... from the cushiony seat of my blogroom chair, the frightening world of squirrel-mating is once again laid before me.... and it isn't pretty, folks....

... two years ago I wrote about it..... and last year, too.... but not this year, gentle readers.... This year the frantic pelvic pounding of the treerats will go undocumented...

... it is played, this vein... and where once I looked on with horror, shock, and a strange sense of amusement, now I simply stare out the window towards the dogwoods and the humping varmints... completely apathetic... I no longer secretly feel the pain of the female squirrel as she is leapt upon and violently buggered... and I can no longer halfway identify with the male's incredibly primal urge to passionately pummel each female that he can corner....

... I have achieved the thousand yard stare' ... numbed as I am now to the yearly sexual antics performed not twenty feet from my keyboard.... a mind can only take so much rapine mayhem, people...

... and I am done... finished...

... I shall write no more of squirrel sex forever... as a matter of fact, I do believe that a cull is in order.. soon....

by Eric on September 26, 2006 | Bullshit (17) | TrackBack (0) | Thinking
Bullshit So Far

I've just discovered how squirrels keep up their strength for the strenuous mating period: I walked outside my house yesterday and a squirrel was sitting on a fencepost, eating a lizard headfirst, like a hotdog.

I didn't know they were omnivores.

Big Squid

Bullshitted by big squid on September 26, 2006 09:10 AM

... now that was a Kodak moment if there ever was one....

Bullshitted by Eric on September 26, 2006 09:29 AM

Thousand yard stare my read ass. Where's the blood lust? Where's the big plate of squirrel brains and eggs?

Shift gears, my brother.

Hang out the blogroom window with something quiet and stealthy that'll sling a pellet 1200 feet per second. Help keep the little disease carrying, garden eating, flowerbed digging, electrical transformer shorting bastards from migrating across the Mississippi.

Cuz you know they are.......and I just can't take that shit. I need to know there is an East Coast hit squad in place. I need to know I won't have to fight this battle forever alone.

Bullshitted by bitterman on September 26, 2006 10:16 AM

... plans are afoot, Brother Bitterman... trust me... on the 14th of next month it will be raining squirrel corpses here at the house...

... I got your back, man..

Bullshitted by Eric on September 26, 2006 11:02 AM

I remember squirrels, that was before my Westhighland terriers found out about the little snotty bastards. So far this year they have dropped 8 deceased squirrls at my feet.

Bullshitted by james old guy on September 26, 2006 11:50 AM

... James, your dog would go apeshit up here... the damn squirrels are everywhere...

.. and these two cats are useless at catching them... I suspect they are too well fed...

Bullshitted by Eric on September 26, 2006 11:53 AM

Uh oh... Sounds like Post Traumatic Squirrel Disorder. Somebody needs to find a cure quick!

Bullshitted by Richmond on September 26, 2006 11:53 AM

.. indeed.. it used to be so novel.. now I'm just going to blast them....

Bullshitted by Eric on September 26, 2006 12:24 PM

As bitterman said, you just need to hang out your blogroom window with your .22 while they are at their frolicking fornicating frenzy and nail yourself a twofer.

Bullshitted by Richard on September 26, 2006 12:55 PM

Maybe you could video them and start a web site; there has to be some "nut" job out there who wants to see squirrel porn...

Bullshitted by Lisa W. on September 26, 2006 03:10 PM

"...I shall write no more of squirrel sex forever..."

Yeah, you can take that one to the bank, Cochise. Until next year.

"First they came for the squirrels
and I did not speak out
because I was not a squirrel.
Then they came for the chipmunks
and I did not speak out
because I was not a chipmunk.
Then they came for the zombie spiders
and I did not speak out
because I was not a zombie spider.
Then they came for me
and there was no one left
to speak out for me."

Bullshitted by Elisson on September 26, 2006 03:28 PM

Holy shit, Elisson always gets a good laugh from me.

I'm gonna miss your squirrel sex posting. Really. You're kind of known for it! ;-)

Bullshitted by bou on September 26, 2006 03:47 PM

You need to discuss you squirrel thoughts with Ann Althouse. She has blogged about the little treerats a few times lately.

Bullshitted by dick on September 26, 2006 05:15 PM

Tree rat Zombie sex?

Bullshitted by Maeve on September 26, 2006 10:49 PM

so....if I wanna get educated about squirrel sex....I havta search archives?...are there pictures??

Bullshitted by Jean on September 27, 2006 05:11 AM

My squirrels are modest. The chase is open for all to see but the actual fucking goes on chastely behind the tree.

Bullshitted by Libby on September 28, 2006 12:43 PM

I rarely post a link back to myself........
This I must do, due to the culling comment.

(I wish we could post hypertext links here.)

Bullshitted by Sine.Qua.Non on September 30, 2006 09:28 PM