Voicemail...

.... I gently fell asleep on the sofa last night to the light pattering of rain.... dreams of clouds, rainbows, and waterfalls peopled with scantily clad nymphs were enjoyed throughout the long night.... It was wonderful.... so I wake, slightly groggy but happy, at 4AM to find my cellphone buzzing away on my hip...

... "weird", thinks I to myself... "why would someone call me at such a late hour... 12:43AM... probably some blogger drunk-dialing my saintly ass from a bar somewhere.. "...

... so as you do, I checked the voicemail... and here is a rough transcript...

(slightly slurred East Tennessee redneck) .... "Eeeeeeerick... I've got your dog over here... give me a call at 519-XXXX when you can... like I said, your dog is over here and he's KILLED A BUNCH of my CHICKENS... and I'm pretty PISSED OFF... so you just call me tomorrow so we can settle this with a COURT DATE.... Your name and number is on his collar.... We'll settle this in court with you and your chicken-killin' dawg.... thanks".... *click*...

... ladies and gentlemen, to say that this message harshed my sublime mellow in a big, big way would be the understatement of the century... I was fucking livid.... and it is never a good thing to anger me first thing in the morning... most of the time, I am the epitome of Zenned-out Libran Calmness.... but when jolted awake by anger, threats, and haughtiness... well, I can get pretty mean...

... first off, let me preface this whole tale with the salient fact that I don't own a fucking dog... and even if I DID own a dog it wouldn't be wandering around the neighborhood at night killing chickens... and even if it WERE wandering around at night killing chickens, then the chickens probably needed KILLING... and they had probably offended it in some way and deserved to die... if I did have a fucking dog I would stand by his moral judgment to kill chickens as he saw fit....

... anyway, once my eyes stopped glowing red, I phoned my fellow hillbilly for a chat.... 4:30AM and the phone just rang and rang.... typical... so I waited.... and waited.... and waited... 7:00AM I called again... just ringing.... and ringing...

... my third attempt was at 8 and it was successful...

(slightly sleepy/drugged/hung-over voice of the same asshole who left the message for me at 12:43AM) .... Uhh... hullo?...

Me. .... Good morning... I'm Eric... you left a message on my phone last night about my dog....

Hillbilly: .... Huh?...

Me: ... you said that my dog had killed your chickens... you left a message giving me this number...

Hillbilly: .... Who is this?.... I didn't leave a message for you...

Me: ... my name is Eric.... how did you get my number, Sir?...

Hillbilly .... Huh?... I don't know what you are talking about...

Me: ... do you own chickens?... is my dog there?... are we going to settle on a court date or what?...

Hillbilly... Eric?... COURT DATE?!... I don't own any chickens...

Me: ... well, that's a good thing... because if you did, I would drive to your house and shoot every goddamn one of them... THEN we could set a court date, motherfucker.... Never call me again... and I'd watch about huffing on that pipe and then calling people you don't know and threatening them... as a matter of fact, I'll bring my State Trooper neighbor with me when I come to shoot your fucking chickens so he can help us with the court date after I'm done.... where the fuck do you live, asshole?...

Hillbilly: ... Mister, I'm sorry... please don't call the cops..... *click*...

... so it's 8:32 now and I'm feeling a bit better.... that man must have been stoned to the Moon to have dreamt up a whole flock of chickens and a chicken-killing dog.... but coffee and nicotine are balming me nicely... so how was your morning?....

by Eric on July 10, 2006 | Bullshit (32) | TrackBack (0) | Psycho Rants
Bullshit So Far

brilliant, eric, truly! zenned-out libran calmness, that's my fave, but there are a lot of great phrases in this post. good work.

Bullshitted by shoe on July 10, 2006 08:01 AM

Type the phonbe number into google and it will give you an address. Go kick his ass, not for being a stoner/drunk, but for being a stupid stoner / drunk. A drunk prank is one thing, but not remembering said prank is going too far.

I would go buy a dozen roosters and take them to his house as "replacements".

Bullshitted by hoosierboy on July 10, 2006 08:11 AM

.. thanks, Shoe...

... I tried, Hoosierboy... but it is a cell number...

Bullshitted by Eric on July 10, 2006 08:15 AM

Remind me never to piss you off...

Bullshitted by Elisson on July 10, 2006 08:21 AM

Reminds of that joke about the guy who got pissed at two different guys and had them fighting each other...hmmm...I'll have to see if I can find it for you...

Bullshitted by drc on July 10, 2006 09:22 AM

I just want to know how the heck he got your number in the first place. A randamly dialed number I can understand. But dialed with the correct name? That's just weird.

Bullshitted by Fiona on July 10, 2006 09:25 AM

Maybe he was out partying with someone you know and while both of them were higher than kites - they called and left you that message thinking you'd call right back... *grin*

As for me - my morning has been fine - the afternoon won't be any great shakes though. But I'll still be able to giggle over this one.

Bullshitted by Teresa on July 10, 2006 09:49 AM

I'm not a morning person either. Want me to go and help shoot his non-existant clucks?

Bullshitted by Junebugg on July 10, 2006 10:06 AM

Oh good lord...

don't forget you have people round here who might... maybe... be able to... I don't know... grab a lot more information from a cell phone number than normal routes might give you...

(They don't call me "Interrogation" for nothing)

Bullshitted by rsm on July 10, 2006 10:26 AM

Dude, you took that so much better than I would have... but I'm still proud of ya.

Bullshitted by That 1 Guy on July 10, 2006 10:28 AM

Too funny! I like Hoosierboy's idea. Too bad it's a cell phone number.

Bullshitted by Maeve on July 10, 2006 10:46 AM

What kind of huntin' dog is it that you got what kills the neighbors chickens? I have hard of coon hounds, terd hounds, shit-eatin' dawgs, Georgia Bulldawgs, and bird dogs. But you be the first I ever knew of to keep a chicken dog..and then lie about it on a damn blog when it goes huntin that poor hillbillies chickens. You realized that dawg may have cost that boy several months of his love life...

Bullshitted by GUYK on July 10, 2006 11:41 AM

I feel your pain, Eric. The last four digits of my phone number spell something profane (and no I didn't plan it that way) which leads to many 3AM phone calls from drunken teenage boys. Except usually it's not a court date they're asking for...although if I took them up on their offers I would probably get one of those thrown in free of charge.

Bullshitted by Joan on July 10, 2006 11:57 AM

I'd be most interested in how he got the number and name. I also like Hoosierboy's idea, and it would be a great idea to make sure they can't get away or get eaten by putting them in his vehicle, house, or some other safe and secure location... You handled it well.

Bullshitted by Laughing Wolf on July 10, 2006 12:30 PM

Oh my GOODNESS! How mental is that??? I would be a little creeped out wondering how he got my name/number...

Bullshitted by Lisa W. on July 10, 2006 12:34 PM

Look at the good side....you were not accused of chokin' his chicken.

Bullshitted by marcus on July 10, 2006 12:44 PM

Heh... good one Marcus!

Bullshitted by Alaska Kim on July 10, 2006 12:50 PM

Was the particular brand of dog that raised all the ruckus a Cockhound?

Me I've always found that cockhounds are apt to get into lots of trouble late at night.

Bullshitted by phin on July 10, 2006 12:53 PM

Well told.
I will try not to piss you off.
I will tell the story tommorow or the day after (depending on work hours) about my dogs killing some neigbors fowls.

Thanks for the place on your blogroll

Bullshitted by KeesKennis on July 10, 2006 01:03 PM

Whew... for a minute there, I though you were gonna somehow mention my name in that conversation.

Bullshitted by RedNeck on July 10, 2006 01:55 PM

Jeez. What Elisson said!

But good on ya for calling the stupid S.O.B. and chewing his ass... What an idiot.

Bullshitted by Richmond on July 10, 2006 02:11 PM

Perhaps he got your number from the men's room wall at Tito's Lavender Lace Club. That'll learn ya not to wear chaps without undies.

Bullshitted by Jim - PRS on July 10, 2006 03:36 PM

Eric,
Come to think of it. I have a chicken house and there aren't any chickens in it. Your damn dog must have ate mine too. You're only two states away....it's possible. I'm suing your ass!

Bullshitted by Jerry on July 10, 2006 07:13 PM

Handled well. I would have had to hurt the young lad but hey, you done good.

Bullshitted by oddybobo on July 10, 2006 08:54 PM

I second Hoosier's idea!

Unfortunately my phone number is one away from the loacl waffle house, and on the other side one away from the Honda dealership. I get the weirdest phone calls...I should probably look at getting it changed sometime.

Bullshitted by Beatle412 on July 10, 2006 10:21 PM

*disguising voice*

-yeah, it wasn't me, I have 0 chickens....

Bullshitted by armywifetoddlermom on July 10, 2006 11:28 PM

Umm, just a thought - this was a voicemail message, right? Does your greeting happen to say, "Hi, this is Eric"? That would be how he knew your name. ;-p
Interesting morning you had there! I think you should get a dog. :-D

Bullshitted by just-me-jen on July 11, 2006 05:57 AM

You better double check that phone number. I think that might have been Catfish calling you.

Rick

Bullshitted by recondo32 on July 11, 2006 09:24 AM

You handled that one alot better than I would have. Heh....

Bullshitted by Moogie on July 11, 2006 09:26 AM

Oh crap, I knew I shouldn't have given Shrek your number.

(No, not really... :D)

Bullshitted by Key on July 11, 2006 10:49 AM

SO much more calmer than what I would have been. I would have found a way to coax the fucker into giving me his address and name and then having my way with him... I imagine a Cujo type dog beeing sic'd on him would work fine.

Bullshitted by Blaez on July 11, 2006 07:26 PM

Holy shit. And people say I scare them when I'm pissed. You win... :)

Bullshitted by Bou on July 12, 2006 09:35 PM