Sweetgums...

... the half-acre of back yard that I have is dotted with trees... tall, slim pin oaks, tulip poplars, maples, sweetgums, and short, squat dogwoods.... the poplars are budding now and their tulip-like blooms give off a purplish tint against the sky... the dogwood's white flowers are everywhere... the maples are coming on too, but their leaves are being born burgundy this year... the whole collection creates a kind of strata as you tilt your head upwards... white, green, then a deep reddish hue... and then purple... what a great time of year..

... the guys came around and mowed my lawn yesterday while I tended some phone calls... they were working as a team as I watched out of the kitchen window... one man riding the lawn tractor and the other wandering from tree to tree and shrub to shrub with a weed-eater doing his thing... all was going as planned until the man on the mower plowed by the stand of sweetgums... now, for those of you who are unfamiliar with sweetgum seedpods, let me try to describe them... they are brown, hard, and the size of a golfball... and on top of that, they are covered in spines... as if, by some evolutionary mistake, a porcupine could lay eggs... and if a porcupine COULD lay eggs, they'd look just like sweetgum seedpods...

... anyway, the blades of the mower caught the seedpods and launched them at an incredible speed... like a scene from David and Goliath... it was amazing... the poor guy with the weed-eater got pelted by a spray of sweetgum seedpods that could have put off a charging rhino.. a full spread, people.... probably fifty pods in the air at the same time... there was no escape and the guy just weathered the storm... it sounded not unlike a .30cal Browning firing off half a belt.. heh... and the next time the guy with the mower came around, weed-eater man hid behind a maple tree...

... in retrospect, I guess I should have raked them up before they arrived... but then again, where would have been the fun in that?... besides, I'm paying those fellows good money...

by Eric on April 10, 2006 | Bullshit (6) | TrackBack (0) | SWG Stories
Bullshit So Far

I've been wondering what those things are. The grandtyke loves them.

Bullshitted by Libby on April 10, 2006 10:22 AM

My wife swears by those sweetgums. Er, I mean "at." One of those prepositiony things.

We've got a couple in the backyard that drop their pods all over our deck, and a couple in the front that drop them on the driveway.

We're going to have them cut down one of these times. Or maybe we'll just have them pulled up and shipped to you, Eric, so your lawn guys can really risk their hides.

Bullshitted by McGehee on April 10, 2006 10:39 AM

BAHAHAHAHAHA I would have paid to have been the guy on the mower and my next door "rappin' neighbor doing the weedeater bit. One in a while I get a chance to do it by running over some big pine cones but the sweetgum 'porky pine' things would be better ammo.

Bullshitted by GUYK on April 10, 2006 12:47 PM

SWG,
Those sweetgum pods are no fun to step on when you're barefoot either.

Here's to outsourced lawn care. I can't seem to find me a sucker to do it for me out here in Hooterville.

Bullshitted by Jerry on April 10, 2006 03:10 PM

still straight, still white, still a guy.

yep still the same, nothing changed since i have been gone i guess.

well, im back squirrel lover. :)

Bullshitted by k on April 11, 2006 12:33 AM

Youch!!!!! That had to leave a mark....

Bullshitted by Evilicious on April 11, 2006 09:09 AM