Robert Service again...

... well, it has been a while since I put up any poetry... yeah, yeah.. I know you don't like it... but, that is exactly why I put it up here.. just because you don't like it... doesn't mean you don't need it.... yesterday, I spent quite a while sitting on the deck alone with my thoughts... Memorial Day always puts me in a mood... and, usually I want to be alone.. so, I spent the better half of yesterday evening sipping a Scotch.. sitting in the sunshine... and, just thinking... I kept recalling lines from Robert Service... unrelated lines... from different poems... I found myself saying them out loud as they came into my mind... I suppose that if I were a more educated man, Wilfred Owen... or Sassoon would have been more appropriate... but, "Lyrics of a Low Brow" was present instead... Low Brow, indeed...

...so, I leave you today with the foreward of "Rhymes of a Red Cross Man"... penned in 1916... by ambulance driver R.W. Service... once again, people... read it out loud..

I've tinkered at my bits of rhymes
In weary, woeful, waiting times;
In doleful hours of battle-din,
Ere yet they brought the wounded in;
Through vigils of the fateful night,
In lousy barns by candle-light;
In dug-outs, sagging and aflood,
On stretchers stiff and bleared with blood;
By ragged grove, by ruined road,
By hearths accurst where Love abode;
By broken altars, blackened shrines
I've tinkered at my bits of rhymes.

Yet may it not be, crime and war
But effort misdirected are?
And if there's good in war and crime,
There may be in my bits of rhyme,
My songs from out the slaughter mill:
So take or leave them as you will.

In Phoenix..

....I wish I could have helped... you and your Husband are an inspiration.... Thank you...

Cpl. Dunham, USMC

... this article is a must read... especially today... Cpl. Dunham is being considered for the Medal of Honor for his actions...

"So Cpl. Dunham was put on another Blackhawk to take him to the Seventh Marines' base at Al Asad, a transfer point for casualties heading on to the military surgical hospital in Baghdad. During the flight, the corporal lay on the top stretcher. Beneath him was the Iraqi, with two tubes protruding from his chest to keep his lungs from collapsing. Lt. Hering stood next to the stretchers, squeezing a plastic bag every four to five seconds to press air into Cpl. Dunham's lungs.

The Army air crew made the trip in 25 minutes, their fastest run ever, according to the pilot, and skimmed no higher than 50 feet off the ground to avoid changes in air pressure that might put additional strain on Cpl. Dunham's brain."

...hat tip to Equivocal Catharsis for pointing the way to this story..

Memorial Day...

... well, I met... talked to... drank with... and, sent off... a few Soldiers last night... most of them gunners on M1 Abrams... they were great people... I wish them all the luck in the world... however, in talking with them about their deployment, one statement caught my attention... evidently, they are going to the west coast to brush up on their Infantry skills first... foot patrolling... urban assault.. house clearing... rifle range... setting road blocks.. in other words.. Tennessee's Tankers are heading to the sandbox.. and, many will fight as Infantry.. still, even with this news, they were enthusiastic and resolute... they will make Tennessee proud....

... this morning, I attended the Memorial Day service of a Church that my Great Grandpa built.... I carried the flag like I had been requested... listened intently to the sermon... it was eloquent, and moving... the main thrust of the Preacher's speech was based on the last scene in "Saving Private Ryan"... he even played the dialog from the movie over the loud speaker... in a nutshell, people... from the mouth of a dying commander on the bridge... speaking to Private Ryan.... "Earn this... make the rest of your life WORTH us dying for it"...

... with that said... enjoy your Memorial Day, everyone... and, to all of the US Armed Forces past and present... Thank you... I hope that I am a good enough American ... and, have led a good enough life... enjoying the Freedoms that you have given me... to somehow validate the sacrifices so many of you have suffered on my behalf... Thank you...

Lucky...

... this is absolutely incredible.... Acidman hit the nail on the head, people... I have been lucky enough to see this look... I will never... ever.. forget witnessing that moment... and, if you have ever been privileged enough to see it, neither will you.. moments like that... well, they are what make life worth living... and, if handled correctly.. they can change your world...

Two Strange Things...

... today, my Aunt asked me if I could still fit into my old Dress Blues... when I asked her why, she said that her Church was needing a Marine to assist in their Memorial Day Service... to help carry the USMC Flag... I was pretty shocked when she asked me this... and, I must admit.. I was honored that she had contemplated giving me that honor... but, hell, it's been 10 years since I got out... and, the answer is no, for all of you who were wondering... no, I cannot still fit into them... so, she asked if I would still carry the Corps Colors... just in civilian clothes... I immediately agreed... so, for the first time in a coon's age, children, I shall be attending Church on Sunday.... Heaven help us all.. if you read on CNN that a rural Monroe County Church has just collapsed, you'll know it was due to me walking through the doors... anyway... this was strange thing #1 that happened today...

... what was #2?... well, Big Daddy C invited me over to his house on Saturday night... his Wife's Brother is deploying with our local Armored Cavalry Regiment of the Tennessee National Guard in a week.. to Iraq... so, Big Daddy is throwing a kegger at his house on Saturday to help "send them off".. so, once again.... I was honored by the invitation... I can think of no better way to spend a balmy Saturday afternoon... than sitting around drinking beer, eating BBQ, and showing my respect to our Men in uniform.... but, sitting here right now... something is amiss... dreadfully wrong, friends...

... damn... I don't know how to say this.... but, part of me wants to pat them on the back on Saturday... be proud of them... and, the other part wants to go with them... and, as a result, I'm sitting here now... the idea of my Aunt asking me to don the uniform once again... let the Church members watch me carry the colors up the isle... well, it doesn't seem fitting now.. Saturday, I will be drinking with people who I admire, and respect.... Sunday, I will be standing there while old men and women pat me on my back, and thank me for my service...

Parking, Baby...

... no comment....

"THE Italian village famed as the birthplace of Leonardo da Vinci has just notched up another invention: the world's first official love carpark.

Vinci council has set aside 172 parking spaces for lovers to use at night without having to fear arrest for indecent behaviour - or attacks by serial killers."

Out of the Closet...

...well, well, well... where to start?... I had the pleasure of meeting Johnny Oh.. of the infamous Closet Extremist last night.... he joined us here for our Wednesday Poolfest.... and, he also pitched right in for some guitar playing... drinking... and, a few games of pool.. he even had a chance to play, and beat, I might add.. "The Guy in the Witness Protection Program".... initially, Johnny Oh was the first to arrive... so, we talked about blogs... how Harvey should have flown down from the frozen North to shoot a few games... hell, we talked about all kinds of stuff... oh, that reminds me.... he did say one thing as soon as he pulled into the driveway that I thought was pretty cool... heh... he gets out of his van... yes, friends and neighbors... he drives a van... looks up at my house... and... he says, "Wow! So, this is the Straight White House!"... sorry, I just thought that was cool...

... anyway, back to the rundown... we ended up shooting a few games of pool before the other party arrived... I think we were tied at 4 games each.... so, when TGITWPP started playing, the games alternated... the winner holding the table, and the loser sitting one out.... at one point, I was beating ole Johnny Oh 7 to 4... but, alas... the booze.. Jim Croce tunes... and, cigarette smoke all began to take their toll... I think we ended the pool shooting portion of the night in a tie... or, maybe he was one up on me... things were kinda hazy... but, in retrospect, I think he was sandbaggin' me the whole time anyway.. sharking me, people... he certainly ended the last two pool-stompings he administered in a lot better shape than TGITWPP and I... still, it was a lot of fun..

... when we finished on the table, TGITWPP left... so, we sat around and talked more about various blogs... at one point, we had an interesting conversation about Faith and Liberalism.... but, I was a teensy bit too drunk to propose a decent commentary... (hey, it happens on Wednesday nights)... well, about that time, Mrs. SWG arrives home from work... she had to work till 9... so, she comes in and joins in with the lively conversation.... when conversation lulled as I mixed another drink, Johnny picked up my old Fender, and played us a few tunes... he's quite a talented guitar player... and, his taste in music is impeccable...

... so, after a few hours of guitar and conversation, he decided it was time to head back to Knoxville.. but, a good time was had by all... it really was great to meet another blogger from East Tennessee... and, an open invitation to attend any Wednesday Poolfest is open to him any time... hell, who in their right mind would turn down a visitor who shows up with a 1/2 gallon of cheap bourbon... and a 2-piece Custom made pool cue?... only thing is, the bastard took it home with him when he left... the bourbon.. AND the cue.... still, he's welcome any time... so, there you have it.... the SWG/Closet Extremist mini-blogmeet... I've been to three blogmeets now... and, I can tell you this... I have never met a single blogger who wasn't a helluva nice person.. bloggers are the best kind of people, if you ask me...

... and, that just about sums it up... but, I'll leave it to The Closet Extremist to tell you about the arsenal in the blogroom....

A Wedgie...

... all of us males have had'em... all of us males have given'em... but this?... me thinks it tis a wee bit of over-reaction.... dayum.... still... it won't happen to me.. ever....

"What started with a "wedgie" inside a Southwest Roanoke sports bar ended with a disembowelment and fatal neck wound in a dark field beyond"

Wednesday Poolfest..

... Wednesday again, children... time for drinkin'... tellin' lies... shooting pool.. and, listening to music... but, this week is slightly different.... we will be having a Visitor... a blogger... stepping out of the closet, so to speak... we'll just have to see if he is as good at shooting pool as he claims.... anyway, I shall clue y'all in to my findings either later tonight.. or, first thing in the morning...

More Naked Protesters...

...this time, in Asheville.... and, not just naked.. but, riding bicycles.... heh.... oh, and this brilliant quote comes from the article too...

"Say what you will about hippies, but they're never boring."

... I think the author has a point....

My 2nd Best Compliment...

...alright... here goes... once upon a time, a wedding party of family and friends traveled from places far and wide.... to the city of Dhaka... capital of Bangladesh.... see, my Brother-in-Law had married in Scotland... and, just to make things interesting... as he was continually doing... decided to have his Wedding Reception on the fringes of the sub-continent.. where his Wife's Father lived.... we all flew... two months after the fact... to party down Bengali-style... why two months later?.... well, he and his new Bride had decided to drive to Bangladesh... yeah... you heard me right... DRIVE.... their route?... well... from Scotland down into England.. ferry to France... through France, and across the Alps... down Italy... ferry to Greece... to Turkey... breaching Iran... around Afghanistan, and into Pakistan....quietly crossing the border from Pakistan into India... then, all the way across the widest part of India's northern area... finally arriving.. 1 day before US.. in the land of the Bengalis.. all of this done in a diesel Ford Mondeo.. and, if you don't know what that is, it is like a Ford Taurus... only uglier.....

... well, being budding young lushes.. and after an incredible bribe-ridden escort through Customs.... the first thing we began attempting to do upon arrival in our Strange Land... was, of course, securing large quantities of booze.... Which, I can tell you first hand... is a real TASK in a 80% Muslim country... still, vice cares not for religion, if the truth be told... and, soon... we had found our watering holes... the Sheraton Hotel.. The Dhaka Club (you had to be a member, and the Bride's Father was)... and, the Expatriate's Club... as an aside, it seems that every country in the World has an Ex-pat's club... especially in Asia... but anyway, these were the places where even the thirstiest of backslidden Muslims could douse their fires.... and, where young, uppity white-folk could continue their alcoholic mantras... so, we dove right in with youthful Christian vigor.

... the particular evening in question, our choice of venues was the Sheraton Hotel's lounge... it was gorgeous... stuffed Tigers... polished brass everywhere... and, probably the largest selection of Single Malts in Bangladesh.... it oozed Empire... from every crevice... and, it was here that something unforgettable happened.. something that was strange.. something that I will take with me to my grave.... Right there in the Sheraton... in a booth seat... I was given the second greatest compliment of my life....

Chocgasm...

... this is the most wonderful scientific breakthrough in the history of scientific breakthroughs... hell, I don't eat the stuff myself... but, I occasionally treat the Wife.. and, the wonderful Ladies at work... heh.. can you just imagine?... people, I'm telling you... this is a wonderful idea.. but, I think the sales should be strictly regulated... and, these should only be sold to males... then, the males can feed them to the fairer sex.. allowing your Lady to purchase them?... in that way, dear friend, is oblivion... if we allowed them to buy it.. what the hell would they need us for?.... we need some Gummint regulations on this stuff....

"The orgasm from chocolate should be as good as a real one. But the sex act burns off calories, so you will gain pleasure and pounds. Many women say they feel good after eating chocolate. How will they feel after a bar that tastes great and makes them feel good?" Sun GP Dr Carol Cooper was quoted as saying."

A Question...

... I have a story... but, I'm not sure if anyone wants to hear it... it is, of course, a true story... involving Me... a group of people bound for a wedding reception... a Bangladeshi prostitute dripping in gold jewelry... an incredibly talkative - and, generous Indian businessman... a pilfered 1/2 gallon of Johnny Walker.. the extremely helpful Chief of Security at the US Embassy, ....and, the wonderfully opulent lounge in Dhaka's Sheraton Hotel... if you want to hear it, just let me know... otherwise, it shall stay in the box labeled "Too Much Information".... so, it's your call, my babies.... but... a word of caution... be careful what you wish for.. you might just get it....

81 Crazy People....

... hey, they set a record.... the things people will do to get famous...

"The naked joy riders spent a hair-raising one minute and fifty seconds swooping around the rails of the gravity defying rollercoaster ride at a theme park south of London."

... real life is WAY stranger than Fiction....

Whipped...

... my lawn is the bane of my existence... I hate her... and, I hate the things she makes me do.... since the very beginning, our relationship has borne nothing except animosity... lately, I have been paying professionals to mow her.. trim her up... keep her green... and, basically make her leave me the hell alone...

... as a rule, I stay out of her way... and, she stays out of mine... a problem does exist, though... and, it was handled today... The Back Lawn... see, the professionals I hire will not touch it with a 10ft. pole..... they are too afraid of the tiniest sight of Poison Ivy, so they refuse.... which means it is left to me...well, I'm here to tell you that the task has been completed, children... The Back Lawn has been beaten into submission... she didn't like it, but... I didn't give her much choice.... one large Pine Snake... two tortoises... 1/2 acre of Poison Ivy... and, 3 colonies of Fire Ants... they were in the Army of Darkness for this Backyard Armageddon... but, I was victorious in the end...

... the weapon of choice?... a 4 cycle gasoline strimmer... the venue?... the 1/2 acre of back lawn which borders the hardwood forest behind the Straight White House... it was quite a fight... from 0930 to 1345... the battle raged... a few times, I thought the Enemy almost had me... while blazing a trail with the weed-eater, an errant piece of freshly eviscerated plant would hit my cheek... I'd rush to the spigot, and furiously wash away the offending goo... fearful that I had been wounded by the Ivy... then, grit my teeth, quote some Henry V, and head back into the fray....... but, as I sit here nursing my first Scotch of the evening... I am relishing in my triumph... so far, no effects of the Poison Ivy have been noted... which means that my armor was effective.... what armor, you ask?....

... first of all, let me set the scene... my front lawn is pleasantly manicured... my back lawn is all trees, shrubs, flowers... and, generally wild-looking... we have deer, fox, and all other manner of wildlife wandering through... hell, it is nice to sit on the deck, and feel like you are in the woods... so, we leave it alone.... this, however, has a drawback... once... or, maybe twice a year, it has to be dealt with... and, today was that day....

... Summer is upon us here... today, it was in the 90s... Redheads and 90 degree weather do not mix well... at all... so, my "armor" consisted of a set of OD Green BDUs... combat boots... bloused, of course... just to keep all the critters from climbing up my leg... a Boonie Hat... leather gloves... and, safety glasses..... in other words, friends, I was covered from head to toe... sans the safety glasses, I was dressed like a Sandinista Rebel, basically.... why?... well, for two reasons... to keep from being fried like an egg by the Sun... AND... to keep the Poison Ivy I was mutilating from claiming me as a victim.... needless to say, I lost about 5 pounds today... all of it sweat... the BDUs were soaked... but, it worked... I almost died from the heat, but at least I don't have Poison Ivy... they guys who mow my lawn are wimps... now, I'm going to go sit on my deck... drink Scotch.. and, tell my new war stories to the Wife... if she'll listen.... otherwise, I'll just sit and drink Scotch... later...

Procrastination...

... the outlook is bleak, friends... the yard work I have been putting off for the past two weeks is overdue... damn.. so today, I am fated to become the worst fear of mankind... a slave... sweat, sunburn, dirt, poison ivy... a slave I shall be today... all that is missing, it seems, is the lash.. and.. depending upon the fruits of my labors this day, even that might be forthcoming in the evening... still, I must brace myself for the onslaught.. woe betide the shirker, friends... woe, indeed...

Another Hero...

.. Visit Here... NOW.... you hang in there, girl... you are doing a wonderful job for ALL of us....

.. anyway, that is all for now... time for me to retire for the evening.... the Wife, the Scotch.... and, the Deck are calling me... time to deep-burn this sunburn.... being a redhead in the South sucks, people....

... oh, and a big hat-tip to That Henson Kid for the head's-up...

Where are You?

...alright.. if it is good enough for BST, it's good enough for me.... and, hell... I'm curious too.... so, where in the hell are you people from?... Me?... well, I'm sitting here sunburnt just outside Etowah, Tennessee.. so, if I can fess up... so can you people.... so, where are you?... and, please... no metaphsical bullshit about "where are any of us"... just answer the question.... or, maybe not.. either way, it's cool..

... by the way.. for those who are interested, I was called again this morning by "The Underestimating Good Ole Boy"... yep, he postponed the shootin' match yet again... but, rest assured, I will let you know when the deal goes down....

7 Deadly Sins...

... yes... deadly sins... here at the Straight White House, we are fairly well versed in new ways to enjoy them... which ones?... well, most notably, Lust, Gluttony, and Sloth... our three staples... three to bind us, so to speak... but, as I was just outside on the deck... drinking a cold one and watching the hummingbirds, I suddenly realized something... a new sin has crept in on little cat feet like Carl Sandburg's Fog... what is it, my gentle ones?.... Envy... envy, pure.. and, simple... and, green..

... what brought this change in my daily debauchery?.... this new cross for me to bear?... well, to put it bluntly... the Hillbilly is having way too much damn fun... you see, Heaven, people, is aged 18 years and bottled in Scotland... I've almost become afraid to visit his site anymore... it seems that every time I go, he has another Scotch story... so, I am left with it... and, I must admit.... Envy... she's a new one to me... but, one that appears to put Lust, Gluttony, and Sloth to shame... enjoy yourself, Buddy Don... you've got me jealous in a big way....

Mourn a Hero...

... I just found this via Blackfive... I don't know what to say.. other than to echo what his Captain said... Fair Winds, and Following Seas, Jeremiah... thank you for your service... thank you for your courage... thank you for your sacrifice... thank you, Brother.. my thoughts, and deepest sympathy to your family and friends...

... the traditional military toast was raised last night for you... Absentibus Amicis... and, even though I never met you, you had an upturned cup, and a chair at my evening meal yesterday...

Semper Fidelis

Ode to Stevie...

... Ladies... and, Gentlemen.... I have had the honor of having Stevie say nice things about me... see?... I told you I was nice, but did you listen?... of course not.... so, there... it doesn't matter what the rest of you retards think of me... at least SHE can see my hidden inner beauty... my sincere honesty.. my chainmail clad... oh, wait... damn, that didn't come out right...

...still, she's a longsuffering Sweetheart of a Dairyman.... and, a huge SRV fan to boot... so, you just gotta love'er.... and, on top of everything, she calls me her "Other Eric"... *blush*... well, since I am a SRV fan too, then maybe I should start calling her my "Other Stevie"... heh...

... so, as a present to her and me, here is one of my favorite SRV songs.... "Mary had a little Lamb"... actually, I chose to gift this one to her because it is the only SRV song that I can play on my guitar.... not the lead, of course... but, the intro and rythm... so, enjoy your Friday, people.... and, give Stevie a visit... she's worth it.. especially when she's pissed off....

One Lucky Kid...

...hey, Jimbo... I know how you feel about these varmints... so, check this out.... heh...

Life in the Country...

... today was an interesting day.. in a macabre sort of way... also, a sad day... Big Daddy C came into my office this morning with a traumatized look on his face... now... Big Daddy is 6"2... 245lbs... and, quite frankly, built for the kill.. definitely not a man to be triffled with... so, when I saw his face, I clicked into combat mode...

... "What the hell is wrong, C?.. who we gotta kill?"...

... "Sorry, man... it's my kid's dog... I walked outside this morning to come to work, and he was standing there on the porch bleeding all over the place..."

... "Damn, C... what happened?"..

... "I don't know, Eric... his lower jaw had been ripped away from his head, and it was hanging down between his legs... the meat was ripped right down his neck... I think he must have had a Coyote trap snap down on his head.. pulled himself free, and made it back to the house...."

... "Jesus... what did you do?"...

Music...

... well, I just found this over at Uptown Girl's place... and, since my taste in music is fairly far-reaching, I thought I'd give it a spin....

A. AC/DC... or, maybe America..
B. Black Crows... and, Bechet.. Sidney Bechet..
C. Croce... Jim Croce.... and, Eric Clapton.. obviously..
D. Deano... Mr. Martin....
E. ...shit... I probably should have thought this through..
F. Frank... Sinatra, man.. and... Fats Waller..
G. Guy.... Buddy Guy.. or, hell... Georgie Thorogood..
H. Halen... Van Halen... Hoagy Carmichael, too....
I. ...nothing leaps to mind....
J. Dr. John... or, the Cowboy Junkies...
K. King... B.B....
L. Lightfoot... Gordon Lightfoot.. and, of course... Lynyrd Skynyrd..
M. Morrison... Van the Man, baby.. or, Don McLean...
N. Nelson... Willie Nelson.. all day long...
O. Orbison... Roy Orbison...
P. Paul Lamb and the Kingsnakes...
Q. Queen... oh yeah...
R. Rolling Stones... enough said..
S. Staind.... just recently started listening....
T. Taylor... James "Stringbean"... "Spaceman".. Taylor
U. ..damn... I can't think of one.... and, I don't like U2..
V. Vaughan... Stevie Ray... incredible...
W. Williams... Hank Williams... Jr, and Sr....
X. ..same as U, here...
Y. Young... Neil Young... the only Hippie that I actually like..
Z. a Tie, people... ZZ Top... or, Warren Zevon...

...damn, that was harder than I thought... anyway, obviously the list is incomplete... but, hell... leave me alone... I had a hard day at work...

Incredible...

...hey.. anyone else seen this?... good grief.... I mean.. damn...

An Introduction..

... since today is Wednesday, I will be spending most of the evening in my garage drinking Scotch and shooting pool... as I do every Wednesday... and, without fail, I try to give you, gentle readers, a rundown of the night's devastation the next day... but today, it suddenly dawned on me that I should probably introduce you to some of the curmudgeonly reprobates who frequent these gatherings.. so, here they are.. in all their glory..

... first and foremost, we have Billy.. "Billy Bastard"... when he comes over to shoot, half of the people leave... he is that good... we, as a group, have imposed a 5 shot rule on him... this means that once he arrives, he must slam 5 shots of Tequila, and wait 15 minutes before participating in the festivities... yes, he's that damn good... back in the 70's, he played pool professionally..

... rolling quickly along, we have my Archnemesis... "Steve the Biker"... covered in Tattoos... a true Zen Warrior.. and, King of the Draw... he's hard to beat.. but, I still manage to win roughly 25% of the games...

... next on my list of people who kick my ass every Wednesday is... "The Guy in the Witness Protection Program"... and his Son... he's been everywhere... done everything... and, can usually prove it.... with him, I win about 50% of the games...

... then, of course, there is Cousin B.. aka "Asshelmet"... a hard working Good Ole Boy... a dear friend... and, probably the only one who shows up that can out-drink me... although, when it comes to pool, I win about 85% of the games...

... another regular is Cousin B's friend.. "The Underestimating Good Ole Boy"... he's kinda like a "Cousin B-lite".. they work in the same profession, and both of them work hard for a living... but, on the pool table, he's easy meat...

... occasionally, Cousin C... aka "Big Daddy C".. attends... but, he's got 4 kids, so they keep him pretty busy... still, he's a fair hand on the pool table...

... so, there you have it, people... the roster of the miscreants who visit my humble home on Wednesday evenings... of course, there are various and sundry other outcasts who slither in from time to time... but, the ones listed above are the core followers... a finer cadre of individuals would be hard to find... anyway, enough of this... I gotta go... "The Guy in the Witness Protection Plan" just arrived... you'll get the results in the morning... as usual...

Update on the Boobies..

... a video of the little darling has been found, just for all of you wandering rubberneckers... anyway.... poor girl.... hey, I'm not obsessed... really...

I'm in a Funk...

... don't know if I'll survive.... somebody... help me.... at this rate, I'll never post again....

Changing Times...

... where were the boobies when I was 13?... not present, friends.. no 13 year old girl in my school had boobies... at least, not as I recall... so, this would never have happened back in my day... not because of more liberal views, mind you... but, because of a distinct lack of 13 year olds with cleavage...

A Damn Lie...

...I swear, boys and girls... really... I have sex more than this... he's telling un-truths!... I promise...

Words...

... I'll bet you guys were as intrigued as I was with this headline...

"Frogman Living in Bog Arrested for Arson"

... I have never witnessed those words in that order before... ever... lunatics end up giving us the most interesting headlines....

Ed Haynes....

... an accidental visitor arrived here a few days ago... they had been googlin' for "Ed Haynes"... managed to find my site... and, informed me that they had the whole damn "Ed Haynes sings Ed Haynes" album in mp3 format... hot damn... and, they were kind enough to throw two songs my way.... "One Brief Liaison".... which, is an incredible journey into the mind of man... with lyrics like.. "I'm bein' with her, but I'm thinkin' about you.."... and, my personal favorite... "Splash"... both of these songs have Ed's typical humor... but, "Splash" takes it to the next level.... well, at least I think it does... so, enjoy, children.... Ed Haynes is truly a misunderstood genius....

The Truth...

... yesterday, my Cousin D and I opened the pool for the upcoming swimming season... getting the cover off... washing everything down... it is at least a two man job... anyway, we got'er done... the water turned out to be almost 90 degrees and crystal clear.. two words for you... chemicals rock... after sitting covered by a thick tarp for 8 months, the water was perfect.... of course, it needs about 18 more inches of water put into it.. but, other than that, it was ready to go....

... afterwards, as we were sitting in the swing discussing our accomplishment... his two boys, aged 4 and 6, could take the temptation no longer... before the eyes of my Wife and I.. my Mother... Cousin D and Wife... those two boys stripped buck nekkid and began playing in the warm water at the shallow end of the pool... it was at this point that my dear Cousin D said something profound...

... "you can sure tell that they are related to me and Eric... they'd rather be nekkid than just about anything on Earth"...

... truth, from the actions of babes... sometimes, I wish I was 6 again... at 6, splashing nekkid in a freshly opened swimming pool is what you are expected to do... at 31, getting caught sitting on your deck in the afternoon... while reading Harpers and drinking a Gin and Tonic... is considered pervy... but, here is the rub.. as was remarked yesterday... it's not a pervy thing.. it's friggin genetics....

Tae a Haggis...

... I have a favor to ask all of you... I need a Haggis... visitors are coming to Straight White House during June... coming all the way from Alaska... the last time they came to visit, I was living in Ecosse... and, of course, we served them the Great Chieftain.. well, that was probably a mistake.. why?.. well, a formal request for numerous Haggi to be served with lashings of Single Malt has been received.... shit... I'm sunk... I just called my old butcher in Brechin... he said that there was no way in hades that customs would let his haggis through into our hallowed, non-offal-eating country... shit... so, my dear Peeps... what is a poor man to do?.. I need a Haggis, dammit... perferably a big sumbitch... or... maybe a flock of smaller ones would suffice.... still, it is all academic... so, I'm fucked if you can't help...

... in short... I am laying it all on the line on this blog... laying my NEEDS bare to view.... so, a plea for help, Friends.... if you know of ANY place in the continental US where I can find an authentic Haggis... cough up an address, URL, or phone number, and you will be forever cherished in the Straight White Household as "Da Man".... or, indeed, "Da Woman", if that is the case....

Home on the Range..

...Saturday morning... my favorite time of the week... but, today is slightly different.... a week and a half ago, I was challenged, friends.... called out, so to speak.. during the Wednesday poolfest, my honor as a marksman was tarnished after I missed a particularly drunken long-range shot.. almost immediately, questions were raised of my abilities with my AR-15... in a split second, money exchanged hands... 100 dollars... 10 shots each at 100yds... heh...

... I was challenged by a Good Ole Boy who has never even fired an AR-15 before... I've been shooting with him before, and he is indeed a good shot.. but still.. it is MY weapon... so... needless to say, I feel fairly confident...

... back when I was first trained to use the M16A2, we qualified by shooting at 100, 300, and 500yds... perhaps it was my Hillbilly upbringing.... or, maybe the fact that my Dad taught me to shoot the Marine Corps Way at an early age... or, maybe it was because we had some kickass PMIs.... but whatever the reason, I ended up being awarded the Marine Corps Association's Marksmanship Award for having the highest shooting score of my graduating class...

... all this being said, I am heading to the Gentleman's house in a while... weapon in hand... to meet my High Noon appointment with Ben Franklin and the miscalculating Good Ole Boy... more to come later... I will tell you, good or bad, what the results were later in the day... heh.. but, as I mentioned... I feel a wee bit confident in the outcome...

UPDATE: ...as I was loading the gear into the Audi this morning, the phone rang... my antagonist said he had been called into work, and we'd have to put off our shooting trip until next weekend... so, I drove over to my Mother's house to help her open the pool.. after we were finished, I went around behind her barn.. marched off 100yds, and placed a Maxwell House coffee can on a fence post... here were my results... oh, by the way, the coffee can is roughly the size of an adult human's head...

..from the seated, cross legged position... 10rds were fired slowfire... all rounds were fired in under 3 minutes... and, most importantly, all 10 rounds impacted the coffee can from 100yds.. my grouping was roughly 6 inches X 4 inches.. left to right... not too bad for combat peepsights set to BZO.... so, next weekend, I shall be purchasing that 25yr old Macallan that I have been lusting after for the past month... I smell easy money, Children...

Been there, Baby...

....I'm sure that we all have lived this song.... I was just over at Helen's place.... and, as a gift to you.... this is for the Everyday Stranger... anyone who has lived, fucked up, broken - or been broken... this song speaks volumes.. anyway... fuckit, Helen... set your eyes on the horizon, and steam on....

Great Uncle M.C....

... well kiddies, I just finished shooting pool with my 83 year old Great Uncle... hot damn... he even beat me a few times.... back in the days just prior to WWII, he and my Grandpa made a living out of sharking the pooltables at the local beer joints.... after the war, my Grandpa settled back into Monroe County... and, Uncle M.C. moved up to West Virginia to work in a steel mill..... heh... at 83 years old, he's still a crackerjack on the pooltable....

... the really disturbing part was this.. all the while he was kicking my ass, he was talking trash... "oops.. yeah, that was luck..... oh, no... dang... sorry about that, Eric... that was an accident.... hey, you know, you are pretty damn good..I really like your pooltable....."... meanwhile, I am standing in the corner nursing my first Scotch of the night.... heh... during a few games, I never even had a chance to shoot.... but, I was just glad to spend some time with him.... it isn't often that he is down in Tennessee....

...he and my Grandpa were childhood friends.... they ended up gettng married to two sisters.. Helen and Geneva.... Geneva was my Grandmother.... then, the war came along, and they both joined the Army.... M.C. was sent to the Pacific to serve as a tank gunner with Macarthur... and, Grandpa was a mortarman under Hodge's First Army in Europe... when it was all said and done, M.C was wounded, and Grandpa was a POW at Stalag 12 till the end of the war.... two old coots... two incredible guys... both of them hard to beat... either in combat, or on a pooltable...

..you know... I really miss my Grandpa, but damn... it sure is good to still have Uncle M.C. around to tell those stories and kick my ass at pool....

Okay...

...forget my last post... we have an update... THIS article provides us with the proper Quote of the Day... and it is....

"There's no reason not to replace that as soon as you can,'' Young said. ``I don't like to have people who are walking not have their skull.''

...I have to say, people... I gotta agree with the Doc on this one...

True Love...

..an aging Alaskan had almost given up hope of finding a partner... but, it appears... love has finally found the old man.... so... how do you tell true love, people?... well, here is today's quote of the day.... enjoy...

Aquarists at the Alaska SeaLife Center in Seward introduced the two Tuesday, and evidently they hit it off: Spermatophores were seen hanging from J-1's siphon.

Joke of the Day...

Sam and Bessie were an elderly couple. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home.

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Ya shoulda bought a hat."

Proud to be...

....the Bastards over here seem to have me pegged... guilty as charged, I suppose...

..damn, that reminds me.. I need to buy more ammo for my "Deal With It" tools...

People are Stupid...

..no, really... people are stupid... so, here is the quote of the day....

"I have done this more than 100 times and never had trouble," said McGill, whose accident was broadcast over the air via a live remote."

Weekly Poolfest..

... ahhh... Wednesday again... time to get my ass kicked all over my garage by a bunch of fine shootists... still, hope springs eternal... problem is, I have a feeling that this evening shall contain more talk of Islamonazis than any showing of pool playing prowess... which, of course, is fine with me.. Misery may love company, Brothers and Sisters... but, in the South, Anger LIVES for it....

...as usual, I will post the results... if they are fit to publish.. expect slurred blogging tonight... if any blogging at all...

Volunteer Asses Needed..

... I know a few people that should be FORCED to assist in the "testing"...

"A US engineering firm wants volunteers to test out a butt-kicking machine

"Groups can use this to put someone dressed up like, say, Osama bin Laden, and charge $1 to kick his butt," office manager Sandy Burmeister said."

Evil...

.. God Dammit...

Entirely...

...too much information... I swear... some of the things you read on the net...

"It would seem that people are forever concerned about two things: sex and death. And the two concerns together, when put together, result in sometimes outrageously insane museum displays. Reportedly newsworthy this week is that Rasputin's member (and yes, I mean dick) is now on display in a sadly misguided Museum of Erotica in Russia. The curator, Igor Knyazkin, is particularly proud of this display because it out-sizes that of Napoleon's, which was once a museum piece in France during the 60s until too many women started to point and giggle at its puny stature. "

...so... go on... read the rest... it's interesting.. in a deeply twisted sort of way...

Aroused...

...man, what a friggin way to go...

..Moving Out...

... I remember the day I moved out of my Parent's house... or, more precisely.. left my Parent's home.... I was collected by my Recruiter at about 8PM on a Sunday night... my Mother cried like I had never seen her cry before... I had joined the Corps when I turned 17 in the delayed enlistment plan.. but, I had to wait until I had graduated from High School before they'd accept me... so, I graduated from McMinn Central High on the Friday... and, arrived at Parris Island on the following early Monday morn...

...in between the Friday and Sunday night, I had a party to end all parties.... well, actually it was a drunken fiasco at the calf barn on my Uncle's farm... a bottle of Jack... good friends.... many pats on the back... a few vomiting episodes... and, as if by magic, Monday morning saw me arrive at the Beaufort Airport... awaiting the arrival of our first Drill Instructors.... ahhh.. such a childhood, I had...

...anyway, all of that is for another story...

...the thing I want to get to tonight is this... after I moved out, I was gone... I never came back... oh, sure.. I came back to visit... but, I did not move back in with my family... I was hatched, I suppose.... a duckling cast upon the wide world.... at least... this is what I thought.... but, circumstances are strange that way.. you see, I remember sitting overseas and chatting with my cousins over the phone.. and, a part of me would think... in the very darkest places of my mind... "good lord... those losers.. still living within 5 minutes walk of Momma... get a life...".... then, I'd hang up the phone... and go about my normal life.... never fully realizing what a fucking hypocrite I was...

...today, when talking with a friend about their leaving their family, I realized.. for the first time ever.. that I was wrong about judging someone's individuality... purpose... and self-reliance... with such a crude tool... being distant from your family is not a yardstick of independence.... being distant from your family, and still loving - and being loved by them - is.... my time away from my family was, at the time, something that I needed to do to prove myself.... now, I see it sometimes as a missed opportunity.... while I was off touring the world, they were continuing to be the incredible people they had always been... and, missing me...

...three years ago, my Father became ill... and, I dropped my life overseas to come and nurse him... my Mother and I... we did that for the last 13 months of his life... living at home... not working... paying for my room and board from savings... it was a hard time... but, it was the most important time of my short life, I think.... I would not have been anywhere else during those months for all the tea in China... and, with that... I want to say this....

...Happy belated Mother's Day, Mom.... and, to all my friends who are Mothers.. I love you all... being a Mother is not about just having offspring.. being a Mother is all about unconditional love... every one of you have that... and, I consider myself blessed to have had the pleasure of knowing you...

Joke of the Day

...e-mail is such a wonderous thing...

"On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me,"You should be hung."

I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass."

..wow...

... give this man a medal.... holy shit... the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak... wow...

Joke of the Day..

....fresh from the email... my constant source of inspiration....

"Regarding the year 2000, a senior at Tennessee was overheard saying...

When asked why, he stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.

Gardening...

... man, it is hot today.... Summertime, and the livin' aint easy... no matter WHAT Gershwin tells you... especially for a fair-skinned red head... and, unfortunately, this time of year means lawn work... I hate lawn work... but, I drove into Athens today to get some oil for the weedeater anyway... heh.. but, by the time I got back.. after having a leisurely lunch... it was the "hottest part of the day" - as I've heard great Southern Loafers say from time to time... so, that's what I told myself...

...Self: "Just hang on, Eric... it's way too hot to go out now.. have a Gibson.. have a Gin and Tonic... relax.. besides, it's SUNDAY... "

...now that the sun is going down, I see that my plan has worked well... my new excuse for not going out... heh.... I probably shouldn't be operating machinery right now... Bombay Sapphire to the rescue, baby... works every time..

The Two Stoners...

...well, I spoke with Acidman last night on the phone while he was recovering from the visit with Velociman... it sounds like a good time was enjoyed by them both...

....so, Gentlemen... here is a small treat to commemorate your watching the Savannah River flow by... and the Beer flow down... enjoy... you two old stoners...

...now.... let's get this damn blogmeet scheduled... anywhere... anytime... I'll be there..

More Music...

..well, there is a time and a place for everything... and, right now it is time for more music.... The Wheel, to be exact... another nice on by Mr. Canfield...

... I have been on a vintage music kick for the past few weeks for some reason... I just get that way from time to time... Friday afternoon, I had "You Are My Sunshine" running through my brain.. and, it wouldn't leave... the version off the "O'Brother" soundtrack... man, it is one beautiful song.. full of sadness and longing... not at all, as some think, a children's song... for instance... here is how it begins..

...the other night Dear, as I lay sleeping..
...I dreamt I held you in my arms..
...when I awoke, Dear, I was mistaken...
...and I hung my head, and I cried...

...you are my sunshine, my only sunshine..
...you make me happy when skies are gray...
...you'll never know, Dear, how much I love you...
...please, don't take my sunshine away...

...children, that song touches my heart... I understand it... and, I love the incredible simplicity of it... in the end, I think I just dig songs about longing... it seems to me that.. if you ever finally manage to get everything you ever wanted, then the game is over... there is no more point in keeping breathing... we all should keep longing for something... ANYthing... this drive, I think, is what keeps us paying attention.... nothing to strive for?.. nothing to hunger for?... nothing to pursue?...then, you have nothing to live for...

Clay Canfield...

...as I mentioned a while back, I had the pleasure of hearing Clay Canfield play a few days ago.... in Nashville.... for those of you who have never meandered down Broadway, the place is absolutely alive with live music and bars... it is paradise indeed, friends.... but, the strange thing about me choosing to head into "The Stage" was that the music was different... instead of the normal country being played... sounds of a guitar being played to the limit... that's what we heard... and, that's why.. when faced with a street FULL of bars and live music, we chose The Stage.. who was playing that guitar? and, blowing on that harmonica?... Clay Canfield.... here is a sample... him playing guitar, harmonica, and singing.... un-accompanied.... Guitar Man.... and, my personal favorite of his.... Buffalo Grass... a true Cowboy Song if one ever existed.... in fact, Chris Ledoux has just recorded Clay's song on his latest album.... but, I still prefer Clay's version.... so, check it, people...

...but, the reason I am writing this... is not just to let you know about Mr. Canfield... I also want to ask for your help.... he has just been narrowed down into the top 30 in the WSM Merle Haggard Music Search.... and, they are accepting votes from the public... pick your five favorite singers/songwriters, and the top 4 get to be heard by Merle Haggard and Willie Nelson... the winner actually will open for Merle and Willie in a summer concert in New Mexico... so, if you don't mind... mozy on over to WSM, and give a vote to Clay... I'd appreciate it.... oh, and picking him as "5" means you like him best.... now, go and vote, dammit...

Stuffed and Mounted...

... trawling through the flotsam and jetsam of the internet for you, I, as promised, deliver the goods.... check this.... if you didn't laugh out loud as you read it, then you are obviously in the wrong place... go away... this site is not for you... and, your lack of sick, twisted sense of humor is not appreciated here.... after all, this site is mainly for rubberneckers... no one wants to actually admit that they think most of humanity only exists to entertain them... so, since you won't admit it, I have to shoulder the burden for you... it's ok... I don't mind...

My Day...

...well, the blog is limping along... looking kinda forlorn... but, hey, I do too... so, back off... anyway, I saw a UFO this morning... no, really.... I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about it.. but, hey... I just did.. so, there you go... I saw a UFO... damn, I feel better now... and, before you ask, NO... I don't live in a trailer park... and, no probes were present either.... it just flew away...

.. but, that isn't really what I wanted to tell you... have you ever noticed that the variety of roadkill in any given area is directly proportional to how interesting that place is?... case in point... this morning, four whitetail deer ran into the road in front of me... they didn't run across the road... they ran DOWN it.... I must have followed them for at least 300yds before the darted off into the woods... THEN, the roadkill viewing starts... and, hey, they weren't there last night when I drove home... so, they musta been smashed during the wee hours of last night... first, a possum.. no biggie... then, a skunk.... still, mundane.... a couple miles later, I see a pit bull.... starting to get interesting.... no, Velociman, twas not I that dispatched it.. two miles later, the mangled remains of a large Coyote.... then, just as I neared work... the ultimate roadkill.... a Bobcat.... I even slowed my car to have a better look.... I've been wanting to harvest a Bobcat ever since I first started hunting... dammit, first time I see one while I'm armed, and it is roadkill... that is just wrong...

..while having my morning coffee... I was thinking of the drive to work... those deer were pretty lucky... still, I can't help but wonder if the UFO had something to do with all the roadside carnage I saw this morning....

2nd Joke of the Day...

.... an oldie.. .but a goodie.... and, something that I can, once again, identify with...

southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

Be Afraid...

...wake up feeling good this morning?... smile on your face?... spring in your step?... well, prepare to be deflated, buddy... check this....

Story of the Day..

... wow.. I remember hearing this on the news.. and thinking... "a ferry sank?.. I thought that shit only happened in Bangladesh..".... now, as usual, all is becoming clear... here is the real story.... and, just for you, a small tidbit....

AUSTIN, Texas -- Some 60 "Splash Day" revelers hoping to see nude sunbathers tipped over their double-decker barge when they crowded one side of the vessel.

Witnesses said that all of the people aboard the barge moved to one side after it was tied up at Hippie Hollow, the only public nude beach in Texas, creating uneven distribution and making it tilt.

heh.. Hippie Hollow... classic....

Broken...

...ok... I am now safely in the land of MuNuvia... but, dammit, my site looks like shit... and, my archives are lost to oblivion... shit... I guess I'll have to post actual CONTENT... which, of course, is a bitch... stand by, people....

Joke of the Day...

I can totally understand this joke... on many levels...

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me shit."

Finally..

...ok, children... Uncle Eric will be here in 24 hours... I have changed my DNS Server to point to my new home here.... archives be-damned... The Reverend Pixy has said that he can work his magic, and get the old luggage over here this week... so, I'm gonna keep my fingers crossed... in any case... I'm here... as soon as my DNS settings kick in, I shall emerge as a fully fledged MuNu.... heh... it took some time, but... I'm here....