... while joyously relieving myself this morning, I thumbed through the January edition of Smithsonian and happened upon a very entertaining article on the Troubled Hippos of Zimbabwe.... now, while the text of the thing was quite enjoyable and fact-filled, I could not help but be drawn to the photographs of said Troubled Hippos....

.. lookit... I'm just as sensitive to the dire plight of wild beasts as the next guy, and I feel for them... I really do... but those pictures just wigged me out....

.. have you ever seen a close-up of a hippo's face?... great bloody hell... the intricacies and intermingling of horrors expressed on their grimaces is almost overwhelming... pores clogged and bulging with swamp-water puss... hair follicles smudged with pieces of the last crocodile lunch... shades of brown, pink, green, and deathly blue run down their pock-marked necks... tiny carbuncled ears that flick incessantly.. cold beady eyes... gaping nostrils jutting out from their purplish hide as if a corpse left in the sun too long had cracked open to reveal the red, working innards... sharp, misshapen, fang-like teeth... wiry whiskers stubbling out from their fatboy jaw-line.... Jesus, what an evolutionary train wreck...

.. sure, the article was ok... but the pictures were horrible... I mean, just imagine their life for a moment.. swimming around in a cesspool by day and roaming the savannah during moonless African nights...

... all that and they have a poaching problem too.... It's a sad state of affairs...

... and while I know it is a bad, bad thing to say.. one could almost imagine a conscientious poacher as a kind of mercy killer... hippos, God love'em... they are some seriously ugly varmints...

by Eric on February 17, 2006 | Bullshit (11) | TrackBack (1) | Psycho Rants
ยป Blog d'Elisson links with: WILD KINGDOM
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who else but you Eric could make me drink morning coffee and read about the plight of the hippo at such an early hour. Hey the next time, you do your morning "review", could you do it on "your real bathroom reading"..

Smithsonian, for Gods sake man.

Bullshitted by armywifetoddlermom on February 17, 2006 09:28 AM

For a minute there I thought you were describing Helen Thomas.

Bullshitted by Jim - PRS on February 17, 2006 10:39 AM

Grateful for small things, I pause to give thanks that you were not looking at a picture of me while in that writing mode!
Geeeeeeeeeeesh, Man!

Bullshitted by Indigoi on February 17, 2006 10:39 AM

Hippo poaching? A problem?

Not if you get a big enough vat of boiling water. It has to be big enough to allow plenty of room on all sides of the hippo.

You can't make Hippos Benedict without a couple of poached hippos...and plenty of Hollandaise.

Bullshitted by Elisson on February 17, 2006 12:58 PM

... nice one, Elisson... I hadn't thought of that...

Bullshitted by Eric on February 17, 2006 01:13 PM

y'know, i always thought they were kinda cute till Jim compared them to Helen Thomas.


Bullshitted by tommy on February 17, 2006 05:13 PM

Ooooooh. Poor hippos...

Bullshitted by Richmond on February 17, 2006 08:30 PM

That wasn't Helen Thomas. That was ME in Helen, Georgia.

Bullshitted by Acidman on February 17, 2006 11:20 PM

"jesus, what an evolutionary train wreck..." hilarious! but i don't know, LOTS of creatures close up are like that, dontcha think? i like hippos, think they're cute (from far away) ... i have seen them in one of those underground tanks like they have for polar bears ... they run quite gracefully along the bottom of the pool. believe it or not!

Bullshitted by justrose on February 18, 2006 07:21 AM

Come on, Eric. You might as well 'fess up about that safari trip where you got hammered and woke up in the morning next to Henrietta Hippo. S'okay, dude...it happens to the best of us.

Bullshitted by zonker on February 18, 2006 07:33 AM

Oh, that Ellison is funny! Poached hippos! LOL.
But what's also funny is your description of "joyously relieving" yourself.

Bullshitted by Beth Donovan on February 18, 2006 07:06 PM