Envy...

... I stopped in front of the living room window this morning, with coffee in hand, and surveyed the spring morning... and as I viewed my domain, it suddenly hit me.... damn, I do so hate my neighbors...

... well, perhaps hate' is too coarse.... maybe despise' is better... after all, the great poets and philosophers have said through the ages that the seeds of a passionate hatred are often planted by envy or greed.. so I suppose I shouldn't really be surprised by the coffee-coated angst I felt this morning...

.. not that they are bad people, no... not at all... they are fine people... upstanding, quiet, courteous, friendly... and the Mother of the House is quite fetching as she tends her flowers occasionally... so some of you may wonder why I harbor such malice with them while gazing towards their idyllic familial home this morning...

... in short, well, they have my topsoil... all of it....

... lookit.. Hell's Half Acre is positioned on a gentle slope at the very back of a small subdivision... my lawn is bordered on three sides by woodland... and my front yard meanders gently down towards the road... falling fifteen feet in the 150 or so it takes to reach the mailbox.. the powers that be cleared all of the lots five years ago ala' bulldozer... low spots were filled... high spots were knocked down...

... this resulted in my beloved grass being forced to eek out a living on raw, hard, red clay ceramic.. front and back....

... my neighbor?... his grass looks like someone hand-painted each blade with the Brush of Health and Vitality... his lawn practically vibrates with youthful exuberance.. mine is brown....

... he dropped by the other day while I was slinging horse shit across my barren landscape... and he had the nerve to tell me that his contractors had an awful' time digging his home's foundation... it seems that the topsoil was almost three feet deep!..

... bastard... I hope his septic tank backs up when the rains hit....

by Eric on March 31, 2006 | Bullshit (16) | TrackBack (0) | Psycho Rants
Bullshit So Far

Ya gotta hate -- er, I mean despise -- people like that. And the women who complain because all their expensive jewelry gives them backaches because it's so heavy (24K gold).

And the thin people who complain because they just can't seem to put on an ounce, no matter how hard they try.

And then there's the people who complain because the traffic numbers on their blogs are through the roof.

Bullshitted by McGehee on March 31, 2006 08:43 AM

"Slinging horse shit". See, there is a big difference between you and me, my friend. My lawn would be gone, toast, history and I'd resort to Zero Scape before I slung horse poop to make my grass green. Ahhh, but alas, I live in S. FL, so short of the sun burning it up, even house plants turn into gargantuan plant freaks of nature down here, even for those of us with a black thumb. Then again, maybe we just don't have to sling horse poop as our politicians sling enough of it to keep all our lawns green...

Bullshitted by Bou on March 31, 2006 08:47 AM

We have a similar problem, it is the bermuda grass......it waits to green until it 90 degreess.....does not green up early like Kentucky blue grass....

is this your problem

Bullshitted by armywifetoddlermom on March 31, 2006 09:14 AM

.. I need to hire a gardener... or have some voodoo priestess work some magic or something.. my grass sucks..

Bullshitted by Eric on March 31, 2006 09:22 AM

.. I need to hire a gardener...

You aren't gonna start blogging about Manuel your new cabana boy are ya?

Don't do it man...

Bullshitted by phin on March 31, 2006 10:24 AM

... I was thinking more along the lines of a Consuela, Phin...

Bullshitted by Eric on March 31, 2006 11:05 AM

You mean grass is supposed to be green? Well shit.....

I've been on hubby's ass to get to fertilizing our lawn, which is absolutely beautiful for about 2 months out of the Spring/Summer seasons. After that, for some odd reason, I start getting these brown patches here and there, especially in the backyard. Pisses me right off.

Bullshitted by Maevyn on March 31, 2006 11:23 AM

Oh my, after seeing my son's new home in Georgia, I can relate. 4 feet of hard packed sand, and a huge storm drain at the back of his yard. When asked for suggestions, the best I could come up with was sod, lots of it, and maybe disguise that huge ass pipe as a water feature.

Bullshitted by Raging Mom on March 31, 2006 11:37 AM

You shouldn't hurl septic tank curses at your neighbors. That's just MEAN!

Bullshitted by Acidman on March 31, 2006 11:55 AM

maybe that is the problem, I need a gardner....

I bet people would read my blog, if I had a gardner....

Bullshitted by armywifetoddlermom on March 31, 2006 12:36 PM

Hell, I are a gardner, well, I got a gardner hat and I have to wear it every now and then. When I'm not wearin' baseball coach hat, or dad hat, or husband hat, I can make grass grow real good. Then, I have to hand the lawn mowin' hat to the boy and tell him if he wants any caish for the weekend he better get to steppin'...

Bullshitted by RedNeck on March 31, 2006 01:10 PM

You got one of the worst cases of topsoil envy that I've ever come across. Course your case is the first one. Every Spring I invite some local politicians over to our lawn to explain to me why I should vote for them.Result: they spread the horse shit not me

Bullshitted by DanToom on March 31, 2006 01:21 PM

You don't need to hire no gardner... ain't Wang still down in your neck of the woods?

Bullshitted by That 1 Guy on March 31, 2006 04:03 PM

now thats one hell of a pitch on your place. Gotdam, a man would have to have one leg about six inches than the other just to walk across it without falling down.

Did you ever consider building some terraces? A six yard dump full of clay based topsoil and a couple of Mexican back hoes and a wheel barrow will put them in in a couple of days. Might hold the water back and maybe get some soil and grass seed to take.

But one thing about it-your neighbor ain't goona have to worry about the smell of a septic tank--that horse shit will just wash right on down to him along with whats left of your soil.

Bullshitted by GUYK on March 31, 2006 04:22 PM

Now be nice. You *should* be cursing the bulldozer guy...

Bullshitted by Richmond on March 31, 2006 05:53 PM

Eric... I'm over the mountains from your piece of heaven..local golf course maintenance guy told me they use Zoya grass and lots of fertilized gypsum. It's dense and doesn't wash away.

Bullshitted by vicki on April 1, 2006 11:05 AM