Bart...

... whilst dining at the local Applebee's this afternoon, I happened to see a guy I went to grammar school with... back then, he was a mighty force of corn-fed malevolence... well, at least from the perspective of a 12-year old...

... I remembered him brawny and with tousled hair... a monster who loomed large over water fountains and playgrounds... a type of menace that Epics are written about...

... well, today he sat quietly across the aisle from me sipping iced tea with his Wife while I cradled a Sam Adams longneck... oblivious to my presence.. unaware of my identity...

... when he first walked in, I thought I recognized him... and after a few minutes, I finally placed him in my mind... I leaned forward over the giant plate of nachos, and whispered to my Partner...

.. "see little guy over there?.. I went to school with him... he was a mortal terror back then.."...

.. "really?.. he looks pretty harmless to me.."...

... "Black Bart... that's what we called him... remember that black spot on the meaty section of my left shoulder?... that was him... that's the remnants of the sharpened tip of a No. 2 lead pencil..."...

... "What?... he stabbed you with a pencil?... Jesus Christ, Eric.. Americans are so violent..." ...

... distracted by the sudden remembrance and unaccustomed to coming face to face with old schoolmates, I failed to answer her slanderous Euro-view.. instead, I continued...

.. "8th Grade geometry class... the bastard sat right in front of me.. he'd hit his growth-spurt about two years before everyone else, and he was huge.."..

.. "You should go over and talk to him... introduce yourself... bury the hatchet, so to speak..." ..

... "no need, babe... no need... buried the hatchet with him a long, long time ago... " ...

... "good.. that's good... it's never good to keep wounds like that open... " ..

... "yeah... I caught him at a campfire party the next year when we were freshmen in high school.. beat the living hell out of him with a split piece of a 2X4 they'd been using for firewood... he was a lot bigger than me, but that 2X4 worked like a charm..." ..

... "good grief, Eric, I give up.. " ..

... "hey, what goes around comes around... especially around here.." ..

by Eric on December 16, 2005 | Bullshit (11) | TrackBack (1) | SWG Stories
ยป Boudicca's Voice links with: The Metamorphosis
Bullshit So Far

I bear a No. 2 pencil black spot south of my index finger on my right hand, the result over a dispute in fourth grade. Never got around to hitting the guy with a 2X4, though. I probably should have.

Bullshitted by Jim - PRS on December 16, 2005 05:56 PM

No pencil marks for me... but I'm a little freaked about the 2x4. And not because you smacked him. You're right, it was your gift to him... he earned it.

No, I'm freaked because just the other night I went off at Fritz's, and said that I wanted to beat someone with a 2x4... first blow would be to the teeth.

No, it wasn't a local. It was Tom Cruise, big goof-ass grin filling the screen on the tellie.

2x4 must be the weapon of the week.

Bullshitted by That 1 Guy on December 16, 2005 06:20 PM

Help me Chief, these crazy ass women want to stick sex toys up my ass. I am a big man, about 6 foot 4 and weigh 246 pounds, but 6 women would be a good fight for me. I was just like your classmate,I was a big man and mean as motherfucker, now I am very calm and sometimes gentle, help me, Cat

Bullshitted by Catfish on December 16, 2005 06:20 PM

I had a similar situation, except it wasn't a campfire party and a 2X4.. it was cast party and a length of pipe.

Bullshitted by Contagion on December 16, 2005 06:23 PM

... damn, Catfish, you certainly have a problem... I'd love to say "I've got your back", but I am afraid you'd take it the wrong way..

... but still, there are some fights that you should just plain run from... and, bro, this sounds like one of them...

Bullshitted by Eric on December 16, 2005 06:48 PM

This sounds like it should be part that movie, 'A Christmas Story'. Did you get a Red Rider BB gun that year from Christmas too??

Black Bart. LOL! Makes me wonder what some of these terrors my kids go to school with will turn out to be like.

Bullshitted by Bou on December 16, 2005 07:37 PM

Wow. What goes around comes around for sure! Nothing like having access to a 2x4 when the time comes, though... ;) Gotta love that kind of Karma.

Bullshitted by Richmond on December 16, 2005 09:31 PM

the dialogue...written perfectly, I could her your dinner partner...exactly as she sounds...

oh, I do think you should have said hi...hatchett buried and all. I too never forget a face...

Bullshitted by armywifetoddlermom on December 17, 2005 10:23 AM

"a mighty force of corn-fed malevolence..."

It's little gems like this that keep me coming back. Heh.

Bullshitted by Elisson on December 18, 2005 11:16 PM

Hmmm my trackback isn't working for some reason...


Don't let the womenfolk deride it, childhood payback is a fine tradition.

Bullshitted by Graumagus on December 19, 2005 12:18 AM

did you advise him that you were talking softly and carrying a big stick from now on? Equalizers can make the difference

Bullshitted by GUYK on December 19, 2005 08:24 PM