Squirrel Sex...

... I was just sitting here... minding my own business.. enjoying the Friday evening... reading a few blogs.... and, the damnedest thing just happened... I noticed a commotion out of the corner of my eye, and two squirrels were having sex halfway up the dogwood tree.. just outside the window of my blogroom.... it wasn't pretty, people... I am shellshocked just from the sight of it... hell, I've never witnessed tree-rat love before... dayum, it was rough....

... as a matter of fact, I just charged my drink again.. after that episode, I NEED a drink... still, I feel compelled to share this experience with you... after all, the viewing of squirrel coupling is probably something that you have never witnessed before... hell, I wish I hadn't seen it...

... anyway, I don't know any other way of putting this.. so, I must be blunt.... squirrels fuck like rapists... the male rushes in, biting and scratching with his bushy tail slicing through the air... he ambushes the female.. pumps furiously for 15 seconds while she is spinning around like a bad Exorcist rerun.. and then, he bails... leaving her dazed and confused.. wobbling across a dogwood limb rubbing her ass against the bark in a vain attempt to scrub out his load.... sick shit, children... sick shit... and all witnessed from this very blogchair...

... the absolutely insane thing is, I used to hunt and EAT squirrels... after tonight, those days are gone... no more shall I ever do that... verily... I wouldn't eat one of those raping bastards if I was starving... I've seen cattle screw a million times, and I like their style.... stroll up to the herd.. pick out a female.. sniff.. lick... mount her up, and pump away.... I'll tell you something, you can learn a lot about a beast by the way it has sex...

by Eric on August 20, 2004 | Bullshit (16) | Psycho Rants
» Gut Rumbles links with: animal sex
» Boudicca's Voice links with: The PERFECT Gift!!
Bullshit So Far

That's such an entertaining read I'm going to pass it along to a bunch of friends. *grin*

Bullshitted by Donna on August 20, 2004 07:36 PM

You dirty old man.

Bullshitted by Acidman on August 20, 2004 10:15 PM

Sorta gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "Squirrelly" don't it? Or stuffing ones nuts for the upcoming winter even.

Bullshitted by Guy S. on August 20, 2004 10:18 PM


(brevity, soul of wit, etc.)

Bullshitted by Patrick Carroll on August 20, 2004 11:04 PM

i think you should wait and see more squirrels getting it on before you make up your mind, make it your mission, become a squirrel mating watcher, because what if this one squirrel was a rapist and the others arent?

dont let one bad squirrel spoil the whole damn bunch

Bullshitted by k on August 20, 2004 11:16 PM

Them I guess you've never seen a female chipmunk with her cheeks stuffed with nuts....

Bullshitted by BlogDog on August 21, 2004 01:49 AM

Ok Eric, this is some fine prose, and good Mutual of Omaha stuff, but your challenge is a bit unsettling: "You can learn a lot about a beast by the way it has sex"? I like salmon, and we all know what they do; and I like beef, and I guess now we all know what THEY do; and I like oysters, and who knows what they do. But I also like chickens and ducks and pigs and squid, and frankly I may not want to know what all of them do. I'm really not too enthralled with what I do, to be perfectly honest. But that's a story for another day.

Bullshitted by John Climacus on August 21, 2004 03:01 AM

When I read the act occured on a Dogwood tree my first thought was "is this the squirrel version of doggy style?" I know, lame but hey you made me laugh and that deserves a big thank you!!!

My boys used to hunt squirrel. I refused to cook it. It's the only game they brought home that I made them take to their mothers if they wanted to eat it. Nope, not gonna do it!

Bullshitted by Tammi on August 21, 2004 07:57 AM

How would you know what a rapist fucks like?

Bullshitted by Bad Commie on August 21, 2004 08:45 AM

"How would you know what a rapist fucks like?"

Hell, Commie, everybody in America has Lifetime channel. You can watch a rapist in action about 20 times a day on that shit site.

Bullshitted by Velociman on August 21, 2004 11:36 AM

very true, and then you can watch as his victim finds and kills him...

keep looking out that window and let us know if little girl squirrel starts hanging around with a gun...

Bullshitted by k on August 21, 2004 05:16 PM

Little Girl Squirrel is going to spray Raid in his eyes and fence him into the fireplace. Then she's going to tie him to the bed and set it on fire.

Bullshitted by Velociman on August 22, 2004 09:37 PM

I dunno man........... I'm still gonna hunt the rats.......didn't buy this 20 gauge to hunt deer with...... got the 'ol 30-06 for that.
Besides they make that cool "whawwwwp" sound when they hit water after you've blown off of a tree limb out in a cypress swamp.
But since you won't needing any of your smaller shot guns or .22's I gladly tke off your hands :)

Bullshitted by Praxeus on August 23, 2004 01:32 PM


I had to go looking after that post. I had to.

Bullshitted by Cythen on August 26, 2004 03:03 AM

I can't believe I didn't see this the first time. (T1G just linked to it from his blog) I am laughing hysterically and have to send this link to my Dad. He frickin' hates squirrels. I just did a humongaloid post a couple weeks back on his fight with squirrels. OMG. That was hysterical!

Bullshitted by Boudicca on October 14, 2004 12:10 PM

That is freaking hilarious!! So, are you normally an animal voyeur? I'm wondering what you do that you've seen cattle "screw a million times"? Must be an interesting job...

Bullshitted by Julie on June 16, 2005 02:08 PM