holy bejus!

You may THINK you know somebody from their blog and they may manage to fool you when you meet them in person, but sometimes, deep, dark secrets remain hidden. I am shocked, appalled and stunned by what I found in Eric's house when I crawled in through the window walked through the front door.

I never knew that he was a collector of black velvet Elvis paintings, but he's got them hanging all over the place. That shit is bad enough, but what's he doing with THREE Michael Jackson posters in his bedroom? One of them is life-sized and has some suspicious-looking fingerprints all over the crotchital region. That's disgusting.

But even THAT isn't as disgusting as that blow-up doll in the rec room. That thing seems to have had something resembling Elmer's Glue-All spread in obscene places. I wouldn't touch that thing with a pair of surgical gloves. Now I realize what REALLY goes on during those Wednesday night get-togethers with his perverted friends.

Whoa-ho! The liquor cabinet isn't bad. He's got some good shit in here. I think I'll try some of THIS and some of THIS and some of THIS and....THUMP! zzzzzzzz.

Damn! This carpet smells like cat-piss. It served well for the power-nap I needed after raiding his liquor cabinet, but now I smell like pussy cat, and I don't like cats. I need to take a shower. I'm going to crawl off to the bathroom.

But hey! What's this? It looks like a pistol. I wonder if it's... KA-BLAM!!! Okay, it was loaded. Man, I'm sorry about the television. I kinda shot it by accident. I'm usually very careful with guns and all I was doing was... KA-BLAM!!!

Oh, shit. I did it again, but this time I spared the TV and took out the stereo. I thought I had this thing on safety... KA-BLAM!!! Oh, no. That one hit a velvet Elvis right in the crotch. Eric is gonna be pissed when he sees this. I need to put this gun down and leave it... KA-BLAM!!! Got-DAM! That thing has a hair-trigger on it.

I must have hit a water pipe that time, because there's a bad leak spraying out of the wall. No problem. I can fix it. I'll just knock a bigger hole in the wall and wrap the pipe with duct tape. Eric will never notice. I'll just move one of his Michael Jackson posters over to cover the hole.

I kinda got my shower fixing that leak in the pipe. It's still drizzling some, but it's not REALLY bad. I'll fix it right just as soon as a pay another visit to his liquor cabinet.

Damn! This guest-blogging is turning into more work than I expected.

by Acidman on March 28, 2005 | Bullshit (13)
Bullshit So Far

Let the parties begin...

Bullshitted by Christina on March 28, 2005 12:39 PM

Heh heh. Kinda fun, ain't it? Watch out for the falling medieval swords...I almost got nailed by a few last fall. Enjoy!

Bullshitted by sadie on March 28, 2005 12:53 PM

Put the Elvis poster you shot through the crotch over the water leak. That way it'll look like the King is taking a whiz right there in Eric's living room.

Trust me, he'll love it.

Bullshitted by John Stephens on March 28, 2005 12:56 PM

Goddamn! I should of known better than to try and read this post while in the class room.
*wiping tears of laughter from my eyes*

Bullshitted by Maeve on March 28, 2005 01:30 PM

Handing your blog keys to Acidman is a little like handing the keys to a steamroller to a toddler...in a street full of puppies.

Hilarity (goosh) ensues!

Bullshitted by Elisson on March 28, 2005 01:41 PM

"Man, I'm sorry about the television. I kinda shot it by accident."

Don't worry about it, I saw the whole thing. That TV was reaching for a piece.

Self-defense, man.

Bullshitted by Harvey on March 28, 2005 02:17 PM

This could be a six-degrees of Eric thing. Didn't Michael Jackson marry Elvis's little girl? Tell me to shush now...it only gets worse.

Bullshitted by sadie on March 28, 2005 03:44 PM

I'm sure you'll be more than willing to reveal to us all the dirty little secrets you find :)

Bullshitted by Sheilah on March 28, 2005 06:45 PM


Bullshitted by vw bug on March 28, 2005 06:49 PM

Bullshit on Bullshit! Here's what I did today. First, I got out of bed, floated the ducks, and checked the news and email. Duck floating? I have six ducks in the downstairs bathtub. They like to float first thing in the morning so I float them. Used to get ducks for my daughters entertainment. Now I get them every spring just because. The redhead likes them and my daughter does come by and remember the way things were.
After coffee and some flailing around the redhead wanted to lay out in the sun at the lakehouse so I drove her out and foot-walked down to swap cards and re-corn the digital game cam. According to the time-stamp on the images a big long-faced doe was there as I came off the indian village through the wild plum. I tossed a little yellow corn, read some sign, re-set the camera and then made loops in the thick bottom brush looking for shed antlers. The cam showed three bucks with newly dropped antler sockets last week so they have to be here somewhere. Another week of spring and it will all be poison ivy, green briar, and sweetgum saplings. I've never found a shed antler in Smith County, Texas, but its like looking for an arrowhead. If you look you might find one. If you DON'T you certainly won't. Instead, I found the coytoe-chewed, pelvis-to-last-vertabrae backbone of a deer I shot at and thought I missed last November laid out on the pine needles on the edge of a tall grass field. The bones were still articulated and had been in place for a couple of months, but walking circles just turned up the front leg bones and one scapula. Somewhere there is a skull with some horns I'd like to see. I KNEW I hit that deer. Not like I could miss. I was shooting handloads in a zeroed rifle at about 300 yards off a toyota 4-Runner. I'm an NRA High Master classified shooter and the trigger broke perfectly. No blood trail. I followed his does until they went out of the property. He evidently doubled back and went down in this grassy field 100 yards from where I shot him, just over the hillcrest.
You would think I could have seen the buzzards.
No bullet hole in the scapula. I held the crosshairs behind his shoulder and allowed for the little bit of mirage floating left to right. Or maybe it was along the chewed edge. When he didn't react, I thought I had hit a grasshopper. Now here he is. Some of him, at least.
And here am I as well.

Bullshitted by robert on March 28, 2005 07:29 PM

Robert..... exactly what the fuck were you talking about?

Bullshitted by Acidman on March 28, 2005 09:28 PM

Robert: I see you have grasped the Absolute. Just don't fucking hit it with one of those rough edges.

Bullshitted by robert on March 29, 2005 09:50 AM

robert, you are part of the reason regular people keep loaded pistols close at hand. Visit me after dark bobbie,,,fuckin' nut!

Bullshitted by Murry on March 30, 2005 03:40 AM