Wood...

.... there are some things that you encounter in life that you just can't make up.... and one fine example just happens to be in my front yard...

... see, last summer the guys who maintain my lawn decided to cut back an overgrown bush that was located between three trees.... a fine Poplar, a slowly fading away Sweet Gum, and a half-grown Dogwood... the idea being that if the bush was trimmed, then the trees would stand out more... ok, fine... I let them get to their task...

... but what they found when they finished was astonishing.... while two of the trees were perfectly normal, the Dogwood, well, had wood.... and it was a sight to see... behold, gentle readers... my very happy tree....

dogwood_small.JPG

... I know, I know... I have never mentioned this on the blog before... and it is a sensitive subject with the neighborhood committee, trust me.... but what would you guys do?... would you snip it off?... would you build a flowerbed of petunias around the trunk to accentuate it?... as for me, I just don't know... I'm completely torn...

... I mean, surely if God created that tree with his almighty powers, then it is good... right?... and who am I to find one of God's Creations perverse?... hell, I don't really find it perverse at all... I find it kinda awe inspiring.... and back in October, I pointed out Mr. Dogwood's daunting package to Redneck and Harvey and they were suitably impressed too.... so why should my neighbors be offended?.... (oh, and by the way, I dared not point it out to any of the womenfolk back in October lest they swoon.. I already had one guy laying out back puddling blood on my deck...)... but like I said, I'm swiftly approaching either a point of action or a decision to desist... but I'm torn... and deep down, part of me really enjoys having an extremely well-hung tree standing proudly out in plain view of my neighbors....

... sooooo... I plan to let you rubberneckers be my guide... my Magic Eight-ball of sorts... I'll let you ladies and gentlemen wield the Mighty Power of Judgment.... and use that power to pick the fate of the Dogwood's prick....

.... the question at hand?..... what should happen to Mr. Dogwood's massive erection?... should he be left to live his leafy life in happiness?.... should the offending appendage be whacked off unceremoniously with an axe (... no pun intended on the whacking-off part, people...)... or should a privacy fence of some sort be built around him to protect his manly bits from prying eyes... some kind of hedge, perhaps.....

... anyway, with all of this I throw myself - and the future of my lawn plants - upon your tender mercies..... and I await your guidance and sound wisdom... I have every faith in you guys... I really do....

by Eric on June 03, 2006 | Bullshit (21) | TrackBack (0) | Psycho Rants
Bullshit So Far

Don't remove the schwanz... it's a symbol of character, much like the poor bastard who was bleeding to death, and smiling the whole time...

Some things are just meant to be...

Bullshitted by That 1 Guy on June 3, 2006 05:10 PM

I say keep the appendage and hang a couple of hairy coconuts off it for an extra flourish...

Bullshitted by Lisa W. on June 3, 2006 05:27 PM

I say decorate it! Or at least hang a towel on it... :) You'll be the envy of men for miles around... Caretaker of the "permanent" woodie...

Bullshitted by Richmond on June 3, 2006 07:24 PM

Wow. It's so... big! heh heh heh!

Keep it. I think its cool. Very cool. And I think you should build a small pond under it... exactly where a stream of water would hit should it have been able to take a leak.

And that would be so very, 'un Straight White Guy-ish' to eliminate this appendage! You should be proud!!! ;-)

Bullshitted by Bou on June 3, 2006 08:23 PM

I can see it now...."Wednesday Wood."

Bullshitted by marcus on June 3, 2006 10:34 PM

My thought is to plant something like this http://www.iris-bulbeuses.org/jpg/Cagnard/adobe_rose.jpg directly beneath it, and see if you can create a new plant species. It would be shameful to see that lovely Dogwood "Nuetered".

Bullshitted by Johnny - Oh on June 3, 2006 10:51 PM

I know just what that tree is thinking.

"Nice Az...aleas!"

Bullshitted by Elisson on June 4, 2006 12:42 AM

I say leave it, and hang two versize bright red Christmas tree balls from it. Let it be proud.

Walrilla

Bullshitted by Walrilla on June 4, 2006 01:02 AM

I'm with Lisa and the coconuts... brilliant idea right there....

Bullshitted by oakleytexas on June 4, 2006 03:59 AM

Don't you dare clip that woodie! For all we know, the Goddess might have meant for it to be a fertility symbol. Cultures have used trees as Symbols of Fertility forever:
Fir Tree
The fir tree has been a symbol of fertility in many cultures, for its ability to last through long winters.
Hazel and Hazelnuts
Hazel was a traditional symbol of fertility and female wisdom to the Celtic cultures. Strings of hazelnut would be hung in rooms to bring fertility to the occupants.
Oak trees and acorns
Oak trees and acorns were thought by the Celtic culture to be powerful fertility symbols. Acorns gathered at night were the strongest bringers of fertility.
Pine Trees and Pinecones
Pine trees were incredibly powerful fertility symbols to the Celtic cultures. Everything from needles to pinecones and nuts were used to bring fertility.
Your dogwood might be the phallic symbol of the 21 century

Bullshitted by Junebugg on June 4, 2006 07:35 AM

Besides, you cut that thing off, and Harvey's likely to cry.

Could be a Navy thing, but he sure was enamored with it last fall...

Bullshitted by that 1 guy on June 4, 2006 08:18 AM

Well, even though it's giving my tree an inferiority complex, I think you should keep it. God clearly put it there for inspiration...

Bullshitted by Libby on June 4, 2006 09:20 AM

Keep it! And don't forget those resin 'faces' made for trees-- buy one with a BIG SMILE.

Bullshitted by Rave on June 4, 2006 09:23 AM

Hell man, get you a rope, and a tire. Make a swing out of it...

Bullshitted by RedNeck on June 5, 2006 06:48 AM

Then, you'd have Straight White Swingin' Wood.

Bullshitted by RedNeck on June 5, 2006 06:54 AM

Being the right wing capitalist that I am, I would build a fence around it and charge admission to see it. Call it a fertility tree or a dogwood with a whang or what ever but people will pay to see sumthin like this..I mean they pay good money to go see a Rapper why not a tree with a whang?

Bullshitted by GUYK on June 5, 2006 11:05 AM

Perv that I am, I clicked on it to make it bigga.

Bullshitted by LilToni on June 5, 2006 05:41 PM

There were three woodpeckers flying through the forest when one of them spotted a really attractive looking tree. So the three of them settled down and started pecking on it.

The first one said, "Ptui! This tastes like a real birch".

"Bleah!" said the second. "I'm pretty sure it's a beech. It's hell on the ol' pecker too."

"Are you guys nuts?!" said the third. "This is the best damn piece of ash I've ever poked my pecker into!"

I say keep it.

Bullshitted by Desert Cat on June 5, 2006 05:51 PM

Put a condom on it!

I'm sure you might get like an award from the homeowners association. Well or a warrent!

Bullshitted by TC on June 5, 2006 07:42 PM

Geee, and here I was waiting for a version of "If a tree's Woody falls in the woods and no one's there to hear it, did it fall?"

Bullshitted by Nancy on June 6, 2006 01:16 PM

You can't possibly consider ACTUALLY removing Mr. Dogwood's woodie can you? I mean, come on...he's been faithful to you...

In fact, I like the coconut idea. Hmm....

Bullshitted by Dana on June 7, 2006 10:17 AM