Checking Things Out.

Yes, Rubberneckers, it's true. Eric gave me the keys to the Tennessee Mansion and asked that I keep an eye on things while he is busy eating meat pies and tossing cabers about while wearing a fetching plaid skirt.

I thought I would take a wee look around his place - just to make sure everything is in order. I wouldn't think of snooping in Eric's abode - most definitely not. I'm not that kinda feller.

Let's start in the kitchen, shall we?

Hmmmmm, let's see what's in this cabinet here above the stove. HOLY CRAP!! I was just hit in the head with about three-dozen boxes of Kraft's Mac & Cheese. He seems partial to the ones that look like corkscrews. Next to the Mac & Cheese are about a half dozen containers of curry. I'm sure the crazy bastard, culinary swashbuckler that he thinks he is, must be eating curried Mac & Cheese. The man does eat some weird shit.

Memo to Self: Suggest to Eric that he may wish to consider the joy of having a colonoscopy.

I think I'll mosey over to the Straight White Bedroom.

Ooooh, look how cute. He's got his jimmies folded up real nice on his dresser. I think I'll unfold them to have a look. Awwww..... They're GI Joe Jammies, with the feet in them and a trap door in the rear. I cannot help but wonder if Mrs. Straight White Guy has the Scottish-Nurse-Tending-to-the-Wounded-Yanks Jammies. After all, there's not much to do in Possum Breath Tennessee on those cold winter nights. I'll just have to continue to wonder about that, because Mrs. Straight White Guys stuff is off limits.

Holy Cannoli! Eric forgot his Captain Video Sleep Breathing Contraption. Scotland will never be the same. I can hear it now:

"Angus, who the hell is playing the pipes? It sounds positively like shite!"

"Aye, Duncan, shite it is, but it ain't the pipes you're hearin'. That red-headed Yank is snorin' again. He snores even funnier than he talks. Would you believe it? The bloody fool sat down in the restaurant last night and ordered something called "REE-yubs".

What say we head into the garage?

I feel I should check on Helge, the Nordic Bitch. I know she has worked Eric over pretty good in the past, which had him posing in front of his bathroom mirror, obviously going for the Iggy Pop look.

Yep, just as I figured. Looks like Helge has been serving as a hat rack for quite some time. I guess Ol' Iggy's got nothing to worry about.

I've finally mustered up enough courage to take a peek into the Straight White Bathroom.

I admit to being quite uneasy about peeking into Eric's bathroom, not only because it is one of the last bastions of privacy we all have, but also because it is the final stop for all that curried Mac & Cheese. But I'll take one for the team to provide a full service to you rubberneckers.

Ah, I see his razor there by the sink. How very cute. It's a Playskool Shave-Like-the-Big-Boys Razor. I wonder if he has decided to spend the next three weeks growing a beard, or whether he simply forgot his razor and bubble gum flavored shave cream. Either way, when he returns, he can shave off three weeks' growth with a wet towel.

Well, everything seems to be in order around here. I will be popping in from time to time this week to make sure the timers on the lights are working and to share a word or two with you rubberneckers.