The Truth...

.... you know, I am the most law-abiding citizen I know of... no, seriously.... I am a veritable pillar of the fucking community compared with most of the people I hang out with.... trust me, people... I am on NO ONE'S criminal radar.... and for that matter, I never HAVE been...

.... and yet I know there are going to be some stories about my moving violation... especially since there were three distinguished gentlemen in the car with me when it happened... add to that the fact that they are bloggers, and well, there you go... by the time the tale is twisted and blogged, I will have been fleeing the scene of my most recent 7-11 heist at high speed or something....

.... however, believe nothing of what they tell you (if they mention it at all) as their jaundiced views and advice are what contributed to me breaking the law to begin with.... and personally, out of all the ones in the peanut gallery who were egging me on, I lay the largess portion of the blame on Yabu and his Bad Bad Juju.... him sitting in the back seat of my Audi ripping loose with rum-fueled howler monkey cackles broke my concentration....

... anyway, here is the real deal as best as I can recollect it....

The Cast: Me, Elisson, Yabu, and Denny....

Scene: ... pulling away from the funeral home....
Me: .. you guys cool enough back there?... I turned the air down as low as it would go...
In unison: ... I'm fine...
Me: ... cool... so... we make a left, a right, and then a left to get back to the hotel, yeah?....
Elisson: .... That's right... I'll show you where to turn... damn, you are a bumpkin..
Me: ... bite me... I don't like cities with more than two stoplights....
Denny: ... hahahhahh..... Eric is a bumpkin...
Yabu: ... what a service.. it was nice.... Fucking-A, man... Acidman is gone...
In unison: ... I miss him already....

Scene: three minutes later as we approach the hotel...
Me: .... Ok, there is the hotel... so do I circle the block, or what?...
Yabu: ... naaawww, man... just pull a fucking u-ey... I've seen these Savannahites pull that shit all the time...
Me: ... (stopping at the light and ensuring that there is nothing coming) ... so, I just turn around right here?.. is that legal?...
Yabu: ... Fuck legal... I want to get out of this fucking suit... fuck, man... C'MON!...
Me: .. (sitting stoped at the traffic light) ... well, nothing is coming.. is it ok to go?... hey, Elisson... is that a cop car coming in the distance?...
Elisson: ... hmmm... could very well be, my boy... it's still too far away to tell...
Yabu: .... The Fuzz?... Fuck a bunch of Fuzz...
Me: .... Ok... alright... here goes... are you guys sure that guy isn't a cop? ...
Denny... hehheeh... heh heh... heh heh...
Me: .... (pulling a perfect u-turn) ... see?.. I told you this car can turn on a dime...
Elisson .... Dude... that IS a cop...
Yabu: ... BWHAHAHAHAHAHA... he's GOT YOUR ASS!!.... you waited until he was right there, man... BWHAHAHAHAH....
Elisson: ... oops... sorry, Eric.... I just couldn't see that far...
Me: .... DAMMIT!!... he's got his lights on!... Yabu, you dirty bastard....
Denny: ... BHWHAHAHAAAHHA....
Yabu: ... Dude, you are so busted.... Quick, HIDE YOUR GUN!!...
Me... SHUT UP!!... he's at the damn WINDOW... ummm... hello, Officer....
Denny: ... wow.. Eric, you are a monumental dumbass....
Me: .... thank you, Denny... thank you.....

... at that point, well, I had three guys sitting in my car with shades and black suits on laughing their asses off as one of Savannah's finest wrote my ass up.... but at least he was nice about it all.... I mean, I was guilty as hell... and I didn't even SEE that red arrow...

... and that, dear friends, is the whole truth... the true story of how I got my FIRST EVER ticket... I could blame it on nerves... or being distracted by just coming from Rob's funeral.. or just not being used to so many one-way streets... but you know, really and truthfully?... I blame Yabu... his Bad Bad Juju is contagious.... Yabu is the type of guy who can wander down a street at night pulling an arson job on every third house for ten blocks and never get caught... me?... the first time I commit a traffic offense, I get a ticket... that's just not right....

by Eric on July 01, 2006 | Bullshit (31) | TrackBack (0) | Psycho Rants
Bullshit So Far

So let me get this straight...You got a ticket for running a red light and NOT for whipping a u-ey?

Heh Heh Heh Heh...wish I could have seen your face when those red and blues washed over you!

Bullshitted by drc on July 1, 2006 03:09 PM

... yeah... the u-turn would have been alright... just as long as I had waited until the arrow was green... dammit..

Bullshitted by Eric on July 1, 2006 03:12 PM

You should be thankful he didn't haul your ass in and shared you with his redneck buddies.

Bullshitted by Catfish on July 1, 2006 03:49 PM

Eric,
Oh it gets a little easier every time you get pulled over. I got thrown in jail the first time when I was 41. Your straight and narrow life could still go to hell in a hand basket. And to have friends along as witnesses. Now that's just priceless!

Bullshitted by Jerry on July 1, 2006 04:05 PM

Eric,
Oh it gets a little easier every time you get pulled over. I got thrown in jail the first time when I was 41. Your straight and narrow life could still go to hell in a hand basket. And to have friends along as witnesses. Now that's just priceless!

Bullshitted by Jerry on July 1, 2006 04:06 PM

That's his story, and he's sticking to it...

...and actually, that's pretty much exactly the way it went down...

Bullshitted by Elisson on July 1, 2006 04:20 PM

...that definately sounds like peer pressure to me...


Bullshitted by vicki on July 1, 2006 04:21 PM

Heh...doesn't surprise me a BIT that you got your first ticket whilst in the company of those boys...

Bullshitted by Lisa W. on July 1, 2006 04:23 PM

My favorite lines:

Elisson: …. That’s right… I’ll show you where to turn… damn, you are a bumpkin..
Me: … bite me… I don’t like cities with more than two stoplights….
Denny: … hahahhahh….. Eric is a bumpkin...

Heh heh heh!

The frickin' Blues Brothers x 2 in an Audi. I wish I coulda seen that one.

Bullshitted by Bou on July 1, 2006 04:40 PM

I'm gonna have to set you straight brother...

Bullshitted by Yabu on July 1, 2006 05:01 PM

Too friggin funny! As a life long Savannah native, I must laugh. I see people, (out-of-towners) all the time doing wacky stuff, like going the wrong way down a one way street, running the arrows, getting lost and asking for directions on 37th ST...gotta love the SPD or whatever it is called now...

Bullshitted by Beatle412 on July 1, 2006 05:36 PM

BUH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!

Bullshitted by Maeve on July 1, 2006 05:52 PM

...distinguished gentlemen?? hmmm, partners in crime should share the brunt, no? I'm talking 3 way split....

Bullshitted by marcus on July 1, 2006 05:56 PM

.. damn, but I do like the way you think, Marcus....

Bullshitted by Eric on July 1, 2006 07:14 PM

Yabu: …. The Fuzz?... Fuck a bunch of Fuzz…

Classic LOL! You should have known right THEN that there was gonna be trouble.

Bullshitted by Chablis on July 1, 2006 07:41 PM

Well...all I can say is...you were driving.

Shit, I stand by my version...we need to get Elisson and Denny on the stand.

Bwahahahahah!!!

Bullshitted by Yabu on July 1, 2006 09:48 PM

Hey blog fodder ain't free you know. Besides, any day you get through a traffic stop without ending up standing on one foot at the side of the road reciting the alphabet is good day....

Bullshitted by Libby on July 2, 2006 11:43 AM

That's funny! I wish I could have witnessed that one. Classic!

Bullshitted by Dash on July 2, 2006 12:42 PM

You know, I've never gotten a speeding ticket.

In fact, after giving a friend of mine a ride from Houston to Beaumont, she said that if I were ever to get stopped for a speeding ticket that I was to contest it. She promised to be a character witness. Oddly, the other friends of ours following my car made the same statement.

You'd'a thought they'd have been grateful for a nice leisurely tour of I-10.

:0)

Bullshitted by Nancy on July 2, 2006 01:07 PM

Hell, if that were me, the cop would have heard my subtle Jersey accent and I'd still be in the slammer.

Bullshitted by Jim - PRS on July 2, 2006 01:13 PM

Eric...it's called Karma. You have to pay to play.

That's a fact.

Bwahahahahah!!!

Bullshitted by Yabu on July 2, 2006 02:08 PM

What? You had a clean slate?? And you didn't USE that? Officer, my nerves are fried, but I've been a good boy, clean slate, any chance I could talk you into a warning???

I am so disappointed in you. Not that it wasn't fun laughing at yo ass with all the others in the hotel room shortly afterwards... :D

Bullshitted by Key on July 2, 2006 02:24 PM

That's priceless!!

Bullshitted by Marianne on July 2, 2006 09:37 PM

The only part of that story that wasn't true was me laughing. I really felt bad for Eric. Honest. I was the one who told him he should be crying and let the cop know that we were coming from a funeral. It was all Yabu's fault anyway.

Bullshitted by Denny on July 2, 2006 11:16 PM

Denny, he did tell him we were coming from a funeral...AFTER... he signed the ticket.

Bullshitted by Yabu on July 3, 2006 09:20 AM

Oh to have been a fly on the visor.....

LMAO!

Bullshitted by Evilicious Blonde on July 3, 2006 03:18 PM

Damn. The shame and ignominy of getting a ticket going 5 MPH. You're a regular Driving Miss Daisy.

Bullshitted by Velociman on July 3, 2006 04:20 PM

How much did it cost you and did the other three offer to help pay? Yeah..right

Bullshitted by GUYK on July 4, 2006 07:11 AM

Lessee here....

Do the U-turn? Check.

Run the redlight? Check.

Wearing your specs? Hmmm?

Listening to Yabu and Denny?

Listening to Yabu and Denny in a town they don't know?

Priceless Indeed!

Bullshitted by Old Wierd Ward on July 5, 2006 02:59 PM

Lemme guess, Y'all were on a mission from Gawd, and just trying to get the band back together?
Sorry, I couldn't help but laugh and think of you wiley types as the Blues Brothers.

Bullshitted by lisakay on July 7, 2006 05:12 AM

Hey, I sympathize; you make one little mistake and Da Man is on yer arse, keepin' ya down! He COULD have given you a warning, cut you a little slack. But nooooo! Surprised that, given the gravity of your crime, he didn't call for backup and perform a body cavity search.
Last week I was doing a good deed, driving to a drugstore to get my 80 year old mother-in-law's Rx's filled... not another car on the road going through this godforsaken little borough on the way. Then a cop pulls out, pulls me over for - in his words - ' doing 43 in a 30 mile per hour zone'. Of course, there are NO posted speed limit signs, and it was just his word against mine; but he ran license checks, checked out my insurance coverage on his phone, did all kind of crap and kept me sitting there for 15 long minutes before finishing up his ticket. I HATE to sound racist, but he was a 'gentleman of colour' and you could tell he was really enjoying sticking it to whitey.
Oh, well - they really did need the revenue as the locally depressed economy is making it hard for them to buy decent quality crack.One Adam Twelve, One Adam Twelve, apprehend the dangerous fugitives suspected of traffic violations!
But here's a hint for you, my friend - if you are ever stopped again, tell 'em your name is Habib and you work for the CAIR / ACLU alliance and you're hurrying to your NYT interview. They'll kiss your booty & send you on your way.

Bullshitted by Greybeard on July 8, 2006 09:59 PM