Porch...

.... last night whilst caught up in a particularly gruesome episode of ˜Cold Case Files", my attention kept getting disrupted by a quiet tapping on the front door... initially I just poured another G&T, attempted to channel Ed Poe, and turned up the tube... but the persistent pecking persisted.... who could this be rapping on my chamber door?... anyway, I finally had taken all I could.... so, fearing Zombies were trying to lure me out into the open (it was dark after all, and you just never can be too careful) I racked a round into my .45 and flipped on the porch light to investigate....

... Jesus, people.... more stinking bugs.... some sort of brown - and almost opaque - beetles about the size of shucked peanuts.... my commentary on the flighty prowess of beetles and moths is well documented in the archives in as much as they have very little prowess... but these beetles took the cake.... see, there were no lights on in the casa, so I can only assume that the flicker of unsolved mysteries coming from the television was attracting them... but instead of battering themselves against the window, they were almost politely knocking on the door... and yes, for you purists out there, I fully realize that they were not knocking on the door... but merely too aerodynamically-challenged to actually fly their bulbous bodies into the window screen...

.. be that all as it may, I sat myself back onto the couch and tried to get my Case Files groove back on.... Zombies being now out of the question..

... but the whole time I reclined, I could not help but focus on the scrabbling noises that thousands of tiny feet were making just a few steps away...

... after a few minutes I stole to the kitchen to fetch my handy dandy Wasp and Hornet juice....

... and opening the door just a pinch, my lanky arm slipped through the crack and doused the porch light with long, thick streams of pesticide... once I was finished, I turned on the front porch light.... Heh....

... almost immediately, hundreds of bugs of various sizes, shapes, and social backgrounds were drawn to the newly blazing "Sun"... a sun dripping in Quick Death...

... hey, it worked like a charm... no more tap, tap, tapping.. no more rap, rap, rapping..... peace and quiet reigned supreme once again in my humble home....

.... however, in this warm light of day, I am now faced with a mighty pile of life-bereft exoskeletons on my doorstep.... goodness.... woe betide the Country Gentleman, people.. one truly cannot win for losing... country life is a battle... day in and day out......

... and shortly I will be entertaining guests for dinner... and here I sit with pounds of euthanized varmints - their husks alternately heaped on my welcome mat or glued to the sticky light fixture....

.... mercy... I better get this all hosed off before Bou and her boys get here..... such a sight is liable to put them off their cheese burgers....

by Eric on July 12, 2006 | Bullshit (13) | TrackBack (0) | Blogging
Bullshit So Far

I think you were over gunned?

Bullshitted by Catfish on July 12, 2006 07:29 AM

... indeed, friend... and now I've got one helluva mess....

Bullshitted by Eric on July 12, 2006 07:32 AM

It's a jungle out there...

Bullshitted by Libby on July 12, 2006 07:54 AM

I hear bugs love gin, that may be the problem. They also may hear the clickety clack of your keyboard during the day and think it is the "mothership".

Oh and bugs are considered delicacy most places, to bad you used pesticide. YOu may have intrigued Bous boys with some sort of chocolate covered hors'dourv.

Bullshitted by armywifetoddlermom on July 12, 2006 08:38 AM

I thought you were going to say that those non-existance chickens that your non-existant dog killed the other day coming to haunt you.

Bullshitted by Quality Weenie on July 12, 2006 10:01 AM

Ugh - reminds me of a spider story from Lake Hauser. ::shudder::

Bullshitted by Richmond on July 12, 2006 10:38 AM

Then silence and the Raid death reigned over all. (Apologies to E.A. Poe)

Bullshitted by Rey B on July 12, 2006 02:32 PM

You a Beetle Bomber .Maybe put that on a tee shirt eh.

Bullshitted by DanToom on July 12, 2006 03:18 PM

Bou!! Please give her my best regards.

Bullshitted by Jim - PRS on July 12, 2006 03:47 PM

It would take a lot more than bugs to put Bou's boys off their cheeseburgers!! ;-) We had a GREAT time. Absolutely fantastic. They really enjoyed looking for grasshoppers and frogs in your yard!

One of the highlights was, "Eric! Can you help us catch this frog?!!" heh heh heh!

Bullshitted by Bou on July 12, 2006 09:42 PM

Oh, sweet Jesus ... my inherent fear of hard-bodied insects is legendary.

Well, 'tis a far better world they go to.

Bullshitted by ericas on July 12, 2006 11:35 PM

Remarkable. The man hoses down some bugs with Death-Squirt and wrings out of the experience sheer poetry.

"A mighty pile of life-bereft exoskeletons," indeed...sounds so much better than "a honkin' heap of dead junebugs."

I'm guessing Bou's boys would've loved to see the heap, too...boys are like that...

Bullshitted by Elisson on July 13, 2006 12:52 PM

bug murderer. ;)

We have some honking big banana spiders on the front and back porch. I've been letting them eat the bugs that are drawn to the porch lights, and they've grown fat and happy in their webs.

I'm going to have to take pics now and blog about them.

Bullshitted by trouble on July 14, 2006 02:06 PM