Whipped...

... my lawn is the bane of my existence... I hate her... and, I hate the things she makes me do.... since the very beginning, our relationship has borne nothing except animosity... lately, I have been paying professionals to mow her.. trim her up... keep her green... and, basically make her leave me the hell alone...

... as a rule, I stay out of her way... and, she stays out of mine... a problem does exist, though... and, it was handled today... The Back Lawn... see, the professionals I hire will not touch it with a 10ft. pole..... they are too afraid of the tiniest sight of Poison Ivy, so they refuse.... which means it is left to me...well, I'm here to tell you that the task has been completed, children... The Back Lawn has been beaten into submission... she didn't like it, but... I didn't give her much choice.... one large Pine Snake... two tortoises... 1/2 acre of Poison Ivy... and, 3 colonies of Fire Ants... they were in the Army of Darkness for this Backyard Armageddon... but, I was victorious in the end...

... the weapon of choice?... a 4 cycle gasoline strimmer... the venue?... the 1/2 acre of back lawn which borders the hardwood forest behind the Straight White House... it was quite a fight... from 0930 to 1345... the battle raged... a few times, I thought the Enemy almost had me... while blazing a trail with the weed-eater, an errant piece of freshly eviscerated plant would hit my cheek... I'd rush to the spigot, and furiously wash away the offending goo... fearful that I had been wounded by the Ivy... then, grit my teeth, quote some Henry V, and head back into the fray....... but, as I sit here nursing my first Scotch of the evening... I am relishing in my triumph... so far, no effects of the Poison Ivy have been noted... which means that my armor was effective.... what armor, you ask?....

... first of all, let me set the scene... my front lawn is pleasantly manicured... my back lawn is all trees, shrubs, flowers... and, generally wild-looking... we have deer, fox, and all other manner of wildlife wandering through... hell, it is nice to sit on the deck, and feel like you are in the woods... so, we leave it alone.... this, however, has a drawback... once... or, maybe twice a year, it has to be dealt with... and, today was that day....

... Summer is upon us here... today, it was in the 90s... Redheads and 90 degree weather do not mix well... at all... so, my "armor" consisted of a set of OD Green BDUs... combat boots... bloused, of course... just to keep all the critters from climbing up my leg... a Boonie Hat... leather gloves... and, safety glasses..... in other words, friends, I was covered from head to toe... sans the safety glasses, I was dressed like a Sandinista Rebel, basically.... why?... well, for two reasons... to keep from being fried like an egg by the Sun... AND... to keep the Poison Ivy I was mutilating from claiming me as a victim.... needless to say, I lost about 5 pounds today... all of it sweat... the BDUs were soaked... but, it worked... I almost died from the heat, but at least I don't have Poison Ivy... they guys who mow my lawn are wimps... now, I'm going to go sit on my deck... drink Scotch.. and, tell my new war stories to the Wife... if she'll listen.... otherwise, I'll just sit and drink Scotch... later...

by Eric on May 23, 2004 | Bullshit (7) | SWG Stories
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Bullshit So Far

One of your best posts' ever. But, I am sure you know that.

Bullshitted by Jim Thomas on May 23, 2004 10:36 PM

In the cartoon version of the world I have running in my mind, I imagine you're out there tearing things up on the lawn, and each time you feel something hit your face, you let out a little Homer Simpson scream before you go running to the spigot.

I'm sure that's how it would go if I were out there. I helped a buddy move a couple of weekends ago, and for a week and a half, I had a nasty run of the poison oak running up my right leg. The bad part was that I would scratch it in my sleep...

Bullshitted by BSTommy on May 23, 2004 10:44 PM

Fabulous story, Eric :)

I'm glad you got it all finished.

Bullshitted by Uptown Girl on May 24, 2004 02:03 AM

MUCH better than my hedge story!! :D

(Though both had the dreaded poison ivy as a common enemy.)

Bullshitted by pam on May 24, 2004 08:03 AM

Eric I know what you mean... the back half of our lot is all trees and weeds... we have lived there for 2 years and i havent touched it... it has its life and i have mine... but someday my friend all hell will break loose!

Bullshitted by Turf on May 24, 2004 03:03 PM

Poison Ivy Pussy... I eat that shit like Popeye eats spinach!

Bullshitted by Madfish Willie on May 24, 2004 05:02 PM

Do like Cappy SQL - let the damn lawn burn itself out in June.

Bullshitted by Jim on May 24, 2004 08:29 PM