Battered...

.. once upon a time, I writ about my Wife's first reaction to seeing a genuine Tennessee opossum up close and personal... it scared the HELL out of her... today though, it seems she has bloomed....

... this morning, I was told a tale of true weirdness bravery... you see, a battle took place last night around midnight... I, saintly, of course, was well into my bed and missed the action.. so, what you are about to here are the words of the only eye-witness.... the story of a drunken Scottish lass conquering a mighty possum...

.. evidently, the poor beast entered our garage and scared the cats onto the pool table.... from that vantage, they proceeded to watch the errant possum scarf their dinner, defecate in their "comfort noodles", and hump their play toys... when the Wife heard a scratching on the door (as the cats are wont to do), she assumed her darlings wanted some luvin.... so, she flicked on the light and cooed in her Scottish lilt... she got nothing.... just more scratching...

... upon opening the door, a fat, dirty, and totally shocked possum sat licking it's balls.. and then, it casually looked up...

... what happened next is the killer.... normally, the Wife would have freaked out, screamed, and slammed the door... this was not the case last night.. last night, she kicked the bastard... the possum roused itself from the nut licking, and ambled off the stairs (possums can't move that quick, and a loping stagger is about the best they can muster).. anyway, it ducked underneath the stairs and refused to budge... the Wife, feeling her oats on a fine Merlot, began by yelling.... which escalated into assaulting the poor varmint with "Orange Clean".. yes, she squirted that shit into the poor, hissing beast's eyes... then, onto more violent outbursts... poking, jabbing, and whacking the vile creature with then end of a broom.. when this didn't work, her addled mind came up with a cunning plan... she'd freeze the guy out... dashing to the refrigerator, she reappeared with a large tray of ice... which she threw at the possum.. (yeah, I thought that bit was extraordinarily strange too)... so, there you have the scene.. a possum.. drooling, hissing, and blinded by a household cleaner.. punched, prodded, and thumped by a broom handle... and then covered in ice cubes...

... good God, children... my house is one strange, strange place...

.. eventually, she was victorious.. once the possum's eyes quit watering and it could see again, it left of its own accord.. I doubt it will come back.. however, I do see in this story a portent of things to come... I have seen the dark side, rubberneckers... I just hope that Orange Clean doesn't burn as much as I imagine...

by Eric on March 06, 2005 | Bullshit (18) | Drinking
ยป Gut Rumbles links with: i'd have shot the bastard
Bullshit So Far

I hate possums they look like a cross between cat and a rat. It is funny to see one trying like heck to get out of a bathtub. Watch out for cat/dog doors they can figure out how to use one. Odd thing, is if capture the damn things and drive several miles away in a couple weeks they return. Yorba Linda, California can have problems with possiums, racoons and even coyotes roming the streets especailly when the moon is bright.
Yes when a racoon finds it way through a cat/dog door it will wash the cat food in the cat water dish.
It isn't any fun, to fall asleep on a sofa then be awoken by rustling plastic, look over and see a possium. I screamed one early morning it screamed and other people of the house woke to the craziness.
sorry thats it.

Bullshitted by shelli on March 6, 2005 10:02 AM

Billy Mays ain't got nothing on the Straight White Wife. By the way, didn't I tell you she was a Scottish Terrorist? Just Damn!

Bullshitted by Dax Montana on March 6, 2005 10:26 AM

Damn it. Ya shoulda posted a 'spew' warning. Ya know, people ARE tryin to drink coffee this morning. It's just a damn good thing it missed the keyboard. This time. heh

Bullshitted by Pammy on March 6, 2005 10:35 AM

That's frickin' hysterical. I just never thought about people never having seen a possum. I live out in the sticks, they're all over the place.

I have to say she gets big big points for ingenuity. She knew what she had on hand. The ice cubes were a riot.

Bullshitted by Boudicca on March 6, 2005 10:45 AM

That's hysterical...

Bullshitted by zonker on March 6, 2005 10:53 AM

Are you SURE you weren't dreaming this all up whilst in your comfy bed?

If not, just make sure you don't piss off yon lassie. I hear Lorena Bobbit started out with possums, too.

Bullshitted by TNT on March 6, 2005 11:04 AM

Maybe the brave lassie could come down and help with my pesky possum problem. He's slow, but fast enough to vanish by the time I fetch my pistole.

Bullshitted by Velociman on March 6, 2005 12:41 PM

I just got rid of one under my trailer. It was a quite kind of neighbor, but it drove my dogs insane. My flipping dogs ripped up my carpet in 5 places before I finaly trapped it. It was a smart one. I trapped 5 stray cats before I got it.

Bullshitted by Dorothy on March 6, 2005 01:49 PM

Well Damn.....I shoulda called HER when I needed help with that snake in my garage.

Man, I'm so ashamed. That's one brave lady - to face her fear like that......me, I'm still chicken shit! ;-)

Bullshitted by Tammi on March 6, 2005 04:32 PM

Your wife is awesome. I'd be chuckin all kinds of things at that sucker!

Bullshitted by PrncessCat on March 6, 2005 06:13 PM

I think what she performed is commonly called an Icelandic Baptism. That possum doesn't know how lucky he is.

Bullshitted by Dash on March 6, 2005 08:11 PM

That is soooo freaking hilarious! Your wife rocks! :) And yes, you better be careful....now that she's picked up the Orange Clean in anger once...I'm sure she won't hesitate to do it again! :)

Bullshitted by Sheilah on March 6, 2005 10:34 PM

Dude, don't EVER piss your wife off! LOL
Poor possum!

Bullshitted by Maeve on March 7, 2005 01:12 AM

I guess chemical warfare is aok when opposums are the enemy. If I were you, I'd be glad there wasn't a blow torch layin' around somewhere's close. You'd have probablly had opposum on the barbie and not even known it.

Bullshitted by RedNeck on March 7, 2005 05:15 PM

I'd ask her to come help out with my skunk problem, but I doubt she would fare as well against the blight of my back yard.

Bullshitted by Evilwhiteguy on March 8, 2005 04:06 PM

LOL!!!

Bullshitted by vw bug on March 9, 2005 06:39 AM

Man, that was classic. And yes, a *spew* warning woulda been handy... where is that keyboard cleaner..
Loved the ice cube bit, made me laugh, which is a big deal at work at 7 in the morning, thank you.

Bullshitted by amanda on March 9, 2005 03:11 PM

our possium loves us he is beginning to be a family pet, we have took him miles awayfrom home and here he is again. just love them and feed them.

Bullshitted by tammie on October 16, 2005 11:39 AM