... you know, you would think that someone who had been born and bred in The South would know better than to grill cheese burgers when the mercury reads 97 and the heat-index approaches 107.... Yeah, you'd think the idiot would know better....

... and no, I'm not talking about my neighbor.....

... I cracked open the seal on the garage tonight and treated my dear, Sainted Mother to a meal of freshly grilled burgers, tossed salad, baked beans, and ice cream with mango nectar poured over the top.... She seemed to enjoy it.... even though when I was finished manning the grill I looked like I'd taken the Nestea Plunge in a vat of sweat...

... be that as it may, serious things were set afoot during the after-dinner conversation..... namely, well, that her new neighbors (recently moved in from the wilds of Michigan) are going to soon be receiving a serious attitude adjustment from little ole me....

.. it is going to be bad, I tell you truly.... the vile head of Intimidation is being unveiled in my Momma's neighborhood... a neighborhood where I was brought up... a small stretch of road that I watched my Mother and Father civilize over the course of thirty years.....

... and people, this will not fucking stand.. no, Sir.... not at all... some people see my Mother and see a widow... other see her as a middle-aged woman living alone on more land than she can handle.... what they do not see is that, while she is a Southern Woman in the highest sense, she is also a Mother, Aunt, and Sister of some people who are capable of some bad, bad things when provoked....

... I don't know how they grow people in Michigan, but here in Tennessee, well, you just don't act like that.... not without serious consequences....

... so the next few weeks will be interesting to witness, I am sure.... I have a plan... but the more I let my mind ponder upon it, the more I want to ditch the plan and start doing things more forthrightly.... yea, there will be fences built.. farm animals will die.... roaming pets (which in the past were left to roam freely) will be shown the way to Allah.... and some Michiganders are about to find out what a hillbilly is capable of.... and ALL within the law of the county..... God, I love living in the sticks sometimes.....

... it does not pay to fuck with my Mother... especially when her Son lives two miles away.... and I have a lot of numbers in my little black book....

... I am a very nice guy... but if you want a piece, you shall have it...

by Eric on August 01, 2006 | Bullshit (20) | TrackBack (0) | Psycho Rants
Bullshit So Far

You don't mess with a boy's momma. Especially when that boy's all growed up. Good hunting, man, they deserve whatever it is they get.

Bullshitted by tommy on August 1, 2006 09:31 PM

I almost feel bad for 'em. But as Tommy said, they deserve whatever they get.

Bullshitted by phin on August 1, 2006 09:41 PM

... the pricks have no idea......

Bullshitted by Eric on August 1, 2006 10:17 PM

I loathe bad neighbors. Good for you for looking out for your mom.

Bullshitted by Libby on August 1, 2006 11:32 PM

Eric -

Please. You know better than to make bouillabaisse, go to all the trouble of serving the chilled repast to your northern friends, yet talk about the treat to all and sundry.

You know well that such tasty repasts are best served cold.


Bullshitted by Bob Baird on August 2, 2006 01:24 AM

The neighbours obviously haven't read the bit that said, "former US Marine"!!! That's the sort of situation we see in those imported movies from the former colonies.

Importantly - were the burgers good?

Bullshitted by James on August 2, 2006 04:27 AM

get 'em!

Bullshitted by holder on August 2, 2006 06:55 AM

Oh shit. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and mulitply that by 10 when she has a loving son.

Bullshitted by Bou on August 2, 2006 06:59 AM

Oh to have a son like Eric...:) Hope my boys look after me when I'm alone.
You're a good boy.

Bullshitted by Lisa W. on August 2, 2006 07:21 AM

Good luck and good hunting!

Bullshitted by Laughing Wolf on August 2, 2006 07:41 AM

I'd do the same, bro.

Bury them.

Bullshitted by T1G on August 2, 2006 07:46 AM

If they are acting like that they sure in the hell were not raised in Michigan.

We Michganders were raised with manners and civility. Well of course unless they were raised in Detroit, then that is another matter all together.

Bullshitted by Quality Weenie on August 2, 2006 11:38 AM

Oh good lord... They have no idea the can of whoopass they have opened. No pity from me, though. None at all...

Bullshitted by Richmond on August 2, 2006 01:02 PM

Yow! I currently live in Michigan and I can tell you that some of the individuals who reside here could use a good severe kick up the proverbial ass. I am smiling as I imagine you taking care of business. This Oklahoma girl is rooting for the Marine for life (no, Marines do not retire, they just refocus on other things!) Oh yeah, my Dad is a Marine ~

Bullshitted by Kat on August 2, 2006 01:56 PM

Dear Blog Bro,

As a northerner I hope you give those idiots at least 1 tiny chance to redeem themselves. After all, we northerners don't really immediately know southern ways. I learned that the hard way when living in Virginia and working in DC. I must've offended at least 1 southerner per week. But I learned. Think of them as stupid immigrants that don't know any better. I think it's better to educate your neighbors first then let them have a little taste of your southern ire.

Talking is good for 2 reasons. You explains things nice-like, it's also a scouting mission. If after they don't behave nice, you have enough information on their weaknesses to extract your revenge. Heh, heh, heh!

Bullshitted by Michele on August 2, 2006 03:18 PM

I have to agree with Quality Weenie. We have plenty of ass hats in most every state - it's not just Michigan. But Detroit area - that might explain it. And some of the folks from the Auto industry - not sure the large SUVs they build can haul their egos. So... Please do not hold it against us in MI that you have had the misfortune of experience our dregs.

And all that said, I pity the idiot - you will clean up, and rightly so!

Bullshitted by jck on August 2, 2006 07:02 PM

Do these people have any idea just who they are fucking with? Or what a Pissed-Off Eric could bring to bear on the situation?

Ohh, it is NOT a good idea to mess with the Straight White Momma...no indeedy...you want to be on the good side of them Tennessee folk...

Bullshitted by Elisson on August 2, 2006 11:46 PM

Let me know if you need an alibi. 'Cause you and I were hanging out down here in ATL when it happened, weren't we?

Bullshitted by zonker on August 2, 2006 11:58 PM

I guess we're not going to get any details on how this little imbroglio works itself out until the statute of limitations is passed, right? I'll wait.

Bullshitted by John Climacus on August 3, 2006 01:01 AM

...good fences make good neighbors...

Hey I hope you have a .22-250, it would be most fun to elimnate michi-pets.

I know a guy (whose wife loved cats the sickos) that actually made a spot remover using a modified Ruger (.22 with machined silencer). Crazy fuk'r actually shot any dog that wondered onto his property.


Bullshitted by Lance Osborne on August 4, 2006 08:09 AM