits with heated pool, and bar"

... classic... I love singing this song.. even though I do it badly... it doesn't really matter... I sing it for me.. hell, I've even tortured a few bloggers with it when I met them in person... the point is, this song made me wonder about what a musician really is... and, I think it is this... playing with your heart... loving what you are doing... and, having the nerve to lay it all out there for everyone to see... and, even if you are still playing alone on the porch - laying out there for your self to see... there is a huge difference between an... entertainer... a performer... an artist.. I am none of these... but, I am a musician.. even if I have no audience...

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Scotch...

... I am proud, people... why?... well, as the Hillbilly says, I set him off on his journey into the World of Single Malts... in around 6 months, he and his Mrs. have went from rank amateurs... to skilled connoisseurs.. good work, Buddy Don... keep on enjoying it... hell, I may not have any blogchildren.. but, at least I have a Scotchchild...

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Lasagne...

... now that the liquor cabinet is pleasantly full once more... I am at ease.. and, as I often do when I am alone and at ease, I'm off to eat lasagne and watch Jeremiah Johnson... always remember, people... it is the simple pleasures that you must savor... simple ones... g'night....

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Wildlife Update...

... further to the creepy-crawly Sentry at my door, I just walked out onto the deck to have my morning coffee... and, what did I see?... a frog, gentle ones... no, not hopping around in the grass.. the darling creature was clinging to the side of the house... all the way up under the eave... but, why?... what possible reason could it have for wanting to climb up there?.. strange little beast... anyway, this incident, while mildly amusing, lacked a response from me... frogs being known to climb stuff occasionally... and, it was a very pleasant shade of greenish-yellow, so I just let it be... after all, it was minding it's own business, and enjoying the morning view like I was....

... but, I wandered through to the blogroom just now looking for my pants, and there is a giant beetle walking across the window screen... what gives, people?... it's black... about a inch and a half long... with huge pinchers... dammit, what would drive such a beast to climb 12 feet up the side of a house?... maybe my backyard denizens sense a mountaineering spirit emanating from the Straight White House, and follow suit?... who knows?... I have climbed a few things in my time simply because they were there...so, perhaps this is my fault... but, in Mr. Beetle's case, his activities are not welcome... he climbed the wrong window screen today, friends... but, don't think me callous... haven't we ALL climbed the wrong screen sometimes?..

... some of you may have remembered my run-in with the moth a few months back... just as a Luna is appreciated, mediocrity is not.. thus, Mr. Ugly Moth had to die... and today, we see history repeating itself... the frog, while pleasant, was left unharmed... the beetle.. well, it is his misfortune to be a beetle... fickle, people... and arbitrary.. such is life...

... anyway, I'm off to Knoxville on a Booze Run... I'm almost out of Scotch, and that simply will not do... and yes, dare not ask the fate of the beetle.. you already know the deal..

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Quit Crying...

... ok, ok, ok, ok... enough already... quit bitching... I put up a post last night... I had a song in the post... it was linked under the following phrase...

... it's better to burn out... than to fade away...

... it was meant as a tribute to Anna... and, as a portent to my own inevitable blogicide... this morning, in the sober light of day... I deleted the post... so, for all you retards who enjoyed the song... enjoy yourselves....

... oh, and the next time you see a link to this song, SWG will be up for rent... highest bidder, baby... why?... because I'll be hiding in Honduras...

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A Trend?...

... anyone else see a pattern emerging?... first, the pigs are boinking the local mongrels in Kenya.... and now there are reports of Kangaroos drowing Australian pets?... the World is going nuts, or something... why can't we all just get along?.. heh.. nature, baby... you just gotsta love her....

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Strange...

... I'm speechless... pigdogs....

"Kenya town kills 500 pigs for mating with dogs


NAIROBI, July 9 (Reuters) - A Kenyan mayor ordered more than 500 pigs to be shot dead because they were mating with stray dogs, the East African Standard reported on Friday.

A squad of town council guards moved from estate to estate shooting pigs roaming free in Nyahururu town, 150 km (95 miles) north of the capital Nairobi.

Town mayor Muritu Karumba said he ordered Thursday's cull to avoid an outbreak of disease caused by the pigs and dogs mating, which he said broke the laws of nature and "caused unnecessary commotion."

But the unfortunate pigs' owners immediately cried foul, claiming collusion between Nyahururu's authorities and the town's bacon traders to cut competition in pork supplies. "

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(4) | Psycho Rants
» Donnie and Bejus and Donnie's

Ain't Done It!

links with: Hassouns Kick Ass and Take Names

..say it ain't so....

... today just keep getting worse, and worse.... come back, Anna... dammit...

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Mexicans...

... what a way to get the morning started... this story has me livid.... disrespectful, disdainful, and just plain wrong... Juan Lopez, you deserved so much more than your native land let you have.... Semper Fi, Brother..

"Four Mexican soldiers blocked their path, asking the four Marines and six others who had served as pallbearers to return to the car that had brought them to the funeral. Several minutes of discussions by soldiers from both countries continued until a trumpet player began a rendition of taps and the funeral proceeded, despite the objections of the Mexican troops."

..you are damn right it proceeded....

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It Could Work...

... listen, people... I'm all about new ideas... new inventions... different takes on old sideshows... but, I've just got to say.... this is the best damned idea I've heard in a while.... Whale and Tail, indeed... bring it on, Bitterman.. where can I send my check?... I've always wanted to go Whale watching...

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A Lawsuit...

... we all have heard of these wacky lawsuits... "I'm FAT!" = Sue Mickey D's... etc, etc.... well, I've always been the voice of "quit your bitching, and deal with it"... but, this story?... should he sue the bastards?... I don't know... this is a hard one... sorry, folks... I think I just might have to side with the shitfaced guy here... still, it does give us an interesting Quote of the Day though...

"I said, 'Look, like this isn't funny. I have someone else's feces on my face.' "

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(11) | Psycho Rants
» Say Anything links with: Stay At Circus-Circus
» Evilwhiteguy's Blog links with: What A Crappy Vacation
» Welcome to Castle Argghhh! The Home Of One Of Jonah's Military Guys. links with: Ahhhhh. Nothing like a good skewering.

My Sentry...

... it has come to my attention lately that some people don't enjoy the company of nature's bounty... and, I also have noted of late that I have been graciously linked by some really hot babes... so, being that I have been incredibly remiss in linking duties to LeeAnn, here's a post for her.. also, I figure that the time is right for me scare away a few of you girlie-girl types who read this blog... aww, c'mon... you know I love you... really...

... see, I have a wee Sentry who guards my front door.. I noticed her a few weeks ago, and boy, she's gotten HUGE in the past weeks.... every morning, I see the husks of her victims lying tangled in her web... mosquitoes... a horsefly... even a pesky wasp.... still, she's a bit big to be eating mosquitoes, but she still eats them when they get caught... and, in my book, anything that is the Enemy of Mosquitoes, is a Friend to Me.... so, I've let her be.. her little web is tucked into the corner of the front porch.. her hideyhole is a notch in the siding... and, when I peek over to see what she had for dinner, she just sits there, cool as a cucumber, in her little lair... heh... she's got some nerve... I think she thinks this is her house... and, in a way, she is right.. she's got as much right to be here as I do...

... yesterday, I showed my Sweet Sentry to Rick and Georgia.... hell, they are nature lovers... and, even THEY were impressed with her size... what does she look like, gentle ones?.... well, her body is about the size of a pistachio.... and, with her legs stretched out, I'd say she's about an inch and a half long... she's a Black & Yellow Garden Spider... and she's gorgeous.. Agriope Aurantia, children....

... I haven't gotten around to naming her yet... any ideas?.. and, no.. Charlotte ain't an option... she looks like a Betty to me... but, I'm open to suggestions... it is strange, in a way.... I guess that sharing a common enemy can make friends of the very strangest of bedfellows... here she is.. in all her glory..

spider.jpg

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Pamplona

... I've said it before, I know... but, somethings are just worth repeating.. over and over.... so, listen up, people... if you are bound and determined to protest something... this is how you do it... protest all you want, but entertain me.. after all, that's what you're here for....

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Rick and Georgia...

... whoa... Brothers and Sisters.... whoa.. a fabulous night was had.. Rick and I grilled a few ribeyes... the Wife and Georgia prepared the salad and potatoes... the beer started flowing... and, well.. the rest is History...

... two finer people have never graced the Straight White House... it was a pleasure to be a host to you guys..... Safe Trip, Rick and Georgia... enjoy yourselves... you have all of our Best Wishes..

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Ribs...

... the family gathering was a success... the cook did an outstanding job... three huge trays of ribs were produced.. each slightly different in the method prepared... dry-rubbed... bbq'd... and HOT dry-rubbed... you could hardly turn around without bumping into some variety of cook-out goodness..

... two Khe Sahn vets were there... as was Great Uncle J.R., a survivor of Iwo Jima... so, a few trips to the basement were in order... up on the deck, alcohol was strictly prohibited... but, when three generations of Marines gather, a seal has to be broken somewhere... thus, we'd wander down to "check the grill" every so often... Boilermakers, people... shots of Scotch.. chased by Natural Light...

... Uncle J.R. was showing off his new "challenge coin"... Mike Battery, 14th Artillery.... it was the first time that I had seen such a coin for a USMC unit... I thought only the Rangers did that.. anyway, once he dug it out of his pocket, Uncle Tommy popped HIS coin on the table... I expected it to be a Shore Party coin... nope.. it was a damn MSG coin from the US Embassy in Quito, Ecuador.. damn, Brother... in any case, at least he HAD a coin, even if it wasn't from his unit... me?... well, evidently I was measured, and found lacking... I owe them pushups or beers... it'll be beers, people...

... so, now that I've been fairly warned... anyone know where I can get a Marine Support Battalion coin?... they changed the name of my old unit to Marine Cryptographic Support Battalion now.. it's a bit depressing, really... all of the units that I was in have been disbanded now... hell, out of 198,000 Marines when I joined... there were only about 300 of us "communicators".... I doubt we have a "challenge coin"...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(10) | SWG Stories
» Gut Rumbles links with: rumor, or fact?

Celebrate...

... enjoy this Independence Day, everyone... I'm off to eat ribs with the relatives on a hilltop near Riceville... Independence... what a word... enjoy your party and fireworks, people... but, remember what this day represents... remember those men and women who established this nation.. they were a special breed of heroes.... with that said, here is a slightly unusual perspective for you...

Chris Stevens from Northern Exposure
Episode 5.14, "Bolt from the Blue"

British Colonel Washington and his men surrounded a smaller party of Frenchmen caught napping by their fires. "I heard the bullets whistle," Washington later wrote, "and believe me there is something charming in the sound."

You're with 1754, folks, and what young Colonel George Washington had just done was open fire on a peaceful diplomatic mission, killing ten Frenchmen and an ambassador, leading France and England to the brink of global war. The French later caught up with Washington's men at Fort Necessity, beat the pants off of them, causing Washington to surrender. That's wild, huh?

I mean, we think of George Washington, and we see this old geezer staring at us from the front of a dollar bill. Calm, wise, father of your country. But young George, he was out there, man. Original loose cannon, twenty-two years old and brought the wrath of two countries down on him.

Whoa, George.

...thanks, Mr. Washington... for being such a pistol..

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A Challenge - Update..

... well, the little task I dished out has been done... The Bitterman from The Smoking Toaster nailed it... and, being the gentleman that he is, has declined the prize.. evidently my mention of the painting being located in Scotland was googleable enough for him to win the day... fessing up is hard to do, Bitterman, but you did it... I salute your honesty... you rock... the rest of you, well.. you suck.. anyway, here is a better photo of the original...

man_in_armour.jpg

...click here for a bigger version... art, culture, and dirty jokes... yep, we've got a little bit of everything here...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(3) | Psycho Rants
» Just A Girl links with: RE: Blogs - 12

Cops on I-40...

... Bloody Hell, children... I just spent 8 hours in the back seat of a Lincoln LS that never ceased hovering around 87 miles per hour... what's wrong with this picture?.. well, the noble Mother was driving... the darling Wife was sitting in the Chief Navigator's position... leaving yours truly to maintain the Useless Cargo position during the entire trip... what is worse is that all the while, both of them were chatting incessantly, and pointing at every out-of-state license plate, sipping their crappuccino... and, doing all manner of things EXCEPT watching traffic... my nerves are shot... 100%.... as Robin Williams once quipped... "more dire need of a blowjob than any White Man in history"... well, I fit the bill tonight... I suppose a quadruple Macallan will have to suffice, though... Nashville and back with two wimmen in the car is a trip not for the faint of heart... I fear I am slipping too quickly into self-preservation mode.. they scared the bejesus out of me...

... what I fail to fathom, though, is this... normally, during out daytripping escapades to Nashville, we see nary a dutiful Copper on the prowl.... still, my nagging normally keeps the LS within the limits of the law... today?... dayum... we must have seen at LEAST 20 Cops on I-40.... we were passing people like it was going out style... complete with the all-too-familiar intimidation tailgate tactic... and, the Cops never budged... they just sat there as we blew by them doing 90... sunglasses glinting in the sun... with a glazed look on their face to mirror the look of the donut clutched in their grubby little paws.... dammit, people... it was those Cops duty to SAVE ME today... every time we passed one, I prayed to Sweet Jesus that he'd drop the Krispy Kreme, and roostertail sod as he pulled up to the chase.... but, it didn't happen... they let me down... and, tonight's binge drinking is entirely the fault of the Tennessee State Troopers....

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A Day Trip...

... I'm off to Nashville for the day... play nice, children...

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A Challenge...

... ok.. further to the post below... I have a little game for you retards.... there is a 8X10 print of a famous painting shown in the photo.... it's on the second shelf from the bottom... on the left side of the bookcase... yeah, right beside the cheesy See Rock City birdhouse.... you will definitely need to look at the LARGE version of the photo to see it properly... this is one of my favorite paintings of all time.... the original is somewhere in Europe.... but, that is beside the point...

... here is the challenge for you rubberneckers... can anyone tell me:

... the name of the painting depicted in the print? ...
... the artist who painted it? ....
... and, better yet.. where the original painting is currently located?

... and, no crying about the quality of the photo... who do you think you are, anyway?... the original is just as hard to discern..

... the winner of this contest will get a photo of Clint Eastwood as The Outlaw Josey Wales... autographed, of course.... the autographed Eastwood photo is currently residing in the Straight White Blogroom... right next to Augustus McRae's.... but, if someone can guess all three of the answers list above... in the next 7 days... I will mail them their prize... so, have at it, children... remember.. there are no points for second place....

HINT: The painting was finished prior to 1675...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(11) | Psycho Rants
» Just A Girl links with: RE: Blogs - 12

My View...

... just in case you were wondering what the afternoon looks like through my eyes... I give you my photographic masterpiece... "The Corner of the Front Room"..

corner_small.jpg

... want a supersize it?... here ya go... I hadn't realized there were so many strange things on my living room bookshelf...

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by Eric | Permalink | Bullshit(4) | Psycho Rants
» Just A Girl links with: RE: Blogs - 12

Strange Stuff...

.... people, I have to tell you... I have always loved this song... Dean is da man.... but, it appears that this crazy chick took him a bit seriously... you really can't make this stuff up...

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The Aftermath...

.... well, when you have to make a few phonecalls the NEXT morning to see if you actually survived the night without killing someone... you know you've had a good party.... anyway, I did the telephone and e-mail rollcall this morning, and it seems that all concerned were alive and well.. heh... another successful mission.... Wednesday's rock, people.... it was quite a night... everyone was in attendance.... Cousin B... Cousin B-lite, The Guy in the Witness Protection Plan, Biker Steve... the whole bunch....

... actually, we were entertained by a great tale from The Guy in the Witness Protection Program... at one point, someone called Dave the Blade from Jersey was mentioned... something about disposing of disrespectfuls... a garbage barge... and, the dark of night.... New Jersey is not on my vacation list this year, Jimbo...

... as for blogging?... well, it might be over for the day.... I have just feasted upon Halibut.. fresh steamed green beans.... tiny steamed potatoes.... and 1/2 gallon of melted butter..... so, I'm nursing a full belly, a slight hangover, and a large Scotch.... time to watch some movies, and enjoy the evening.... hell, Thursday is almost as pleasant as Wednesday....

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