Zombies...

.... of all the genres of film, horror is my least favorite.... I hate being scared.... I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell pull a wild, juicy hump on Snoop Dogg rather than sit through a horror flick.... and while I am as mildly superstitious as the next guy, the Great Unknown World of spooks, souls, demons, devils, ghosts, ghouls, monsters, and zombies, well, it just freaks me out....

... one reason, I suspect, is that my normal means of protection will not save me from said Spiritual Boogers... those ephemeral haints that lack substance..... indeed, you can't very well shoot a ball-and-chain sportin' ghost with your .45... it just doesn't work... at least not in the movies.. and I highly suspect it wouldn't work in real life neither...

.. so you are left to rely on some kind of Spiritual Warfare when met with scary things under your bed... and Spiritual Warfare has never really been my bag.... so unless it is a Vampire or Werewolf or King Kong, I'm screwed... but if it IS one of those boys, then some garlic, Holy Water, and a few silver bullets in the trusty old .45 will do the trick....

... but try that shit on a Zombie and see where it gets you... whew... they are the worst.... and believe it or not, I have put considerable thought into why it is - just exactly - that Zombies are the worst... ready?... one word, rubberneckers.... trust... it all comes down to trust... and Zombies are the ultimate trust-breakers....

... the way I see it, a dead guy is a dead guy... and in a way, well, dead=safe... unless you are a ghost... but then you aren't a "dead guy" at all.. you are now a ghost... and besides, nobody knows what ghosts are anyway... they might not even be the spirits of dead people... they could be any number of religious manifestations of evil... perhaps a demon in disguise?... but I'm losing my train of thought here....

... Zombies and trust.... Sure, no one would trust a ghost or a ghoul.... but a dead guy?... you can trust a dead guy completely... a dead guy is a DEAD GUY!.... so imagine you are with your best buddy (with whom you have enjoyed many, many years of kind friendship and camaraderie) out fighting monsters somewhere and he gets shot/bitten/stabbed/etc by a ghost/ghoul/devil/etc... you look over and think to yourself... "damn!.. my buddy is dead now!... this sucks!... I'm going to be fighting evil all on my own from here on out.... but, boy howdy, he sure was a good friend".. and then the next thing you know he rises from the dead and wants to eat your brains.... Trust=broken!...

... I mean, if you can't trust dead people, who can you trust?... and THAT is why Zombies are the worst monsters ever... Zombies just have no Code, man... no Honor... and you just can never be friends with a Zombie.... Zombies are just going to get you and there is nothing you can do about it... and even if you managed to blast one Zombie there is always another one ambling along right behind him just as intent on causing your demise!....

... freaky, no?... yeah, exactly.... Zombies twig something deep, deep down in our cores.... The very vision of mindless, uncontrollable masses dead-set on one goal.. eating your brains.... and as you try to defend yourself in whatever meager way you can muster, you see your Momma - all these many long years dead - staggering towards you with arms akimbo... salivating at the idea of eating your brains.... talk about heartbreaking... you want to run to her and give her musty, animated corpse a hug!... but you cant because she'd rip your skull open and suck out your brains as your eyes rolled back in your dying head!..... Zombies, damn I do so hate them...

... I simply cannot reiterate it enough, people.... Zombies are just plain wrong.... you should always, always, always be able to trust dead people..... end of discussion....

by Eric on August 18, 2006 | Bullshit (23) | TrackBack (0) | Ummm, Ok....
Bullshit So Far

you can never trust dead people. Trust me.

Bullshitted by RSM on August 18, 2006 06:49 PM

So is your good Scot wife very superstitious?

Bullshitted by drc on August 18, 2006 06:56 PM

.. do tell, RSM?....

... a wee bit, drc.... she's seen her share of ghosts.... no zombies though, thank heavens....

Bullshitted by Eric on August 18, 2006 07:33 PM

umm....this might work on zombies too.

http://www.recipeship.com/recipes/48186.htm

you are one funny dude!

Bullshitted by imp on August 18, 2006 07:53 PM

After that entertaining read I am stuck with an image of Rosie doing the nasty. What's wrong with this picture?

Bullshitted by Donna on August 18, 2006 07:58 PM

Never. Trust. Anyone.
It's not paronoia if they're really out to get you.

Bullshitted by K. D. Zu on August 18, 2006 08:14 PM

don't tell me ... you watched "sean of the dead?"

Bullshitted by erica on August 18, 2006 08:26 PM

Still, might want to keep a couple of these around. In your place it really would just blend in:
http://www.gizmodo.com/gadgets/gadgets/the-zombie-preparedness-kit-195294.php

Bullshitted by RSM on August 18, 2006 08:34 PM

Wait - zombies with arms "akimbo"??? I always imagined them with arms held straight out in front.... Hmmm......
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Akimbo

Bullshitted by Richmond on August 18, 2006 08:37 PM

i thought you were always lookin' for new recipes...*grinz*

Bullshitted by imp on August 18, 2006 08:55 PM

Rosie humping Snoop...I'd watch that!!!

Bullshitted by vicki on August 18, 2006 09:23 PM

Anti-Zombie medicine:

Crimp split #1 lead shot (i.e. fishing weights) evenly across 8" length of 1/16th" braided steel aircraft cable. Substitute 80lb test monofilament for cable if necessary. Coil cable & weights tightly, stuff inside 12 ga shot wad. Insert shot wad into shotgun hull atop usual charge of powder/over-powder wad and crimp as usual in your reloading press. Better make a couple of hundred, zombies travel in herds.

These are 'grasscutter' rounds, and will remove legs and heads with fiendish glee. Save the last one for yourself.

Good luck, and good hunting!

Bullshitted by El Capitan on August 18, 2006 09:30 PM

LOL@ El Capitano!!!!! Excellent recipe, Sir!

Bullshitted by imp on August 18, 2006 09:37 PM

Eric:
FLAMETHROWERS
(don't forget the refills)

Bullshitted by Sine.Qua.Non on August 18, 2006 11:07 PM

Eric,
You got you some weird quirks there, ain't ya? Zombies? The things that occupy your tortured mind.

I recommend watching the HBO Series "Six Feet Under". Lots of talking stiffs on that show. Consider it therapy.

Bullshitted by Jerry on August 18, 2006 11:16 PM

Eric, put the remote down, snuff out the big 'ol doobie and step away from the t.v.

No more trips to Madam Tussaud's for you!

Bullshitted by Rave on August 19, 2006 12:01 AM

The worst part about zombies isn't that they might try to eat your brains, oh, no.

The worst part is, if they somehow end up living in your colon, you can't tell if you have a family of zombies living up your ass, or whether them toxic farts are due to the garlic-laden Lamb Vindaloo you ate.

Bullshitted by Elisson on August 19, 2006 06:22 AM

So what zombie movie have you been watching? Dawn of the Dead, Shawn of the Dead, Resident Evil....Do tell!

Bullshitted by Carmen on August 19, 2006 08:04 AM

Zombies - rock group 60's - "She's Not There". Great tune.

Stick to "the Honeymooners" for a while, Bro.

Bullshitted by Jim - PRS on August 19, 2006 12:50 PM

I love horror flicks even though they sometimes scare me to death - I watched that really weird one where the girl from Buffy the Vampire Slayer went to China and was doing homecare for this old lady and the dead kids in the ceiling kept haunting her. G was right beside me in bed (asleep) but it still scared the crap outta me!

Bullshitted by Lisa W. on August 19, 2006 02:14 PM

I've been told that a full life size picture painted on your house will keep the zombies at bay but it has to be on the front and back both. I think I would rather have the zombies than a picture of a blood sucker though.

Bullshitted by GUYK on August 20, 2006 10:16 AM

I have no choice now but to put all Romero's "Dead" flicks on continuous loop when I come to your house. You'll really enjoy it. I swear. Also: you can't reason with a zombie. They want your entrails, and they will have your entrails.

Bullshitted by velociman on August 20, 2006 10:59 AM

Then you'll REALLY hate my Hot Zombie Sex post from yesterday, Eric.

I wish I'da read this, first, it would have made writing it that much more enjoyable.

Bullshitted by Bane on August 21, 2006 04:23 PM