Funerals....

... after dinner last night, the subject of funeral arrangements came up.... what a strange way to end an evening... my Mother insisted on going over her simple plans again.... what exactly we were to do once she checked out; everything was pre-planned in her mind... the type of flowers... the type of casket.... all elements completed and performed as cheaply as possible.... even down to her wishes not to be buried with any of her jewelry on..

... the Wife piped in after a pause and made her wishes known.... Cremation.... cremation, with her ashes taken back to her native land... and then scattered along a small stretch of Montrose beach... a place where she was always content and at peace....

... the mood was quite somber and mellow... deep thoughts had obviously been painstakingly expressed....

.. but once those two were finished, they both looked at me.... as if it were my turn or something.... so I pondered for a bit and sipped my Scotch... and then, I spoke...

... "well, whatever happens, there won't be much left to bury.. I'm sure that the donor surgeons will have picked my carcass nearly clean trying to harvest all of my wonderful organs... so I guess I should just be cremated too... maybe you guys should just have a big bonfire and send me out ala' Funeral Pyre... roast marshmallows or weenies or something and have a party.. I don't want anyone crying when I die.. "

.. taking in a draught of my Talisker, I watched the ladies for a reaction... and after a few seconds of waiting, it came.... "well, dear... that sounds fine.... but Honey, I'm not sure it would work out all that well... I mean, just imagine... the line of people who'd be waiting to toss a celebratory urination on your corpse would be immense... they'd end up putting out the bonfire.. "...

... and as I sat there slack-jawed at the sheer audacity, the two of them giggled like schoolgirls...

.. goodness, people... see what I have to deal with after cooking two women a fine dinner?.. a long line, indeed.... a very, very long line.... but what a visual... I did laugh and laugh.... Damn, I think I should invite my Momma over for dinner more often....

by Eric on June 05, 2006 | Bullshit (10) | TrackBack (0) | Drinking
Bullshit So Far

.. good point, Phin...

Bullshitted by Eric on June 5, 2006 06:54 AM

It's their subtle way of telling you you're not drinking enough.

If you're blood-alcohol (or alcohol-blood as the case may be) ratio is high enough there's no way V-Man's masturbatory celebration will put the fire out.

Just sayin'...

Bullshitted by phin on June 5, 2006 08:06 AM

Fine women indeed!

Bullshitted by oddybobo on June 5, 2006 09:18 AM

When sweetthing asked I told her I didn't gaive a damn because I wasn't gonna be here to complain even if I did. So, she allowed that she was gonna have me stuffed and position me in front of this PC. She allows that is where I stay most of the time and she can just look in the office door and there I'll be and nothing will change except she won't have my retirement checks to spend.

Bullshitted by GUYK on June 5, 2006 11:52 AM

Admit it, Eric--- you want a VIKING funeral. It's glorious enough to float off on a flaming boat with all your favorite possessions with you, but the BEST thing is...

Velociman would have to SWIM a long way to piss on your corpse.

Bullshitted by Acidman on June 5, 2006 05:06 PM

Rob friggin' nailed it... I'd love to see Vman swimmin' to beat the band just do drop a drop...

Trust me, ... he'll send the mutant, or a monkey.

Manuel ain't his gig... Whizzin' trainin' is though...

Bullshitted by RedNeck on June 5, 2006 05:14 PM

Well, at least you wouldn't have to worry about any women lining up - bonfire and all. Wouldn't work... ;)

Bullshitted by Richmond on June 6, 2006 05:21 AM

I want a Viking funeral, but forget sending my possessions on the boat. I don't own enough stuff anymore to get a good fire going. I figure a good Irish wake will do the trick. Everyone should dance and sing and throw the last shot of booze over my body and send me off....

Bullshitted by Libby on June 6, 2006 07:30 AM

Well, I'll keep the embers burning by throwing a generous helping of some ancient scotch in your honor.

See, I don't drink, and damned if I'm going to urinate in public, so that's the least offensive thing I can do in your honor.

Bullshitted by Michele on June 7, 2006 02:23 PM

I like the Viking idea, however, I recently recalled my father saying he wanted to be cremated. So I asked him, could I put his ashes in a reactive target (ANFO) and let him go? Well he really did not appreciate the respect in that, go figure.

-lco

Bullshitted by Lance on June 10, 2006 02:36 AM