... you know, I am forever surprised by reading my "friends"..... behold the latest....

... look, my total, bowel-loosening fear of Zombies is well documented here on this humble blog... and up until this morning, well, I imagined the scariest Zombies of all were that really, really FAST ones from the latest remake of "Dawn of the Dead".... (... and whoever thought them up should be double-tapped gently with my 9mm and whisked off to the sweet land of oblivion... )...

.. see, somehow the idea of a slow-moving Zombie shuffling around - while terrifying - at least afforded me the chance to run away loping and screaming like a little sissy...

... but a Zombie who imitates Jesse Owen is just plain mortifying... reanimated dead human flesh isn't supposed to be able to tackle you like a crack-addled linebacker.. it is just wrong....

... thanks to the warped minds of Elisson and Velociman though, I now have another nightmare to contend with... Zombie ass-rapists... Jesus Christ, people.... why I hang with you degenerates, I'll never know... perverts.... and hell, I've had dinner with those two guys...

... the only shred of hope that I can possibly glean from this is that I be attacked by a horde of female Zombies who wish to be pummeled internally and repeatedly by Petey while he is at full protuberance.... Thus satisfying their evil Zombiegirl butt-lust.... but even the thought of that is incredibly off-putting...

... I mean, sure, Petey is capable of mighty tasks on occasion.... and while I might be able to satisfy five or ten Zombiegirls, a whole horde would be beyond my abilities.... I'm a man, not a machine... and even I am not capable of handling that many Zombiegirls..... and if I couldn't perform, those horned-up Zombiegirls would turn on me and eat my brains....

... damn, what a way to wake up to a Wednesday morning..... I can't believe I just wrote that....

... oh, and on top of everything, my old friend Mark back in Scotland sent me a religious primer of sorts the other day in a warped kind of compliment....

... I tell you, boys and girls, the internet is really heading down hill these days... it really is... y'all should be ashamed of yourselves....

... I sure am...

UPDATE:... ok, boys and girls... it's official... RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!...

by Eric on August 30, 2006 | Bullshit (22) | TrackBack (0) | Blogging
Bullshit So Far

I think I'm hereby wishing my power was out due to this storm. I may have not actually read this.

I also think I'm afraid to meet Velociman now, although perhaps it is dear Elisson I should be more afraid of!

Bullshitted by Bou on August 30, 2006 08:06 AM

... I'm wishing my power was out too..

Bullshitted by Eric on August 30, 2006 08:15 AM

I too am not a fan of the zombie. Having sex with one, besides just plain old sick necrophilia, would be stinky, and mushy...

yeah wishin I would not have read this...

Bullshitted by armywifetoddlermom on August 30, 2006 08:37 AM

... trust me, I wish I hadn't written it...

Bullshitted by Eric on August 30, 2006 08:39 AM

Well I'll be gosh darned and here I thought a zombie was that six likker drink in a glass I use to toss back in my sodden misspent youth.Up here in the Nort we wait till winter when them undead fellers freeze solid then we feed em to the polar bears . Zombie popsicles.

Bullshitted by DanToom on August 30, 2006 01:41 PM

According to yer buddy Mark, you have the lord on your side iffen you should find yourself on the receiving end of a rump root from normal, not undead, of-this-earth sources.

'Course clearing the percieved sin out of a butt hammering from a zombie is an unlikely outcome. Looks like eternal damnation as well as a never ending walkabout with the undeadn is in store should you wake with yer shorts full of zombie goo.

My advice to stave off the ass raping zombies, retain your place in heaven, and relieve the night terrors?......

Have yer ass sutured shut. Only solution for piece of mind, bro. Hate to see you go through life pestered by ass raping zombies, so get right on that, toot sweet.

Bullshitted by bitterman on August 30, 2006 02:35 PM

Saints perserve us. I'm running as fast as I can. I know for a fact that Artillery Punch is no defense against Zombies...

Bullshitted by Libby on August 30, 2006 03:51 PM

I tell my students they sometimes need a filter between what they think and what they say in the classroom, and it seems to me that someone needs one as well.

Bullshitted by holder on August 30, 2006 04:02 PM

Filters? We don't need no steenkeen' filters!

Bullshitted by Elisson on August 30, 2006 08:10 PM

Boy...let 'em find just one little chink in the old armor and boy-howdy...they just pick at it and pick at it, don't they? hehehe

Bullshitted by Pammy on August 30, 2006 08:25 PM

I am constantly amazed at what I read here! LOL
Entertained, but amazed!

Tag. If you'll be so willing...

Bullshitted by Rave on August 30, 2006 08:46 PM

Here's your worst nightmare, Eric: ass raper zombies bearing Jehovah's Witness pamphlets.

Bullshitted by Velociman on August 30, 2006 08:56 PM

Here's your worst nightmare, Eric: ass raper zombies bearing Jehovah's Witness pamphlets.

Posted by Velociman on August 30, 2006 08:56 PM

Worst nightmare indeed...the V-Man has NO shame..indeed...heh. T'aint it wonderful?

Bullshitted by imp on August 30, 2006 10:18 PM

Filters? Filters? I don't even filter my coffee and I damn sure ain't gonna filter my writing..but I will take one of those Jehova witness filters

Bullshitted by GUYK on August 31, 2006 07:47 AM

why do I come here, is it some sort of sickness that can not be cured? I need a drink maybe half a dozen, whats next midgets and leprechauns? Tis a sadly warped world, I am blaming it on grits.

Bullshitted by jamesoldguy on August 31, 2006 09:11 AM

Very funny post - keep it up.

You talk easily about "handling" five to ten zombie girls.
Not knowing whether the zombie bit would infuse more marrow in a man's bones I can just say, from what I have heard from other people of course, is that the counting from 4 onwards is accompanied by lots of snorts and very heavy breathing.
The snort’s might help, I’ve heard.

Bullshitted by KeesKennis on August 31, 2006 11:49 AM

Rump Root'd by zoomies?? I knew better then to follow the URL on my site meter, but nooooooooo I did it anyway. Damn me for being so stupid.

Bullshitted by Wm H on August 31, 2006 12:45 PM

... and I thought it was my family that drove me to drinking, not SWG with a post about Zombies and sexual intercourse. My liver now fears you.

Bullshitted by ralphd00d on August 31, 2006 01:20 PM

AW... I don't think it can be called necrophilia if the dead are having sex with you. Eric and his zombie girls, yeah. But unwilling sex with the dead... there must be a name for that.

And I don't know why you're worried, dude. All you have to do is hang out in pairs. And make damn sure that you can run faster than your companion.

Bullshitted by That 1 Guy on August 31, 2006 02:33 PM

Yeah, but would Pete be able to preform soon as he got a look at the maggots a festering in the bung holes of those zombie girls?

Bullshitted by Maeve on August 31, 2006 03:52 PM

Yay, my first mention on SWG! For the record was 'recommended' to me by a devoutly atheist friend in Australia. How he came across (if you'll pardon the expression) a site that cross-references Christianity, anal canoodling and f!sting, I will never know....

Bullshitted by Mark on August 31, 2006 04:03 PM

As a self-proclaimed zombie expert, let me say that if this happens, I really want to have tickets to the show.

Bullshitted by Contagion on August 31, 2006 08:55 PM